Is knowing always black and white?

[Darla]

I've been CDing for many years and now am just coming to grips with my identity. So I find I'm peering into a deep dark place in my psyche and I'm feeling that there may be some inkling that there's more to me than meets the eye. I feel distinctly feminine some days and I'm remembering all sorts of memories where I desperately wished I was a girl.

The big question: did you know definitively you were transsexual or did it take a while? And through therapy?

Thanks
Darla

[kimdl93]

I'll let others who are transsexual respond on their behalf. I would say, speaking as a transgendered person that the awareness comes with knowledge and experience. As a child, I knew something was different, but certainly didn't know what it was or meant. Therapy kght help you clarify your thoughts but it won't answer the question for you.

[Kaz]

Hi Darla,

I cannot claim to be transexual according to various definitions, but like Kim I now realise (have done for a while) that I am transgendered. Yeah I share your thoughts. I look back on my life frequently and realise that I desperately wanted to be a girl from a very young age, and always identified with more girl oriented things. I built all sorts of arguments to rationalise it and now in later life I suspect that if the internet had been around when I was in my teens, early 20s, I would have had a very different life. So I can relate to the TS people and empathise, though I have no experience of going through transition and/or surgery. A very real part of me wishes I was brave enough to do it, but the other half knows that my life is a complex network of relationships and responsibilities that would make this a path I do not wish to take.

You really need to think things through and although in the UK we are not into therapy in the way people are in the States, some help in clarifying things could well be helpful.

Kaz xx

[Rianna Humble]

As the was teh case for the previous posters, I always knew that there was something different but I cannot say that I specifically knew I was transsexual.

In some ways my Gender Dysphoria differed from what many here on the TS forum have experienced because I was unable to marry as I could not conceive of myself as the husband in a marriage with everything that that entails. That does not make me more TS neither does it make me less TS than others. The truth is, I never really accepted myself as a man even when I was in denial.

Even when I joined this site a few years ago, I did not want to accept that I was transsexual, so you could say that I came to it kicking and screaming.

At this point, i would like to say that I don't consider transition to be the only possible course for someone with Gender Dysphoria. In fact I believe that you should not transition unless you have to, because it is only when you are so desperate that you can see no other way out that the potential sacrifices and probable loss of friendships and/or relationships becomes a price worth paying.

I sincerely hope that you can find your equilibrium whether that comes through gender blending, transgenderism or transition.

[Anne2345]

Even when I joined this site . . . , I did not want to accept that I was transsexual, so you could say that I came to it kicking and screaming.

Yep. Funny how that can happen . . . . :straightface:

[Rhonda Ann]

It is funny, as for me anyway, when I started wearing a bra, panties, hoses, makeup, and other fem items all the way to high heels as a young person (I am 58 now) I was in total denial. I denied being transgender till 4 or 5 months ago. I also remember growing up sometimes wishing I was a girl. I have looked resently for support group, CD club, or even just one person I could speak to face to face. In the area I live in, that is hard to find. Finding this site was a huge help to me, it's not a face to face talk or being able to get one person and say "Hey, let get together and go out." It is, a group that can get on the internet and share feelings and ideas and it has made me feel more comfortable with who I am. I love to wear womens clothing and I love when someone comments to or about me as girl or lady. This is who I am, Rhonda Ann. Thanks "Girls"

[Barbara Ella]

I had no idea about anything until 13 months ago. At that time I wore my first feminine clothing. Since then it has been like a series of brick walls falling on me. I easily recognized I was a crossdresser. I pondered long about being transgendered, because I had no recollection of ever wanting to be a girl. i am kicking and screaming, to quote Rianna, right now as go through my dysphoria fights. I recently have begun recalling dreams. I do not remember my dreams. i now am recalling more dreams of being a woman. Did I have ultimate repression? I suspect so, but will never really know. Am I transsexual, i guess not in the traditional sense as expressed by most. Do I fit here, i am not sure, but that is where my awareness has taken me to date. i suppose it is still developing (increasing realization of self). Sounds confusing? Welcome to my world.

