outed at work!!!!

[Melissa73]

Omg what a day! I was discussing with a fellow employee (im a manager, he's one of my employees.... But we talk), Concerning my relationship w/ my wife, and how we have a basic Open marriage... But that she my best friend. And he kept pressuring me to talk, and im like i was ok. Me and her have a better relationship now,m then we were "together" and that we talk about things we cant tell others.

Anyways, my fellow manager overheard... and apparently, had been told previously sometime, by a guest that they had lived by me in an apartment,.... and saw that i dressed like a woman! Well this manager took the opportunity to ask me.. 1st i tried not to sayy anything. But she asked, "are you gay?" i said no!. Then she asked, "Do you wear dresses?" i stalled. And finally replies "Yeah!" 1st i could see she was a bit amused, and perplexed over it. then she was reassuring me, she would treat me no differently. and that she'd respect my decision to stay private... (in that not telling everybody!)

[ReineD]

It'll be OK. Most people have no understanding of this, and if they're open-minded they'll think it is no more than a harmless kink.

But it goes to show how much gossip there is when people do discover this. People really are fascinated with anyone who engages in cross-gender expression. And it's a prime thing to gossip about for gossip-minded people, like the discovery that someone else is having *gasp* an affair!

And this is why I think that many CDers who go out should just stop worrying about their neighbors seeing them, since it is likely that if one person has seen them in the past then everyone knows. So, might as well go out and have a good time! :)

[Melissa73]

oohh im not really worried about it! actually, im a little relieved.... after all these yrs, i really dont have to hid anymore. keeping my clothes secrets is hard. NOw i can talk about my feelings w/ my wife. and i know people around me will support me. I didnt plan it this way, But it feels good!!!

[Cynthia Anne]

I can sure relate to what Reine said! Anymore I don't hide from no one!

[heatherdress]

Just a bit of caution - it is usually best to keep your private life out of your workplace. Seems like you have shared enough of your intimate home life, with both an employee and another manager. Seems OK what you have shared, even a relief for you, but no need to go further with more people or more details.

[Rogina B]

Like Heather said....TMI in the workplace will do you no good over time...Share it with us as we won't bite you in the back!

[Joanna41]

I'm sure she appreciated your honesty with her questions. I would be ready to answer more at a later time though. Your answer is brewing up more questions in her brain.

Joanna

[Jill Devine]

Just a bit of caution - it is usually best to keep your private life out of your workplace. Seems like you have shared enough of your intimate home life, with both an employee and another manager. Seems OK what you have shared, even a relief for you, but no need to go further with more people or more details.
Yes too much personal info at work is never good. Ever. If in doubt in how much to share, rather say too little than too much. It's your after hours personal life.

[Kate Simmons]

Well, it seems no harm done. Time will tell, however, as people just love to talk (especially about other people).:)

[kristinacd55]

Hopefully she'll keep it under wraps for you, I guess time will tell as far as that goes. When I was driving a school bus, another male driver with the same male name as me is a crossdresser too. And someone I know overheard someone else talking about it and she thought it was me lol. Now this friend of mine doesn't know that I dress, but if she had asked me I would have said yes too! You get to a point where....what the heck? Let em all know!

[Melissa73]

thanks everyone! thing was, i didnt even want to share any of this either. But was outed by someone else, who had apparently seem me dress.

[Stephanie47]

The best kept secrets are kept by one person. Tell one and your may assume it will become general knowledge. I'd day just prepare yourself that everyone will eventually know. I am not enrolled in any social media sites, but, from I've heard with my family/extended family, the urge to tell everyone is apparent, My wife and I are the last in the family to know anything, which is great. I am assuming if it became knowledge that I was a cross dresser everyone would know and I would not know everyone knows. As long as YOU are relieved and your wife is OK with it, then the knowledge probably will not hurt you. However, it is always good advice to keep personal life out of the work place.

