Please read!! Need advice and support

[Veronica James]

Hi I'm Veronica and I have been crossdressing ever since I was little! I love to dress and always give in to my urges. I have a girlfriend and we have been together for five years. I love her very much, but she does not know about this part of me. I have always loves women and always had girlfriend as a teen and young adult, but.... Here it goes, I think I'm gay!! I sometimes fantasize being with men as I am dressed! I know this is normal for your sexual identities as a cd, but I really want to try it. I hope this makes sense to some of you, but I feel like I should try it and get it put of my system! I feel like life would be do much easier if I weren't like this but this might be who I am! I will always want to dress, but I don't know where my lifestyle is going to head!! Thanks for reading and any comments or advice is more than welcome!!

[flatlander_48]

Yes, there is only one way to know for sure. However, it isn't something that needs to get sorted out tomorrow. As an adult, I think a more deliberate approach is needed. It's not like being a teenager and just jumping in and not considering the consequences.

[sandra-leigh]

You are at the very least "bi-curious".

It would be greatly inadvisable to act on your impulses without talking with your girlfriend about your sexual curiosity. Reactions could vary from between "Great! Let's swing!" to "You better cure yourself of those thoughts if you want to remain with me!" to "I can't take this, you're a sinning evil ******* and we're through!". And that's whether or not you mention about the cross-dressing.

Acting on it without your girlfriend's knowledge would be Heaps Bad Karma. Especially when you tell her she needs to get an HIV test.

[ReineD]

I'd like to ask you a question.

First, let's set the stage: Pretend for a moment that you do not crossdress, so it hasn't ramped up lately, filling your mind with fantasies of being with that faceless man when you're dressed, and experiencing the ultimate feminine sexual experience.

Now the question: You're in guy mode. You've become intensely attracted to the new hot, buxom babe at the office. She walks by and her scent is enough to send you to the moon! You can't stop fantasizing about her, especially when, knowing that you are watching her, she bends down and begins to straighten her seamed silk nylons, running her hands from her ankle-strap pumps, up her lower leg, past her knees, and slowly up her thigh all the way into her short little skirt which she hikes up ever so slightly so that you can see the tops of her thigh highs, all the while boring her intense blue eyes into you and with the most imperceptible smile and with a shake of her long, curly golden locks, she passes her tongue across her luscious, red lips, sending you a very clear message that she wants you.

So. What do you do about this? How do you handle the situation with your girlfriend? :)

[Heather Daniels]

Wow Reine... you've just given me something to think about while I drift off to sleep tonight. :daydreaming:

[Barbara Ella]

The only question I have Reine, is what office do you work in, and where do I apply.

Barbara

[Cynthia Anne]

You know I think you need to give this a lot of thought! I'm not acusing you but it's almost as if you are wanting permission to cheat on your girlfriend! Think about it and remember cheaters never win! Good luck!

[ReineD]

Everyone, my intent was not to take this lightly, but to point out that it doesn't matter to whom the attraction is, male or female. What matters is how to handle the situation when one is in a committed relationship with someone else. Does having fantasies about men while dressed give a CDer license to entertain the possibility of following through? Would he have an affair with the hot babe at the office as well?

Every marital counselor I've been to (the ex and I went to see four of them), said that unless a person is a serial affair seeker, fantasies about going outside the relationship are usually an indication there is something lacking in the relationship. So, it behooves partners to be honest with each other and talk about it. Some people might be secure enough in themselves and in their relationships to share a growing fantasy about someone else, so that they can get to the nitty-gritty about what's missing for the partner who is having the fantasy, and begin to incorporate it in their bedroom.

Veronica is in a difficult situation though because his girlfriend does not know about the CDing. Also, I think that Veronica's fantasies are intensified because he has no outlet for the CDing, since his girlfriend doesn't even know about it yet.

So, Veronica you have a choice. Come clean to her first about the CDing (whether or not you immediately choose to share your fantasies about being with men is up to you since I've no clue what your relationship dynamics are). But do open up to your girlfriend about the CDing and take it from there. After some time (it may take a few years), if she is understanding of your need to dress, and if she also understands there is a sexual component to it, she may well be willing to mix it up in the bedroom with you. If not, and if your fantasies about men continue to intensify, then the two of you will need to make some serious decisions about your future together.

Or, you can continue to keep this underground, you can continue to escape into your fantasies about men and you can even get into meeting a few online and getting into titillating experiences that will give you great fodder for solo gratification. Or, you can even meet one or two physically, behind your girlfriend's back. But, if you do this, be prepared for your relationship to end.

