Wife Found Out, Totally Freaked and Wants Divorce!

[Layla Michelle]

Originally wanted to dress up for Halloween. We've had our marriage issues. I only recently dressed in femme (about two weeks ago) and had my items in a back closet.
Well, she found them, freaked the hell out and with our pastor present demanded she wants a divorce. It was the last straw in our already troubled marriage for her. I do enjoy cross dressing as it turns out but never wanted to lose my wife of 23 years. Trying not to lose it but beginning to feel worthless as a soon to be single 48 year old with cross dressing fantasies. Who am I and where do I go from here?

[sandra-leigh]

Ooooo.... time for marriage counseling if it isn't been tried already.

And not counseling from your pastor either -- not unless perhaps he was busy saying "Dressing really doesn't matter" but got dragged into it by your wife just to act as a witness (e.g. in case you got really angry.)

[prene]

I agree 100%.
Counseling cannot hurt, most u can loose is a little money.
Good luck.

I wish u the best.

[JamieQ]

Pastor? sounds like she was trying to get someone on her side from the beginning. Maybe counceling for y'all? I am in a similar situation yrs in marraige, age but Im ready to get out and move on, but my situtation is far more than just crossdessing though. I need to get through nursing school first..I would never graduate if I made the move now. As for "loss" of money, material things, who gives a crap. I was young once, but no money, no job skills, language deficit, and a general lack of knowledge. I can do it now so I need to.

[ReineD]

I'm sorry you're going through this.

A marriage needs to be strong, to navigate the crossdressing successfully ... providing the husband tells the wife and she doesn't find out on her own. This spells disaster even in a good marriage.

If you do go to marital counseling, I'd focus on all your other, unresolved marital issues and also work on improving communication skills. And if the two of you get on the same page again, then you can begin to address the crossdressing.

[Angela Campbell]

That is so sad. It seems strange to want to end such a long relationship over this but it might just be a panic thing. Don't feel like you are worthless just because of this, you're not. It is a difficult time but sometimes this is what makes us stronger.

[Kate Simmons]

The first thing you need to do is really get to know yourself and your feelings and then decide what you want to do. Only then will YOU hold the reins and no one else.:)

[CharleneT]

.... sorry to be harsh....

"Who am I and where do I go from here? "

strait to a lawyer - unless you believe/know your wife is just acting out due to the shock. As for "who am I", that one's the Q for the therapist.

[Stephenie S]

.... sorry to be harsh....

"Who am I and where do I go from here? "

strait to a lawyer - unless you believe/know your wife is just acting out due to the shock. As for "who am I", that one's the Q for the therapist.

Quoted for truth.

Stephie

[BRANDYJ]

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. My suggestion is to look at all other things in the marriage that are not good. I refuse to believe that a marriage that is good and otherwise happy can end over just crossdressing. The crossdressing in of itself is not the issue. The worst thing about it is the fact that she found this out and now feels very deceived, as most wives would. But still, there has to be other issues going on in my opinion.
I also would suggest asking her, begging her to go see a marriage counselor. I also agree that this person not be a member of the clergy. Sadly, religious beliefs get in then way of common sense, love between a man and a woman, and they can cloud giving sound advice based on their own misguided religious beliefs.
It sounds like you love your wife. I hope she still loves you enough to keep an open mind and learn something about this explainable drive many of us were born with... or developed. Take a good long hard look at yourself and be honest to yourself, about where you have gone wrong and what you can and will do to save this marriage. Sit down and make a list of what bothers you about yourself and what bothers you about your wife. List all the reasons you love this women and then list things about her you are not happy about. Believe me, it will help you decide what is best for not only you, but for your wife too.
I've been where you are at with my now ex-wife. She was very supportive of my crossdressing, so that was not even an issue as to why we separated after 19 years. Think hard. Don't be like me and wonder what you should have, could have done to make each other happy. Divorce is emotionally hard on anyone, even of you want a divorce. The regrets linger long after the marriage ends, even when you have found someone new as I have. So look beyond the crossdressing and figure out all other ways things have gone wrong for the both of you.
I wish you luck and hope things will work out for both you and your wife.

And as I usually do, I agree with ReineD above. Listen to her words of wisdom.

[Maria 60]

I am very sorry to read this. I don't know you and how your relationship was before the cat came out of the bag but if it was worth saving then its worth saving now. You should have a good honest talk with her and see were you stand in the marriage and then move from there. And I suggest the pastor stays in the church were he belongs because I don't think he has much experience in crossdressing and marriage problems. I don't know you but if you have not been worthless all your life how did you become worthless overnight. You must stay focused and think straight and take it one day at a time and if you are both honest with each other you should work it out for better or worst.