Barbara

[Rianna Humble]

The ultimate test of whether you are transsexual does not depend on whether you have memorised the "standard narrative". Luckily the medical profession has moved on from that phoney test. Look at some of the other stories in this forum - many did not really know until after they had children.

What matters is what is happening now. If you are suffering from any amount of Gender Dysphoria then in all likelihood you are Transgender. If that dysphoria is becoming so acute that you need to transition then you are quite probably Transsexual. I cannot say definitively because I am not a medical professional and I do not know you personally.

If you self identify as transsexual (whether or not you need to transition to cope with it) then you fit here.

If you are not sure whether you are transsexual but want to talk to TS folk and maybe find out a bit more about what we are living, then you fit here.

Even if neither of those describes you (and I'm pretty sure one does in your case, Barbara) but you honestly want to know more about transsexuals, then you fit here.

INNSHO, those who don't fit here are the people who want to come here just to spew anti-trans hate speech. Luckily we now have mods for this section who will deal with such people's venom.

[noeleena]

Hi,

Knowing what you are is very importaint, when maybe different for every one, depends on your makeup how your wired what makes you tick. & has nothing at all to how your brought up or your suroundings, its in built. or hard wired .,

As to black & white for get that, you must include all the colours, why, show me two people that are the same. not even twins are, we are all different,

Wishing to be a girl . never happened to me or wishing to be a boy, yet i knew what i was / am, from age 10. did i talk to any one no way. & why, then what for, 19 years ago . I told Jos im a woman our G P & one Pysch & endo, same thing & this is how i ...WILL.... live, yet i did not change because of being intersexed, or as many here say transition , similer in some aspects, ,

Im one of those that comes under a different colour not black or white, the rainbow has 7 colours so im blue & pink. if you understand what im saying itll make sence, if not all im trying to say is we are just different, all of us ,

Only you can know where you are or what you are, you dont ....need .... any one to tell you, you will know you just need to look deep inside of who you are . its there , just find that part of who you are, & then start to ...live...

...noeleena...

[sandra-leigh]

I didn't know I was a cross-dresser until 8 years ago (but by 3 weeks later I was out in public.) It took me several years after that to realize I am transgendered: I went through a lot of self-questioning and trying to "prove" that I was or was not, but I could not rationally decide. Eventually what happened is that between one moment and the next I knew I was transgendered. Not decided, but knew.

Now these days I'm asking myself for evidence that I am or am not transsexual. It would be a relief to know one way or the other.

[ChelseaErtel]

Good question. I had been CDing since I was 6. I had fantasized about having a female body and wearing women's clothing for as long as I can remember. I have always been attracted to women, but at the same time wanted to be them, to have their body. I figured it out on my own and got confirmation from two therapist that I am transsexual. I had an overwhelming sense of relief at that. I am sooooooooooooo comfortable presenting as a woman. I'm typing this in a nice top, sweater and jeans and I feel like "ME". It always feels right when I'm dressed, like I'm finally in my own skin. I've never liked the image in the mirror as a man, but when I'm done with my makeup and wig, I like what I see. It just makes me happy - very hard to explain.

Also, sex was never big for me. I know it was because of being transsexual, inner turmoil, and the pressure of being discovered. I used to be exhausted by the end of the week, but since I have accepted who I am, my energy lever is sky high. I hate my naughty bits. I find them annoying and want them gone, gone, gone. I don't use it except to pee and I ALWAYs sit.

Since I told my wife 13 days ago, even she has noticed feminine movements, actions, and posture. I didn't realize I was doing that, but since I am out to her, I don't worry about looking feminine. I don't have to stop myself because I don't want to be seen as gay. I even walk differently she says. Not overly feminine, but there are under tones. I've always been more comfortable around women, never a man's man, never went out with the guys, I hate sports and I've always been good at colors, decorating,... on and on.

