My wife thought I was gay years ago!

[ChelseaErtel]

I just have to share this.

Just before my wife told me that she wasn't sure she loved me about 5 years ago, we had left the kids and went to a nice hotel in DC for Valentine's Day.

We had reserved a nice room, but for another $50.00 we could upgrade to a Presidential Suite - four rooms, two baths, two fireplaces, dining room and a view. So, we had a nice romantic dinner, and after dinner we started what should happen between a husband and wife.

But I just couldn't perform the way she needed. I actually got ill and had to go to bed. We left the next morning as I was even sicker.

Last night, when we were going to pick up my daughter she asked if I was OK, and I said yes, and I asked her if she was OK, and she yes and that we loved each other. I asked her then if she really didn't have a clue. So here you go, she did.

Kink of, she said that almost every time we tried to have sex, I would get ill. So when this happened on Valentine's day, she suspected I was gay. At first having an affair, but then really thought gay.

She was worried if I was having gay relations she could have HIV. Of course one has to have intimate relations for that to happen and we hadn't in a long time. She just put it out of her mind - "didn't want to know".

Now I felt horrible she had been keeping this secret for so long. I didn't really realize what I was then, but I still felt horrible for her. But for me it was another "how the hell can you miss this sign"?

She also told me that every month, yes, every month I get a little sick. Around the 14th to the 17th for 4 or 5 days. Run down, just not myself. I asked what she thought and she didn't really know, except know she thinks it was my brain menstruating. Has that happened to any of you?

In closing I met with another Psychologist and she said that there is no question I'm a transsexual. I know this now and couldn't be happier. I haven't been this happy in I don't know when. If it wouldn't bother my wife so much I go out on the town and shout it from the streets and twirl my skirt.

No matter how you think things will turn our, how you plan, it never seems to happen to plan. I had planned, after I told her my worse and best case. My worse was immediately out the door, and the best was moving into the guest room for a while and then out the door. So far, it's so much better than my best case it had become immeasurable.

So, I am going to find a Dr and get a physical and talk to him/her about my plans. Then in six months my wife and I will discuss HRT - which is what we discussed last night.

I know some downers are on the way, and I can handle that. That's life, but you have to treasure those highs when they come. So I'll say good day and bask in my temporary glow.

[kimdl93]

Will you be talking with your therapist about the absence of intimacy in your marriage. I'm it stems from a physical or psychological source. If you might re-establish intimacy with your wife, it could contribute towards preserving your marriage beyond transition.

[ChelseaErtel]

Oh yes, we have talked about that a length. That really isn't an option but we are keeping an open mind. Told both therapists by the way. Good thought too, thanks.

[Jorja]

"The best laid plans of mice and men oft go awry." - From the book "Of Mice and Men" by John Steinbeck

[Leslie Langford]

Interesting "brain menstruating" observation/comment on your wife's part, Chelsea, and it got me to thinking...have you ever been tested for Klinefelter's Syndrome?

This is a genetic condition whereby an otherwise "normal" XY male carries an extra X chromosome, which imparts these individuals with some subtle female physical characteristics. It is a rare condition in that it affects only about 1 in 500 to 1 in 1000 people, and with varying degrees of visibility regarding the symptoms.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Klinefelter_syndrome

You might want to look into this further and have some genetic testing done, as it may explain a lot of things about you. It might even be that you are on the wrong track when you think that you are transsexual, when in fact, there may be a definable biological component to what you are experiencing.

[kimdl93]

"The best laid plans of mice and men oft go awry." - From the book "Of Mice and Men" by John Steinbeck

"The best laid schemes o' Mice an' Men, gang aft agley." (On turning her up in her nest, with the plough, November, 1785 Bobbie Burns)

[KellyJameson]

You have touched on two experiences that I also have but in a slightly different way.

I have always had a strong fear of depression because I was born without natural aggression and wherever this natural aggression comes from or whatever causes it, that life force also gives you a drive to fight for life and you see it in both men and women.

This absence was replaced with something else that makes me very aware like a thermometer that automatically responds to temperature to everything happening in my enviornoment so I am hyper aware of other peoples emotions, weather, the moon phase,anything and everything.

Because of this extreme sensitivity I would experience melancholic depression every month around the same time and once I stopped becoming anxious because of my fear of depression and just excepted that this is a natural monthly rhythm and adjust my schedule around this period of low energy the rest of the month is fine.

For me I think it is a sensitivity to the moon and I have noticed when there is a full moon people have a wildness that comes out. If people took the time to track their monthly moods I bet most people have a monthly cycle but they never discover the patterns so do not see the connection.

Intercourse has always been weird and I gave up on it around the time I turned thirty because it always felt abnormal not in a moral sense but the physical movement and I would experience it as if I was two people with one outside me watching and thinking, it would always split me into two people the one doing and the thinking one who was removed from the act so I could never experience that "whole minded mindlessness" necessary to sex.

I had a difficult time convincing therapists that I have never experienced sexual trauma because that is a classic out of body reaction to repeating the original trauma but I have no gaps in my memory and have been put under hypnosis and other various methods with no evidence of past trauma.

