They say all good things must come to an end

[TGMarla]

And such, it would seem, is the case for me. For years, I have benefitted by my wife's work schedule. At first she often worked until 10:00 at night. When that was cut back to 8:00, I still had plenty of time alone in which to indulge my feminine pursuits when I had the desire to do so, which was quite often. She also has worked on Saturdays for such a long time, I really don't remember ever not having them to myself.

I'd use Satudays to my full advantage, since I had the whole day. It was on Saturdays that I'd dress fully, do my makeup to the fullest, and take pictures of myself in my latest aquisitions. Saturdays have been my femme days, and I've coveted them. But this is now all going to change. I'd thought for years about what it was going to be like when we both retired, and my wife and I would be home together most of the time. I'd wondered what would become of my crossdressing, and whether not being able to dress would begin to wear upon me. Well, I'm going to find out sooner than I'd expected.

My wife's employer has been on this big push to get their employees to work from home. And come late November, my wife will begin working full time from our home. She will be here every day, all day, and will likely not be away from the house except for when she has a day off, and decides go get out and do something. My opportunities to dress will be minimal, and will likely dry up to nearly nothing. My vast wardrobe will just sit there, unused, and I'll be longing for any chance to slip into a pretty dress, even if for a very short time, should the occasion present itself.

The ability to do this has been an ever-present part of me for many years now. I honestly don't know how I'm going to handle it. I've said for a very long time that crossdressing is a very selfish habit, and this change in my circumstances magnifies that opinion. On the one hand, I very much want my wife to be happier in her work situation. Her job as a customer service representative for a major health care network is gruelling and often thankless. I'd last about a week, if that, doing her job. Her ability to work from home will allow her to save wear and tear on her car, save hundreds of dollars a year on gasoline and car repairs, keep her from worrying about icy roads in the Winter and any inclement weather at other times, and eat her dinner at a reasonable hour as well. There are a lot of positives for her in all of this. I care about her mental well-being, and I see what her job does to her.

There are also many negatives. Her employer is taking advantage of their employees in a most egregious way, in my opinion. They demand a workspace in the home, but they do not pay for it. They make the employee buy a desk, and they don't pay for it. They're going to use my internet, and they won't be paying for that either. It is a company sponsored intrusion into the home with no added benefit to the people who live there, save the added convenience to the employee. And it's all so they, the company, can save money now spent on a workspace for their own employees.

But worst of all for me, the selfish crossdresser, who likes to "do it up to the nines" when I dress, I will quite simply not be able to enjoy this most integral and intimate part of my life all that often, if at all, any more. Please spare me the "you should have worked this out with her years ago" responses. One can talk with one's wife until one is blue in the face about issues like crossdressing, and still not get her to change her opinions regarding the issue. While she is tolerant of such behavior in others, understanding transgenderism to some degree, she doesn't want to deal with it in her own husband. I never disclosed it to her prior to our marriage, and she has her rights when it comes to what she wants in a husband. She doesn't want a woman. I understand that.

So I'm grumpily unhappy about what the near future has in store for me. No more femme time. No more dresses, no more high heels. No long, pretty hair, no lipstick. No nylons or lacy slips. It will be like quitting a drug after years of pleasant addiction. And the desire to dress will likely never go away. And it will sometimes gnaw at me like a junkyard dog with a new bone full of meat.

I have another month, maybe five weeks, at the most. Then it all goes away, maybe for good.

:cry:

[Kerstin]

Aw man :sad: Is there absolutely no possibility of working out some sort of compromise arrangement regarding your dressing, maybe designating one weekend a month or finding somewhere you can go to dress up?

[Kate Simmons]

You can also get to look at it from the other perspective Hon. Spending more time with your wife as her Hubby will no doubt bring the two of you closer and you will get to know one another better. You can be with someone all of your life and still learn something new about them every day. I would "kill" to be in your upcoming situation but that is just me. I do hope everything works out for you with the change.:)

[linda allen]

And such, it would seem, is the case for me. For years, I have benefitted by my wife's work schedule....

I don't know if you're asking for advice or for pity. Does your wife know that you crossdress while she is away? Have you talked to her about your desire to crossdress? Or are you keeping it a secret because of comments she has made in the past?

You have three choices here:

1) Quit dressing and get rid of your stuff. Just like quitting smoking or alcohol, you can do this if you want to.

2) Talk to her about your desire to dress as a woman. Start slow, perhaps just underdressing, then work up to a blouse, then breast forms, wig, etc. She may go for it, she may not. You won't know unless you ask her. It's all in how you bring it up.

3) Leave her, get an appartment, and do what you wish.

[Alice Torn]

Marla, Wow! That will be a change! Everything in this physical world is temporary, for sure. Crossdressing is a luxury for many. Unfortunately, this life is full of pain, and deprivations, and death, life and death. I would hate to not be able to put on those things you mentioned, and just have them in storage. i did that for a while, several months. A loving wife is very hard to find, as i am 58, still hoping forne, as a single. My dressing kind of replaces a wife i never had. I have heard it takes three weeks of abstinance, to stop a habit or addiction. I partly disagree with that, though. Crossdressing is a pull, that may or may not go away, probably not much, but, humans are very adapable. Men in prison, or military , have to quit dressing! I would think a serious illness or injury, would cause one to stop. For a loyal, loving wife, it is worth trying to stop, and relpace it somewhat with other hobbies, but, the thoughts, and pulls will likely not totally go away. I wis we could just flip a switch, and end the desire. I have mental emotional illness, and wish i could flip a switch and end it. Maybe you can dress up, when she does take a day off to go somewhere. Like you, i almost always dress "to the nines". I wonder where "dress to the nines" came from?!

[kimdl93]

Working from home is a great alternative to the conventional office...granted, you provide a desk and internet - most likely you would have both anyway, right? Now you may be able to write off the internet as an unreimbursed expense.

I understand why you're grumpy about the change as it impacts your life. I recently accepted an interim position that will oblige me to spend alternate weeks in male mode. It's a short term inconvenience, but I still mildly resent the change in my daily routine.

At least you can be happy for your wife. And maybe, just maybe, you could begin a long series of conversations with her about your desire to dress. A compromise isn't beyond the realm of possibility. Best of luck.

[Momarie]

Well, at least you'll have a bunch of tax deductions.
Save those receipts!

[Beverley Sims]

The selfish crossdresser syndrome will pass and another opportunity will open up.
Usually to your advantage.

[TxKimberly]

Awe, I wish I had advice for you on this one! This is one really good perk of my having a job that keeps me on the road.

[Laura Evans]

Oh! Marla, I feel for you. This is going to be very difficult. Those are shoes I would not want to walk in. I would hope that some kind of compromise could be worked out but from your comments it does bode well. We are here for you.

[suzy1]

You are not selfish Maria! This is a need, a part of you as it is for many others here.
I think you are facing a serious problem as it would only be human to start to resent the intrusion into this part of your life after so much time.

It’s not about your love for your wife or her love for you, it’s the sudden change to a life style you have enjoyed but more importantly needed for many years.

She is bound to notice the change in you as you get stressed out and the only way I can think of to help the situation is to tell her.

If you don’t tell her the pressure on you will rob you of your happiness and put a strain on your marriage and yet telling her could harm the marriage also.

A difficult situation with no easy answers.

[Leslie Langford]

Marla, I feel your pain, and understand completely where you are coming from...

I am now semi-retired and do some consulting out of my home - but that was not my first choice and only happened because my former employer decided to pull the plug on me a month after my 60th birthday four years ago in the midst of the "Great He-cession" and global financial meltdown that hit all of us in mid-2008. I've never been able to fully bounce fully back from that event, and the only saving grace was that it not only gave me plenty of "Leslie" time - it also gave me the opportunity to connect with the ladies on this forum and to finally and truly accept myself as an "incorrigible" ;) crossdresser. More to the point, it made me realize that not only was I fundamentally transgendered, there was also absolutely no shame in that either. And as you know from my DADT posts, the "Final Frontier" to this struggle is to finally get my wife fully on board with that as well...

Not only am I facing the same challenge as you when my wife retires next year - I had a foretaste of that when my daughter and grandson moved back in with us temporarily last year when she separated from her husband and needed some time to get back on her feet. That put a severe crimp in my crossdressing activities at the time, but I put up with that inconvenience willingly as I am a parent, and that is just what you do for your kids when they need you, no matter what age they are....

My solution to the impending "crunch" when my wife retires next year is to now no longer try to hide my crossdressing activities such as going out occasionally "en femme", talking openly about the fact that I am transgendered whenever to opportunity arises, and in general, acting as if that is just as normal a part of me as any other "guy" activity that I engage in. When she buys something new for herself, I not only make a point of noticing it but also commenting on it as a GG would. I have started to watch the daytime women's shows that she DVRs for nighttime viewing and often discuss the women's issues they talk about there with her to demonstrate both my understanding and empathy for them. And in 1,001 other similar and subtle ways, I have begun to relate to her the way that a girlfriend would while still being the man in the relationship in all other aspects. I am doing this slowly, deliberately, and in a non-threatening way, and she is gradually starting to respond to this in a positive manner.

But most importantly - we have begun communicating openly and honestly over the last several months in a way that we haven't done for much of our marriage. That, and by exposing to each other deeply repressed insecurities, fears, and aspirations that we had both held under wraps for so many years because we are both fundamentally proud, independent and strong-willed people who hold ourselves to sometimes unreasonably high standards of behavior and were always concerned about "saving face". And putting my crossdressing/transgenderism squarely on the table has become a large part of this healing process and of us drawing closer together.

Don't get me wrong, Marla - my wife is still fundamentally dedicated to DADT and still doesn't want to meet "Leslie" or see pictures of her. But she is no longer adamantly opposed to her existence either, recognizes that she is an integral part of my being, and is giving her a free rein to be herself in all other aspects, which has been a huge development in our relationship. I don't know if we will ever get to the point next year when my wife retires where I will be able to dress as openly as "Leslie" as I do now, but I do think that we will at least be able to come to some type of agreement where I will get the occasional "no strings attached" "Leslie" time when she will be out of the house with full knowledge of what I am doing, but also with no negative consequences arising out of that. But time will tell...

But as for you, Marla, you have absolutely no reason to feel guilty for your crossdressing needs and how you have addressed them in the past. And while some may argue that you have gone slightly overboard here and become a bit self-indulgent as a result of the opportunities that have presented themselves to you with your wife's past frequent absences - the principle remains the same. You are who you are, you have no control over that, and to force you to completely deny this part of you in future will surely lead to mental health issues down the road (i.e. depression). Your wife - like mine - needs to understand this, and that despite all of her resistance to your crossdressing this is not negotiable - only the degree to which you indulge in this activity is.

To think otherwise, stay in denial, and to try to prevail over you with this attitude despite all evidence to the contrary would be sheer folly on her part if she harbors any hope of preserving her marriage - and especially on her terms. Doing otherwise would simply invite the proverbial irresistible force to meet the immovable object in due course, and we can all pretty much guess what the outcome of that will be...and there will be no winners here.

[Lorileah]

Sounds like for the most part you are happy in the marriage. And maybe she will see that allowing you some "me" time to dress is a good thing for both of you?


I am not an accountant but here is what I understand about working from home. 1) if the space is dedicated to doing the job, it is a deductible expense (i e you can take x amount off what you pay for mortgage as work related) bu it has to be used for work solely. In other words you can't deduct a room that is used for other things (but maybe you can deduct a percentage on how much time? I don't know) 2) the office equipment when used for the business would be a business expense and depreciated over time. So, thus, the desk would eventually be repaid as an expense. Technically if you use anything for anything besides the business it has to be shown how much and then you can take a percentage. (that said I know many people who take cars off and rarely use them for business...which if they get caught will be really bad for them)

If it were me I would seriously think about trying to work a deal with your wife and have her work a deal of compensation (more money) with her company

[Foxglove]

I don't know if you're asking for advice or for pity.

Do we have to be mean to Marla? She's one of us, and a very nice one of us, too. Whether she's asking for it not, she's got my sympathy. Now I wonder if I can help her out?


1) Quit dressing and get rid of your stuff. Just like quitting smoking or alcohol, you can do this if you want to.

Quitting dressing is not like quitting smoking or alcohol. Tobacco and alcohol are not a part of your intrinsic makeup. TGism is.

And Marla, I understand what you mean about "selfishness". I'm kind of in the reverse position from you. Up until recently my son was living downstairs from me, which meant he was free to walk into my place any time he wanted to, we had dinner together just about every day, etc. I wasn't out to him, and his presence was a serious hindrance to my dressing. I was considering coming out to him, and on certain days telling him, "Today is my day," and locking the door. Does that sound "selfish"? I love my son dearly, and I was glad to see him every day, but I need to be me. It's the bad thing about TGism. Sometimes it's hard to have both. And giving up dressing is giving up what you are--not like giving up cigarettes or booze.

In the end my son got a job and moved away. He was happy. He needed a job, and he didn't like this house or town. And it meant I was free to dress as much as I liked. So I'm happy in that respect. But he's gone now. Wouldn't it be great if I could be myself around him? TGism is a problem, isn't it?

Your problem is more difficult. I get the impression that your wife doesn't even want to be in the house with you when you're dressed. Does she even know you dress? One solution perhaps--if she can accept it--is for you to partition the house on days you want to dress. You stay in one part, she stays in another. That way she wouldn't have to see you. But that's awkward, and the layout of your house might not permit it.

Another option--depending on how much money you have. Find an apartment to rent somewhere. It wouldn't matter how small, it wouldn't matter how much of a dump it is. It could even be like mine. But it would be your space to dress when you want to. Or on occasion, find a cheap hotel room.

Unless you can reach some kind of understanding with her. It sounds to me like you're in a very tough spot because you're used to dressing often, and it's extremely important to you.

And you're not being selfish. You're being TG. When women can stop being women and men can stop being men, then we transpeople can reasonably be expected to stop being trans.

Best wishes, Annabelle

[Wildaboutheels]

"They" are wrong. But ALL things will eventually change both good and bad. The deal would have been the same had your wife retired wouldn't it?

Clearly you have been "spoiled" just by way of "good luck" that your wife was away so much. For sure, you and your wife are going to have to talk and reach some sort of compromise. May turn out she does NOT LIKE working from home. Many folks only tend to get out of the house FOR their job and simply can't handle being stuck at home to "work". Could be, that in time, if you are patient enough, your wife might learn to accept it a little better but also keep in mind that this may be very stressful for her also, especially in the beginning.

It will be interesting to see how it works out, no doubt about it.

