Desires vs wants, does the urge of expressing your feminine self ever diminish?

[Danika140]

This is something I've found myself struggling with a lot over the years. There are so many things I want to do in my life, both as a male and as a female that I find myself unable to really make a commitment to either or. As most of you know, I am in the military as a Reservist deployed to Afghanistan, but I have always wanted to be a Special Forces Soldier. Something that is impossible for a woman do with the current policies in place. However, the other part of me wants nothing more than to transition.

My question is, has anyone else experienced this type of crossroad and how did you handle it? Were the urges easy to suppress and diminish over time or were the urges there as a constant reminder of who you should express?

I am going to college next fall for a semester to train a little more for the Army so I have a full year to decide what to do.

[Teri Ray]

Wow you do have a hard decision. I am not in a position to offer advice (lord knows I am not the best thinker) having said that I think you might consider persuing both paths. Complete special forces training and then make you decision. I am not sure if that is doable but if so you might be in a position to make your decision with better information.

best wishes

Teri

[STACY B]

That's why Lots of chix go to the head Doctor ? Not me I know exactly what I want to be ? A female version of what I have created over the years ,,Not girly or giddy ,,Just the female version of me ,,,My personality ,,Just with a little hint of a female twist thats all . Nothing drastic just a suddle difference that you can't even see unless you know me very well . A stranger would never even suspect a thing ,,Just close family an friends ,, Never wanted to go hard one way or the other ,,I like it to be real life what ya see is what ya get ! There is no sense being all girly ,,That's not real life ,, I am not fem just female ,,Just becaise your female does not mean your FEM . Lots of strong willed girls out there ,, My SO ,,,,

[kimdl93]

Tough choices. My suggestion is to do the male things you've set as goals in the next couple of years, then eternal to civilian life tompursuemyour personal dreams. Yes, in the short term you'll be frustrating one need to pursue another, but that is a matter of personal discipline, something you've already mastered.

[melissakozak]

You sound like an inbetweenie like me. I actually do enjoy many aspects of male life and despise other aspects, and frankly, I really enjoy my femme life as well, but there are aspects about being a woman that are a royal pain in the ass. Sexual objectivity, assumed lesser intelligence, assumed submissiveness, etc. Can't I be a a warm, sensitive, loving, and caring male AND a woman with an edge? You bet. It is who I am. Go to a counselor and sort out what is important to you. You are young and it is best to get this sort of thing figured out earlier rather than later....

[Danika140]

I'm inclined to agree with everyone. I suppose I already knew the answer to the question, just looking for validation. I ultimately feel that going SF first would help me in a few ways. It gives me at least five more years to really think it through and decide, I would make a ton of money with all the deployments I'll be going for so saving for the SRS would be easy. I would have fulfilled my dream of being SF, thus allowing me to move on without regrets. I feel the real challenge won't be suffering through the Special Forces training, but suppressing the urges to live as to how I feel for another five years.

Well, at least I'll have plenty of time to learn all the little tricks of being a woman before I actually make the leap into it.

As always, sound advice. Thank you!

[Sally24]

If you are interested in the physical part of the special forces program then be aware that this is a young man's game. You get promoted and age a little and then you are only involved in planning and management and not the actual operations. Some soldiers can deal with this but many get out once they've been promoted out of the "fun" part. You could spend the early years in actual combat and then get discharged and look to transition. Life doesn't get any easier as the years go by!

[Jorja]

You have to understand, this is a deeply personal issue. What was good for me may not be good for you. I faced the same dilemma as you. I wanted to become a Navy Seal. I needed to become a woman. I could not control the urges to transition nor did I want to at that point. So guess which one won? The US Navy went on and survived without me. I am sure the US Army will continue on if you do not become a Special Forces Soldier. So look into your heart, mind, body and soul. Weigh your options. Then do what is best for you.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

If you don't need to live as a woman, don't. If you know you are going to end up transitioning, there is nothing wrong with planning it and timing it so you have support and resources to transition in a positive way..

Over time , you will be able to determine what your needs are all about...

If you really meant to say that there are things you want to accomplish "as a man", this flies in the face of being transsexual anyway..

whatever the nature of your desires for female/feminine expression, they will not go away, and if you are transsexual they will increase the more you invest in your male life...in a way, that leads to a pragmatic answer to keep pushing forward with your male life, and see what happens up until the point where the choice is basically made for you..

the whole "what should i do?" is a crazy topic because its like trying to decide whether to jump off a bridge with a blindfold based on somebody's promise that there is water down there...

btw i know 2 transitioned women in their 40's and 50's that were special forces..

[melissaK]

IMPE the desire to transition will get worse the longer you don't.

Longtime gender counselor Anne Vitale calls the stress Gender Deprivation Anxiety Disorder. Meaning the longer you deprive yourself from expressing your true gender the worse your anxiety will be.

She formed this opinion after decades of treating gender conflicted people. Anxiety can peak in suicide attempts and emotional breakdowns. Do not take her opinions lightly. Do not be quick to think "I am different".

The Army may be RIFting. Afghanistan is expensive and the US is tired of paying, If you get RIFted what will you do in the private sector? Military opps, SF type jobs are rare inside the US unless you held a high rank. Talk to some employer career counselors in and out of Army.

Also have you talked to a counselor about whether your Special Forces desires are fueled by a desire to refute shame you feel about being a girl inside? I am too short on time to go read your back posts and learn about you. But if you felt you were a girl at a young age, odds are your self esteem is not the best. Manly persuits is a way to earn others esteem in a predictable way to fix your own shortage of self esteem. This is stuff a counselor might help with (or some are a waste of time - You cant tell going in).