[kimdl93]

Take a deep breath and maybe a long walk. Then, start talking with your wife, not just about your CDing , but your entire relationship. Talk about what has worked and what hasn't. If its too difficult to talk calmly, go to a counselor-a professional that can keep the discussion on a constructive level. But also be prepared to accept the possibility that your marriage has ended. It sounds as though there have been other significant issues between you and your wife. Perhaps the best you can do is agree to part on a mutually respectful basis.

[ChelseaErtel]

For your own protection, find a lawyer if she proceeds. Beyond that you are living my fear. My son is out of the house, but I have a 13 year old daughter and don't want to rock to boat right now so I'm risking not telling her yet.

I think it's the honest thing to do, tell her and hope for the best, but I suspect my wife will not be too pleased to say the least. Understandably she will be confused as all those uneducated or unfamiliar with Transgender/CrossDressing issues.

I agree with what has been written on your post - attempt to get to marriage counseling and not with the church. Sounds like she is religious like my wife, which may not help. I'm an atheist which is another issue in my marriage.

If you still love her, seek help, try everything if you really want to stay married to her. Since you just started, perhaps you need to find out why and see if you can explore this with your wife. See if you can get her on this forum for support - knowing that you are not alone is comforting.

Seeking help is a universal reply as is finding more about yourself. But, only you will be able to figure out the best course. It will be rough, but time does heal - but not always completely.

Good luck to you, I feel your pain as I may be going down that road soon too.

[JamieG]

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. You mentioned that this was "the last straw in an already troubled relationship." I suggest you think about whether this is a relationship worth saving. Has she generally been a loving and understanding partner, and have you done the same in return? Has one of you grown distant? Perhaps now is the opportunity to address whatever issues there are in the relationship, especially if they can be addressed by you improving yourself (note, I don't consider giving up crossdressing as an improvement). I think you have the best chance of progress if you try hard to understand where your wife is coming from, and avoid being defensive. Admit that it was wrong not to tell her, try to get her to understand why it was so hard to open up to her (or anyone for that matter), and tell her (assuming its true) how important she is to you.

[beccaturner]

I totally agree with what's been said, especially about keeping all aspects of religion out of it. It will only make a bad situation worse.

[mikiSJ]

Is your newly discovered crossdressing the biggest issue you have with your wife. It may be the most current and putting other marriage killers in the shadows. I think it is time to determine whether you want to spend money on saving a marriage that has 'issues' or money with a counselor finding our who you are.

Miki

[Babeba]

I think it sounds like a great deal of other issues, and the straw that broke the Camel's back.

We do have a religious forum on this board, and since you say 'our pastor' and not 'her pastor' I feel as though this may be something giving you conflicted emotions as well. Please do go to your 'settings' page (permissions) and request to join the religious forum. If you post there, the members who have a bit more knowledge/peace on religion may be able to help a bit.

I feel like this was very poor timing on your wife discovering something you had just started to explore - how long had you had cross dressing fantasies for? Did your wife talk with you right away when she found those items, or wait until she felt calm and rational? What about the other issues in the marriage - do you think those can be worked out with some work?

[Linda St. John]

As Charlene and Chelsea have wisely said : see your lawyer first - it's a small price to pay for some sort of reason in the storm that's brewing .
You need to know who gets what and not panic over money issues.
Linda

[MsRenee]

Sounds like there were some other issues between you two first that may have been putting a strain on your marriage. Like others have said crossdressing cannot be the deal breaker. I would suggest counseling as its from a third party and not your pastor even tho there not suppose to side. Counseling did help my marriage and it may save yours. Its everyone fears of their s/o finding out and I wish you two good luck on this. Grab tissues for you both and sit down and go from there hun.
Renee

[Aloha Jayne]

Going through the same thing as you Layla, also married 23 years. I don't have much else to offer than has already been said, but wanted to give you my support.

[~Joanne~]

I'm sorry you're going through this.

A marriage needs to be strong, to navigate the crossdressing successfully ... providing the husband tells the wife and she doesn't find out on her own. This spells disaster even in a good marriage.

If you do go to marital counseling, I'd focus on all your other, unresolved marital issues and also work on improving communication skills. And if the two of you get on the same page again, then you can begin to address the crossdressing.

This is the most solid piece of advice as always from Reine. It sounds as your problems were already at a breaking point before she found your stash. These should be addressed first and fore most and certainly not around/with/ or by your pastor. but with a professional.