[Babeba]

It sounds like she knows you dress - which is good- but wants no part of it and no knowledge. That's a bit tricky. I think you have to respect her wishes, but I also think she needs to respect that you will need time to do your own thing once in a while. If she doesn't want to acknowledge the reason why, that's fine - but it doesn't remove the need for you to have a bit of time.

Being around someone 24/7 must be really tricky. I know there are a few people who divorce when they retire because they realize they can't stand that much time together. There are others who realize at that point they can't afford divorce so they find other things to fill their time out of the house in similar amounts so they don't have to deal with that stress of always being together. I think that even without the dressing, having your wife work from home would put a change in your relationship in some way.

Is there any way you can have a discussion with your wife about how you need to have some solo time, without bringing up the dressing aspect? I think the other tricky thing is, with you dressing while she works your dressing doesn't take time away from your relationship whereas now it may do so. I think you may have to change your expectations of how long you can spend dressed at a single time, or even where you decide to do it. Is there a 'safe house' or transformation business of sorts nearby to where you live? Is there anywhere you can go to have a day dressed while your wife works, and then come home after?

[TGMarla]

Well, I appreciate all the responses. It's a pickle, to be sure, and one that I don't yet know how I'll deal with.

She's seen shows that involve transexual women, and has shown a great deal of empathy with them - almost an understanding. Yet only yesterday she saw an ad for that drag race show, with the overtly crossdressed drag queens, and had a very negative reaction to them. She said she had no understanding of their motives here, and said she thought it was totally wierd. So while we don't (yet) discuss my propensity to crossdress, she still seems completely against the idea. And as near as I can read her, she hasn't yet put two and two together and figured out that part of my aversion to this "work from home" change is that she will be putting a severe, if not complete, cramp in my opportunities to crossdress and enjoy my femme time.

Kate - believe me, there is a big part of me that feels the very same way as you describe. But just becasue she'll be home does not mean I'll be able to spend more time with her. She'll be working, and will be remotely monitored on her work at all times. Such is the nature of call center jobs. They are completely stat driven, and she'll be cloistered in a spare room for the entiretly of her working hours, except when she steps out to eat or use the bathroom.

Linda, we can rule out numbers one and three. That leaves number two, and we're still a long way from that. But life is all about challenges, and this is my next big challenge.

Alice, I already have lots of other hobbies. None of them are a suitable replacement for this part of my life.

Leslie, as always, your input is very valuable to me.

Annabelle, thank you for your empathy.

Wild - Yes, I've been spoiled. That fact has never been lost on me.

And Babs, yes, I've thought about that whole 24/7 thing as well. They say familiarity breeds contempt, and they also say absence makes the heart grow fonder. I'll be working hard to NOT allow any resentment into my sould over all of this. But I guarantee you that resentment will try to worm its way in.

For all of you that suggest that this whole conversation finally be put on the table, you may be right. But it's simply not as easy to do as it is to say it should be done. I've only ever been crossdressed in front of her one time, and that was for Halloween, and was done at her suggestion. When it was finally disclosed that this was something I liked to do anyway, she hit the wall. We nearly divorced. The fervor to divorce subsided, however, and we settled into this "don't ask - don't tell" situation that has worked well for us for almost 14 years now. Frankly, I don't know how she'd react now. I know I'd feel extremely uncomfortable being dressed around her. It's very unlikely she'd want that anyway. And even if she were to seemingly embrace it all (won't happen), I'd always have my doubts as to her true feelings on this. And what would I be asking for? Time to dress while locked in an upstairs bedroom, posing in front of a mirror while she stewed about it downstairs? That's not an option. I'm sure I could steal an hour or so every now and then when she went to visit her sisters or her brother on an off-day. But I don't see any opportunities to fully dress, with all my makeup and accessories, for any prolonged period of time, if even for a few hours.

In short, even having this conversation has the greater odds of not ending well. So I'm loath to even bring it up.

Time will tell, but I'm not looking forward to this next chapter one bit.

[kimdl93]

Best of luck, Marla. Its not an easy situation by any stretch of the imagination.

[Erica2Sweet]

...But worst of all for me, the selfish crossdresser, who likes to "do it up to the nines" when I dress, I will quite simply not be able to enjoy this most integral and intimate part of my life all that often, if at all, any more...

If I understand this correctly, your crossdressing is the most integral and intimate part of your life, as opposed to time spent with your wife. If it were me who just typed that on a computer screen, I'd take a long, close look under the hood to see what went wrong and when.

I cannot even comment regarding most of what my wife said when I showed her this moments ago...

[TGMarla]

You're reading way too much into one line of type, Erica. And I'm sorry I've offended your wife.

In this case, "most" means "very".

Sheesh!

[bridgetta]

I just think life is unfair. Its so random. We crossdressers need a political movement of our own. Pride. We need to be understood as people. Not inconveniences

[Erica2Sweet]

...And you're not being selfish. You're being TG...

...and on this note I completely disagree. This was BY FAR one of the most selfish attempts at gaining sympathy that I have ever seen on this site, and I offered absolutely no advise because, quite frankly, none is deserved.

[Stephanie47]

I'm in a DADT with my wife. I am retired. She still works. During the summers she is home. I know after Labor Day Stephanie will be able to come out and play again. The knowledge I will be able to explore Stephanie after the summer keeps me on a even keel. My wife says she will work at least part time (full days) until age 70. I always think, "What will life be like when she does retired?"

I suspect your wife knows you cross dress in her absence. She probably is weighing the consequences of working at home. My wife knows I cross dress, but, never says anything about it. Once in a while she find an article of clothing I failed to put away. She tells me where she put it, but, does not say more.

I think a time will come when you and your wife will have to address the consequences of her new work schedule. If the last 'blow up' was fourteen years ago, she should have had a lot of time to assess the marital situation. Are you any different fourteen years later than the time before she became aware of Marla.

I do not view my desire to cross dress as a hobby. If I did not have the opportunity to use cross dressing as a stress reliever, I suspect the customary issues of a marriage would be accentuated to a level they do not merit.

I suspect sooner or later you and your wife will have to come to a mutual negotiated agreement.

[sherri]

There is another option, one that many of us have to settle for, which is the occasional, even regular, femme outing. The fact that your wife doesn't want to be exposed to Marla shouldn't mean that Marla must cease to exist.

[TGMarla]

Erica, you're awfully self-righteous, aren't you? I could not care less about your sympathy or anyone else's for that matter. This coming event in my home situation will constitute a huge change in my lifestyle and my entire situation. This is a support site, where many of us come to discuss things that pertain to our unique activities. This situation is one that I've not ever had to deal with before, so maybe - just maybe - some outside suggestions, ie. support, might be in order. I'll thank you to not bother corresponding with me or "contributing" to my threads anymore if you don't have some kind of positive input to offer. Who are you to determine what is "deserved"? As for you not offering any advice, based on your demeanor so far, I'll look upon that as a very good thing. Feel free to not chime in anymore. I'll not miss your responses.

[Frédérique]

My opportunities to dress will be minimal, and will likely dry up to nearly nothing. My vast wardrobe will just sit there, unused, and I'll be longing for any chance to slip into a pretty dress, even if for a very short time, should the occasion present itself.

SAD!!! I feel for you, my dear... :sad:

It’s like the foundation has shifted, the mountains are crumbling, the oceans are drying up, and we are hurtling, en masse, towards a VERY black hole. TGMarla won’t be able to dress? Say it ain’t so...
:eek:

Once upon a time, my art teacher told me that if you really want to do something, you’ll find the time (and, I assume, the place) to do it. I hope you can deal with this new, unwanted situation with your characteristic grace and aplomb, and find a way to carry on with your crossdressing “career.” My father used to tell me that difficult things take time, but impossible things just take a little longer – love WILL find a way, as the song goes...

A big hug for you, Marla: :bighug:

[Foxglove]

And you're not being selfish. You're being TG.


...and on this note I completely disagree. This was BY FAR one of the most selfish attempts at gaining sympathy that I have ever seen on this site, and I offered absolutely no advise because, quite frankly, none is deserved.

Erica, what's going on? You're free to disagree. That's fine. But you're really coming on strong here. Why is this?

A selfish attempt at gaining sympathy? Well, that's the way you read it. I certainly didn't read at that way. And anyway, is sympathy so out of place on a forum like this?

You know, my dad was always the athletic type--basketball, softball, golf. Even after he got too old to play basketball and softball, he continued with golf. He's been a devoted (fanatical) golfer all his life. The last time I talked to him he told me that at the grand old age of 84, it appears that at long last he's going to have to give it up. He just hasn't got in him anymore. And I sympathized with him--because I know how much it's always meant to him.

Was that wrong? And if it wasn't, if it's OK to sympathize with someone who's going to have to give up golf, is it wrong to sympathize with a transperson who's going to have difficulty expressing her TGism? I find it amazing that one transperson would be so strident towards another. "She doesn't deserve any advice?" OK, it's up to you. We'll agree to disagree.

Marla's basic problem is that her wife doesn't approve, a common one on this forum, and she's admitted that the problem is one of her own making. So she's going to have to work from there, as she knows, and if anybody wants to try and advise her, they're going to have to work from there, too. But if all somebody wants to do is have a go at her, it's hard for me to see how that's helpful.

Annabelle

[suchacutie]

Marla, since it's likely that the majority of us has faced some "forced" male time, I'd like to suggest that we avoid trying to invade your marital situation and offer suggestions about how some of us have gotten around time away from our femme selves.

The last time we knew that Tina was going to be "in the closet" for a while, my wife suggested that I pack a small suitcase and take an inexpensive hotel room for a day and transform there. This would give me the option of also bringing alone whatever it was that I'd be doing that day (crochetting project, book to read, computer work that I would have done at home, etc) or just get dressed and go shopping or whatever it is you might do during the day. Since you won't be sleeping there you only need a room so the amenities don't need to be terrific, just nominally secure.

I hope others have constructive suggestions about what might be done. It seems that you think that more time with your wife in the building will not make it more possible to raise the issue of Marla-time. I hope that turns out not to be correct.

best wishes.

[bridgetta]

funny how we are the mirror thru which we see the world..

[Foxglove]

You know, folks, some of the things said on this thread have given me things to think about.

Imagine this dialogue:

Young man (going down on one knee and opening a little jewelry box with a diamond ring in it): My darling, I love you with all my heart and soul. Will you marry me?

Young woman: Oh, yes, I will! But my love, I'm afraid there's something I have to confess to you: I'm a woman.

Young man: Huh?

That's kind of why he wants her and she wants him, right? But suppose she'd said, "I'm trans." What's he going to say then? That could change things, right?

And that's the mistake a lot of us made. We forgot the "I'm trans" part when we were getting married. What's simple for them isn't so simple for us. There's lots of women out there really upset with us (though some are OK with it), and it's easy to understand why. Except that some of us here seem to be forgetting what's going on. Most of us here know what gender dysphoria is, and we also know what heterosexual love is. That's our dilemma, and it is a b*** of a dilemma. And it's really hitting Marla square in the face now.

It's the advantage cisgender people have: they get to be themselves all their lives, and nobody thinks anything about it. If we try to be ourselves, a lot of people treat us like freaks.

I know where Marla is right now because I'm in a somewhat similar position myself: it was a relief to me in a way when my son left me. That's our dilemma: what we are separates us from those who are most dear to us. If my parents had ever known about me, they would have disowned me. I don't know about my brother and sister or all the rest of my extended family or my friends. We never can guess. If people we love find out what we are, chances are we're going to lose some of them. No woman ever lost anybody she loved because they realized she was a woman, nor has any man ever lost anybody because they found out he was a man. But we do lose people.

And now it's being suggested that Marla has somehow done wrong because for the last while she's had a lot of time to be herself. There's suggestions here that she got spoiled or she's being selfish. What woman has ever been told she's spoiled and selfish because she's behaving like a woman? What man's ever been accused of being spoiled and selfish because he's behaving like a man? But when a transperson really wants and needs to be trans, she's being told she's spoiled and selfish. She's got to accept that she's going to have to give up being herself.

Yes, things are going to change for her. And this is something that really hurts me. Shouldn't it hurt all of us? When you're trans, if you really want to be trans, it's going to cost you a lot. When you're trans, if you don't want to be trans, it's going to cost you a lot. We're all aware of the price we have to pay.

'Taint fair. Life isn't fair. It's just that this thread is getting to me a bit because it sounds like there's a bit of guilt-tripping going on here. I don't know about the rest of you, but I've had plenty of that.

Annabelle

[FionaO]

First of all I have to say I will really miss Marla. She and I share the same taste and there is not one of her dresses that I wouldn't love to wear myself and she has often commented on my vast array of beautiful frocks. That is another thing we have in common that we both seem to spend a lot of time acquiring new dresses. And you cannot fully appreciate a new dress until you get dressed to the nines and take a photo.
I have been through a similar situation to Marla but in reverse but with the same results. I used to work a lot away from home and spend about 10 nights a month in hotels on my own. These were great opportunities to dress and even get out shopping en femme. However I now work full time from home, as does my wife so the chances to dress are very limited. Not being away from home all the time is great for my physical and mental health so I am delighted that Marla's wife is able to reduce the stress in her life but also sympathise with Marla. If you read Marla's thread properly you can see that she is also happy for her wife's change in circumstances. It is not a one versus the other situation.
What have I done to get through my change in circumstances for over ten years?
I still buy loads of dresses and then when the opportunity arises and I have a full day to myself I will have a session with often 5 or 6 new dresses. One of the best things is that I have used the fact of being at home all the time to improve my health. I have become a fitness fanatic and have lost about 30 pounds so now I look much better in my dresses with my trim figure. The strange thing is that if I have an opportunity to dress or go for a ten mile run I often choose the latter as I love looking great. Hopefully beautiful Marla with find something to help her situation.
Fiona O

[Angela Campbell]

Yes crossdressing is pretty selfish. With that thought in mind.......If you end up with your clothes just sitting there I would be glad to keep them for you for a while.....for a nominal fee of course.

[Jamiegirl1]

...and on this note I completely disagree. This was BY FAR one of the most selfish attempts at gaining sympathy that I have ever seen on this site, and I offered absolutely no advise because, quite frankly, none is deserved.

