Hair..... Yup I colored it.

[BreenaDion]

On HRT for 3 yrs now an no name change yet. Ya im broke as hell but hell it has been. That is a story of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder that all these dr's an therapists don't seam to give a hoot about. Having forty flashbacks a day wasn't bad enough I got hit by a car while riding my bicycle and dam it shot up over 100 a day.
Yes I was totally sick but there is a silver lining in every accident so I went looking for it. Patient zero as the C.D.C. calls it and I some what found it, sorta. So every time I feel a flashback coming on I dig out my mp3 player an turn on Lady Gaga's album " Born This Way " and look for Hair. The first song I listen to also helps and is kinda what happened to me as a child but many times worse.

Thursday was my appointment with that evil witch of a gender expert, ya right. So I told her I was thinking of coloring my Hair Blue!!! What the hell she fed me the riot act about not being noticed as a trans woman. That 90 minute lecture only gave me the fuel to do it. So I did but I asked around about what damage is to your Hair and that was eye opening, part about Hair falling out in clumps

I took Tammy's advise and colored it her way , after all she is a little bit punk herself! Numerous Hair salons won't color any thing blue so I lucked out. Put the hat on and pulled the Hair to be highlighted and bleached. Washed it after 30 minutes of drying and she showed me the junk in the sink. Colored the whole head Blue. The highlighted part will get more color as the dark brown only has a slit hue of Blue.

Two days out in public and not many heads turn but when I come close to women the remark is Smiles or I love your Hair. I have talked to a few women and they are glad to see someone has guts for they wished they did. I told Tammy and others I am to desensitized from humiliation as a child and I can't ever humiliate myself . G.I.D. humiliation is a different topic and has its own set of anxieties. Please don't ask me to explain in detail cause I won't. I seen a psychologist for 7 months this last time , others in the past.

In the spring I have an idea on how to make the Blue more Dramatic after all I wanted neon Blue hair with flame red highlights but I have to readjust that plan.

So what if I get noticed, think about it kids don't we all in our own way. I am 58 yrs old and to therapists I act like a teenager but am only Chronologically 10 Years Old! . This is my Third Identity so says my Doctors and Therapists.

I am ready for Halloween , are You !

Breena.

[Sandra1746]

Breena, you've only got one shot at life so you might as well enjoy it. Besides, if the color is not to your liking you can always change it to suit.

Enjoy life, it isn't permanent,
Sandra1746

[sandra-leigh]

A transwoman I know through facebook keeps her hair pink.

I have seen a few women around my city that color their hair blue, or at least blue streaks. To my eye, some of them look fine and others do not, but the ones whom I think it looks bad on are the ones whose dye jobs are messy.

A lecture about not being noticed as a transwoman?! I can't imagine my gender therapist lecturing me about that! Live your life according to what is inside you, not according to other people's expectations of how a woman should be.

[cyndigurl45]

LOL blue is cool, during my much younger punk rock stage I wore a pink Mohawk ;-)

[BreenaDion]

Thanks guys, sorry I didn't respond quickly as this puter crashed and my daughter's boy friend did some readjusting and it is on its way out.

I can start to see my style , like when I was 14, 15 yrs old. I was then into fashion but only male stuff. I do a lot crazy things, especially with my bicycle and my Kawasaki Vulcan 1500. My family and rides come first, as transitioning heavy cost items have to wait. This spring when tax returns comes back I will be able to do some things. My spouse has a great health insurance plan in which I can't complain, 10$ a month for pills an 20$ a dr visit.

Two weeks and only smirky looks I get are from older ladies, 70's an on up. I only have one regret and that is its not dramatic enough. I am doing this on purpose, self punishment, like I seam to have battered woman syndrome . Maybe that is why I don't change therapist, so used to being abused. I called United Behavioral Health and ask them to do an appointment search for a clinician but they don't have the right categories to reference a gender therapist. I just hate traveling through Boston's log jam , such a nightmare. There just isn't enough therapists in Massachusetts to cover the area's where they are most needed.

As the Blue Hair is my style even if it doesn't fit but I still like my blue eyes. I am subtle in my craziness but when I am totally out there its therapeutic in a way. As a neighbor in this housing community with her blue streaks just gave me the inspiration to come out and I twice gave her positive comments and she quickly thanked me and laughed lol. Tammy suggested the best way to color it and the damage is slowly diminishing so I have more confidence in her abilities this spring. Blue hair with red highlights I changed my thinking on that approach . Light brown/ or dark blonde then we go crazy with the blue. I want wide streaks on both side of the face and heavy highlights through out the rest of the head. I just don't care much any more, ya gonna kick some items off the bucket list LOL.