[Tracii G]

Again Reine and Babeba make very good points and are giving sound advice.Both would make a great therapists IMO.
Seek some professional help, religious help in this matter would only cloud the issues.What is needed is a clear discussion of all your marriage problems.
I feel so bad when couples that have to go thru this.
I hope you both can work this out I really do.

[Beverley Sims]

Find an independent marriage counseullor, not someone religious based and concentrate on other issues in your relationship.
Keep crossdressing out of it unless it becomes the primary issue.

[Sallee]

I would say a good marriage counselor who has experience with trans issues and I would also ask around about a good divorce attorney.
Counseling can only go so far so lets prep for the worst and hope for the best. BUt it sounds to me like it is over. Hope not
Good luck

[bridget thronton]

I agree we are lucky to have Reine and Babeba here. So sorry the discovery caused so much angst.

[Lorileah]

as you said it is a "last straw". Honestly, this could have been anything, like leaving the seat up on the toilet. Kind of a Clint Eastwood moment..."Just give me a reason".

I guess counseling is a good idea. I don't see that if there are so many issues that finding your clothes in a closet is a last straw thing. But here is my take.

First "Love don't leave". That has been my mantra for years. Love doesn't choose fights. Love doesn't bring back up (the pastor who you KNOW already has a negative opinion of what you are doing). Love tries to reason and discuss. But love never walks away. Love doesn't demand a divorce although love can accept a divorce when it knows that both parties will be happier. I like that you don't want to give up but stop and consider what this will cost YOU emotionally. It sounds like she wants out. Do you want her to stay and be unhappy?

Second, you are in a no win situation. You need to take the best offer here. If you stop dressing, what are the other issues? Do you sit there and take what she throws? That isn't a marriage. Seems there was something about for better or worse ...yadayada. I don't remember the part where you said "I will be your puppet, I will give up who I am, I will become whatever you want" Works both ways. Turn it around a bit. What if you demand she live with who you are and your dressing? You don't even think in that manner...why should she get the control? This is a partnership not a monarchy. Equal, fair right? If she gets her way totally, how are you going to feel? Is this a "I'd rather be miserable with you than be happy alone" things?

OK go see a counselor, a NEUTRAL counselor. Not the pastor (let him tend the flock and not worry about you). Not someone someone recommends here who is a gender therapist. Not clergy. Someone who does not have a vested interest in you at first. You be fair, she be fair. Level playing field.

Personally I don't see a good end here. But you want to try. Never say you didn't try, but know when you need to quit and be your own best friend. You should not live in misery with someone who doesn't want to be your equal or be with you. Life is short, don't make it shorter

[biggirlsarah]

Firstly I'm sorry to hear of your problems , But I have said this many times , a good marriage should be based on love , trust and most importantly honesty , obviously if you have been married for 23 years and the she has only just found out about your crossdressing then there hasn't been a lot of honesty going on , if you put yourself in her shoes and you found out something this significant about your wife , then you would probably blow a fuse as well , also there being other issues in the background then this is probably a deal breaker so to speak , talking might help , but dont hold your breath , I'm sorry to be pessimistic , but good luck anyway ,

[Joanne f]

I am sorry to hear that you and your wife are going though this ,when a wife finds out about her cross dressing husband it can shake the core of the best of marriages so it is not surprising to hear what has happened , if she is seeking support from her pastor maybe it would be a good idea to find out the pastors view on cross dressing to see what you are up against.

[Eryn]

...and with our pastor present demanded she wants a divorce....

Don't most religions frown upon divorce as a solution to marital problems? Seems kind of odd that your wife would vent that thought in front of a religious leader. It would not seem to be a good way to get the pastor on her side.

Sounds like you need to sort out several issues here. First, who is more important in your wife's worldview, you or the pastor? Second, you've said that this was the last straw, so it seems that the problem isn't the CDing at all. You need to address the real problems. Third, are there children involved? They change the equation considerably.

[Jodi]

As others have said, get yourself a good lawyer right now. You will need it.

Been there and done that.

Jodi

[StephanieJ]

I'm sorry you're going through this.

A marriage needs to be strong, to navigate the crossdressing successfully ... providing the husband tells the wife and she doesn't find out on her own. This spells disaster even in a good marriage.

If you do go to marital counseling, I'd focus on all your other, unresolved marital issues and also work on improving communication skills. And if the two of you get on the same page again, then you can begin to address the crossdressing.

