Me thinketh that you protesteth to much!

[Gillian Gigs]

I have often thought that when individuals are presented with some information, behavior, or action, and they go into extreme protesting, I wonder what is really behind this action. By example, we have seen several people in the last couple of years express extreme comments and thoughts against the gay lifestyle, and then later we hear that they have been participating in the very thing that they spoke against with a vengence. I can think of many prominent members of government and the clergy that have done this. So, is this some latent behavior waiting to come to the surface, and they are denying it through their words? Or as I have often said to others, "the thing that you dislike most about others, is the same thing that you dislike most about yourself".

Having said all of this, my question is, why do some wives go to the extreme when they find out about their husbands dressing habits? Are they afraid to come out in the open with their own little secrets? Is there some latent behavior that they fear would open up "a can of worms" that they would rather it stay closed? Is it wounding, that comes on top of other wounds? Or is it just the cultural lean of how they were taught of what sex and sexual behaviors should be? I just find it so hard to think that someone would throw away, or threaten to throw away a marriage investment with someone they loved.

When presented with situations in life, I find that there are generally four responces to the situation. One, to fight it, whether by word or deeds. Two, run away from the situation (divorce?). Three, Ignore the situation, as in DADT, and hope it goes away. Four, submit and accept to the situation, and make the best of it. Now some may go through many of the responces but the end out come is what is important. So how can the communication go to bring about the best possible end for both parties? I believe that open communication is the best start, so how can we get to the true bottom of the issue? Is your spouse really openly communicating with you, or is she holding back in some area? I say this believing that, "love conquers all", and compromise is a corner stone in a good marriage. So, is there to much protesting?

[Lorileah]

Read your headline. You are over thinking this way too much. Most women are against it because it is what hey were taught. Unlearning is hard.

[Wildaboutheels]

Love Conquers All?

TRUE. But ONLY in situations where BOTH parties are able to sit and discuss both FACTS and ACTIONS, without allowing their emotions to cloud their judgement or reasoning. Some women, [probably less than 25% from my own experience] are able to do this from the outset when a "sticky subject" comes up. Others, perhaps another 25%, are able to discuss things in a logical and civilized manner once their emotions have cooled. Could take minutes, hours, days, months or years. The other 50%? [from my own experience] Their EMOTIONS rule them and all logic and reason will be forever blocked. Ten, fifteen or 20 or more Y E A R S of a productive/happy/great marriage might be tossed in an instant...The expression "you can beat a dead horse allyou want, but it still ain't gonna get up" comes to mind.

The Mars/Venus book points out how women AND men [in general] think quite clearly.

I think "Love Conquers All" is a very noble concept but for most couples simply won't apply to EVERYthing.

[Jenniferathome]

I think you are comparing apples and oranges here or maybe apples and pine trees. The wives are not crossdressing in the closet! Why should any woman, even today, be expected to understand anything about cross dressing? It is not in the main. It is not a topic known to be taboo, hated or discussed. It is so rare and so undiscussed, that shock and awe is the only possible response I can imagine for a woman.

[Jamie Ann]

I have often thought that when individuals are presented with some information, behavior, or action, and they go into extreme protesting, I wonder what is really behind this action. By example, we have seen several people in the last couple of years express extreme comments and thoughts against the gay lifestyle, and then later we hear that they have been participating in the very thing that they spoke against with a vengence. I can think of many prominent members of government and the clergy that have done this. So, is this some latent behavior waiting to come to the surface, and they are denying it through their words? Or as I have often said to others, "the thing that you dislike most about others, is the same thing that you dislike most about yourself".

Having said all of this, my question is, why do some wives go to the extreme when they find out about their husbands dressing habits? Are they afraid to come out in the open with their own little secrets? Is there some latent behavior that they fear would open up "a can of worms" that they would rather it stay closed? Is it wounding, that comes on top of other wounds? Or is it just the cultural lean of how they were taught of what sex and sexual behaviors should be? I just find it so hard to think that someone would throw away, or threaten to throw away a marriage investment with someone they loved.

