no way back

[SamanthaC]

I'm kinda in a mess :sad:. Up until a few days ago, I didn't believe a full MTF transition would result in a convincing female exterior ( please, no offence meant to anyone, was complete ignorance ). So much so, I seem to have ruled it out unconsciously for fear of a life of persecution. A few days ago, I discovered that an old work colleague and friend used to be a bloke. I had absolutely no idea, and worked with her closely for over a year. She had apparently finished transitioning a few years before that, but I don't know the details. Since finding out that, I couldn't stop myself from contemplating and investigating what could be for me.

Hence why I'm a complete mess. Something I wouldn't consider for 33 years now seems actually plausible. This has thrown my thoughts and mental state in a spin to the point where I'm having difficulty sleeping, getting headaches, and can't muster concentration for anything much. And I'm pretty sure that there's no way back now that I've allowed myself to consider transitioning.

Now there's endless questions and thoughts going around in my head. I'm recalling the countless times in my life I've looked in a mirror wanting to see a female reflection. The countless times I've looked at other women jealously, just for being something I'm not. The countless times I've laid in bed imagining and fantasising about being a woman. All the times I've wished to magically wake up female. It's really weighing me down :sad:.

I didn't mention any of that last paragraph in my intro post, knowing my GF is going to read it. And to be fair, it wasn't at the forefront of my mind. Cross-dressing over the last four or five months has been fantastic. I've allowed myself to embrace the femme inside and see where it goes. But this is now beyond dressing.

I plan to go find a therapist later this week. But this is doing my head in without being able to talk to anyone about it. And I'm not sure I want to mention this to my GF for fear of losing her.

Anyone here with wisdom and advice on holding myself together for now?

[docrobbysherry]

Not only have I not transitioned, Quad, I'm not even TS. I'm sure others here r more qualified to give u good advice.
However, I did meet a number of CDs who transitioned. Including SRS and FFS surgeries. For all, it was a long, heart breaking journey. If u wish to follow in their footsteps, I suggest u consider that u r standing on step #1 of a stairway that goes out of site!

And, if you're all that concerned about your current GF, u may never get to step #2. The girls I'm referring to lost SO's, wives, jobs, friends, and everything that's important to most of us. But, they now wake up every morning as females. Is it worth THAT much to u? Think about it.

[RADER]

Sherry;
You make a good point. That was well spoken.
Rader

[Badtranny]

But, they now wake up every morning as females. Is it worth THAT much to u? Think about it.

Wow Doc, that's good writin' right there. Right on the money.

Quad, when I was growing up the scrappy guys had a little thing they would say when they were facing off with another dude; If you're feeling froggy, than leap. My advice to you is the same, just leap already if it's that agonizing.

...OR you could get a hold of yourself and start learning what it really means to transition in real life. Think about how you'll come out. Think about how you'll live when you are a woman that is very obviously transsexual. Nobody starts off beautiful or even passing except the 1% who are extremely gifted genetically. Are you prepared to not be taken seriously? Are you prepared for people to question your ability, or morals, or ethics, or insinuate that you're perverted?

Transition is all day every day. Are you ready for that?

[ReineD]

Quad, I just want to mention that if your girlfriend is familiar with this site even if she is not a member, this section of the forum is publicly viewable. Just log out and have a look, you can still see this thread. So, you may want to discuss this with her before she finds it on her own?

As to the rest, I'm a GG and know nothing about transition so I will simply wish you all the best along your pathway to self-discovery. :hugs:

I do want to say though, that my SO (who has come to the conclusion that she is not TS) experienced similar feelings as you with regard to going out in public. For years she dressed at home thinking that she would be ridiculed while being herself with others. Eventually she got past that, rather her need to express herself outside of her closet became greater than her fear of ridicule, so she did become an expert at presenting as naturally as possible without physically altering her body. I dare say that when the possibility of experiencing life as a woman with others opened up before her, she also had difficulty with concentrating on other things for a while.

The lack of concentration affects everyone who discovers possibilities they previously felt were unattainable, no matter where they are along the trans spectrum, so you're not alone.

