Still Questioning.. Can't comprehend why?

[Jordie]

Hello Dear Friends!

I am just about to leave for my therapy session after 6 months. I has been about 18 months since I started my HRT and living 95% full time (5% office – I go to office once a week – they don’t know and I don’t want to tell yet because I might change jobs to start from scratch)
It has been all this time and although I don’t reject the subtle changes at the physical, emotional and mental levels due to HRT, in fact I embrace them very well except for a minor discomfort in the gonads I guess due to the Testosterone blocker (Spiro); I am still wondering what the hell am I doing? I know it is important to find the true sense of self and in all this time I have been trying to understand / or sense the feelings of being a woman but I just can’t find it. I am me, yes, I am more mellow, patience, and perhaps less focused on materialism and more focused on being at peace and loving to others, however; I am still asking questions such as : Am I really a transgender? Am I really doing the right thing? (BTW I know this one I can only answer it myself), I ask many what ifs, but I don’t find any response. I continue my life living the best I can and being the best person I can but I honestly would love to embrace my supposedly transsexualism in its totally and to be able to drop the fear that it encompasses. Fear of doing the wrong thing, fear of getting sick due to the HRT, fear of damaging my lovely children (which by the way love me and accept me – Been separated for 2 years now and living by myself), fear of staying alone and isolated for the rest of my days in this world. Though I have never had any issues or problems in my RLE, I am woman all the time in the world (except for work - I work in a CM company... too much testosterone and they will never get it)
I guess I will discuss these items with my therapist today, but I wanted to get your input , opinions and perspectives.
Have an awesome rest of the day!:battingeyelashes:

[Aprilrain]

This is a hard road with no easy answers. I think it is normal to question and your fears are valid. The big question is do you HAVE to do this! Only you know. don't beat yourself up for questioning though. the point of transition is to become yourself not to become some caricature of a woman. If your hoping to "feel" like a different person you will probably be disappointed.

Whatever you do just be totally honest with yourself and your therapist and give yourself all the time you need to figure it out, no need to rush into something you can't back out of!

[Dawn cd]

These are all Big Questions that need to be brought up with your therapist. Because if you can't find answers in therapy I don't think you're going to find answers here. Probably just living through this time will supply the clarity. Let us know what you find out.

[Barbara Ella]

If you don't even think of the questions to ask them, you have no chance at succeeding. you are on the right track, and you will find your way to what best fits your situation. Be strong in your convictions, and the answers will come.

Barbara

[kimdl93]

There's no litmus test that can answer your question. This is something you ultimately need to decide for yourself. But, its entirely possible that you may never get a nice neat answer, nor find it within yourself to acccept who you are.

I would ask, are you happy living as a woman "all the time in the world (except work...)"? If you are, then perhaps that's the answer.

[DebbieL]

I do understand your struggle. I've known I was transsexual since I was 4 years old. More than anything else in the world I wanted to be a girl, and I still do, 52 years later. If there were a fairy godmother who could wave her magic want and turn me into a young and beautiful woman and I knew that I would never have to worry about someone thinking I was a boy in drag, I'd sign up in a heart-beat.

But as you already know, it's not that easy and not that complete. There are logistics and expenses. Hair removal with laser or electrolysis or both, HRT, surgeries, and most insurance companies don't cover any of the expenses. It's slow and painful, it takes at LEAST one year and can take even longer if you don't have lots of emotional, financial, and social support. Many of us make detours through psych wards, military, and many try to commit suicide, and even more actually succeed in killing themselves. When I was 10 years old, I remember hearing about Christine Jorgensen, and I thought they had turned her into a real woman. I wanted to be a girl too. I told my mom, I even told a psychologist I had been seeing for over a year.

What I didn't know was that in this country, the preferred treatment for transsexuals was 30 days of electroshock (back in those days, they didn't use anesthesia or drugs, they just put you through very painful electric shocks or insulin shocks. The first day might be done willingly but subsequent treatments were often done by force, with orderlies forcing the victim onto the gurney where they would be strapped down arms, legs, and head, then they would be wheeled to the shock room, knowing the terror that was to come. When the shock was over, they would have much of their memory erased, and eventually, they would just stop fighting the horrible treatments - since it was useless to resist anyway. If the shock treatments didn't work, they would drive a spike into the frontal lobe, which would make the victim very docile, but still leave them with some part of a personality - sometimes. If that failed, the next step was a full frontal lobotomy. I didn't understand or know any of this at the time, but my mother had been through the 30 day EST for rape trauma, and she was doing everything she could to make sure I didn't have to go through that. She told me about the EST when I was 15.

