"Too close for Comfort"

[Melody Phillips]

I usually don'y write long posts,but there is always a first time. I had a near-miss with being outed tonight. Luckily I got away unseen. I was attending my Bi-weekly Transgender support group, when I heard our group leader welcome a new member. I glanced back as I was going into the bathroom to change (to fem) and it just happened to be my stepson's best friend. He had just told my stepson about being trans and was about to go full time. I don't believe he saw me and I waited (in the bathroom) for our group to go upstairs and start the meeting, before slipping out. I am so bummed. I feel like crying. This was my outlet for dressing. I can't go back to my meetings anymore. I am only out to my wife,the rest of my family has no idea. My town is small and our group is also. There are no other groups that meet close by. This was perfect for me. I loved it. I will miss the ladies and our special events. Thanks for reading. just needed to vent.

[crazybiker]

Or you could just go back. I'm sure it not easy for a stepson's friend to just come out and want to go full time in a small town, so it seems if you have a similar interest, maybe it won't be so bad.

[AmyGaleRT]

I'm kinda with crazybiker on this one, Melody. Your stepson's friend is also in need of support, and you, being a more experienced member of the group, are in a position to help him, so that's another good argument for going back. If he only knows you through the group, "outing" you to anybody else, including your stepson, is probably a violation of the group's rules.

I'd hate to see you feel you lost such a valuable resource.

- Amy

[docrobbysherry]

Melodyt, think about this: What's the worst that could happen? If it's REALLY BAD, don't go back. But, what if it's NOT so bad?

[Eryn]

Sounds like you need to sit down and have a talkwith your stepson's friend. You certainly have something in common and I'm pretty sure that he'll understand your privacy needs.

[donnatracey]

Sorry to hear that Melody but don't you think your sudden absence will be noticed? Like the others, I think maybe you should re-consider since you seemed to enjoy the gatherings so much.

[Diversity]

I'll throw my two cents in as well. I am in agreement with the others. It may prove to be a good thing for you both, but before I would do anything, I would ask myself if you believe your stepson's best friend can be trusted to be discreet and keep things confidentially between you both. If not, then it may set up a situation where he tells your stepson (perhaps accidentally), since your stepson knows his friend is transgendered. They undoubtedly will talk about this. Any chance your stepson has a similar curiosity? It so this could have the potential to also become a family affair.... Good luck!
Di

[mikiSJ]

I am with Eryn.

I can only imagine the courage it took for the young man to come forward. Since you are already out to the group, screw your courage up a notch and talk to the friend. I doubt there would be any privacy issues with this new friendship and you could end up sharing the experience you are both going through a little less lonely.

Miki

[Beverley Sims]

Talk with your wife first and get her opinion on the subject.
I think she will tell you to make yourself known to the best friend.
You will then have a staunch ally and be able to give each other support.
Maybe your stepson knows about his friend?
I think the outcome can only be good.
Have a long think about the whole situation and then re-visit it.

[Shari]

There is an old saying that refers to cheating on your partner. Never do it with anyone who hasn't at least as much to lose as you do.
Given your situation and your being outed to more than your wife or your group, would have a far greater effect than what your stepson's friend would have to deal with.
Maybe your heart is telling you the right thing. Give it a few days. The answer will come.

[Noel Chimes]

Sounds like it is sit down and clear the air time. Your wife knows about you and your stepson's friend came out. First talk to wife about what happened at the meeting and get her input. Perhaps your wife can sit down with son's friend and find out where this can go. There are several ways this can go and a lot of them positive.

[STACY B]

That would be Irony ,,, The Trans Kid comes out after a life of hell ,, Has a friend who's Dad is Trans an the Kid who knows all to well his Pain would be the one to OUT HIM ? Seems like a long shot to me ,,I really think that the friend would embrace him an support him an keep his secrete until he was able to make a decision . Anyway the Kid is a TS an the son is his friend so you know he the son has an open mind already ,,, So what's the Problem ? Might be scary but I would really give it some thought ,,Maybe losing a good outlet by not going to your support group ? It is for support an he is there ,,I really don't think he would out you if you ask him not too . What would he gain ? He might lose hos friendship with the son just for being mean about it ?

[Jana]

Sorry to hear about that. Have you mentioned this to your wife? What are her thoughts on the matter? Sometimes two heads think better than just one.

[Shelly Preston]

The main thing to think about here is why he was there ?

He was there for support, exactly the same as yourself. Yu may want to ask a member who was there just to understand more about how your latest member fitted in. Remember shock travels both ways.

I know when I attende my first group meeting there was someone from the same town as me which was a surprise. Now we travel together to the meetings :D

[Tina B.]

Melody, regardless of what the others had said, as a closet dresser, I would have done just what you did. The kid is about to go full time, which means telling the world, in his excitement, he might out you without meaning to do you any harm.

[STACY B]

But if your a Closet Dresser you wouldn't go to a Meeting ? RIGHT ?

[Kaz]

You have some good thoughts here to support you Melody. It is a bit of a 'philosophical' dilemma not unlike the famous 'prisoners' dilemma'. Try breaking the problem down...