[TeresaL]

Sherry;
You make a good point. That was well spoken.
Rader
Yes it was!! Worst case scenario: Be prepared to lose absolutely everything including the shirt (or blouse) off your back. Everything and everyone. It has nothing to with how attractive a "bloke" can be, but depends on your bell gong off. She was probably pretty attractive to begin with. There are plenty of masculine and or ugly women at my malls. FFS will take the hardness and angularity from your face, and make a more attractive nose, plus a few other things. But it won't make an ugly male into a raving beauty.

Although passing is not the determining factor, it helps. If you are clocked now, you might be clocked after transitioning. Surgery doesn't make you a women, it creates congruity with the woman you already are.

Acknowledging the negatives first may prevent problems down the road. Hopefully none of the negatives cross your path, and you have an easy transitioning.

[SamanthaC]

But, they now wake up every morning as females. Is it worth THAT much to u? Think about it.

A very valuable question indeed. I've tried to give it some serious thought.

Every choice I've ever made in life has been to reach a state of happiness, based on all the information available at the time. Changing jobs, moving, holidays, breakups etc. All of those decisions have consequences, some severe. I'd moved 2000miles away from family. I'd spent every last cent of mine ( and the banks ) on an unplanned holiday. I've changed jobs whenever stress got too much, without having a job to go to. Looking back, I can't recall many decisions I regret, taking into account the challenges and consequences they bring.

I think it boils down to, which gender would I be happier living. It would undoubtedly be easier doing nothing at all, but that means living an inaccurate ( albeit convenient ) life. So, back to your question, is it worth that much to me? I think it is :sad:. Which is frightening because the question becomes, am I willing to go through years of uncertainty and difficulty to achieve this? With support, I believe the answer is yes :sad:.

I still need a counsellor before making any decisions.

[KellyJameson]

If you are comfortable talking about it I would be interested in hearing your words about what life would be like for you if you could step into physically presenting as female.

What aspects of your body are most important to change?

How will these changes give you the life you want or need?

Do you want these changes to be able to relate to others and have them relate to you as a woman and why?

Are there reasons other than relating to others that are only about your relationship to yourself?

Is there anything inside you that you have never been able to express in the body that you are in, a type of emotion that is locked inside you?

You mentioned that you have been crossdressing for a few months, did the crossdressing make your feelings stronger but before hand they were more manageable?

Using your imagination do you think the life you would live as a woman would be similar to other woman or do you imagine the exceptional life that only a few woman experience, because life for most women is difficult.

I think we sometimes hurt ourselves with how we imagine things will be when what we imagine is different than the reality.

For me transitioning is not about the experience of owning beauty but experiencing the integrity of the soul which makes everything else secondary but there is a need for a certain degree of acceptance to be able to express this true self that being perceived as female requires.

If you possess this soul than less change is needed on the outside because people experience the you on the inside and you discover this soul when you strip away all the reasons for transitioning except to give birth to it.

This sounds mystical but it is nothing other than the true expression of who we are when all other influences have been removed so you go back into yourself to find what was always there but not known for what it "is" but always left you feeling different from others stopping you from becoming what was expected of you because to do so felt unnatural.

It was there before gender and sex that both gender and sex are expressions of and all through life others felt it and it confused them, made them afraid and or angry.

We all walk our own unique path but some stories have a common theme if you look for it.

[kathtx]

Quad, whether you transition or not, it won't be easy. Melissa gave you a preview of what you have to look forward to if you do transition. I'd add that transition is expensive, that hormones and surgery involve health risks (true of any medication or surgery, no?), and that should you marry after transition the legal issues involving transsexual spouses are at best uncertain in those states or countries in which gay marriages are illegal.

But on the other hand, if you don't transition, you'll live every day with dissonance between body and soul, and live with nearly everyone you meet treating you as the wrong gender. Most importantly, if you hide your feelings from your GF, you'll be consigning yourself to playing forever the male she quite understandably assumes you are. To turn Sherry's question around, is maintaining a "normal" life worth that much to you?