Here in the United States - the American Psychiatric Association only decided LAST YEAR ( December 2010) that treatment focused on trying to force or encourage a transsexual to accept their birth sex was considered UNETHICAL! Prior to only about 24 months ago, the accepted practice was to try and persuade a transsexual to accept his birth sex. Tom-boys were assumed to just have "penis envy" and were encouraged to go for being more powerful and comfortable as women - wear the pants, fight like the boys, but do it with your breasts and vagina.

The next conundrum comes after you've gone through all those other changes. If you've been doing HRT, doing the lifestyle changes, and you are still going into work 1 day / week as your male self, then you know that you can still pass as a man, which can undermine your confidence in passing as a woman. What if you even do SRS and you STILL find that you are clocked, read as a "guy in a dress" - even though your anatomy is now female? One of the things about learning to do make-up is that you know you can do many things to change your appearance, but you also become more aware of the various imperfections, the "tells". Many end up seeking FFS, and then become plastic surgery addicts. They never think they are pretty enough.

Then, lets say you complete the transition and you pass perfectly, so well in fact that nobody knows that you have ever been anything but a woman. The challenge then becomes maintaining the illusion and deception of a history as a girl. You can change school and work records, but can you share the experiences of playing with Barbie Dolls, the traumas of a girl in Middle School, your first dance, your first kiss, your first time with a man? For some, especially those who are determined to hide their male history. If someone is not prepared for the possibility of exposure or discovery, it can become a critical problem.

The most important thing is for you to love and accept yourself, exactly as you are, exactly as you are not, and then decide which direction you want to go. Given how many of the changes you have already done, it sounds to me that the main conflict is that you don't want to let go of that last 5%. I would suggest that you go ahead and have a discussion with your HR person, also look at the laws in your state and/or country. Obviously if you are working in a situation where cross-dressing is a criminal act, where you have no legal protections, or where there are high number of hate crimes and homophobic crimes, then you need to maintain the low profile until you can move someplace safe. 20 years ago, I left Colorado Springs Colorado because the Focus on the Family Fundamentalists had pushed to have gay rights revoked, to eliminate violence against homosexuals as hate-crimes, and even had FOTF members tracking license plates in front of the local gay bar and passing information back to employers. Even though it meant leaving my kids and my ex-wife, I moved to New York, where there were legal protections and a supportive community.

About 3 years later, I was invited into a leadership program, but one of the conditions was that I had to "Burn the Dress". Debbie tried to function in the suit and broke all records for the program, but at the end of the 6 month program, I decided not to go further in that leadership program, but went into another program where I was not to go out in public. I should never have stopped transition. I had been warned by a therapist that if I tried to "kill Debbie" that "Debbie would kill Rex". I nearly doubled my weight in 3 years, and by 9/11/2001 I had gone from a svelt 150 lbs to over 325 lbs. I couldn't even weigh myself on a bathroom scale. When I decided to start doing Debbie again, I lost 85 lbs, but when I decided I was too big, and started growing a beard, to work in Saudi Arabia, my weight shot up to 320 again, one of my purges even resulted in a stroke. I lost my left side but eventually Debbie got both sides working again, only a trained doctor can tell. I finally decided to play a game "14 in 14" to go from Size 28 to Size 14 in 14 months. I lost over 85 lbs and could wear stretchy size 14 pants or skirts. I could wear regular size 16. I started to think about transition again and started trying to explore transition options. When my wife told me she was not OK with my transitioning - I gained 40 lbs and had a heart problem.

When my father died, I again found myself considering transition, and got more healthy, then started to give up and had another heart problem. I also started having suicidal thoughts.

When I was a drug addict, I would get clean for a while, things would get better, my health would improve, then I'd stop doing the work, relapse, and live would get terrible again. The people who loved me told me that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, they asked me to consider that if my life got terrible when I used drugs, regardless of what or how much I used, then it might be sanity to stop using those drugs.

