The Elephant in the Room

[joanna marie]

Since my wife of 40 years found out about my Crossdressing things have not been going well at home.The only time it comes up is when she uses it against me in an argument. She always refers to it as being "The Elephant in the Room" when talking about problems in our relationship.

I've finally realized that it is only "The Elephant "because of her attitude towards me being a crossdresser. I am the same person now as I was before she found out.
The only difference is in her perception of me. This explanation didn't help the situation any , but does help me realize that I'm not the one with the problem.

thats my 2 cents worth

[Roberta Young]

Joanna, there is no magic pill of acceptance. Please understand Im on your side, But Your Wife has certain Rights in a marriage. If You just came out to Her , It was not a Minor issue, it was MAJOR. Sure You are the same person dressed or drab, but Very different to Her. You have introduced Her to Your closet, thoughts and ideas and want Her to think Your way. If we refere to it as a Problem then it has to be rectified, if we refere to it as a difference it may be better discused. Time repairs all problems. Take it slow and listen to each other. Hugs Roberta

[ReineD]

Would your wife consider joining this forum? She can learn a lot. She can also meet some very nice people who also crossdress, and it might give her a better sense of "normal", plus she can talk to other wives.

[Marissa V]

First of all, you are not the one with the 'problem' as you call it. Dont ever think that. And now i can say this in all confidence, but its the truth, you are not the one with the problem, your wife is. You are as normal as anyone on this planet. Dont ever forget that. The entire issue is acceptance. Thats the problem, and you can not force her to accept it. Often acceptance is held back by the fact you didnt 'trust' her enough to tell her sooner. The fact you say 'she found out' implies you never ever told her about that part of yourself. Trust is a big part of acceptance. I found that out the hard way.

[Cynthia Anne]

First; I commend you on the fourty years of marrige! Before you put all the blame on your wife remember you held a secret from her for a very long time!

[linda allen]

........ I am the same person now as I was before she found out.The only difference is in her perception of me. This explanation didn't help the situation any , but does help me realize that I'm not the one with the problem.
Not to her you're not. For 40 years you were a "man" in her eyes, now she's not sure what you are. "Gay" is probably what she's thinking.

In a marriage, one person doesn't have a problem, both partners have a problem. She has a problem accepting the fact that you are a crossdresser but you have a problem of trying to convince her to accept and continue to love you.

I think you will continue to have marriage problems as long as you feel that it's her problem, not a mutual problem.

You need to tell and show her that you still love and worship her and that you're still the same person that she loved and married.

[Allsteamedup]

At least if she refers to it as 'the elephant' she is still talking! So take the opportunity to explain where it fits in your life.
Be careful as to how much she can take at one go. eg if you are into regularly can-canning in a nearby town is different from dressing when she is out.

After such a long marriage, this is a major readjustment you are asking her to make. Saying it is her problem is dishonest and does rather show what kind of dismissive style of relationship you have.

You do not say how she found out. The circumstances may have some bearing on your outcome.

When a wife describes something as the elephant in the room, she is trying to tell you that this is a big problem you won't talk about. Yes, YOU. So read the sticky about coming out to a partner and at least show her the courtesy and dignity of a discussion. After 40 years she is owed that much at least.

[Jenniferathome]

While the crossdressing is not something that any woman should just "get" I'd bet it is the deceit that bothers her more. You lied to her for how many years? About 40? She can logically be thinking, what else has he lied about..... I will be a bit sexist here and state that my experience is that women can spin scenarios like mad. Talk about the lie first. Crossdressing is just a thing and get boundaries set with her (which may be her zero involvement).

Also, getting her here to talk to other wives will help as many can attest

[AllieSF]

I like your attitude Joanna. It is her problem. Now, both of you need to work on it. She needs to learn to deal with it and you need to be patient and help her learn and deal. Good luck, both of you.

[Kathi Lake]

I am the same person now as I was before she found out. The only difference is in her perception of me.