If you're lucky and your GF is open to a relationship with you as a woman then maybe you can transition and stay together. You can also not transition, and if you're lucky she'll understand that you're non-transitioned transsexual and relate to you as another woman, or as a person of mixed gender, or as a transgendered male, or whatever the heck any of us non-transitioned folk are. Even then, unless you're also lucky enough to have acceptance of your family, her family, and friends, you'll be stuck playing the role of boyfriend or husband in most social interactions that aren't just the two of you.

None of us here can advise you how to choose. Heck, I'm still trying to figure it all out for myself. The one thing I *will* advise is that after enough therapy sessions to sort out whether this recent epiphany is something real, that you need to talk honestly with your GF. If you're TS, your relationship with her will change profoundly regardless of whether you go through with transition. Is she ready for that? Are *you* ready for that?

To give you some background: I did the therapy thing, got the GID diagnosis, all set to go, then everything got put on hold by my wife's much more serious health problems. She's better now, but ten years older now I don't know whether to start up again or to learn how to live as best I can without transition. I'm lucky: my wife is lesbian, enthusiastically supported my transition then and would support it enthusiastically now. If I don't transition, I'm still her wife, despite the anatomy. But even as lucky as I am, there are no easy or painless options.

So good luck, get thyself to therapy, and keep talking it through with the quirky, sometimes bristly, but ultimately friendly and helpful community of TS and TG and CD and GG and everything else here on the forum.

[SamanthaC]

The one thing I *will* advise is that after enough therapy sessions to sort out whether this recent epiphany is something real, that you need to talk honestly with your GF. If you're TS, your relationship with her will change profoundly regardless of whether you go through with transition. Is she ready for that? Are *you* ready for that?

This is one of my biggest concerns. Having said that, my GF is bi-sexual. And after initially admitting that I've always felt female many months ago, it was she who suggested cross-dressing. Since then, she has been supportive. At the same time, I've been very observant of her attitude towards me and cross-dressing, but have trouble reading her well ( hence the worry ). Definitely something I need to talk to her about, only a matter of when.

[kathtx]

If she's bi, there's some real hope.

[Saffron]

Quad I can relate to your story. I've been repressing my feelings for the entire life up to the point I started thinking in suicide, then I allowed myself to try CD only to find out that it was not just a need to dress, in fact it was nothing like that. I'm now into the road of transition, cause I know it's my only choice right now. I can loose my job, friends, risk to be seen as a freak, etc. but at least I will be here.

If you still are unsure about your TS, seek for counselling and talk with your SO. what helped most to realize my situation was to open my feelings to my family and friends. Just choose those who you think will be tolerant.

Good luck :)

[Kaitlyn Michele]

A I think it boils down to, which gender would I be happier living. It would undoubtedly be easier doing nothing at all, but that means living an inaccurate ( albeit convenient ) life. So, back to your question, is it worth that much to me? I think it is :sad:. Which is frightening because the question becomes, am I willing to go through years of uncertainty and difficulty to achieve this? With support, I believe the answer is yes :sad:.

I still need a counsellor before making any decisions.


This is smart way to think of it.. however,

the costs of changing your life are higher than you can possibly imagine, and you must be prepared to count yourself in one of the most marginalized groups of people on earth. We have no idea how you look, but its very rare that we fully and completely pass without expensive surgery...so focus not on passing but on living...if you pass you pass, if you don't you don't...can you live with that?? you really need to think hard about that because based on your op, you got hit with this by meeting a passable ts...

the only reason i'm a party pooper on this is that i think if you frame it around passing or as a quest for "happiness" you risk being terribly disappointed...i like better the idea that its a quest for peace of mind or a quest to be able to feel what its like to be honest and authentic with people...in the end you are comparing the incredibly high cost of transition vs the toll of feeling like you are living a lie...

