The 24 Hour Scenario Question - What Would You Do?

[Meghan]

I have been thinking about all of the "should I tell or not tell" questions that have been floating around, and have been considering a reply to many of them.

The best approach I can think of is a scenario question. It extends to closeted and out of the closet folks who are/were in a relationship, but probably isn't relevant for anyone who has never been closeted (but, answer away if you're inspired and in that last group):

The 24 Hour Scenario

You receive an email titled "I Know What You've Been Doing" from a friend of your wife/girlfriend/SO/boyfriend/whomever. You open it, and it reads:


"You probably didn't notice, but I dropped by yesterday. I saw what you were doing through the window, though. You were wearing a dress and makeup! I had to be sure, so I looked closer and even took a couple of pictures, which are attached to this email.

Since this has never come up, I have to assume that wife/girlfriend/SO/boyfriend/whomever doesn't know about this...so you have 24 hours from the time you read this to fess up, or I will tell wife/girlfriend/SO/boyfriend/whomever myself.

I hope you are proud of yourself!"

You open the pictures and sure enough, there you are, plain as day in a dress, makeup and heels you've been hiding from the world.

How do you handle this? You're hand is about to be forced, the secret is coming out. Do you tell wife/girlfriend/SO/boyfriend/whomever right away and give yourself some time to work through the problem before your friend gets involved? Do you wait and hope your friend changes their mind? Do you try to talk your friend out of telling, or worse yet purge your things and pretend it is all a lie made up by your friend? Is blackmail a possibility? Can you try and blame Photoshop?


Personal Commentary on the Question

In my opinion, every closeted day of my life (when I wasn't totally purged) was this scenario. I knew that someone would eventually put this together. There are few certainties in this life, but going from toddler through my whole life undiscovered was almost surely never going to happen.

Every day was a chance to say something before I was discovered (or worse), that is until the day I told my wife. I have a lot of regrets, but I am thankful I had the strength to tell her without having her discover this and force the issue, regardless of the outcome.

What would you do?

Meghan

[kimdl93]

Come out to your SO, and tell the offender that you will report him or her to the police for blackmail if he or she doesn't apologize and destroy the photos.

[Sara Jessica]

This is one of those ultimate TG paranoia scenarios. I've been there, thinking that everyone is looking over my shoulder just waiting to out me. We can be our own worst enemies when it comes to thoughts like this. When you get over these thoughts, it can be so very liberating.

But if one is looking at facing blackmail as an impetus to disclose to the person closest to them, then there are bigger issues in play, namely the secret in the first place.

[Lorileah]

I would tell my EX friend that they can do whatever they want, that in the long run it will just make them look like an idiot and that no one we both knew would ever trust them anymore for anything. I play poker so they are holding deuces and trying to bluff me into a fold. Your call, you know they have a weak hand are you willing to hold and see how they play it out? In any case they would no longer be welcome as a friend. I don't see that you have anything to raise with but I would call

[Tara D. Rose]

Oh my, this would be very bad. But it is an excellent post Meghan. Since my wife already knows about me. I will answer as if she didn't know.

I would ignore the person all together. I would not even respond to them in any way. I wouldn't give them the satisfaction of them thinking they have me sweating, even if I was. But I would be prepared to give a speech to my wife should she ever say she got an email from a friend. If she got a call from her friend or an email with those kind of pics. I would own up to it. I would say, yes this is what I do sometimes when you're at work. And then answer all of the defaulted questions. We know what they are. I would tell her it's harmless and I'm not cheating. And of course it would be months or years before she could understand, she might leave or stay, but I would be proud that I didn't give into blackmail. Then later, the blackmailer would fear me, really fear me.

On another note though, I too was oh so very careful though not to ever get caught. I did have a few close calls though.
Again a great thread Meghan

[Beverley Sims]

Kim and Lorileah have the right solutions here, and the police LOVE, spiteful blackmail cases.
Forget you are wearing a dress it is not wrong to do it. :)

[Alice B]

That is a very interesting question and there will be a lot of different answers, as each individual relationship is just that individual. So, I will answer based upon how I would react. First, I would send the person an e-mail stating: "I'm sorry that you feel the way you do, but understand the following. My relationship to my (pick a choice) is strictly my business and none of yours, so keep your opinions to yourself. Since you took pictures you have violated not only my privacy, but the law as you would be considered a peeking tom. If you act further you will be participating in blackmail, which is also a violation of the law. If you act on any of these I promise you that I will take file actions against you with the law. Your choice."

