Ex wife.

[Carol P]

Has anyone moved on with their lives after divorce, and still have their ex wife use their CDing against them.Mine uses this to get her own way regarding my daughter.(by threatening to tell everyone I know.This would be my worst nightmare) Has anyone else had this problem?, and if so how did you deal with it

[Kate Simmons]

What they do with that knowledge is up to them. They are the ones who must deal with any resulting karma, not me.:)

[Allsteamedup]

You are looking at the disclosure issue and not what lies behind it.

At sometime in the future you, and the mother of your child and your child will have to face up to what it means to have a cross-dressing partner or father.

What your wife is doing may sound like a threat to you, but she and your daughter have lost their home life and it is obvious that your ex-wife feels that your cding is an issue.

Take the sting out of the situation by confronting the issue.
How comfortable would you feel about telling your daughter?
Is your dressing when she visits likely to arise or be a further area of concern?

If you feel that your ex-wife wants to threaten your standing in the community, there will be an embarrassment (possibly) for all of you to confront. So who would gain from this knowledge being out there?

A threat can only be that as long as you collude. A mediation service would help you have far healthier ways of dealing with how you and your ex-wife wish to proceed as parents.

[Erica2Sweet]

Well, you could always gather everyone together and fill them in on your secret. That would be the one true way to take her power over you away completely.

Secondly, why on earth did you ever get deeply involved with someone who is clearly a very cruel and manipulative person?

[BRANDYJ]

I have never been faced with what you describe. However, I don't feel anyone can give you good advice with so little information; such as your age, your daughter's age, how long have you been divorced, or exactly who and how you think her blabbing might effect those relationships. But in the end, it is her risking her reputation for talking about your personal life and activities for no good reason but to harm you.
I know what I'd do. I'd tell her to go ahead and blab all she wants. Then I'd tell her that I have a very good response to anyone she blabs to. Let's say it's mutual friends or even some family members. If they confronted me with her telling them, I'd laugh it off and give then a good story on how your ex-wife put you up to it a time or two for some kinky bedroom games. I'd not act shocked, mad or put off over it. Everyone has a personal sex life with their wife in the bedroom that includes some games. Anyone with any intelligence would accept that from you. Then they would think less of your ex for blabbing about personal bedroom games then they'd likely feel toward you. I'd also disarm her and tell her to just go ahead and do what she must. That may disarm her and take away her power.

[Erica2Sweet]

...However, I don't feel anyone can give you good advice with so little information; such as your age, your daughter's age, how long have you been divorced, or exactly who and how you think her blabbing might effect those relationships....

I disagree. Destroy the secret and the manipulator no longer holds any power over you. This was an easy one and there is no need to over-complicate it.

[bridget thronton]

Until you can get past the fear of exposure your ex will be able to control you (you are not doing anything illegal or immoral based on what you have written so far)

[Marissa V]

Happened to me. Almost a year ago we split up. And in the meetings between us and the lawyers it was brought up. The fact she was the one that bought me my first corset and so on she left out offcourse. The fact she encouraged my at first when she found out she left out aswell, what you expect huh? The fact she cheated on my for nearly a year she left out ect... And even now she threatens to expose it. Hopefully my girlfriend is the first one she tells it to... i know what reaction she's gonna get haha. Either way, i dont care nemore if she tells anyone. My best friends i told this weekend and none seem to mind thank god. Only one left to tell is my daughter but i haven figured out how or when yet. I wanted to wait a while before i told her but i need to beat my ex to it or she'll get a totaly wrong image of the whole thing. If only i knew how to break it to an 8 yr old....

[kimdl93]

My situation was a little different. My ex was quite supportive of my CDing throughout our marriage. We broke up for other reasons that I won't go into here, but in her anger she took it upon herself to tell my sons, family members, friends and co-workers. I think some of them disregarded her comments as vindictiveness, but others knew there was more to it than that. Oddly enough, I didn't lose any friends and wasn't estranged from my sons or other family members. So, I think it kinda backfired.

Carry yourself with self-respect and dignity, and don't give in to blackmail.

[Laura912]

the suggestions by Brandy and others that you take the offensive and get off the defensive are the best regardless of the circumstances. Perhaps those here with a little more legal expertise can define "blackmail" but I think it includes threats that not only try to elicit money from the victim but actions as well. Blackmail is also a federal offense.