At the support meetings, the leader talks about attitude when dressing and presenting yourself in public. She calls it " Attitude Is Everything" and some girls now live with that motto A.I.E. I just have gone way beyond attitude, I Just Don't Care Anymore . If I ever get someone mean and offensive enough that might hurt me I just go back to when my Gender expert called me . First it was unique then later original and after 2 1/2 yrs later I asked her why. She told that in 30 yrs of treating the Transgender Clients I am the only one she has ever seen turn from male gender into a female gender overnight like flipping a switch. As I looked and didn't find my duplicate it just waned on me for months until all those flash backs and treatment I was receiving and came up with my category of what I am. I am an Abomination but I don't agree with the total meaning. I then added Frankenstein's Monster with a synonym of that would be a Fairy. A ball of energy with a mystical being inside that doesn't exist in this realm but in a different universe. So I'll leave it there. You ponder it .

Breena.

[BreenaDion]

Just got a call from supposedly a gender specialist near R.I. . Won't hurt to check him out, and I don't want to bite my nose off to spite my face either.

Be my 3rd Social worker as the second wasn't experienced enough in P.T.S.D. for me to switch.

Breena.

[Chickhe]

When I had some issues in my life, I found out that I am the only one who can decide to get better... no one else has the answers, they can only introduce you to some tools they learned about. I did my own research and found answers that worked for me. I never tried looking like a smurf, but went down many different paths to figure out who I am now...

[BreenaDion]

Seriously I did consider the Smurf look, more like that priestess on Far Scape . Name of her escapes me but Ya was a thought. Seen way to many therapist in my life time where as I got an lover load of therapy and just went cold Turkey back a month ago. I needed a brake so my Gender witch chewed me out for that 1 also. On 10/4/10 when I loaded the gun and pointed at my head and told the brain to pull the trigger. In that moment nothing happened and I realized some points so I put the gun down, tossed the bullets in the trash the next day . I was seeing a Psychologist for a short few month with the slight onset of P.T.S.D. and quickly fired her. Took almost a year to smile and laugh and my Psychotherapist witch dr will attest to that, I came full circle. I did it all on my own and in my own way.

This last time I have these problems that I need help with and can't find the answers for. I did research and with the skills I have learned over the last 35 yrs they are to inadequate to uncover the answers . Yes I need a dr or a few. To put it bluntly because this is a major subject involving at least 3 different kinds of Doctors .What I call it and I am usually pretty close with these, I have a " conundrum that when treated creates different quagmires". That I came to realize after the car hit me while cycling and I got horribly worse. I saw the Conundrum and notice that every one was treating a different issue and no one was seeing the whole picture. What I did was to put a stop gap measure in just to stay sane . I followed my older brother's advise he gave me 10 yrs ago and work just fine at that moment but is not a cure. " If you find yourself digging a hole and can't get out, Just Stop Digging".

I tried with this Psychologist to enhance and make corrections to my theory of what happened when I was 5 yrs old and how it relates to me now. I was really close but as she is trained in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Dissociative Identity Disorder there is no absolute diagnosis for my disorders. I fall in between some, like what numerous other clients do, just no funding for the rarity of these issues we have. We took a few months and I made the theory correct with her agreement. So partly that is what fuels my new category of calling myself "Abomination" .

Breena

I struggle to be sane every day. I do my best and turn a cheek from suicide thoughts. I muster the strength to stop flash backs in mid steam. These ones my Doctor calls "A Trigger Triggering A Trigger" and ya figure that one out. I think of my evil mother giving birth to me and she dieing twice on the table , I ask god why am I alive. I think of taking meds again for depression and thinking after my mother died 02/06/08 I got clean off of them and that opening the way for The Awakening. What will come after I take more pills? I am so afraid. I look at a stranger and "I Have No Fear" are you the one who will kill me?, or will I get so angry that I will gut you like a fish! Just push me! I think of my gender dysphoria and how it relates to no one other and I ask why? I counted 17 disorders I have and just the other day saw number 18, where does it stop? If I have too I can pass any psychological profile test cause ive done it before. Yet I enjoy telling the truth. I counted the other month while in Hypnotherapy that 5 different people have abused me, are you sure there was only 5 I asked?

what else are you going to pick on cause I won't it just ain't worth it so I look away and keep moving forward.

Breena.

[Saffron]

After watching Scott Pilgrim VS the world I'm in love with blue hair

http://theoryhairsalon.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/theory-salon-blog-6-pic-3.jpeg

:)

[BreenaDion]

You got it Saffron, only wish I was that young . thanks