Which came first?

[Frédérique]

Which came first for you – the gender identity crisis, or the MtF crossdressing?

Did you think of yourself as a girl, wrongly imprisoned in a boy’s body, so crossdressing just naturally emerged as a form of much-needed expression? Maybe you couldn’t relate to boys in a traditional sense, yet females seemed like kindred spirits, or perhaps your entire existence seemed WRONG, and you wished to achieve some sort of equilibrium via crossdressing...

Or maybe you just naturally gravitated towards crossdressing for a myriad of reasons, and you never thought about an identity crisis. You were fascinated by what kind of clothes the girls wore, and slowly, over time, you inched towards the big moment when you would actually step over the line and become a crossdresser. That last sentence describes my initiation into the odd but wonderful world of MtF crossdressing, and I keep my fascination cultivated at all times...

Of course, once you branch out and explore the CD world you now inhabit, questions of gender identity will emerge – am I really supposed to be a girl, am I on the road to becoming a female, and do I have to be attracted to, or be attractive to, the gender I am leaving behind? These are all decent (and important) questions, but some of us began to crossdress simply because we just like to dress up. Oh, the same questions come rushing into one’s psyche like a flashflood, but you can just crossdress for the sheer pleasure of it...

There are things that are debated ad infinitum in this section, perhaps reflecting the many ways one can either approach or absorb MtF crossdressing – was I meant to BE female, AM I a female, or am I on the path to becoming female? You know, just because there are questions doesn’t mean there are answers. I was born a male, and when I began to dress as a girl the wheels in my mind started turning – the dressing made sense, at long last, and I felt at ease for the first time in my life. However, this nagging gender question persists – was I really supposed to be a girl? What happened? Surely my crossdressing means something, or does it?

Honestly, I see very little difference between the sexes, and this helps me to deflect any notions about gender identity. This revelation arose during my years spent as a boyish boy, doing boyish things and being “aligned” along boyish lines. I had a female cousin two years younger than me, but she was a little more boyish than I was! In her presence, I retained my sensitive nature while she took the lead, and we explored our childhood landscape together. Away from my cousin, I felt ill at ease amongst other boys, not really jibing with all the things they either liked or disliked – I didn’t fit it as a result. Was I really supposed to be a girl? Hmmm...

At the time, that thought never crossed my mind, but when I crossed the genders via dressing I began to see things more clearly. I was not questioning my sexuality, but there was a definite kinship with the “other” side, for lack of a better definition – the genders were blurred, but, to me, my new contours were sharply defined. I will never actually BE a girl, but perhaps I can get very close to an approximation of one, using dressing as a conduit to the denied (not promised) land. Of course I’m going to dress up, and of course I’m going to question why I’m doing it, but this is the best I can do, under the circumstances – I am a boy who wishes to be a girl, but I can never quite reach my destination...

During the course of the day, there is a chance to crossdress, and I always look forward to it, even after years of doing the same old thing. It’s always special, and it’s VERY special to be a boy who dresses like a girl – this is my identity, free of crisis, an end in itself. In my case, the tactile splendor of crossdressing came first, but the “act” opened up a Pandora’s Box of gender identity issues – these are not unwanted, but, if anything, it makes crossdressing that much more mysterious and...dare I say...beautiful. Through MtF crossdressing I get in touch with the gender I am not, and I can dream about being a girl, at least for a little while. This has a nurturing effect, modifying the “boy” into something I want to be...

Of course, you may have never suffered through a gender identity crisis, preferring to simply dress up and enjoy the experience, but it is my concerted opinion that putting on women’s clothing DOES affect one’s mindset about gender. You can’t help but wonder about things, or yearn for things that are just out of reach – alone, in a new environment of your own making, you come face to face with something that is completely unexplainable. Hold that thought while I continue to dress, OK?

Which came first for YOU? :thinking:

[kimdl93]

for me, the uncertain gender identity was evident long before I ever thought of wearing women's clothing. The thoughts about being a girl may be my earliest recollections...vague as they were at the time. And evidently, things I did around home were noticed by my siblings and parents, because for a time I was teased about being "a house boy" whatever that implied. I gradually learned to recognize and suppress those behaviors that lead to Teasing or rebukes.

Putting on women's clothing has affected my mindset about gender, certainly. For a long time, I just underdressed, and couldn't allow myself to believe that I could pull off a fully feminine presentation. But several years ago curiosity got the better of me and I tried dressing completely feminine for the first time. The results, though a little rough at first, opened my mind to the possibility that I could do this. And as I've grown more comfortable and confident in my presentation, I have to acknowledge that I'm more open to the possiblity of living full time as a woman.

[Angela Campbell]

For me it started around the time I was about 4. I knew I wanted to be a girl and I knew they had different clothes and they would not give those to me. I had friends who were girls and they had the clothes I wanted to wear. They also had barbies, doll houses and so many other toys I could not have. The boys were around too and I played with them but they were no fun most of the time and sometimes they were mean. I knew even before kindergarden I should be a girl but was taught I was not to be one. So I played dress up with my mothers clothes, I played dress up with the barbies and I generally did the things the girls did even though it probably made my life harder. This is why I crossdress to this day more than 50 years later. The desire to be a girl came first then came wearing the clothes. (mostly because when young it is very difficult to get the clothes to wear.) I remember in the bathtub using washclothes as garments. I would drape them across my body as the panties, another for the bra, then a slip then a top and a skirt. I would often get into trouble for using so many washclothes in a bath.

