Telling My Parents – Reading Material?

[steph1964]

I appreciate the support from my last post but I hope this one will stay on track :D

Angie and I will be going to the San Francisco bay area on Friday to tell my parents. Angie is actually in Sacramento right now visiting my brother and sister, who we told last week. This will be a big shock to my parents and I am very nervous on how this will go. They grew up in London during the war and have the mentality of most people of their generation. You do what is expected, be a good husband, a good father etc. and put your own needs aside. They will most likely look at this as I am throwing my life away. They are very loving people and have liberal views so once they get over the initial shock, I am hopeful that they will be able to accept it.

With that in mind, I am looking for recommendations of information that they can read to give them a better understanding of what I am going through. My mother reads a lot of books, and my father is more likely to jump onto the internet. I need recommendations of websites I can give to my father that will explain this and answer some of his questions. I also am looking for books for my mother. Neither one of them will want to navigate this forum and the forum would be overwhelming for them at this point.

[MsRenee]

How about a local support group in their area. That way any questions they will have can be answered at the same time.I wish you courage on telling your parents.
Renee

[Kaitlyn Michele]

http://www.avitale.com/Essaylist.htm

especially this one from the above list..

http://www.avitale.com/developmentalreview.htm

It speaks directly to your particular situation...

Your instincts are right...keep it as simple as possible

also they will be afraid for you ...they will have reasonable worries about your safety, your finances and your marraige...you need to let them know that you need to deal with this as a matter of your own survival...and that you are confident you can navigate this even though its a very difficult situation...

[Barbara Ella]

Steph, the list Kaitlyn gave you is a good one. I have tried to write some thoughts, but they just do not fit your situation. The staqndard books are still there for anyone who wants to be introduced into this wide world of ours, and all the different degrees, and may be your mom would be interested.

My wishes and prayers go with you. One note. Please try not to go in with the preconceived notion that your parents, because of their upbringing. growing up in London at that time also gave them the ability to cope with rapidly changing situations. They saw a lot of very bad things, and had to make the best of them. They likely saw people at their worst and best, so have a lot to draw from during your discussion. Parents can surprise you, so go in planning for the best and prepared to deal with anything.

As said, keep your intro, and answers simple. Avoid even bringing up "lifestyle choice." This is not a choice, this is who you are, and what you need for your happiness. It is your life, finally recognized, that they have to recognize now. Just don't disagree harshly with anything said. First contact is not the time to get any hard feelings exposed. Let them feel sorrow if they wish. as they will fee llike some of their life has been lost, even if it is not lost, but just being added to.

I will be thinking of you Friday.

Barbara

[Stephenie S]

Search for a documentary called "She's a Boy I Knew". It's available to watch on line in it's entirety. It's a very sensitive accurate and caring documentary of a transition. Both parents talk about their feelings and adjustments to the transition. The wife also takes a good part. This documentary is one of the best, if not the best, story of a transition I have ever seen. It was made by the transitioner herself.

If you want to educate them about the pain and turmoil of transition you could watch "Beautiful Daughters", made with the help of Eve Ensler and Jane Fonda. It's available from NetFlix and is on line also on the LOGO network.

Good luck. Don't get too deep into explanations. You don't need, nor will you likely get "understanding". I doubt anyone really understands the phenomenon of transgenderism at all. I don't. You don't either. Is it reasonable to expect your parents to? What you do need is acceptance. If your parents accept you, what more could you ask?

Stephie

[Kathryn Martin]

Steph, I would also recommend the documentary "She's a boy I knew" it really is the best.

