Relationship mess!

[mike~the~islandman]

Has anyone ever had a problem with their SO where they weren't very into your CDing lifestyle but they weren't disrespectful about it, they were just honest in the fact that it's not attractive to them?

Can a relationship like this ever flourish or resolve the issue of both knowing about the hidden lifestyle but never really coming to terms about it?

[heatherdress]

Mike - there are many threads relating to your question.

I would just question your characterization of your relationship being a "mess". Seems that your SO is aware, not disrespectful, but not attractive to your dressing. Seems there is an understanding and its hard to know what you need to resolve. Why does she have to be attracted to your crossdressing? What is the "mess"? If she is tolerant of your crossdressing, which I am assuming she is, isn't that OK for you? Many spouses, by the way, are aware of many other habits or hobbies of their partners and but never attracted to them. Relationships can flourish with understanding, good communications, and care for each other.

[sandra-leigh]

Mentally substitute "bowling" for "crossdressing" in your question: would that change the question or only how you feel about the question ?

("I divorced her because she didn't like my bowling" used to be a regular television theme.)

[ReineD]

Can a relationship like this ever flourish or resolve the issue of both knowing about the hidden lifestyle but never really coming to terms about it?

This all depends on how much time you want to spend dressed. If it's once in a while and your SO and you are OK with doing some things together and some things separate, then it's possible. If you want to go out dressed and/or dress at home a bulk of the time and she doesn't want to see you dressed then it will be more difficult.

What do you want and what does she want, exactly?

[NicoleScott]

Sure, and it's not a mess. My wife acknowledges my need to crossdress, and even accepts that I like an over-the-top presentation. She's not turned off by it, but she's not turned on by it. So what? It works for us just fine. It's an interest of mine (like bowling... thanks Sandra-leigh...but more fun). She has her own interests, and I don't feel compelled to take interest in them. Of course, we have common interests.

Mike, is it necessary that your SO be turned on by your crossdressing?

[ShannonIL]

Has anyone ever had a problem with their SO where they weren't very turned on by your CDing lifestyle but they weren't disrespectful about it, they were just honest in the fact that it's not attractive to them?

Can a relationship like this ever flourish or resolve the issue of both knowing about the hidden lifestyle but never really coming to terms about it?

I don't know that I'd say you haven't "come to terms" with it, though. I'd obviously need more info, but I think what I saw there was "Do whatever floats your boat, but I'm not interested in participating".

What ReineD said is also important. Before you can expect the relationship to flourish or end, you need to figure out what she wants and figure out how it overlaps with you. If that's strong enough, you're good to go.

[mike~the~islandman]

I guess my problem, I just feel happier when CDing. So, by increments, I've been trying to incorporate it more into my life (obviously not full time). I can tell it may bring about problems in the long term, since she's straight, and seeing me as a woman may bother her...

I think I worded the initial question wrong. None of this has to do with her being turned on by CDing. I meant more in the terms of interest, not arousal.

[Stephanie47]

My wife and I have different interests. Would you expect two people to fawn over the same thing every day. Based on what I have read time and again on this site, many cross dressers would love it if their spouses just ignored it as something their husbands did. Yes, substitute bowling or fishing or sewing or gardening. My wife is more upset by my interest in watching baseball on television than my cross dressing. For her at least my cross dressing is in the closet, while my baseball is on the television.

[Jenniferathome]

Wow, I can't believe you are asking this. Did you expect your wife to be "turned on" or something like that by you dressing as a woman? I'd wager that, very, very few women are engaged in their SO'd dressing. For the accepting wives/girlfriends, it just "is." You have it very good. Hopefully, crossdressing is just a part of your life and there is much more life for the two of you

[Amy A]

I guess my problem, I just feel happier when CDing. So, by increments, I've been trying to incorporate it more into my life (obviously not full time). I can tell it may bring about problems in the long term, since she's straight, and seeing me as a woman may bother her...

I think I worded the initial question wrong. None of this has to do with her being turned on by CDing. I meant more in the terms of interest, not arousal.


I guess this comes down to drawing up some boundaries together then, and sticking to them. If you find that the boundaries she wants to set are too restrictive then it's up to you and how much you value her companionship as to how much you try to push those boundaries and run the risk of pushing her away.