[Jenniferathome]

No, I have not had this problem, but unless your ex has pictures, it is easy to write off her claims as those of an angry ex. What she knows and what she can prove to others may be utterly different. Remember, no one will expect that you are crossdresser so they will be likely to dismiss it as the "angry ex" comment.

[Marleena]

Carry yourself with self-respect and dignity, and don't give in to blackmail.

I agree with Kim. Even if she does tell I'm willing to bet your daughter will still love her dad. As for others, some will believe it some won't and it will all die down quickly.

[cindybabe]

Agree with what Jennifer says, unless she has photos, you can deny everything and i bet your daughter will still always love her father know matter what

[Beverley Sims]

Take the advantage away by coming out, it will be a bumpy ride for a short while.
After that? It can only get better.

[Meghan]

Agree with what Jennifer says, unless she has photos, you can deny everything and i bet your daughter will still always love her father know matter what

Great advice.

My wife often tells me "worry is interest you pay on a debt you don't owe". Your ex is trying to manipulate you because she feels she has something (knowledge about you) that you think is valuable because she can disclose it. Game theory suggests you can remove the power of the threat if you either disclose the secret yourself or let her know that you don't care who she tells. In either case she loses her perceived advantage.

Moreover, being a divorced parent myself, my first priority was keeping the kids safe and as stable as possible. This information about you could be very harmful to your child, especially if your ex chooses to present this as a "wrong" thing thereby damaging your standing as a parent to him/her. Discrediting the other parent is clearly not in the best interest of the child. So your ex isn't just doing this to you, she is potentially affecting the well being of your child as well.

Finally, if she does tell the world, you could still minimize the perception by saying something like "we played dress up one Halloween, and now she's trying to make it into some huge thing".

You have no reason to get involved at all in the discussion, let her be the crazy scornful ex. Every time you stay above or out of the fray, you'll be the responsible one! People will see that over time. Most importantly, continually reassure your kiddo that divorces are hard, adults do some mean things some times out of sadness or fear, but you'll always be dad no matter what someone else says.

Actions mean something. Words are just words.

Meghan

[Thera Home]

Hi Carol

Could it be a ploy I wonder............................:thinking:

Hmmm

Thera

[Joan21]

Mine told everyone during the divorce even the court . Told every if they had a problem come c me nothing a few fights couldn't handle. I finally said o well who cares. U find your true family an friends during all that .

[Stephanie47]

What does she try to extract from you with regard to your daughter? The only things I can think of is trying to restrict visitation rights and extract more child support. At some point in time your daughter will realize you are the same person. A dress cannot change the basic character of a man. At least with regards to your daughter, I suspect if your ex-wife does try to injure the relationship, the bad karma will come back on her.

If she outs you to friends and relatives and co workers, then you will have to deal with it. On the plus side of being outed, she loses her weapon. What leverage will she have once there is disclosure?


Has anyone moved on with their lives after divorce, and still have their ex wife use their CDing against them.Mine uses this to get her own way regarding my daughter.(by threatening to tell everyone I know.This would be my worst nightmare) Has anyone else had this problem?, and if so how did you deal with it

During an argument that had nothing to do with cross dressing my wife threatened to tell everyone of my cross dressing. It was actually her fear of losing me that she made the threat. Strange? Threatening to tell everyone to stay married to a cross dresser! Her fear of being alone in old age is worse than living with a closeted cross dresser. Go figure! Later, she told me she would never out me. I don't believe her. But, at my age, what would happen? My kids are in their thirties and I'm retired. There is no leverage now.

Anyway, I digressed. Just remember. Don't fret about the things you cannot control. Either she will out you or she will not. Worrying about it will only cause great angst.

[StephanieJ]

I worried about the same thing with my ex, but found that she was just as embarrassed about the whole cross dressing thing as I was. The few people she did tell actually called me up to offer their support and let me know that it in no way affected our friendship.

I agree with Kim.

Carry yourself with self-respect and dignity, and don't give in to blackmail.

[Tracii G]

Its sad that she is willing to put your daughter right in the middle and use it against you that isn't being a good parent.
Let her know that she is the one that is being the bad parent not you.
That is one weapon you have against her.
I would go on with my life and show her she has no power over you.Always be the responsible one and don't sling mud.That will speak volumes about you and make her look vindictive to others.

