How understanding would you really be?

[Jenniferathome]

I've responded time and again to crossdressers who simply expect their wife or girlfriend to accept this peculiar side of them. More bothersome to me has been the crossdresser who wonders why thier wife or girlfriend won't go to bed with them in girl mode. I found an interesting illustration that might challenge your beliefs. Take a look at this:

http://www.uproxx.com/webculture/2012/04/20-of-the-creepiest-female-celebrities-with-beards/#page/13

and then ask yourself if your wife should expect you to accept her like this and even go to bed with her. It's easy to say you will do x, y, or z about a hypothetical question. Different when you see it. Quite a reality pill.

[AmyGaleRT]

Well, I always give myself a very thorough facial shaving as part of the process of becoming Amy, so the beard issue is a non-starter. Besides, my fiancee prefers me well shaved...less "rug burn" on her skin if I start kissing her. :)

My fiancee has told me she prefers to have "her man" in her bed with her, so has nixed the idea of me wearing nightgowns to bed. However, she does not object to me wearing my gowns around the house to relax at the end of the day, much as she herself does. Furthermore, she's told me she wouldn't object to my wearing more feminine pajamas to bed. Right now, I wear a set of tricot pajamas styled for men (advertised as "travel pajamas" on Amazon where I bought them). I may have to look for the prettiest, most feminine tricot pajama set I can find, and see what she thinks of it. :)

- Amy

[MeganHenry]

Great point.....

[Meghan]

Interesting perspective, thank you for this. It's generated a string of random thoughts in my head surrounding the issue...here we go, for better or worse!

Whenever I start thinking about how accepting people should be about me, I often read through the threads in the Female to Male section. Every one of those women are our sisters too, even though they seem to want some things we are trying (or imagine trying) to get rid of, and vice-versa.

In fact, one of my most interesting new relationships, which has a tremendous chance to be a great relationship, is with a couple who has a FTM in their partnership. We totally get each other.

That said, I think women get really worried when some of us can't understand why they don't accept that this is "who we are"!

Being transgender is just a part of me, not all of me, and my wife knows that. She also knows that being transgender will never completely define me, either. I think SO's get scared when it becomes everything and/or the only priority. But then again, if someone were that selfish it would probably be showing up in other areas.

Sometimes the coming out is just a symptom of a bigger trust issue, and the process of coming out confirms it. That gets interpreted as non-acceptance and the cycle gets nasty.

Meghan

[Ame Anderson]

If we all try to walk a mile in the other girls heels; wouldn't the world be a better place?

[Barbara Ella]

Quite a large reality pill to consider swallowing. I continue to be amazed at how some women accept the dressing, and the psychological nature of who we are. i also continue to pray and work for acceptance.

Barbara

[noeleena]

Hi,

Im on the other side , so how should i answer this, i know what iv said before though i cant see the www. thing'e, does not matter.

As a woman how would i work through this say i have a male partner, would i be happy for him to dress in my clothes, well no.
let alone my knickers, & yes i entertained a male who i thought was a dresser, some time ago, & he asked if he could try on one or two of my clothes , so i went out of the room to see what Jos thought of that i was a bit taken aback so we Jos & i said okay just two skirts & tops, .

That was okay & then he asked if he could try my knickers on , well the bells went off pretty quick then & i said keeping my self composed well no i dont think thats a good idear ....what i was really thinking was time you left .....NOW.....to me that was the red rag to the bull. any ways he did not stay long .

Im a woman i dont think as a male so your not going to invade my space
So back to if i had a partner who dressed, i would not handle it id expect my man to be a man not another woman or surposed woman next to me. hey i have many women as friends & yes they are close to me very close,

That allso begs another ? could i live with another women here other than..... JOS.....or family members, Jos & i have talked about that simple answer dont think so. .... really ....NO.....& iv looked at it just not in our home,

You know im intersexed so i have my own delemers, to face & the reasons , i have had issues around men.

