A few things I pondered today....

[Jessica86]

A lot of failing relationship threads lately, and I'm upset at some of the things I'm seeing. Maybe I'm just wasting breath, but I just have to say, enough with the "he should have been open" "he should, he should he should," things. Last time I checked, it takes TWO people to make a child. TWO people to take care of them, and TWO people to hold a marriage in tact. Let's not always make the males on the site feel at fault because they "waited" or "approached wrong." The fact is they took a step to better themselves. Most of the time, it isn't for themselves...but for the family. Some times, they are wrong....and other times....plainly...they are not...but still called at fault in these threads. Some posts have also been MAGICALLY deleted because they are not the...let's say..."majority" opinion. Why? Why is our honesty being blocked in a place that constantly preaches honesty? People need to know the truth. The whole truth.

One other question. Why can people say "he should stop dressing for the kids." Would it be wrong for me to say "She should have learned to accept him for the kids." I've never seen that anywhere. Maybe only the guys are expected to live the rest of their lives in misery, as if all the years of stress of hiding something of this caliber wasn't enough.

[Beverley Sims]

I try to leave children out of CD discussions unless there is an accepting spouse.
Children do not need to know our sexual, recreational activities.
If it comes up at an appropriate time and children are accepting so be it.
It does take two to tango and if you are not good at it, work on it.
Tearing each other's hair out and having a cat fight is not my solution to resolving marriage problems.
I did get slightly inflamed about a situation the other day along with others but the thread was wisely closed before I could enter the fray again.
So if you have problems work it out, it can be fun making up and the grass is not greener on the other side.
End of my pondering. :)

[ChelseaErtel]

I do think a CD should leave the children out of the equation if it's not a big part of your life. But if it's a larger part as in going out and enjoying things dressed as a woman, then perhaps they should know. Evey situation is different. I'm transsexual, not transitioning for a while, and eventually I will have to tell the children. One is 20 and he's liberal, smart and wonderful. My daughter, 13, is a concern, but she is also very smart.

I have just told my wife (last Thursday) I'm transsexual. She is the most wonderfully giving person on this earth. I expected fireworks and I got hugs. It hurts, but she is accepting and gradually asking questions. We had a makeup conversation yesterday - wow!

But telling the children will be difficult. Socially, what does it mean to daddy's little girl? My wife is much more concerned that me, I think they will get it and be fine with it eventually. I also believe my wife will come around to seeing we need to tell the children. The important think how we tell them. They, especially my daughter, will pick up on all the clues that my wife gives off and I know now they are positive.

I will not go out in our community dressed, even when I begin HRT. I won't do that because of my close ties to so many of the local politicians. I won't put that social stigma on my children's back. In public, at least in my town, I will be dad. My gender issue is not all about me since I have a family. My children and wife are first, and I am last.

I've been suppressing my inner woman for so long I can go on for a while more now that the cat is out of the bag and my wife is accepting and supportive. She even picked up some makeup cleaner and some new eyeshadow she saw and thought would look good on both of us.

I'm lucky, I still have my wife. We know that whatever the future brings, we will have each other and the love it there and not going away. We realize that our love was more girl friends now, the sex was always marginal and non existent in the last 5-7 years. We can be companions, we have so much more in common.

Kids are smart. They get it better than my generation and are more accepting. Our schools have LGBT support officially sponsored. So, will we tell our children. I am pretty sure we will in the next couple of years. If I have to dress drab that's OK, I can get out 4 or 5 times a week, shop, go to support groups as the woman I am with wifely support. Bloody amazing.

Somebody tell me to shut up, I'm so wordy.

[JamieQ]

A lot of failing relationship threads lately, and I'm upset at some of the things I'm seeing. Maybe I'm just wasting breath, but I just have to say, enough with the "he should have been open" "he should, he should he should," things. Last time I checked, it takes TWO people to make a child. TWO people to take care of them, and TWO people to hold a marriage in tact. Let's not always make the males on the site feel at fault because they "waited" or "approached wrong." The fact is they took a step to better themselves. Most of the time, it isn't for themselves...but for the family. Some times, they are wrong....and other times....plainly...they are not...but still called at fault in these threads. Some posts have also been MAGICALLY deleted because they are not the...let's say..."majority" opinion. Why? Why is our honesty being blocked in a place that constantly preaches honesty? People need to know the truth. The whole truth.

One other question. Why can people say "he should stop dressing for the kids." Would it be wrong for me to say "She should have learned to accept him for the kids." I've never seen that anywhere. Maybe only the guys are expected to live the rest of their lives in misery, as if all the years of stress of hiding something of this caliber wasn't enough.

Yes...we should have been open. Unfortunately yrs ago I think many of us thought this was a nasty habit or some kind of disease, so we did not disclose it. Times have changed rapidly and to do over again I would disclose it in the beginning.

[Jenniferathome]

Jessica, you are making a one sided argument from the crossdressers viewpoint only! It does take two. You are right there. But imagine the husband told the wife, I had an affair. Should she just deal with it? Of course, infidelity is far worse in my opinion, but to a wife, the SECRET withheld is the first betrayal. The act is the second. I don't think any of us can expect a wife to accept but we can all hope so. It takes two and because of that, any healthy relationship can overcome crossdressing.

