Should I tell my Fiancee?

[ginawarp]

Hi all,

I will be getting married soon in a few months time. I have yet to tell my Fiancee about my crossdressing hobby. There are a number of times that I wanted to tell her but I am afraid she will be turn off by me. I love her alot.

The thing is I come from Asia where the culture is still pretty much conservative. Gay people for example are usually frown upon and the gay people don't admin that they are gay for fear of the social stigma. Such is the culture that I live in.

I know I am not gay but just like to crossdress. However, the portrayal of crossdresser as perverts is so prevalent in the media. Just a while ago, there was a case where a doctor crossdress as a school girl and flash to a girl. Such cases defintely paints a very bad picture of crossdresser as though we are freaks and perverts.

Ok all this doesn't help much. How should I tell her? Dropping hints? How can I get her to understand that they are people like us who are not mentally unsound or perverts but simply like to dress up?

very troubled over this indeed....any suggestions?

[Laura912]

This is a challenge from one who only lived in the Asian culture for for seven years. If you tell her and she accepts it, then you are fortunate. At the other extreme, she will completely deny you and engagement is off which is better than going through a divorce. Any thing between could be workable. You really should sit down with her, explain the situation, and have one of the books available for her to read. There is a good way to do all this explained on this site by Reine but someone else will have to tell you how to find it. Best of luck.

[avant1465]

One thing is for sure..... IF you and she are close enough that marriage is already planned.... then you ought to take the time to reveal this part of "who you are" to her.....

Of course, there is some risk. She may say, "That's not for me." and the marriage could be off. But,... what better than learning that now, rather than some time AFTER the nuptials???? OR... she might say, "I love you.... and all aspects of you... and I'm happy to learn this now.... and let's incorporate it in to who WE are....." A wonderful end that makes all the OTHER great aspects of your relationship even better, now....

I vote for early revelation..... Others?

[~Joanne~]

If your getting married soon, you most certainly should tell her. You don't want to go into that next step of the relationship without being truthful. It's not easy to gather the courage to do so and a lot of pre planning needs to be done so that you know what to say and what not to say while being truthful as possible. If you love her then it should be all laid out. I don't know about dropping hints or fishing for a mock response but whatever eases you into the talk can't hurt.

A lot of girls wait well into the marriage and while so come out of it without a problem, a lot of them destroyed their marriage over coming out many years later. I am sure a lot of "other" factors played into it but the easiest thing for the wife to attack is the crossdressing.

In the end , it's whatever you decide to do and I wish you the best of luck. Keep us posted :)

[NicoleScott]

Yes, by all means, tell her now. If she's not good with it, better to know now than after marriage. But don't be defensive about it, just explain that it's part of who you are, what drives it, and everything else you can (to the extent that you know, and if not, tell her that, too).

[Foxglove]

Going by my own experience and the experience of many others on this forum, I'd definitely tell her. It's a risk: she might decide to call off the marriage. But if she's dead set against CDing, better to know now than to wait any number of years to find out. A broken engagement is far better than a divorce.

If you're a CDer, you always will be. Many people can tell you it's no fun being in hiding from someone you love, someone you're married to. It's not a good situation for either person concerned.

My opinion is that for her sake and for your sake, you need to tell her. To lose someone you love isn't easy. But you are what you are and that's not going to change. If you marry her without telling her, chances are she's going to find about it some day any way. And when she does, she won't be happy.

Best wishes, Annabelle

[Henna]

I'm struggling with the same thing myself. Your profile picture at least looks very young, so I assume your age is somewhere between 20 to 25. If I could go back to that age, I would tell my GF...and not after being 10 years together.

At that age you can still find someone else, someone who accepts you as you are.

I don't think you will want to wait for 10 years, until your wife finally finds your clothes. Then you will be more miserable than now, if your ways part.

I think that I will tell my current GF with a letter. I just don't know how to say verbally the things that I need to say, so I will write a letter of how I feel, how I've felt before I even met her. My biggest regret is, that I didn't tell back then. You don't want to be in the same situation.

[Tracii G]

Yes tell her I agree with all the posts above.