Thinking back now I am sure that i did so because at that young time and frame of mind the clothes were the thing that made a difference between being a boy or a girl.

[Beverley Sims]

Long before I started dressing I used to play tea parties with girls with all of us taking turns to be the visiting mother with a baby.
Although I never volunteered to be mother I was often put in this role and had no objections.
It was all a part of a game. I interacted with the girls as much as with the boys. Maybe I enjoyed being with the girls but never thought that my mother role was sexually oriented. Sometimes I would be dressed up in an evening dress and high heels to go out, this just completed an illusion and was no extra thrill or anything like that. Later when I started dressing things did change
I did have a better interaction with the girls and was the only boy invited to the girls birthday parties.
In return I had both boys and girls at my party, they did not mix well. All about eight at the time.

[Foxglove]

Which came first for you – the gender identity crisis, or the MtF crossdressing?

Did you think of yourself as a girl, wrongly imprisoned in a boy’s body. . .

Given that I put on a dress for the first time at the age of 4, I suppose that gender identity was first. But I don't know that I'd call it a "crisis", nor did I think of myself as a girl. I just did it, without knowing why. There were other things like that in my childhood that indicated there was a gender identity problem, but it was a lot of years before I really started thinking about things. I didn't like thinking when I was young.

But on the other hand, I'd say that in my childhood/youth there was nothing but clothing that indicated that there was a gender identity problem. I never wanted to play with dolls, e.g. Probably the reason for that was that my sister didn't have any dolls, not that I can remember anyway. My sister certainly wasn't a tomboy, but we were a family very much into sports. Always playing lots of different games and going to lots of different sporting events. My mother and sister were into them as much as my dad, my brother and I were. So outward appearances would never have led anyone to guess that I had a gender identity problem.


Honestly, I see very little difference between the sexes, and this helps me to deflect any notions about gender identity.

I see lots of differences between the sexes, and that accentuates my gender identity problem. I'm constantly aware of the gulf between what I am and what I might have been.

Annabelle

[KarenCDFL]

For me it was the GID. The dressing was just a way to match the brain with the look.

I sort of remember as far back when I was 3 or 4 that I wondered why my mom was dressing me like the other boys when I should have been dressed as a girl.

At that time I was trying on my mom's stockings and tights and putting on her lipstick. Always hiding it of course.

I continued to dress up more as private time allowed which is not much when you are a young child.

The big hit came as I got more freedom at 1 years old when I did not need a baby sitter when my mom went out.

The rest is history.

[Lorileah]

I have a feeling this is going to end up as a cut and paste for the majority here. I was about 4 years old and I remember distinctly asking the babysitter (who was the neighbor lady) why they had sewn me shut. Now how a 4 year old only child (and the neighbor lady had 3 sons no daughters) would even know about anatomy is amazing to me. I did not have access to girl's clothing so dressing wasn't an issue. I have always envied I guess females. I wanted what they had (not just anatomy but everything).

Seems that a few years ago the question arose as to when you first knew or suspected that you were in the wrong vessel. And as I remember many responses were 4-6 years old.

[Kerstin]

I never had those 'I should be a girl' feelings at a young age, and AFAIK didn't exhibit typically girly behaviour. My gender consciousness if I can call it that didn't surface until later in life. But for years I've sought opportunities to present as female. I just never thought about it because it was something I was compelled to do, so I just did it without thinking there was anything deeper behind it.

[carhill2mn]

I don't know if the term "gender identity" was even in use when I started "dressing". If it was, I never knew about it until many,
many years later.

[Brittany CD]

I don't have a gender identity crisis, just a regular proud guy. Just want to put on a wig and smile every now and then

[Veronica27]

It appears like I might be a loner on this thread. The dressing came first; well actually the gender identity thing has never surfaced. As a young boy, I mostly ignored girls, had no interest in any of their toys or games and was always quite happy and glad that I was a boy. I had an older brother and sister, but the sister was somewhat of a tomboy, which meant that we were pretty much a family of three boys. Things changed somewhat in our teens as they usually do and my sister became a typical teenage girl, interested in boys and clothes, while I became fascinated by my pubescent attraction to girls, although I was far too shy to do much about it. Besides, my brother, who was my primary role model of boyhood did not bother with girls until he was much older, so I followed suit.

Crossdressing began when my pubescent curiosity and growing attraction to girls began to take over my thoughts. I began to notice all the things they did that were unlike anything boys did, including the unusual clothing they were beginning to wear. The only way to satisfy that curiosity, especially about the clothing seemed to be to explore my sister's things when no one else was around, and I began to try on things like bras and garters. There was a perfectly natural but unwanted sexual component to those early adventures, and I was always frustrated when it got in the way of my explorations. The sexual aspect gradually passed, but it was very difficult to escape the guilt and shame. Lack of opportunity severely limited my dressing, but daydreams and fantasies continued well into adulthood. I never felt any doubt about who and what I was, throughout all these years, and I never experienced any desire to actually be a girl. The desire to have a sexual relationship with a girl continued to grow stronger and stronger and was finally satisfied when I met and married my wife to be.

I don't believe that a desire to experience some of the superficial aspects of womanhood necessarily has anything to do with our awareness of our gender or confusion over our sex. At most, it might represent a slightly higher dominance of some of those elements of our personality that have been deemed by our culture to be feminine than is found in the average male. We are expressing our femininity, but in another time and another place, those same qualities might be viewed as more masculine than feminine.

