What would your dad think?

[Robyn2006]

Fathers... It's a hard one, I know. If any of yours were like mine, dressing up to the nines in full supermodel gala was not exactly what he had in mind when the nurse told him it was a boy way back when. Although my dad has been gone now for over 10 years, I always think of him when I finally put on my lipstick to finish my complete transformation (i.e., after the legs and chest are shaved, the breast forms attached, the nylons on, the perfect outfit slinked into place and all other makeup as perfectly placed as I am able - as I am now writing this). I think of him always at this moment and whisper a silent "sorry, dad" to myself in the mirror. I do this for two reasons. The first is to pay homage to a man that I loved and from whom I always wanted approval. The second...? To mockingly throw all his impossibly conservative and insane views of life straight into his face, hating him for always castigating me and the choices I made, for always looking at me with those eyes of disappointment. The former being the stronger intent of the two.

Now mind you, dad died never knowing his son wished nothing more than to have been born his daughter. I think it likely he died thinking I was gay, though I'm not really sure of that. All that I know for sure is that I was hardly the boy he had wanted. I was small, lousy at sports, and somewhat effeminate. As a kid I did none of the things he expected. I love music, writing, and keeping my room in complete order and spotless. None of the things I did made any sense to him or, from his perspective, were just wrong. Once he "caught" me playing with my sister and her Barbie and Ken dolls and almost had a heart attack then and there (the real one came a bit later...).

For me, my father is somehow both the first and the last person I'd ever want to know my hidden desire. I would want him to be the first, as with him knowing everything else would be a easy, and I would want him to be the last as... well, those damn eyes of disappointment would be something that would have likely crushed me into a quivering wreck. So now here I am, over ten years from his passing still somehow wanting his approval, wishing somehow we could have coffee together and just be ourselves, regardless of my lipstick marked coffee mug.

Anyway, I'm wondering how many of you have relationships with your father that border mine, or just what exactly your relationship is.

Robyn

[KittyMuffin]

I can relate to this. I think that if my dad found out I would be kicked out of the house. I talked to my mom about everything. She said that he would just be sad and that he shouldn't know. But he probably has his suspicions.

[Megan_Renee]

I can relate to this. I think that if my dad found out I would be kicked out of the house. I talked to my mom about everything. She said that he would just be sad and that he shouldn't know. But he probably has his suspicions.

My dad should never know. The main reason I'll not come out to my family is because of him and my brother. Both very conservative and against anything bizzaire.

Megan

[Kim E]

My relationship with my father was a very painful experience. Childhood memories and most thoughts of him are usually tucked away in some remote part of my brain. He was physically and emotionally abusive towards me, as far as I can remember, since about 6. When I went through puberty and with all the emotional and physical changes, he came unglued. He became less physical but more abusive emotionally.

I can remember being dragged to 4 or 5 doctors to find out what was wrong with me. He could not and would not accept the fact, that I felt I was born the wrong gender. He was ashamed of me. That abuse continued until I left home at 18.

We rarely talked after that. When we did speak he was always mean and sarcastic. Many years ago he was in the hospital after suffering some severe strokes. I went to see him and he started crying and he took my hand. He tried to speak clearly and I could understand him when he said he was sorry and asked me to forgive him. I said I did, he died 2 days later.
So, one of the many crosses I bear in life, was being such a big disappointment to my father and for not being the son he wanted.

Kim

[Billijo49504]

Fathers are tough. Mine even went so far as cancel HBO, because of all the bad things they show. Imagine what he would think, or do, if he found out about Billijo. Ooooops! So yes, I know of what you speak.

[Sarah Smile]

My father and I are really close. He is my best friend. On the other hand, there are many things I feel I can't share with him for what he might think. I have this mental image of him as being narrow-minded and conservative in many ways, based on what he was like when I was a child. This may be unfair because he has become much more open-minded and liberal over the years, but I am still afraid to tell him of my TG-ness. When he found out my mother was transitioning (long after they were divorced) he had a very hard time accepting it, which he did in the end, mostly, I think, by trying to put it out of his mind. :(

[Sarahgurl371]

Me and my Dad are best friends too. He knows about my Cding but looks at it as more a fetish type thing. He and my mom are pretty open minded people. They both said they are OK with it, and seem Ok talking about it sometimes. I still don't know if he would freak if he saw me all dressed up or not. My wife seems to think he would. It would be really great to be able to let him know about it all though. Just one more person to confide in and talk to about life. But like most Dads, he is the strongest person i heve ever known, and i ain't sure he could deal with it other than as a fetish.