Wow,how can you be so callous? you obviously have a relationship where your wife accepts your dressing...Most of us have to hide it and hear all the negative comments from our wives....I will be in the same boat in a year or so,I will retire and have no place to dress as well.......Marla is not being selfish.she is just not going to be able to be herself anymore,that is hard to deal with.......I feel for Marla.........Jamie

Marla,I feel for you Hun,I will retire in a year or so and will not be able to dress at home..I dress away from home now,but will have no excuse to leave and get dressed very often......It is unfortunate our wives don't approve or understand our need to dress and be fem......maybe you can find a hobby that gets you out of the house and you can dress away from home......I keep all my clothes and makeup in my truck,with a camper shell,in boxes in the back.........Good Luck Hun....Jamie

[andrea35]

Hi Marla, can you maybe confide your situation with a good friend and maybe be able to dress at his or her place? or perhaps rent one of those rental spaces so you can keep your things there and then have access or even dress there for small outings?

[linda allen]

Do we have to be mean to Marla? She's one of us, and a very nice one of us, too. Whether she's asking for it not, she's got my sympathy. Now I wonder if I can help her out?

No and I'm not trying to be mean, I'm trying to find out why she posted what she did. There's not much point in a forum where all the responses ade "poor baby, this is hard on you."


Quitting dressing is not like quitting smoking or alcohol. Tobacco and alcohol are not a part of your intrinsic makeup. TGism is.
That's nothing but a tired and overused excuse for a lack of self control. Crossdressing is something you do. You can stop by just not doing it. It may not be easy but you can stop. Consider this - You are put in jail. Would you stop crossdressing? You join the army and live in a barracks with other men or are sent to a war zone. Would you stop crossdressing? You suffer from a medical condition or an accident and are moved into a nursing home. Would you stop crossdressing?

Marla may be put in a position where she must either stop crossdressing or lose her wife. Personally, I am fortunate enough that my wife has accepted my dressing but if she didn't, I would quit dressing rather than lose her.

[JamieQ]

I personally believe things go in cycles. Give it time and I am sure opportunity will knock again...

[Barbara Ella]

This is a rough situation that hits home for a lot of us.Must disagree with the notion that cross dressing is merely something you do tht can be stopped if one really wants to. Not so. Every one's situation will, of course. be different, but the deep psychological nature of this activity makes it one you cannot quit, you can only delay. The desire will always be there, and ignoring it will have the noted consequences thst will surface in your behavior from day to day.

Marla will not have an easy time of it. I hope you will find a suitable arrangement with your wife for some partial dressng time. I feel fortunate to have two half days to dress. Cannot go all out to the nines, but I keep myself comfortable.

I do feel for anyone who suddenly finds themself unable to do something they have become accustomed to doing, regardless of what it is. This change in routine can be a blow to the psyche.

Best to you Marla dear.

Barbara

[Debra Russell]

Marla, I feel the angst, anxiety and pain Yeah everybody! it's real I am in the exact same situation after my wife lost her job and my son my daughter and grandson all move in - my house is like a zoo - no free time ever and there use to be loads of free time. So things change and have to get use to a new schedule - do some creative planning. My wife sees me dressed now and then - doesn't approve but is not in my face about it and realizes that on some scale it's good for me. I have got new clothes ,some she bought me, I just bought new boots and no telling how long they will sit there wanting to get out! I have been trying to find some time for maybe a whole day to be dressed and out but with the new "schedule" an hour here or there is about the best thats going to happen.

Marla some times we have to adapted to something that will get us by for the time being - I tend to shop a lot. I know you will find an outlet for Marla ; however albet not as fullfilling and for me it is good to have a confidante to talk to - in this case my grandaughter as she knows and understands and I think tomarrow I will wear my new boots to work -- Marla good luck - keep us posted -look for a way and the force be with you...........................Debra

[VeronicaMoonlit]

But this is now all going to change. I'd thought for years about what it was going to be like when we both retired, and my wife and I would be home together most of the time. I'd wondered what would become of my crossdressing, and whether not being able to dress would begin to wear upon me. Well, I'm going to find out sooner than I'd expected.

Devil's advocate question: Okay then.... you knew the day would come....what did you do to prepare for it?

I can guess you did what a lot of transfolk have done (including me), take the easy path of non-communication. Doesn't work very well does it. DADT isn't a long term sustainable solution to the trans-issues, we both know this. I feel sympathy, but you did know this day would come.


I've said for a very long time that crossdressing is a very selfish habit, and this change in my circumstances magnifies that opinion.

I wouldn't call it a habit at all, its a deep part of you isn't it, it's not like smoking...it's a part of your internal image/identity, isn't it? And while I think that transfolk can be selfish at times, the trans isn't necessarily selfish in and of itself. If you did anything "wrong" it was in the taking of easy path and relying on DADT and not communicating like you should have. But hey, the communication would have been scary, wouldn't it, easier to not talk about it, so that's what you did. Sure it was a bad idea, but can I blame you for it? Not really.


But worst of all for me, the selfish crossdresser,

you're not being selfish in the crossdressing itself.


Please spare me the "you should have worked this out with her years ago" responses.

Yes, you should have and you "know" you should have....why didn't you?


One can talk with one's wife until one is blue in the face about issues like crossdressing, and still not get her to change her opinions regarding the issue.

That's a rather absolute statement there. It's assuming the negative and assuming things will never change. I assumed the negative about my family, before I told them. They were saddened that I did not trust them enough and didn't trust their love for me.


While she is tolerant of such behavior in others, understanding transgenderism to some degree, she doesn't want to deal with it in her own husband.

Fine then...if she doesn't want to deal with it in her husband...there's the door...she can leave. But if she stays...and she did stay after she found out.....she has to learn to deal with it, not put her head under a rock, cover her ears and go "la la la" or otherwise ignore the elephant in the room. The lack of communication isn't just your fault, it's hers too. She could have initiated discussion as well.


I never disclosed it to her prior to our marriage,

Times were different then and there weren't websites like this one or many books or whatnot that we have today so you're off the hook on this one.

But all you young transfolk out there thinking of getting married need to tell BEFORE marriage. And better yet, figure out who you are before you ever even THINK about mariage. Don't want to tell her you're just a CD and then 15 years later figure out you want to transition.


No more femme time. No more dresses, no more high heels. No long, pretty hair, no lipstick. No nylons or lacy slips.

Who says? Sure you've had the "dress while wife is away" version of DADT, but that doesn't mean you couldn't pull a Kim Huddle and do the "I dress while away from home" version of DADT, at least in the short term.


I have another month, maybe five weeks, at the most. Then it all goes away, maybe for good.

:cry:

Don't say that, don't think that...think positive...think of what you can do to "fix the issues". Don't fall into inaction, take action.


Awe, I wish I had advice for you on this one! This is one really good perk of my having a job that keeps me on the road.

I'm glad you responded, and that's a good point, but the inverse of Marla's situation applies to you. What would happen if you didn't get to travel for work anymore. You too, need to prepare for this.



She's seen shows that involve transexual women, and has shown a great deal of empathy with them - almost an understanding. Yet only yesterday she saw an ad for that drag race show, with the overtly crossdressed drag queens, and had a very negative reaction to them.

Maybe she equates crossdressing with drag queens...when as we both know, most crossdressers have more in common with the TS folks, just to a different degree. Could you explain that to her? How you felt when you were young and so on?


So while we don't (yet) discuss my propensity to crossdress, she still seems completely against the idea.

Now is the time to discuss the issues.


And as near as I can read her, she hasn't yet put two and two together and figured out that part of my aversion to this "work from home" change is that she will be putting a severe, if not complete, cramp in my opportunities to crossdress and enjoy my femme time.

Explain it to her, how your alone time allowed you to "keep it out of sight, out of mind". Talk about your feelings.


For all of you that suggest that this whole conversation finally be put on the table, you may be right.

Not "may be right" but "are right" you know you've put it off for too long already.


But it's simply not as easy to do as it is to say it should be done.

I know, really I do and I sympathize, but has waiting made it any easier? Will more waiting make it any easier? No it won't. It's time to, as is sometimes said here, "put on your big girl panties and deal with it"


I know I'd feel extremely uncomfortable being dressed around her.

I know! Even after I told my immediate family I was still uncomfortable abou tthem seeing me en femme or seeing anything femme related. I still had to deal with the same of it....which is hard, I know.


And even if she were to seemingly embrace it all (won't happen),

Never say never, always have hope.


In short, even having this conversation has the greater odds of not ending well. So I'm loath to even bring it up.

But "not" having this conversation, has it been a good thing? It's been "avoidance" and that's a bad thing. These things need to be talked about, they "should" be talked about, and I'm not just saying that to just you....that goes for several others here as well (Sara, Kathi, Kim....I'm looking at you!)


Time will tell, but I'm not looking forward to this next chapter one bit.

And I don't blame you one bit for that...it's going to be hard, I know.


And that's the mistake a lot of us made. We forgot the "I'm trans" part when we were getting married. What's simple for them isn't so simple for us.

Times were different then.....now things are different. Hopefully the younger transfolk will learn from the mistakes we and others before us made.


No and I'm not trying to be mean, I'm trying to find out why she posted what she did. There's not much point in a forum where all the responses ade "poor baby, this is hard on you."

That's a good point, which is why in most cases I'm all about the prevention: telling before marriage, not doing the DADT and communicating MORE about this and not having elephants in the room.


That's nothing but a tired and overused excuse for a lack of self control. Crossdressing is something you do. You can stop by just not doing it.

What? Why did you say that? Don't you know that for some, that their CDing is tied to their identity? I'm not just referring to TS folk like me or Proto-TS folk like Sara, but folks like Marla have mentioned many many times about how they felt when young.


You join the army and live in a barracks with other men or are sent to a war zone. Would you stop crossdressing?

Considering that we have exmamples on this board of transfolks not stopping the trans behavior while serving...no some don't stop.


You suffer from a medical condition or an accident and are moved into a nursing home. Would you stop crossdressing?

A nursing home is one's "home", and it won't be long before nursing homes will have to start to deal with GLBT related issues if not already. I do believe that there are already nursing homes that advertise being GLBT supportive.

Veronica

[Terri Andrews]

I am sad about this change in your life ,I don`t think we can change who we are and we were born crossdressers,so I don`t think you are being selfish.
I have been confined to bed since the first of July and the fact that I could not dress was always on my mind . I am just starting to get back to going out and dressing .
I have always enjoyed your post and your beautiful resses ,so please keep us informed .

[ReineD]

So while we don't (yet) discuss my propensity to crossdress, she still seems completely against the idea. And as near as I can read her, she hasn't yet put two and two together and figured out that part of my aversion to this "work from home" change is that she will be putting a severe, if not complete, cramp in my opportunities to crossdress and enjoy my femme time.

Do you think she knows that you crossdress on Saturdays?

If not, I agree, you're in a pickle. Your conversation will be difficult.

But if she does know, then she has an understanding that you do need to dress regularly, even if she does not approve? Is there a chance that she will understand that your needs will not change just because she works from home? And if she is cloistered in her office on Saturdays, does this not afford the two of you a physical separation of sorts in your house, which will still enable you to crossdress without her seeing you?

[Amy Fakley]

I can totally relate to your position, as I'm in sort of the inverse of it. I've telecommuted for almost a decade now. About 4 years ago my wife lost her job and decided to take the opportunity to do the "stay at home mom" thing. Like you, I had to give up what had previously been "40 hours a week full time" (give or take). It was a hard pill to swallow, because like you, I have my reasons for remaining in the closet. It's a double whammy ... you have to give up a huge part of yourself, and you can't even talk about what you're dealing with.

At first I did a lot of drinking (I'm ashamed to say) ... health problems came along and took that option off the table (which was a blessing in disguise I think).

I dunno what to tell you, as far as solutions ... but I recognize that rock and that hard place you're between, 'cause I'm right there with ya. In the mean time, I think I've developed a "camel's hump" of crossdressing ... storing up girlyness when I come across an oasis-opportunity about every 3 or 4 months and taking an insane number of pictures and writing an insane number of diary entries to keep my sanity during the very long dry spells.

best of luck. hang in there!

[paulinescotlandcd]

Erica, you're awfully self-righteous, aren't you? I could not care less about your sympathy or anyone else's for that matter. This coming event in my home situation will constitute a huge change in my lifestyle and my entire situation. This is a support site, where many of us come to discuss things that pertain to our unique activities. This situation is one that I've not ever had to deal with before, so maybe - just maybe - some outside suggestions, ie. support, might be in order. I'll thank you to not bother corresponding with me or "contributing" to my threads anymore if you don't have some kind of positive input to offer. Who are you to determine what is "deserved"? As for you not offering any advice, based on your demeanor so far, I'll look upon that as a very good thing. Feel free to not chime in anymore. I'll not miss your responses.

Well said, I concur with the above.
My wife retires next March and although my wife has known about my CD'ing for 30 odd years I still think we may have issues as I am currently retired and can dress rather a lot providing my son is at work. I would like to offer you some advice but really all I can say is that things always change. No sooner might your wife start working from home than she might get another job. Time alone will tell, but in the meantime you have my sympathy. Best of luck.

[Madam Rose]

Yeah I think you should totally talk to her about this dude. Maybe she will understand.

[Lori B]

I know how you feel Marla.......you have a shoulder to cry on if ya want:sad:

[JamieQ]

I personally believe things go in cycles. Give it time and I am sure opportunity will knock again...

I want to add that my wife may be moving from 2nd shift to 3rd. I feel your pain...

[Jessica86]

I'm in the same boat. My wife got laid off when a major health care corportation folded here. She has been searching for another job for months. I have absolutely NO time to myself with two boys as well. I work 12-14 hours a day, so it is hectic. I do miss when my wife would go to work, kids to day care, and I had my one day off each week to do whatever. I would ALWAYS take the time to dress up. I miss it, but at the same time, I enjoy having my wife at home with the kids. The price of day care is CRAZY. It helps alot. Right now, it has been around two months since I have gone out dressed.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Marla, I don't know what more I can say that hasn't already been said
I wish you all the best in your upcoming program.
please do keep us advised.

[JaytoJillian]

You are not selfish Maria! This is a need, a part of you as it is for many others here.
I think you are facing a serious problem as it would only be human to start to resent the intrusion into this part of your life after so much time.

It’s not about your love for your wife or her love for you, it’s the sudden change to a life style you have enjoyed but more importantly needed for many years.

She is bound to notice the change in you as you get stressed out and the only way I can think of to help the situation is to tell her.

If you don’t tell her the pressure on you will rob you of your happiness and put a strain on your marriage and yet telling her could harm the marriage also.

A difficult situation with no easy answers.