Veronica

[Samantha43]

My experience is very similar to Veronica's. I have never had a gender identity crisis. I have always identified with males. I have had crossdressing feelings since I was very young and acted on them the first time when I was 12 or 13. I liked girls. I also liked the clothing they wore. It was a little confusing when I was younger, but I got through it without any emotional distress. I met my wife when we were 19. She met Sami a short time later. We have been together for 30 wonderful years.

When I don't have my heels and makeup on, you can find me watching football, woodworking, at the shooting range, under a car hood or drinking beer with my buds at the local watering hole. Pretty much all male stuff. Hanging out with women or shopping really drives me nuts. I came to the conclusion that I will never understand why I like to crossdress a long time ago. It sure is an enjoyable experience though!

[Amy A]

A lot of the questions you ask are ones I have asked myself. I don't know any of the answers yet, but a good friend recently told me thats OK :).

I often read people on here saying that the age of 3-4 was when they first realised they were in the wrong body... I don't mean to question anyone elses experiences, rather just offer my own, but at the age of three I had very little concept of gender, much less the trappings of femininity. I was just me. I don't remember much of how I felt at that time. I was quiet, shy, and overly sensitive. I remember about the age of 8 or 9, seeing some girls on TV and thinking I wanted to grow up like them, and I remember cross dressing from about 11 onwards. I was never particularly good at being a boy; more artistic and creative than sporty, shy rather than confident, a daydreamer rather than a risk taker. My mother even used to call me Daisy when I was very young, and I often wonder whether her more affectionate and emotional treatment of me was a contributing factor in my gender dysphoria (don't get me wrong here, I love my mum and wouldn't change the way she brought me up for the world).

It's a complicated thing and it can be very difficult not knowing how you fit into the world. There's a lot ahead that I'm unsure of, and there's a lot behind me that I regret. My future choices are also further complicated by my love for a woman thats so strong, I often feel like I can't take it any more. Thankfully she loves me for my qualities that couldn't be attributed to masculinity or testosterone.

I do envy some of the members here who are able to view crossdressing as a fun activity and feel happy with their life as a man. I can't actually imagine what life must be like feeling at one with your body and gender.

[Lorileah]

I often read people on here saying that the age of 3-4 was when they first realised they were in the wrong body... but at the age of three I had very little concept of gender, much less the trappings of femininity.

Which to me is a key point. The very idea that a person at the age of 3-4-5 does have a concept of gender makes it seem to me that "gender dysphoria" or "Gender identity disorder" is a real thing. To me it is like many things that when one is old enough to know about, you wonder THEN if it is real or sort of acquired. It does add to the mystery doesn't it? Like if one decides at the age of say 13, is it more a sexual thing? Or at 60 is it more due to aging? Or at 35 because your life is changing? All in all it just reinforces how TGism is different for everyone. But on the other hand so many stories are so similar that there must be a reason.

The last thing we need is more labels. More boxes. It makes an interesting conversation though

[Angela Campbell]

At 4 years old I was quite aware of gender differences...to a point. I could also write all of my abc's and at 5 I was reading...some. (dick and Jane) My Mother was a teacher and so was her sister. I knew girls were different because of the females and males in my life. I did not know the anatomy with the exception of seeing my cousin in the tub (same age) but I knew they dressed differently and had different toys.

I can clearly remember wanting to be a girl, and being told to stop being silly, and having my older brother make fun of me because I played with dolls.

[Ressie]

I never thought I was trapped in the wrong body really. But at 17 I had a strong feeling that I wanted to be a girl. I wore a pair of silky doll's panties for days when I very young, probably 7 or 8, until mom found out.

[Julie Denier]

My experience is very similar to Veronica's. I have never had a gender identity crisis. I have always identified with males. I have had crossdressing feelings since I was very young and acted on them the first time when I was 12 or 13. I liked girls. I also liked the clothing they wore. It was a little confusing when I was younger, but I got through it without any emotional distress. I met my wife when we were 19. She met Sami a short time later. We have been together for 30 wonderful years.

When I don't have my heels and makeup on, you can find me watching football, woodworking, at the shooting range, under a car hood or drinking beer with my buds at the local watering hole. Pretty much all male stuff. Hanging out with women or shopping really drives me nuts. I came to the conclusion that I will never understand why I like to crossdress a long time ago. It sure is an enjoyable experience though!

This is me, too -- I'm all guy, except for the ... you know ;)

[Moxie]

This makes me realize there are definitely two types of crossdressers - those who are transgendered and those who aren't.

My husband is the non transgendered type. I know this for certain now, having finally talked in depth with him about his need to crossdress, and reading here. It's not making my life any easier, but knowledge is power and all that. Sigh.

Anyway, thanks for this thread. It makes me realize that some of the arguments/disagreements I read here are because people are trying to communicate about something that looks the same from the outside, but can be vastly different on the inside. This has been one of those AHA moments, and actually incredibly helpful. :)

[I Am Paula]

Certainly by the time I started school I knew I was diffent. I played with the girls, played dress up with the girls, and all around related to them better. Barbies over baseball anytime. I got teased no end for being girly. By middle school, I did anything I could to get out of gym class, or more importantly, to avoid the locker room/showers. Being naked with the boys was torture, because I thought they could see I was the wrong sex. I discovered dressing to help align the mind and body.- Celeste

[Barbara Ella]

The thought of crossdressing did not enter my mind/life until i was 65. Now it is a vital part of my life, and my life has been broadened in a myriad of ways and I recognize my transgender situation. I recognize my transsexual nature. i suffer a bit because I am not able to do all I think could/should be done about them. Yes, as I now look back in hindsight I can see the signs, which at the time were all interpreted as typical male behavior. Obsession with the female form, drawing it in my youth, enjoying the long legs in hose with high heels, a flash of lace. All that made me horny, dressing does not.

