You know what I hate?

[Amy]

I hate being in the wierd middle ground were I'm just kind of in, but not really. I think about how fun it would be to dress but don't do anything about it because I know I'll feel all wierd about it and be all "why am I doing this,this it is crazy" I wish I could be just 100% or nothing. It kind of sucks. I don't know if any of you know what I mean. I just wish I could ether forget about it or just be at eaze with it.
And an other thing, is if this is for real why couldn't I have realized I like wearing girl close back when I was a skinny toothpick in junor high, high school when I could have actually pasted for a girl. Anyways I just felt like griping.
Amy

[Billijo49504]

Remember, practice makes perfect. I've been doing this thing for a few years, and I have a wife to help me, and I'm still learning new things. The GG's have been practicing their thing since they were little girls. We didn't have that head start. So just keep working on your look. Good luck...BJ

[Sarahgurl371]

I know exactly what you mean Amy. Its just that you are not sure of yourself and what it all means yet. Could be a million different variations on a theme. Just be true to yourself, and your SO if you have one. In the end, you cannot lie to or from yourself.

As for looking good, like Billijo said, Ggs have been practicing thier look all thier life. You will get better in time. I know I have. Good luck to you/

[JennyCD]

I know how you feel, Amy. It can be hard for us to accept ourselves for who we are, and even harder when society at large doesn't understand or even hates us.

I've been in a purge for nearly a year now, so maybe I'm not the best person to say this, but it can be far harder to not be who you are. I've tried very hard to be what society calls "normal". It just doesn't feel right. We are who we are, and while we may not understand it, it's what's normal for us.

It's also normal to agonize over these issues. Lord knows I have. We have been trained from childhood to believe people like ourselves aren't normal, are perverts, etc... It takes a long time and a lot of soul searching to come to grips with all of this. I'm still working through it all myself, but understand that much at least.

Take your time, Amy. Be faithful to yourself and don't push yourself into anything you don't feel ready for.

[Sindy]

Amy, I have those same exact feelings. I have had them for years. The feeling comes and goes. There are days that I absolutly hate the fact that I crossdress, but then there are days that I love it. What I'm trying to get at here is that you are not alone. As far as the skinny thing goes, I'm with ya there, I wish I could pull of some of the belly shirt looks that I enjoy so much, unfortunatly, the years have not been so kind to my gut. I shall continue to do my sit-ups and maybe someday before I become an old hag, I can enjoy the flat stomach look again.

[Amy]

Thanks for the understanding. You all bring up an other thing, how am I supposted to get good at something I'm not even sure I want to do? I mean I bought a a skirt about a year ago and I think I wore it twice before I got rid of it. Thinking to myself well that didn't do much for me glad that's over with but yet here I am still thinking about it. Everyone else here seems to be able to just have fun with it and I feel like I just have all the anxiaty with none of the enjoyment.

[Sarahgurl371]

Amy, relax, I know that is easier said than done. I haven't purged in a very long time now. I hang my clothes in my closet right next to my drab stuff. I do not know why you purged, for me it was fear, shame and guilt.

FEAR...someone may find my stuff. Well I told my wife, so I don't have to worry about that one anymore. Who else could possibly find it. Someone breaking in? Goinf thru my stuff behind my back? A non trust worthy partygoer in my home? Sounds like people I don't want to know anyway. If someone wants to take thier word for it, that I have 8 pairs of size 11 womens shoes in my closet, Oh well. I would hope that they can see the moral shortcommings of the person spilling the beans.

SHAME.... Yes for a long time I was ashamed of myself. Getting a whole lot better with that now though. Ashamed that I coudn't control this thing. Ashamed at my "abnormal" gender and sexuality. Ashamed of the fact I had to hide. I can control the act of dressing, I am miserable, but I can do it. My gender and sexuality our mine. They are different by design. They belong to me and know one else. I am not hurting anyone. I choose to Hide. It fits my life a little better right now. The people who need to know, know.

Guilt..... Guilt in this aspect is self imposed. I did it to myself. No one else judged me guilty. I did. Guilt is a big waste of time. Something I hope to totally eliminate from my vocabulary someday. I am not guilty! I am innocent.

Hope something here helped. Helped me just to write it.

[HaleyPink2000]

Amy:

You go ahead and gripe Hun! It's allowed here. LOL!

I to wish I'd a understood many things better when I was young.
Know what? My Parents would not have talked over the T subject with me when I was young. Their take was, the bad word " FAG ". Everyone that was Trans gendered was a Fag. Even if you had an ear ring. It was like " Hey look over there, it's a FAG". Gawd, what hypocrites.

I can like tell you hundreds of thousands of things my Parents did. Things not quite correct to do. But yet, everyone that was a little different was a FAG! My Father, he did change over the years. Became a Christian, and a Decon of His church. His attitude towards people changed over the years. Lets say He did mellow also. Well, my Father died this last September during a supposed routine heart valve replacement. All I have now is my Mom. I would not want her to know. But maybe She's changed. Myself, I'm not wanting to find out, Ahhh, I won't be talking to Her on this issue "CDing".

The rest of my Family, I could care less what they think. Except my Daughter. She knows I’m a CD. Told Her this past Summer. She did run an HR department. She’s cool, also loads better off than most people. She has no diversity problems about me.

Oh, yeah, the 100% thingy. " 100% full time CD" You can be, if you don't give a darn what people say or do. I'm getting real close to that. LOL!

Right now, I don't really care what My wife thinks of my dressing, to some degree. She's stated: " Your Sick"! Well about then is when She did say " Why don't you go see a Doctor or find a group". Ok I did that. ***As maybe you should also, like a TriEss group..***

Going to the TriEss meetings was my Wifes best Idea ever. LOL
Know what? She hates that I go to them to. Oh well, Her idea.

Haley:)