I've told my employer about my Transgender issue - they couldn't be more supportive

[ChelseaErtel]

Hi All:

I vaguely told my employer that I had a personal problem that would would be live changing for me and my family.

The HR manage called me and she told me after I told her my secret, that her husband was transsexual. What a relief and what a great place to work. But I felt so bad for her, just as I do for my wife. She is still friends with her ex and no family troubles - all accepting.

At least the work part will be easy to deal with. She's even willing to help with my wife and give her support.

You just never know. Oh, the slop, she is a getting slipperier.

Now we'll see what the psychologist says.

[kimdl93]

it is getting a little more complicated, isn't it Chelsea. I think you've taken a wise path in consulting with HR and getting the help of a psychologist. If gender issues are out of her/his experience, perhaps they can refer you appropriately.

[Jilmac]

I think many employers are starting to realize that a person's sexual or gender identity doesn't affect the quality of their work. I believe in the past there was more fear and prejudice leading to workplace animosity, and employers would simply take the easy road and fire the person who didn't fit into the corporate mold. Thanks to our gay brothers and sisters for standing up to the corporate giants and allowing us to be ourselves.

[Beverley Sims]

I certainly think you will get some traction on the slippery slope now.
You appear to be getting on well and to have HR behind you is really great.
Still tread carefully though.

[CharlotteX]

Good for you, landing in a workplace that is supportive. It can be a surprise in a modern world like ours. I remember coming out in the auto shop where I used to work, probably the most masculine workplace ever, and finding nothing but support. Isn't it weird how this works sometimes?
Hope everything goes smoothly for you and you meet support wherever you go.

[Jenniferathome]

Chelsea, you told your employer but NOT your wife? I think you have your priorities backwards. Your wife and family come first, whatever it is you disclosed to HR your wife should be a partner to it. She will be furious if she finds out that she was second to know.

I know you said your wife may divorce you if you tell her, but you owe it to her now. I hope that conversation goes well.

[ChelseaErtel]

Jennifer: I didn't intend to tell, I just inquired about company policies, I was deliberately vague, but he HR manager called me straight away. I was surprised given there are thousands of employees where I work. Anyway, she confided when she guessed my issue and then I told her. I agree, but they will keep it private and do nothing until I talk to my wife.

The HR manager and her ex-husband are members of one of the same support groups close to where I live. It's a small community, could easily have met them at one gathering. Enough rationalization already.

Nonetheless, I agree. I'm not sure what to tell my wife, or for that matter my employer until I get some help sorting myself out. HR is on hold until I meet with my psychologist. I don't think I'm just a CD, but the more and more I look into my life and all that has happened and how I feel, I may very well be transsexual.

I won't be discussing my work with my wife in any case, she knows they are very supportive on family and personal issues. So, the next step is tell my wife. I love your letter you wrote your wife and will follow with something similar, but I think I'll need some support and my wife will too.

Thanks again, I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

[kimdl93]

I do think it was wise to first seek some counseling before tackling this issue with your wife. From my experience, the psychologist's role isn't to "tell you what you are", its to help you clarify your thinking and as mine once said "help you accept reality". Your wife is part of that reality, and your counselor may be able to help you learn and practice communications tactics that will help when you begin to explain yourself to your wife. Your counselor may also help you deal more constructively with the emotionally charged conversations that may ensue.

AS for being Transsexual, please remember that transgenderism in its broadest sense covers a wide range of characteristics. The point of counseling isn't so much to label you, but to help you live a content and productive life.

[Stephanie-L]

Something similar happened to me recently. I had requested a month off for my FFS, all vacation requests for longer than two weeks have to be approved by the manager. I told him it was so that I could have surgery, and he approved it immediately without asking what kind of surgery. The only question he asked is if it was medically necessary or elective as the paperwork would be different. I had already talked to corporate HR confidentially, so I had no problems there. When he asked me, I decided it was easiest just to tell him. He was very supportive, in fact he told me I was not the first TS to work in our division. He also told me that he has a friend that he went to school with who works with Marci Bowers (we are an anesthesia group). So, now that I am out to him, I can plan on my coming out to the whole division, sometime just before I have my FFS.
I do agree that your wife needs to be told, and the issues between the two of you need to be settled one way or the other before you go any further. I wish you luck with that, it is not easy.