Barbara

[Nicola2876]

As far as I can remember I've felt like I should've been female. I always wanted to be a girl when I was young way before I could understand why. I did wear girls clothes if given the chance. The dressing is just a natural progression I guess. I won't lie about being aroused in my teens by dressing but most teenagers are aroused 24/7 anyway. I dress because it makes me feel more at one with myself. I used to think surely all boys must want to be girls? Why wouldn't they?

[noeleena]

Hi,

What came first, wether i was a boy or girl.i cant answer that in a normal way, because i was born both boy/girl.

What happened after that no idear for 6 / 7 years i have no memory, a mind blank, In & out of hospital,i hit the door lintal then a fall off a males shoulders , i think it was .....my father, not really sure, had no father from age 5 / 6 on ,

Mom & i seperated from Bob was my father i spos, in the begining not that i knew that i was told after,

From age 10 on when my brain started to work i knew what i was, though not the words well it was 55 years ago,

Intersexed, oh yes i knew allright, maybe not much else though, i sure knew that detail, brain saw to that, then,

Things changed 19 years ago. that i knew about many years before i would live as a normal female / woman,

& have done since then, well i had to grow so really i had no issues about myself being what i am ,

It took a while for Jos to accept i really am a woman .8 years to get through that, just yes bloody hard, for Jos.

I spos the ? can be asked did i feel like a male or a female , you wont real honist, nether, because i dont really know,

I dont know what a male is never related to or with them an out sider .

Female i related with & to females yet theres some little details missing, i sort of know deep down just cant put my finger on it, i knew more about being female , that of cause is related to how im wired its just there. i never learned it .

Iv got to be carefull i dont put my maleness down what there is of it , because with out that part of who i am i would not be were i am now , so for what its worth im really a mix of both male / female.

Though accepted fully as a woman.

...noeleena...

[Carol P]

hello, I started dressing when I was 4 or 5. I dressed because I liked the feeling of the clothes(especially pantyhose) and that they looked so different from anything that I was used to wearing.I have never had a gender identity crisis.I like being a bloke, but I love wearing womens clothes.

[Raychel]

Definitly the crossdressing here. No real gender issues, I am a man Feel like a man, no desires to be a woman, just like to wear the clothes,

[deebra]

Frederick, referencing the last sentence in your seventh paragraph you say you are a boy wishing to be a girl, read my post on adolescent and let me/the forum know your answer.

[Sarasometimes]

Interesting post Frederique. For me I just have a need to show my gender expression which is a mix of that which is male and that which is female. When I crossdress I'm trying to show my feminine side and get some sort of acceptance. My male side is always accepted but not so much for the femme side. I have no desire or wish to be a female or live full time so crossdressing is the only need for me. For me there is no second thing associated with gender, just expression. In my world, emulating masculine behaviors and dress is endorsed and viewed positively by society and doing that which is feminine is not! This last statement I'm sure of!

[ChelseaErtel]

Frédérique:

I started dressing in my mother's clothes at about 6 or so. I was caught once and told not to do that is was wrong. I was raised all boy, motorcycles, cars, etc. But, I never took to sports or the normal "guy" things. I was never "all guy". College years were too busy and didn't have any relationships. When I married, I was not very sexual - now here was a heavy hint. I had CD'd prior to marrying, but stopped, started, started...you know.

But, it all came back again and again no matter how much I tried to stop it. I dreamed of wearing women's clothing, having a figure, breasts, shoes, doing makeup, and looking pretty.

I've only just began to truly explore my female side, and she seems to be coming out en force.

So which came first? I guess they came at the same time. Dressing to me is self expression, and most definitely non-sexual. I've now gone two weeks almost 100% dress as a woman and feel a completeness I've never experience. What does that mean for me? Who knows, I'm getting older but I have always been fascinated with TG issues, body modification, sex changes etc. When they had them on the tele, I couldn't help but watch.

If I was younger would I, if I had sought our help would I have changed my sex? Right now, my initial feeling is I'd like to explore full transition - snip snip, HRT, the whole thing. But, I'm in my fifties, bald (hair won't grow back), I get hot all of the time so summer is a sweaty mess and wigs would be torture in summer.

So I'm gong to just continue as I am doing, and meet with some TG/CD groups to help me explore who I am. I'm comfortable being a man, but long to be a woman.

Good god, what the hell has happened to me?

[Angela Campbell]

Certainly by the time I started school I knew I was diffent. I played with the girls, played dress up with the girls, and all around related to them better. Barbies over baseball anytime. I got teased no end for being girly. By middle school, I did anything I could to get out of gym class, or more importantly, to avoid the locker room/showers. Being naked with the boys was torture, because I thought they could see I was the wrong sex. I discovered dressing to help align the mind and body.- Celeste

This sounds a lot like me. I avoided gym class too but not due to them thinking I was a girl but because for some reason I just did not mature like they did. I was smaller (all over short and thin) and mostly hairless until my 20's i guess. My genitals were under developed as well - at 16 I looked like a 10 year old there - and I was really tortured when having to shower or change in front of the other boys. Now that I am dressing fully as a woman these things I thought were so bad are making me feel lucky. Very little body hair, no need to tuck, and generally a more feminine out look on the whole.

[Samantha43]

This makes me realize there are definitely two types of crossdressers - those who are transgendered and those who aren't.

