Delusion as a catalyst

[Inna]

Well, is that time again folks, so fasten your seat belts, place your trays and seatbacks in upright position and.......................wait, or are you suppose to brace for impact????? LOL

As I made my way to visit a good friend and an openly transgender girl, simply because she is in such middle that her determination to stay or go, at the moment is stuck in the middle.
We met at the LGBT resort for a night out with other girls, mostly of the same predicament as my friend.

At one point, as I was sitting at the table with the rest, a tall, bulky, gal walked in, adored in glimmering shimmering silver night gown, opaque black stockings and silver glitzy Mary Jane heels. I say "she" out of respect, however there was simply nothing which could provoke seeing her as, well, HER. Her steps were so clumsy and her balance unfounded, that it was rather comedic and funny to observe.

I somehow felt embarrassed for her, then quickly regained my senses, and smiled at her acknowledging my acceptance.
But something shook me to the core, as I remember looking in the mirror and seeing this wholesome girl then years later woman, and every time I would dress, I have seen this beautiful image of her, however delusional and unreal.

Then one day, near the end, when denial was no longer strong enough to hold me back, I, for the first time looked at the mirror, and had seen my real self, a manly male adorn with womans clothing, I simply broke down in tears and fell to my knees saying "what are you doing?"

But time had passed and long story longer, after embracing the path towards transition, I kept this delusion alive, how could I not, for every image of me as a male was dreadful and disheartening.

This is my take, and these here, my emotions, however the question at hand,

Is it absolutely necessary for this delusion to work its magic so that transition would be somewhat tolerable and survivable as oppose to loosing sanity in the process?????


The same mechanism

[kimdl93]

I can't answer the last question, but I do suspect that a capacity for self deception makes it possible for me to look in the mirror without cringing in pain and enables me to walk out the door, exposing my feeble attempts to emulate femininity to the world. But I do avoid shimmering silver gowns!

[TerryTerri]

This is an interesting question. My mindset and framework on this has been sort of different and I don't think it is giving me quite the same conflict or need for delusion. Although looking in a mirror and seeing the 'man' stareing back at me is still disheartening. Anyway, I see my 'condition' as a birth defect. I was born with the wrong gendered body. I see this more as a physical dilemma than anything else at this point. My 'transition' consists of adapting and disguising my body, voice, etc. so that I pass as female in the outside world. I am female, with a male body and I so I see the problem as adapting and disguising my physical birth defect.

[Laurie Ann]

Most people think we are basically delusional so why not use it to help ourselves.

[STACY B]

I always wondered what kind of force would drive someone to dress like that in public ? It must be a STRONG ONE ? For someone to have the courage to just throw caution to the wind ,,With such a Drive in there Mind to do that is Awesome ,,Can you imagine the people with other drives like that ? That's how people make great inventions I guess ,,, When you get the itch to dress an the Fog has got cha there is no holding you back ,,An sometimes you couldn't throw the same person out the door with that outfit on ,,,It's a mind set I guess Hormonal drive ,,Always wanted to harness that drive an power . An just save it for when You want it to come out ,,That's the only problem ,,It has a mind of it's own ,,, I guess that's what the HRT is for ? Balance ? Instead of hard one way an then hard over the next ?

[abigailf]

We are our worst and best critics. Yet someday's I will go out and I don't care how I look, just as long as I still feel like a woman.

Sometimes we just need to do what makes use happy.

[KellyJameson]

The problem with delusion is it cuts both ways.

Is my gender identity less real because my facial features look feminine so because of this I assumed I must be female who was born without breasts and a vagina?

I was tormented all throughout childhood for looking like a girl so did this cause my gender dysphoria in that people called me a girl so I accepted their label?

At some point in my opinion you have to ignore the body and your past to discover the gender that was there from the beginning

I had difficulties with a professional diagnosis because as a child it was determined I also had aspergers so they believed it was the aspergers that created the gender dysphoria.

I had so many people telling me so many different things I almost went insane from the confusion it caused me where I should have said F... it and just did what felt right for me.