And BTW, FFS is considered elective surgery, so I cannot take FMLA for it, but I will have enough time off saved by then.

Good luck to you.............Stephanie

[TGMarla]

Just be careful. The law says they have to be supportive, but companies often find other ways to get rid of undesirables. Hey, maybe your reading of this is correct, and you'll be pleasantly surprised. I'm just saying you should keep your guard up and your wits about you. Employment can be a mine field for the transgendered.

[JenniferR771]

So true; don't take chances. It costs money, but see a lawyer in advance. Know and understand your rights and responsibilities. A friend of mine wanted to go full-time dressing at work. HR said, fine. His/her boss fired him, for some other reasons.

[ReineD]

Hi Chelsea, I couldn't agree more with Jenniferathome. I hope you tell your wife sooner, rather than later. She will likely appreciate meandering through all of this with you, rather than be told after you've done all the work and the planning yourself, that you are transsexual and would like to transition.

When you joined the forum last month, you said several times that you were a crossdresser, that your wife didn't know, and that you were happy as a man. Has anything specific happened in the last month to make you believe that you may be transsexual now?

[ChelseaErtel]

Has anything specific happened in the last month to make you believe that you may be transsexual now?

Yes, I started to look at myself and figure out who I am and what I am. I thought about when my mother caught me dressing in her clothes, my early fascination with anything to do with TG issues, years of cross dressing, my relationship with my wife and my lack of sexual enthusiasm to name a few. I don't know if I'm just a CD or a transsexual or something in between. I hope to find that out from my therapist.

I just can't tell my wife now until I figure things out more - I just wouldn't be able to tell her. Once I am certain what I am, my therapist and I will work on a plan on how on how to best tell her. I know I am a CD, but beyond that I'm not certain about anything. After reading about CD and Transsexualism, on this forum and other places and books, I "think" that I may be more than a CD, but I need a professional.

I hope to tell her sooner than later, it's only fair to her. I do not think she'll want anything to do with me once the jig is up. If I tell her I am a Transsexual, I'm 99.99% sure that will do it. She is not that liberal and understanding of these things. She would find it "too weird" as she has said about other TG things in the past. But, she needs to know I agree. My therapist does not think I should say anything yet until we are both more certain. Once it's certain, my wife will be told, by me in person. "IF" there is anything that is going to change with me (full time CD, TG, Transsexual, or nothing), she is will be included if she wants to participate.

To respond to JenniferR771: "If" I go full time, it will only be after I am completely ready to make a transition if that's the decision and I have gone through electrolysis, hair replacement (really good wigs), HRT have me prepared to present and pass as a woman. But that is years down the road if at all. My employer is a non-profit that works with the US government and has to follow all government rules and regulations. They are very liberal and go way beyond the required laws and regulations on these matters. Probably couldn't have picked a better place for this to happen - even better than if I hadn't retired from federal service already.

[ReineD]

Well good luck with figuring it all out! :) No one here can determine whether or not you are TS, obviously. But, in addition to talking to your psychologist, you may want to visit the TS section, to ask some of our post-op transwomen specifics about post-op life: with jobs, relationships, other family members, kids, friends, society in general, eventually dating others, etc.

That said, in the CDing section (just in case you're not TS), I've seen the following scenarios over and over again, and this may help you look at it from a different angle. Please understand that I'm simplifying here, for brevity's sake.

Scenario One: Crossdresser (in his late 40s), tells his wife (or in my case, his girlfriend), very early in the relationship. Wife or girlfriend is accepting. There are no restraints on presentation, there's complete freedom in and out of the bedroom, plus lots of outings in public, either alone or with me. Also, over the years the CDer has gotten to know many people who do not know him in guy mode. He goes out enough and has made enough friends in femme mode to know that people know that he is not a genetic female, but this does lose it's importance after a while, since she has come to feel the same way internally whether she is dressed or not. Going out and interacting with others as herself has become a part of her ordinary routine so much that she can't wait to take forms, corsets, pads, etc off when she comes home. :p S/he is happy and engaged in his/her life both as a male and a female alternatively.