When he found out, i was scared to death. But he came over to my house and talked to me. He said that he is proud of me as a son and a man, and that what I do in my home is my business. And that nothing could ever change the respect he has for me. It sure meant alot to me to now this, and now I don't have to hide it. He said he found some of my Mom's clothes in my bedroom when I was young, and he and her discussed it. I guess she was more upset than he was. But he told her, he is just experimenting. Leave it alone.

[Kimberly]

Well I came out to my parents two weeks ago: that's both of them! So my Dad knows, and he's having a very hard time coming to terms with it.

When talking to my mum about it, (I'm scared of approaching him directly,) she said that he is a "very conventional man," and his aspirations for me were to settle down, have a family, and live a conventional western life. Well, unfortunatly, I don't think that will happen - and not because of my CDing, per ce. I think he's finding it difficult mainly, because he grew up in a family where no one talked about anything in-depth, his father kept very much to himself and lived as the "man of the house," like we have as the image of 50 years previous.

One of the main blockers between me and my parents, also, is that there is a two-generation age gap between us... My mother fell pregnant very late, (she was 40 when I was born,) and so they have somewhat old values, even though I still consider them to be open minded people.

Whenever my mum starts talking about my CDing to me, and specifically about my dad I always get this stomach turning urge... a wish, if you like, for him to accept it. I don't think he ever will, and my mum backed me up on this point. It's horrible when I know that he knows, and he just wants to deny it to some extent. We still exchange the pleasantries and every day conversations - but he hasn't yet talked to me about my crossdressing; an example of, perhaps, his conventional upbringing and his father. Though it is healthy that he wants to talk to someone about it, like a councillor or a gender specialist. (They want to send me to one too... :()

So, I'm having a hard time, and my dad's having an even worse one. He's got tearful over what I am, so says my mother, (who is now my portal into his reaction, I'm thinking.) So, bless him, and I hope we can resolve this in a year or so. This is just my experience of my father's reaction. Right now I want him to understand, I want to show him that this is not a fearful thing to do, or an unconventional thing... But the reality is, that he will probably go to the grave not understanding or accepting.

xx

[Amelie]

My relationship with my father was a very painful experience. Childhood memories and most thoughts of him are usually tucked away in some remote part of my brain. He was physically and emotionally abusive towards me, as far as I can remember, since about 6. When I went through puberty and with all the emotional and physical changes, he came unglued. He became less physical but more abusive emotionally.

I can remember being dragged to 4 or 5 doctors to find out what was wrong with me. He could not and would not accept the fact, that I felt I was born the wrong gender. He was ashamed of me. That abuse continued until I left home at 18.

We rarely talked after that. When we did speak he was always mean and sarcastic. Many years ago he was in the hospital after suffering some severe strokes. I went to see him and he started crying and he took my hand. He tried to speak clearly and I could understand him when he said he was sorry and asked me to forgive him. I said I did, he died 2 days later.
So, one of the many crosses I bear in life, was being such a big disappointment to my father and for not being the son he wanted.

Kim

I am sorry that you had a tough life with your dad. But from what I read in your post, I do believe that your dad wasn't dissappointed in you. He did ask you for his forgiveness, this tells me that he was sorry, that he was wrong for what he did, and that you weren't the bad person that he made you out to be.

My dad knows about me and how I dress. But I don't usually dress when I go see him. This halloween, I went home to pick up some of my stuff. I went in full dress, I even had my breasts sort of showing, sticking out. Even though he saw me dressed before, he never saw me like this and he got upset with me. I thought it being halloween and all, that he would take it as a laugh.
He has this thing, do what you want, but just keep it away from him, which is basiclly what I try to do.