Well-said, Suzy. To throw down the "selfish card" without knowing the dynamics in Marla's relationship is to leap to conclusions. I know all too well the joy of stolen moments to exercise this part of me. Yes, I said exercise--in fact imagine if the issue was exercise, and for whatever reasons, Marla's SO did not want her to go to the gym or work out in any way. Would anyone immediately paint her as selfish because she expressed regret about the opportunity to stay fit going away? I didn't think so. For me, CDing exercises my soul and just like working out, it is something that I do for me that makes me feel good. My SO criticizes me for both, so I speak from experience. I hope you figure out a way to make time for you. Try not to be discouraged. Sending positive vibes your way.

Cheers,


Jill

[Amy Fakley]

funny how we are the mirror thru which we see the world..

This, a [-]thousand times[/-] ten-thousand times..

There is a lot of good-natured prodding on this thread (and many others) for those of us in the closet to get out of it. To let slip the self-imposed bonds of secrecy; to embrace liberation. "Have that talk with your wife, because you really need too ...you're destroying yourself, it's not a sustainable strategy, it's unfair to her, it's deception ... the longer you put it off the worse it will get ..." etc etc.

Every one of those things may be very true, but what is also true is that making that decision has real-world consequences that cannot be undone. Those of us in the closet have to weigh the consequences of leaving, carefully.

Marla characterized cross-dressing in her OP as a "selfish habit". I disagree, though how we choose to deal with it can be. It could indeed be very selfish to bare your soul to your family in this manner, especially if you have really good reasons to believe the outcome will not be better for anyone involved but you (and even then ... if it ends badly ... not so much).

I know everyone here means well, but getting back to Bridgetta's insightful quote ... we tend to see the world through the lens of our own experience. My posts in this thread adhere as much to that rule as anyone's, but ... before you urge someone to drop a nuke on their marriage, you may want to consider if you are offering this advice from the perspective of someone who took that option, and was extraordinarily lucky.

[Foxglove]

Do we have to be mean to Marla? She's one of us, and a very nice one of us, too. Whether she's asking for it not, she's got my sympathy. Now I wonder if I can help her out?


No and I'm not trying to be mean, I'm trying to find out why she posted what she did. There's not much point in a forum where all the responses ade "poor baby, this is hard on you."

OK, Linda, the comment sounded mean to me. But if you're saying it wasn't intended to be, I can accept that. I can agree with you that certain kinds of posts might not be helpful on a thread like this, but there's been more than that sort of post on this thread.


Quitting dressing is not like quitting smoking or alcohol. Tobacco and alcohol are not a part of your intrinsic makeup. TGism is.


That's nothing but a tired and overused excuse for a lack of self control. Crossdressing is something you do. You can stop by just not doing it. It may not be easy but you can stop. Consider this - You are put in jail. Would you stop crossdressing? You join the army and live in a barracks with other men or are sent to a war zone. Would you stop crossdressing? You suffer from a medical condition or an accident and are moved into a nursing home. Would you stop crossdressing?

Linda, I think you're missing a very big point here. Some people on this forum say that their CDing is about nothing but the clothes, and maybe they would not be missing much by giving them up. I'm not sure of that, though. Because a lot of those members do say that their clothes are important to them.

But for some of us, our TGism is not just clothes. It runs much, much deeper than that. It certainly appears to me that's Marla's case. Let her pronounce on that. But it's certainly my case, and when you're telling me to stop dressing, you're telling me to stop being trans, to stop being what I am. And that doesn't sit too well with me.

Imagine saying this to a black guy: "Hey, if you want to get along in a white dominated society, you have to stop being black. Why do you have to dress like a black guy? Why do you have to talk with that black accent? Can't you dress and talk like a white guy?"

I think we'd all agree that is nothing but pure racism. But that's what you're telling me and other transpeople like me when you suggest that it's just "a matter of self-control": if you want to get along in the cisworld, you've got to stop being trans. I don't know what the word for this is. Transphobia? "Anti-transism"? In any case, you're not telling me to stop dressing. You're telling me to stop being trans.

For you perhaps, dressing or not is a matter of self-control. For me it's a question of what I am. It's not like giving up booze or cigarettes. It's giving up myself. And it's not "a tired and overused excuse for a lack of self control." Sorry, but I have to say this: that sounds so much like my father, it makes me cringe.


Marla may be put in a position where she must either stop crossdressing or lose her wife. Personally, I am fortunate enough that my wife has accepted my dressing but if she didn't, I would quit dressing rather than lose her.

Yes, you're very fortunate. But Marla's not. She's up against the "trans dilemma". A lot of us know what that is.

[Raychel]

I feel for you Marla. I very often think what life will be like around here after the kids have moved on and we are retired. I hope and pray that Raychel can still be around.

I hope things work out well for you :hugs:

[Sara Jessica]

This is a real issue for a lot of us on a number of fronts. It could arise out of working from home, retirements, children (both new & those who are growing older), etc. Some in these pages are in a place where none of these factors come into play because of how their spouse "accepts" their dressing. But regardless of when disclosure took place, many SO's just cannot get their heads around seeing their guy running around in a dress, heels, makeup and a wig. This is often the root of a DADT arrangement, a way for our SO's to cope with this thing of ours.

Marla, you have received a lot of advice here and all I can add is a little about my own situation which is somewhere in that DADT continuum but clearly in a different place than yours. As you know, I am able to go out & about with her full knowledge of what I am up to. In other words, I am not put in a position where I have to lie and sneak around in order to get out which helps immensely. Perhaps communication can open up to the point were you can get out once or twice a month in another town to attend your support group or something like that.

Also, although I don't typically hang out with her when presenting as a female, she is well aware that as she sleeps in the early morning hours, I am sitting here with my coffee, on the computer, wearing something feminine, mostly as simple as jeans or leggings with a top but really, I can wear whatever I choose during this time. What this does for me is it helps to quiet the background noise that is ever-present in my head throughout the day. It is a quiet time in the house and even though I am in an alcove off of our master bedroom, she has often woken up to catch a fleeting glimpse of me. Bottom line, once the family is awake and buzzing about, all bets are off for the remainder of the day and I present in guy/dad/hubby mode.

My point for you here is twofold, that perhaps you can make such an arrangement with your wife but also keep in mind that the hair/makeup/nails might have to be reserved for when she is away for a few hours or for outings. Ideally this can be arranged in a part of the house away from her sight but either way, the common theme amongst many of the posts here is communication. You will be crushed if you try to bury this away forever. This is something that has to be talked about and hopefully there can be a resolution which gives you a little bit of space, even if it goes on to maintain the DADT status quo.

Good luck Marla, I'll be thinking of you.

[TGMarla]

Again, I thank everyone for all the feedback. The ongoing topic seems to be the spitting match between Annabelle and Linda, so let me address that briefly. Linda, you started out your remarks by telling me I had three very stark choices, two of which were completely out of the question. Suddenly, after 18 1/2 years, I'm forced into either quitting this altogether or leaving my wife. " Leave her," you said. "Get an appartment (sp), and do what you wish." At least your second suggestion stayed within the bounds of reality. That choice was to talk with her. And while you're correct that a whole bunch of "Aww...poor baby" is not all that constructive, I'm not sure that "Scared Straight" is warranted here either.

I seriously doubt I could ever really quit this. It is, as I'd said, a "most integral and intimate part of my life", by which I meant "very intrinsic and personal". So nice that one member chose to misinterpret that and lambast me over it. Just what I need. But know this: I do not forsee a day when my wife will treat my dressing up like it was nothing at all, simply another part of me. Perhaps that is my fault, but I think had I forced the issue over the past twelve years, I'd have destroyed our marriage. As it turns out, at present my marriage is really a pretty good one, one that I am about 90% satisfied with. And that 10% would include her non-acceptance and a whole slough of nit-picky things that really don't matter in the bigger picture.

So the prevailing attitude here is that I should speak with her about a subject that we've really never spoken about in over 12 years or so. Frankly, I don't even know how to bring up the subject. It is not in my habit to suddenly decide to talk to her about things that I know will upset her - to take away her decent mood and replace it with one that is very upset. And what would be the outcome? Some kind of compromise where she leaves the house for a few hours simply so I can crossdress? I think that would go over about like a lead balloon. Allow me to dress in front of her? She's never even seen me dressed, save for one Halloween. She thought I looked really good.....a little too good. And while that didn't upset her, at that time she didn't know about the crossdressing. When she found out, that did upset her. I disclosed everything to her in a five-page letter which I later found in the paper shredder. We have not really spoken of it since. And if a letter to her explaining the truth to her got her that upset, imagine how she'll feel when she sees my breast forms, not to mention a wardrobe of about fifty dresses, ten pairs of shoes, and various sweaters, tops, blouses, and skirts.

I've dressed by myself for so long now, I don't know how I could ever do it with her around. I'd feel funny, and even a little ashamed because I'd feel like I was emasculating her husband right in front of her. But I'm getting ahead of myself here. I'm a long way from that happening.

Some of you here have been my friends for a very long time. You know who you are. I've followed your situations, laughed and cried with you, and never really had to deal head-on with my own. I thank you for your support and friendship. It really means a lot to me.

Yes, this is a monster of my own making, and I knew that sooner or later I'd have to deal with it. But I seriously thought it would be later - like about ten years later. Now I'm down to a month, and I have no clue how to even approach the subject with her. And I don't know to what end such a conversation will take us. It is not my nature to just let things fly and watch with amusement where the pieces wind up. So I still don't yet know just how I'm going to deal with this. But I doubt I'm going to like it all that much.

[CherylAnne]

Marla, I know this is a painful time for you. I went through the exact same thing about 3 years ago. Due to different shifts of us both working outside the home, I could dress about any time I wanted. Then, with barely any notice, her department was shut down, and overnight a 24/7 stay at home wife. And, as an aside, we went from a two income family to a one income family.
This is not meant to be patronizing, but, opportunities will present themselves when you least expect.
I hope this works out for you and your wife.

CherylAnne

[Karren H]

Awe, I wish I had advice for you on this one! This is one really good perk of my having a job that keeps me on the road.

I heard Kim's looking for a helper! to follow her around and carried her luggage? Just don't ask her to train you.... lol

[LaurenAnne]

I lived in a "don't ask, don't tell" relationship for many years... and I found it to be ultimately intolerable. Life is too short to spend energy denying an important aspect of who you are, in my opinion.

My advice would be to seek out a therapist with experience in dealing with TG couples to assist with exploring these issue with your wife. Ultimately I think you're going to have to deal with the "consequences" of coming out if you're *both* going to be happy.

Just my opinions.. in any event I feel for you & good luck!

[TGMarla]

Karren....you're always such a help! But if I carry her luggage, who will carry mine? Need a job?

CherylAnne.....thanks for the encouragement. Sigh....things absolutely will not be the same. But I'll persevere.

LaurenAnne......I highly doubt that a therapist will be necessary, but I'm also very sure that we'll find our way.

[Alice Torn]

Marla,You have my empathy. I left my toxic family in 1981, 2000 miles away, and was gone for 29 yrs, thought i would never have to be with them again.NOT! Circumstances force me to have to quit my business, leave my friends, and support systems, and come back into the dark hole . I could not dress for months. The need to dress can be suppressed, or repressed, but it is always tugging. I have no idea what that is like, with a dear, but unaccepting wife. It brings tears to my eyes. Maybe pray to Higher Power, I would really be suffering if i could not ever dress again, but a loyal, loving wife, is really far more important. Some guy said life is easy and a breeze. I'd like to talk to him!

[VeronicaMoonlit]

There is a lot of good-natured prodding on this thread (and many others) for those of us in the closet to get out of it. To let slip the self-imposed bonds of secrecy; to embrace liberation. "Have that talk with your wife, because you really need too ...you're destroying yourself, it's not a sustainable strategy, it's unfair to her, it's deception ... the longer you put it off the worse it will get ..." etc etc.

And for good reason, it's the best solution. Let me put it this way, which of these three things is the best. Be honest:

1. Telling wife before marriage.

2. Telling wife after marriage.

3. Not telling wife, having her find the stash, assuming an affair, finding out about the crossdressing and feeling betrayed/decieved, etc etc.

#1 is the best, because it "prevents" the problems associated with the latter two from coming up in the first place. I'm all about prevention, prevention, prevention.


Every one of those things may be very true,

Not. "may be" but "are true". They've been proven through years of experiences by many many transpeople.


but what is also true is that making that decision has real-world consequences that cannot be undone. Those of us in the closet have to weigh the consequences of leaving, carefully.

True, but when I say coming out, I usually just mean to immediate family, those you live with. But there's a well known GLBT saying: "Closets are for clothes, not people."


Marla characterized cross-dressing in her OP as a "selfish habit". I disagree, though how we choose to deal with it can be. It could indeed be very selfish to bare your soul to your family in this manner, especially if you have really good reasons to believe the outcome will not be better for anyone involved but you (and even then ... if it ends badly ... not so much).

Marla's wife knows Marla dresses, they have an "Don't ask dont tell (DADT) and don't talk about the trans elephant in the room" thing going. Now if Marla's wife didn't know at all, I would have said something different.


but ... before you urge someone to drop a nuke on their marriage, you may want to consider if you are offering this advice from the perspective of someone who took that option, and was extraordinarily lucky.

Honesty is always the best solution, as is telling before, that way if the future partner has any objections, she can back out of the relationship with minimal harm done.


That choice was to talk with her. And while you're correct that a whole bunch of "Aww...poor baby" is not all that constructive, I'm not sure that "Scared Straight" is warranted here either.

Heh, I think you got some of both...that should work.


I seriously doubt I could ever really quit this.

I doubt you could too, and if you had said you could I would have figuratively bonked you on the head for saying so.


But know this: I do not forsee a day when my wife will treat my dressing up like it was nothing at all, simply another part of me.

Never say never, always have hope.


So the prevailing attitude here is that I should speak with her about a subject that we've really never spoken about in over 12 years or so. Frankly, I don't even know how to bring up the subject.

Well, there's your own writings. You could always take her to a support group meeting, or have her join these boards. There's also books, my guess is that the Peggy Rudd books would serve you well. (if you were younger and were married to someone progressive, I'd tell you to start with Boyd instead)


And what would be the outcome? Some kind of compromise where she leaves the house for a few hours simply so I can crossdress?

A compromise is better than nothing.


I disclosed everything to her in a five-page letter which I later found in the paper shredder.

Eek, it's better to say it directly, not do the letter thing. I know I know, writing it is easier and less scary. I even wrote my "crossdresser letter" to my Mother, but I handed it to her..and we talked about it then and there.


We have not really spoken of it since. And if a letter to her explaining the truth to her got her that upset, imagine how she'll feel when she sees my breast forms, not to mention a wardrobe of about fifty dresses, ten pairs of shoes, and various sweaters, tops, blouses, and skirts.