[Tracii G]

Normal when dressed MtF to want to have sex with a man? I don't think so not for me anyway.
Making a blanket statement like that is a bit overboard don't you think?
You seem to be thinking because you dress and have a fantasy about men that make s you gay? Nope I would consider you bi-curious if that is how you feel.

[Diane Maple]

If you do decide to do anything with ANYONE outside your girl frind... Make sure you use protection and lube! No kissing, etc. If it was just your life your playing with that is one thing... You have a partner. Respect them.... Even if you do cheat.... Don't share your mistake as an std. I am not saying cheet.... I'm saying always use protection.

[ReineD]

That's a good point. If you do go for it with the type of men who are into CDs, be prepared to ask your gf to be tested for STDs. Condoms are not 100% foolproof, plus there is a risk they will break or slip:

http://www.thebody.com/content/art2436.html#std

[Jenniferathome]

I sometimes fantasize being with men as I am dressed! I know this is normal for your sexual identities as a cd, but I really want to try it.
This is not "normal" for crossdressers. It may be normal for gay or bi men who happen to also crossdress. As a straight males crossdresser, I never think about being with a man. Nothing is more repugnant, in fact. When I am dressed, I feel pretty. Odd as that seems to write, it makes me feel,good. Sex is not part of this.

[RADER]

This is not "normal" for crossdressers. It may be normal for gay or bi men who happen to also crossdress. As a straight males crossdresser, I never think about being with a man. Nothing is more repugnant, in fact. When I am dressed, I feel pretty. Odd as that seems to write, it makes me feel,good. Sex is not part of this.

Yes; I am with you on this point. Even the thought of being with a man turns my stomach. Have I ever looked at other
girls, Yes, I have and always will, But I am true to my wife that I love and respect very much.
An old saying comes to mind......."A mans head is like a door knob, Any girl walking by can turn it"
Rader

[Ashley D.]

I'd like to ask you a question.

First, let's set the stage: Pretend for a moment that you do not crossdress, so it hasn't ramped up lately, filling your mind with fantasies of being with that faceless man when you're dressed, and experiencing the ultimate feminine sexual experience.

Now the question: You're in guy mode. You've become intensely attracted to the new hot, buxom babe at the office. She walks by and her scent is enough to send you to the moon! You can't stop fantasizing about her, especially when, knowing that you are watching her, she bends down and begins to straighten her seamed silk nylons, running her hands from her ankle-strap pumps, up her lower leg, past her knees, and slowly up her thigh all the way into her short little skirt which she hikes up ever so slightly so that you can see the tops of her thigh highs, all the while boring her intense blue eyes into you and with the most imperceptible smile and with a shake of her long, curly golden locks, she passes her tongue across her luscious, red lips, sending you a very clear message that she wants you.

So. What do you do about this? How do you handle the situation with your girlfriend? :)

Omg…
I feel like I was cheating on my wife just a little by reading that.
But you took the words out of my mouth.

Veronica,
It doesn't mater if you are attracted to men women or both.
If your with someone you don't go looking or thinking about looking.

[Melissa Rose]

"I sometimes fantasize being with men as I am dressed!"Veronica, there is an important question you need to ask yourself. Are you attracted to men and want to be with men regardless of the way you are dressed? If it is only when you are cross dressed then it may be, as you put it, a fantasy.

Cross dressing often escalates. It often starts with panties and bras or pieces of clothing then advances into full outfits, shoes, make up, wigs, etc.. It is like an addiction and more is needed over time. After achieving the look, having real life experiences as a woman is often next. This includes going out in public, interacting with others and doing other things you think defines being a women. Being sexually desired by a man and sexually involved is one of the ultimate steps. In your mind, it further advances you along the path of feeling and being a woman.

So are you really attracted to men or attracted to the thought of being with one (i.e., it is a fantasy)? If it is the former then you may be gay; if it the later then it is mostly part of a fantasy. From your description and reading between the lines, it appears to me to be the latter. There is nothing wrong with being curious and having healthy fantasies, but be very careful about acting on them. Pink fog can severely cloud your judgement and make you do things you would never normally do. The consequences can be quite severe so be ready and willing to pay the price if it blows up into something bad.

[TxCassie]

Veronica,

I know you must be in state, I feel for you dear. Now, I am gay, and in the past ten years, I've allowed my feminine side emerge gradually. I was gay from as long as I can remember. I've dressed in various forms, as long as I can remember. It can be daunting confusing, but, I feel my sexuality while related to my transgenderism, is separate. I am gay dressed en drab, as well as en femme. I relate my mental, emotional, and physical well-being to men, from both a giving and receiving perspectives. While, I can see my transgenderism playing a part in a relationship, and may very well be the "perfect" relationship for me, I can keep the two separate,but both are never going away, and always must be expressed and not suppressed. I am learning that everyday.