I would then tell my (your choice) about my desires to dress and what had happened.

[Kate Simmons]

I guess at that point it would be time to "man up", "woman up" or whatever it is you do and begin taking responsibility for your own actions. As for myself, there is not too much more anyone can do to me. My theme song is Pat Benatar's "Hit me with your best shot." Works for me.:battingeyelashes::)

[**Sasha**]

I would have to say, some out to your SO.
1) it sucks always having to dress behind her back and always be in fear of her finding out
2) she will appreciate you being honest with her. how would you feel if she was hiding stuff behind your back
3) if you are lucky and she is accepting, you may be able to take it to a new level.

Once it was out in the open, I would take the email and photos to the police! It may be awkward and a little embarrassing, but you will certainly have the last laugh!

[Angela Campbell]

I wouldn't even respond to the e mail. I wouldn't bring it up to anyone. If the person did what they threatened to do I would cross that bridge when I came to it. I would not be able to allow this person to dictate to me anything I must do or not do.

That person would forever wonder if I was around the corner or in the shadows. I wouldn't forget and someday there would be some kind of payback. But then again I am pretty careful who I keep as friends.

[Crissy Kay]

I guess this is the guy in me coming out, but I would really be tempted to beat the hell of of him.

[giuseppina]

That individual would be an ex-friend. I would come out to my SO, as it would likely be past time to do it anyway. I would also fill her in on the details, and ask her not to say anything to anybody about it to see if the ex-friend tries anything.

If the ex-friend does carry through on their threat, I would go to the police and ask them to prosecute to the fullest extent of the law, WITHOUT giving the ex-friend any hint that I am doing so. It would be my SO's decision about what to do with their friendship, but I would like to think she would give the individual his or her walking papers. In my mind, this is a serious breach of trust.

If a male took a picture of a female inside her home from the outside and was stupid enough to send it to her, I'm sure the police would be very interested. Why is this different?

Crissy Kay, I prefer to handle these issues without any hint of wrongdoing on my part, as judges take an extremely dim view of beating up an alleged perpetrator. Punishment is the state's job, not Joe or Jane Citizen's.

[Meghan]

Thank you for all of the interesting replies so far. The idea in my head was more directed toward encountering a situation where you had no choice, for whatever the reason, to either tell or be found out though no direct fault of your own.

I agree the situation I posed would be blackmail, and in this scenario there would be plenty of evidence to prove it. Looking past the blackmail side of it, is there a way to tell you're SO if you have no other choice? And if so, how does it change your dynamic if you're going to be found out anyway?

Again thanks for the interesting thoughts so far!

Meghan

[STACY B]

I would say you better HURRY UP an tell cuz if you don't it is going to rain on your Fire works show ,,, Cuz come this weekend they will see me for them selves cuz that My freind was my Halloween Costume ,,,LOL,,,, Ohhhhhh by the way My nieghber has pictures of you taking pictures of me an has gave them to the Police an they are Looking for YOU !!! PEEPING TOM !!!

[Angela Campbell]

If you drop the blackmail part and just focus on the being outed part things are different. Although all my life I have taken every precaution not to be found out I really would not fret over it. For the most part it is no one elses business so I would still keep to that. Just suppose instead of pics with you dressed it was pics of you naked showing all. Yes embarrassing but what can you do? I still would shrug it off and if pushed on it just take the attitude of "so what". Not something I would do on purpose but if I had no control over it it would not end my world.

[beccaturner]

In that scenario, i would tell her. It's going to get out anyway and it would be a lot worse if she heard it from someone else. Then i would find a very suitable method of revenge for my so called friend. Remember, there is nothing worse than a wronged woman looking for payback.....

[Marlana]

My wife knows that sometimes I dress when she's not around. So I would tell her about the email and explain the particulars. She would be angry at my lack of discretion, and a long talk will ensue. Personally, I would make that face to face visit with the blackmailer and remind them that they are breaking the law and have been reported. As well as adding the fact that nobody is perfect or untouchable. Mess with me or my family and it will end ugly. Oh, by the way, we are no longer friends so don't bother contacting us anymore. You are dead to us.