I was able to transition at 48...it DIDNOT make me happy... it allowed me to authentically feel happy feelings, to feel fulfilled by common interactions with others, i can really feel "normal" now!!
This is despite the enormous cost in money, family and work..i lost my wife, lost my job..etc..I got alot of family support and that helped alot, but its not assured that your family will support you.

your initial post resonates with me because the impossibility of transition was something that protected me for many many years..and although it may seem to you and others that this is way too fast based on your OP...your experience is shared by others that had their "bell rung" and realized they have this issue...more realistically its that we allowed ourselves to accept that we had this issue..so i fully accept that you can feel like this came over you in a wave...i totally get it...it's a real thing and don't let anybody ever tell you different

Kelly's post has a lot of interesting thoughts that you can explore with a therapist..
If you are as focused and centered as you seem , you will benefit alot from therapy so you can make a good decision for yourself..

if possible , you should try to meet as many transsexuals as possible in your area to get the real deal stories......people that have transitioned could have the best and most important advice you can possibly get

[ElleduSud]

.... go back into yourself to find what was always there but not known for what it "is" but always left you feeling different from others stopping you from becoming what was expected of you because to do so felt unnatural.... and all through life others felt it and it confused them, made them afraid and or angry.

Oh yes, this.

And you think you're in the closet, but you're really not, because "all through life others felt it and it confused them, made them afraid or angry."

You're only fooling yourself.

[Babeba]

If she's bi, there's some real hope.

Why?

There are many GGs here supporting their spouses who are straight. And many bi women may have issues with some of the things that come up during transition.

Quad, I think you should have that conversation with your partner. How else can you know if the relationship is the right, supportive one to you both?

[Jorja]

Funny thing about humans, the biggest majority of us are not mind readers. Most of us aren't smart enough to just figure it out for ourselves. If there is something in your relationship that you are not 100% sure about, sit your partner down and talk about it. It may be nothing. On the other hand it might be a big problem. Only you two have the answers for what works in your relationship.

[SamanthaC]

An update... The sleeping and headache situation hasn't improved yet. Still emotionally and physically wrecked. I did book an appointment at a clinic in town which has skills dealing with gender identification issues though. That's tomorrow... I hope to get a referral to a therapist, and I'm hoping that they'll be able to help with my sleeping issues ( stupid over-active brain :Angry3: ).

And I took the advice and thought about how to reveal this to my GF... It all happened sooner than anticipated. Initially I was going to wait until after my appointment with the doc, but I accidentally mentioned the appointment. In retrospect, glad I didn't wait.

Was a very tough conversation for me... I started explaining, and when I couldn't' sum it up properly, just took her to this thread. I feel s$#!ful and terrible for lumping this on her, not fair on her... :sad:.

She did say something which threw me back though... more or less said she wasn't surprised, and suspected this because the cross-dressing isn't sexually motivated ( you know what I mean ). Why the hell can't I observe myself like that? Otherwise, she is supportive of me which is more than I could ever ask for.

So, the future is a rather uncertain now. Will see what the doc has to say, and take it a day at a time I guess.

[ReineD]

I'm glad you told her.

Also, sexual expression does not hinge on whether someone is a CD or a TS. There are many CDers for whom it isn't sexual and many TSs feel sexual when they dress, as an expression of their innate sexuality (I've read this from several post-ops).

I guess the old belief was, if the act of dressing is sexual then a person must be a CD and if it isn't, then she must be TS. But this isn't always true if you read both the CDers' and the TSs' posts in this forum.

[Saffron]

The main difference between CD and TS it's not about sexual arousal, but about how you feel about your gender. Basically if you are happy living as a man who crossdress, you're CD. If you dress to feel more like you, and don't like to be treated as a male, you're probably TS.

[SamanthaC]

Just got back from the doctor... Still jittery. I explained my past in brief, and how I'd just realised that there were options for people in the wrong body, and how that had hit me six ways from Sunday.

First thing the doc asked... So what do you want to do about this. To which I replied, well I already know what I want to do. :straightface: Then the doc explained a bit about the process.

I'm not sure how it is for you girls around the world, but apparently once some initial bloodwork is done, I'll be referred to a psychiatrist. After initial consults, apparently I'll be expected to live as a woman for a period of time before being declared TS, and before being prescribed HRT. :eek: :eek: :eek:

How do other people handle this?