When presented with situations in life, I find that there are generally four responces to the situation. One, to fight it, whether by word or deeds. Two, run away from the situation (divorce?). Three, Ignore the situation, as in DADT, and hope it goes away. Four, submit and accept to the situation, and make the best of it. Now some may go through many of the responces but the end out come is what is important. So how can the communication go to bring about the best possible end for both parties? I believe that open communication is the best start, so how can we get to the true bottom of the issue? Is your spouse really openly communicating with you, or is she holding back in some area? I say this believing that, "love conquers all", and compromise is a corner stone in a good marriage. So, is there to much protesting?

“The lady doth protest too much, methinks,” said Queen Gertrude, Hamlet's mother's in Shakespeare’s Hamlet. The idea is that people who persistently experience socially or personally unacceptable impulses may adopt an exaggerated version on the diametrically opposite impulse. They deal with their guilt by loudly claiming the opposite of what they feel guilty about. “I have no interest whatsoever in crossdressing — I’m as masculine as a lumberjack! I don’t have a frickin’ feminine bone in my whole manly body!!!” said Jamie Ann. :eek:

I agree with you that compromise is essential in any relationship. We try to get some of what we want, but we try to give a little, too, so as not to humiliate the other person by declaring ourselves 100% right and the other 0% right (completely wrong).

In spite of the title of your post, I am not sure that the concept of my paragraph one applies to a wife who objects to her husband’s crossdressing and wants a divorce unless he is willing to stop it. She is NOT acting hostile to crossdressing in order to conceal the fact that she LOVES it so much and feels guilty about that … is she?

The matter of compromise, however, is the important one. Married crossdressers can seek to give a little and get a little. Maybe they will have to dress only a couple of days per month, out of town, and not tell their children or let their crossdressing become public knowledge in their community. In return, the CD can dress fully, attend Tri-Ess meetings (or whatever), and enjoy the pleasures of crossdressing on a limited basis. That sort of compromise is pretty common. The couple negotiates some ground rules; but they don’t insist the one person is 100% justified and the other has no case at all.

I agree with Lorileah that many women dislike crossdressing because they were taught to dislike it; but everyone, female or male, dislikes feeling powerless. Your wife wants to feel that she has had some say in the decision. That gets us back to the need to compromise.

[GeminaRenee]

You're definitely reading too much into this. I'd imagine that most women who react vigorously in a negative fashion are doing so because they are upset/confused/disgusted by the whole concept. Furthermore, a longtime SO who has this sprung on them, or found it out on her own, has every right to be absolutely livid about it. Most of the time, I'd say it's totally deceitful. And furthermore, trans thoughts and behaviors often go 180 degrees against what many women want in a man.

The situations you cite, you know, about straights protesting too strongly against homosexuals, etc - these are examples of fear or disgust without any reasonable provocation. That is why they stand out so much as possibly being indicative of a deeply held and repressed thought pattern. For SOs, it's a whole 'nother ballgame. They actually do have a reason to be disgusted by all of it.

Look, I can't stand pickles. If you try to make me eat them, I will protest quite a lot. I wouldn't be protesting because I secretly like to eat pickles but don't want anyone to know. I just don't like pickles. Sometimes, things are exactly what they look like on the surface.

[Foxglove]

I'd go along with the others. I don't really think there's much in this argument.

As for "Love Conquers All", I suppose I'm a terrible cynic. I don't believe that. Love can be a powerful force, but there are other powerful forces out there. Like neurosis. I once read some book, forget which one now, in which the author, a psychologist, basically said, "Neurosis conquers all." I know from personal experience that sometimes neurosis can beat love all to pieces. Sad, but true.

Annabelle the Cheerful

(Oh, and by the way, it should be "Methinks thou dost protest too much!" The ghost of Hamlet's father just visited me to tell me that.)

[UNDERDRESSER]

You forgot potentail response number 5, "Oh, Cool!"

Or to put it another way, complete acceptance.

[kellycan27]

I have often thought that when individuals are presented with some information, behavior, or action, and they go into extreme protesting, I wonder what is really behind this action. By example, we have seen several people in the last couple of years express extreme comments and thoughts against the gay lifestyle, and then later we hear that they have been participating in the very thing that they spoke against with a vengence. I can think of many prominent members of government and the clergy that have done this. So, is this some latent behavior waiting to come to the surface, and they are denying it through their words? Or as I have often said to others, "the thing that you dislike most about others, is the same thing that you dislike most about yourself".