Yes, but well, we both know that the DADT/hiding solution wasn't a good one in the first place. And no more letters! Talk to her directly.


I've dressed by myself for so long now, I don't know how I could ever do it with her around. I'd feel funny, and even a little ashamed because I'd feel like I was emasculating her husband right in front of her.

That's natural, I felt the same way at first...though not the emasculating bit. That's the shame of it, it lessens in time.


But I'm getting ahead of myself here. I'm a long way from that happening.

Never give up hope.


I've followed your situations, laughed and cried with you, and never really had to deal head-on with my own.

And now it's your turn, and I know it's scary. But you've got a lot of people rooting for you.


But I seriously thought it would be later - like about ten years later.

You know, I figured you'd have about 10 more years too, it's why I hadn't really prodded you to talk more about your elephant.


Now I'm down to a month, and I have no clue how to even approach the subject with her. And I don't know to what end such a conversation will take us. It is not my nature to just let things fly and watch with amusement where the pieces wind up. So I still don't yet know just how I'm going to deal with this. But I doubt I'm going to like it all that much.

Also, ask the partners in PM if you want to.



I heard Kim's looking for a helper! to follow her around and carried her luggage? Just don't ask her to train you.... lol

I'm laughing I thought of that too. :-) As I said, a Kim Huddle style "dress away from home" thing might be part of a compromise.


LaurenAnne......I highly doubt that a therapist will be necessary, but I'm also very sure that we'll find our way.

Don't rule out the counselor...but keep thinking positive.

Veronica

[linda allen]

Let me put it this way, which of these three things is the best. Be honest:

1. Telling wife before marriage.

2. Telling wife after marriage.

3. Not telling wife, having her find the stash, assuming an affair, finding out about the crossdressing and feeling betrayed/decieved, etc etc. ......

That seems pretty simple, but for many of us, the desire to crossdress comes later in life after we've been married for a while, perhaps many years.

Life is far to complex to be reduced to a multiple choice test question. We can give the OP advice, but our advice is colored by our own situations and life experiences. The facts as we understand them are: She won't give up dressing and she won't leave her marriage. Her wife will be working from home so she won't be able to dress around the home unless she tells her wife about her desire to do so and her wife agrees to her dressing while she is home.

With all that out of the way, the only advice that is of any use to the OP is advice on how to possibly bring the dressing up to the wife and have it end in a positive way. Even then, only the OP is in a position to judge what might work and what might not.

[Kate Simmons]

Regardless of how things go, my guides are telling me you will be fine Marla and they are seldom wrong. Sometimes we tend to over think things but when we stop doing that, everything seems to naturally settle into place where it should be. Take care my friend.:hugs::)

[TGMarla]

Yeah, Linda, that about boils it down to gravy. But as I've already stated, she's not going to willingly agree to something like crossdressing when she's home, and I would feel uncomfortable doing it around her anyway. Unless she has some kind of epiphany, and suddenly becomes this accepting spouse who gets a kick out of seeing her husband emulating a woman, I don't see this changing. Veronica, while analytical (to an exponential extent), has never been married to my knowledge. Forgive me if I'm mistaken here. But it's one thing to toss advice around (lots of it) without any real-world experience of the situations on which one is giving advice. It's another to live it and come up with actual solutions. It's possible that there may not be a solution to my situation. That is something I may need to accept. Maybe or maybe not.


....the only advice that is of any use to the OP is advice on how to possibly bring the dressing up to the wife and have it end in a positive way.

You know what? That really does about sum it up, doesn't it? But the devil is in the details. And this very thing is what's kept this subject off the table for these many years. We were both quite happy not talking about it. It's a safe bet that she'll still be quite happy not talking about it. As for me, I'd like the entire problem to just go away, but that isn't going to happen either.

I don't think she's aware of the fact that many crossdressers need to dress for their own well-being. I'm sure that such a statement is very self-serving, but I think it's true. "Honey, you don't understand. This is something I need to do." "Yeah? Why? You're a man. Why do you need to run around in high heels wearing boobs?"

It's funny, but I don't know how to answer that. It's a compulsion. There is an urge inside of me to do so. Doing so answers a great need that I have deep inside of me. But I'm not sure why. I only know that this is something that somehow completes me, makes me whole. And carving it out of my life would be like losing a limb or something. I've never known life without it, and over the years, it's gotten to the point where it's become a rather complex ritual. It's way more than simply wearing a feminine item or two. It's complete female emulation from head to toe. I absolutely love wearing dresses, and spending time as the well-dressed woman I might have been had I been born female instead. I don't do this to make myself into some kind of freak or laughing stock. I have very little need whatsoever to go out in public all that much, either. Mostly what I need when it comes to this part of me, is time. I enjoy the state of being when I'm all dressed up. And after a few hours or so, I can put it away without much regret. And that very thing is exactly what I stand to lose when my wife starts working from home.

[TGMarla]

Regardless of how things go, my guides are telling me you will be fine Marla and they are seldom wrong. Sometimes we tend to over think things but when we stop doing that, everything seems to naturally settle into place where it should be. Take care my friend.:hugs::)

I like that. Thanks Kate.

[Foxglove]

I don't think she's aware of the fact that many crossdressers need to dress for their own well-being. I'm sure that such a statement is very self-serving, but I think it's true.

It isn't self-serving. It's simply the truth. That's what a lot of us have such a hard time recognizing: this isn't just something I do. It's a part of me.



"Honey, you don't understand. This is something I need to do." "Yeah? Why? You're a man. Why do you need to run around in high heels wearing boobs?"

It's funny, but I don't know how to answer that.

You say, "No, I'm not a man. I'm trans. They're two different things."

Men do what they do, women do what they do, and we do what we do. We're not the same as them.

Best wishes, Annabelle

[linda allen]

Marla, here's my story:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?178855-Updates-at-the-Allen-Household&highlight=

Be sure and read the links this post contains as well. It's basically my story and my progress up to that point. Last evening, my wife asked me if I was saving my wig for a special occasion (I told her about ordering it and getting it, but had not put it on in front of her). I took that as an invitation so I went and put it on and came back into the room. "I think you want to be a woman." was her response. "No, I just like to dress like one." was mine. Later she said "I just hate it when your hair looks better than mine." I assured her that it didn't. I left it on until bed time and I'll be wearing it when she gets home from the gym today.

It's working for me. It may not work for you but given that you've ruled out the other choices, you have to find a way. Best of luck.

[Sara Jessica]

Last evening, my wife asked me if I was saving my wig for a special occasion (I told her about ordering it and getting it, but had not put it on in front of her). I took that as an invitation so I went and put it on and came back into the room. "I think you want to be a woman." was her response. "No, I just like to dress like one." was mine. Later she said "I just hate it when your hair looks better than mine." I assured her that it didn't. I left it on until bed time and I'll be wearing it when she gets home from the gym today.

This makes me think of an area where Marla and I have a whole lot in common. We don't have a desire to get dolled up and hang out with our SO's. I think Marla's aversion is even greater than mine because while I don't go out of my way to avoid my wife while presenting as a female, she will catch fleeting glimpses here and there which failed to make the world explode.

Yet at the same time, maybe it did and this is where Marla's feelings about this whole thing come into play. Our SO's world may very well explode in a slow-burn inside their own hearts or even with a contained violence, either of which is held inside, the image of their hubby forever engrained and heaven help us should she ever let loose with her true feelings about how she now perceives her guy.

Marla, I truly think you need to somehow carve out an understanding, not that you will be prancing around your wife while presenting as a female but instead, that you'll be in a sequestered part of the house doing your thing while she does hers, and that out of absolute respect for her you will not have her see anything. Yes, easier said than done.

[linda allen]

This makes me think of an area where Marla and I have a whole lot in common. We don't have a desire to get dolled up and hang out with our SO's. I think Marla's aversion is even greater than mine because while I don't go out of my way to avoid my wife while presenting as a female, she will catch fleeting glimpses here and there which failed to make the world explode. ..............

When you and your wife are both retired, it may be hard to avoid each other unless you live in a mansion. More importantly though, if you and your wife love each other, you will want to be around each other much of the time.

There are many folks on the forum who spend much of their time in "female" mode with their wives and even go out shopping or to restaurants with their wives as "sisters" or friends. This is pretty much my goal although I want to remain "male" to friends and neighbors. We have a place where we often spend weekends among friends and I am in "male" mode during that time except for wearing panties and possibly a bra.

For those who follow my "saga", this is a work in progress. I try to determine what she is comfortable with while keeping a constant gentle push..


Marla, I truly think you need to somehow carve out an understanding, not that you will be prancing around your wife while presenting as a female but instead, that you'll be in a sequestered part of the house doing your thing while she does hers,
I don't see something like that as more than a temporary arrangement. Not something that will last for the rest of their lives.

[NicoleScott]

What good does it do to remind us - again - that we should have told our wives before we married. We know that - now. It's not constructive for Marla at this point.
Marla's marriage is worth saving, and that's what makes this so hard.

[linda allen]

You say, "No, I'm not a man. I'm trans. They're two different things."

I find myself having to say this over and over again, but we are all different and we need to remember this when we give advice, especially something as specific as the above.

If you identify yourself as a simple crossdresser, not a transexual, that would not be a good response. Personally, I identify myself as a heterosexual male who likes to dress as a woman from time to time, not a transexual.

I believe most women would rather find out that their husband of many years (supposedly a man) is a crossdresser rather than somewhere between a man and a woman.

[Tora]

Marla, Just hang in there. Tomorrow is another day with new goals and rewards. Great Photos.

[daviolin]

Marla, your post is so depressing. You poor girl. I really feel for you. I wish there was something I could say to cheer you up. Just hang in there, something will develop for you. Please keep us posted. Daviolin

[ReineD]

… and I would feel uncomfortable doing it around her anyway. Unless she has some kind of epiphany, and suddenly becomes this accepting spouse who gets a kick out of seeing her husband emulating a woman, I don't see this changing.

This is the crux of the matter. It's about how comfortable YOU feel. It's internal to you, not her.

There is the possibility that she can know that you dress, but still not like it. Some wives can and do tolerate behaviors they are not happy with and this does not need to spell the end of a marriage nor does it affect how they feel about their husbands. This is the "DADT" approach, although in this situation, I think it is still important to maintain a line of communication open occasionally to make sure the wife is not reaching a slow-burn to the point of future explosion.

At this point, you believe that unless she loses her bias against the CDing, you will feel uncomfortable. After she has been working at home for 6 months or a year, if you feel you are about to explode and your own negative feelings, be they anger, frustration, or depression, begin to affect your day to day moods to the point where they will have a negative impact on your relationship, you may well decide that it is worth dressing and not having her approval, than not dressing at all.

On a different note, I don't know if you've ever heard of the term "codependency". Although there are many ways to be codependent, in a nutshell it is an unhealthy dynamics that is pervasive in many relationships, where one or both partners make themselves responsible for the other partner's feelings and/or where there is an attempt to control for a specific outcome either through not disclosing the truth, or controlling through anger, or many other ways there are to exert control.

On the other hand, it is healthy in relationships to be "interdependent" and without this, a couple would not be "a couple". It is difficult to sort through codependency vs. interdependency, since codependency patterns in some people can be ultra controlling, while in others they can be rather subtle and easily mask for the healthy interdependency. It behooves partners to focus on and change their codependent patterns when they reach an impasse over certain issues in their lives. This next link compares the two (codependent vs. interdependent), although for the purpose of the comparison they've used the more extreme examples of the codependent patterns:

http://www2.webster.edu/studlife/counsel/codependency.htm

There is a great deal more about this if you google it. And if you recognize that you are codependent and you want to change this (if only to get rid of your current anxiety over the upcoming changes in your life), here is an excellent book:

http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1351181000&sr=1-1&keywords=codependent

The author, Melodie Beatty, in one of her book chapters advocates for 12-Step programs (CODA) to help people maintain the unlearning of codependent patterns in their day to day lives. Many people get freaked out over any mention of 12-Step programs, and so I just want to say there are tons of books that will help with codependency by other authors, although Beatty's books are among the best.



I don't think she's aware of the fact that many crossdressers need to dress for their own well-being. I'm sure that such a statement is very self-serving, but I think it's true. "Honey, you don't understand. This is something I need to do." "Yeah? Why? You're a man. Why do you need to run around in high heels wearing boobs?"

Marla, I'm surprised to read this from you. You've been a member here for many years, no doubt you've read the countless threads dissecting whether CDers are men or not and to what degree, (your name even says you are TG), you're familiar with gender non-conformity, you've read from other members how they told their wives. You know there are ways to explain this. :)

Getting back to your current dilemma about how to deal with your wife working from home, if you do tell your wife that you need to dress on occasion and she has extreme reactions, then she is being codependent. If she does not have extreme reactions but merely expresses disapproval, and you cannot dress because of this, then you are being codependent.

Disclaimer: to everyone reading this, this is a reminder there are different degrees of feminine expression. Saying, "I need to express femininity occasionally" is different than, "I am a woman born in the wrong body", and each statement will understandably incur different reactions in spouses.

[Alice Torn]

Kate may be right on here. I, and some of us, maybe all, tend to think ourselves into a tizy. Overthinking. Concern is good, but turns into wrry in a New York second. Easy does it maybe be fitting. kate is right.

[VeronicaMoonlit]

That seems pretty simple, but for many of us, the desire to crossdress comes later in life after we've been married for a while, perhaps many years.

While it's true that there are "late-starters" they are in the minority, easily outnumbered by those who started pre-adulthood.


Life is far to complex to be reduced to a multiple choice test question.

Ever hear of "Occam's Razor", I shave my legs with it all the time. Let's look at this again. If a crossdresser marries, what are the things with the highest probabily things to happen in regards to the trans-thing. They are the three I stated....the things most likely to happen. We see those three things ALL THE TIME, on these boards (and other ones as well, and USENET, and IRC, books, TV shows, magazines, etc etc) There's a fourth as well but since it's much lower probability than the others, I threw it out. The fourth being keeping it secret through the entire marriage until you die and hope your wife dies first. That has a very low probability, considering how many "my wife found my stuff, what do I do" threads we see here.

All of that saves time on the "decision tree" by reducing things to the basics. Keep it simple. And once you have it distilled down to the essentials, then you can choose the optimal solution. Which is, as we all know, #1. Failing that you go to #2, which is less optimal as we have seen, and #3, which is no fun at all.

Now implementing the solution...that's the hard part. But one can probably use a similar method to help out in working on a solution.