[Tiffy]

If my dad found out, I would be a spike and my dad would be a three ton hammer on my head.

April

[Wendy me]

well my dad was to say the lest a tough guy to deal with growing up . now he is in failing health heart troubles and parkersons with a intresting touch of dementure throughen in the mix ... i could never tell him abought this side of me but he dose point out to doctors and outher people my hair and nails ... saying my son that wants to be a girl but thats dads way of telling me to get a hair cut... still telling him out right i just could not do even if he understood it or not just something i am not ready to do ... mom knows and is ok with it....

[uknowhoo]

I'm rather close to my parents, my dad a bit more so, but I haven't come out to them. I'm not sure I ever will. If I were to do so, I expect it would be to my mom first. While they are both very devout Catholics ( I survived 12 yrs of Catholic school), they are quite open-minded in many respects, and both share my strong disdain for the "religious right" mindset here in the U.S. As I write this, I am becoming quite curious as to what their reactions might be. Not sufficiently curious to bring it up any time soon tho. :o

Btw, Kim E, I got the same impression as Amelie about the exchange you had with your father prior to his passing. It sounded to me like a beautiful and cathartic moment.

Hugs to all.

Tammi

[Lisa Marie]

I wonder that at times also. My dad passed away when i was 9 that was then i started discovering womens clothes were so pretty. I think up there in heaven that they love you no matter what and are very understanding. I will never tell my mom about it cause I know she wouldnt except it. When you been raised by women just about all your life you dream of being one also. Angie

[Shannon]

My parents are very traditional and conservative. I discussed with my therapist a couple years ago the pros and cons of telling them. We agreed that it would not accomplish any of my goals in therapy, nor would it be helpful to them. Of course, back when I was in therapy, my CrossDressing was a behavior that supposedly was going to be "extinguished". I still feel that I would be placing a burden on my parents, because they would see CrossDressing in all its stereotypical terms and wrestle with it as a moral dilemma and wonder what they could have "done differently" in raising me.

[crossing_over]

no way.... me and my dad do not have a good relationship whatsoever.... i refuse to tell him any of this....... my dad is a caring person that works hard and pays the bills yes...... but my dad also is an @sshole..... just the other night he got my mom so upset that she said if she could work she would get a divorce (said it to me) and started crying...... and that just made me mad so i confronted him (not the first time) and we exchanged a few words.... then he pushed me and i punched him and we fought and fought and fought.... mom had to call the police etc.... neither of us were taken but the cop split us up and gave us a citation for disturbing the piece..... i guess for when we fell on the floor something got knocked over and broke the window....

[Robyn2006]

Kinda thought this topic might bring up some latent issues, really hope I didn't cause anyone to drag-up too many painful memories! Funny that so many of us have such similar, somewhat distant family relationships, while others are quite close to their folks... and yet we all have somehow been wired to express our feminine side, albeit to varying degrees (fyi, I'm about a 8 on the desiring to be female scale). So much for the nature or nurture debate! Nature always wins, hands down!

Kim, your experience was the hardest to read for me. Although my father was a hard man to deal with, he never once hit me and was always there whenever I needed him. And although I always knew he loved me, I also knew that he really didn't like me all that much. I'm so glad that you were able to have those last few days with him and were able to forgive him, although I doubt he deserved it. That you did forgive him brought tears to my eyes, both for your ability to rise to such a level of compassion and in the knowledge that I will never be afforded the same opportunity.

Angie, your thought that "when you have been raised by women just about all your life you dream of being one also," rang so true for me. Although my dad was there throughout my childhood, he was both an alcoholic and a workaholic - an absentee father if ever there was one. I pretty much was raised in a household of women, with mom and two older sisters. My oldest sister was and is supermodel beautiful and I really can't remember a time that I didn't dream of being just like her. And within such a home of femaleness, dressing up in like mode seemed as natural as the kid next door swinging his bat.

And Kimberly, I have been reading your "I just came out" thread" and want you to know how much I respect you and the decisions you've made. I so wish I had had the strength to begin to accept myself when I was your age. You are being so true to yourself... may we all find courage in that path you are walking.

