involuntarily purged, everything gone

[chrismy]

wife took everything ... my hanger row in the closet.. skirts, blouses, dresses..
gone.. 2 drawers of lingerie. shoes.. makeup.. jewelry... curlers..gone.. i came in
and found out... asked .. whats goin on? ... she said whats goin on is im not sharing my house with another women... a DADT that devolved to a UTELL now. i am truly devastated... the time and effort and stress for me gather this wardrobe.. some nice things... gone,, but this is nothing compared to how totally violated,
degradated and (all the other applicable adjectives that end in ED) that i feel. is this the hollow angry helpless feeling she got when i told her the truth about my life for as long as i can remember? .. so still in shock after 24 hours... surreal. but trying to take the bigger picture into view... this is a groundswell of intolerance and personal disregard that truly speaks volumes... if thats not bad enough i have not one single pair of panties to sleep in .. ) we will see what tomorrow brings. any day you wake up on this side of the grass is a good one. cheers to us all on our difficult path!
ps...tomorrow i am planning on shaving my legs in protest... )

[RainyNightGirl]

I can understand completely why you feel violated and degraded. It's an act of vandalism as far as I can tell. Your wife maybe upset but I do not think that warrants destruction of your property.

Best wishes
Natasha

[TiffanyGreene]

Sorry to hear this! I think I would feel violated as well. I am basically in a DADT myself. Not sure what a UTELL is or if it is something i may need to watch out for....

Just wondering how long it has been since you first told her. From your earlier posts I guess it to be around the first couple of months this year.

Best of luck

[Beverley Sims]

I would play this one very carefully for now especially if this is the only problem with your marriage.
Without knowing would even suggest don't shave your legs tomorrow.
Let it ass smooth over a bit.
Nothing worse than a cat fight and scratching each others eyes out.

[noeleena]

Hi,

Dont mess with the queen cat i know who's got the sharper claws & it ant you.

Okay theres more going on here, as youv said the bigger pic,

Lets look at this from the womans side how would you feel if this was the other way round, you can look back not forward, so to say oh that would be allright as you see it , think again,

If you are the woman what would you think & feel if your husband did as your doing trying to be the woman, or dressing ,

So before hitting the shaveing dept, in protest sit down with your wife & work through the real issues & problems before the heavy guns are drawn,

...noeleena...

[Angela Campbell]

I don't think I could stay in a relationship with so little regard for me. Throwing away your personal items is just over the line. I would have moved out that moment. Well... after throwing out some of her stuff.

[GinaM]

You should go thru her stuff and throw it away as well and see how she feels. I honestly would take a ton of her clothes and hide them for a few days and just tell her that since she thought it was a great idea to get rid of your clothes that you returned the favor and did the same for her and that you donated. Then, after a few days pull it out and give them back and just tell her how it made you feel.

[Carol Elizabeth]

Specifically, toss all her slacks - pants - shorts and tell her you don't plan to live with a man.

[kimdl93]

Chrisy, six months ago you posted that you had come out to your wife and that everything had gone wrong. At the time it seemed she was ending the marriage. What has happened in the past 6 months? Seems you've come full circle.

[wanagione]

Sorry to hear about this Chris. I wouldn't shaved my legs in protest I would just shave your legs because that is who you are. IT's not the clothes, and she is sharing the house with another woman, like it or not.

[Babeba]

Wow, how disrespectful of her.

Something tells me, though, that the two of you are not good at communicating. She's unhappy, she throws out your stuff... You're unhappy, you shave your legs... Can't either of you just say the feelings you feel? Can't the other just listen?

Have the two if you tried going to therapy together? Sometimes a neutral third person to mediate helps. I know if someone threw out several hundred dollars' of my things I would probably feel like they were throwing me out too, though.

[chrismy]

circle after circle after circle..... i am stiil walking around in a daze.... in shock...

[Lady Catherine]

I'm a very strong Alpha personality, and point blank that would be then end of the relationship if that happened to me. If there was a problem, it should have been talked about. You don't just throw some ones things away.

But I have to ask: did she try to communicate and you not listen? If so, this is on you. If not, then shave your legs and move on.

[carnut62]

I have had this happen a few times, I only keep a few items in my drawers. The last few times at least she didn't cut them up, she did that the first time :( I have usually been able to recover everything from the trash too, the last time she put a few items in her dresser, I had not seen that before.

If you don't think you can save yoru marriage I kind of like what Carol said, take her pants and any tank tops and tell her there is only room for one man in the house, see how she likes it. I dont' really think this would go over well so be sure to duck when you say it.

[Beverley Sims]

If ever she asks what's on the TV, tell her "dust".
Then duck. :)
I am sorry for you but bullying is a bit much.

[Sallee]

I would move on out and kiss that marriage good bye Sorry but there doesn't seem to be any mutual respect

[whowhatwhen]

If you don't think you can save yoru marriage I kind of like what Carol said, take her pants and any tank tops and tell her there is only room for one man in the house, see how she likes it. I dont' really think this would go over well so be sure to duck when you say it.