My husband is the non transgendered type. I know this for certain now, having finally talked in depth with him about his need to crossdress, and reading here. It's not making my life any easier, but knowledge is power and all that. Sigh.

Anyway, thanks for this thread. It makes me realize that some of the arguments/disagreements I read here are because people are trying to communicate about something that looks the same from the outside, but can be vastly different on the inside. This has been one of those AHA moments, and actually incredibly helpful. :)

I'm glad we could help! It really is incredible how different we all are.

[Stephanie47]

When I was growing up there were no girls around, except one. I don't know why that happened. It was a big apartment building and for some reason it was all post World War II boys. There were enough boys to get any kind of team going at the drop of a hat. I played all sports, rolled in the dirt, played cops and robbers or cowboys and Indians or war. I had an older brother closed to my age. I got into a lot of trouble. I had a lot of fun. I did develop a tendency to try on my mother's slips that she hung in the bathroom to dry. I liked the feel of the nylon. I had absolutely no desire to be a girl. I excelled in school. In my mid teens I started wearing my mother's clothing. I have no idea why I did that. It was a mixed bag of sexual excitement and self loathing.

Does that mean I was trying to get closer to my mother? Maybe! I don't know. I know she expressed the opinion I was suppose to be a girl to round out the perfect family: husband, wife, son (my older brother) and me. I know I was not the favorite son. I don't know if her displeasure with me was the root of her stern and restrictive behavior. My brother had to endure the same restrictions. However, he was the one to always get the new clothes and bike. I was to follow him to the prestige high school he went to. I rebelled and went somewhere else. I did not follow him into his chosen field. Did this all have an effect on me? I don't know. I did all the masculine things required of life. I was in the infantry in Nam. You can fill in the masculine blanks on that one!

So, I married a very beautiful woman. We were very sexually active. She did participate in a limited way in cross dressing. We bought some nighties for me to wear when the urge resurfaced. She was turned off of cross dressing, when we both found out what cross dressing is about.

I found cross dressing to be a comforting thing for me. It is also a very private affair I have with Stephanie. I really do not seek to have my wife participate. I still do not have any desire to be a woman. However, if I had the choice I would never wear men's clothing unless I had to do a masculine activity. I cannot see myself mowing the lawn in a dress. And, that may be part of the issue. My idea of femininity is stuck in the 1950's and 1960's, the June Cleaver look. I will never wear feminine pants or jeans.

At my age to try to figure out which came first is now not worth the effort. I'd rather do the daily cross word puzzle than try to solve the puzzle of why I cross dress.

[TGMarla]

I was a small, and somewhat unathletic boy, always picked last on the baseball team. This led to a sense of inferiority as a member of the male community. However, it never lent itself to any kind of gender identity crisis.

I back-doored my way into crossdressing. I was actually experimenting for an "ugly" contest for a homecoming event in junior high school. But the hosiery drew me in, and I slowly experimented with other forbidden garments, until I found myself dressing completely from head to toe. I never stopped.

I found such delight in the wearing of feminine attire, I began to wish I'd been female all along, so that I'd have the privilege of wearing such things whenever I wanted and without the social repercussions involved in crossdressing. I wished it was not crossdressing, but rather, simply dressing. There is a part of me that continues to feel this way.

So for me, the dressing came first, but there was an underlying element of dissatisfaction with being male to begin with.

[kimdl93]

Which to me is a key point. The very idea that a person at the age of 3-4-5 does have a concept of gender makes it seem to me that "gender dysphoria" or "Gender identity disorder" is a real thing. To me it is like many things that when one is old enough to know about, you wonder THEN if it is real or sort of acquired. It does add to the mystery doesn't it? Like if one decides at the age of say 13, is it more a sexual thing? Or at 60 is it more due to aging? Or at 35 because your life is changing? All in all it just reinforces how TGism is different for everyone. But on the other hand so many stories are so similar that there must be a reason.


I don't think its a coincedence that this awareness - whatever it is - begins at such an early age. We become self aware around this time, increasingly so as time goes by. Some developmental influences certainly give a sense of who we "are" and what we want to do...to that extent its an innate sense of gender. Unfortunately, for transgendered individuals that self definition doesn't necessarily jive with what our parents, siblings or external genitalia might dictate. The concept that something is 'wrong' is often applied by others and can have such enduring, adverse impacts upon developing children.

[Frédérique]

Thanks for the many responses so far... :)


It appears like I might be a loner on this thread. The dressing came first; well actually the gender identity thing has never surfaced. As a young boy, I mostly ignored girls, had no interest in any of their toys or games and was always quite happy and glad that I was a boy.

This describes my childhood very well, in fact I’m STILL happy that I’m a boy. I might as well get used to the situation, make the most of it, and see what I can do with the materials at hand. I began to dress out of curiosity, but the clothes did generate a brief period of gender identity questioning. The latter tended to magnify many seemingly insignificant (at the time) events that I had experienced, but, over time, I realized that there was no crisis at all...


I don't believe that a desire to experience some of the superficial aspects of womanhood necessarily has anything to do with our awareness of our gender or confusion over our sex. At most, it might represent a slightly higher dominance of some of those elements of our personality that have been deemed by our culture to be feminine than is found in the average male. We are expressing our femininity, but in another time and another place, those same qualities might be viewed as more masculine than feminine.