At age 26, your sexuality should already be a set fixture of your personality. For most men, the difference is weather or not you've acted upon their feelings and desires. Even a closet, man who is suppressing his feelings and desires knows he is gay. Acting upon those feelings and desires solidifies, dispels confusion, and make awareness real. In that once you act upon your feelings, you cannot go back to the being the man you were before, because you will then "KNOW for sure"

I believe sexuality is so fluid in our lives, during our lives, through out our lives. So, it could be now that you are older, in a stable relationship, at a point where all is "simpatico" that the your gay sexuality is now being allowed to emerge by your sub conscience. But if you indeed have sincere emotional, mental, and physical pleasure, connection with females, then you are not gay. A gay man will know this without a shadow of a doubt. That's ok. You're transgenderism may be part of your bisexuality, and in a way allows you to be bisexual without loosing the heterosexual side of your persona. I don't want to sound to be an expert, as my remarks are reflection of my own journey.

However, I also believe the "cheating" question is a much different matter and is not related to your transgenderism or your sexuality, it's a character issue. The behavior you exhibit is a reflection on your character, not your sexuality. If you love her, then your behavior must reflect your feelings for her. There is a reason why it's called "cheating". Honesty is always the best policy. But, even in honesty, how you express it is a reflection of your character. Are you tender and sensitive, or are you hard, matter-of-fact, my way or the highway type?

It's quite ironic, I feel, how you reveal your feminine person may turn out to be your most masculine act.

Good Luck Dear,

Casie :love:

[Lorileah]

Hi I'm Veronica and I have been crossdressing ever since I was little! I love to dress and always give in to my urges. I have a girlfriend and we have been together for five years. I love her very much, but she does not know about this part of me. I have always loves women and always had girlfriend as a teen and young adult, but.... Here it goes, I think I'm gay!! Hold on there partner, you are with a woman, I assume you two are having relations and you are enjoying it. You are not gay, bi maybe but not gay. Take a deep breath and relax.
I sometimes fantasize being with men as I am dressed! I know this is normal quick insertion here...it isn't that common, most TG's don't think about it or only think about it in passing. ok back to the program
for your sexual identities as a cd, but I really want to try it. I hope this makes sense to some of you, but I feel like I should try it and get it put of my system! well I always say you can't say you don't like something if you haven't tried it but here I will make an exception. Do it if you WANT to do it, if you are doing because you think you HAVE to do it..don't
I feel like life would be do much easier if I weren't like this but this might be who I am! I will always want to dress, but I don't know where my lifestyle is going to head!! Thanks for reading and any comments or advice is more than welcome!!

I would say from all that, that you are not gay and you are not bi but just are curious. I would consider thinking about it a bit longer. Are you really attracted to men? If it is only when you are dressed I would leave it as a fantasy. If you are attracted to men at other times, try it in a safe and sane manner. Be careful, don't rush it, let your partner know it is your first time so they don't think you shake like that all the time. Above all BE CAREFUL. Take precautions.

[Missy]

use the heart to find out what you really want for you a lot could happen that you will regret later
it is all a choice that is up too you on what lifestyle you go for

best of luck and have fun

[Jennifer B]

Every marital counselor I've been to (the ex and I went to see four of them), said that unless a person is a serial affair seeker, fantasies about going outside the relationship are usually an indication there is something lacking in the relationship.

Boom! That's it right there.
I spent many years with a wonderful woman and during that time, the most sexy to die for women could march across my vision, hip swinging and with infinite eyes and they didn't even register. The only thing was my baby. It wasn't a question of choosing to not look at other women. It was the fact that they weren't even in the same dimension.

Eventually and to my eternal regret our relationship broke down and I knew this was happening when I found myself looking at other women and wondering what it would be like to be physically and emotionally tied with them. The moment I thought that, I felt the deepest embarrassment and guilt that I've ever felt, because I knew that something had changed forever that can't be undone and I hated myself for it. It's taken me years to accept that such a change was possible and I still hate where it led us. I want us to be happy and in love again. But she's gone and I think we all know that when it happens, but it may take a while to recognise it. Even though it really shouldn't be that much of a mystery. We are strange creatures when it comes to emotions and relationships, but we know the difference between fantasy and reality and more importantly what's real and what's important and right in every sense of the word. When it's gone you know, even if you don't admit it for years later.