[CONSUELO]

I agree with the comments about keeping private life out of the workplace as much as possible. You just never know how something will be distorted or twisted and come back to haunt you. You don't have to answer question about your private life and it was unprofessional of your fellow manager to press such questions on you. People seem so careless about using such things as Twitter and Facebook and it is amazing how much unintended trouble ensues.

[Sarah Doepner]

There is always a potential for trouble when your crossdressing becomes known in the workplace. The biggest concern are the laws relating to sex discrimination and harrassment. Since so many people have a distorted view of what crossdressing actually is, they can either say the wrong things and cause problems or a person will hear or overhear something and become offended. At that point it can become a real problem because the way the laws are written, it's the perception of the "victim" that becomes the basis of the complaint. Please be careful and make sure those you share this with are aware of the potential problems in the workplace, particularly when misinformation is rampant and the truth is not commonplace. It's yet another argument for additional education efforts that would make it easier for TG people to be a little more open at work.

[ChristineReid]

It's one of those things I think we all dread - but secretly hope for... I think generally in life every experience takes us forward as long as we have the right attitude ot it. Events like this open up a whole new range of possibilities that enable us to grow. I guess you know that we're all behind you! Cx

[Allison Chaynes]

I can't see how this would be good in most situations, I'd bet that co-worker will throw you
under the bus at some point. I'd quit on the spot if anyone found out at my current job.

[Carmen]

Sexual harrasment comes in many forms...the result will evolve into a 'hostile work environment'. There are laws that companies must adhere to to prevent a hostile workplace. You as a manager should know this.
Your 'fellow manager' brroke the law by using that opportunity to inquire as to your sexual orientation. By asking 'are you gay' and 'do you wear dresses' firmly constitutes harassment in the workplace.
You absolutely did not have to respond to those questioins!!! To me that reeked of an inapropriate inquisition. There is no such thing at your job as 'an opportunity' to out you like that. Look how that made you feel.
Although she promised to keep everything to herself, I can almost guarantee the she and they will not.

Like Heather said, keep your private life private. People will take a scrap of information about you and blow it completely out of proportion.
When someone would try to get me to talk about something in my personal life I stop them cold. On one occasion I had confided a personal issue to my supervisor, (my son was arrested and sent to youth camp). Several weeks later a coworker was casually asking me, "...so how is your son?" I responded with "which one are you asking about?"
He immediately knew that he was treading on dangerous ground with me and had crossed a line.
I ended that conversation with a warning about privacy. Then I went straight to that supervisor and asked him about our previous agreement to keeping our talk in confidence. He had no defense.
The result was that all parties were put on notice that I will not tolerate any unwelcomed talk about my personal life unless I innitiated it.

So bone up on your states workplace harrasment laws and then bring it to them!
This is not only about cross dressing, it covers any form of harassment period.

[sandra-leigh]

But it goes to show how much gossip there is when people do discover this. People really are fascinated with anyone who engages in cross-gender expression. And it's a prime thing to gossip about for gossip-minded people, like the discovery that someone else is having *gasp* an affair!

At work, I was a friend of the chief gossiper, but I never heard anything about me being circulated. I dressed borderline for over 4 years, earrings for several, had a visible bust for over a year -- but people I talked to still pretty much only knew what they had directly observed themselves. I know for sure that some people at work saw me dressed (I worked that way sometimes when I was in during our official holidays, or sometimes I changed before I left the building), but not much seemed to have gotten around.

I would not at all doubt that it happens a lot in some places, but where I was, the story about the squirrel hamming it up for the camera got more "air time" than talk about me.

[scarlett]

Sexual harrasment comes in many forms...the result will evolve into a 'hostile work environment'. There are laws that companies must adhere to to prevent a hostile workplace. You as a manager should know this.
Your 'fellow manager' brroke the law by using that opportunity to inquire as to your sexual orientation. By asking 'are you gay' and 'do you wear dresses' firmly constitutes harassment in the workplace.
You absolutely did not have to respond to those questioins!!! To me that reeked of an inapropriate inquisition. There is no such thing at your job as 'an opportunity' to out you like that. Look how that made you feel.
Although she promised to keep everything to herself, I can almost guarantee the she and they will not.