[abigailf]

Sounds like you are in a position to be a pioneer. Pursue what you need to pursue so you are whole and can pursue those things you want to pursue. Don't let laws or rules stop you, get them changed.

Although that is easy for me to say, I'm not in that position and I do not envy you for it for sure.

Good luck.

[Danika140]

Everyone made very valid points and I appreciate the time and feedback that was provided. After much thought and grumbling from my boss from being distracted all day, I have decided that I will forego joining the Army to be myself. As Jorja said, the Army will survive without me but there is no guarantee I would survive the Army with the chosen path. This is my 5th tour overseas already and have done a lot of kick ass jobs and supported some very cutting edge ops so I really have nothing left to prove. The military has certainly beaten me up and gotten its money worth out of me so I am going to move on.

This decision wasn't easy because I've always dreamed of being SF, but as Melissa stated, the more I deny who I am, the stronger the urge to express that part of me. I am an extremely strong person both physically and emotionally but I seriously doubt I would be able to suppress the urges and still make rational decisions. Because I am shaky now, I am not going to put myself or my team in a position to be hurt or killed because I can't focus on the mission at hand. I've already come out to everyone who is important to me and have their support so the only hard part now is to make the full commitment.

As always, I am very thankful for the advice, insight and opinions shared by everyone.

[melissaK]

5 tours! With all my heart - Thanks for being there for all of us! I know the sacrifice and you troops are the best.

(I was raised an AF brat, all my exes and my wife are brats; LOTS of service people in my life and among my best friends)

[Bree-asaurus]

If you do want to stay in and give it a shot, you can always start hormones when you're ready to quit. When your superiors find out your a transsexual taking hormones they will likely give you the option of... oh what is it called... honorable discharge? That happened to a couple people I know.

[PaulaAnn]

A very interesting and thoughtful post. I'm not qualified to offer any advice on what you should do.I suppose the old line of "follow your heart and dreams" could apply.
I served in the RCAF and CAF for 38 years and my desire ,need and want to be feminine never left me;some of the time my "dream" was suppressed,but it was always in my mind to a lesser or greater degree.Although my feminine side was diminished at times ,my desire and want never left me and in the past ten years has actually grown stronger to the point of my telling my family all and going public.It cost me dearly ,but I'm now at peace within myself;it took me 50+ years to get here.
Paula

[Courtneigh]

No, mine surelu doesn't...I have more urges, needs and wants towards the Fem side rather than the male....there is nothing Iwant to do so bad as a male....except to transform to my Female-self !

[Danika140]

5 tours! With all my heart - Thanks for being there for all of us! I know the sacrifice and you troops are the best.

(I was raised an AF brat, all my exes and my wife are brats; LOTS of service people in my life and among my best friends)

Yep, 5 tours in 7 years and with being stationed in Germany for two years, this tour will make 5.5 years I've been overseas. I think I've earned myself a little down time to be who I want to be. The thought of being the woman I feel I am gets me more excited than the thought of being an SF soldier. In that regards, it seems my decision has been made for me on an emotional level.

[LelaK]

I don't know if there are any other oldies here, but I'm a Vietnam veteran, and I agree with former Marine general Smedley Butler, that war is a racket, and I think the U.S. is increasing terrorism by pushing its weight around in Muslim countries. I don't mind if you disagree, but I think everyone should listen to all sides and try to find solutions that satisfy everyone's main concerns, instead of just trying to dominate others.

As for the issue of gender identity over time, I've been satisfied to cross-dress secretly all my life, though lately I've begun to desire to meet others who are into alternative identities etc. I'd like to be able to cross-dress in the company of others, if I'm not too old. I don't like to feel too much out of place. In 2005 I saw a couple of young male cross-dressers staying at the New England Shelter for Homeless Veterans in Boston. I don't know if they had gotten any surgery or anything, but they looked good. I personally wouldn't want to mess with surgery.

[Myojine]

In 2005 I saw a couple of young male cross-dressers staying at the New England Shelter for Homeless Veterans in Boston. I don't know if they had gotten any surgery or anything, but they looked good. I personally wouldn't want to mess with surgery.

@surgery notion, I feel the opposite, Im going to try to get the surgeries as soon as possible. I dont want to loose out on an experiance i could be having, its hard enough not having the memories i shouldhave grown up with.

Oh yeah... I might add I spent time in service too(US ARMY), well nothing like you. vietnam was hell, the most I ever did was pull people out of snowed in houses in the winter. Anyways, i admire you for your service.

[Danika140]

I don't know if there are any other oldies here, but I'm a Vietnam veteran, and I agree with former Marine general Smedley Butler, that war is a racket, and I think the U.S. is increasing terrorism by pushing its weight around in Muslim countries. I don't mind if you disagree, but I think everyone should listen to all sides and try to find solutions that satisfy everyone's main concerns, instead of just trying to dominate others.

As for the issue of gender identity over time, I've been satisfied to cross-dress secretly all my life, though lately I've begun to desire to meet others who are into alternative identities etc. I'd like to be able to cross-dress in the company of others, if I'm not too old. I don't like to feel too much out of place. In 2005 I saw a couple of young male cross-dressers staying at the New England Shelter for Homeless Veterans in Boston. I don't know if they had gotten any surgery or anything, but they looked good. I personally wouldn't want to mess with surgery.

Oh, I do agree with you. These countries and cultures have been around thousands of years before the US came to be and have their own way of handling themselves. I favor more of an isolationist view in pulling every troop back home and look after our own country.

For me, the more I cross dress, the more I feel I need to be whole in showing that side. I feel I should be going out and facing the world as a woman so that is what I am striving for after this current deployment is over.