[LelaK]

Mike, is your concern that, by you increasing the amount of CDing that you do, she may get frustrated that you don't spend enough time with her and may lose interest in the marriage or something like that?

If so, I guess you need to tell her that you're concerned about that and would like to find a way to spend enough time with each other while you also spend more time CDing.

In other words, I think you need to ask her if there's anything she'd enjoy doing with you while you're CDing.

Do you two have a good sexual relationship? Can CDing fit into it? Are there things she would like to do with you that you normally don't do, but would be willing to do if you did it CDed.

[mike~the~islandman]

Wow, I can't believe you are asking this. Did you expect your wife to be "turned on" or something like that by you dressing as a woman? I'd wager that, very, very few women are engaged in their SO'd dressing. For the accepting wives/girlfriends, it just "is." You have it very good. Hopefully, crossdressing is just a part of your life and there is much more life for the two of you

Woah, wait a second, as I stated in my 2nd comment, it wasn't about me wanting to "turn her on" with my CDing. The 1st question was my error for a poor choice in wording.

I never expected that. I don't even want my CDing life to become involved with our "sex life." I'm well aware she's straight and not interested in women. The main problem is me wanting to incorporate CDing into my daily life (shopping, cooking, etc) without her being bothered by it, since its something I'm really into.

This whole problem started recently when I was wearing a make-up product and it really bothered her when she saw me. She said she's not telling me to take it off, she just didn't wanna see me while I was wearing it. This hurt me. She wasn't laughing at me, but she clearly wasn't ready to be engaged in this aspect of my life (though she knew about it for months). I was just curious if this is an omen that we're bound to run into future problems, and wondered if anyone had a similar experience...

[BRANDYJ]

The main problem is me wanting to incorporate CDing into my daily life (shopping, cooking, etc) without her being bothered by it, since its something I'm really into.
This whole problem started recently when I was wearing a make-up product and it really bothered her when she saw me. S

So don't incorporate your CDing into your daily life if keeping your wife has any or as much importance to you. So simple...problem solved. Why is it some of us seem to think we can't control this urge? Why is it we risk ruining a marriage over it? Why is it we think this expression is more important then our wive's happiness? It isn't to me now and never has been. My wife's view of me as her man has always been so much more important. Seems that some never get out of the Pink Fog.

[johnboy23]

It has taken my wife three years to accept it. We have gone through a time where she didnt want to hear about it or see it EVER! It was a tough few months, but I made subtle hints about how it will never go away and made a big effort to keep her happy and not dwell on things that she has said. Women are great. If they are happy with you, then you can almost get away with murder and they will still be uncontrollably in love with you.

[franlee]

You answered your own question in your opening statement, if she excepted it at what ever level and you have moved on. Now flourishing is at best, subjective and many would argue that by her staying and not impeding you is flourishing! There are many people that would love to have that much even if it has to stay hidden, at least there is hope for more favorible relations and understanding. Now it is up to you to build on that acceptance.

[JessicaMay]

Woah, wait a second, as I stated in my 2nd comment, it wasn't about me wanting to "turn her on" with my CDing. The 1st question was my error for a poor choice in wording.

I never expected that. I don't even want my CDing life to become involved with our "sex life." I'm well aware she's straight and not interested in women. The main problem is me wanting to incorporate CDing into my daily life (shopping, cooking, etc) without her being bothered by it, since its something I'm really into.

This whole problem started recently when I was wearing a make-up product and it really bothered her when she saw me. She said she's not telling me to take it off, she just didn't wanna see me while I was wearing it. This hurt me. She wasn't laughing at me, but she clearly wasn't ready to be engaged in this aspect of my life (though she knew about it for months). I was just curious if this is an omen that we're bound to run into future problems, and wondered if anyone had a similar experience...

Hi Mike,

Just a quick question are sure it was a result of her not liking that you were wearing a specific type of product (lipstick for example) and not that she thought that specific color or what have you failed to impress her? I'd ask her if it was an issue with the product, or was it an issue of taste. If the latter, than I would take that as an opportunity to invite her into the decision process of what to wear and such. If it's the former, you'll need to find out where her line is on what is acceptable and what is not.