Delusions are very important to protect our sanity from the insanity we are born into

Beauty and physical appearance are separate from gender but to discover gender you need the delusion that protects you from the lies of the mirror not only if you are not pretty like a woman but if you ARE pretty as a woman because both can distort ones perception of "emotional reality"

Being beautiful is nice because it opens doors, people are drawn to you and other social benefits but if we live long enough we all become old and "less beautiful" and if gender is transient like beauty there will be much future pain.

In public as a woman I have more freedom to be me and in private the mirror reflects back to me the person who my heart feels they always have been but if this changes as I age than I will be in serious trouble.

Delusions will save your life until you are able to make the delusions real but you must be sure of your heart.

When I knew I would rather be an ugly woman than a beautiful man that was when I became more sure of my feelings.

Here is an example of a delusion in my opinion. "He" identifies as "male" but is a female impersonator named Derrick Barry and in this link he talks about protecting "her" and in my VERY humble opinion he does not yet accept "her" transsexuality but the emotion betrays the truth. I have felt this exact emotion where I was protecting my true self against the world without accepting the deeper truth of being transsexual so I was living a split existence of trying to be both. I certainly could be wrong about Derrick but time will tell.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LS99Ppb6ttw&feature=fvwrel

[melissaK]

Inna sweetie, you always make my head hurt.

Seeing man in dress in mirror is a real problem for me. I have more of a perfectionists eye than not - at least more so than most people around me. I see flaws quickly, in most everything. So I'm fine til I see a mirror. It's an issue in the way of transition. Has been for scores of years.

I dare say had I known at 23 what I knew at 38, or looked at 38 like I did at 23, I would've transitioned. Between 25 and 35 male hormones added beard coarseness, body hair, receeding hairline, etc. So at 38 when my knowledge of TS issues expanded and I first explored transitioning, the mirror scared me off. I guess my point relevant to your point is, maybe I need more of the fantasy. I don't have any.

Instead, just not giving a darn what others think because I can't go on caring what they think anymore, is what is driving my transition now. But a little fantasy wouldn't hurt.

[docrobbysherry]

Inna, if you're delusional, I'm crazy! I started dressing about 15 years ago out of the blue. Not really dressing per se, I wanted real breasts and fantasized about becoming a female. My mirror was killing me, tho! I couldn't stand the old man-in-a-dress standing there!

Now, years later, both of us have become pretty women. You, a real one. Me, satisfied being a pretend one wearing masks in my mirror!

So, who's delusional now!?

[Inna]

I just remembered looking at the truth mirror, at the therapists office, and describing the dreadful image I see, provoked by therapists insistence.
As I finished, she looked at me and described all the positives I supposedly was fortunate to already have. However, such positive spin made me feel happy, after returning home, I glanced at the mirror and deciphered that my therapist must had been delusional, lol.

Well, as it turns out, delusion or emphasis on positive which isn't really there is used by therapists to ease the psychological pain and anguish a bit for more smooth transition. (My own take on the therapists comments)

[Inna]

Inna, if you're delusional, I'm crazy! I started dressing about 15 years ago out of the blue. Not really dressing per se, I wanted real breasts and fantasized about becoming a female. My mirror was killing me, tho! I couldn't stand the old man-in-a-dress standing there!

Now, years later, both of us have become pretty women. You, a real one. Me, satisfied being a pretend one wearing masks in my mirror!

So, who's delusional now!?

LOL hon, I was referring to delusion as part of transition process. I am not done with transition, however the delusional period is over, now I have entered the period of a false "GRANDEUR" :doh:

[noeleena]

Hi,

Delusional . another word that has no meaning for me at all . gee look what i missed out on.
& my mirror allways tells the truth, & there is no male looking in the mirror or looking back.nore is there a woman looking in or back at me.

& that is how people who know me see it as well. they know my beauty is with in. how else would i be accepted, on looks alone .... he he .... dought that,

You get involved with people you spend time with them you pass the time of day with them & have a cupper . what do they really see, they hear understand & know a woman.

so mirror, mirror on the wall whos the one looking in .( mirror.) its not the one looking in, its the one behind the one looking in that is seen,.......

&.... that.... is the one who is accepted,

...noeleena...