It's remarkable that I have very similar experiences around transition. When I'm seeking transition, my health improves, I'm more productive at work, I lose weight, I have more friends, I support people, and I socialize more. When I try to purge, to become more Rex, or to put Debbie back in the closet I gain weight, have heart attacks and strokes, and my blood pressure goes out of control and I get depressed to the point of being suicidal. If the symptoms were caused by drugs or overeating, they would tell me to stop doing the behavior that is killing me and stick with the behavior that is healing me. Yet when the "Cure" is transition to Debbie, even those closest to me, including my father, my first and second wife, and even therapists and doctors - seem to think that it would be better for me to NOT transition, even if it kills me.

Since there are almost no Christians who come back to tell us what happens after death (Jesus and Lazarus didn't say much about that), I often consider the possibility that reincarnation is a possibility, and that I might have the option of coming back as a girl, and growing into the beautiful woman I've always wanted to be. I've had dreams that were like memories of being a girl about 17 years old, having sex with my boyfriend in the back of his convertible and then being strangled by a fundamentalist Christian - when I was 4 years old. I couldn't prove that it was reincarnation, I couldn't even tell you the year - probably 1954 or 1955, and in the fall. Why did I come back as a boy? Did I want to be a boy? Did I discover the violence of being a boy and then remember being a girl and yearn for that life again?

What I know today is that I'm almost 57 years old, I weigh far too much (currently wearing size 20), and I still haven't transitioned. Part of me wants to go back in the time machine or send messages to myself in the past and scream "TELL THE TRUTH YOU IDIOT, TELL THEM YOU WANT TO BE A GIRL!!!" but I also realize that, in this life, I had a much better chance of just being castrated, raped, and eventually killed if I had transitioned in the early 1960s or 1970s, I might have died of AIDS in the 1980s if I had started Debbie in college. I might have died of an XTC overdose in the 1990s. Wondering about what it would be like if I had transitioned earlier is a path to dispair. The reality is that I didn't transition. I let family, friends, and circumstances stop me from transitioning. I tried to commit suicide in the 1960s, 1970s, and even in the early 1980s. I almost died of medical problems a few times between 2000 and 2012, and seriously thought about not going to the doctor and letting it play out. Yet somehow, in the face of all that, I managed to survive, to tell my tale, and to share hope with those who are torn or risk giving into the circumstances and bigotry of others.

Don't be a 57 year old man, regretting that you will never be a pretty woman, knowing that the best you can hope for is to be a relatively plain "old lady". Don't think back on your past wanting to kick yourself for all the lies, delays, and missing out on life. Go for the real life experience, find out what life is like when you are living as a woman 24/7, find out what it's like to have a legal driver's license, passport, and court records that list your femme name, and work history as a woman. Even at this stage, it's reversible if you really decide that you want to go back to being a man, but it's highly unlikely that that is what you will want. You may decide to go for the SRS, or not.
d

[Badtranny]

I hate to tell you this Jordie, but 95% full time is NOT full time at all. That tiny little safety valve makes all the difference in the world.

Speaking only for myself, I don't understand your questions. I can't fathom the uncertainty you are describing, and if I felt anything like that AFTER I decided to transition I don't think I could have done it. The only thing that got me through coming out was knowing that I was finally being true to myself. Now that it's done, I couldn't imagine how awful it would be to wonder if I'd done the right thing. From my limited perspective, I think questions or uncertainty like that should be considered to be red lights, or at least yellow ones.

I could be wrong, but I believe that you are or you aren't. You either know it or you don't. I have no special insight into your situation, I can only go by what you wrote so please don't think I'm diagnosing you as something other than what you feel. I'm only commenting on your own admitted uncertainty, and I don't think people should make such huge life changing decisions unless they are absolutely certain.

Would you get married to somebody if you felt this way about them?

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Jordie,


It has been about 18 months since I started my HRT and living 95% full time (5% office – I go to office once a week – they don’t know and I don’t want to tell yet because I might change jobs to start from scratch)
It has been all this time and although I don’t reject the subtle changes at the physical, emotional and mental levels due to HRT, in fact I embrace them very well except for a minor discomfort in the gonads I guess due to the Testosterone blocker (Spiro); I am still wondering what the hell am I doing? I know it is important to find the true sense of self and in all this time I have been trying to understand / or sense the feelings of being a woman but I just can’t find it.