I agree 100% only I would like to add a Christian perspective. I recently went through almost the exact same experience. Our pastor suggested a good therapist who was VERY helpful, but ultimately my wife ultimately dropped out of therapy and we are now divorcing. I would say to focus on therapy first and lawyers second. Without even knowing your situation, I assure you that cross dressing is not the only issue you are facing in your marriage. Focus on being Christ-like toward one another. Pray for your family and give your wife a chance to digest this new information.

I am so sorry for all you are going through. I know how hard the emotions can be and how easy it is to start hating yourself. Don't do it! Cross dressing is not something you chose or some sin you committed. It's no different than being left handed. God loves you and you are not wrong, just different.

[Miriam-J]

I'm sorry to hear that things have reached a head, and especially that your wife has chosen to make it so confrontational. Perhaps things can be remedied via counseling, though I sense from your writing that you're probably well beyond that point.

As others are said, your first step should be to a lawyer, even if you're going to try to patch things up. This is the only way that you can ensure your rights and property are protected. The lawyer will tell you to take a number of steps, many of which might seem unnecessary but are designed to protect you and make a division of assets go more smoothly if necessary.

I was at a similar point in life 4 years ago - 48 years old and getting out of a 22 year marriage. While it seemed that I was at the end of my life as I knew it at the time, it was really the beginning of the most wonderful years of my life. I was incredibly fortunate to meet a wonderful woman with similar values and interests, and who is also very supportive of my crossdressing. Your results may vary, but there are a lot of wonderful women out there, and one of these days you'll be ready to explore the possibilities again.

While divorce can be ugly, it's often quite possible to work things out amicably and reasonably - especially if both parties are intent on doing so and manage the greed of their lawyers (or stick to reasonable lawyers). While often viewed as a problem in and of itself, divorce can be a liberating solution to problems that have dominated your life for years.

Best wishes as you work through this, and please feel free to send a Private Message if you'd like to discuss in more detail.

Miriam

[Stephanie G]

After 23 years of marriage most of which included my cross dressing as a core part of our intimate relations, my former wife decided to leave and we ultimately divorced. I was very shocked because I thought that she had totally accepted my feminine nature but the culture she came from caught up to her head. She referred to me as a "F... faggot."
The breakup was hard but I had a great deal to nurture my soul - accepting children, great dogs, beautiful gardens, my coaching career, yoga, and more.
After two years of learning to feel really good about myself and my feminine
androgynous side, I feel in love with a beautiful lady who is totally accepting of my cross dressing. We had all kinds of things in common (most centrally a love of gardening) and she fell in love with me and because I gave her so much love and peace, she came to love the woman in me.
I did not find this real love of my life until I was 55 so what I am suggesting to you is to feel at peace with yourself including your feminine side, love yourself, and relax. There is love out there for you. Maybe if you get a peace of land it will help you find your center.
One of my favorite sayings ( from Kahil Gibran I think) suggests:
"Solitude is a silent storm that breaks down all your dead branches but it sends your living roots deeper into the heart of the living Earth."
Peace, Stephanie G

[Colleen1989]

Sorry to hear about your circumstances. Since your wife's first move was to involve a third party who is part of your life already, rather than a disinterested counsellor, I fear this will not end well. Run, do not walk, to a good domestic law attorney.

[Susan.]

Sorry to hear this Layla. I am only a couple of hours away. It is hard to crossdress here in Texas and let people know ahead of time.

I told my wife right away. To be sure everything worked out we even waited three years to have kids. It took decades for her to divorce me but it finally came to that this year. Now I think she always loathed me. I never dressed in front of others even for Halloween. I am deep in the closet and always worried she would tell others and she did.

You have been married for 23 years and keep this a secret. I was married much longer, I don't see how your marriage can survive. I hope it does work out well though.

[mirandacdgirl]

sorry to hear about your problems.. I'm 39 never been married..mainly because i enjoy dressing up and couldn't ever fine anyone who accepted it. keep your head up its a part of who you are.. if she cant love you for who you are.. you are n the wrong place. :)

[heatherdress]

Trying not to lose it but beginning to feel worthless as a soon to be single 48 year old with cross dressing fantasies. Who am I and where do I go from here?

Layla - You have received some excellent suggestions. I would simply add that you need to take care of yourself. It seems that you already accept that you will soon be alone - and you feel miserable. I have also been there and can only assure you that it is normal to have intense feelings of sorrow, regret, failure, loss when a marriage ends, especially after 23 years. You do need a therapist - for yourself as well as any final effort to save your marriage. You do need to find a lawyer - a 23 year marriage will most likely involve a lot of legal agreements. You do need friends, sleep, exercise, activities, family. If your marriage is ending, sadness is normal - and it will pass. Be strong. Accept what has already happened, and prepare yourself for your future. You are nor worthless - you are human. Things will get better.