[Tammy V]

Hey Steph, Wow I can really relate to what you are going through right now. I started my transition earlier this year and plan to tell my elderly, Southern Baptist parents before the end of the year but am waiting until after Christmas if possible. It is an issue that goes back to childhood for me, hiding myself from them, and I am sure you can relate to that also. I am working with a therapist to help me with the situation (plus another therapist I worked with on the issue earlier this year) and the 2 books that have been recomended for me to give them are "True Selves" and "Trangender 101". I read True Selves and I think I will give my mom that to read and am now reading Transgender 101 but I may not give them that one because I am finding references to things like "queer" and genderqueer etc. that do not apply to me and I remember mom scolding me using that word when I was little. My therapist recomended this week that I copy certain parts of that book that can be very helpful to present to them but I will decide when I finish reading it. I am also finalizing a letter to presnt to them that is one page and informative of me dealing with major problems, having GID and being treated by a team of medical professionals etc. I am not just going to send them the letter but present it in person as a part of a discussion. It can never be easy to come out to one's parents but an adult that has struggled with gender issues their entire life and are finally doing something concrete about it telling conservative parents can be a real challenge. For me I compare this task to climbing Mt. Everest and I feel like I am close to the peak now and running out of oxygen. I certainly feel for you and good luck, I think it will go better than we imagine...hoping so.

True Selves: Understanding Transsexualism--For Families, Friends, Coworkers, and Helping Professionals
here is a link for this book on Amazon
http://www.amazon.com/True-Selves-Understanding-Transsexualism-For-Professionals/dp/0787902713

[Jorja]

Hi Steph,
I deal with a lot of younger TG/TS kids. They have been thrown out of the house because of their issues. I volunteer to take them in until they can come to terms with their parents or they turn 21, which ever comes first. Part of what I try to do is get both parents and children back together. Here is what we work on when telling the parents about their situation. I hope you can find something that will help you in your effort to finally tell your parents.

Your parents will naturally follow the long-established patterns of dealing with you -- saying no, scolding, or threatening punishment. These first reactions could even extend to vowing to cut you out of their will, or threatening to withdraw their love in some way. However, if you are prepared for the worst, then these threats will not work. You are standing on your own feet. No matter what the cost, you will have made a major step toward being in control of your life and yourself. When they realize that they can no longer control your life, they will most often relent and accept you as you are. It may take them a little while to come to terms with the changes in your relationship. Give them all the time they need. Remember that you needed time to be able to gain the courage to confront the issue yourself. Offer them time to think about it. When they are ready and willing to discuss the issue further, be available to do so.

Many parents go through a grieving process for the relationship that they are losing. Your parents may find it very hard to accept the change. They've been used to the old ways longer than you have. They may greet the news with silence, a form of denial, or may simply decline to talk about it any further. On the other hand, your folks may surprise you and be far more receptive and supportive than you expect. There are those rare parents who have built their parent/child relationship on unconditional love (we'll love you no matter what), rather than conditional love (we'll love you if you live up to our expectations).

You should be aware of the possibility that your parents may not be in total control of their own lives or selves. Your parents may fear what the neighbors, relatives, and friends will think of them because of your situation. Your parents may need to build their own self-esteem and take control of their own lives, just as you've had to do with yours.

Keep your options open. Few parents are willing to lose contact with their children, and in time they will come around to accepting the changes in you and the changes in your relationship with them. Remember, change is always difficult, particularly where emotions are involved. It requires giving up familiar ways of doing things. Even if the old ways didn't work and weren't honest, they were comfortable, like an old pair of slippers. You may have a twinge of sadness at throwing away these "old slippers". But the old ways must go, to make way for new ones. Sometimes, the scary part is that you may not know what the new ways of relating to your parents are yet, and since you know the old ways so well, it may feel safer and less risky to keep them.

Once an open dialogue is started with parents, it is easy to keep it that way. The benefits can be enormous. You can begin to relate to each other as real human beings. You learn new things about each other and you may find a depth of love and feeling that you never knew was there.

[Stephenie S]

What can I add? Don't do it at Christmas.

S

[steph1964]

I have been busy with work but I have really taken notice of what everyone has said. Kaitlyn, I have downloaded the material and started to read it and Tammy, I read part of True Selves and then purchased it on Kindle for me to read. I also found where I can download She's a Boy I Knew for free Stephie and will try to watch that soon. Jorja, that was a very enlightening post. Thank you everyone for your support, it helps to know that others have been through this.