Don't know whether to be flattered or turned off... or on?

[I Am Paula]

I took a break this morning from browsing these forums, and went over to Craigslist. For reasons of my own I sometimes check out the M for T personals. Most of the ads a pretty high on creep factor, but my jaw dropped when I read:

You were pumping gas at PetroCan on --- St. in --- wed. at 5:30. I was in plaid coat fueling a silver Camry. Our eyes met for a moment. I would really like to meet.

That was me. I have only been in heterosexual relationships for over twenty five years, but sometimes a little curiousity/yearning pops back up. After a few relationships with men, I discovered that it's not the relationship I enjoy, it's the physical part. Afterwards, I'm reminded that I don't even really like men (as a species).

Since my wife got cancer, she has told me numerous times that I could have a physical but loveless affair on a DADT basis.

I want some non judgemental opinions. Should I reply to this ad, meet for coffee, and see what happens? Hit my back button, and never look at CL again? Or just jump in and enjoy a booty call, then see if any thing has changed in my emotional regard for men? This latter possibility has been on my mind for years. -Celeste

[Lady Catherine]

IMHO if you are curious, this could be your opportunity. Just please be careful. Very careful.

[Stephanie Miller]

Remember... you asked.
Been with my wife for 37 years. Made vows. I really do understand where your wiffe is coming from with her "offer", but if it was me and my wife - out of respect for my wife I am following my vows through till the good Lord calls upon one of us.
I find it much easier to not be tempted if I don't go looking for temptation.

[Marleena]

Just one question did your wife include DADT with a guy? If you decide to go ahead are you going to tell her that too? Not being judgemental just wondering. If you have her blessing ultimately it will be your call.:)

[Jana]

I can feel the adrenaline rush all the way from here... lol. Though in a bit creepy way, it's nice to have been noticed, isn't it? There's something about the unknown that intrigues and excites. On the other hand, you know that curiosity killed the cat. Anyway, I'm divided, I don't know what to say. This is a very personal call. Listen to your heart, then sleep on it and go from there.

PS: If you choose to go for it, just be careful and stay safe.

[kimdl93]

I suspect there are safer ways to meet men. But its up to you.

[Kaz]

Guess it's your call Celeste. If it was me and my wife was dying from cancer I would want her to know that I was loyal and true to the end, and put her centre stage. But then we all have different relationships... if it works for you, go for it, but for me in this situation it would be a no... I am confused though that you want a guy physically but don't like men?

[Beverley Sims]

It may sound callous but you will regret anything you do as far as an extramartial relationship, when you are alone in the future
you will remember it forever. If it was me I would cherish every moment I had left with my wife.

[rachaelsloane]

I wouldn't reply for many of the reasons the other girls have said. What I do find interesting is that, this person placed his question on CL not knowing if you would look. I have this feeling that this person knows you?

[StephanieJ]

You should be flattered!!! But stay faithful to your wife for as long as you have her. Someday there will be a time for adventure but there really is no such thing as a physical relationship without it affecting you emotionally as well.

[I Am Paula]

Wow, great responses. Kimdl93 and Jana, This may not be 'the one', but it rekindled a fire that's been going for some time. Stephanie and Kaz, therein lies the biggest question, I love her dearly, but is her offer sincere? Marleena, my guess is that if she found out, or I told her, she would assume guy. She knows my history. Kaz, I've always been in love with the fantasy(?) of being loved as a women, but not being in love with a man. I dislike kissing guys, or foreplay, but I enjoy the main course. And she's always center stage. Thanks Celeste

[KarenCDFL]

If it were me in your situation, I would say to your wife thank you for the offer but I am not going to go outside of our marriage.

Just my opinion.

[I Am Paula]

Rachaelsloane. Perhaps he recognized me, as a musician I have played every venue within about 1000 miles of here. However, as in alot of those 'missed connections' ads, I'm going with coincidence, although I only browse CL personals about 3 times a year. Thanks-Celeste

[Mikaela]

No judgement on the extra marital thing. For me, I'm monogamous to a fault, but I understand that many people make things work by being flexible to the needs of their partner. I'm sorry to hear about your wife, though.