[kimdl93]

I don't think a cultural prejudice against CDrs should deter you from telling your fiance. Your obligation, before you get married, is to let her know who she is marrying - in all your dimensions. Sandra (the moderator) has a really good link to a guide to telling your SO. Track her down and follow that link. Read the whole thing, then try, in your own words to express all of the answers to the questions your Fiancee is likely to ask.

Don't drop hints, just come out to talk aobut it.

Also, you are presuming that your Fiancee thinks we are all perverts or mentally ill. Is that based on any conversation with her - or are you letting cultural prejudices influence your own perceptions of what she may believe?

[Sandra]

You really should tell her before you get married and what ever you do don't drop hints. You need to sit down with her and tell her. Ask her to hear you out before she asks any questions, then answer her questions as honestly as you can, don't say things that you think she might want to hear as that just makes things wore in the long run.

I just hope that you don't lose all her trust in you because you haven't told her before.

[Jenniferathome]

I just wrote this to another young CD about to get married:

It is hypocritical of me to write this, but tell her now. I, like many, married and hid this part of my life from my wife for 20+ years. It was unfair to her and in the end, caused unneeded stress for decades. At some point, you will be discovered or you will feel compelled to get it off your chest. Your wife will be shocked no matter what, but it is the "lie" that pisses them off the most. Sit down with her and tell her.

[AllieSF]

As you can see Gina there is 100% agreement here so far that you should tell her. There are enough threads here about those that tell later in life and that late telling really negatively impacted most of those relationships in some way. Look at it this way. You love her and she loves you, however your secret may be one that she cannot live with. It is so much better to get that out in the open now before true wedding plans start, if they have not yet already started. She needs the chance to back out and you need to know that if she really does accept it, under what ground rules will your future male/female life have to live under. You are young and fortunately it will be much easier for you to eventually find someone else if she decides you have become someone that she does not want to marry. Expect the worst and hope for the best, that way you will be satisfied with something in between. Good luck.

[stephNE]

I have to join the tell her group. Only good things will happen.
After a couple dates I asked my wife (then GF) if she would help me with a fantasy? She said "yes, what is it?". I told her I would like too try on a few of her things and she went to her bedroom and started pulling out items she thought I could fit into. That was 33 years ago and I am still married to that wonderful woman. Good luck! Steph.

[Gillian Gigs]

It is better to tell her now than risk her finding out later. Speaking to her in your timing gives you the chance to think things through properly and be prepared for any potential questions from her. This is a big thing and not something to take lightly, she needs to know about this side of you. Even if the worst happens, better for it to happen now, rather than later. Don't fool yourself into thinking that you will quit either, you might be able to, but if you can't, then you are back to square one all over again. Most of us here are experts at purging, only to go to same circuit all over again.

[Missy]

Tell her before you get married
do not think she will have problem if it presented as your hobby instead as your lifestyle
if she gets turned off then better now then after getting married

[GeminaRenee]

Definitely, tell her before you get married. Out of everything I see on this forum, that's the one thing that jumps out most at me - the pain of married couples where the woman didn't know - and found out by any one of many mechanisms later in life.

You could say if she finds out - but I think it's more a matter of when. Women are not dumb. It could take a week.... it could take 50 years, but I'd be willing to bet that the odds are that she will find out one way or another. And if that's how she finds out, then it is a lie - which has to be the most destructive thing of all.

You worry about how things could go wrong by telling her.. I agree, that's got to be imposing. But with time, telling her will only become harder and more painful. Do it now, or soon - as in, before you get married - and get it over with. Then you will know what you need to know without having taken the risk of hurting each other further. Besides, easy for me to say, but if she's not trans-friendly, then there's probably always going to be an element of unhappiness in your life. Life is to short to seek people who disparage things closest to your inner self.

[CONSUELO]

Don't try to hide it as that will just store up a lot of trouble for later in your marriage. Believe me, difficult as it is, honesty is the best policy. But be prepared to answer questions about transvestism and perhaps consider a visit to a COMPETENT counsellor.