...noeleena...

[thewife/soon2bex]

WOW this really puts a WHOLE new spin on things.. just saying... wish i could send this to my stbex...

[ArleneRaquel]

If my wife, I'm a widower, came out to me as a FtoM CD I would react very poorly I'm afraid to say. I never told her about my CD life, I kew that it would cause her great distress. Maybe I'm somewhat of a coward.

[Beverley Sims]

I do agree there is a lot of food for thought here.
We all have our own fantasies as to how we look and my wife does not like me all hairy.
No I do not want her hairy either.
When I am with some girls dressed I play my part down a lot.
I do try to blend into the woodwork. It works for me that way.

[ChelseaErtel]

My wife and I had not been intimate for four years prior to me telling her I was TS. However, I found out after I came out that about four years ago she thought I was gay. So, the intimacy was cut off and doubts and fear remained. Now that she knows, she has asked if I could be intimate with her again, would it bother me? Wow, what a question to ask. Of course not in girl mode, she made that clear. I would love to pleasure her, but for myself it's a complicated thing, I don't like when I get aroused. I do all I can to keep him down. But, I'm still attracted to my wife and want to make her happy. So, I think we can begin some intimacy soon and see how it goes. She knows I want to transition and I asked her what she would think about me having breasts? I can cover them to a degree and they can be avoided, but that is a question she was willing to entertain and didn't think it would bother her as long as they weren't obvious.

So, being intimate with my wife, even in transition and after should it continue would be in man mode. So, I guess I'd be crossdressing FTM after transition - there's a twist I hadn't thought of.

On a side note she was not averse to me doing to bed in my girl things. She didn't want to see it, but since I go to bed much earlier and rise much earlier than her it's not a problem. Baby steps. She also asked if I would mind or like to see her in sexy things. Of course I responded, I'd like to see her in those because it's sexy but she'd have to remember that I enjoy her being in those, I'd still wish I could look as good in them too. She laughed.

And I have to tell you she is an extraordinary and wonderful woman. I am eating crow and happy to do it. Thought I'd be in the street after coming out to her.

[CaraDawson]

After reading all of this I am glad that I keep both sides of myself(Male and Female) separate.
I have had an Ex that was OK with it, then again that may have had nothing to do with it.
All-in-all it's a touchy on the fence subject that in the end has no correct answer.
Cara

[Noel Chimes]

Can you say "reality check"?

[Raychel]

Certainly is an eyeopener. I have to say that a totally hairy woman would be a wicked turn-off.
Although I would still have to think twice about Jenifer Aniston.

[Angela Campbell]

A couple of them are kinda cute.

[Kate Simmons]

How understanding we are is directly proportional to how accepted we will be.:)

[linda allen]

I don't think we can compare our feelings about our wives or girlfriends crossdressing to the way they feel about us doing it. Men and women just have different attitudes about such things.

That said, if my wife wanted to dress up as Chuck Norris at home and have her way with me in the bedroom, I would go along with it at least once. :heehee:

[DebbieL]

The picture of the TAZ makover of Jennifer with a beard and hairy chest does make a good point. If our wives, who were very feminine and were attractive to us because they were so feminine were to suddenly put on a lumberjack shirt, put on a beard with latex, and so on, we wouldn't find her attractive at all.