. . . I'm not the one with the problem.The same person? Not to her. You are now a man that likes to wear a dress and who knows what else? As for perception? Exactly! It is a problem of perception. Unfortunately, to many people, perception is reality. To many women, who grew up knowing exactly the sort of man they wanted to marry, one who enjoys feminine dress, mannerisms, and attitudes was not exactly at the top of many of their lists. :)

As for you not being the one with the problem? If it were only you in the relationship, you would be correct. If this attitude keeps up, however, that may become a self-fulfilling prophesy. :)


The entire issue is acceptance.The entire issue? Not exactly. Acceptance, perception, societal expectations, fear, doubt, confusion, wondering what else you're not telling her, mistrust, etc. Never belittle what they're feeling. They are their feelings, preferences, and choices - and they have a right to have them as much as you do. As far as us being 'normal' men? Heh. Not exactly. Not by society's definition of normal, and as any first-year psychology or sociology student will tell you, society is the arbiter of what is and is not normal. We're . . . not there yet. As long as society keeps lumping us in with drag queens, perverts, and other less savory folks, we're kinda stuck with the label. Guilt by association, anyone?


She needs to learn to deal with it and you need to be patient and help her learn and deal.Slight cringe on the first part, Allie. What if she just can't get her head around it? What then? As for helping her 'learn to deal' with it? Truthfully, there's not much you can do to help her. This is something that she either will or will not get past. Much of it depends on her upbringing, religious tendencies, flexibility, and other internal processes that you cannot greatly influence. Patience? Definitely! Love? Please! Compromise? Absolutely! An attitude of "You're the one with the problem?" Well, an attitude like that can certainly solve your acceptance problem, as most women will be long gone if that keeps up.

Kathi

[Lorileah]

I am not sure your cross dressing is the elephant in the room. You allude to "problems in our relationship" and that is when she uses it. I think it is the Ox-pecker on the back of the elephant. It is the quickest and easiest weapon she has to use against you when you argue. If it was the issue, then it would come up in other conversations.

The reason she uses it, you will have to determine. As noted her now not having as much trust in you may be an point. But what other problems are in your relationship? (money, attention, sex?....don't answer that here but think about it).

Best way to get rid of the elephant? (no not a giant elephant trap baited with bananas). Address the issue. Why is it a problem with her? How can you make it less a problem to her? What are her concerns about it? Make it a mouse instead (she may still be scared but mice rarely trample people).

[Lynn Marie]

I hid my CDing from my last lady friend for 4 years. We were very close. After I told her, she referred to my CDing as "the other woman". That's still the way she sees it and it's quite valid. I have no excuse for my not telling her sooner. I have reasons, but no valid excuse(something to be excused). In her mind I was cheating on her the entire time. Guilty.

[AllieSF]

Kathi, thanks for calling that out. I left out my usual second part to the comment on "she needs to learn to deal with it", and that is if counseling and working together with her SO to find compromises or whatever fails, i.e. she she can't abide by it, then either her CDing SO gives it up, which most here accept as impossible, or they eventually separate. I despise ultimatums from anyone and would never accept a one sided (her side) punitive and punishing ultimatum for my crossdressing. Staying together for the sake of the kids or some other weak excuse just doesn't make it for me, because the resulting friction and frustrations, probably on both parts will do the children no good at all. Kids are not blind nor so innocent.

I also believe there is a lot the CDing partner can do to help. Being patient, open and honest, improving communications, going to joint counseling, providing learning materials and then help her try to understand it. If it still doesn't work, I would blame no one if both sides worked as best they could to save the relationship. However, to try to bury the truth in a DADT situation where there is no leeway for the CDing partner is a recipe for disaster with both parties losing. I think better that once an unacceptable stalemate is reached, then parting ways is best for both parties and the children too.

[Kathi Lake]

Agreed. 100%.

:)

Kathi