[giuseppina]

Tell her NOW, Ginawarp. There should be plenty of time this weekend for a long discussion. As the others say, this is a big trust issue. There is at least one sticky in the Loved Ones section about this. And, dropping hints is not a good idea. It's best to be direct and upfront about it and not dance around the issue.

This is something that is highly unlikely to go away. There is a large school of thought that the crossdressing is part of you for life. The stories that are in the news media are just that. The crossdressers that are not in the media are a better reflection of us because they want no part of sexual or any other offenses.

A long closed thread about how to tell your partner by a respected GG member who no longer posts is here:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?13841-How-to-tell-your-partner&highlight=

I think it's fair to say that your fiancée would benefit from membership in the GG section of this forum, a private section just for them. This is her decision and you cannot ethically force this upon her.

As the posters above say, it's much better to tell her now and let the chips fall as they may. There are three possible outcomes. First, your marriage proceeds as planned. Second, your marriage is delayed until she decides if she can accept the crossdressing. And third, the engagement is broken. For the latter two cases, there will likely be some costs regarding contracts already signed, however, that is infinitely easier and less expensive to deal with than a divorce down the road, to say nothing of the heartache.

Consuelo's idea about counselling is a good one. The right one is a duly qualified, licensed, and nonjudgemental social worker, psychologist, psychiatrist, marriage counsellor or other individual who keeps religion completely out of the discussion. If they have previous experience in gender issues, so much the better.

Good luck. :hugs:

[Jamie Burton]

Gina, I was in the same situation. We had been engaged for a few months and I was totally scared but I knew that I had to open up to her about it before we said our vows. It wasn't easy but it proved to be the right thing to do. We will celebrate our 20 year anniversary next summer.

It is better she knows before you are officially married - you don't want to start a life together with something like this kept secret. Love can work around being transgender easier than it can work around betrayal, which if you hide it until after the wedding is what you revealing yourself will seem like to her.

Good luck!

[Stephanie47]

If cross dressing is such a taboo in your Asian community, there is more than the relationship between you and her to consider. Will she be able to bear the burden of concealing your cross dressing from a judgmental family? Too many times people experience conflicts with the in-laws. I am assuming you have concealed this from your family. I think there are too many people who fall to the pressure of others or the perceived pressure of others than exercising their own will.

Perhaps your fiancee is willing to be a part of your secret, perhaps not! She has the right to make an informed decision. You're in San Francisco. I can only assume there must have been some vibs thrown around concerning cross dressing.

[reb.femme]

You really should tell her before you get married and what ever you do don't drop hints. You need to sit down with her and tell her. Ask her to hear you out before she asks any questions, then answer her questions as honestly as you can, don't say things that you think she might want to hear as that just makes things wore in the long run.

I just hope that you don't lose all her trust in you because you haven't told her before.

This is 2 posts where I've used Sandra's reply to reinforce my own thoughts. :)

When I told my wife after many years of marriage about my little pasttime, her biggest complaint was that I hadn't trusted her enough to tell her before. Trust is the biggest issue. Bite the bullet, tell her and live with the consequences. If she accepts, then you have trust and no secrets.
As already said, better now than having to go through a divorce later.

I never told my wife because I thought I was a lone weirdo, but I found this site and my eyes were opened to reality.

Rebecca

[Julie Gaum]

All the replies contained the same advice developed by experience or being exposed to the threads of so many others in the same boat at one time or another.
I'm only adding my comment because I very much disagree with one poster who suggested that you explain it's your hobby and not a life style. While I might
omit using the words "life style" as that might convey ideas to your GF that would be misconceptions I certainly would not say "hobby" since in the future she could easily believe that hobbies are something you can have to occupy free time or you can change to another hobby which is not true for CDs. So please pick from the many sensible ideas for guidance.
Julie

[Leanne2]

I agree with everyone else. You have to tell her.... soon! But be prepared. She will want to learn all she can about cross-dressing so have the books and website addresses ready. Do not tell her that you will stop for her. You won't be able to change who you are and then she will feel betrayed. Good luck, Leanne

[Melissa_59]

Tell her, and don't beat around the bush either. She will find out eventually, and if she's completely against it you'll have a divorce on your hands, and divorces are not pretty (I've been through two myself). If you tell her now and she can't handle it, then it's a broken up engagement, but not a divorce. Divorces are ... really really ugly, 99.9% of the time. My last ex tried to bring it up during divorce proceedings to get alimony from me. Luckily I had a very good lawyer who told me to call her bluff, and she got a settlement but no alimony.