[ReineD]

... our relationship broke down and I knew this was happening when I found myself looking at other women and wondering what it would be like to be physically and emotionally tied with them. The moment I thought that, I felt the deepest embarrassment and guilt that I've ever felt, because I knew that something had changed forever that can't be undone and I hated myself for it.

What most people don't understand (I certainly didn't at the time) is, they themselves are responsible for the distancing. We think that love "should" come naturally and easily and if it doesn't stay at that level then it means that we've fallen out of love. The truth is, after the first phase of new love has ended (anywhere from 2-7 years), the relationship needs to be worked at with constant and open communication, which requires a high degree of honesty. And it doesn't matter what issue is at hand. But, most people aren't the best communicators. One partner will attempt to share something, the other will take it the wrong way, there will be bad feelings, and then the couple will have learned to "not discuss" certain things. They sweep them under the carpet since it's easier that way. And then begins years of each partner building their own stories inside their heads over everything they're not talking about. Resentments build, even if they are hidden. And libidos fade. And then third parties start to look real good, which is a no-brainer, because the "other person" doesn't have any of the same shared, unresolved baggage that exists between the couple.

I think that couples who have grown apart can learn to get the old magic back between them. But, it takes a mutual recognition that things can be better and a mutual desire to recommit and reconnect. And it takes putting everything on the table, so as to stop building stories. This isn't easy. But then is anything worthwhile getting easy?

[Megan_Leah]

Veronica,

I would certainly talk to the gf about your cding. As long as she doensn't freak, you could then discuss your being bi-curious. Hopefully your gf won't be adverse to helping you experience this fantasy. There are ways she can do that. I am bi-curious and I have a very understanding gf who doesn't mind helping me experience this. If you are still having sex with your gf and enjoying it, I would be very hesitant to consider yourself gay. My gf loves her "gf". I am a very lucky guy.

Best of luck,

Megan

[docrobbysherry]

Roni, if u r attracted to men when u r in drab, u MAY be bi, as Lorileah explained. Not likely you're gay.

I think the CD "fantasy" of being with a man u mentioned is, "Common", but is NOT "Normal".

[ReineD]

Do the labels really matter, whether it is called gay, bi, bicurious, pan, or fantasy? :eek:

What will you do with it?

Veronica, if you were single, I'd say, "Have at it! Stop wasting your time wondering and talking about it, and go out there and figure it out. If you get turned off when you find yourself naked in a room with another man, then you're straight. If not, then you're bi. And if over time women begin to disgust you, then you're gay".

But, there is the question of your gf to consider.

[Veronica Lacey]

This is not "normal" for crossdressers. It may be normal for gay or bi men who happen to also crossdress. As a straight males crossdresser, I never think about being with a man. ....... When I am dressed, I feel pretty. Odd as that seems to write, it makes me feel,good. Sex is not part of this.

This paraphrased portion speaks for me as well. I do not find anything wrong if a cross dressing male is attracted to men but I have not conversed with very many here that are; it's certainly not my normal, any way. Perhaps this feeling is your way of justifying to yourself your long time desires to dress. Perhaps you may consider that not every sexual urge should be pursued in life and maybe you need to separate your dressing from these new revelations first.

Open and honest with your girlfriend about your dressing is best. Five years is already a long time to keep such a secret.

Good Luck.

[sandra-leigh]

I think the CD "fantasy" of being with a man u mentioned is, "Common", but is NOT "Normal".

In my parent's generation, more than half of males smoked (cigarettes or pipe) and less than half of women did. The percentage of women smokers later rose to more than half. Now-a-days, the fraction of smokers is below half for both. So what is "normal", the smoking or the non-smoking?

I went out to a bar tonight to celebrate a birthday. I was the only person in the bar that did not habitually drink alcohol. So I guess I was the person there who was not "normal" ? Even though there are big countries in which almost no-one habitually drinks alcohol ?

I don't drink coffee. I guess I'm not normal that way? Does it make a difference that I'm half descended from the UK, where the common drink is tea instead of coffee ??

[Jennifer B]

What most people don't understand (I certainly didn't at the time) is, they themselves are responsible for the distancing. We think that love "should" come naturally and easily and if it doesn't stay at that level then it means that we've fallen out of love. The truth is, after the first phase of new love has ended (anywhere from 2-7 years), the relationship needs to be worked at with constant and open communication, which requires a high degree of honesty. And it doesn't matter what issue is at hand. But, most people aren't the best communicators. One partner will attempt to share something, the other will take it the wrong way, there will be bad feelings, and then the couple will have learned to "not discuss" certain things. They sweep them under the carpet since it's easier that way. And then begins years of each partner building their own stories inside their heads over everything they're not talking about. Resentments build, even if they are hidden. And libidos fade. And then third parties start to look real good, which is a no-brainer, because the "other person" doesn't have any of the same shared, unresolved baggage that exists between the couple.