This would only end up much, much worse.
If the marriage cannot be saved then it's better for your personal well being to end it, but do not sink to her level.

You're better than that.

[docrobbysherry]

So, would u describe your marriage as a happy one, Chrismy? And, an equal partnership? With lots of open communication that both of u listen to and compromise whenever possible? Great sex and lots mutual interests u enjoy sharing together?

Your answer is, "Yes"? Then, don't worry! You'll get by all this!

Your answer is, "No"? Maybe u don't have real marriage? Maybe you're just room mates?

Think about it!

[jjjjohanne]

Wow. She must really be frustrated to do something like that. Seek counseling. Either you two are not communicating or one of you is not listening (which still means you two are not communicating). Some big move like this on her part should not have taken you by surprise. Crossdressing aside, to me (a non-professional), your relationship sounds unhealthy. Your relationship is more important than "winning" this battle!

[Lynn Marie]

she said whats goin on is im not sharing my house with another women...

Like I've tried to get across many times before is that DADT doesn't work. Your wife finally had all she was going to take of this "other woman" in her home and she just evicted her. Did you really expect anything less was going to happen?

Here's your chance! This may be the only one you'll get before divorce! You and her are right now on equal ground. Everything is out in the open and up for negotiation. You can now sit and talk to each other in truth. No more hiding and sneaking around behind her back. Say it! Speak out on what's going on with you and also be prepared for what's going on with her. You just might be surprised. Women are a lot smarter than we men often give them credit for. If you feel that you need a mediator, then find a good friend or semi-professional pastor type, or bite the bullet and pay for professional help. Whatever it takes to find a common ground that you both can agree on.

Be prepared, this might not end well. Then again, it might end a lot better than you think.

[tara t]

my first thoughts would have been to throw out her clothes too ,with any stupid reason , clothes too manly,too ****ty, too trendy,too old fashioned etc but realistically it will not help resolve the situation if thats what your hoping to do .
in the other thread when you came out to your wife did you explain weather you were keeping it between the two of you or were you going to go public ?, did you let her know what your intentions are ? had you two resolved any of the problems that arose from you opening up to her before you started stocking up on the clothes etc , had she agreed with you buying clothes or did you just do your own thing ?

[Lorileah]

mean and childish. Just immature. If she had a problem she should have discussed it. I would sleep with one eye open. I also prefer being married to adults...you know people who are not spoiled little brats

[Sharon B.]

I wouldn't be surprise if in a few days or weeks there isn't separation papers. Just my two cents worth.

[Cynthia Anne]

I know how you feel! My wife done the same thing to me a few years ago! That's how she came to be my X! Hope you find some happiness some wat!

[Jorja]

Well, to be honest, I have no snappy little tid bits of wisdom to share on this one. I have never been through that. Just know right or wrong we are here and we really care what happens. :hugs:

[franlee]

To quote the not so great Eddie Murrphy, There's gona be some serious ramifacations and consiquensies for your actions. I hate to sound violent and all that politically incorrect stuff but that anit gona happen arround here without some serious problems. I can't even consieve doing my wife in a simular way muchless her doing such. I'm sure this would end our marriage. It goes a lot deeper than just CDing and respect is very high on my list of priorities. I got to stop this rant but I hate seeing anyone blindsiided!

[Foxglove]

Something like this would make me pretty mad.

But I think you need to count here--not just to ten, but to about ten million. Try to think calmly. Is your marriage on the whole good? An incident like this indicates that it isn't. Do you want to keep it going? If so, incidents like this one won't help. But if you do want to preserve your marriage, retaliation--as satisfying as it might be--won't help matters.

Sounds to me like the two of you have things to sort out between you. Good luck!

Annabelle

[Robynne]

Chrismy, I feel your pain! Am currently trying to recover from self purging and am miserable. Carefully think through your future actions as there may be no turning back. Take care!

[Eryn]

Specifically, toss all her slacks - pants - shorts and tell her you don't plan to live with a man.

While this form of revenge has a certain attractive symmetry to it, do you really want to stoop to her childish level? Two stupid actions do not make a correct action.

You are at a critical point. Your wife has drawn a line in the sand and restricted you to staying behind it. You have to decide whether you will live with this restriction or if it is time to move on.

I suggest that you discuss this with your wife and don't mince any words. If she wishes your marriage to continue she is playing a very dangerous game. It's not a matter of her versus the clothes, it's a matter of her disrespect for you in disposing of your property without permission. If the situation had been reversed and you had disposed of her property without permission nobody would hesitate a moment before directing her to a divorce lawyer. You deserve no less consideration.

[Foxglove]

It's not a matter of her versus the clothes, it's a matter of her disrespect for you in disposing of your property without permission. If the situation had been reversed and you had disposed of her property without permission nobody would hesitate a moment before directing her to a divorce lawyer. You deserve no less consideration.