~Melissa

[ginawarp]

thanks everyone! Hmm...do you think it is possible for me to just forget about CD and drop it off completely? Not sure whether anyone here has been successful?
That is one of the alternative for me. That is to just kick away this habit...i am not sure whether i will be able to do that, i have tried my best but so far I am still into CD-ing..anyone with such experience?

[Jenniferathome]

thanks everyone! Hmm...do you think it is possible for me to just forget about CD and drop it off completely?

That is not realistic

[ginawarp]

Also, you are presuming that your Fiancee thinks we are all perverts or mentally ill. Is that based on any conversation with her - or are you letting cultural prejudices influence your own perceptions of what she may believe?

My only conversation with her is based on the article about the doctor who crossdress-ed and flashes to a school girl. She says that is disgusting (actually I think so too) and don't understand why he does it when he has a wife. Ok, I think such bad example really tarnish the name of crossdresser. I am sure most of us are not like that.

[GeminaRenee]

thanks everyone! Hmm...do you think it is possible for me to just forget about CD and drop it off completely? ..anyone with such experience?

It seems unlikely, to say the very least. In my own life, I have tried to put it to bed forever, more than once. And for every time I've quit, I've started again. When I think about this question, I think about the day I had a month anniversary date with an incredibly beautiful, charismatic woman. I decided I was going to stop being weird for once and for all, so I could enjoy normal romantic relationships - ones where I wasn't living in fear of her looking in that dresser drawer, or this particular tote. I threw 5 years worth of clothes in the dumpster, and smiled as I walked away. Turns out I still miss some of those clothes - but not the girl.

It's just too much a part of me to try and deny. And everything I read on this forum tells me that my experience is not terribly unique. Search for posts on the topic... you'll find quite a lot of information.

Oh, and I think that it's unlikely that anyone who has successfully banished cd'ing from their lives would still be hanging around this site!

[AmandaM]

Gina, you should tell her. The last thing you want is a divorce, then there's alimony, and possibly child support. That would definitely ruin your life whereas now it would hurt, but you'd get over it. You could bring it up to her like you've done it occassionally and don't consider yourself "one of those people" who she sees on the news. I think it helps if you act like it's no big deal, just experimentation. If you approach her like you have some big, dark secret, that might set the wrong mood.

[ginawarp]

thanks all for the advice...i will try to find a time to tell her...however, i have a feeling that she may ask me to kick away the 'habit'...I will try to muster enough courage and let her know soon. will keep everyone posted.

[Rhonda Ann]

To share my same experience, of course this is 32 years ago, things were different then. I love a woman so much I would do anything for her. I stopped cross dressing to keep from losing her, she was the love of my life. We were married for 15 years, ending in a divorce. I still loved her dearly and I think she did me too. Two years later she past from a brain tumor, I lost my best friend. It had been 17 years of really not even thinking about crossing and I didn't start back immediately. As time past somehow something started me back to being a CD. In short, to have her back again I would stop cross dressing again. How much do you love her?

[AmyGaleRT]

Gina, the ladies here are telling you exactly the same thing they told me, something like a year ago. I was still too terrified to tell my own fiancee, so I stayed away from these forums for a long time, knowing that, if I couldn't get over that hump, being here wasn't likely to do me a whole lot of good. Well, not very long ago, I managed to screw up my courage and tell my fiancee, and the result has exceeded even my wildest hopes! She's accepting, she's encouraging, she gives constructive advice, she's even let me pick through bags of clothes she was looking to donate and expand my own wardrobe that way! (She also gets jealous that I can look more feminine than her, and that I can wear certain things she can't...go figure.)

Now, given the experience I've had, I can chime in as well: Tell her! You may find, as I did, that it won't be as bad as you thought...and it does feel so good to finally let go of the secret! It's made me more confident, both as Amy and in my "normal" male self.