This is a very difficult (or dangerous) time and place for a male to be expressing anything but masculinity, and officially sanctioned masculinity at that. Since I am obliged (by society) to suppress my natural effeminacy, I assume others have to do the same, and MtF crossdressing can be a kind of relief – society seems to be "managed" by these willful suppressions of natural urges, and any deviance from the norm is met with censure. It’s only clothing, for crying out loud, but clothes are powerful metaphors, as well as the instruments of personal expression. In another time I could’ve be more openly ME, I suppose, but, meanwhile, I’ll carry on as best I can...


This makes me realize there are definitely two types of crossdressers - those who are transgendered and those who aren't.

BINGO! You “hear” very little from the non-TG MtF crossdressers around here, so I make it a point to speak up (write) from time to time. There are plenty of US. I’ve written a lot about the definition of transgendered, trying to highlight variations in the community, but many people insist that crossdressing is a transgendered act, case closed. However, how can you be transgendered if you haven’t experienced a gender identity crisis?
:idontknow:


I dress because it makes me feel more at one with myself. I used to think surely all boys must want to be girls? Why wouldn't they?

These are EXACTLY my thoughts – thanks for putting them into words... :clap:

[elizabethamy]

Like Barbara, I knew nothing until I was oldish. (In my case, 50 something). The feeling of discomfort and alone ness was always there but I had no sense that it might be about gender most of my life. First I crossdressed (at 54), liked it, craved it, did it some more, and asked why, and in the asking began to see myself as GID. Then TG, perhaps TS. What do I do with this? I'm not sure, but like Barbara Ella, I have done a lot of looking back to see what I missed. I see a life that organized itself around traditional female jobs and sometimes female-ish roles, though without the realization or the clothes. I'm much more at peace knowing myself to a greater extent, but still wondering how I missed this all my life. I tend to believe that all CD's have at least a light dose of trans in them, even if they are just doing it for "fun." Rather than two kinds of crossdresers, I think there are many, many kinds, arranged on a continuum that stretches from the ever so slightly less than macho male to the full blown, totally self aware woman in a man's body. I'm not sure we really change, but our understanding of ourselves, and our assessment of ourselves, certainly does.

elizabethamy

[Jamie Ann]

I don't believe that a desire to experience some of the superficial aspects of womanhood necessarily has anything to do with our awareness of our gender or confusion over our sex. At most, it might represent a slightly higher dominance of some of those elements of our personality that have been deemed by our culture to be feminine than is found in the average male. We are expressing our femininity, but in another time and another place, those same qualities might be viewed as more masculine than feminine.

Veronica

Well, of course you’re assuming that you are somehow outside the influences of the culture in which you were raised. Your behavior, according to your thinking, just happens to be feminine in our culture, but it might have been thoroughly masculine in some other culture. The problem is that how our feelings are expressed is always contingent upon what is “normal” in our culture. If the US in 2012, if I wear a dress, then I might be thought to be expressing feminine feelings; but if I had been born in some other culture, then I might be thought to be expressing masculine feelings. I'm sorry, but that is rather naïve!

If I had been born in some other time and place, and if I had other-gender feelings, then I surely would have expressed those in ways consistent with the gender ideas in that other culture. You are not an island unto yourself. Our expression of feelings always takes account of what is accepted in our society and its culture. Culture & gender feelings ―> patterns of dressing. Cultural differences are a crucial part, but not the only part, of what makes us crossdress or not crossdress. Both internal feelings and external cultural understandings matter.

[Krististeph]

MtF dressing, I think. i can still remember in 1st or second grade- at recess we'd play this game like 'capture' or something, the captive being held against the fence by one of the opposing teams, untill your own guy could tag you out or something..

It would be boys against the girls. Yeah, that's how I felt about it too. I had a few 'girlfriends' who seemed to like holding me 'captive', probably because I would smile at them even though they were the 'enemy'. i remember thinking how i wish i could be on their side, but then i would not have had the close proximity.. but i would have traded it to be able to hag out with them. GIdC did not surface until a few years later, though i still did not know what it was.

Simply put- like most CD/TG/TS- i am attracted to anything and anything feminine.

I look at some of the kids today in college- i get a touch of envy that they are able to be 'out' and accepted so much more than when i was in school, but i temper that feeling by knowing at least _they_ are able to do so now.

[LelaK]

This makes me realize there are definitely two types of crossdressers - those who are transgendered and those who aren't.
I agree with those who've added that there are not only those two types of crossdressers, but there are many types of each of those two types, so it appears.

When I was 4 I was disappointed when Mom told me boys can't grow up to be women, but I'm pretty sure there was no great crisis involved. Maybe there was a small, imperceptible crisis. I guess it was perceptible though, if I remember the disappointment. But I don't think I cried or became depressed about it. I just went on being a boy.

I was rather sensitive though and I cried easily. I think both Mom and Dad must have criticized me for crying so much. When I was about 6 I remember the day when I realized I had gone for about a whole week without crying. I was so proud of it, I remember then going and telling Mom I had gone a whole week without crying. I seldom cried after that, except sometimes in private (with few exceptions). In later years I realized it was not an accomplishment. I had merely learned to suppress my emotions. And it was actually cruel and stupid of elders to brainwash kids into doing that. Of course they had been brainwashed by their parents in the same way, so there were equally victimized.

I had a cousin my age who was rather effeminate, way more than I was. He played with the girls during recess, because some of the boys picked on him. I didn't particularly care to play with girls, I guess because I have a Saj Moon, which makes me like more activity than normal. So I was a bit judgmental toward my cousin. I saw him wear his jacket like girls do sometimes, like a cape over their shoulders. And I told his Mom on him when I was visiting him after school one day and she was concerned about that and I think she scolded him for it. He later became a history teacher and got married and I don't know if he ever liked cross-dressing. But I'm the one who liked to play the parts of girls in 4H plays so I could wear pretty dresses in public. Quite ironic.