I think this is spot on.

[MsJanessa]

She should not have thrown out your stuff---no matter how she felt about your dressing--it sounds like you are in a very abusive relationship--whether you stay in it or not is up to you---a lot depends on things like children, jointly owned property, your and hers finances(easier to leave if you both have your own income) and the like---rather than shaving your legs just to get back at her, you should sit down and talk with her about ending the relationship---if she is so dead set against you dressing, then you will be unhappy as long as you are married--she wants you to stop doing something that you love and don't want to stop. Doesn't seem like there is much room for compromise in her

[Stephanie47]

Lynn Marie characterized your relationship as DADT. I really would not characterize it in that manner since your wardrobe was hanging in the closet and easily accessible by your wife. Setting that aside, I'll will say your wife should not have taken your personal property and disposed or hidden it from you. I hope it has not been a six month period of contentious behavior by both parties. If this behavior by your wife is representative of her behavior on other issues, I really do not see this as a harmonious marriage or a marriage of equality.

Frankly, my wife knows I am a cross dresser. She knows I dress in her absence. She wishes I was not a cross dressers. If she were to do what your wife has done, I would rather spent the rest of my earthy days without her.

My recommendation; check out your financial situation with a divorce lawyer.

[meri]

The stuff probably went to the local Goodwill or Salvation Army. Check around, you may find the stuff in bins -- tell them what happened and demand your things back!

[Mistybtm]

Specifically, toss all her slacks - pants - shorts and tell her you don't plan to live with a man.

I love this answer it is the best.

[Barbara Ella]

As others have said, now is not the time to react in a manner that is not you. Whether you want to or not, you need to assess your situation in light of what you were doing, what you told your wife you would be doing, and what she agreed for you to be doing, if any.

She has changed the rules on you without notice, and behaved in a very childish manner. If she knew, and agreed for what was going on, it is likely you will need a long talk to find out why. If you cannot find out the real reason, she has lost your trust, and an attorney is in line.

Please take the high road for the time being. You are now the bigger person. This cannot be easy. You are in my prayers.

Barbara

[Lady Slipper]

^^^Mistybtm, I love this answer, too! :devil: The only flaw is that it's A Really Bad Idea. :D

Chrismy, your in a tough spot, I fear this is not going to be fun. :( Stay strong! :hugs:

[Jenniferathome]

There is WAY more going on in your home than you presented here. This is a blow up,to some long standing issue. I do not believe that any relationship is so one sided. You need to be objective about her and yourself and have a conversation. Barring mental illness, your relationship is really unhealthy for something like this to occur.

[KateSpade83]

Is there any way you can ask her to get the clothes back?

If someone did that to me it would be very devastating, as my women's clothes are worth $40K to $50K. I'd tell a woman early in a relationship that she has to accept this about me, or else we won't work together.

[Annaliese2010]

IDK why and please forgive me if this sounds insensitive...but I couldn't help but to LOL when reading your little vignette. I mean, of late it's getting rather difficult to take my whole genius 'Annaliese' quantum leap very seriously now that there's a truly hot young gg babe 'after me'.

I'm tellin ya...OMG Oooooie! Sweet Jesus I hope she doesn't leave! A beautiful girl trumps everything. She rights the wrong; makes you yearn & long...for more (of her); never gonna get enuf.

Actually......I sincerely hope it all works out for you Chrismy. I know this whole deal is a genuinely inborn thing for some. Try as I might to convince myself I am one, now I very much doubt it. Probly soon gone. Don't feel I belong. Alleluia!

[chrismy]

i feel so incredibly violated... as if half of me (or more) has been ripped away... surreal.. stumbling through the black fog... this gone to me for now.. still trying to cope... thanks so much to everyone.... ) i will attempt to address all the valid points raised as soon as i can... great inputs for us all to take from what we will. i have never felt this barren in my life

[Meghan]

Specifically, toss all her slacks - pants - shorts and tell her you don't plan to live with a man.

I do not know how helpful this would be long term, but this seems to be the fairest reaction I could possibility imagine.

Meghan

[heatherdress]

Sorry this happened, Chrisy. Many good recommendations already. You should not ignore what happened- it hurts you too much. You have to respond. The best way is with honest communications. Tell her how you feel. Go from there. Be understanding to her needs, but be strong, too. Your needs are just as important. Good luck.

[Jessica86]

When I was a teen, my mother purged most of my things, and totally went through my whole room. Not only did I have to pick up the room when it was done....but I had to get all of it back. I actually dug through the trash (seeing as how most was bagged or boxed up) and washed it all. I really felt horrible. The worst part was realizing that nobody WANTED me to be who I was...and who I am today. That....passed. I know if my wife ever did anything like that, I would be so devastated, I would have to tell her about it. I would be open, as this would change who I am forever.