- Amy

[ReineD]

A long closed thread about how to tell your partner by a respected GG member who no longer posts is here:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?13841-How-to-tell-your-partner&highlight=

I'm highlighting this because it's important.

Your need to crossdress will likely increase with age, if you are like most other members in this forum. You may not dress frequently now so it may seem as if telling her is optional, but there will come a time in your life when this will no longer be true. You will accumulate clothes and other things, you will need to find times to dress, and it will be increasingly difficult to hide things. And the hiding that you will engage in over your double life will spread into other areas of your marriage, which will cause a rift in your marriage even if your wife will have no idea what is going on. With each passing year that you don't tell her, it will get even more difficult to tell her that you had not been honest with her from the beginning.

So yes, you do need to tell her before the wedding. Please read the quoted advice carefully before you tell her though. Above all, be prepared for a thorough discussion about this and think about how you will answer all her questions, before you bring it up.

Good luck!


thanks all for the advice...i will try to find a time to tell her...however, i have a feeling that she may ask me to kick away the 'habit'...I will try to muster enough courage and let her know soon. will keep everyone posted.

I just saw this. Please, whatever you do, do not make promises that you will not be able to keep. Although you may feel right now that you can stop and (maybe) stay stopped, if she does ask you to stop I would tell her that you will try (if this is what you want to do), but also tell her that CDers usually cannot stay stopped. The urges may return after one, five, or even ten years. She does need to know, whithout a shadow of a doubt, that the CDing simply DOES. NOT. GO. AWAY.

If she does ask you to stop, ask her how the two of you will handle it if after some years the need to dress returns to the point of making you feel miserable if you cannot dress.

[joanna marie]

I would tell her before the wedding,you're not going to kick it away for very long
take it from those of us that have tried, a life time of hiding,guilt and fear is not a good way to live
if you do hide it from her and she finds out later after you are married
that creates a whole new set of problems

Just be aware that you can't put this back in the bottle after you tell her
it could result in everyone else find out you're a CDer

I wish you the best of luck and hope that is goes well for you

[Henna]

thanks everyone! Hmm...do you think it is possible for me to just forget about CD and drop it off completely? Not sure whether anyone here has been successful?

I think the only one who can answer to that, is you. However, if it's really part of you deep down, you cannot drop it off forever. You might close Gina out of your life for 10 years, but there will be that day when she comes back if she is as much part of you, as your other side.

Also, it's not really healthy to suppress something, that is part of you. You will just end up stressed and tense, like I have been more times than I can count in my relationship.

I think you need to do some soul searching and come to a decision what to do.

[CaraDawson]

I've Tryed to Stop CDing, but it's just part of me I alway come back, simple as that for me. As far as Telling her I'd have to say do it. There should be no secrets or lies in Love. Trust me, keeping something big to yourself can cause some very bad problems. In the end just trust in yourself do what you believe to be right.
Good luck,
Cara

[Beverley Sims]

Is your fiancee Asian as well?
Depending on how she was raised as a child she may be more accepting than you.
You can ask the odd searching question to gauge her attitude, but you will have to tell her.

[Foxglove]

My only conversation with her is based on the article about the doctor who crossdress-ed and flashes to a school girl. She says that is disgusting (actually I think so too) and don't understand why he does it when he has a wife. Ok, I think such bad example really tarnish the name of crossdresser. I am sure most of us are not like that.

Gina, you and your fiancée are right about this particular CDer. There are disgusting and criminal transpeople in the world, sad to say. We transpeople are like any other group of people: there are rotten apples in our barrel. But as you say, most of us aren't like that. Most of us are quite decent people.

As regards giving up CDing, it can be done. I myself did it for many years because I was on my own with my son and I was afraid that if the Social Services found out about my tendencies, they might take my son off me. That was a well-founded fear: there is a very famous transwoman in this country who had her access to her child severely restricted because she was trans.