[Lacey New]

I think that any advice I could give has already been said - try a neutral counselor but get a good lawyer if for no other reason but to try to keep her from using your crossdressing as a weapon against you. I have been married for over 20 years myself anf my wife does not know about my crossdressing either. I'm afraid she would react in much the same way. So, believe me, you have my support and best wishes for a good outcome

[linda allen]

Originally wanted to dress up for Halloween. We've had our marriage issues. I only recently dressed in femme (about two weeks ago) and had my items in a back closet.
Well, she found them, freaked the hell out and with our pastor present demanded she wants a divorce. It was the last straw in our already troubled marriage for her. I do enjoy cross dressing as it turns out but never wanted to lose my wife of 23 years. Trying not to lose it but beginning to feel worthless as a soon to be single 48 year old with cross dressing fantasies. Who am I and where do I go from here?

As I understand your post, you never crossdressed until two weeks ago and your wife found your "things". Now she wants a divorce.

There have been a lot of suggestions and I wouldn't disagree with them, but it seems to me that your wife has not been happy with the marriage and is using this one incident to get out of it. I mean if you got rid of your stuff and promised to never dress as a woman again, would everything be fine? I doubt it.

A lot of marriages end in divorce. You are not alone. If you both do not love each other, if it's one sided, your marriage might continue but it won't be pleasant for either of you. Life is too short to live it in an unhappy marriage and you don't get another life.

My advice is to find out if your wife really loves you. If she does, work on what needs to be done to save the marriage. If not, cut your losses and go your seperate ways. Yes, it will be hard to start over at age 48, but how about age 58 or 68?

[NicoleScott]

I do enjoy cross dressing as it turns out but never wanted to lose my wife of 23 years. Trying not to lose it but beginning to feel worthless as a soon to be single 48 year old with cross dressing fantasies. Who am I and where do I go from here?

Marriages can be saved, even with the crossdressing being accommodated. But it's also a sad fact that some wives cannot tolerate a crossdressing husband. I had such a wife. If it turns out that your marriage cannot be saved, there IS life for a single 48-year old crossdresser. And it might surprise you how GOOD that life can be. Hang in there. Life goes on and can be very good. Just different.

[Momarie]

[QUOTE=Stephanie G;2996472]

One of my favorite sayings ( from Kahil Gibran I think) suggests:
"Solitude is a silent storm that breaks down all your dead branches but it sends your living roots deeper into the heart of the living Earth."

That is really beautiful.

[EllieOPKS]

Layla - Curiosity kills me. So what was the pastors opinion/roll for being there? Was he there as a witness to the discussion or was he called there for guidance?

I agree that you should see an attorney. If you have only been cross dressing for a couple of weeks, preparing for Halloween might but a thought to soften the tone.

Just a suggestion and best of luck.

[sherri]

Based on what I'm hearing, I'd say hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

[ReineD]

After 23 years of marriage most of which included my cross dressing as a core part of our intimate relations, my former wife decided to leave and we ultimately divorced. I was very shocked because I thought that she had totally accepted my feminine nature but the culture she came from caught up to her head. She referred to me as a "F... faggot."

Over the 23 years, in the core part of your intimate relations, did things evolve that would have made your wife feel as if you were not into her as a woman? If a wife who embraced this in the bedroom for 23 years eventually gets turned off, it must be because she feels that her sexual needs are no longer being met. If the central part of your current relationship is gardening, it could be that sex is not all that important to your new partner, and the two of you are living more like companions than lovers? Don't mean to be personal, but I wonder if you're comparing apples to oranges.

[Stephanie47]

I would suggest marriage counseling with a qualified counselor, not a pastor. I would also suggest consulting a divorce attorney as to the division of assets in Texas. Be prepared. I know some others above have already stated, what do you expect for keeping a secret for 23 years. Her revulsion really doesn't have anything to do with keeping a secret. It's plain and simple, she does not appreciate cross dressers. It is usually social mores and societal roles she holds that are in conflict with accepting cross dressing. Reine may be right with the aspect you are not fulfilling your duties as a husband. But, Reine may be entirely wrong. Sometimes the revulsion of cross dressing is enough to undo any of the marital vows exchanged at the altar. If your wife is so adamantly opposed to cross dressing, then forget satisfying her in the bedroom. She will have an image of you en femme, even if she never saw you en femme.

Some couples grow old together. Some couples grow apart. Some spouses need an excuse to blame the other rather than just acknowledging the inevitable amicably.

Try the counseling. BUT, do not make any commitments to expunge who you are.