CL? No thanks. He should have said something at the gas station if he wanted to meet you. I'd stay away from CL. I have no issue with meeting people from online, but that makes the wild west of the web, as a whole, look tame.

[suzy1]

I agree with Kim, Kaz and others.
Please think about this.

[Kate Simmons]

I would probably meet for coffee Hon but it would have to be a definite open public place, with plenty of room for a quick escape if need be. The wise woman always plans well.;):)

[JeanneF]

I'm a believer that all things happen for a reason. The fact that you saw the ad would be enough to make me at least respond to the message and get coffee.

Who knows, it could be a fun experience, and it sounds like you have enough tragedy going on in your world right now that a little distraction couldn't hurt.

[Lorileah]

Um....no. Craig's List? Um...no. You can find a guy or woman at a nice dive bar. Creepy. Maybe I am a little strange but I would never meet anyone from a site for a one night stand, I like to get to know them first...you know dinner, drinks, movie, trip to Cancun...

[I Am Paula]

It's only been two hours since I started this thread, and I can't believe the advice, objectivity, depth and genuine concern I'm getting from you all. Thank you all. My first concern will always be for my wife, and my vows to her are more important than my selfish carnal desires. Barring an accident, I am going to outlive my wife, perhaps at a later time I can revisit this issue. In the meantime, since I was considering an emotionless liaison any way, the shoebox full of inanimate objects in the nightstand can accomplish all my goals, short of someone to take out the trash. I really thought this was going to be a harder discision, thanks for the support. Love conquers most, but a solid marriage trumps everything.
Sometimes we take things for granted, tonight my wife and I are going to ladies night at the coffee shop, for a fashion show and $6 latte's, and I'm going to look at her in a different light, and appreciate that which we do have. A heartfealt thanks-Celeste

[Nicole Erin]

First thing I thought was, "How often does that guy post such ads?"

Just think about things - if your wife is totally OK with you having DADT affairs, and you really want this guy in bed, and you realize he is just wanting a piece of ass and nothing else, then go for it.
Just also think how you might feel after. Is getting laid just for some thrill really worth it?

CL though yeah - it is the ghetto of the web.

[Brooke Smith]

Congratulations Celeste...that's very grown up of you.

[OKPink]

I got to admit, I always read the backpage and CL ads. I have been reading personal ads since the 1980's. The one time I responded to one was in 1988 and later that week a supervisor in another department called me over and put my letter on her desk. LOL
We wern't a match.
You hit the nail on the head. For me it is also only the main course (with men) I enjoy. And you nailed it with "a drawer full of toys can accomplish the same thing." YEP!
No guilt, no disease, no creepy stalkers.

Also, to go to the extend of placing an ad for a missed connection, seems a bit obsessive for me. You in reality, will never be as satisfying as his fantasy of you,
and he is enjoying his evenings right now with that fantasy. You wouldn't want to ruin his fantasy with reality anymore than you want your fantasy ruined with reality..... :)
Enjoy ladies night out!

[jules]

I would stay away also. Spend the time with your wife. My mom died with cancer at 52 and to this day my dad regrets not spending any time with her. People with cancer put up a strong front. Here's a story about my mom
We got the Call what she had cancer so we went down to see her and offer support. I would have liked to have gone down more often but just could not afford it . They told her that she had six months left. She lasted 3 years. We got the call to come home she was dying. We went home and when she herd my voice she start to come around . In the next 2 days it was like there was nothing wrong and she was put into her own room . We were leaving that evening to fly back so we said our goodbyes headed back to my hokey town to get ready. On the way I called my aunt to make sure she was going out to keep company for the night. Did not want her to be alone. When I call she was drunk and could not make it so my sister and I turned the car around and went back. As we were walking down the hall I could here a women sobbing and as we got closer we realized it was mom. She was sitting in a chair in the dark crying because the was the same room her best friend died in and she knew she was next. It broke my heart and it's breaking again telling it to you. Spend the time with your wife. Regret is a hard thing to live with. My dad known all to well. My mom passed away before I got to see her one last time.

I hope I was not out or line

[DeeArel]

One relationship at a time is the best guidance I can give. Any sort of outside exploring or intimacy is outside the bounds of this.