The mounting thrusting aspect of it is not natural to my brain.

If you think of two horses, one a mare and the other a stallion and the stallion is mounting the mare who do you resonate with the stallion or the mare?

The trusting action makes no sense to my mind and I was born without this impulse and experienced terrible anxiety because I kept trying to fix myself by doing what did not feel natural.

When you study life sciences and the affects of prenatal testosterone on the female or male fetus it is clear there is a body sex and a brain sex that develop at two different times and the process is very fragile to the mothers taking drugs such as progesterone or maternal stressors along with epigentic, genetic and environmental influences.

I have always associated with gay men and TG/TS and have felt there was some deep connection between all of us that tied us together, a similar starting point that later took divergent roads and I think it is the interplay between the womb and genetics that creates us and than life that decides how we try to solve the problem of being who we are in a world that is not like us.

I would suspect most transsexuals have experienced being thought of as gay by others and I would think some gay men are transsexuals who do not realize it because the social forces at work have prevented them from understanding and discovering the deeper truths of their natures.

There are huge obstacles society has created to prevent transsexuals from discovering the truth because we do not serve societies purposes and actually stand outside of society in many ways so threaten it.

For myself I have reached that point where the gifts now out number the curses but it was a long dangerous road to walk living opposed to the vast bulk of humanity, particularly because I did not understand why or how I was opposed to everyone else so could not protect myself.

Nature created women, men and everyone else in between and the in between numbers are growing rapidly.

[JennyLynn]

This ismy first post here as I am new. I'm so gladI found this site and can relate to this topic. My wife lost all interest in intimacy 2 years ago after she started intensive training for the Boston marathon. Her interest justnever came back. Shecalls it her "no libido" Needless tosay it isn't fun to never fool around anymore but she is hesitant to go to a sex therapist. So glad I at least have my CD interst as Iit helps me live with it

[melissaK]

Chelsey sweetie! It's wonderful to be happy isn't it. I hope the positive vibe lasts!

I know getting my TS- HRT issues out of the closet and in the open with my wife, has made me far happier than I have ever been. To do it I had to risk the entire relationship and commit to accepting myself. And that declaration of self has really been good for me.

So far, like you, my situation is better than I thought my best case would be. And like you, I know my future is uncertain and it has a high probability of some hard knocks ahead, but til then, like you, I'm going to enjoy my new outlook. (I bought new boots to celebrate!)

Also, love the literary comments - Kim, is that source from OED?

[ReineD]

This is a genetic condition whereby an otherwise "normal" XY male carries an extra X chromosome, which imparts these individuals with some subtle female physical characteristics. It is a rare condition in that it affects only about 1 in 500 to 1 in 1000 people, and with varying degrees of visibility regarding the symptoms.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Klinefelter_syndrome

Here's another link to info on Klinefelter Syndrome, http://www.genome.gov/19519068. They do say though, that most men who have this condition are infertile, although some men may have enough normally functioning cells in the testes to father children, sometimes with the help of infertility specialists.

Chelsea, there is also a condition among genetic males called "Irritable Male Syndrome (http://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=53725)" cause by testosterone fluctuations during middle age (similar to PMS) that causes mood changes and may cause loss of male identity. There aren't many websites that defines it as "IMS" though. They simply refer to it as dropping levels of testosterone among middle aged men that causes men to feel excessively fatigued, weaker, depressed, and that they have lost their sex drive. Here's WebMD's website: http://men.webmd.com/features/low-testosterone-explained-how-do-you-know-when-levels-are-too-low.

This is not a judgment on whether you are TS or not and when I say "men", I refer to your body and chromosomes, and not your gender ID. I'm simply providing resources that recognize the physical symptoms that you do have and that are fairly common among middle aged XY persons.

Edit - As to your wife's reactions to your changes, it is common for GGs to internalize their husband's lack of interest and feel it is because the husband is no longer attracted to the wife (or in your wife's case, as though you were gay). The wives' reactions range from pulling back from sex entirely, or inundating the husbands with eroticism, neither of which is ideal. It is best to have a more balanced approach.

[ChelseaErtel]

I have actually done these tests. My Dr and run more test than I can list here. But thanks, I appreciate all the input but I sure don't plan on putting my medical history on display here.

I'm good, thanks.

[ChelseaErtel]

I have not had the Klinefelter's Syndrome test, asked about it but I don't have any of the symptoms and I have a, according to the infertility clinic, "Really Good Sperm...." We did IVF to have my daughter, my wife had her tubes tied after our son.

I'll ask the new DR, can't hurt. But from what I read, not a possibility. Also, that's my wife's take, the actual truth may and probably is different.

[Ceri Anne]

I am so happy for you Chelsea. I just knew that when your wife and you started talking, understanding would come and hopefully you will grow closer. I'm cheering for you and your family.

[ChelseaErtel]

My wife is still supportive, but we beginning the denial stage. She thinks the therapists and everyone else is just going a long and not trying to cure me. I told her it is part of me like an arm and there is no cure. This was to be expected and she'll come around. Getting some reading material together (any suggestions welcome) and we shall soldier on. We are talking, we hug, we cry, and we carry on so I'm happy but a little stressed.