We can give the OP advice, but our advice is colored by our own situations and life experiences.

Indeed, but that's a good thing. Some of us have been around long enough and have enough experience to "know" what works in general terms. And at it's basic core, isn't honesty the best solution?


With all that out of the way, the only advice that is of any use to the OP is advice on how to possibly bring the dressing up to the wife and have it end in a positive way.

Which I did.


Even then, only the OP is in a position to judge what might work and what might not.

Perhaps, but we aren't that different that we can't see the patterns and archetypes and see the solutions that have the highest probability of working. We see the same situations show up over and over and over again here.


But as I've already stated, she's not going to willingly agree to something like crossdressing when she's home,

Now hold on there, that's negative thinking. That's what prevents us from being open about this in the first place, always assuming the worst outcome. I did it myself before I came out to my family and you're doing it now. Heck, I once believed that my father would literally kill me if he ever found out. I was wrong to assume the worst. Others have found out they were wrong too, and yes, I think you're wrong to assume the worst. Though I know it's very very easy to fall into the trap of assuming the worst. I'm not saying to not take the worst in account, but If you assume the worst and say or do nothing...then what happens: you don't dress at all.

You don't want that, and I don't want that to happen to you. That would be a very very sad thing. So, wouldn't it be better to not assume the worst and go in to the situation with a non-negative mindset? Gee I'm sounding like Norman Vincent Peale here. :-)


Veronica, while analytical (to an exponential extent), has never been married to my knowledge. Forgive me if I'm mistaken here.

That is correct, I've never been married.


But it's one thing to toss advice around (lots of it) without any real-world experience of the situations on which one is giving advice. It's another to live it and come up with actual solutions.

I'm going to chide and lecture you a bit on that:

I don't have an RHCSA/RHCE cert, but after 10 years of running Red Hat based Linuxes, I might know a little something about running a Red Hat box don't you think?

There are counselors and therapists who counsel trans people but are not trans themselves...doesn't mean they don't know anything. There are marriage counselors who aren't married, or who are in Gay or lesbian relationships..doesn't mean they can't counsel hetereosexual marriages.

You know I've been around the transcommunity, online and off for years. I've watched TV shows dealing with married transfolk, I've read both Peggy Rudd's and Helen Boyd's books (lost of other books as well), I've read magazines, blogs, websites and been involved in various message boards and USENET or years.
I 've read threads by SO's and married transfolk. I didn't do all that not learn something useful. In fact since I hoped to myself be married....someday...I did it to prepare.

So yes, I'm not married and not a marriage counselor, but that doesn't mean I don't know anything. And in general terms, I don't think it's wise for one throw out advice given simply because the other person isn't "exactly" like us otherwise we'd have to throw out a lot.


It's possible that there may not be a solution to my situation. That is something I may need to accept. Maybe or maybe not.

Think positive, there's always a solution. (Now I sound like that guy in the Flashpoint promos on ION televison)


But the devil is in the details. And this very thing is what's kept this subject off the table for these many years. We were both quite happy not talking about it. It's a safe bet that she'll still be quite happy not talking about it. As for me, I'd like the entire problem to just go away, but that isn't going to happen either.

Then you "have" to talk about it, don't you. So then throw out any idea of "not talking about it" and work on the solution.


I don't think she's aware of the fact that many crossdressers need to dress for their own well-being. I'm sure that such a statement is very self-serving, but I think it's true. "Honey, you don't understand. This is something I need to do."

Well yes, you should say that. Talk about your "feelings" and how you've always felt about the trans


"Yeah? Why? You're a man. Why do you need to run around in high heels wearing boobs?"

It's funny, but I don't know how to answer that.

Actually you DO know how to answer that...you just don't realize it. You're transgendered, so explain trans 101. which you probably never did. But now it's time for you to do the classic trans 101 thing with your wife. Would have been somewhat easier "before", but you know that, and you're stuck with doing it now.

But now...you've got resources which you didn't have before, and that's a very good thing indeed! Tons of them, including this board and your own posts. Start preparing and collecting them and use them.


There is an urge inside of me to do so. Doing so answers a great need that I have deep inside of me. But I'm not sure why. I only know that this is something that somehow completes me, makes me whole. And carving it out of my life would be like losing a limb or something. I've never known life without it, and over the years, it's gotten to the point where it's become a rather complex ritual. It's way more than simply wearing a feminine item or two. It's complete female emulation from head to toe. I absolutely love wearing dresses, and spending time as the well-dressed woman I might have been had I been born female instead. I don't do this to make myself into some kind of freak or laughing stock. I have very little need whatsoever to go out in public all that much, either. Mostly what I need when it comes to this part of me, is time. I enjoy the state of being when I'm all dressed up. And after a few hours or so, I can put it away without much regret.

And what a great resource that very paragraph is! Use that, really, it's quite good. You need to show/tell that to your wife.


And that very thing is exactly what I stand to lose when my wife starts working from home.

Stop that, think positive!


It isn't self-serving. It's simply the truth. That's what a lot of us have such a hard time recognizing: this isn't just something I do. It's a part of me.

That's right.


You say, "No, I'm not a man. I'm trans. They're two different things."

Men do what they do, women do what they do, and we do what we do. We're not the same as them.

Well, I wouldn't tell Marla to say "exactly" that...but something similar:

"Look, I'm transgendered in the umbrella sense, always have been always will be, it's not going away."


I think Marla's aversion is even greater than mine because while I don't go out of my way to avoid my wife while presenting as a female, she will catch fleeting glimpses here and there which failed to make the world explode.

Yet at the same time, maybe it did and this is where Marla's feelings about this whole thing come into play. Our SO's world may very well explode in a slow-burn inside their own hearts or even with a contained violence, either of which is held inside, the image of their hubby forever engrained and heaven help us should she ever let loose with her true feelings about how she now perceives her guy.

And here is where I get to chide you both about the lack of communication. You don't know about exploding because you DADT. The lack of communication makes it harder on you than it needs to be. If she explodes internally you need to know it, if she "doesn't" explode then you need to know that too. If she explodes some times, but not others....you also need to know that.

Quoting Adam Steiner:

"Information is Ammunition."

More information is usually better than less, and I only say usually because I know about how sometimes information overload can be a problem.


Marla, I truly think you need to somehow carve out an understanding, not that you will be prancing around your wife while presenting as a female but instead, that you'll be in a sequestered part of the house doing your thing while she does hers, and that out of absolute respect for her you will not have her see anything. Yes, easier said than done.

I think that might be workable, over the short term at least....it gives you time for more communication anyway.


I don't see something like that as more than a temporary arrangement. Not something that will last for the rest of their lives.

Even if it's temporary, it's better than "nothing" and it gives them time to communicate and discuss this more.


What good does it do to remind us - again - that we should have told our wives before we married. It's not constructive for Marla at this point.

What good? My responses that mentioned telling before marriage were not just written with Marla in mind but others who might read them as well. The were also written with the other people in dADT sitiuations in mind, which I mentioned. And also with the people who are NOT married in mind...which I also mentioned. Prevention, prevention, prevention. If those who are NOT married see it often enough maybe they'll figure it out and NOT make the same mistakes we did.


We know that - now.

Then why aren't you saying it yourself, shouting it to the heavens to try to prevent the problems we see ALL THE TIME. 20 years from now I don't want to login to this website and see yet another: "My wife found my stash, what do I do" thread. I hope for a better future where wives don't find stashes, because they were told before marriage. A future with less angst, shame and anguish.


Marla's marriage is worth saving, and that's what makes this so hard.

Indeed.


I find myself having to say this over and over again, but we are all different and we need to remember this when we give advice,

Yes, but we aren't "that diffferent" that there aren't patterns, types and archetypes to this thing of ours that we can apply in offering solutions and advice.


If you identify yourself as a simple crossdresser, not a transexual, that would not be a good response. Personally, I identify myself as a heterosexual male who likes to dress as a woman from time to time, not a transexual.

I think the person used "trans" as shorthand for "transgendered" (in the umbrella sense) not "transsexual"


I believe most women would rather find out that their husband of many years (supposedly a man) is a crossdresser rather than somewhere between a man and a woman.

Perhaps, but I don't think people should underplay or understate the extent of their transgendered feelings either. Many crossdressers DO have a transgender identity...that doesn't mean they identify as transsexual though.

Veronica

[TGMarla]

I hardly know where to start with all of this. Reine, as always, I find your posts to be insightful and educational. I am sure that my own marriage has many aspects of both codependency and interdependency. When it comes to the crossdressing, however, it's not hard to see which takes dominance. I don't want to hurt her, and I've never wanted to hurt her. But I fear that day may come when indeed I've repressed my needs to crossdress for such a long time, I might start taking my frustrations out on her. I don't want that one bit. And although I might buy into the desire for us to be more interdependent, she would not without knowing the need for us to move in that direction. So once again, we're faced with that nasty talk about my desires to crossdress.

I'd like to make one thing clear (as mud). When I joined this forum, the simple name "Marla" was already in use. So I put a "TG" on the front so that I could register here. Over the years, and as things in my life and inside my own head have settled a bit, I've come to the realization that I'm far less "TG" than I once thought I was. Sure, there are still deep-seeded desires for femininity, but they have greatly subsided over the years. I still enjoy my femme time a great deal, but I no longer have the desire to transition, or even simply live as a female. There is an element of the feminine within me, but I'm not a woman trapped in a man's body. Rather, had I been born female, I'd likely have been very comfortable in my own skin. But my desire now is to be the best husband I can be to my wife, while still enjoying crossdressing now and again.

My house is not set up well for me to do this in one area of the house while she's in another part of the house. It just isn't. So whatever solution I come to, it won't be that.

I hate this.

[ReineD]

Over the years, and as things in my life and inside my own head have settled a bit, I've come to the realization that I'm far less "TG" than I once thought I was. Sure, there are still deep-seeded desires for femininity, but they have greatly subsided over the years.

I've read many others say the same thing. :p


... I hate this.

I hear you. And if you'll forgive me being painfully blunt, I want to suggest something. I don't want to be hurtful and I may have missed something, so please take this the way I intend it, which is to help and not judge. So, here goes.

Throughout the years I've gotten the impression that your wife knew of the CDing but she chose to not be involved, thus putting you both in a DADT situation. At the beginning of the thread, I thought that if she knew all along that you dress on Saturdays while she's at work, then surely she would understand that your needs won't change just because now she will be working from home.

And now I see that she does not know about you dressing on a regular basis, and the "talk" will mean having to tell her. Please believe me Marla that I am not judging you for this, just trying to assess the situation accurately. I understand that you felt it was easier through the years to not get into this, given her initial negative reaction years ago. So really, any discussion about whether or not you made a mistake in not telling her (which is currently complicating things more for you than for her), is moot.

So. The current issue is, how can you have a discussion with your wife about your needs, without telling her about your regular expression of Marla. Well, you can't. And you will need to be prepared for some fallout about not having told her, in addition to dealing with a discussion of the CDing, although it could (possibly) go better than you imagine. I don't know your wife. Or, you can wait to see how it goes, not say a thing and try to stop, and make the decision to deal with it later, if not dressing eventually becomes unbearable to you. But, if you choose this second option, you will still have to tell her about having dressed all these years on Saturdays. If, six or twelve months from now you develop a need to dress now that she is working from home, I think she will put two and two together. At any rate, I don't think you'll let it go so far as to become a bear to your wife to the point of having her wonder if something is horribly wrong with your marriage. I do think that you'll eventually have "the talk", if you find that not dressing is unbearable.

So in the meantime, I suggest that you start preparing for the talk. Gather resources, gather your courage, start writing letters to her that you will not give her (as a way to clarify in your mind how you will approach this), read about codependency, do whatever you have to do to find the courage to tell your wife the truth eventually, in the event that you will find you cannot live without expressing Marla. Honestly, it can't hurt to prepare.

:hugs:

PS. There's a little book that made all the difference in my own life, ten years ago. I don't want to be overly dramatic and say that it saved my life, but the difference it made was profound beyond description. It's an easy read, only 100 pages and you can get through it in a few hours. Here is a quote from it:


But if I tell you who I am, you may not like who I am, and it is all that I have.

It doesn't matter whether you are TG or not, or why you dress. Anyone can use this book no matter what their personal circumstances are.

Here's a preview of the beginning pages:
http://books.google.com/books?id=bQMqlTX5pqgC&printsec=frontcover&dq=why+am+i+afraid+to+tell+you+who+i+am&source=bl&ots=X5rEuoqpKe&sig=KHrVDoGZnNMf8HwTQqW-_BXybBM&hl=en&sa=X&ei=mmhAUOWxE4iNqwG9xIGYBw&ved=0CC0Q6AEwAA#v=onepage&q=why%20am%20i%20afraid%20to%20tell%20you%20who%20 i%20am&f=false

And here's the link to Amazon if you wish to purchase it:
http://www.amazon.com/Afraid-Tell-Insights-Personal-Growth/dp/0883473232

[Stephanie47]

Yes, this is a monster of my own making, and I knew that sooner or later I'd have to deal with it. But I seriously thought it would be later - like about ten years later. Now I'm down to a month, and I have no clue how to even approach the subject with her. And I don't know to what end such a conversation will take us. It is not my nature to just let things fly and watch with amusement where the pieces wind up. So I still don't yet know just how I'm going to deal with this. But I doubt I'm going to like it all that much.

I already made a comment at #23 above. This is not a monster SOLELY of your own making. If the cards were dealt twelve years ago, you wife chose to not play her hand. You poured your guts out, your soul out. Her reaction? Basically, she chose to fold, spindle, mutilate and shred your out pouring. Your feelings were cast aside. She stuck her head in the sand. You entered the classic DADT relationship. Out of sight, out of mind. I would wager she has been fully aware of your cross dressing. It really isn't secretive. Yes, she probably does not know of the extent of your wardrobe or your activities. She chose to avoid the issue. Do you really think this has not weighed in on her current thoughts? If I had to wager, I'd say she does not like the idea of working at home. She can no longer avoid the elephant in the room. For her walking away from the subject may have been a defensive mechanism twelve years ago. I'm still of the opinion you and your wife should re-engage the discussion.

[linda allen]

Marla, It was never my intention to argue with other folks but some have taken up the cause. My style is more "lets's get down to the nitty gritty" rather than beating around the bush first. I don't mean to offend anyone, I just think beating around the bush is a waste of time. My posts are based on age, wisdom, and experience, and I believe what I post and post what I believe. If other folks believe differently, they have a right to post their opinions as well.