[DMichele]

When I was about 6 years old or so, I remember women telling my mom that I should have been a girl - refering to my naturally curly hair. In retrospect I wonder if these women sensed my true gender, or perhaps their opinion was a subliminal message of things to come for me.

Around puberty, I remember wanting to be like my sister, who is 3 years older. This desire led me to explore wearing her lingerie, dresses and heels. I was hooked - the materials (nylon panties and stockings, soft dresses) and clothes felt right. I must admit that initially it was arousing, which diminished in time. Also, I can recall during my high school years of being envious of many girls, i.e. wanting to be just like them.

That desire has remained with me ever since, although there were times when it was dormant. But I have been underdressing for the last 20-25 years, and have an ever growing wardrobe of women's clothing, lingerie and shoes. Although mostly in the closet, i wear ladies jeans, pants, and tops after work and weekends.

During my 60th birthday party my sister revealed that she remembered when we used to play dress-up when we were (very) young. Unfortunately, I have no recollection. But interestingly, I came across a photo of myself holding a doll when I was about 5 or 6 years old.

Today, if the gender fairy godmother rendered me female, I would not weep for my past, but celebrate my future.

When I analyze my life, I come to the conclusion that the GID was present from birth.

I hope that psychologists can learn from the sharing on this board, as it is all real-life and far more valuable than the text books that they have been using.

[TxKimberly]

Some of my earliest memories, say from 5 or 6 years old, are of laying bed and crying because I was so sure that I was supposed to be a girl. I remember going to sleep while begging and pleading with God and the Universe to please let me wake up a girl. Lame huh?

It was only years later that I recall actually cross dressing, probably at about 8 or 9. I just remember that I came home from elementary school to an empty house (common for us at the time) and suddenly had this over whelming urge to see what I would have looked like if I'd been born "correctly".

Somewhere along the line I grew up enough to know that I was never going to just wake up as a girl and I "adapted". . .

[sabrinaedwards]

I do feel "gender compromised" in that it's difficult to feel masculine while in high heels, dressed to the nines. I am so euphoric wihile in feminine attire; sometimes in actually frightens me that I love it so much.

[ChristineM]

I don't have a gender identity crisis, just a regular proud guy. Just want to put on a wig and smile every now and then

AOL

Didn't do girl things when I was a kid outside of using my sister's stuff when she and folks were out.

[Veronica27]

I have just returned from a lengthy vacation, and found your reply to my post to be rather confusing as I am reading it somewhat “out of context” as my train of thought has long since left my senility racked senior mind. I think that much of the confusion is the result of the definitions that we each apply to the various terminology. For example, I do not see gender as being a condition possessed by individuals, despite the current usage of the word as being synonymous with sex. Instead, it is a grammatical term applicable to “things” such as objects and behaviours. Some are deemed culturally and socially to be masculine while others are deemed to be feminine. As human beings, we possess a personality which consists of a great many qualities, some of which are dominant while others are more or less recessive. As a result all men possess qualities that could be deemed feminine since they would lead to certain behaviours that are considered feminine. In the same way, all women possess qualities that could be deemed to be masculine.

In the paragraph of mine which you quoted, I was referring to the experiencing of “superficial aspects of womanhood” as opposed to a desire or wish to “be” a woman. I should have emphasized that those are the aspects of womanhood that are prescribed by our society. I do not see such a desire for the superficial aspects as being in any way connected to our gender, since we don’t possess gender as a condition of our being. In addition, it usually has much to do with our awareness of our male sex, and nothing to do with any confusion over our sex, as it is usually that awareness that creates the intense curiosity that leads to the crossdressing behaviour. In another culture, that curiosity may not arise because of different concepts of masculinity and femininity leading to different views of what is suitable for men and women.

Lastly, I referred to the fact that as individuals we all possess our own relative degree of personality qualities that would be deemed by our culture to be feminine. At most, the desire to experience the superficial aspects of womanhood might reflect that “feminine nature” or be driven to some extent by it. But that would still depend upon what the culture deems to be feminine. In such cases we are expressing our “femininity”, depending upon the degree that our personality reflects society’s concepts of femininity, but that is much different than expressing the woman within us, or attempting to “become” a woman through our crossdressing. It is in fact crossdressing versus transgenderism.

Veronica

[ArleneRaquel]

From age 8 or so I new, as must as one "knows", at that age that I wanted to be a female as an adult, not knowing what that would require. So here I am at age 64 leaving my dream, and it is grand.

[Tina B.]

Never had an identity problem, I've always known I was a boy, but I remember around six, finding womens clothing hanging on the back of the door in the bathroom, and I was fascinated by them. I was allowed to lock the bathroom door, so my older brother would leave me alone while I took a bath, so it gave me the chance to try those clothes that I found in there on. Why I ever wanted to is anybodies guess, but I've done it every since whenever I can, except after I grew up, I preferred to have my own.I'm still just a guy in a dress.

[Ally 2112]

I have been facinated with womens clothes since i was about 9 yrs of age .I started wearing about 11 years old .But i always liked tomboys (girls ) and if i actually was agirl probally would of been a tomboy (weird ? ) anyways after i started dressing up thats when i started wondering if i was a boy or a girl ?? .Im still struggling with this question 30 yrs later !But i do love my clothes so i guess for now im ok !:)

[Meghan]

Or maybe you just naturally gravitated towards crossdressing for a myriad of reasons, and you never thought about an identity crisis. You were fascinated by what kind of clothes the girls wore, and slowly, over time, you inched towards the big moment when you would actually step over the line and become a crossdresser. That last sentence describes my initiation into the odd but wonderful world of MtF crossdressing, and I keep my fascination cultivated at all times...