[rachel_rachel]

I don't think i could ever say that it'd never happen but if it did i can't put down here what i'd be doing.....

[Kate T]

I continue to be astounded by the "tit for tat" reactions of a large number of respondents to posts like this.

Chrismy, what your wife did was unfair and wrong. Not only that, it does not help you, her or your relationship. Once she can move beyond the feelings of anger and betrayal she will understand this. I agree with Lynn Marie that one of the biggest problems with DADT is that there is no way for either party to move forward through feelings of anger and betrayal and sadness and work towards acceptance. This is basic grief counselling stuff that I am sure that everyone will have at least heard of.

"If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic." A common bible verse, appearing in Luke and Matthew I believe. Why did Jesus say this (and for any non christians there are plenty of similar quotes and tenets at the root of most other major religions and spiritual movements)? Because he KNEW that to respond in anger would only incite more anger, and another response, and more and more and more. Where will it stop. Jesus was saying that you have the power to stop it. The stronger person is the one who does not respond in kind but seeks to understand, to help and ultimately to love.

[chrismy]

this is gone all gone to me for now... still reeling but have made zero rash decisions. many factors to be considered ... the more i ponder the situation .. the more certain the line in the sand has been crossed forever one way or another.. ahhh .. so tiring .. hope to us all

[KarenCDFL]

I usually don't respond to posts like this because of getting flamed and so on but IMHO, what your wife did to you was a total destruction of the Marital Vows.

I don't think I could stay in a marriage like this. We all know what the vows are and how could anyone who says "I will love you forever" hurt you so much by committing this act.

It was not just that she threw everything out, she wanted to hurt you. Plain and simple.

I can't imagine what she would do if you had some horrible disease that could claim your life. Or maybe that would be better than you wearing feminine clothing.

I am sorry, this is just how I felt after reading your post.

I wish you the best no matter how this ends.

[GinaM]

I honestly can kind of see the wifes side. First it sounds as if the CDing was a secret and when it came out the wife wasn't happy. Then, as she was trying to deal with this all of a sudden the women's clothing made its way into the closets. Now, the wife has to see this every time she goes into the closet and be reminded of it. Top things off with other problems in the marriage and the wife finally had enough. She knew purging all these things would make her feel better and hurt your feelings at the same time. It was a win/win for her.

[sterling12]

Eventually, your stuff you can replace! You were going to do a "clean-out" anyway, weren't you?

I think the last time around, the general consensus from us Folks who aren't on The Scene was to cut your loses, and move on with your life. I have a feeling your wife is going to "preempt", and make that decision for you! I'd be getting a lawyer right now. If you have jointly held assets, I would be trying to figure out ways to protect your interest's. Right now, you feel "devastated." In a few weeks or months, your going to feel "ripped-off," if you don't protect yourself!

You DON'T know that she has destroyed your property, so as others have advised; NOW is the time to have that candid talk with no BS from either of you. Your probably going to feel very bad when that discussion gets finished, but at least you will know where you stand. You are now probably realizing just how important your femme-self has become. Be honest, and truthful. Be civil, but don't lie about the situation.

Perhaps you two can talk and engineer a equitable settlement without the need to destroy one another. These things are never easy to face, they are never without heartache and consequences. Protect yourself! In this scenario, don't get the outcome that results in too many turns on a wood screw! Remember, your The Piece of wood. Imagine The Results!

Peace and Love, Joanie

[chrismy]

I honestly can kind of see the wifes side. First it sounds as if the CDing was a secret and when it came out the wife wasn't happy. Then, as she was trying to deal with this all of a sudden the women's clothing made its way into the closets. Now, the wife has to see this every time she goes into the closet and be reminded of it. Top things off with other problems in the marriage and the wife finally had enough. She knew purging all these things would make her feel better and hurt your feelings at the same time. It was a win/win for her.


I think GinaM has a very good description of how this transpired actually. except for the win/win part.. I feel in the end it will be a win/win/lose unfortunately. I told her in January. Things were very rough for a couple of months. Then there were times of what seemed like a semi-toleration of the situation. Then there would be times of slowly building resentment... I could recognize the cycles but could not seem to effect them. These times... whenever I got an incoming txt on my phone, my stomach would knot up .... mentally abusive words for me (this only started this year). I believe what happened last Thursday was insuppressible (for her) resentment that finally exploded. I had cooked a pork tenderloin and had dinner ready when she got off work, washed and dried clothes and towels. Did a few other household chores. I am out in the garage (man cave kinda deal --- how ironic is that?!?!) and get several txt messages...

were u dressed like a woman today?
i didnt immediately reply
what no answer?
then .. u did didnt you
reply ... if i did, if i didnt, would it make any difference how you felt
then .. u like to dress as women when u do housework - (she is right after all)

thats when she nuked me......

there are intense communication issues now. you would not believe how few words 2 people could say to each other in 4 days. i am trying to come out of my daze but keep slipping back into it. This has developed into an intolerable situation that I refuse to spend the rest of my life in ... life is just way to precious and fleeting and @56 how much time really do I have left??? ... I realize this. As far as to what the immediate future will hold .... our youngest daughter is getting married next month and she is an amazingly wonderful person and I dont want my problems affecting her big day..)) So I will bide my time and attempt to figure out if I am looking @ an adult dissolution or armageddon. I will hope for the former but plan for the latter. As far as material possesions go I would really be happy to go with a bare minimum, she does deserve the majority of 30 years of our work together and I do feel responsible for the whole mess even though it is something that is part of me and there is truely nothing I can do about that.