Many transgenders do such a good job of separating their male and femme personalities that they successfully convince the women they end up marrying that they are totally masculine and male. They may even be a bit sexist and might even insist that their wife be as feminine as possible while protecting his masculine persona by conforming to male roles completely. Many transgenders, especially cross-dressers will try very hard to hide their feminine side and act more masculine - as a survival instinct. Transsexuals especially, tend to become aware of their feminine side and their desire to dress like girls (and be like girls) when they are around 5-6 years old, about the age in 1st grade when teachers, parents, and students begin separating children based on gender, primarily because the boys who tend to have more aggressive, even violent behavior start hurting the girls, who are more focused on cooperation, and better at fine motor skills. Girls who are more aggressive and like to rough and tumble with the boys, and don't mind if they get hurt and tend to just push back are often called "Tom-boys" at that age, and teachers and parents often consider that quite acceptable. Boys who tend not to be so aggressive, who would rather just play nice, and prefer to play less violent games like hop-scotch and jump-rope are often called "Sissies", and Parents, Faculty, and other students, especially the boys, tend to be far less accepting of "Sissies", especially during out-door time or gym class. It's only been in the last 10 years that the medical profession has begun doing much research and finding out that Sissies, effeminate boys, are actually biologically different from normal boys, their Limbic systems are smaller than normal for a boy, more like a girl. They have also found that many tom-boys have more developed limbic systems. Many transgenders and transsexuals have these characteristics. They may also have longer index fingers than ring fingers, another indication that prenatal testosterone levels were lower than normal.

Because Sissies were not accepted, and in fact were often physically beaten by the boys, emotionally tormented, and sometimes even publicly humiliated in classrooms by the teachers, and even rejected by the girls, the sissies often went to the other extreme. They did everything they could to hide everything feminine about themselves. Many secretly develop the desire to become girls, but they try very hard to hide those feelings and those desires, knowing that if they expressed them publicly, they could end up being beaten, injured, even hospitalized - even under teacher supervision.

Not all cross-dressers are transsexual, or even transgender, but even those who aren't have those memories of what would happen to those who were. They would see the other sissies getting beaten and humiliated, and would do everything they could to be like the other boys. When they did develop the desire to start wearing women's clothes, they feared that they would be treated the same as those sissies. They often feared that people would assume they were homosexual, or that they were even sexual perverts. Many grew up in strong religious environments where they were taught that homosexuals and transvestites should be stoned to death, would burn in hell for eternity, and worse - we'll leave the religious discussion to another group, sufficient to say that for many, this was just another form of terrorism, another incentive to act as masculine as possible.

At this point, often in their late twenties, these cross-dressers, whether transsexual, transgender, or just transvestite, start dating with a genuine interest in getting married. Many hope that if they get married, if they are having sex on a regular basis, if they have other outlets, that they won't have the desire to dress any more. Often, in their early teens, they have figured out that if they are too feminine, if they don't act like the other boys, most of the girls will not be interested. Rather than being themselves and finding women who would be attracted to that, they try to become what they think they have to be to get the girls. If they have to look and act more masculine, act more aggressively, act sexist, even be a bit of the "Bad Boy", that's what they do. The natural instinct to reproduce overrides other desires, and they do what they must to compete and find a mate, a wife.

Of course, the wife has been attracted to the masculine behavior, which by now is so well practiced and rehearsed that it looks as real as any other man. The girls who are attracted to really masculine men seek him out, the girls who want a gentler, more feminine man tend to avoid him. The lie becomes the truth. Often, the marriage may go weeks, months, or ever a few years, before the dressing desires come back. At this point, the man, who has tried so hard to maintain the facade, is afraid to tell his girl-friend, lover, then wife about his dressing for fear that she will reject him. For those who are married, the problem is compounded, because not only is there the risk that she will reject him sexually, but there is also the risk that she will ONLY reject him sexually but insist that he continue to play the role of husband, provider, and father, even threatening black-mail if he fails to do so.

When a man who has been "All Man" for the entire time he has been dating, engaged, and then married to his wife, who has been all man with the kids, and has avoided doing most of the "women's work", coming out can be a very ugly experience indeed. It would in fact be much like having his wife come out to him as a Trans-man, telling her husband that she wants to start testosterone so she can grow a beard and body hair after being the very feminine and beautiful wife the whole time. Often, when we come out in this way, the wife feels betrayed, and she is right. She really has no idea who her husband is anymore. Before she can even verbalize any of it, she immediately wonders all at once "Does he want a sex change?" "Is he gay?", "Has he been sleeping with other women?", "Has he been sleeping with other men?", "What ELSE has he been lying about?", "has he been wearing MY clothes?". Uncertainty turns to shame and guilt, shame and guilt turns to anger, anger turns to hate.