Scenario two: This crossdresser is constrained. Wife or girlfriend doesn't know, the clothes are hidden, he can't dress whenever he wants to, which makes him feel edgy, maybe even angry. So an escape is a fantasy life, which makes his drab life seem even more unappealing in comparison. Flat. He loses interest in other pursuits because he looks forward to his next outing so much. Also, since he is rather constrained, going out among strangers has become a blissful experience, which makes his male life seem all the more hum-drum and unappealing.

[ArleneRaquel]

Chelsea,
Best wishes hon.
Your Girlfriend,
ArleneRaquel :):battingeyelashes:

[Mollyanne]

Good Luck to you whatever decision you make. This life of ours is not an easy one and sometimes it can be devastating as well.

Molly

[ChelseaErtel]

I was talking to my HR manager today, she has a transsexual ex-husband, and is helping me with my gender issues. (My company has transitioned more than 15 TS ladies and is extremely accommodating). She said my story is almost identical to hers. She didn't flip out when told, but it was hard for her. Anyway, it was nice to just tell her I liked her shoes and earrings and not having to be embarrassed or though weird. She looked very smart and we talked clothes for a while then she told me her story in more detail and I told mine. Amazingly intimate conversation and I'm very luck to be working there.

She was pleased that I'm seeing a therapist and that we will be working on how to tell my wife when we know more. It's a long slow process, and having someone at work to talk to - and being a GG - provides so much comfort. Her husband wanted to continue being a couple, but she could not be that way with another woman. I know that my wife would never accept a TS and most likely not a CD either. But, I'm going to hope for the best and see how it plays out.

I was feeling down over the weekend being in drab so Sunday morning when I got up at 5 am, I dressed in a simple frock, did my weekday face and read the paper until I heard commotion up stairs (I have a built in alarm clock in the dogs, they make a racket anytime someone begins to wake). Underdresssing I find just does not do it for me, not the same thing. I have a meetup with a TG group Saturday to look forward to, should be fun.

[heatherdress]

Chelsea - You might need to be careful about continued intimate conversations with a manager at work sharing a lot of personal information and feelings. There are records kept and possible negative consequences, even in progressive companies. Maybe you are releasing too much information about your confused gender issues, personal life and marriage issues. These are red flags in most companies. Maybe you should not be telling her that you like her shoes and earrings, and talking about female clothing. In most work environments, it is considered inappropriate for males to make comments about female employee's attire. Please be careful and more discrete.

You are seeking help which is good. You also seem to be moving rapidly in every direction trying to find yourself, finding CD activities and support groups, exploring work consequences - but you are avoiding a most important honesty issue with your spouse. It might take months, or longer, to find the answers to the gender issues you have mentioned. Why are you putting yourself through the torture of hiding all you are doing and the soul-searching that it takes? It is not going to be any easier, no matter how much more you learn. I wish you the best. Good luck, Chelsea.

[CONSUELO]

Well good luck with figuring it all out! :) No one here can determine whether or not you are TS, obviously. But, in addition to talking to your psychologist, you may want to visit the TS section, to ask some of our post-op transwomen specifics about post-op life: with jobs, relationships, other family members, kids, friends, society in general, eventually dating others, etc.

That said, in the CDing section (just in case you're not TS), I've seen the following scenarios over and over again, and this may help you look at it from a different angle. Please understand that I'm simplifying here, for brevity's sake.

Scenario One: Crossdresser (in his late 40s), tells his wife (or in my case, his girlfriend), very early in the relationship. Wife or girlfriend is accepting. There are no restraints on presentation, there's complete freedom in and out of the bedroom, plus lots of outings in public, either alone or with me. Also, over the years the CDer has gotten to know many people who do not know him in guy mode. He goes out enough and has made enough friends in femme mode to know that people know that he is not a genetic female, but this does lose it's importance after a while, since she has come to feel the same way internally whether she is dressed or not. Going out and interacting with others as herself has become a part of her ordinary routine so much that she can't wait to take forms, corsets, pads, etc off when she comes home. :p S/he is happy and engaged in his/her life both as a male and a female alternatively.