So, for me I am a very compliant person. I have always had an overarching desire to conform. So I did. Married with children, but I'm a raging woman trying to get out. My goal is to transition so I can just go on with my life as a woman. I still love my wife and she love's me but is dealing with the fact that her husband is gone. The father and head of the household (she always wore the pants by the way, just a figure of speech), lover and friend. Well, she still has the friend, and I can still give here intimate love, but that is still all a very hard pill to swallow.

So, I think if I had ever stood back and looked and sought therapy (by today's standards, in my day I'd be in hospital with electrodes attached to my head) I am sure I'd have realized I was a woman.

So, here I am, a middle aged man who inside is a woman who has missed out on all those developmental things that girls go through growing up. Having to just start being a woman, and being natural is going to be impossible but I'll give it a go. Remember, everyone is different. Discover for yourself who you are and I highly recommend a therapist to help you sort this out since you do have doubts.

If it wasn't for my family, my involvement in town politics, I'd go full time and begin transition. So for me there is a balance I have to reach. It's not black and white. So many TS's just say damn the torpedoes and full speed ahead and to hell with everything else. And that's fine for them, but not for me. We all have to fine our own path.

Gook luck hon.

[Aprilrain]

I did not grow up wishing to be "transsexual" I wanted to be a girl especially during sex, all my sexual fantasies were me as a girl with a guy. I didn't "know i was a girl" as some do, to me it seemed like an impossible dream or fantasy so i just tried to make it go away. I "knew" there was something "wrong" with me! I tried drugs and alcohol as a coping mechanism but all that did was prolong the inevitable and wreck my life in the process. The first time I tried accepting myself in sobriety I was 29, married and had a baby. Not a very good time to come out, LOL. After a few months I shoved it all back in the closet and "maned up" it didn't work at 34 I left my wife (we had a really disfuntional relationship) and even though it was not my intention to do so I pretty much started transition immediately. Self acceptance is the hardest part of this whole thing at least it has been for me, I still struggle with it even though I have been at this for 2 years and have had FFS and will be have ing BA on the 29th. I know what I need to do (change my body to match my brain) but that doesnt make it any easier.

[Jana]

I thought about your question for a while. I think KNOWING is black and white... ACCEPTING is what gets in the way and produces so much grief and confusion. At least, that's how it's been for me. I've always known something inside me was different, but chose to ignore, repress and deny it all. Eventually, I could no longer sustain the state of denial and had to face the music. Once I got to that point, I did not see a therapist. I reached most conclusions on my own, by reading and researching. Today I understand I've always been transsexual. Fetichistic crossdressing doesn't do it for me (it never has). I fantasized about developing into a woman during puberty, I have the same desire now. However, knowing that does not make it any easier, and it does not automatically translate into action towards transitioning. Don't know I'm ready for that, don't know that I'll ever be. But that's another story.

[Empress Lainie]

Darla, I always knew I was different from other "men." And I was always more comfortable in the company of women and girls. Example, from grades 1 thru 5 I played with the girls at recess, not the boys. Wasn't allowed in sixth grade. And then that day when a girl I was trying to date invited me to a trans group meeting: That night I reviewed my life,and for the first time realized completely I had always been a female person inside this body. I was 72 then. I will always think of her as my liberator. We are still close friends, but since she was looking for a man, and realized before I did that I was TS, we never did date. I never lived another day as a "man." Within months, I changed my name legally doing the work myself, and my gender marker to F. I remember wanting to be a girl when I was 7, but never realized it was actually possible until I heard about Christine J. Even then I was oblivious. I had small breasts and other female characteristics in this body even then, and started HRT when I was 75, Jan 2011.

[Jorja]

Yes, it is always black and white along with blue, green, yellow, red and any other color you want to add. Being TG/TS is like going into a Ben and Jerry's ice cream shop. There are so many different variations and combinations it makes your head spin. Those of us that know right from the beginning are the lucky ones. We usually can't do much about it until we get out on our own but at least we know. Some don't have a clue until much later in life and they are the ones that feel the true effects of a life denied.

[Nigella]

I always viewed myself as a crossdresser until about 3 years ago. It was actually a post on this forum that listed a number of things that when I added them together made me realise I was more.