Wish I had figured all that out 30 years ago.

[danielletorresani]

First thing I thought was, "How often does that guy post such ads?"

Just think about things - if your wife is totally OK with you having DADT affairs, and you really want this guy in bed, and you realize he is just wanting a piece of ass and nothing else, then go for it.
Just also think how you might feel after. Is getting laid just for some thrill really worth it?

CL though yeah - it is the ghetto of the web.

Very good point.

[Marleena]

Very good choice Celeste!:)

[stephNE]

I was going to stay away frrom this one, but I think you've made a good choice.

[erika_kerrie]

It depends? How nice was his car? Just kidding, you got some great advice here. The Craigslist thing would put me off a bit, but I do find it really funny that you read an "I spotted you" ad and it was about you, what are the odds :)

Love your post by the way.

[Stefanie jones]

No no no
You r too cute for that I think u cAn do Better

[MsJanessa]

Wow, great responses. Kimdl93 and Jana, This may not be 'the one', but it rekindled a fire that's been going for some time. Stephanie and Kaz, therein lies the biggest question, I love her dearly, but is her offer sincere? Marleena, my guess is that if she found out, or I told her, she would assume guy. She knows my history. Kaz, I've always been in love with the fantasy(?) of being loved as a women, but not being in love with a man. I dislike kissing guys, or foreplay, but I enjoy the main course. And she's always center stage. Thanks Celeste

Honey, if you decide to go ahead with this guy, do yourself and your wife a favor and don't tell her about it---she may have given you permission but I'm pretty sure such a disclosure would cause pain on her part

[Jacqueline Winona]

Don't. You're not into guys, you're fantasy is affecting your judgment. Regardless of what your wife might say, you and she will have trouble getting over this if you do.

[AmyGaleRT]

My first concern will always be for my wife, and my vows to her are more important than my selfish carnal desires. Barring an accident, I am going to outlive my wife, perhaps at a later time I can revisit this issue. [...] I really thought this was going to be a harder discision, thanks for the support. Love conquers most, but a solid marriage trumps everything.

A beautiful answer. And I am firmly convinced that you are making the right decision. May you and your wife be happy together for whatever time the two of you have left. (Amy fights back tears)

- Amy

[MaryAnn40c]

go out with him for coffee,see where it leads from there. If you dont you will have regrets later in life. Coffee in a busy place is safe way of finding out how you feel.

[AllisontheGoddess]

Sounds kind of suspect to me, I stay steer clear --but in the end it's ultimately your choice.

[I Am Paula]

It's 4:12 in the A.M. No sleep, just put some coffee on. I'm really suprised at the influence a two line personal ad had on me. Sort of made me question things about both monogamy, and sexual preference. The latter not such a suprise, the former more so. I've been hit on so many times it became cliche, so why did a CL ad catch my interest? My guess is, at a bar, when I've just gotten off stage and I get hit on, I can see what I'm dealing with in real time, and usually don't like what I see. A CL ad is anonymous, therefore mysterious. I've always been a very impulsive person, so it now suprises me I didn't just hit the reply button, something in the back of my mind, thankfully, said 'hold off on this one'. Bottom line, not now, and maybe never. And not CL. Upon reflection, with the exception of a few casual things, I've had two relationships with men, one pre-op (big mistake, cat fights), and three wives, all of which, during thier duration, I have been loyal to. Once again, thanks all the girls of CD.com, I feel like I reached out to strangers, and got back replies from friends.

On a MUCH more positive note, we went out to ladies night at my coffee shop. A networking, and social event with a small fashion show. Aside from my morning coffee ladies, there were also about twenty women I didn't know. This coffee shop is upscale horse owners/mercedes benz drivers, and all the ladies dressed in thier best country casual. These ladies looked right out of the pages of Town&Country magazine. I thought I might be overdressed in tweed dress pants, patent heels, a cashmere sweater, and leopard print scarf. Not at all. I made lots of new friends and was totally accepted, despite being the only genetic male in the building. My wife, in gold ballet flats, long black skirt, and gold and black sparkly sweater, had three glasses of wine, became charmingly giddy, and held court from her wheel chair. We got home, shared a pizza, and she fell asleep on the sofa, were she is now. We have an 8:00 a.m. appt. at the cancer center, 90km. away, she's not going to be pleased when I wake her up in the dark in about an hour. I'm rambling, I need another coffee, I just took off evening out makeup five hours ago, and I'm going to go put daytime makeup back on. Despite highs and lows of the last 24 hours, life is good. Thanks-Celeste