So yes, you can give up CDing--but you can't give up being trans. I can tell you from personal experience there's little that will make you unhappier than constantly fantasizing about CDing and not being able to actually do it. I think that if you want to be happy in life, you have to be what you are. Your desire to dress isn't going to go away. If you try to repress it to make your wife happy, you'll only be making yourself unhappy. Ideally both partners in a marriage need to be happy.

Best wishes, Annabelle

[Rogina B]

Common sense should tell you to tell her before ORDERING the wedding cake! If the *hit is going to hit the fan,a whole lot better now to have it happen. You are going to have to try to erase the image"of the flashing doctor" from her mind in order for her to see it clearly.And don't agree to anything other than seeing the right therapist TOGETHER.You haven't been true to your inner self so far,I suggest you go no further until this gets talked out.

[anonymousinmaryland]

You need to tell her ASAP and no, you can't (and won't) drop the CD habit.
It's in your genes (and in hers! jeans, that is.)

[ginawarp]

Is your fiancee Asian as well?
Depending on how she was raised as a child she may be more accepting than you.
You can ask the odd searching question to gauge her attitude, but you will have to tell her.

Yes she is Asian as well. What is an odd searching questions?

[Rogina B]

"IT" would allow you to explore her feelings without committing yourself...Such as.."I just saw two Asian TG girls ahead of me in line at the grocery store and they surely were well put together"...Then you see what her response is and the discussion of THOSE girls,follows. You get to feel out her thoughts on the TG world. But,do it at a good time when she isn't distracted..Then you can "polish" up your confession from there. We are all waiting!! lol

[AllieSF]

I think Beverly means that you can ask questions about her acceptance and comfort with diversity, such as gay marriage, pride parades, what she thinks about some actor dressing as a woman in a funny or serious role in a movie or television program. These are indirect questions that may help you discover more about her ideas and opinions on diverse lifestyles associated with the LGBT world, us! If you ask direct questions, you may or may not get a direct answer if she wonders why you are asking questions like that. The reason to ask those questions over a period of time when the opportunity arises or that you can create an opportunity to talk indirectly about these things is to help you understand her views and maybe how she may react to your coming out to her. They are not mandatory to ask before you tell her, but their answers may help you present your personal situation to her in a more understandable and hopefully more acceptable way to her.

When you tell her, I can only recommend that you tell her the truth, i.e.are you just a CD or maybe more, or you are not sure, or you are pretty sure. Keep the explanation and details to a minimum because I think that the revealing of your CDing may be a big shock to her, especially if she is very traditional and conservative. She will need a lot of time to understand what it means to be you and how it may affect her life in the future. I do not believe that a lot of details (telling about all the clothes and accessories that you have, how often, if at all, that you go out, etc.) in that first few conversations are necessary and may be too much information too fast. If she asks respond. I find that a lot of us, me included, tend to over explain when given the opportunity. I have seen people's reception of that information go from one of intense interest to one of "Why am I being given all the details (boredom)?"

There are some good resources on this site for how to tell someone, a loved one, about what we do. It may help you plan your approach to telling her. Good luck.

[Rachel M]

At the time my fiance and I were having pre-marriage jitters and doubt. I knew my CDing was a strong part of me. I went ahead and came out and told her. Just putting everything out there. She was the first person i ever shared this side of me with. I guess I was giving her a chance/reason to back out. She stayed, accepted, and supported. Marriage takes a lot of work from both parts and CDing can really test the relationship. My eventually broke apart.

Can you just pack up "gina" and stop dressing? Depends on your will power and happiness. We all have those moments when the pink fog rolls in and you need that balance of girl time.

[VeronicaMoonlit]

But don't be defensive about it, just explain that it's part of who you are, what drives it, and everything else you can (to the extent that you know, and if not, tell her that, too).

I'm glad you brought that up, that's very good advice there. Try not to make it appear as some horrible shameful thing that's the end of the world (I made that mistake a bit)...but as Nicole said... part of who you are. Talk about what it means to you and how (in general) it makes you feel...I think...

I think that "how to tell" thread that was mentioned is a good place to start in figuring out the "how"

Veronica

[Rhonda Ann]

If/When, you talk to her make sure you are prepared for any response she may have. This could be devistating to both parties, "Prepare for the worst and pray for the best." I wish you luck on what ever you decide, I'll be praying for you and wishing you happiness whatever the outcome may be.