Sandra knew well before I did that I was TS but never pushed the issue, she told me after I had found myself. So no, knowing is not black and white, its all the colours of the rainbow, but just to be sure they are all mixed up in a muddy mess, not laid out like the rainbow, neat and pretty

[suzy1]

I always felt there was more to me Darla, but life just got in the way.
All these years and I just thought I was a bit different.
Yes, I did like dressing as a women and it did feel right.

But like so many others that have come here I was helped by this forum to work out who I really am.
This forum has a big fan here. I have made so much progress sorting myself out thanks to this place.
No, I don’t think you need therapy. You just have to find the real you and then go on to find happiness.

Wow!

[ReineD]

The big question: did you know definitively you were transsexual or did it take a while? And through therapy?

It was blurry for my SO too. She got through it by removing any thought that there should be a particular outcome or end goal. In other words, she gave herself permission to not define things either way unless they became crystal clear and instead to go with her daily feelings no matter what they were. Sometimes the pull towards being a woman was intense and she honored this fully, and at other times there was no pull and he honored this too. She still lives this way and she has become comfortable with redefining a gender that fits her to a T and that is unlike society's view of what a woman or a man should be. She has found a way to accomplish this successfully in her life, despite the fact there exists social anxiety when people don't fit into nice, neat little gender boxes.

[KellyJameson]

It is not black or white for me because I am not like any other transsexual I have every met but I am also not like any other person I have ever met but I do know that I'm a person (more or less) and so I'm a transsexual (more or less) for the same reasons.

We learn who we are by having others mirror back to us that which we sense in ourselves to be similar. Men never mirrored back to me "me" but women on occasion did and do, so to experience and learn about me I moved toward those most like me and they were women.

I remember watching a television show when I was about eight with a girl on the show about the same age as me and thinking her calf muscles were ugly and worrying that mine would look that way so I was already identifying with girls at that age by comparing my body to theirs, I subconsciously assumed I was the same as them.

Gender alignment is not a conscious choice and this identity in my opinion also affects sexual expression and I was never comfortable with sex as a male.

Men think differently from me because they are naturally invested in being men and I'm naturally invested in rejecting the very things they are invested in that are used to symbolically represent masculinity because symbolic expressions of masculinity violate my own values that first were shaped by the brain I was born with.

I love men and in many ways prefer their company over women but I just do not want to be one because my brain/mind cannot bend into that shape so no matter how much will power I use it would still be impossible,similar to expecting myself to be able to walk on water.

Among men there is a collective and shared guilt for the sins of men against humanity so many of them reject being men because it violates their humanity, i.e. they feel guilty about being men and you see this conflict that is inside them played out in their behavior.

I have never experienced this guilt because I have never defined myself as belonging to this group.

In my opinion one of the differences between being TS versus CD is the absence of this guilt that comes from identifying with men but it is replaced with body shame instead where you feel ugly but not because others have labelled you ugly but because you have from the violation of being betrayed by the body you live in.

Among those that are TS you will find extreme expressions of vanity in reaction to feeling ugly their whole lives as if you were born vain because very early it is realized that the body is somehow betraying you even before you understand how or why. Beauty becomes very important but beyond the normal reasons it is important to others.

TS guilt and shame are distinctly different than the collective guilt and shame experienced by men as a group and we are more likely to feel guilt and shame that women as a group do.

Think of your body as a vessel that you use to express your very soul, your very essence not only to the world but when you are by yourself and living in it.

In general men and women approach their bodies differently so have different relationships with their bodies where you will see men use their bodies like a piece of equipment and they are very proud of this. Think about how men more than women brag about their scars.

I thought I did this to but men are proud of this where for me it was not pride but indifference because I resented my body for betraying my soul and the more I moved away from the male body the more I fell in love with myself but not as the experience and expression of autophilia but because my body was no longer the enemy that had invaded me like a virus.

Examine closely your relationship to your whole body not just the genitals and do not think in terms of hate but sadness.

Does your body leave a sadness inside of you where your spirit wants to soar but instead you feel you cannot even breath?

