Confusion

[Delila]

I am sort of really confused. I am a crossdresser but I sometimes hate being male and I mean everything about being male I hate my genitalia I hate all of it. However the rest of the time I am comfortable with what I am. This has been what I have felt for years sometimes wanting to dress up and when I want to dress up I usually hate everything male about myself but once the urge has passed I am ok with being male. I will admit that I am rarely good with being male just ok with it. To my mind that is sufficient to leave doubt that I am transgendered. I know there is nothing fool proof but any advice would be amazing at this point. Is this my true self trying to come out or am I just fated to be split down the middle? Again I know nobody can really answer such questions for me but I would appreciate even speculation at this point.

[suzy1]

I think I can understand how you feel Delila as I am the same in a way.
But in my case I have come to love who I am. I have become comfortable with being a mix of male/female.

If you could stop hating yourself and instead except and enjoy the special person you are then life would be better for you.

You sound like you are transgendered but why is that a problem. I love it!:)

Suzy trying to be a therapist:eek:

[KellyJameson]

Hate is a strong word and could come from many places.

Most of the problems in life are the same whether you are a man or woman.

You still must eat, deal with illness and cruel people, make money, find friends,reasons for living ,love, the list is endless.

Much of life is about learning how to solve problems and it is difficult for just about everybody, the problems may be different from person to person but there are still problems.

It is tempting to try to escape thinking the grass is greener but the grass is just different.

Ask yourself if you blame your genitalia for your problems and if it was different how would that change your life and why do you want those changes, what will you gain?

What is "being male" and how do you feel you fail at being male?

If you had the body of a woman how would you live your life ? What would you do that you are not able to do now?

How do you feel about being labelled a feminine man ?

These questions do have answers partly through using your imagination and that will lead to the truth of who you are.

The danger is not to use fantasy to think that being a woman is better than being a man because it is not and often is much more difficult but at the same time finding the courage to discover and accept who you really are even if it means life will be more difficult as a woman.

[abigailf]

If not already doing so, see a gender therapist. A good therapist will go a long way in helping you to come to terms with who you are.

The confusion you are experiencing is normal. I was there as were many people from this forum based on their many stories I had read. It is a part of growing and learning.

Keep in mind that as good at this forum is, there is one thing about it that is a double edged sword; the anonymity. Being anonymous gives us courage to say things we would not normally have. However, we need to learn how to use that courage in the real world. You are not likely to get that from an online forum. That is where a real in person therapist would helpful.

They are like a stepping stone from the non-physical world of the internet to that of the more tangible real world in which we conduct our daily lives. They provide a level of anonymity that will allow you to be comfortable and yet they are part of your tangible world.

The only person that is going to be able to answer those questions for you is you. Take comfort however in knowing that your confusion is a normal part of discovering your real self and in time the answers will come.

[I Am Paula]

Being born at a time when there was no other options, I spent a long time hating every minute of being male. I tried really hard to slowly drink myself to death. It just took one councillor at rehab to turn me around. Aside from sobriety, I learned to accept my male body (still grudgingly), and let Celeste loose on a unsuspecting world. Every case is different, and it may take awhile to find what works for you, be it transition, or finding another outlet. Experiment and find your comfort level, and in my opinion, some councilling may help. We are each unique, so you may find that split down the middle is who you are, and come to accept it. Best of luck- Celeste

[kimdl93]

Maybe the problem is what you perceive as "being male" or being transgendered. Perhapse you can define your own version of gender that reflects you uniqueness. Who says it has to be either or.

[Rianna Humble]

I am sort of really confused. I am a crossdresser but I sometimes hate being male and I mean everything about being male I hate my genitalia I hate all of it. However the rest of the time I am comfortable with what I am. This has been what I have felt for years sometimes wanting to dress up and when I want to dress up I usually hate everything male about myself but once the urge has passed I am ok with being male.

Hi Delia, at the risk of adding to your confusion, have you considered that you may be Transgender but not Transsexual? Why does it have to be black or white? What is wrong with a nice shade of grey? Or even 50 of those :heehee:

Take, for example, the experience of ReineD's SO, she is not just male or female, she is bi-gender (or dual gender if you prefer). Transitioning to fully female would almost certainly be as much of a mistake as pretending to be male was for me.

Don't try to shoehorn yourself into the gender binary, explore who you are then celebrate the diversity.

[Barbara Ella]

I have no doubt that some hate their male side. I do not know if that fits you or you just grabbed the first word that seems to cover your distaste or uncomfortableness with the male side. i also suspect that these feelings are not loong term, but have come up only in recent years. If so, you are going through a tremendous confusion as you struggle to find a balance that works for you. A therapist is a good recommendation. Time is on your side as the more you can hang in there, the more likely you will begin to see some answers. Please just try to enjoy your femme time, and don't put too much on the male side right now. You will find your balance.

Barbara

[noeleena]

Hi,

I dont understand what its like to be a male Psychologically ,& Emotionally. iv tryed to.

This hate , i understand that very well. because i was dressed as a male percived as one . yes worked as one that part was okay i enjoyed my work very much, yet to be a male, no way was i there, nothing i could relate to or even percive .

Yet i learned from those men i was under, things that would serve me very well at a later time, & that has proved to be true.

I did not hate my body because it was to an extent in line as a female not every thing of cause, that came later with many surgerys,

The one detail is dont hate your self you need to love your self you need to see we may not be perfect im not thats for sure,

Yet to be who i am i had to love myself to even get through the issues that were to come my way, yes 55 years of training ,& im not done yet, I can tell you of issues you dont wont to know .I know what its like,

& you know what iv been able to come through all that & be able to live my life in a way thats so removed from what i was before, well percived as,

Had i not loved myself & looked after my body i know things would have been very different again & not so good,

To me its not about dressing or being trans, or like myself its about who you are, as a person first, .you see sometimes we
...need .... to look a little further up the road to see where we are going instead of looking down at our feet,

Try & put aside your thoughts about your self & parts of our body yea i know youll say i just cant do that. well can i say train your self,,put a perspectve on the detail & think ,

Okay i can work through this till such a time the detail or problem becomes a non issue, , I ...had... to do this many times, till i saw what was so much more importaint till it did not matter in my case many surgerys, Ill tell you now its not easy though you will get there, when you set your mind to it,

The most importaint detail is ...love ... your self , okay.... get it. i hope you do.

...noeleena...

[Stephenie S]

Hate is such a negative emotion. It has no place in anyone's life. It will poison every aspect of your existence. If you truly hate, you need help. Therapy might be a good idea. To lead a productive life, you need to love yourself. This is so important.

S