Like Melissa, this throws up a real red flag for me. I can't say it often enough, transition isn't a universal remedy. In my not so humble opinion, it shouldn't be undertaken unless you absolutely need to do it.

I'm glad you will be seeing your therapist, because I feel you need to discuss this in depth with someone who knows more about you.

Perhaps it is just as well that you have kept your options open by not going full-time. If you discover that transition is not for you, at least there won't be any bad come-backs at work.

Did your therapist start you on hormones as a diagnostic aid, to help you see whether you actually are TG?

If you still have such serious doubts, could this be a good time to bail out?

[Babeba]

Jordie,

If you are thinking of leaving your work, is to transition the only reason? If so, why not try transitioning out there in place before you leave? Won't all the same sort of restraints pop up with your new place of employment as the old? I would also imagine that would make getting a reference check as a female easier and more stealthy if they don't have to ask about you as your male name.

I agree with Melissa, that last 5% is important to living full time. If that is your eventual goal, and you want to see if this all is right sooner than later, why wait? On the other hand if this is not right, wouldn't you want to be able to figure that out sooner than later?

I don't think that vaginas are magical. I don't believe that having SRS will make you suddenly happy and female. It could be that transitioning is NOT what is in your best interest. Or, that could be exactly what you need. It's a lot of pain, expense and stress to go further than you are if you don't need to in order to be the best, happiest version of yourself.

[Jordie]

I hate to tell you this Jordie, but 95% full time is NOT full time at all. That tiny little safety valve makes all the difference in the world. Melissa, thank you for your input. You are absolutely right, but I would change it a little. I don't see that 5% as a safety valve, though I love how you nicely put it, but I see it as a necessity for now as I make progress towards a new legal identity, name change and all that. Currently, this job is the perfect job for me, I work from home, they give me a car, computer and expenses and most important FREEDOM. My boss tells "I don't care if you are in Cancun as long as you get the projects done".. BUT I work in the Construction Management industry and my office is full of Testosterone and the environment is simply not appropriate, therefore I am looking for more open minded companies to work for, one of them being JCrew which is a LGBT friendly company and have their own Construction Management Department. now the question is how aggressive am I being in my research for new jobs, well, not too much, the reason: I have been spoiled by this company and I currently doubt I will find another job like this. But I realized this is irrelevant when it comes to my life and the real freedom of being myself 100% all the time... working on it though. Again, I loved your input friend and Thank you !


I think questions or uncertainty like that should be considered to be red lights, or at least yellow ones. Absolutely and they have been Red Lights indeed!! stopping me from moving on!!. that is why I decided to come back to therapy. There is no doubt about being happier honoring and accepting myself, but I think what is really stopping me is that I have not been able to mourn the lost of my family and I feel a tremendous sense of guilt and selfishness but also I realize that my kids need a live father and if I don't this I feel I will end up living like a zombie and that is not what they deserve.




Don't be a 57 year old man, regretting that you will never be a pretty woman, knowing that the best you can hope for is to be a relatively plain "old lady". Don't think back on your past wanting to kick yourself for all the lies, delays, and missing out on life. Go for the real life experience, find out what life is like when you are living as a woman 24/7, find out what it's like to have a legal driver's license, passport, and court records that list your femme name, and work history as a woman. Even at this stage, it's reversible if you really decide that you want to go back to being a man, but it's highly unlikely that that is what you will want. You may decide to go for the SRS, or not.
d

Debbie,

Thank so very much for your long reply. Your time and patience is highly appreciated. Yes, I need to move on. I feel and sense in my heart this is the right thing for me. All I need to is to keep working on my fears and feelings. I know all will pass and I will be embracing the woman in me fully. Again, Thank you Dear!

[Rianna Humble]

I don't think that vaginas are magical. I don't believe that having SRS will make you suddenly happy and female.

Now where did they hide that blessed "Like" button?