Having said all of this, my question is, why do some wives go to the extreme when they find out about their husbands dressing habits? Are they afraid to come out in the open with their own little secrets? Is there some latent behavior that they fear would open up "a can of worms" that they would rather it stay closed? Is it wounding, that comes on top of other wounds? Or is it just the cultural lean of how they were taught of what sex and sexual behaviors should be? I just find it so hard to think that someone would throw away, or threaten to throw away a marriage investment with someone they loved.

When presented with situations in life, I find that there are generally four responces to the situation. One, to fight it, whether by word or deeds. Two, run away from the situation (divorce?). Three, Ignore the situation, as in DADT, and hope it goes away. Four, submit and accept to the situation, and make the best of it. Now some may go through many of the responces but the end out come is what is important. So how can the communication go to bring about the best possible end for both parties? I believe that open communication is the best start, so how can we get to the true bottom of the issue? Is your spouse really openly communicating with you, or is she holding back in some area? I say this believing that, "love conquers all", and compromise is a corner stone in a good marriage. So, is there to much protesting?


You forgot number 5 Blame the wife for not liking it or for not seeing things your way.

[Jamie Ann]

I have often thought that when individuals are presented with some information, behavior, or action, and they go into extreme protesting, I wonder what is really behind this action. By example, we have seen several people in the last couple of years express extreme comments and thoughts against the gay lifestyle, and then later we hear that they have been participating in the very thing that they spoke against with a vengence. I can think of many prominent members of government and the clergy that have done this. So, is this some latent behavior waiting to come to the surface, and they are denying it through their words? Or as I have often said to others, "the thing that you dislike most about others, is the same thing that you dislike most about yourself".

Having said all of this, my question is, why do some wives go to the extreme when they find out about their husbands dressing habits? Are they afraid to come out in the open with their own little secrets? Is there some latent behavior that they fear would open up "a can of worms" that they would rather it stay closed? Is it wounding, that comes on top of other wounds? Or is it just the cultural lean of how they were taught of what sex and sexual behaviors should be? I just find it so hard to think that someone would throw away, or threaten to throw away a marriage investment with someone they loved.

When presented with situations in life, I find that there are generally four responces to the situation. One, to fight it, whether by word or deeds. Two, run away from the situation (divorce?). Three, Ignore the situation, as in DADT, and hope it goes away. Four, submit and accept to the situation, and make the best of it. Now some may go through many of the responces but the end out come is what is important. So how can the communication go to bring about the best possible end for both parties? I believe that open communication is the best start, so how can we get to the true bottom of the issue? Is your spouse really openly communicating with you, or is she holding back in some area? I say this believing that, "love conquers all", and compromise is a corner stone in a good marriage. So, is there to much protesting?

Women are much more accepting of transgender persons than men are, so transphobic women are not as prominent a phenomenon as transphobic men. But about 30% of adult women in the US are not accepting; and some portion of those could reasonably be called transphobic. The dynamic in women, I believe, involves a combination of (1) a crossdressing husband and (2) marital problems having a sexual aspect. Married women with crossdressing husbands who associate his crossdressing with their marital problems may become transphobic. Many such women have husbands in their 20s or 30s who need Viagra to have sexual relations with them — and even then the sex is not very satisfying. Understandably, the wives are likely to develop vague suspicions, recognized or not, that their husbands are not 100% heterosexual and that their sexual preferences are somehow related to their fondness for women’s clothing. Some women are so terrified by the thought that their husbands might be “homos” that they become consumed by fear and anger. They sense their husbands’ seeming disinterest in them and less than ideal functioning in the bedroom are somehow due to crossdressing. Their antipathy toward crossdressing would fall into the category of transphobia, even though its origin is somewhat different than the dynamic in men. It is irrational because her husbands are what they are; objectively, the problems a married couple may be having are not consequences of crossdressing. What makes the notion that “crossdressing caused it” very hard to believe is that millions of crossdressing husbands and their wives are in happy heterosexual marriages.

This certainly is a topic worthy of discussion. Thanks!