[Tina B.]

Gina, there is a risk either way, I don't know your girl friend, so I don't know how she would react to such news. My first wife didn't handle it all that well when she found out, but my second wife didn't bat an eye about it, she took me shopping for clothes and wanted to see me in them the day I told her.
Sure you can quit, it's easy, so easy I've done it many times, the hard part is staying stopped, that was the part I could never master.I don't know what causes a mans need to dress as a women, but it seems to be common world wide. The important thing to know is where you want to go with it, is just dressing as a women part time enough, or do you think you want to be a women full time, these are things she will want to ask, and you will need an honest answer too.
I know I couldn't live with the lie, of keeping it a secret, and I'm glad I came out to my wife, I should have done it much sooner, but I fell in love and got married at a time I thought I had put it all behind me, after a couple years of marriage the need came back, and trying to hide it almost ruined my marriage, telling her saved it.

[GG7irish]

I am new to all of this but being a GG and there is nothing worse than dishonesty in any kind of relationship, my BF has been open and honest and because of that i am able and more willing to accept and love him all the more. I would never want him hurt or want him to suppress who he is. Sit down with her better to find out now then later especially if after the wedding and kids then become involved.......Best of luck.

[Grace85]

Certainly questions about diversity will help you prepare yourself, but no matter how conservative she and/or her family may be, she still deserves to know the truth. As someone else said, the odds of keeping that secret from her long-term are decidedly not in your favor. My boyfriend told me after we'd been dating about 18 months - and that was a big enough adjustment. But the fact that he was honest about calms some of my fears - because he was truthful, I know I can believe him when he says he's a male CD and does not want to change his gender or live as a woman full-time.

I would also suggest having some resources at the ready, for when she wants more information. I spent a lot of time googling and found so many stories about CD's who decided to transition later on that it scared me even more. It took me awhile to find better resources (like this site).

[sissystephanie]

I told my late wife that I was a crossdresser when I proposed to her. Her response was, "Do you go out in public dressed as a girl?" I told that yes, I do sometimes go out in public that way. She said, " I can really help with that!!' We had almsot 50 years together before cancer took her!! Definitely tell your fiancee before the marriage. Otherwise you are getting married under false pretenses!! Just make sure that she knows you are her MAN no matter what you are wearing!!

[Beverley Sims]

Yes she is Asian as well. What is an odd searching questions?

Questions I would ask are "What do you think of the Ladyboys in Singapore?"
"In Thailand there are a lot of girls who are boys in real life, they do look pretty don't they?"
These are the sort of indirect questions you can ask and then check her responses.
Other times when there is an article in a paper or magazine about X dressing you can try to include the subject in the conversation then.
These are what I mean by the odd searching questions.
It is not being sneaky but a way to find out your fiancee's feelings.
You are a long time married and you do want to be happy. :)

[ginawarp]

Questions I would ask are "What do you think of the Ladyboys in Singapore?"
"In Thailand there are a lot of girls who are boys in real life, they do look pretty don't they?"
These are the sort of indirect questions you can ask and then check her responses.
Other times when there is an article in a paper or magazine about X dressing you can try to include the subject in the conversation then.
These are what I mean by the odd searching questions.
It is not being sneaky but a way to find out your fiancee's feelings.
You are a long time married and you do want to be happy. :)
Thanks for the advice :) but I don't really like using ladyboys since I think they are GID and wants to be a woman.
I don't want her to start thinking that I want a sex change which I definitely would not want. I enjoy being a man. But just into female fashion and style. But I will try..hope to muster enough courage and tell her soon :)

[Aaron Zwidling]