[Chickhe]

Talk to David Letterman. He'll tell you to talk to a lawyer about blackmail. Should be pretty easy to record it if she uses it often. Anyhow, what I would do the next time she mentions it, respond with ...'I don't care if you tell anyone because I'll just explain to them how it was your idea when you wanted to do S&M in the bedroom...' make it sound real enough to her and I gaurantee she will think twice. If she says, you wouldn't, you say, 'I even have some of your old leather toys to show them...'....

[Megan Thomas]

My ex was a bit like that. In the end she never carried through any idle threats made in the heat of a moment, at least not that I'm aware of. I went public of my own accord eventually and her reaction then was to deny any knowledge of my activities, presumably through a fear of personal embarrassment to herself if she was seen to have known and accepted it (as she had).

Ultimately I think most people tend to see blackmail/disclosure of that ilk in a far worse light than cross-dressing and it often gains more sympathy and understanding for the victim than might otherwise be the case.

[Eryn]

Blackmail is a weapon that can only be fired once, and then it becomes impotent. You don't even have to come out to the people she might tell. If she does tell anyone and they question you on it all you have to say is "So that's what she's saying now, huh?" and leave it at that. There's no need to dignify her accusation with a denial.

[shycheri]

My ex definitely told everyone that she could get to listen for sure !!tough times.

[Tracii G]

Blackmail is a weapon that can only be fired once, and then it becomes impotent. You don't even have to come out to the people she might tell. If she does tell anyone and they question you on it all you have to say is "So that's what she's saying now, huh?" and leave it at that. There's no need to dignify her accusation with a denial.

You could say that doesn't surprise me poor girl has problems, so what else did she say?

[Carol P]

Thank you to everyone for your advice. This is all new to me and I now realise that I should have given more details. My ex and I have been apart for ten years,my daughter has finished school. My ex sent me a text last year when I asked for half the money for my daughters passport which she needed to take my daughter on holiday.In the text she said that I was blackmailing her! and if that was the game, to bring it on as she had something to blackmail me with.This was the most recent event that had taken place. She likes to give me little reminders every so often. She does not know that my wife knows about my dressing.

[KristyPa]

Don't ever let her or anyone see you sweat. I'd laugh it off and say it never happened.
Most ex's are hateful and mean spirited. I never fell into my ex's trap. Her and her family couldn't deal with it when they new they weren't upsetting me.

[Paula_56]

Talk to your lawyer about getting your secret out, it will be the best thing for everyone. Just protect your rights

[linda allen]

....... My ex sent me a text last year when I asked for half the money for my daughters passport which she needed to take my daughter on holiday.In the text she said that I was blackmailing her! and if that was the game, to bring it on as she had something to blackmail me with.........

That's confusing to me. I need a better explanation.

I found that the less I communicated with my ex wife, the smoother things went. She has a new life that I don't care about and I have a new life that she doesn't care about. I wouldn't ask her for money for anything.

[kimdl93]

That's confusing to me. I need a better explanation.

I found that the less I communicated with my ex wife, the smoother things went. She has a new life that I don't care about and I have a new life that she doesn't care about. I wouldn't ask her for money for anything.

Ain't that the truth. I learned to keep a very healthy distance between myself and my ex. 1400miles is about right.

[Angela Campbell]

This is precisley why I have never told any of my spouses. My first wife was willing, during the divorce period, to do anything she could to hurt me even if it meant hurting our three kids. She was a truly awful person. Play the high road and if she tells anyone just say she is being scornful and do not either deny or admit to it. Make her the bad guy.

[Tara D. Rose]

That's confusing to me. I need a better explanation.

I found that the less I communicated with my ex wife, the smoother things went. She has a new life that I don't care about and I have a new life that she doesn't care about. I wouldn't ask her for money for anything.

That is so true Linda, the less you talk to them the smoother it will go. Many years ago I used to think that when you got divorced, that it was the end, but when children are involved, you find your self at the foot of a mountain that doesn't go away with the drop of a gavel. Now you have of a whole different beginning of troubles. She wanted you gone, and so now you are gone from her life. Let her live in what she chose. Turn from her like she turned from you.
On your update, your daughter is grown now, so grown, never speak to the ex wife ever again. You are the one in control now. 10 years and she still tries to control you with cross dressing. Let her be, never answer her calls or emails. Be done with her. Your life will slowly start becoming better. Turn from her forever. If she calls, don't answer, if she knocks on your door,don't answer. Forget her. Forget her.