Right now I feel fairly mentally collected ( thanks to one good nights sleep ), and I'm positive that this is something I want to pursue. But this description of the process terrifies me more now!!! More for the point of my job than anything else. I work with a craptonne of people. I could lose my job if not handled delicately. The rest of public life should be pretty do-able given time to physically and mentally prepare. I have self confidence issues already, so I'd want to at least pass as female at a long distance glance...

PS. Hello to that transitioning girl who was in the waiting room. I was far too nervous to say hello.

[ReineD]

This is a good document for you to read. It provides a benchmark for transition:

World Professional Association for Transgender Health - Standards of Care (http://www.wpath.org/documents/Standards%20of%20Care%20V7%20-%202011%20WPATH.pdf).

[Saffron]

you're talking about RLE (real life experience) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Real-life_experience_%28transgender%29

Usually, at least here, the RLE is recommended always from the start, but it's not mandatory. I don't think they will force you to go to work dressed, and even if they try, who will they know you're actually doing it? :)

You can start by going out dressed. I'm a very timid person and introverted. So it was like a miracle that I finally came out, and while I was petrified that day and the day after :D I can assure you that once you try it you'll want to repeat soon.

Essentially they want you to not be closeted, so once you start going to the clinic properly dressed, telling to your family and friends, etc. I think you'll be fine.

If you want to hide it at work for now I think they surely will understand you.

[kathtx]

Why?

There are many GGs here supporting their spouses who are straight. And many bi women may have issues with some of the things that come up during transition.

Quad, I think you should have that conversation with your partner. How else can you know if the relationship is the right, supportive one to you both?

Babs, I completely agree. The SO being bi is neither a necessary nor sufficient condition for everything working out. I didn't mean to suggest it did, just that it improves the odds.

[~Serena~]

@Quad: My therapist told me that I could still take HRT and not have to present myself as female at school but she said that I should try to be the feminine me everywhere else and I agreed. I told her I might come out at school if I felt comfortable enough to do so after being on hormones for awhile. She said that until I fully come out, living the double life will be hard and I won't ever know 100% that I won't run into someone I know from school. I'll verify my statement about the HRT during my next session just so I know I'm not giving you any wrong info. However I do remember her telling me that dressing out in public 24/7 for I think 1 or 2 years is required for SRS. But for me I feel like that HRT is already so far away so I'm not thinking about SRS at the moment. Its good you came out to your GF. Good luck I hope it works out for you!

Serena

[Rianna Humble]

It's not just a case of dressing in public, the Real Life Experience is living full-time as a woman, being known by your new name, doing business as the real you, eating, sleeping, thinking as a woman.

You are right though, that most places will want you to do at least 1 to 2 years RLE before they recommend you for surgery.

[SamanthaC]

@Quad: My therapist told me that I could still take HRT and not have to present myself as female at school but she said that I should try to be the feminine me everywhere else and I agreed. I told her I might come out at school if I felt comfortable enough to do so after being on hormones for awhile. She said that until I fully come out, living the double life will be hard and I won't ever know 100% that I won't run into someone I know from school. I'll verify my statement about the HRT during my next session just so I know I'm not giving you any wrong info. However I do remember her telling me that dressing out in public 24/7 for I think 1 or 2 years is required for SRS. But for me I feel like that HRT is already so far away so I'm not thinking about SRS at the moment. Its good you came out to your GF. Good luck I hope it works out for you!

Serena

Hi Serena, from reading a number of stories, seems that each state/country may have different process they promote. Guess I won't know for sure until I go see the therapist. And btw, your photos in your other thread look great.

An update as well... the last couple of days have been real hard. Many tears have been flowing... Basically, if I continue down this path, my GF says she can't stay with me. She doesn't want to spend her life with a woman.

And simply repressing this isn't fair on her either... It'll just bubble up some other time and cause grief then. I'm left almost hoping this is some form of insanity which can be cured without becoming a woman :sad:. Unlikely I think though.

[morgan51]

Welcome to my world I'm a woman already just trying to present that now. Loss seems to be a big part of transition for most. I know it hurts.

[ReineD]

I'm sorry about your girlfriend.