[bimini1]

When I was a teen, my mother purged most of my things, and totally went through my whole room. Not only did I have to pick up the room when it was done....but I had to get all of it back. I actually dug through the trash (seeing as how most was bagged or boxed up) and washed it all. I really felt horrible. The worst part was realizing that nobody WANTED me to be who I was...and who I am today. That....passed. I know if my wife ever did anything like that, I would be so devastated, I would have to tell her about it. I would be open, as this would change who I am forever.


My mom found some stuff of mine and burned it up. Those were some rough rough times. I really feel for the OP. I don't know what in the hell I'd do at this point.

[Stephanie47]

Once the cat is out of the bag. The issue is in the open. How you wife sees you will forever be changed. Many on this site have accepting and supportive wives. Others live in a DADT union. However, when a spouse shows such disrespect for their mate, then that is a different issue. If your wife is so adamantly opposed to cross dressing, even if you swear of cross dressing and never dress again, your marriage will never be the same. More importantly, you'll never be the same.

At age 56 you have a lot of time left. The question is whether you want to live in an arrangement dictated by your wife for the rest of those days or express yourself freely.

[Jodi]

I believe you have your head in the sand. You must face thefact that your marriage is over. It's time togo into survival mode. Now is the time to get a good lawyer. You will need it.

Jodi

[ReineD]

There is WAY more going on in your home than you presented here. This is a blow up,to some long standing issue. I do not believe that any relationship is so one sided. You need to be objective about her and yourself and have a conversation. Barring mental illness, your relationship is really unhealthy for something like this to occur.

Totally agree with this. I remember how you introduced the CDing to her in the first place. First you said you wanted to be shaved down there just like her, and after she did this you said the area was stinging so much you needed to wear hose for comfort. After she bought a pair of tights, you said that you wanted pantyhose. You never came out and told her what was really on your mind, and I don't blame her for feeling as if she was played for a fool and developing a negative outlook of the CDing from the onset.

I don't agree with her actions, but I strongly recommend that you learn how to be forthright about who you are and what you need. If you manage to communicate this and if she still objects to the concept of a man who wears feminine things (she is not sharing her house with another woman ... unless you plan on transitioning, she is sharing her house with a man who wears women's clothing), you need to get down to the finer details with her (nicely) and try to find out what it is, exactly, that she fears will happen and what does she think the CDing is about, exactly, and how does this differ from the way that you see it.

If the two of you cannot get on the same page, then you need to seek the help of a marriage counselor, not to get her to "accept" the CDing, but to teach each one of you how to effectively communicate your needs and discuss things in a sane manner. If after all of this you both are still at an impasse, then you'll both need to make some serious decisions about your futures together.

[chrismy]

Totally agree with this. I remember how you introduced the CDing to her in the first place. First you said you wanted to be shaved down there just like her, and after she did this you said the area was stinging so much you needed to wear hose for comfort. After she bought a pair of tights, you said that you wanted pantyhose. You never came out and told her what was really on your mind, and I don't blame her for feeling as if she was played for a fool and developing a negative outlook of the CDing from the onset.

I don't agree with her actions, but I strongly recommend that you learn how to be forthright about who you are and what you need. If you manage to communicate this and if she still objects to the concept of a man who wears feminine things (she is not sharing her house with another woman ... unless you plan on transitioning, she is sharing her house with a man who wears women's clothing), you need to get down to the finer details with her (nicely) and try to find out what it is, exactly, that she fears will happen and what does she think the CDing is about, exactly, and how does this differ from the way that you see it.

If the two of you cannot get on the same page, then you need to seek the help of a marriage counselor, not to get her to "accept" the CDing, but to teach each one of you how to effectively communicate your needs and discuss things in a sane manner. If after all of this you both are still at an impasse, then you'll both need to make some serious decisions about your futures together.


of course there are more issues... how ridiculous to think otherwise... u 2 seem to overstate the obvious and belabor it repeatedly on multiple threads... you have your right to your opinion and i have the same right to state .. quit beating the same old horse... there are always other dynamics that cannot be relayed word for word for you to deconstruct every nuance

[Veronica Lodge]

Specifically, toss all her slacks - pants - shorts and tell her you don't plan to live with a man.

Thanks for taking the edge off this very sad thread with a good laugh.

