Are we there yet?

[Anna Lorree]

So I was at my therapist's yesterday, and was telling her about the last 2 weeks. Coming out to 3 people, going to my first LGBT meeting, admitting that I want to be out to more and more people, choosing to get a hair style I can wear in a feminine manner, and starting makeup lessons with my stylist (yesterday, just before the therapy session). She said that I am in a very different place than I was 2 weeks ago, and that while I was talking my therapist thought, "My God, she's transitioned!"

This morning my wife said she had a scary but realistic dream in which I fell in love with a lesbian and left my wife. I asked if she now views me as a lesbian and she responded that she does. She says my mannerisms are now much more feminine than they were, even the way I touch her has changed. This is such a crazy ride! I know this isn't the end of the process for me, but it certainly seems that I have passed a milestone.

Anna

[ArleneRaquel]

Lovely post, thank you for sharing hon.

[KellyJameson]

If the question is not to personal your words touched on something I have for a very long time been trying to give expression to.

Do the mannerisms and the way you touch your wife feel like they come from a place beyond thinking?

As a child I was tortured for acting feminine and I had no clue to what the adults and other children were talking about and why it made them hostile.

It was a natural way of living in and using my body that was totally without conscious awareness so I was not trying to act feminine but others took it that way and beyond the physical expression of my body was also the emotional and intellectual way of relating and interacting with the world.

I was never able to unlearn this way of "being" and now have consciously acknowledged it because from this everything else labelled by society as feminine was born.

It strongly has affected my sexual energy because it was there before sex and has touched every single interaction that I have ever had with others.

I call it my first truth that everything else is built on and comes from, that beginning point that is the common thread that runs through my life.

I think of it as my soul because it has always been in me and no matter what happens to me it is still there, I change but it does not so I'm changed by it but also by everything else.

It is immutable

Have you united that which was with you before with who you are now and so the past has now rushed back into the present? Does it feel like you have stepped back onto a path you were already walking as a child so now feel like you are living more truthfully but this is your own truth that comes from ignoring the truth of others?

Hope this is not to personal and certainly do not answer if it makes you uncomfortable.

[kimdl93]

Certainly is a milestone, Anna. Now maybe your wife will come to the realization that the dream was really about her.

[Anna Lorree]

If the question is not to personal your words touched on something I have for a very long time been trying to give expression to.

Do the mannerisms and the way you touch your wife feel like they come from a place beyond thinking?

As a child I was tortured for acting feminine and I had no clue to what the adults and other children were talking about and why it made them hostile.

It was a natural way of living in and using my body that was totally without conscious awareness so I was not trying to act feminine but others took it that way and beyond the physical expression of my body was also the emotional and intellectual way of relating and interacting with the world.

I was never able to unlearn this way of "being" and now have consciously acknowledged it because from this everything else labelled by society as feminine was born.

It strongly has affected my sexual energy because it was there before sex and has touched every single interaction that I have ever had with others.

I call it my first truth that everything else is built on and comes from, that beginning point that is the common thread that runs through my life.

I think of it as my soul because it has always been in me and no matter what happens to me it is still there, I change but it does not so I'm changed by it but also by everything else.

It is immutable

Have you united that which was with you before with who you are now and so the past has now rushed back into the present? Does it feel like you have stepped back onto a path you were already walking as a child so now feel like you are living more truthfully but this is your own truth that comes from ignoring the truth of others?

Hope this is not to personal and certainly do not answer if it makes you uncomfortable.

I spent most of my younger years trying to figure out how to keep my hands, how to stand, how to wear clothing, how to move my body and how to communicate as a man. Now, I have just quit trying to continue the ruse. Now I move as I feel natural moving. Most of the time, I don't even notice it, but my wife says she certainly does.

Anna

[Pamela Kay]

I did the same Anna and if I just relax and be myself it all falls into place. The problem I'm having is breaking the 49 years of training I've enforced on myself to conform. I catch myself being stiff, walking strait and not swaying, and having to watch how I sit and put my hands.

It shouldn't be this hard to be myself. :)

[stacycoral]

Anna, i am happy for you that your life is starting to clear, i only wish you the best with your SO,and know the love you have for your kids, Take care girl, hugs,

[Nicole Erin]

If your wife is willing to stick with you thru this, for God's sake don't leave her. I mean I know you weren't saying you would but finding a partner who cares is pretty rare.

[Anna Lorree]

If your wife is willing to stick with you thru this, for God's sake don't leave her. I mean I know you weren't saying you would but finding a partner who cares is pretty rare.

Right now, she needs me. She has serious health issues, I have health insurance and a good salary, she has none. I am neither trying to nor planning to leave her, but she has mentioned that she may choose to leave me. All of that is just so up in the air right now. We haven't had a sex life in months, and she swears she isn't a lesbian. I shall have to wait and see, but I suspect that either she will accept me or our marriage will end when the kids leave home. In fact, she has warned me to expect it.

Anna

[ChelseaErtel]

When I'm not dressed, I have to watch how I move my hands and arms. I have to stop using my hands when I talk.

Funny about the touching thing, but I know what you mean. I have to stop myself when in man mode. When I'm dressed or alone, I do move in feminine ways now because I am not suppressing the woman inside.

I have my first visit with a new doctor for begin planning for transition. I have a long way to go before I do HRT or anything else - still need more therapy and work out family issues.

I know I am a lesbian, but I don't want another relationship. Thank you for the post, gets me a thinking.

[kimdl93]

Anna, is there a reason, besides your gradual transition, that is obstructing intimacy between the two of you? You mentioned her health issues. Perhaps there are ways to maintain that intimate connection despite the obstacles, whatever they may be.

[StephanieC]

We haven't had a sex life in months, and she swears she isn't a lesbian. I shall have to wait and see, but I suspect that either she will accept me or our marriage will end when the kids leave home. In fact, she has warned me to expect it.

Anna
I can certainly relate this this. However, I'd give it time. It sounds like you're communicating. Your wife may warm to aspects of this and/or your relationship may change to accomodate. As long as you are talking, I think anything is possible.