[Jordie]

Jordie,

If you are thinking of leaving your work, is to transition the only reason? If so, why not try transitioning out there in place before you leave? Won't all the same sort of restraints pop up with your new place of employment as the old? I would also imagine that would make getting a reference check as a female easier and more stealthy if they don't have to ask about you as your male name. Dear Babs, Thank you for your advise. I just rather move to a new company and start from scratch. This environment is not really safe. I have been with them for over 10 years and I know it is not the right place for a transgender woman to work. Too many variables.


I agree with Melissa, that last 5% is important to living full time. If that is your eventual goal, and you want to see if this all is right sooner than later, why wait? On the other hand if this is not right, wouldn't you want to be able to figure that out sooner than later? Yes, I am currently seeking a new company that might allow me to work for them and be finally able to live full time. As I said to Mellissa, I am not being too aggressive in my search because I have been spoiled my current company, BUT that should not be an excuse when it comes to my life's freedom.


There's no litmus test that can answer your question. This is something you ultimately need to decide for yourself. But, its entirely possible that you may never get a nice neat answer, nor find it within yourself to acccept who you are.

I would ask, are you happy living as a woman "all the time in the world (except work...)"? If you are, then perhaps that's the answer.

Kimdl93, Thank you very much for your input. Yes, I am happy as a woman.

[Badtranny]

Again, I loved your input friend and Thank you !

...um

I really thought you would have been pissed off by my comments even though I felt like I was soft pedaling. I'm stunned by your acceptance of my gentle critique. Not stunned into silence (c'mon) but stunned nonetheless. All I can say Jordie is that having an even keel is a hallmark of good character, and publicly thanking me for suggesting that you should reconsider transition is a display of an even keel indeed. I only have one thing to add;

I am also in construction management, in fact I currently manage the managers in my department so I am intimately familiar with the testosterone fueled environment of which you speak. Search some of my posts and you'll see me describing some of the fears I've overcome. Look at my blog (the link is in my sig) and you'll see me describe coming out and then transitioning at an Electrical contractor where I've worked as a PM since 2001. I was where you are and I seriously considered changing careers as well rather than "humiliate" myself by coming out in such a small industry. Yes I know that once you come out at your company, the news will spread to the rest of them in your area. To vendors, to competitors, etc. I know this.

I did it.

You can do it too.

[Babeba]

As someone whose contract is ending in about a month, I can totally understand how it can be a bit freaky to go without a job for a while. It sounds like the other things in your life (with regards to transitioning) are relatively stable, which is not a bad thing. It does sound like you have a little bit of play room with when you will take that final leap, which is always nice in a slow economy.

On the other hand, it would be really too bad for you to hesitate and miss a great time to transition!

[KellyJameson]

What is the experience like when you are in public the other 95% of the time? Compare presenting as a man before to now as you present as female.

Do you feel now that you are not trying to make everyone believe that you are something you are not.

Does it feel more honest now even if you wonder or fear whether they always see a woman?

Stand in front of the mirror naked and look at your body and than close your eyes, what shape feels more natural for you?

What is your relationship to breasts, sexual or something else?

If something else what is it? Do breasts feel natural to you as if you body does not make sense without them?

If you are transsexual you would have experienced a type of incongruity so it is only a matter of giving those feelings words to than uncover the patterns of your behavior that would have been influenced by living opposed to your external self and the worlds relationship with that external self.

It does not mean you dressed as a girl or played with dolls but you would instinctively have moved toward your own kind unless you were not given a choice so your desire to be with your own kind would have been frustrated and this frustration would also leave its mark.

Think about conflict from your childhood with boys and girls, would it have been different if you were a girl?

Being born with a brain that did not experience defeminization in the womb but a body that was masculinized will leave you very different than the vast majority of the world and there are usually consequences that leave marks all over your life so it is only a matter of understanding why and how.

Your brain and body will be at war with each other and because we live in our brains that means we will be at war with ourselves. Have you lived this war?

I think it is very healthy to be honest about having doubts so the question than becomes are these doubts that you are female brained or if being female brained you can continue to live with the incongruity between body and soul.

The brain does not have to be a pure expression of femininity so may have strong masculine and feminine qualities reducing the sensation of incongruence between body and mind.

It is when the body and mind are at opposite ends of the spectrum that it becomes unbearable in my opinion where for many possibly most men and women they are very comfortable being a mixture of both feminine and masculine regardless of their body because there is enough of either to be lived through the body they have.