[STACY B]

Nothing But Fluff ,,,Let her throw um away who cares ? Hell If my wife threw it all away I would just laugh ,,I got it all one time an I will get it again Baby shitt !! Man Woman ,,What ever ya are or what ever ya call your self ,,Just pull up your panties an make some money an buy it all again !! But This sure ain't no Cross dressing issue ,,Your a fool if you think it is ,,This is a Power issue , You gotta figure out if your gonna stay an play by her rules or go an play by yours ? Next time ya buy it all put it in your own place an if it comes a miss there it's called breaking an entering ,,,A felony !!

[ReineD]

of course there are more issues... how ridiculous to think otherwise... u 2 seem to overstate the obvious and belabor it repeatedly on multiple threads... you have your right to your opinion and i have the same right to state .. quit beating the same old horse... there are always other dynamics that cannot be relayed word for word for you to deconstruct every nuance

If I repeat some things in different threads, it is because I'm addressing similar issues with different members, just like any other member who does the same.

If I said something in a way that pushed your buttons, I'm sorry. I was doing my best to explain why I believe your wife has issues with the CDing, based on the things that you yourself have posted in prior threads. My post was not meant to put you down, but rather was a suggestion for moving forward so that you can express yourself at home without having your wife throw your things out.

[chrismy]

Nothing But Fluff ,,,Let her throw um away who cares ? Hell If my wife threw it all away I would just laugh ,,I got it all one time an I will get it again Baby shitt !! Man Woman ,,What ever ya are or what ever ya call your self ,,Just pull up your panties an make some money an buy it all again !! But This sure ain't no Cross dressing issue ,,Your a fool if you think it is ,,This is a Power issue , You gotta figure out if your gonna stay an play by her rules or go an play by yours ? Next time ya buy it all put it in your own place an if it comes a miss there it's called breaking an entering ,,,A felony !!

i hear ya,,, it did wreck me but anything material can always be replaced... even though this was like making a napalm pass after a bombing run... dont really think there is but one path forward at this point.

[chrismy]

If I repeat some things in different threads, it is because I'm addressing similar issues with different members, just like any other member who does the same.

If I said something in a way that pushed your buttons, I'm sorry. I was doing my best to explain why I believe your wife has issues with the CDing, based on the things that you yourself have posted in prior threads. My post was not meant to put you down, but rather was a suggestion for moving forward so that you can express yourself at home without having your wife throw your things out.

even though i never agree with you.. i thank you for your kind, caring soul to many.. luv ya

[Jenniferathome]

of course there are more issues... how ridiculous to think otherwise... u 2 seem to overstate the obvious and belabor it repeatedly on multiple threads... you have your right to your opinion and i have the same right to state .. quit beating the same old horse... there are always other dynamics that cannot be relayed word for word for you to deconstruct every nuance

Wow, this closed minded response is exactly why you and your wife are in a doomed relationship. You presented a scenario that was unprovoked and clearly the action of some horrible bitch. But that is not what happened as you indicate here with "more issues." How ridiculous to think otherwise? Because you presented a very different scenario! You show no objectivity and that will be your demise. You can save this relationship but you have to start with you, not her. Good luck

[Chloe75]

It would be a good idea to consider seeing a counselor or an understanding pastor. I believe that the marriage is the most sacred of relationships and we have responsibility to each other in our marriages. Try and talk with someone who can actually help. Just some thoughts...

[ReineD]

even though i never agree with you.. i thank you for your kind, caring soul to many.. luv ya

Likely a lot of CDers don't agree with what I say and it's OK. I really do try to present it from their wives' points of views (my best guess of what the wife may be thinking), in an attempt to bridge the gap between the two. A lot of times this is not successful, but sometimes it is.

I wish you and your wife all the best, no matter how your situation ends up playing out.

:hugs:

EDIT - Whatever you do, don't toss her things, unless you decide to end it and you're out for revenge ... although I personally believe that people are ultimately happier when they take the high road.

[RADER]

Specifically, toss all her slacks - pants - shorts and tell her you don't plan to live with a man.

This is a good idea; Just because she is female, it does not give her the rite to throw out your
things. I would be looking for a good Lawyer, If she does that, guard the check book, I bet she
emptied it into a separate account where you can not reach any money. It Happened to me.
Rader

[Terri]

I don't have enough info from both sides to really form an opinion... but you will both be in my prayers.

[chrismy]

sorry for any snippy replies... its not an excuse but im still devastated..thanks to all that participate.. we are not alone, huh? ... very thankful for the knowledge of that.. it will help me sleep tonite so thanks again

[linda allen]

chrismy, You have received some good advice and a lot of childish, bad advice. It's easy for someone who has never been married to suggest that you throw out your wife's clothes, but that's what a ten year old might do.

This is something you're going to have to figure out yourself. Marriage counseling might help, it might not.