For the man who has tried so hard to be "All Man" to come out to his wife and say "I want to dress like a girl", the outcome is often difficult. She may pretend to be accepting, but secretly be looking for how to get out of the relationship, or how to exploit it. As the transition from shock to hate takes place, she may start using it like blackmail, she may stop having sex with her husband altogether. She may start checking up on him more often, just to make sure that he isn't just sleeping around and pretending to be a cross-dresser so she won't suspect. In my case, my ex-wife eventually limited sex to 3 times a year, "Just so you won't forget what it is your not getting". The relationship degenerates from love and marriage to platonic room-mates. They begin avoiding each other, often using the children's activities as an excuse. In extreme cases, they may end up in separate bedrooms, or she may want to keep him in the bed with her so he can't even masturbate. Even kissing can end with put-downs and emotional abuse.

For those who have been a bit more open about who and what they are, who have joked about or admitted their feminine side in various ways, who try to do subtle feminine things even when dressing and acting like a man, there is often a very different outcome. For these men, the women who are attracted to "a Man's man" tend to ignore them. On the other hand, women who are more interested in more flexible gender roles will find this type of man very attractive. They may be less inclined to dress as feminine, they may tend to take the initiative, they may even be the one to ask the boy out, they may even be the one to initiate sex. They may even compliment him on his feminine features, on his long eyelashes, on his "pretty" face, on his "Cute" butt. She may even joke about wanting to see him in drag. She may even take the lead in the relationship. She might ask him to help around the kitchen, or to help with the laundry. She may even know before he does that he his transgender. In many cases, she will even express a bisexual nature. She might look at a pretty woman and say "I love that dress", I couldn't wear it, but she looks delicious. She might even flirt with women in restaurants, or even ask her husband/boyfriend to check out a particular girl.

For a woman like this, the challenge for her is the delicate dance of letting you know that she wants you, but at the same time not threatening your masculinity if you are still trying, however ineffectively, to maintain the illusion of masculinity. Your signals don't help. On the one hand, some of the flirtation may be appealing to you, on the other hand, if she pulls your covers, you may fear that she is making fun of you and putting you down, so you react defensively, the way you would when the boys called a boy (you or another boy) a sissy. Instinctively, the fear of being "outed" is so deeply embedded that the survival instinct kicks in and makes you defensive. She may have tried this with other boys before, and seen him run for the hills then and there. She is afraid of rejection too. In a relationship like this, both of you are afraid. She is afraid that if she tries to feminize you, you will run for the door. You are afraid that if she finds out about your desire to dress, that she will run for the door. You are a perfect match for each other, yet you are both scared to death of losing each other by telling the truth. This is probably the most tragic type of secret. There is even the risk that you will begin to resent each other, washing you had found someone who could be more accepting. The reaction when you tell her might be more like "We wasted all these years when we could have been so happy". That kind of frustration often wanes, and then the two of you may start having a wonderful time together. You can go shopping with each other, and even bring new activities into your sex life (toys), and she might even teach you how to make love lesbian style. Being bisexual, she may even have fun playing with you in boy mode one day and girl mode another day. I had one girlfriend who even brought other women home for 3-ways.

If you have lived a life of deception, and you have your wife completely fooled, and she can't even imagine you as a girl at Halloween, then you probably have a big problem. If she wears the pants in the family, she might be thrilled when you tell her you want to wear the skirt.

[Angela Campbell]

Debbie you described my life to the letter except for letting the spouse know. I never did that. But growing up this way, the early twenties all are exactly my story. I was ridiculed as a child because inside I was a girl eventually I did learn to hide it well. I never stopped wanting to live as a female though, not even temporarily, but I did hide it well.