Do you feel like you will never really live, really never be born and begin your life until you transition?

This feeling creates a urgency that is very difficult to ignore without doing something to quiet or distract your mind such as alcohol, drugs, drama, ect..

[Inna]

Hmmmm, I can't tell you, who you are, but I can tell you what transsexuality is.

I continue my life living the best I can and being the best person I can but I honestly would love to embrace my supposedly transsexualism in its totally and to be able to drop the fear that it encompasses.
To drop the fear and embrace transsexuality as the end point? Well. lets just say that a person can embrace the fact of being sick with cancer, tumor, they can even make peace with its existence and not intervene, allowing the inevitable, as it shall come. But for most, getting over the illness is of utmost importance!
In the case of transsexuality that of gender dysphoria where dislike of incongruity of bodies sexual characteristics is strong, the end point is to become the corrected avatar of innate brain gender. Transsexuality and intersexuality are birth defects of body not gender.
Overcoming transsexaulity should be the goal, and you feeling uneasy and ancious is just that, a proof that the end result needs to be where your true self resides. I do not know of that, and perhaps you do not clearly either, but if thoughts of getting back to old male mode do not provoke the angst, then I be concerned too!

However, said all that, a person could be gender fluid, and to define their gender as a specific, one sided entity would then be rather impossible. Scientists do not know if such condition arises due to denial, or it truly exists in nature, but if you one of those folks, then perhaps staying in the middle could feel comfortable.

[stefan37]

Jordie, the only one that can truly answer your questions are you. Nothing in life is guaranteed especially happiness. You may find that transitioning fully will give you an inner peace and contentment for your soul, however you may not be any happier. As I progress through this process I find the steps I take to feel right and provide much comfort to my mental condition. I experience great sadness at times when I think of the loss of loved ones or the pain I know I am inflicting. It is your life and not one individual can say it is wrong to live one way or the other. If you are content with living 95/5 that is your decision. If you are not content, then you also know the answer.

To have fear is normal especially how it relates to employment. There are many members that are in male dominated professions that have transitioned and are thriving in it. I myself own an electrical/mechanical business and although far from full time I present as feminine as I can short of wearing a dress and heels which by the way would be inappropriate attire for the type of work I perform. I haven't lost any of my long term clients and I still get new work I sell. I believe it was FDR that said "we have nothing to fear but fear it self". It is healthy to have fears but we need to face those fears and overcome them. to do anything less will leave us in a state of paralysis unable to help our souls reach the point of contentment that will allow us to thrive.

Melissa I know I am just starting on this journey, but I also felt your comments not offensive in any way but those that come from someone that has experienced many issues those of us still in various stages will encounter. I find them extremely valuable as I find the experiences of many other members.

It is the support, experiences and opinions of the many members here that has given me the strength to proceed as I attempt to find inner peace.

[morgan51]

Jordie; I was given some really good advice at the outset of my transition. " don't do any more than you have to do" Those words from an oldfriend who has already transitioned. I too own my own business a mechanical business. I present as me always. I can't dress in nice clothes b/c I'll ruin them and it wouldn't be safe or modest. At 5 all thast changes and out come my good clothes wig etc. Its just what works for me if I have an office day I'm female. Deliver a bid ,female its not a scharade its just me. Doesn't seem to have hurt work any. Love knowing I'm not guilty or shameful has really helped me accept me. Best to you sis.

[Badtranny]

Melissa I know I am just starting on this journey, but I also felt your comments not offensive in any way but those that come from someone that has experienced many issues those of us still in various stages will encounter. I find them extremely valuable as I find the experiences of many other members.

Hmmm thanks Stef, perhaps I'm just a little gun shy, cuz it seems like so many people are soooooooo sensitive lately.

Though it's not like me to really care about offending people. What's happening to me? !!!!

;-)

[Kathi Lake]

Though it's not like me to really care about offending people. What's happening to me? !!!!Estrogen finally kicking in?

:)

Kathi

[Jordie]

Jordie; " don't do any more than you have to do" Thank you Morgan, those words are indeed smart, I do have only one observation, in order to follow that I need to what is the right thing to do.
Thanks again for your input, it is appreciated!
Have an wonderful day!

~J