For me this was the relationship I had with my body, I could not breath.

[Darla]

All these great replies and so many ways of dealing and discovering. So there's no formula or magic equation that works, eh girls? It would be so helpful if there were a Cosmo type quiz one could take and - bingo! You're transsexual. Or Transgendered, or anything in between. It seems that not surprisingly, there's an intense amount of soul searching, acceptance, mental horse trading and railing against male norms before any answers are given up. I think though that I have to point out that it's this struggle that gives us power, something that is valuable. No one else has these questions pop up in their life, and being "middle gendered" means there's a journey some of us take (willingly or unwillingly) that changes us and our lives. Certain Native American tribes saw the value in this and someday I hope that our society sees this too. Our perspective, and anyone else who deals with this has a unique insight that can challenge so much homogeneity out there.

And although these questions and feelings are so fluid, as our mechanisms for coping with them, the fact remains there's a binary system that we're asked to take sides on. Some of us arrive and just know, some take steps from TS to TG, but society asks us to choose and be polarized in how we present so it's convenient for others (and certainly not for ourselves). I'm going to hazard a guess and say that those who know move forward with FFS and SRS - they have to. There can be no option. Then there's me, wondering if this life will be over before I come to that conclusion. Maybe your SO's method is a good start Reine. One day at a time, see how the wind blows, and find the safe place where one can do that.

Thanks do much for all your replies. You're all so very beautiful!
Darla

[MssHyde]

not to be to blunt, but. " I'm a lesbian trapped in a male body"

to be honest I wanted to be a girl most of my life. I liked experimenting with girly things for as long as I can remember.

my heart ached to feel like a girl (now woman) to be a attractive woman.

the hair, the make up, clothes, perfume, even the primping when a mirror is handy, "it's just me."

[Bree-asaurus]

To throw another opinion into the mix, it depends what you mean by "know."

I "knew" since I was 4 or 5 years old. What did I know? I didn't know it had a name. I heard the name from time to time as I got older, but it wasn't until my early twenties when I started opening up to and accepting my sexuality that I actually put in the effort to finally learn what that name meant. It wasn't until then that I "knew" I was transsexual.

I always knew I felt FEELING #57042-A.
Down the road I heard of the word TRANSSEXUAL.
Waaay too late in life, I learned that the definition of transsexual WAS feeling #57042-A.

And after all of that, after transitioning to the point of being 24/7, I am still learning about my sexuality, LOL.

[elizabethamy]

I just want to speak on behalf of therapy. Perhaps I deserve a medal, or at least a teensy gold star, for keeping my femininity hidden from my own conscious for more than 50 years. I'm either highly skilled at repression or remarkably stupid. But once the floodgates opened, wow. And I'm not sure they would have opened fully, nor would I have been able to cope in any way with what I was learning, without the skilled, measured, kind hand of a really good therapist. She gave me a safe space and time during which I was able to articulate the strange, depressed, weird feelings I had that until then had had no words to describe them. She helped me act physically as elizabethamy, to see myself being myself...some of us, like Suzy, just don't need this kind of help. For me it has been critical, and lifesaving. Of course it's up to me to figure out what to do with what I've learned, but there, too, help and support are needed. Here's what I've learned so far: it's one surprise after another. You can't force realization to occur on your own timetable, whether that means you want to slow it down or speed it up. And when it's time to decide what to do with yourself, you are absolutely 100% terrifyingly alone. Which is why the support and friendship of others -- like those on this forum -- is so important once you've made your decisions. good luck!

elizabethamy

[Marleena]

I think black and white is more common among the younger members.

As a kid I knew I was different from the other boys. None of them acted like me or wanted to wear girls clothes. I was a boy though, I had their parts so how could I ever think I was a girl? I though I was just weird for an awful long time but tried to act like a normal boy. When I hit my twenties I knew I was TS and suffered GID but there was no help then (1970's) so I went on with my guy life until last year when all the GID came back again.

[Bree-asaurus]

I think black and white is more common among the younger members.