Robyn

[JennyCD]

My dad died when I was 10, but being as he was a very conservative career military man, I'm sure disappointed wouldn't even come close to describing his reaction.

[MandyTS]

My parents had the not so typical reaction to all of this. Let me first say that I have had a very painful growing up, unlike many TS individuals I had more than gender concerns to deal with. Imagine being in middle school and being ridiculed from the kids for either (1) Being to slow and emotional and (2) having a very very small and misformed male part. The teachers were of no help, I failed P.E. twice because I could not run the mile fast enough for state standards. Also not having libido really did a number for me socially and many recognized feminine traits in me at an early age.

I came out to my parents about 4 months ago after 3 months of personal torment. I came to a realization that I could not live this way any longer. Due to the fact that I am part boy and part girl the decision was very different... I had to make a choice and after experiencing gender dysphoria on testosterone I decided now is the time and that life is too valuable to wait.

When I came out to my parents they were both very quiet for a few days. The quietness lead to lots of questions and hurt feelings. My father actually tried to kill himself, he thought I was a transvestite (bad conotations) and a pedifiliac. Over the months I worked on them both, slowly becoming a therapist and working on their inner thoughts. The information slowly came out and the pieces became clear. I finally started to understand my life and that just prompted more questions.

My parents, expecially my father always knew something was wrong. They had a great history of me hidden and as it came out they started understanding the emotional toll of it. My dad took it much harder than my mom and today we are at a standstill. They knew I am transistioning, soon to be on full estrogen suplimintation (not replacement because there is nothing there in the first place) and I will start physical transformation. We have grown closer as a family.

No one truly understands their parents until they come out with the truth. Only when you come out to them will you understand it fully.

BTW no dilusions here... everyones result may vary. I still can not come out and wear feminine things around the house.

Good Luck to all, Love

Mandy

[Jodi Lynn]

My Dad and I are very close, but I don't think I could ever tell him. We have been best freinds for so many years, and I am afread it would totally break his heart if I did tell him. He is 78 and I am 52, and I just told him that I smoked pot way back when. I was suprised that he said that if it would of been around when he was young he most likely would of tried it too.

[Rachel Morley]

Hi Robyn, Great thread.

I'm not out to my parents, mostly because of my Dad. I haven't exactly had a "bad" relationship with my Dad throughout my life, just more of a "strained" one. He is a "man's man" he doesn't like it when I display any non-manly traits. Most of my life he's made me feel like I should be "more of a man". Let me tell you, when someone makes you feel this way, it messes you up in your head. It makes you feel so guilty about doing stuff that makes you happy.

My wife Marla once asked me what would happen if I told my parents everything. I said my Mum would probably be ok, but my Dad would shoot me dead! No doubt about it!

Ok maybe an exaggeration, and now that he's 67 years old he's somewhat calmed down and chilled out about life, but I'm still not going to come out to him. I can't see any benefit to him or me, especially as I live 5,500 miles away in the US and he's in the UK.

I know that if I did tell him, I would be a huge disapointment to him. I know that that he was so happy when I finally got married. I'm sure he thought I was gay because I didn't have a relationship of any kind for 12 years before I met Marla.

Anyway, I share your pain. If it wasn't for our Dads we wouldn't be here, but now we are here and we just have to be who we are.

What's that phase?..."thank God you can choose your friends, because unfortunately you can't choose your family".

[BrendaChristine]

When I was a kid i was kida caught by my mom figuring out her stuff was being used by somebody else. my dad was not happy about it, they thought a particular friend was responsible for it, although he wasn't. (I kinda threw him under the bus). so they forbid me to hang out with him for a while, and my dad made noise about seeing a professional, but it kinda diffused. I was a bit more cautious, and once I started dating girls they pretty much forgot about. Once I became an adult, if they were to know, they wouldn't get too bent out of shape. They were. pretty liberal minded people

[TGMarla]

I know what my dad thought. He caught me a few times. Very uncharacteristically, he was calm, and understanding with me. He thought it was just a phase. Hmmmm....maybe he's right. Do phases last 33+ years (with many more likely to come)? He told me that when he was young, he used to go into his mother's jewelry case and try on her jewelry. But, he said, he outgrew it. He figured this was just the same kind of thing. I would outgrow it. I was rather moved by this, but it didn't stop me one bit. He never caught me again, and the situation blew over. He's now passed away some 4 years ago, without discovering that his #2 son just loves to wear dresses. (He missed 9/11 by some 5 1/2 months.) I'm glad I kept it that way. I gave him enough trouble without piling all that on top.