Only you can decide if the marriage is worth saving. If you love her and she loves you, it's worth a shot. If not, it may be time for both of you to move on and find loving partners or live alone.

I wish you the best. :hugs:

[chrismy]

After over 24 hours of zero communication....
In the bedroom floor are 3 Xlarge black trash bags....

1st thought --- amazed that i think .. i dont really want it back do i??.. it seems cheapened at a deep level. so much effort, time and money rite there and yet i feel like i dont want anything until i can have it not susceptible to being taken hostage in a garbage bag..

2nd thought .... the stash was hiding in the trunk of her car.. ).
that i have no access to ... i truely believed gone for 4 days.

so i moved the bags back into the closet (irony) unopened. untouched. there is a fork in every road. i know that i am worn out right now mentally and emotionally but will continue to not make a rash move. thanks to all for thier replies.. thanks to the ones i disagree with also .. if everyone thought the same ..(yada yada).. right?
love yall

[AlysonCD]

I recently broke up with my live in girlfriend of 10 years. According to her, my cding was one of the reasons she wanted to leave.(wasn't the only reason) I told her on the second date about my dressing. Every once and a while I would dress around her but usually, I did it when she wasn't at home. At first, I was devastated, couldn't eat or work I was such a mess. But now I am over her and am glad I can do what I want. I know the situation you are in isn't the same, but I wanted you to know that you aren't alone in this

[jsunic_1978]

I was never married nor in long relationships, mainly due to vibes I just give off, something isn't right with me, then my attitude maybe. Im too much of an open book, body language I guess. I just recently came right out in the open with women. This is what I like to do. I look at the woman's point of view by assuring them I wont dress around them. I just don't want to be rejected so I just tell right away. I wish I could just hide my body language better and just not mention my dressing at all, then I would just have a stroke, for real. This relationship your in can be saved. Maybe the two of you just need time to individually do what you each enjoy or just a second honeymoon, but leave the dressing in the back burner for a while. I hope I helped and I like to try.

[Babeba]

So,

She didn't throw your things out after all. I think that is very positive! Things are not as bad as you had thought.

What you need to do now though, is work HARD at your communication with her... Especially because you and she have loved each other for 30 years, and have a beautiful daughter who doesn't need to think (every time her anniversary rolls around) that her getting married was a source of secret pain to her parents who had to 'pretend' to have it together.

I feel like you have a month to try and work things out a little better. This will involve boundaries a bit, both for her and for you. For example, you seem to have major anxiety over text message communication being about dressing stuff; so why not ask for conversations to be face to face instead so you don't feel that 'dread' and you two can speak face to face to make for fewer miscommunications? I think another good boundary may be for you to keep your things out of the closet until she brings it up with you and invites them in (if ever).

Boundaries are things which help define where each person ends and begins in a relationship. They are about being clear, and helping each other to remain healthy. Another important boundary is 'I' statements. It helps keep a conversation from being accusatory.

[ReineD]

there is a fork in every road.

Thanks for coming back and telling us. I'm so relieved that your wife had a change of heart. I can understand you having mixed feelings and being angry about all of this, but I hope that you will see this as an opening for a discussion with your wife ... the kind of discussion that gets to the heart of matters. This isn't easy for you or for her.

I don't know you or your wife obviously. But I do know that few wives understand, truly understand, how much you need to express Chrismy, how much Chrismy is a part of you. If she loves you (I"m assuming that she does), it's hard to believe that she would disregard your feelings like this, if she truly understood the devastation you've experienced during the last few days. Honestly, many of the wives who are not open to the CDing believe it to be no more than a hobby that they disapprove of, and that getting rid of the clothes is enough to stop the behavior. We all know in this forum that this is not true, but then we've educated ourselves about this. Your wife hasn't, and she needs your help. She needs to know that your need to express femiinity is much deeper than just putting on clothes and makeup and having fun and if she can come to understand this, and if she can feel secure that she will also not lose her husband (if you are a CDer and not TS), maybe it will make a difference.

I hope that you will approach her with an open heart and a conciliatory attitude, and also a degree of compassion for the difficulties she is experiencing in accepting that her husband needs to express femininity. If you do this, hopefully she will cease to feel threatened about the CDing and she will begin to approach it with an open heart too.

Good luck!

[Chickhe]

What you need to do is tell her exactly what you said on here...about your feelings...feeling violated etc... but, also throw is some humility...you want her to be happy and you feel like a failure in that respect... she might be feeling neglected so ask her if she wants you to massage her toes or something....

[Foxglove]

Hi, Chrismy!

Another of my two cents' worth: with people you never know.

A few months ago I came out to my son. I felt I no longer had any choice. I had no idea what to expect from him: shock, repulsion, disgust? I was hoping he'd be OK because of our history together. And in fact he was perfectly accepting.

Second blow (from his point of view): I went to see him last week to tell him I'd come to a decision. I was coming out of the closet in the little town I live in. Everybody here was going to know exactly what I was. I thought this would be an even harder thing for him to accept than my first revelation. Perhaps it was, but he took it equally well. He let me know he was still with me.