It seems to me she's accepting, perhaps she's still trying to figure out how she feels about it. I wouldn't take a single set back as an omen however. Perhaps there was just a misunderstanding. In your shoes I think I would slow down a touch and try and incorporate her into the process a little more before moving forward again. She may not be attracted to a woman, but she's attracted to you. All of you. Bring her in and see what she thinks, the worst case scenario is you're back where you started, the best case is you get to have a lot more fun.

(edit: Wanted to add, I just noticed the Sagan quote in your signature. Bravo sir!)

[docrobbysherry]

Others have similarly mentioned dressing as a hobby akin to your SO being like a golf wife. Who becomes accustomed to being left alone every Sunday while u golf. The difference comes when u want to begin golfing on Friday. Then Wed., etc. I don't see this as your SO's issue as much as yours. U want her to agree to let u golf whenever u wish? That's not fair!

Figure out WHAT U WANT! THEN, see if she'll agree to that "golf" schedule.

[mike~the~islandman]

Hi Mike,

It seems to me she's accepting, perhaps she's still trying to figure out how she feels about it. I wouldn't take a single set back as an omen however. Perhaps there was just a misunderstanding. In your shoes I think I would slow down a touch and try and incorporate her into the process a little more before moving forward again. She may not be attracted to a woman, but she's attracted to you. All of you. Bring her in and see what she thinks, the worst case scenario is you're back where you started, the best case is you get to have a lot more fun.

)

Thank you for the great advice, Jessica!

And thank you everyone else for taking the time to read and reply!

[ReineD]

This whole problem started recently when I was wearing a make-up product and it really bothered her when she saw me. She said she's not telling me to take it off, she just didn't wanna see me while I was wearing it. This hurt me. She wasn't laughing at me, but she clearly wasn't ready to be engaged in this aspect of my life (though she knew about it for months). I was just curious if this is an omen that we're bound to run into future problems, and wondered if anyone had a similar experience...

Then you need to let her know that it's more than just a dirty little hobby. Ask her to look beyond the makeup and the clothes if she can, and see your soul ... the person you are inside. Tell her that a desire to express femininity is a part of you and it always has been and it makes you sad that she is disgusted with it. Maybe ask her to have an open mind and spend a few hours at home with you dressed once or twice, to see if she can get past her inititial shock?

What age group are you in, and how traditional/liberal-minded are the circles you move in?

This link leads to a post with suggestions on how to tell a wife who doesn't know at all, but it does offer a way of explaining that the CDing is more than just putting on makeup and clothes. You need to have a deeper conversation about this with your gf.

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?13841-How-to-tell-your-partner

[Mimi]

Could it be that she's uncomfortable seeing you with a mix of male-female cues? I'm not suggesting that she's ready to see you completely dressed, but it is not uncommon for a gg to be more bothered by seeing her SO in the partially-transformed state than when the SO looks completely femme. Due to societal norms or other reasons, it can be jarring to see feminine makeup on an otherwise male-presenting person, especially one's spouse.

[Jenniferathome]

I'm well aware she's straight and not interested in women. The main problem is me wanting to incorporate CDing into my daily life (shopping, cooking, etc) without her being bothered by it, since its something I'm really into.

Mike, you need to work around HER comfort, not yours. Crossdressing is really quite weird and off-putting to most, wives in particular. Remember that while we've had decades to get used to this and come to grips with it, they have not. They are not in our heads. You should discuss boundaries with your wife and respect them. In all likelihood, over time, she will get more comfortable and might expand the boundaries. Keep the discussion open, but she gets to set the pace.

[Beverley Sims]

Your relationship should flourish as long as you do not push your little hobby too far and too quickly.
Over time you can make small advances.
It is about your wife not you.

[NicoleScott]

The main problem is me wanting to incorporate CDing into my daily life (shopping, cooking, etc) without her being bothered by it, since its something I'm really into.

This whole problem started recently when I was wearing a make-up product and it really bothered her when she saw me. She said she's not telling me to take it off, she just didn't wanna see me while I was wearing it. This hurt me.

This is confusing, and you appear to come off as somewhat selfish. Crossdressing is something you're into, but she's not. This hurts you? Why?
If she wanted to join a square dancing club and you didn't want to, should she be hurt? Couples should have common interests and do things together, but that doesn't mean everything, and it certainly doesn't mean just what you want. Can't you allow her to not be into your crossdressing? Surely you can find a way for you to satisfy your drive to crossdress without pulling her into something she has no taste for.