[I Am Paula]

It's 4:12 in the A.M. No sleep, just put some coffee on. I'm really suprised at the influence a two line personal ad had on me. Sort of made me question things about both monogamy, and sexual preference. The latter not such a suprise, the former more so. I've been hit on so many times it became cliche, so why did a CL ad catch my interest? My guess is, at a bar, when I've just gotten off stage and I get hit on, I can see what I'm dealing with in real time, and usually don't like what I see. A CL ad is anonymous, therefore mysterious. I've always been a very impulsive person, so it now suprises me I didn't just hit the reply button, something in the back of my mind, thankfully, said 'hold off on this one'. Bottom line, not now, and maybe never. And not CL. Upon reflection, with the exception of a few casual things, I've had two relationships with men, one pre-op (big mistake, cat fights), and three wives, all of which, during thier duration, I have been loyal to. Once again, thanks all the girls of CD.com, I feel like I reached out to strangers, and got back replies from friends.

On a MUCH more positive note, we went out to ladies night at my coffee shop. A networking, and social event with a small fashion show. Aside from my morning coffee ladies, there were also about twenty women I didn't know. This coffee shop is upscale horse owners/mercedes benz drivers, and all the ladies dressed in thier best country casual. These ladies looked right out of the pages of Town&Country magazine. I thought I might be overdressed in tweed dress pants, patent heels, a cashmere sweater, and leopard print scarf. Not at all. I made lots of new friends and was totally accepted, despite being the only genetic male in the building. My wife, in gold ballet flats, long black skirt, and gold and black sparkly sweater, had three glasses of wine, became charmingly giddy, and held court from her wheel chair. We got home, shared a pizza, and she fell asleep on the sofa, were she is now. We have an 8:00 a.m. appt. at the cancer center, 90km. away, she's not going to be pleased when I wake her up in the dark in about an hour. I'm rambling, I need another coffee, I just took off evening out makeup five hours ago, and I'm going to go put daytime makeup back on. Despite highs and lows of the last 24 hours, life is good. Thanks-Celeste

[I Am Paula]

Mods- Must have hit post twice, please delete one. Thanks-Celeste

[Launa]

I'm glad you made the decision not to persue this. We must always remember the difference between fantasy and reality and they are so different. Your wife might say go for it and it could be her way of saying move on without me but I say don't do it or it will haunt you!

Celeste, you can delete one of your posts by yourself without a Mod. Just hit the edit button and you'll see

[linda allen]

Celeste, I see you've made your choice and I believe it was the correct one. If I were in your position I would remain true to my wife regardless of what she might say.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Celeste, Glad to hear that you and your wife had a great time.
I'm sure that you made the right choice.
When it comes to CL be careful what you wish for.

[kimdl93]

I think we all entertain the odd fantasy, and the anonynity of the internet contributes to the fantasy. When these notions are subjected to the cold hard light of early day, fantasy is quickly displaced by reality. I'm glad you made the right choice for yourself and your wife, but I'm not surprised. You really sound like a pretty level headed person who simply allowed themselves a momentary flight of fancy.

With the worries and stresses of your life, that's certainly not a bad thing. Very best wishes to you and your wife.

[Tara D. Rose]

Yes you did make the right decision. Even if she has given her blessing for you to indulge in these things. It's best not to go forward with that. Stay true to her. Be loving and faithful. Be there with her always. I have learned for many years that fantasy is so much better than reality. I guess as we get older, we come to realize that. But to each their own, what I would do doesn't dictate what another should do. But if I was in the same situation, I would let it ride only as a fantasy and be faithful. I couldn't live with the guilt, even if she said it was okay, but follow your heart, and I know you will do the right thing.