[Angela Campbell]

Because of the norms set upon us by society, crossdressing is something that can bring many unpleasant things into someones life. To protect the kids is important. Children can be viscous to other children when "something" is different about them or their family. A childs life - or a spouses life - can be turned into an ugly thing if the knowlege of a mans crossdressing or being transexual is public. I would think anyone who loves their family would want to protect them from such things. The spouse is not the transgendered one, the kids are not the transgendered ones....the husband and father is. Though he did not choose this in his life, neither did the rest of the family who will be thrown into a situation with little time in their life to prepare for it and without making any choice in the matter.

When a man discloses to his spouse in private of this new detail in her life it brings about many things. Shock, fear, anger over the secret, and many times a total loss of respect for the man she thought she knew who turned out to be something else. It seemed to me in my life that it was time at the beginning of the relationship to either be honest and tell or if I decided to keep it a secret, to keep it a secret forever. Learning about something like this years into a relationship is just not fair to the rest of the family and if done this way should be entered into with the knowlege that you are taking a risk of losing the whole thing. Trading your family for the ability to be out in the open.

Whether or not a marriage can endure such a disclosure is dependant on the people involved. There are some who will just never accept such a thing, some who will for the sake of love, and some who will find it interesting and even pleasing. I expect there are more of the first kind.

[Jessica86]

I think my point was missed. I never said any of those things. I come at this situation with the attitude of BOTH people need to put forth sacrifice for their children. I think children should know because facts show the sooner children know, the less likely they are to have psychological effects. It is the dresser's job to tell as early as possible. I mean to tell their wife. Their kids, that is a personal parenting decision. I also think, and catch a lot of flack for this, that the female in the relationship SHOULD have SOME degree of acceptance in the matter.....if they have children in the relationship. Why sacrifice permanent damage to your children forever for a behavior that could simply be "Well, I hate it, don't let me see it, and do it behind closed doors." That is SO much easier than paying thousands on attorney's fees, forcing kids to testify in child custody hearings, and trying to tell your kids why they don't have a daddy. Two people should sacrifice. It rarely happens, but it is my view on it.

[Marissa V]

I think a lot of it comes from the fact that the wives get told after being married a long time. When you meet a woman, and you date a long time, get married and have kids and THEN tell her about crossdressing the fact may well be that she totaly refuses to accept it. And then the fights begin about who should give in as we read many times over. But where does this problem plant its seed? In the fact that the CD never told his (then) girlfriend about it. If he did back then the outcome would have been way different, in a lot of cases with relationships stopping before they well begin. Wich in turn leads to not having these treads made about failing relationships because they would never have happened.
And yet, i do see your point too Jessica. When you get married there is that line that says love in good and bad times. I do see your point where its a matter of talking about it, setting boundries, agreeing to telling the kids or not ect. And ofc both partners need to agree on that. But just blaming the wife that never knew until a certain point where she found out or was told after lets say 10-15-20 yrs of marriage is too easy aswell. As you said, both need to make sacrifices. But ask yourself the question, if a crossdresser starts dating, wouldnt it be a 'must' that we tell our wife-to-be up front that we crossdress? Lets not forget what most of us feel like when we're not 'allowed' to dress, it goes way beyond just putting on clothes and make up. If you want sacrifices from a wife/girlfriend you (we, us CD) need to be honest from day one. Can't have one without the other imo. Just my 2 cents...

[Daisy41]

Very interesting conversation. I was lucky to reveal to my wife early on about my crossdressing. It's basically an integarted part of our lives now. The real tricky part is dealing with our daughter. Right now I dress in front of her so that she knows daddy is the same, no matter why he looks like. She recognizes me end femme and will act no differently. The real issue comes when she's older and interacts with others. I am not looking forward to the first time she tells someone "daddy dresses like a girl sometimes". I am not so much worried about her own perception of the situation as to how others will try to tell us attempting to raise our daughter to know about my crossdressing. from the get go is wrong. I will say, I will keep it from her eyes if it does seem to cause a problem, but so far the only bad reaction has been my wig and that was her fear of the wig, not me in it. My daughter and wife are my #1 priority and I do not want this aspect to cause stress or hardship on either one of them.

[STACY B]

Oh yea ,,,Its easy to say this an that about what we should have done !! How bout this ,,If we would have had the internet back then we might have been different ? Just like when I worked off shore ,,If they would have had National Banks ab direct deposit I would not have had to go back home to get my pay checks ? So all the folks can't say we shoulda,,,Woulda,,Coulda,, Hell if I knew then what I know now hell I would be RICH !! Its real easy to Beat the Hell outta of some one after the fact !

[bobbimo]

Very good response Bev. You took the words right out of my mouth
Bobbi

[bobbimo]

Chelsea,
I think its wonderful that you have discovered that you are much more than CD. I'm sure your life will be a whirlwind from now on, but I am surprised that you dont want to be more open.
For you being the woman you are, is what you are. Its no longer a hobby or a just fun thing that most of us do. This is the real thing. I would start now with your new life and enjoy the support of your loving wife.
Thats all I got, 'cept have a hug (((((((((((((((((((Chelsea))))))))))))))))))
Bobbi

[Tina B.]

Jessica, I got what you said the first time, and I have often thought the same thing, Many of us feel we don't have a choice in life but to dress, for what ever reason. I for one get depressed and am miserable if I don't give in to the compulsion to dress, back in my day, no one talked about it much, and I didn't realize just how much it was a part of me, until I tried to stop. I don't believe that makes me a bad person. And if a wife does not want to understand or is willing to learn how is that the guy's fault, for a marriage to work, I feel both sides need to work together, if a wife does not want to see it, OK, then make room for him to have private time, so that he can fulfill his needs, and don't add anymore guilt to it than he already feels. But if it requires breaking up the family, she is just as guilty of it as he is.