[Ceri Anne]

A few of them looked pretty hot........some not......lol. While a fun page, I understand the point you were making, and is one of the reasons we struggle with coming out. I think many of us do know what at least the first impresions of our SO's might be. Thanks as always jennifer

[Launa]

I was trying not to laugh when I saw this.
For this reason I would never, ever, ever ask my wife to jump into bed with Launa or even to be around her in the same room if she's not in the mood.
These pictures are beautiful women but just hairy. Imagine if they took it one step further and put on a balding wig cap, coveralls, smoked a pipe and then said, "get into bed big boy."

[GeminaRenee]

Well, I'm not of the camp that simply expects someone to accept this part of me. I realize that there are a fairly select group of women who might be interested in dining at the table I'm capable of setting. Though I wish that I might have the same total pool to select from as a more 'average guy' from time to time, that disappointment can be tempered by the fact that a great number of the women who I am totally incompatible with also happen to have value systems that are not compatible with mine. So really, the loss is not so great.

Besides, I can see why many women are not interested in us - many don't want to date another woman, or see another woman in the man that they thought they were getting. By that same token, I have no real problem admitting that being with someone who was FtM might not be my cup of tea, just in the same sense that dating a masculine guy wouldn't be my cup of tea. I am attracted to femininity, regardless of equipment.

That's not to say that I wouldn't be supportive of that person - but my support & understanding would probably have to come from the capacity of friendship. There are just certain requirements, I think, for me to be romantically in love with someone. I haven't yet been so in love with someone that having a beard (or the desire to have one) was a non-issue.

Of course, I would hope that my SO would have the courage to tell me about that part of herself before we had evolved into being at such a level of intimacy. Of course, as we well know, that doesn't always happen...

[EllieOPKS]

Jennifer
This link is probably the best explanation as to why wives would rather walk away from a cross dressing husband. Thanks for finding and posting such a perfect illustration.

[Kerigirl2009]

Part of the difference I see is if they where going to be growing a beard and chest hair and underarm hair. I would doubt that they wold spend time putting makeup on styling their hair and dressing in the feminine clothes. So that is tha same to me as one of us going out in female attire with a beard. Not exactly the same as trying to dress to blend

[Jenniferathome]

Part of the difference I see is if they where going to be growing a beard and chest hair and underarm hair. I would doubt that they wold spend time putting makeup on styling their hair and dressing in the feminine clothes. So that is tha same to me as one of us going out in female attire with a beard. Not exactly the same as trying to dress to blend

But Kerri, how do our wives see us? Likely as a dude in a dress with some beard shadow and a very male body. The point is not that these beautiful women have photoshopped beards but rather, and even without makeup, they'd still be repellant to most of us, men. My thesis is that we can not objectively put ourselves in our wives shoes and so when I see a complaint about a wife "not letting me dress when I want" I am appalled.

[kimdl93]

since I can't grow a decent beard or chest hair, the illustration is irrelevant. With regard to being accepted on an intimate basis, I really think that depends on how your SO is wired, sexually speaking. I've been married twice and both my first and present wife have accepted, enthusiastically, my CDing as part of that intimacy. But its not like I showed up in the bedroom fully dressed. In both cases, my wives instigated the introduction of CDing as part of our relations. Once they made it clear that it WAS acceptable and enjoyable for them, then we took it a bit farther.

No one should assume that they will be accepted - in or out of the bedroom.

[AllyCDTV]

To me crossdressing's appeal is largely in the realm of fantasy. I do my best to simulate a real girl, but the construct comes crashing down if too much reality is applied. Perhaps that is one reason going out in public and meeting other crossdressers in real life has never appealed to me. With that in mind, I always thought that asking a woman to play with me while I am crossdressing would be a real tough thing to pull off from either end, both her's and mine.