[Angela Campbell]

That is so true Linda, the less you talk to them the smoother it will go. Many years ago I used to think that when you got divorced, that it was the end, but when children are involved, you find your self at the foot of a mountain that doesn't go away with the drop of a gavel. Now you have of a whole different beginning of troubles. She wanted you gone, and so now you are gone from her life. Let her live in what she chose. Turn from her like she turned from you.
On your update, your daughter is grown now, so grown, never speak to the ex wife ever again. You are the one in control now. 10 years and she still tries to control you with cross dressing. Let her be, never answer her calls or emails. Be done with her. Your life will slowly start becoming better. Turn from her forever. If she calls, don't answer, if she knocks on your door,don't answer. Forget her. Forget her.

That is exactly what I did. No contact whatsoever. For me it started with a court restraining order I requested to deny her access to me for any reason at all. In the last 10 years I refuse to speak, correspond or be in the same room as her. I even moved to a different state.

[Marissa V]

That is exactly what I did. No contact whatsoever. For me it started with a court restraining order I requested to deny her access to me for any reason at all. In the last 10 years I refuse to speak, correspond or be in the same room as her. I even moved to a different state.

Thats option 1... I took option 2 just now. I started telling my friends, beat my ex to it so to speak. All thats left now is tell my daughter. Thankfully none of my friends acted weird. No more sword of damocles above my head. Quite a relief too. I think those are a bit the options you have, either ignore or come clean (read: come out). Everything in between is bad for the nerves (in my case at least). I used to get VERY angry (as some may have noticed in this tread, sorry again about my language in prev post) just thinking about what my ex had on me in terms of my crossdressing, now i simply dont care anymore. As a friend of mine said 2 days ago....just look at this as a friends-filter, those that laugh at you aint worth the effort. Bit crude but essentially true.

[Annette Todd]

I would suggest that you take control of the issue and take the bite out of her threat. I know it isn't always as simple as ignoring your ex.

Ask yourself what the ramifications are if she does tell everyone. Consider the possibility that this could be a liberation for you.

Your freinds: If the revelation that you cross dress becomes an issue with friends, they aren't true friends anyway. The clothes you wear don't define you as a person and the person they know. Freinds should be those you can trust. If you find they can't be trusted with personal aspects of your life, then they should be kept at an arms length.

Your daughter: Have a sit down with her and share those intimate details with her and talk it out. It sounds as though she lives with you, not her mother? Your daughter is old enough to weigh the news and she won't reject you and her love for you won't be the devestating event you fear. If you help her to understand that aspect of your life it will, most likely bring you closer together.

Co-workers: Who really cares? You don't flaunt that aspect of your life or they would already know. Besides, what does it really matter what you do when you aren't at work as long as it is not illegal. Most of them won't really care. SOme will be supportive/accepting and others may be repulsed. But those you work with do not define your life and if you give them that power over you, you relinquish control of your life to them. Besides any negative fallout from the news that you like to wear feminine clothes when you aren't at work would represent discrimination. besides you may even find that being "out" allows you to be more yourself and not have to lead a double life hiding in the closet.

I don't really care what others think of me. It is those closest to me who matter. Those I love and trust would be the only ones I felt deserved an explanation. You don't have to justify your life to anyone or allow them to define your life. Don't get me wrong. I know that being out will be uncomfortable at times. But, in the long term, that liberation allows you to control your life and you will be much more secure with who you are.

Being out is one of the things we fear the most. Worrying about what others will think is what keeps us in the closet. But really think about it. Why should it matter what anyone thinks about us? Do they determine the course of our existence? No! Those closest to you are the ones who will matter and you may owe them some explanation, but if you have their respect they won't reject you.

All the best

Annette

[gabe]

I am not qualified to provide advice to you, but I know what I would do in such situation. There are much worse affliction than CD. You have to remember CD is not a crime (at least not in civilized society). She is using CD to blackmail you, that is much worse than CD, it is outright despicable. Personally, I would own up to my CD, it will take away the only weapon she has on you. You will feel free forever, nobody can hold CD over you. The truth will set you free.