As a kid I knew I was different from the other boys. None of them acted like me or wanted to wear girls clothes. I was a boy though, I had their parts so how could I ever think I was a girl? I though I was just weird for an awful long time but tried to act like a normal boy. When I hit my twenties I knew I was TS and suffered GID but there was no help then (1970's) so I went on with my guy life until last year when all the GID came back again.

A lot of times we're suffering from GID and don't even know it.

I was always told I was a depressive person. I never smiled. People always thought I was mad. I thought I was normal. I mean... I knew that I wasn't what I was supposed to be, but I just assumed everyone felt that way and just did a better job of learning how to be awesome compared to me. I also could look at guys and find them attractive and thought that other guys we're just too afraid to admit it. Little did I know it's cuz I WAS attracted to guys... in that sexy, man loving way. And to segway into the repression mentioned above... I was with a boy sexually in middle school and I still seriously convinced myself I was a straight boy. Funny how the mind can just TOTALLY ignore the things it doesn't want to deal with.

[Marleena]

A lot of times we're suffering from GID and don't even know it.

I was always told I was a depressive person. I never smiled. People always thought I was mad.

I can totally relate to this part Bree. I don't have ANY pictures of me smiling in guy mode. I hated taking pictures. I can't relate to the other part because I'm lesbian.lol.

[Darla]

I can totally relate to this part Bree. I don't have ANY pictures of me smiling in guy mode. I hated taking pictures. I can't relate to the other part because I'm lesbian.lol.

I can double relate to this too. I'm a little farther along in life, and used to be a lot more carefree, less angry (another reason for therapy). One might at the dinner table my 5 year old looked at me and said "you're always very serious. Why are you so serious?". It's kind of then that life rips into pieces. How do to explain that the thing that makes me serious and depressed is the thing that would pretty much upend our lives and most likely cause a divorce? Rock and a hard place.

And Bree - that definition of your feelings was a DSM definition? Would make a great T shirt. Maybe spelled in rhinestones on a baby doll.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I can totally relate to this part Bree. I don't have ANY pictures of me smiling in guy mode. I hated taking pictures. I can't relate to the other part because I'm lesbian.lol.


so where is your smile Marleena!!!!

+++++++++++++

btw...to the OP...

It ends up being a black and white thing...

the problem is you have to leap before you look... so the trick is to make small leaps and try to peek around the corners...

for example...10 hours of electrolysis can easily cure you of pink fog...some cd's will go through electrolysis but they are motivated for their own reasons and not questioning who they are...
getting into therapy for 40 hours over 20 weeks will bore you to tears if you are not in need of it..
starting hrt will do things you will hate if you are not ts...

be really honest with yourself..try to gather the data in an analytical way so that you have something to fight off the hugely emotional part of all this...

another thing you must do (and this is difficult to do) is to separate out the dread and fear many ts people as they start to realize what their plight really is...a person realizing they are ts is faced with a mountain of problems...and oftentimes its avoiding that mountain that causes the confusion...some of us look back and can only laugh at the ridiculous excuses we made up because we feared the truth.

[StephanieC]

It has taken most of my life. Remember black and white TV? Did you think you were missing out on color? There was no color TV. But when color TV came out, you probably stopped watching black and white and wondered why it too so long to get color TV.

I think my experience is much like that. I didn't know there were options. I went the way I thought I was supposed to go. But there were things that happened that made me wonder. It took years for me to learn that I was not abnormal.

-stephani

[Kathryn Martin]

I would agree with Kaitelyn. It always turns out to be black and white in the end if you are transsexual. The real question to the answer you are seeking is not so much if you wish to be girl, desperately or not. The question is "am I a girl?" and later "what can I do to heal my mishapen body?".




I've been CDing for many years and now am just coming to grips with my identity. So I find I'm peering into a deep dark place in my psyche and I'm feeling that there may be some inkling that there's more to me than meets the eye. I feel distinctly feminine some days and I'm remembering all sorts of memories where I desperately wished I was a girl.