I have tried to help you the best I can and I've posted a link to the unconventional way I introduced my wife of 30+ years to my crossdressing. I hope you read it.

You have stated that you won't stop dressing and you don't want your marriage to end. That leaves you with two options:

1) Work it out with your wife about the crossdressing.
2) Find some way to continue to hide it from her.

You can get all the advice in the world, but in the end, it's you who has to make the decision and it's you who has to find the way to do it.

I wish you the best. :hugs:

[Sara Jessica]

And here is where I get to chide you both about the lack of communication. You don't know about exploding because you DADT. The lack of communication makes it harder on you than it needs to be. If she explodes internally you need to know it, if she "doesn't" explode then you need to know that too. If she explodes some times, but not others....you also need to know that.

The thing about DADT, it's a rather broad term to describe degrees of tolerance among our SO's. It lies somewhere in between outright rejection (as in "not in my house or else we're talkin' divorce) and participation by the SO. There can be an element of acceptance with DADT, she just prefers not to see it, talk about it, etc. It could be mere tolerance as in she knows about it, perhaps hates it but let's it exist (again, without seeing or hearing about it).

I discovered in my own DADT situation that while she has given me quite a long leash with this whole thing, it hasn't come without a price. A woman can do and say a lot of things that might make us believe there is some degree of acceptance there but she can choose not to disclose how much she resents the fact this TG thing is even a part of her life.

Choosing to accept DADT in not putting the TG issues in her face (as in "hey honey, check out this _____ that I bought today, etc) is not a failure to communicate. Those lines have already been drawn. Instead, it's some semblance of respect for those lines. If she has issues in spite of such a tacit agreement that she won't talk about, then shame on her, just as it would be shame on me if the lines are untenable in some way, shape or form and I failed to communicate about those.


Throughout the years I've gotten the impression that your wife knew of the CDing but she chose to not be involved, thus putting you both in a DADT situation. At the beginning of the thread, I thought that if she knew all along that you dress on Saturdays while she's at work, then surely she would understand that your needs won't change just because now she will be working from home.

I've had kind of the same impression and that has been the basis for some of my previous comments. If your insight is correct Reine, then Marla's situation becomes that much more of a challenge.


I already made a comment at #23 above. This is not a monster SOLELY of your own making. If the cards were dealt twelve years ago, you wife chose to not play her hand. You poured your guts out, your soul out. Her reaction? Basically, she chose to fold, spindle, mutilate and shred your out pouring. Your feelings were cast aside. She stuck her head in the sand. You entered the classic DADT relationship. Out of sight, out of mind. I would wager she has been fully aware of your cross dressing. It really isn't secretive. Yes, she probably does not know of the extent of your wardrobe or your activities. She chose to avoid the issue. Do you really think this has not weighed in on her current thoughts? If I had to wager, I'd say she does not like the idea of working at home. She can no longer avoid the elephant in the room. For her walking away from the subject may have been a defensive mechanism twelve years ago. I'm still of the opinion you and your wife should re-engage the discussion.

There may be some truth in what you are saying Stephanie but I have a hard time in minimizing any reaction our SO's might have when a TG-related revelation is made. What we do, or in many cases who we are, flies in the face of everything they have been brought up to know. Yes, on a DADT continuum it is fairly clear that Marla's wife chose to stick her head in the sand but really, she shouldn't be blamed for this.

As has been said before, just as the point is moot about whether Marla should have disclosed prior to marriage, so is her wife's reaction. Think of these things as givens as we try to help her to solve the problem. While these facts certainly can affect how future discussions might go, they will not change so therefore, the focus should be on the solution.

Marla, I'm sure you have heard the over-used expression "think outside of the box". Well I think it's an important consideration here. You have been outright dismissive of some suggestions which at a glance seem like they'd never be solutions. At the end of the day you may be right but some of the best ideas I've seen implemented in the business world have arisen from things that were taken off of the table because they seemed untouchable. It's amazing what can happen when those things are put back into view for consideration. It might be where some of the best solutions lie.

[Claire Cook]

I hardly know where to start with all of this.

Marla, if I were in your shoes I'd feel the same way -- you've had a bewildering and often contradictory range of responses to your post. (Oh, are you a size 10 1/2 too?) Seriously, I am reluctant to add yet more confusion to this issue, but maybe a thought from my little corner. You clearly value your marriage more than your dressing :thumbsup:. Since you'll be spending more time together around the house, maybe you can express your "Marla-ness" in ways that don't involve wearing boobs and a dress. Being more understanding, attentive, sensitive, empathetic and maybe helping more with housework chores (and giving her unexpected flowers or gifts). She may respond positively to that, sense a changein your outlook, and who knows where that will lead?


I've come to the realization that I'm far less "TG" than I once thought I was.

We're all somewhere in that big TG spectrum, and we're all evolving in one way or another. Mine has involved realizing that those "feminine" qualities that I noted above (much as I hate stereotypes) has made me a much better person -- and I hope a better husband.



But my desire now is to be the best husband I can be to my wife, while still enjoying crossdressing now and again.

Go for that first desire. It has to lead to the right resolution!

[Allsteamedup]

As a GG can I bring a little reality to all this confusion.

TGMarla is retired.
TGMarla's wife has a very demanding job, apparently over 6 days in the week. Not only is it very demanding but she has very little time for her own pursuits nor time with her family.

The elements I am stressing here are the wife's earning and employment capacity versus TGMarla's apparent joyous lifestyle of total feminine indolence and indulgence. Nowhere does she state how much housework, cooking or domestic duties she performs while flouncing around for hours on end. Nor whether she has any outside pursuits which make for a healthy, balanced lifestyle.

Now those of you in relationships will have gathered that we women are funny creatures. Hormones awash, and when can you be sure of what we really think?

If Marla presents her wife with details of how she would prefer to spend her time, her wife is going to go straight to a comparison of how she, the genuine woman, spends hers.

This comparison may be be detrimental to Marla, particularly if her wife feels aggrieved that she is bearing an unfair burden of both work and domestic duties.

Now womens' ideas of fairness are inconvenient at best. How many of you have got a roasting for parading your latest shade of nailpolish whilst your wife brushes the yard/cleans the toilet/scours the pans etc?

The major issue here is retirement expectations versus the practicalities of a wage-earning partner. Presumably Marla's wife works because Marla's pension is not great enough to afford for her not to. Therefore the wage earning wife gets the major opinion . That said there are many couples on another site I belong to who have worked out a compromise. Some of this depends on how rooms are used in the home, or when family and friends can drop by unannounced, or how much time is spent together outside the home.

Therefore if Marla weighed up what would be a reasonable amount of time to dress (NOT days at a time, and sometimes much less than the full regalia) BEFORE broaching the subject with her wife she would have covered all the female objections I have pointed out here.

A word of warning. If Marla's wife gets wind of the fact that much of joint future retirement is going to be spent dressed, therby drastically reducing her expectations of things that can be done in retirement (travel, new hobbies, socialising, visiting family etc) the conversation is going to be tricky.

Maybe some honesty now would be worth avoiding future misunderstandings....?

[Anne2345]

...and on this note I completely disagree. This was BY FAR one of the most selfish attempts at gaining sympathy that I have ever seen on this site, and I offered absolutely no advise because, quite frankly, none is deserved.

It is neither my practice nor my desire to call a member out on a post, but I feel compelled to do so here.

Erica, you should be absolutely ashamed of yourself for posting this worthless, unproductive, offensive drivel.

In this, you have exhibited such a complete lack of sympathy, understanding, compassion, and just plain basic human decency that I cannot begin to even fathom where you are coming from, nor do I desire to do so.

Regardless of the circumstances surrounding Marla's current issues, she is in a time of need. If you take even a quick, cursory glance at the other posts within this thread, you will notice that other members here have accomplished what you have so completely and utterly failed to do - they are here for her. They are not kicking her while she is down like you have.

I do not understand why you have responded in such a mean, repugnant, and detestable manner, Erica. Perhaps you should change your screen name from "Erica2Sweet" to "Erica2Rude." Seriously.

And another thing, Erica - you apparently do not know Marla.

Marla is my friend. Marla is the friend of many here. Marla is a kind, decent, wonderful, amazing person that has tried hard to make her life work in the face of adversity. This is not easy for her. It is not easy for many of us.

But Marla is a special person. She is there for others when they have been down. She has been there for me when I have needed support. And God knows I have needed a lot of support throughout my membership on the forum. As such, I believe myself to be quite blessed and fortunate that I have wonderful friends such as Marla.

She is just a good person, period. She deserves better than your spite, and the contempt that you have offered her.

As many here have proclaimed, I, too, proclaim my love for Marla . . . .

So please just go away, Erica. You have nothing to offer Marla. And quite frankly, based upon your post, and the one that preceded it, if you are really that person, I don't know that you have anything of value to offer the forum, either.

Whether you do so by private message or in the public forum, you should apologize to Marla.

[Marleena]

I have no answers for you Marla but I hope you can figure something out. Good luck with it!

[PretzelGirl]

Marla, I have been unable to keep up all week so the first thing I want to say is that I am sorry that you are having to go through this. This is an extraordinarily tough thing to deal with as you are probably working through possibilities or pain for you, pain for your wife, or some combination in-between. As someone with full acceptance, I can try to imagine what the duress is like, but I probably can't completely relate to where I understand all the thoughts going through your mind.

But because of another family issue, I do understand co-dependency quite well. I have learned to fight it by making sure I take time out for myself (and for clarity, this again has nothing to do with dressing). It is stressful. Unfortunately marriages just don't come perfect. We may love each other and want to do anything to not hurt each other, but it just doesn't always work out that way.

What I don't want to do is tell you what to do to resolve this. I do want to tell you that I have always had great respect for you because you always presented your dressing habits as done so that you could take care of yourself but you never wanted to hurt your family. I hope you are able to find a good middle ground but don't forget, right now it sounds like that your are the only one in this that will take care of you (unless your wife's opinion has changed and she hasn't voiced it). There are two of you ready to take care of your wife. So whichever way you go, and it doesn't seem there is a direction without some level of pain, you are the only one controlling your destiny. Take care of you in this process. :hugs:

[Stephanie47]

Allsteamedup is all steamed up! Yes, Marla has not provided information of how the entire day is spent. Your description of a retired cross dresses life is probably totally inaccurate. Yes, I'm am sure there are MCP in a dress who do not do squat when it comes to domestic duties.

Since, you made general statements concerning a retiree, let me explain what is probably happening by another example. My pension is more than adequate for both of us to live a comfortable life, including all the unnecessary purchases of Stephanie. "WE" have planned and are debt free. Don't owe a dime. My wife still works, voluntarily. My day starts driving her to work, and, later from work because she does not drive (depth perception issues). I do the housework. I do the grocery shopping. I bake. I cook (en drab) when she comes home. I take care of all the manly chores. I drive her where she needs to go. During the day I do a lot of these in home chores en femme. That's the extent of my private DADT time. Do I want my wife to participate-NO!

Decades ago she put her head in the sand. Yes, she knows I cross dress. Past the original crying and explanations, she just ignores it. I also ignore her issues, which she acquired prior to me ever knowing her. Does cross dressing interfere with our relationship? I really do not know. However, I do know her prior package have had a negative effect on our marriage, but, nothing that cannot be handled.

How will Stephanie exist when my wife retires? I really do not know. Will Stephanie retire? Will my DADT wife sense she needs to give Stephanie private time? I don't know.

I think the vast majority of cross dressers, who are not on this site, over compensate in their lives because they still feel "badly" about dumping this baggage on their wives. I suspect the vast majority of them act just as I, and, just would like a few scraps to fall from the table.

I suspect Marla is more afraid of losing his wife (I said his) than losing Marla. I suspect the end result will be a greater degree of angst in their marriage than DADT presents now.

Just my thoughts.

PS: My wife complains I do not clean the toilets. Yep, it escapes me. Why? I don't know. But, my wife has not gone grocery shopping once in over thirty four years. She's ahead of the game.

[NicoleScott]

Wow, Allsteamedup (post #82) you introduced some elements into the conversation that Marla didn't, and made some over-reaching assumptions:
- wife works because Marla's pension isn't enough. Maybe she works because she wants to, as many people do, even when they are retirement age and have enough money. She might be close to earning her own retirement.
- Marla is so obsessed with dressup that she leaves all domestic chores to the tired working wife. You don't know this. How unfair to assume.
- the wage-earning wife gets the major opinion. Really? Are you kidding? Does the wage-earning husband get the major opinion? If so, maybe the lower-earning wives should shut up about their crossdressing husbands. "I make more money. I crossdress. That's life."
The issue that Marla raised was that the wife would be working at home, spending more time at home. Just keep it there.

[TGMarla]

Wow.

First off, I want everyone to know that I read every post here, and I give thought to everything that everyone has offered. If I fail to respond to you directly, please know that I have read and digested what it is you have had to say. And I thank all of you profoundly.

I've not had the chance to respond again until now. And between the last time I gave any input and now, Allsteamedup has certainly thrown the heaviest bowling ball down the ol' alley. So let me address what she's said, and add that she also PM'd me, and that we're all good. Helen, I am not on a pension. I own my own business that I work out of our home in order to keep my overhead low. I'm quite successful with it, and I make a very good income. Money is not our problem. While I greatly enjoy dressing up to the nines, I actually spend less time en femme than you'd suggest. Yes, I do indulge myself on Saturdays, and at times in the early evenings during the week, but I'm hardly living some fictitious "joyous lifestyle of total feminine indolence and indulgence." I do all the cooking in our household, or at least 99% of it. I help my wife with all the housework, too. At times, when she is at work, I even clean the whole thing from top to bottom just so she doesn't have to. I also take care of the outside of the house and all of the things around the house in need of repair without her help. I have many outside hobbies, including golf, music (I play bass), reading, writing, and acting. Yes, I am a somewhat accomplished local actor.

She has worked a swing shift that has included Saturdays for many, many years. And while some may not approve of it, I have often used my off hours when she is at work engaging in my crossdressing activities. Because she has a negative viewpoint towards these activities, I have done her the courtesy of making sure that it doesn't leak over into her life in any way - as much as I have been able to do. Sure, I've slipped up from time to time. She's run across some of my things on rare occasions. But by all appearances, it would seem that she's appreciated this, that she's not had to deal with it at all.