And simply repressing this isn't fair on her either... It'll just bubble up some other time and cause grief then. I'm left almost hoping this is some form of insanity which can be cured without becoming a woman :sad:. Unlikely I think though.

This is another reason for spending as much time in your target gender as you can. You need to see how it fits.

Serena alludes to maybe feeling more comfortable coming out at school after having been on hormones.

Do hormones make that much of a difference in the short term? I know it varies according to the individual. Hormones do soften skin and redistribute fat in the face and in the body a bit, and some transwomen experience breast growth. But, can a transwoman wear small forms during RLE until her own breast growth is adequate, if she has the genes for adequate breast growth? Also, hormones do not transform the basic facial structure from a male to a female face, and this is why many TSs get FFS. Hormones don't alter the voice or get rid of the beard, although the rest of the body hair does soften and reduce.

Maybe someone who has been through it can address this for you. My understanding from reading posts here is that the body changes from HRT vary according to the individual, and in some individuals it can take time (plus extra help with FFS, electrolysis & voice training), before the more salient male gender cues are diminished. And I'm wondering if maybe some newcomers to transition may put more stock into the changes that HRT will cause than there is? Would you rather wait until your male gender cues are gone, before you begin RLE?

[SamanthaC]

I'm sorry about your girlfriend.

I feel worse for her, and like a complete c@$!... she didn't ask for any of this. I love her so much. Seeing her sad is ripping me up inside. :sad: :sad: :sad:


This is another reason for spending as much time in your target gender as you can. You need to see how it fits.

Would you rather wait until your male gender cues are gone, before you begin RLE?

I have been thinking about this a lot. If I head down this path of transitioning, I would want the start of RLE to be it ( permanent ), with perhaps the exception of my job for a short period of time. I can't imagine that I'd want to stop once started.

HRT or not, I'd only feel comfortable doing RLE once the more male cues are dealt with. That is, growing some hair on top, removing facial hair and working on my voice. I've a fantastic range in my voice, so hoping that won't be too difficult. And my facial hair is darkish, with light skin. So laser treatment should be fairly effective too.

Funds aren't really an issue for me, so I'd like to pretty much get started with what's mentioned above as soon as the therapist agrees. If the therapist agrees... If I can accept that this would end my relationship... :sad:

[Stephanie-L]

Quad,
It looks like you are on a logical and cautious path, good for you. The two big things, talking to a therapist, and talking to your SO, are started. Where it goes from here. Talk to both some more, be open about who you are and what you want. The answers may change as you progress, or not. At least here in the US, and with many other girls I have talked to, the real life experience is not an absolute prerequisite for hormones, in fact I would venture to say that a larger majority of us started hormones well before the RLE. However, at least 1 year, possibly 2 years, of RLE is almost always a requirement before SRS. One thing I will advise, being trans tends to overwhelm your life, try not to let it do this. Yes, it is an incredibly huge thing, but there are other things in life too, girlfriend, jobs, family, etc. It is difficult but do try to keep a balance. And as I said, keep talking. If you want details as to the nuts and bolts of transition, there are lots of resources available, including lots of posts here, and several of us who either are in transition or who have successfully completed it. Much luck and happiness to you...................Stephanie

[*Andrea*]

One thing I will advise, being trans tends to overwhelm your life, try not to let it do this. Yes, it is an incredibly huge thing, but there are other things in life too, girlfriend, jobs, family, etc. It is difficult but do try to keep a balance.

I identify in most of Quad's issues, and I find the above quote from Stephanie's post is very important. It is very difficult indeed to live in some kind of prison by not being able to be fully oneself everywhere. But we have to appraise very carefully everything else we have and built in life when making such big changes.

[~Serena~]

Thanks Quad and I do feel really sorry about your GF. So all I can say is if you keep looking hard enough, there is probably someone out there for you who will love you no matter what. Then again what do I know but just trying to stay optimistic.

Serena

[Laura28]

Excellent response Doc,

[SamanthaC]

Thank you for the kind and helpful responses from everyone, means a lot to have this support. Nothing much more I can do now until meeting with my doc and the therapist. Will update this thread again then.