If you want to be more subtle about it than talking about ladyboys you may want to consider some of the following:
- Discuss the 'Walk a mile in her shoes' events. These are events where men walk a mile in high heels to help raise awareness on violence against women. You could casually mention seeing a news item about it and gauge her reaction to men walking in high heels once a year for a good cause.
- Discuss earrings with her. I find it odd that over the last few years it has become somewhat normal for men to wear small hoop earrings in both ears, but slightly bigger hoops are still considered 'feminine' by most people. You could talk about how odd that distinction is and get her reaction. Just getting her reaction to men wearing any kind of earrings may tell you a lot about her possible level of acceptance.
- Discuss hair removal with her. In North American society hair removal rules are roughly as follows: Men can shave their faces or heads, but are not supposed to shave the rest of their bodies unless they are an body builders, swimmers or similar types of atheletes. Women are supposed to remove hair from everywhere on their bodies except for their head and lower face. Again a discussion on a topic like that may reveal some of her other thoughts on gender roles and expectations.
- Discuss traditional Greek clothes with her. The Greek 'Fustanella' is essentially a dress worn by Greek men. While it is typically only worn for traditional purposes getting her reaction to something like that could also give you insight into her expectations.

I wouldn't use all of the above examples at once, but using some of them will hopefully give you a better sense of how your fiance feels about those gray areas of gender expression. For the record I also feel you should tell her about your crossdressing before marriage. It's rare you ever hear of a crossdresser stopping, so chances are this will be part of your life for a very long time and potentially part of her life as well. Not only is it the right thing to do, but if she does accept that part of you it will potentially make your life that much better than if you try and hide it from her for years.

[5150 Girl]

I think she should have had this pice of information before you even proposed!!!

[sometimes_miss]

Going by my own experience and the experience of many others on this forum, I'd definitely tell her. It's a risk: she might decide to call off the marriage. But if she's dead set against CDing, better to know now than to wait any number of years to find out. A broken engagement is far better than a divorce.
^ this.
I'm one of those who had been able to I guess, repress the desire to crossdress for years at a time when in relationships. But the urge always came back eventually, either when the relationship was under stress for other reasons, or after the woman dumped me. Crossdressing rarely if ever goes away. There's no easy way to go through this; but as Annabelle wrote, it's better to know now, than have a furious wife divorcing you 10 years down the line. Take it from one who's been through it. Women see this issue as extremely important; hide it, and when they find out, they're almost always furious, and the outcome at that point is rarely a good one, because then they bring up the whole 'I can never trust him again' issue as substitute reason why they hate you and wind up leaving you.

The opposite side of all this is.....you may very well NEVER find a woman who approves of your crossdressing. So at that point, your choice boils down to, do you want to enjoy the relationship while it lasts, knowing it could deteriorate into total meltdown in the future, or potentially spend the rest of your life alone, because that's a very real possibility you're facing. The numbers aren't very hopeful; less than 1% of women want anything to do with a crossdresser in an intimate relationship, so bear that in mind when you decide to tell your current GF; because that's also the chance you have that she will be accepting of your crossdressing. After that, you might get into the 'don't ask, don't tell' type relationship, or perhaps she will simply go into denial about the whole thing as long as she never has to see any of your female belongings or see you 'en femme'.

I wish you all the luck in the world; mostly, because I haven't had any.
I hope things work out for you.

My own experience, wife left me after 10 years, saying she never would have married me if she had known about my crossdressing. I've been alone now 15 years, with no potential relationships on the horizon.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Gina, I would advise you to tell her now and if it's a deal breaker better now than later.

[Maria in heels]

Gina...I have read thru your thread, and I can tell you, this can go one of two ways..especially with the Asian background that we all share. I was lucky enough that when my wife found out, after the freak out session, she did the "typical" Chinese woman thing and basically ignored it. This has gone on over the years with many different issues, both good and bad. Of course, in hindsight, I can tell you that it was good that she found out "by mistake" because I don't know how it would have turned out otherwise. You can drop the the subject, and hide, but eventually, because you are together, you will slip up somewhere, maybe in a year or two as I did, and just have to deal with it then.

so, as you can see, there is no "answer" that we may all be looking for, just some blending point in the middle that hopefully we can find...

[Vickie_CDTV]

As a number of GGs will agree I am sure, not only is it a good idea to tell her, but she has a right to know before marriage (or making any other life altering decisions with you.)

As for giving up dressing, over the many years I have been involved with the trans community, I have met folks who have given it up successfully but they are rare and far between.