Now she's changing her lifestyle completely, and she will be home almost all the time. I do not begrudge her this. I only lament that this will collide with my opportunities to crossdress in private, which is the way I've grown accustomed to it. Anyone who's bothered to educate themselves in any way on this subject knows that this becomes something we do that enhances our very well-being. So I am simply attempting to gain input from others on how I can proceed forward with this situation. I've never known a life where I could not crossdress on some level. Over these past many years, especially in the years I've been a member of this forum, my crossdressing activities have evolved to a very sophisticated level. As opposed to many years ago, when I was much younger, I now use prosthetic breasts, makeup, a wig, hip pads, and my own sizable wardrobe. I've grown used to being able to dress fully, in private, and enjoy myself for an hour or two, sometimes more, several times a week. When other obligations take precidence, I've always done the responsible thing, and tabled my self-interests for that which needs to be done. But when I've met my obligations, worked hard, and done my due diligence, I've often rewarded myself with a little crossdressing. I think most crossdressers, to whatever extent they enjoy these indulgences, behave the very same way.

Now I have been spending much of my days while I am working (which often involves a bit of driving to, from, and between customers) going over the coming conversation with my wife in my head. One thing I thought of sticks in my mind. I want to talk to her as a husband, a friend, a lover, and a life-partner, and not as a defendant on a witness stand. I don't want to put myself on trial. I'm not guilty of a crime. However, we are both guilty of ignoring this particular element of my life in so far as it relates to the two of us. One could easily say that until now, it really hasn't been all that necessary. I've tried to do a lot of reading about others who have disclosed this to their loved ones. No doubt, it's a delicate operation to do so, and I certainly don't want to unload too much on her at one time. I try to think about how I'd feel if I were her, and I was hearing all of this for the first time in years. I try to think about how I'd react to my husband wearing a bra and breast forms, a wig, and a dress. (Sigh....at least they're pretty dresses!) I've concluded that she needs to know, and she needs to know everything. I just don't know that she needs to know everything all at once. It's a big load. As WildAboutHeels would tell you, not all crossdressers take it to the extent that I do. I do the total female emulation thing. Many crossdressers just put on an article or two of clothing, and they're content. I take it the whole nine yards, with a few exeptions. So I hope that we can have this conversation without any screaming and yelling.

I guess I'm not all that worried about losing her. We have too many years put into our marriage for this to break us. We're a committed couple. But I don't want to hurt her, either. And I think that this will cause her some hurt. This is why I've kept it under wraps for so many years. This is why she's never brought the subject up with me. She knows I crossdress, but she's never come home and found me crossdressed. The only time she's ever seen me crossdressed was something like a dozen or so years ago at Halloween, when we did the gender-swap thing for a costume party. I admit, I was a little too good at it, but I did enjoy it. Shortly after that, I disclosed to her a lifetime of crossdressing in a long impassioned letter to her, which promptly wound up in the paper shredder. She was very angry about it, and we nearly divorced. That simmered down, and we made the decision to remain together. Since then, other than for a few comments here and there (without anger, I might add), we have simply not spoken of it.

Well, that is going to change, I guess. I just have to figure out how to approach it. And I just don't know how at this point. I just don't know. Yet.

[Molly Wells]

Marla,
I have been following this post with some interest. I am afraid that the dilemma that you are facing is one that I and others can/will likely face at some time in the future. Every marriage and couple have their own unique dynamics as we all see here very often. I hope things work out to a positive and equitable resolution for both you and your wife. Please keep us up to date as things go forward. Best to you!

Molly

[Alice Torn]

Marla, Be prepared for whatever happens. There maybe screaming and yelling, and crying, and lots of angry words. I hope not. She may get very emotional. I don't know her, so don't have any idea. It won't be easy, but, TIMING IS EVERYTHING. I have been awful with timing!!! When their air is light, and positive, is best. Whether the marriage ends, or a compromise can be agred to, know you and her will survive this.

[Tina B.]

Marla, I've been absent for days, and had missed this, at this point there is not much more that can be said, except I can empathize with your problem, It's a hard spot to be in, and your choices seem limited, I hope you both can find away through it without to much stress on either of you. Good luck working it out.
Tina B.

[Sarah Doepner]

Marla, first I want you to know that I've come to respect you over the time I've been reading your posts and I hate to see you in any kind of quandry like this. Unfortunately we are in a world we don't control and stuff like this happens, even to the best intentioned of us.


I don't want to hurt her, and I've never wanted to hurt her. But I fear that day may come when indeed I've repressed my needs to crossdress for such a long time, I might start taking my frustrations out on her. I don't want that one bit. And although I might buy into the desire for us to be more interdependent, she would not without knowing the need for us to move in that direction. So once again, we're faced with that nasty talk about my desires to crossdress.

I hate this.

It was this was the point that hit me the hardest. I've experienced that situation and it can color your judgment and create a short cut to anger when there are other more reasonable and appropriate steps that can and should be taken. I hate to admit that there were times when I was denied the opportunity to dress and it felt like I was dealing with an addiction, but that was how I felt. My behavior with my family was tense and strained at times and it was not their fault. I don't know how strong this type of feeling will be in your life, but I hope it is minimal.

My suggestion, for what it's worth, is to test it out before your wife is home 24/7. If after a week or two of not dressing you are short tempered and becoming resentful, it may be time to start planning the discussion to head off conflict that will be coming your way. If you are able to divert your attention and desires to other activities, or discover other outlets for you dressing, then you can move forward with confidence.

I wish both you and your wife the best as this transition in your worlds take place. May you come out the other side of this as a stronger and happier couple.

[TGMarla]

I'm terrified.

I don't know how to have this conversation, how to start it, where it will lead, what her ultimate reaction will be, what damage it will (may?) do to our otherwise wonderful marriage.

I've been pouring over the internet trying to gain input on all aspects of this. I've seen lots of good stuff, and of course, lots of bigotry and ignorance, too. But really, nothing seems to give me a sense of direction on how to approach this.

My wife has a lot of stress in her life, and she has high hopes that her coming home to work will relieve a lot of this. Then, WHAM!, her great stress reliever has this ten-ton weight dropped on top of it. I want to be fully supportive of this move for her sake, but I admit that I'm obviously very torn up about the whole matter. I'm a little bitter towards her company because they want to move her home to work, taking up some of our house, use our internet, make us purchase the desk, and then on top of it, they make demands on how everything needs to be set up and executed so that she can do their job in our house. But I openly admit that I can deal with all of that a lot more than I can deal with the lack of my coveted "alone time" which I've enjoyed for so many years. I certainly don't want to be selfish about this. She matters at least as much as I do. And the absolute facts are rather stark. She is coming home to work. She'll be home almost all of the time now, save for whenever she goes somewhere on her own personal time. I will not any longer have the liberties I've grown used to. I will not be able to enjoy my crossdressing as I have these past many years. These are the facts. They are not going to change.

So I'm left with looking at what I can change. And the one thing I can change is my own dynamic with my wife. Oh, yes, I certainly can change it. But since she is her own person, with her own viewpoints, her own values, and her own beliefs and opinions, I cannot simply change that. One can always change one's dynamic. The trick is to change it so that it has a favorable outcome. Naturally, I want an outcome that is favorable to me. I'm sure at this point that her own favorable outcome would be for this particular "problem" to simply go away, that her husband would not crossdress, and that it wouldn't therefore be a problem at all. Then we can both go right on living and the world would be just fine. But to me, a favorable outcome would be for her to understand it all, embrace it, allow me to dress any time I want to, and that it wouldn't therefore be a problem at all. Then we can both go right on living and the world would be just fine.

Is she going to feel that I've betrayed her? She's known about this for many years; we just haven't talked about it at all.

Irresistable force? Meet immovable object. I hope you two get along.

It's most likely that a compromise of some kind is in order, but I don't know what that is at this point.

I don't know how to approach it. I feel like I'm on the crossdressers' equivalent of death row, awaiting my own execution.

We need to talk. And I'm terrified.

[Sarah Doepner]

Marla,

Maybe I'm just an optimist, maybe I'm careless because I don't have any skin in the game or maybe I'm basing my response on my own experience and the fact that my wife accepts me as I am. I hid from her for years while wanting to tell her. All that time I made the excuse that she already had more stress in her life and this would add more. She had never suspected so when it finally came out there was no reason to expect a positive outcome. I suggest that your wife is bright and she also has prior knowledge of your crossdressing and is aware of your committment to your marriage. It's been 10 years since my wife discovered Sarah existed and the thing that she is hurt by was that I didn't tell her sooner. She sees it as a breach of trust more than anything else that could effect our relationship.

The other thing I forgot to include in my last post was that one of the changes in the situation may be you are out of the home more often than you are currently. It wouldn't be the same and there would be costs involved, but you may find you get some of what you need by giving over the house to her if she is unwilling to accept you dressing while she is working. A friend of mine is retired and married to a woman who works from home. She has her office and rarely leaves her desk while working, usually only to take bathroom breaks or eat. Occasionally a work situation stumps her and she has taken those opportunities to run her problems past him, but that has proved to be a benefit in the relationship as he better understands what she is facing and she sees that as a positive addition to the relationship. While there will be a sharp change when she first starts working from home, there will be an extended period of adjustment and accommodation as you both find the new way your lives will work.

After a time it may become obvious that you are unsettled about the new situation. The best course, once she has had a chance to settle in and figure things out, will be to share your real needs and be honest. If she is as bright as I hope and as committed to you as you are to her, there may be new options that show up in unexpected ways. Again, good luck and be as patient as possible. This sounds like it's going to be something that plays out over several months and not be that execution date you refer to.

[Ann Thomas]

Marla, I've not had time to read this whole thread, and may be repeating someone else's comments, but I do want to say one thing. I don't agree that crossdressing is a selfish thing in all cases. For me, without crossdressing, I become irritated, distracted all the time, thinking about dressing, and the longing for it just gets worse and worse. It makes me want to divorce myself from anyone that doesn't accept me, whether that be wife, family, friends, neighbors, etc. It makes me NOT a valuable member of society, not contributing at all, but hating it. So, for me NOT to crossdress is the worst thing one can do to me.

So, to be a valuable, contributing member of society, I need to crossdress. Then, I can focus on work, home life, friends, family, social things, whatever I need to better myself, my family and my community.

One hears stories of transsexuals that need to have SRS - they try to commit suicide, they mutilate their birth genitalia, and once they get SRS, all that goes away and they can be contributing members to society. I don't see the difference, really between crossdressers needing to dress, versus transsexuals that need a sex change to feel complete.

So, for me, if I were in your situation (btw, mine is currently not much different in that my wife and I are separated for several reasons, not my crossdressing, but soon that may come to an end in the same sudden and total way yours is), I would get this worked out now, and tell her your needs.

In my opinion: From the wife's perspective YOU are being selfish. From the CD perspective THE WIFE is being selfish. So who wins? Both can win if a reasonable compromise can be reached. If you both want to be contributing members of your family and relationship (and possibly more) then compromise is the only answer, otherwise, it's splitsville. You can't both get 100% your way, and still both remain actively contributing 100% to the relationship. Sorry to be so blunt.

All the best.

Hugs,
Ann

[Raychel]

I hope this all works out well for you both. I hope that you can have a nice heart to heart conversation and get this all out n the open, so there can be some agreement that will comfortably accomadate both of your wants and needs. It take alot of compromises on both parts to make a happy marriage. I am sure that with the right conversations, love and devotion, that you can get this all worked out. :hugs::hugs:

[suzy1]

I'm terrified.

I don't know how to approach it. I feel like I'm on the crossdressers' equivalent of death row, awaiting my own execution.

We need to talk. And I'm terrified.


To be honest I would be terrified too if I was in your shoes Maria.
This is no ones fault despite what some might say. Horrible things happen in life sometimes. Things we never foresee or deserve.

You seem to be looking for a way out of this, or an answer that will help in some way to make it easier. I think there is none. You know what you have to do. Have the talk or stop crossdressing. And if things go bad then pick up the peaces and move on.

I know it’s hard but once you have faced up to this then you will feel better and be strong enough to cope with whatever happens.

SUZY

[TGMarla]

You seem to be looking for a way out of this, or an answer that will help in some way to make it easier.

There's probably a lot of truth to that.

[Bethany_Anne_Fae]

I lived in a "don't ask, don't tell" relationship for many years... and I found it to be ultimately intolerable. Life is too short to spend energy denying an important aspect of who you are, in my opinion.

My advice would be to seek out a therapist with experience in dealing with TG couples to assist with exploring these issue with your wife. Ultimately I think you're going to have to deal with the "consequences" of coming out if you're *both* going to be happy.

Just my opinions.. in any event I feel for you & good luck!

THIS!!!

Hi Marla :)

I've known you for a long time mostly through posts here and I am glad you put this situation out there for others to learn from, seek answers to and perhaps resolve it in a positive way. What LaurenAnne posted is what I was going to delicately suggest. Though my situation is radically different from yours... we (my SO and I) have found that the gender therapist we have has made such a profoundly HUGE difference in our way of thinking and communicating.
WE did it together, as I think you may want to try with your loved one. Obviously you love each other or else you would not still be together after so long with the knowledge of who you are already out there to some degree. Now its time to slowly meander into full disclosure with her in the company of someone who knows how to handle and guide such things. I really think you will find a WIN situation for both of you because after all... our individual and mutual happiness are what makes life worth living. What you have is worth preserving and anything can be worked out within reason but you both have to be maleable.

The alternative sounds and IS very depressing.

Take your time, think it through (as I know you already have), and make it work. I have faith in you ;)

As for some of the self-rightous/derogatory crap that has been thrown into this thread by people not looking to help... dismiss it entirely... as it adds nothing to the solution ;)

*hugs to you my sis*

Bethany Anne

[Melora]

Wow! Marla.. What a double edged sword that you have here.. As you have been my friend for a long time now on here, there is nothing that I can give for advise as you have given me lots of advise in the past. All I can give you is my support. Like you, in my marriage I took full advantage of when my wife was absent, which was often. I should have done things differently.. She found out about me and ultimately used that as one of the reasons for why we are divorced now. Which is good for me in a way as I have as much Katie Melora time as I want.. On the other hand, I now sleep in an empty bed right now, lack her companionship and lost many people who I used to call family.
Marla, this side of you is part of You. If you try to bottle Marla up, she Will ultimately get out. Maybe not in a good way either.
I feel for you Hun and hope you find the way and courage to make the right choices for you and your wife. I hope I am not saying the same thing as somebody else, though I might be.. You may have to put your cards on the table with this and be prepared for different possible outcomes, if Marla is to stay as an integral part of your life, as she has been, this long time now. Otherwise you will have to find an outlet outside of your house, to have Marla time, which is probably inconvenient to you I am sure.
It looks like you have tons of support here as you have many friends on here.
Huggs..
Your sister
Melora