Scenario two: This crossdresser is constrained. Wife or girlfriend doesn't know, the clothes are hidden, he can't dress whenever he wants to, which makes him feel edgy, maybe even angry. So an escape is a fantasy life, which makes his drab life seem even more unappealing in comparison. Flat. He loses interest in other pursuits because he looks forward to his next outing so much. Also, since he is rather constrained, going out among strangers has become a blissful experience, which makes his male life seem all the more hum-drum and unappealing.

Or yet another scenario: CD tells partner before marriage and seems to be accepted. Get married and assume it is OK to go about house dressed and is told that is not acceptable. It all comes down to communication with knowledge so that all aspects are properly explored. I wish that I knew then what I know today.

[ChelseaErtel]

I'd have to tell you more about my employer for you to understand better. She invited me to talk about this issue as a friend and someone who has gone through many of these issues. My company does not work in the way in which you are warning about, just take my word for it - I know this as a fact.

She actually told me much more than I told her, and the clothes issues came from that conversation, it came out logically and naturally. Please don't worry, but I appreciate your concern.

Anyway, my therapist and I are going to figure out a best guess on how to best tell my wife. We still need more time to figure out exactly what to tell her. I also have to plan for the worst and protect myself. None of this is easy, and there are no absolutes in any of this.

I would hate to tell my wife one thing, and find out later I was wrong. One thing that my therapist and I have agree on is, now is NOT the time to tell her.

[ReineD]

Or yet another scenario: CD tells partner before marriage and seems to be accepted. Get married and assume it is OK to go about house dressed and is told that is not acceptable. It all comes down to communication with knowledge so that all aspects are properly explored. I wish that I knew then what I know today.

Then her impression of what it was in the beginning, was not what it turned out to be. I also had a very superficial understanding of what it meant when my SO first told me about it, and I had to stretch a great deal in order to learn that it was more than just putting on girl's clothes once in awhile. If your wife does not want to be involved with the CDing or she doesn't want to know about it, then you fall under scenario #2.

[ChelseaErtel]

I'm sure it does fall under a scenario, but I'm going to let the professional help me figure that out. I have two TS friends one of which works with me and I have been corresponding with two others. It is a huge relief to talk about my issue with someone one on one.

One if them told me to go to HR to find out our policies and not to worry.

In any case, I am proceeding very slowly and won't be making any drastic decisions. And no decisions based on this or any forum. It's great as a guideline, but way too complicated to relate everything in posts as you stated in the simplified scenarios. I have gained a lot of valuable, thoughtful advice from here but at this point I just have rely on my therapist(s).

It's all very good food for thought. Again, thanks for taking the time to write down your thoughts, it greatly appreciated.

[Kate Simmons]

Just one thing my friend. Just be sure that this is what you want and not the process seducing you. We walk a fine line sometimes with that. This is why once I knew for certain, I realized transitioning was not for me as I had other options available to express myself and to demonstrate who I am inside on the outside.:)

[jsunic_1978]

employers can get rid of you only if they dont like you. If people had have had a bad attitude all the time, that usually takes consideration

[ChelseaErtel]

Just one thing my friend. Just be sure that this is what you want and not the process seducing you. We walk a fine line sometimes with that. This is why once I knew for certain, I realized transitioning was not for me as I had other options available to express myself and to demonstrate who I am inside on the outside.:)

I have made absolutely no decisions. The meeting HR today was social. Before it was if I have to move out, I may need to work remotely from PA for a while and wanted to get that set up.

So, rest assured, I am not leaning one way or the other. I'm not even sure of my complete feelings really. So, the only thing I am committed to is:

1. Continued therapy with my psychologist.
2. Once the psychologist and I get to a point where I understand my feelings and what I am, then we will figure the best way to tell my wife.
3. Then I'll duck and cover (attempt at humor, so I'm laughing)

My employer love's me, outstanding ratings each year and I really can retire anytime (again) I choose. I just don't want to not work.

The transition process is not even a consideration at the present. I've read a great deal about is over the years, so I have a fair idea what is involved and the huge risks, but, as I said I'm not worrying about that now. At least I know work, no matter what I decide, will be supportive and work with anything that is required.

[Shelly Preston]

This thread is now closed