Like Heather said, keep your private life private. People will take a scrap of information about you and blow it completely out of proportion.
When someone would try to get me to talk about something in my personal life I stop them cold. On one occasion I had confided a personal issue to my supervisor, (my son was arrested and sent to youth camp). Several weeks later a coworker was casually asking me, "...so how is your son?" I responded with "which one are you asking about?"
He immediately knew that he was treading on dangerous ground with me and had crossed a line.
I ended that conversation with a warning about privacy. Then I went straight to that supervisor and asked him about our previous agreement to keeping our talk in confidence. He had no defense.
The result was that all parties were put on notice that I will not tolerate any unwelcomed talk about my personal life unless I innitiated it.

So bone up on your states workplace harrasment laws and then bring it to them!
This is not only about cross dressing, it covers any form of harassment period.

Not everyone lives in Los Angeles or California. So your rant about privacy and harassment is meaningless.

[Melissa73]

i appreciate everyone's input! However its been a week now, and everything has been cool! the issue hasn't been brought up, and besides... In my restaurant, we are lss formal than most, i would even call us a close knit family! In fact, I know my fellow manager respects my wishes, as her father, who also is employed w/ the company... is gay! So, i know there is a lot of tolerance and acceptance at work. But again, thatsk all for lookin g out for me and my situation!

Plus to be honest, coming out to my wife, and at work....has been a great thing! keeping a secret was really hard .... and i feel like a weight has been lifted off of mew :)

[sandra-leigh]

Not everyone lives in Los Angeles or California. So your rant about privacy and harassment is meaningless.

Laws about "hostile workplace environments" exist in Canada (federal laws -- apply Canada wide), and are much as Linsey describes (but it is doubtful that a simple question by itself would constitute harassment, whereas the scenario about being implicitly forced to tell would almost certainly be deemed inappropriate.)

I do not have the background knowledge to speak about "hostile work environment" laws in US states, but I do know that the concept is common in workplace law and is quite unlikely to be confined to only California in the USA.

[Beverley Sims]

At least your boss showed honesty in her inquiries.
The underground gossip and curiosity have both been quenched.
That is a good start for both of you.

[Angela Campbell]

If I was asked by my manager if I crossdresed or if I was gay, I would respond with......that is kind of a personal question isn't it? or does the company have any policies on transgenderism? Is there a problem with my performance?

Of course I would never wear anything that looked even remotely feminine at work as I am always in contact with customers. I pass very well as a man.

[~Joanne~]

Not everyone lives in Los Angeles or California. So your rant about privacy and harassment is meaningless.

Not really. A lot of laws begin in California and then move across the country. Harassment laws are almost the same in all 50 states for the most part, there may be added amendments to each state that is different but they usually catch up sooner or later.

[Melissa_59]

I never discuss my private life with people at work. There's a level of trust that they haven't earned with me, and I have to trust someone very well before I open up my private life to them in any capacity at all.

I've learned this the hard way.

[Madam Rose]

That good then you don't have to worry about it. I still would think it's odd she didn't question your open marriage thing though.

[Carmen]

Not everyone lives in Los Angeles or California. So your rant about privacy and harassment is meaningless.

Scarlett, I joined this forum over a year ago. I was welcomed by many sisters here, I have made friends, my posts have always responded to in a kind and positive manner.
I came here to get away from criticism and negative thinking.
Although my reply to Michelles post was a little over the top, it was not a rant, it was something that I and others have been working to reduce, known as "Harassment in the Workplace".

I am thankful that our state has developed guidelines for managers to use as tools to maintain a safe and friendly working environment.
I have been harassed several times at work, it is no way to live. I used those laws and the system to put a stop to it, and it wasn't at all about crossdressing.

Regards,
Linsey

[Melissa73]

oh she was questioning the open marriage. basically though its on my wifes side.... as she came out to me b4 i came out to her. Since then, we talk every morning. and we live in separate rooms. But we realize that the friendship we have is still there. we just dont make it as a couple.