I think that couples who have grown apart can learn to get the old magic back between them. But, it takes a mutual recognition that things can be better and a mutual desire to recommit and reconnect. And it takes putting everything on the table, so as to stop building stories. This isn't easy. But then is anything worthwhile getting easy?

You are absolutely right of course and a lot of what you say, the years of building resentment and unresolved emotional baggage, is very familiar to me. I probably shouldn't have posted what I did in the way I did as it was applicable to my relationship but obviously we are all different and what I said shouldn't be taken as meaning that this is applicable to everyone. I was a bit tired and emotional when I posted. So sorry my comment wasn't particularly helpful.

[ReineD]

I probably shouldn't have posted what I did

It's OK, my statement was not a criticism of what you wrote, just an observation of a root cause for the deterioration of relationships. You were describing your situation, and the same thing happened in my own long-term marriage. We both got interested in others, but by the time that happened, our marriage was well past the point of recovery. We had spent far too many years sweeping issues under the carpet and the resentments had built to the point of no longer being resolvable. We were equally responsible for this situation.

[karinels]

I can relate directly with your dilemma, Veronica, and it is a great point. I do think everyone does react in their own way to any attraction they may feel towards the same sex. I just turned 43 this year, have been dressing since my earliest memories, but these later years I have been feeling the same way. And it has progressed from certain acts to a lot more here recently. I have met with a few guys in the last 2 months, and did dress for them, and have encountered sex with them. Not to be too precise, but there is one act I simply adore doing, others not so well.

I do have a girlfriend, and she knows I dress, and I also informed her in one of first conversations about the bi-curiosity and stated I did not know where the feelings would go, or how far. She has only seen me dressed 2 times, and says she doesn't care what I wear, but she never asks me to dress up. This makes me wonder how well she supports it, and what her reaction to the guys will be. Whether I am BI or gay, I have not achieved satisfaction with any guy, and even my sex life with my gf has been stagnant for a long time, but not because she doesn't want to if that makes any sense.

To you ReineD, how would i react to the hot girl at the office flirting with me? I would be attracted to her, yes. But I would not want to have sex with her. I would be too jealous wanting to be her.

[CONSUELO]

For the first period of crossdressing, from about five until my late twenties, I never even thought about being with a male but then something happened in my life and I found myself in a very casual affair that included a male TV and yes, we had relations. For the next decade or more I regarded that as a singular event but then it happened again and again. I was not prepared for the evolutionary path that my sexuality was taking and was perplexed. I wish now that I had sought out a good counsellor to help me think things through properly. I would advise that for you also, before you find yourself experimenting with new relationships. But, and this is important, find a counsellor who has wide experience of helping crossdressers. It really makes a difference as most counsellors never encounter this in their professional career.

[LelaK]

Anal sex is always dangerous and vaginal sex also leads to STDs for about 40% of those who have casual sex, as I understand.

I'd want to be sure my sex partner has no STDs etc before considering having sex. So I also would prefer someone who's not promiscuous.

[Ddannie]

We had spent far too many years sweeping issues under the carpet and the resentments had built to the point of no longer being resolvable. We were equally responsible for this situation.[/QUOTE]

Renne, Jennifer B,
I found your comments very eye opening for me. 30 years into my first marriage there is an ever growing huge pile under our rug. It intimidates me to even think about looking under there. I found your comments helpful.
D

[MissTee]

This is not "normal" for crossdressers. It may be normal for gay or bi men who happen to also crossdress. As a straight males crossdresser, I never think about being with a man. Nothing is more repugnant, in fact. When I am dressed, I feel pretty. Odd as that seems to write, it makes me feel,good. Sex is not part of this.

I second that :iagree:

[suspender]

Great thread girls. This dilemma faces many as I have seen over the years on this website alone. For me it is totally internalised with a very few that have been in my company crossdressed. There is no need for a man to be involved (apart from myself) as Jenifer has explained, for me it is about how you feel while you dress. The exhileration is like standing on the edge of a cliff without the fear of jumping, where going the next step from CD to acting out everything with a guy changes the picture to another dimension and could be taking the leap off the cliff. Sometimes clarity is difficult to pull from confusion, but I acknowledge we are all different.