The big question: did you know definitively you were transsexual or did it take a while? And through therapy?

Thanks
Darla

[sandra-leigh]

starting hrt will do things you will hate if you are not ts...


The part of HRT I dislike is that it doesn't act faster. Guess that's what I get for being TG..

[melissaK]

For me I knew as soon as I learned changing gender was possible, about age 13. Accepting that I have to transition has taken me 45 more years.

[Traci Elizabeth]

Some don't have a clue until much later in life and they are the ones that feel the true effects of a life denied.

WOW! A life denied! How hard that must be to digest. But that also seems like the old comparison of positive vs negative thinking. One could think of it as a "life denied" or rejoice in that you have the "rest of your life" to live as the woman you have always been on the inside.

[Bree-asaurus]

WOW! A life denied! How hard that must be to digest. But that also seems like the old comparison of positive vs negative thinking. One could think of it as a "life denied" or rejoice in that you have the "rest of your life" to live as the woman you have always been on the inside.

To steal from another common saying around here... What's the difference between negative and positive thinking? Two years ;)

[Rianna Humble]

One could think of it as a "life denied" or rejoice in that you have the "rest of your life" to live as the woman you have always been on the inside.

One does not preclude the other. Rejoicing in the fact that you have an indeterminate amount of time ahead of you to express the person you have always been does not preclude mourning for the years of denial.

Part of my life denied includes the good health that I now enjoy since I have ceased to waste my energy fighting my true nature. Am I wrong to feel the impact of that?

[Bree-asaurus]

One does not preclude the other. Rejoicing in the fact that you have an indeterminate amount of time ahead of you to express the person you have always been does not preclude mourning for the years of denial.

Part of my life denied includes the good health that I now enjoy since I have ceased to waste my energy fighting my true nature. Am I wrong to feel the impact of that?

It's not wrong to feel the impact of that at all. The years of suffering we had changed who we are and how we live.

But personally, I'm past dwelling on things I can't change. It's wasted effort and there's much more to look forward to.

[josee]

It's not wrong to feel the impact of that at all. The years of suffering we had changed who we are and how we live.
But personally, I'm past dwelling on things I can't change. It's wasted effort and there's much more to look forward to.

Very good insight Bree. Knew I should be a girl from 4 or 5 years old and it took me until I was 50 to do something about it.

Doesn't do much good to dwell on where I'd be now if only... Besides I have a terrific son who I might not know if I had.

[Darla]

I thInk life has no real substance unless we're trying to reach a higher ground (thanks Stevie Wonder) and its the forward momentum that keeps me sane. Unfortunately, life seems to have thrown me a curveball in the form of "you want what you can't have". But due to modern science, can. I wanted to be a girls as a boy, I want to be a woman as a man. Time spent away from the bustle and agony (with a good dose of therapy) has given me a lot of objective insight. As another poster has said small leaps, which in turn turns into large shifts. Eventually you end up at the black and white, where you knew you'd end up at. Its no more black and white than jumping into a hot tub, you have to live your life one day at a time, taking your time and reflecting, and embrace what comes next. Ease into the reality of the sitch and know that the journey along te way was as much a part of the end.

Darla

[oh hey its anya]

for me this is the $64,000 question, as I begin my journey.

The issue for me resides in the work I had to do for many years to even get to the point to ask these questions in the right way.

For most of my life I had an undiagnosed anxiety disorder, and my life was filled with so much paranoia and shame that even formulating these issues was impossible. My brain chemistry precluded it. Unfortunately as a coping mechanism for many years I was engaged in unhealthy addictive/compulsive behavior--it's still with me, of course, and will never leave me. BUT I am on anti-anxiety meds now and after many years of hard work and therapy and group I'm in a good place in terms of recovery. However, there was no way I was going to really make a sound decision in terms of my gender identity when all this other stuff was going on. Not that I'm 'cured' now, like I said. But I'm finally able to look clearly at myself and accept who I am with CD'ing and, perhaps, that being a lens into who I really want to be, genderwise, in life. Now the real fun begins, lol.