Last night we were texting each other on Skype and I let him know what I had done that day. Without going into the details, I told him that I'd been out on the town that afternoon fully dressed as a woman. Would something like that be hard for a young lad to accept? I think it must be. But what he said was that he was worried that the people of this town would give me a lot of grief for it. That was his chief worry.

Chrismy, over the last week I've outed myself to a number of people besides my son, and I've learned two main lessons, I think. One, if people already feel some sort of love or liking or respect for you, it's easier for them to accept you. Secondly, if you succeed in communicating to them (and I think I succeeded in that this week) how much you need this to be happy, how deeply a part of you it is, it's easier for them to accept you. Emphasize that you're not trying to upset them, that you know how hard this can be for them, but it's simply something you need in order to live. If they can come to some sort of understanding of that, they might find it easier to begin accepting you.

This won't always work, of course. It depends on who you're dealing with. Some simply can't accept CDing no matter what. But if you and your wife want to try to save your marriage, see if you can give her a glimpse of what's going on deep inside you. At the same time, you have to try to get a glimpse of what's going on inside her. This sort of thing isn't easy for either side. Your possibilities are going to be limited by her reactions. You have to try to understand those reactions.

And maybe try to have some sympathy for her. I have a lot of sympathy for my son. This can't be easy for him. But when you really need something, that's the way it is. You try to go forward, but if you love someone, you try to make things as easy as possible on them.

My two cents' worth.

Best wishes, Annabelle

[bridgetta]

You know. Its not worth being mad. She made a mistake. Try to listen to her feelings. I think that crossdressing is difficult to nderstand even for us. SO's think dont understand its wgo we are.

They get confused thinking that if they accept it it will get worse. They dont realize ut is already "worse" and that we are the ones who control it for the benefit of others nd the disservice to ourselves.

[chrismy]

after 48 hours of no communication..
txt -- is there someone else?
no
txt -- do you not love your wife anymore?
ur the one that hates thier partner, not me (i am guilty of bitterness here)
txt -- i never stopped loving you

a while later..
i propose for sat
figure out what is needed to hang new watercolors
walk the trail again and talk some things out sat afternoon
pick up what is needed to hang art
have dinner together somewhere

she accepted ..
im so tired ....
maybe someone can learn from my mistakes

[Kate T]

Chrismy

I would see it this way. Your wife made a mistake and hurt you. She realised this and has tried to extend an olive branch by returning the bags of clothes. If you both still love each other and if you want your relationship to work then you must now take the olive branch. To succeed though I don't think DADT will work anymore. Your wife NEEDS to at least see how much this means to you, she will need to see that this is a part of you. She may not like it but it is possible that she can and will still love you despite it.

For your part you will now need to reestablish and respect the boundaries that you can agree on. You may feel that it is a "step backward" but if your wife agrees then she will be making a few steps backward herself. Try and find some common ground.

Good luck. I wish you both well.

[Babeba]

It sounds like the two of you are afraid to talk to each other. How come? What's the worst that she could say? What's the worst you could say?

Can you start at the basics (you still love each other) and build up from there again?

[ReineD]

I think this is just a very hard set of conversations to have, especially for you, Chrismy.

I remember once seeing a video posted on this forum by one of our members in a hotel room. She had the camera on a desk, filming herself as she was trying to get up enough courage to go out into the hallway. Hearing the nervousness in her voice, and seeing what seemed like abject terror in her eyes, made me realize for the first time just how scary it is for most CDers to leave the closet and go out into the world for the first time. It was then that I realized how brave CDers are, for having the courage to be themselves. This member did make it into the hallway, but it was short lived. She heard someone else coming out of their room and her heart was racing so much that she high-tailed it back to her own room. Gosh, this was difficult for her. She posted a lot here for a few years and eventually she did make it out into a hallway, then outside, then on to other places.

I think that you are facing a similar "leaving of the closet", by telling your wife what is in your heart and what the CDing means to you. I may be wrong, but if it's true I can understand how unsettling this would be, since if your wife rejects it, she would no longer just be rejecting the clothes, she'd be rejecting you. And I can't imagine a greater pain for a husband who loves his wife.

So again, I wish you all the best and I hope the talks go well for you. You do need to let her in though, explain to her what this is all about and try to help her to understand, if you want her to stop thinking of it as just a little hobby that she does not like. This will be the hardest part ... letting her in. Hopefully, in time, she will be able to see that you need to express Chrismy, even if she chooses to not be involved.

[jsunic_1978]

of course, when a guy crosses my path i just look away, no eye contact. Some do make an effort just to be polite and say hello, then I glance real quick and say hi back and keep walking. But women..,, MMMM :) its so much fun gabbing with them. at the same time, I can show i am very much into women, but its not that obvious and just have great conversations :)