Freddie,

Wow, what an incredible piece of writing here. This is exactly how it happened for me.

I loved my babysitters boots so much that she gave them to me, I didn't know that was wrong though, I thought they were cool. I don't think I really thought about this until I got in trouble for it a couple of times. I think I first remember seeing commercials for Barbies and secretly wishing I could have one. But, yeah, I KNEW what I was doing when I tried pantyhose and makeup on for the first time (for example). I knew I was taking a plunge and there was no going back.

So in summary, got in trouble after gravitating toward girly stuff, then stopped, then jumped in with both feet (in heels).

Meghan

[5150 Girl]

[FONT="Book Antiqua"][SIZE="2"][COLOR="black"]Which came first for you – the gender identity crisis, or the MtF crossdressing?

Did you think of yourself as a girl, wrongly imprisoned in a boy’s body, so crossdressing just naturally emerged as a form of much-needed expression?

Yea, that one right there

[Dawn cd]

For me, the perception that I would rather be a girl came long, long before dressing. I first put on women's clothing when I was a young adult, but my bent toward femininity was present in preschool years. I didn't hate being a boy or hate my male body, but I was attracted to girl activities more than boy activities. I wished I could stay in the house—or maybe cook and go shopping like my mother—rather than "go to work" like my type-A father. When later as an adult I started crossdressing it just seemed "right," as if I was coming home to my true self.

[Joanne f]

As far as I can remember (long time ago now):daydreaming: it was just the dressing that came first as I guess that I was not old enough or wise enough to realise that there was a gender difference , I was then and still am just me and see no difference in what males or females should do differently from each other ( apart from bodily functions) :o so it was latter in life that I started to desire a different body than I have , I sometimes think that it would not change how I think but i think that is a bit unrealistic as it would change the way I act in certain ways and if you act differently you are bound to think differently but it has to be all guesswork as things wont change now :sad:.

[Gaby2]

Which came first for you – the gender identity crisis, or the MtF crossdressing?

Someone, perhaps you Freddy, pondered provocatively a while ago that maybe crossdressing changes some of us men so that we will end up transitioning at some stage.
I found an element of truth in that but I still think, why bother?

As a child of about 4, I remember wrapping nappies around my waist to imitate dresses.
My Mom didn't think twice while dressing and undressing alone at home with us (young) kids playing around in the background - I noticed her bra at times, her tights and skirts... and most interestingly for me now, not her body!
I couldn't fathom why she put on nail polish - but I understood that she loved doing it.

With the onslaught of sexual awareness, CDing was just a minor detail in life.
It was always present but suppressed and guilt-ridden.
This was confounded by the total incapacity of Irish Society in the 70's and 80's to openly and honestly tackle any concept remotely sexual!

One main reason for moving to Germany was the relative freedom and safety I felt here, especially in sexual matters.

CDing played a tragic role in the breakdown of my marriage.
The worst-possible-scenario happened when I got busted by my Ex.
All of this was needless as the "real" issues we had were numerous and not at all CD related.
We just didn't realize in time that we could have sought help.
Thankfully we remain on good terms and our children are our top priority.

Since moving out though, I've been able to allow CDing more room in my life.
Through this, I have become a much happier person.

I like your opening question.
At times I do indeed have a gender identity crisis and this has continually changed and developed as I've gotten older.
Was it there at the beginning?
I don't know.

:hugs:Gaby

[sometimes_miss]

Which came first for you – the gender identity crisis, or the MtF crossdressing?
Other people crossdressed me first; my mom when I was a toddler, my abuser when I was a school age child. But it wasn't long before I was doing it on my own, believing that god had made a mistake, and that I was really supposed to be a girl. I suppose it was in part to show god that I would be good at being a girl, in the hopes that he'd 'fix' me. Needless to say, that never happened, I'm still waiting.

[sabrinaedwards]

Hi Frederique, as I age I think more of my gender identity. I would not call it a crisis, but as my lifetime maximum approaches, I think of how much I would like to spend time as a "girl." Tonigt I am dressed from my head to my waist as a girl, and I love thinking that I could be all girl if you know what I mean. Tomorrow it's back to being totally male, and I dread it! I have a purple swing dress and red hat, and I would love to form a "red hat" group for CD's.
Love, Sabrina

[Nathalie Antoinette]

I don't believe I've ever seriously considered changing my gender identity. But, I have often thought about what it would be like to be a woman and to be desired as woman by a straight man. I was married for many years, but left the marriage and have identified as gay for the last 15 years. I'm really just beginning to experiment with crossdressing (a late bloomer), so who really knows where this might lead.

[CynthiaD]

I always have trouble with the term "trapped in the wrong body." I think of myself as female even though I have male body parts. I don't see anything wrong with my body. True, there are times I wish I had female body parts, but not often.
There are definite advantages to being able to present as male at times. I suspect there are reasons for being the way that I am, but I can't fathom what they are. I believe that being a female with male body parts is a legitimate part of the human spectrum. It's not something I need to worry about or agonize over, and it's definitely not something tha needs to be "corrected."

[Mona]

The dressing came first for me though when I look back there were clues when I was younger. The feelings while dressed led me to explore and accept my transgenderism, before I was acting the part of a male but it was always acting, just didn't realize it at the time.