Rest in peace, Dad. Your daughter..err....son loves you.

[JennyCD]

He is a "man's man"

That's an interesting statement to me because in my natural born male form those words have been used with regard to me. I am a muscularly built guy with a deep voice and "rugged" (read ugly) features. I've always been very active and in to hiking, camping, and all sorts of physical activities. I was also very good at the less than savory activities such as fighting.

To be honest, my physical prowess was all a cover for my real self, which was softer and more concerned with the more feminine side of life.

Off topic, I know, but just an observation regarding a "man's man". Just struck me when I read it.

[Stephenie]

My father and I never got along well. I felt that i never measured up to what he wanted. As for being a man's man he was a marine in WWII and saw all the nice places in the Pacific, then went to Alaska and was a Brush pilot. I did try to be what I thought he wanted. But never quite seemed to make the grade. We now rarely see one another. He lives in the SW and I in the NW. When he does come up this way he and my Mom spend about 4 hrs with my family and me and then a few days with my brother in Seattle. (Maybe they can't take the kids. I'm not as strict with thier behavour as he would like) I don't know but it really doesn't make much differents, we run out of things to say in about 30 minutes.
A couple of different therapist said that I should talk to him about how things were growing up. I just don't see what good it would do. Either he won't see it the way I did or it will make his last days worse than they need to be. It's not like anything can be changed and we're not likely to have a close relationship now expecailly if I tell him that I think he is an a**hole.
And for telling him about my Cding, well that would serve no propose for anyone.

[Petra1]

I don't know about fathers 1 & 3, but #2 would have probably gotten off on it. He was around while I was still a minor. Not that I don't like crossdressing (though I do it mainly because I have breast envy), but let's just say I think he's part of the reason why I crossdress, and I'm glad he's not on this Earth anymore.

Robyn, if that's your picture on your avatar, I wish I could pass like that.

[Bonnie D]

My parents were complete opposites and that's why they divorced when I was around 18. My father was from a small town, British, conservative and military but free spirited. My mother was from a farm, French Canadian, liberal, teacher and also free spirited. I'm the eldest of four boys.

My father and mother both liked how good I was at sports, especially hockey, but my father didn't like how wild I was becoming when I was in mid-teens. It only got worse as I was growing up in the turbulant years, late 60s and all through the 70s. My parents had divorced by the time I moved out and my hair went half way down my back. I was open to them about my smoking hash and pot but didn't tell them about any of the drugs I was experimenting with. My father was quite upset about it but my mother was understanding and asked a lot of questions. My father asked me if because of my appearance could I wander around in the "underworld" freely? I understood what he meant and said that I could.

My father would never be able to understand my crossdressing, it was hard enough for him to remain calm about the drugs, I'm supposed to be a role model for my younger brothers. My mother would have been able to deal with it but I'm not sure to what extent. She may have noticed at some point in my early years that some of her clothes were being moved, but then it could have been one of my brothers too. If she had suspected me then she would have thought that I grew out of it because I had such a strong male image.

It's too late to tell them now and it wouldn't serve any purpose. The only reason I would tell them might be if I told my wife and we split up as a result. My parents would want to know why. Then I might tell them. Bridges to cross when and if I get to them.

Bonnie

PS I stopped the drugs completed when I got married. I couldn't stop the crossdressing and didn't even bother trying.

[Tracy Lynn]

I have always and still do have a very close and loving relationship with my parents. There are times when I would like to tell them because we really don't keep any secrets but I fear it would put an unneccesary strain on them.

Maybe someday but not now.