You want the support group and (at the moment) so does your stepson's best friend.

Your wife knows about your CD but your stepson doesn't.

Your stepson knows about his friend but not about you. Is he accepting of his friend? And how do you know that he knows?

Your main concern seems to be that if the friend finds out about you he will talk and you will be outed... so what are the rules/values of the support group? Do others talk about individual members? If not, then why should he?

He is a young kid looking for support, and you could be a great help to him, especially given the relationship.

Apart from the ongoing danger of being outed to the general community, the biggest issue seems to being potentially outed to your stepson.

I would ask you wife... she is intimately involved in all of this and has a large 'stakeholder' interest.

For me, the worst decision would be the one that upsets her... assuming that this is your key relationship and the one you wish to maintain the most?

[Chickhe]

That's a tough one! It changes the dynamics of the whole thing... bummer.

[ClosetED]

How about having a talk with the leader of the support group and ask that the friend be reminded of the privacy of all must be respected of such a group. Then when you show up, the friend will understand the re-emphasis and would be more likely to keep your secret. Then both of you can attend safely.

[sterling12]

The ABSOLUTE, FIRST, hard and fast, incontrovertible, "cross my heart and hope to die" Rule for ALL Support Groups is: "NEVER, ever, no...not ever, "OUT" another member, to anyone!" Don't care if it's your worst enemy, don't care if this person has destroyed your life, don't care if she's having an affair with one of your loved one's. You DO NOT reveal that person's secret! You protect their Right to privacy. AND, they in turn do the very same thing for you.

Now I am pretty sure that message was given, and emphasized to your acquaintance when she joined. She may be "Out," but not to everybody! She still has her secret's, and it's almost certain she would respect yours.

If you really miss being part of The Group, talk to her privately and make sure she understands your dilemma. I'm sure she will be honorable with you. Gosh, think about it. Don't we owe each other that much? Would you want to wreck someone else's life?

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Stephanie47]

Melody, this is a true case of risks v. rewards. From the description of the event, you go to the meeting en drab and change en femme while there. That suggests to me there are attendees who know your masculine face, if nothing else. That is totally different than knowing who you are by name, address, work relationship, family members. That puts a totally different spin on whether or not you want to be a mentor to him.

Of course, you need to explain the situation to your wife. I would think she had some input as to you attending the support group in the first place. No? Yes? How you traveled to the meeting? En femme? En drab?

There is a trust issue involved with the attendees. You'll never know until it is too late, if he will guard your privacy. As a spouse your first responsibility is to your wife, and, not as a mentor to the young man.

Once the genie is out of the bottle or closet in this case, she cannot be put back in. If you choose not to 'out' yourself to the young man, maybe, there is an alternative. Perhaps, there is another support group requiring an overnight stay. It could work out to a little weekend shopping trip for you and your wife?

[Annaliese]

I think you are missing a opportunity here one to support your Step son friend and have someone that will understand you and if you step son is supportive of his friend then he will be supportive of you also

[JiveTurkeyOnRye]

. Any chance your stepson has a similar curiosity? It so this could have the potential to also become a family affair.... Good luck!

This seems like a huge stretch. Last time I checked being trans* was not contagious so I don't see how there is any possible assumption to be made that her stepson is also of our brood just because his friend is.

I think speaking to your wife about it is definitely something you should do, but I also don't disagree with everyone else who says that your stepson's friend is pretty bound by the laws of a support group to now reveal your secrets, as well she likely understands the aspects of being in the closet as she herself was.

You may also want to discuss with your wife whether it is time to talk with your stepson about your crossdressing. If he is able to deal with the trans identity of his friend and accept her, then he likely is mature enough to know about you as well. Obviously that is a deeply personal decision for you to make, and your wife has the final say there as well, but it's a thought.

[TeresaL]

This whole TG secret life thing has caused grief, shame, and guilt for way too many members of this forum. Sadly, now you are trying to keep your cross-dressing secret from your stepson. Secret's do get found out, although our secret rarely makes the five o'clock news.

You might think about what would happen if he found out? If he is an adult, with a TG friend, he should be capable of understanding, even though being out to him may not be your desired plan. Maybe he already knows or suspects.

Communicating with your wife is the right direction, and will help you make a joint decision. Personally, having someone keep a secret for me, whether my wife or friends, is a heavy cross to bear. In my case, my wife told my three kids twenty years ago. Best thing that ever happened, because they understand, have sudied and learned LGBT issues from other friends and resources, and have become my wife's support group. They love me unconditionally, and they will always look to me as their dad. I'm really blessed to have that situation.

BTW, we didn't inherit this, it was brain mapped before we were born. The odds of your stepson being genetically arranged for being transgender are slim to none. OTOH, Ur Not Alone.

[heatherdress]

Melody - Sorry that I tend to disagree with most of the sentiments already expressed. This is your stepson's best friend, not just a buddy - his best friend. Your instincts have already warned you that you should not risk the possible consequences of unwanted discovery. I think you would also be placing a tremendous amount of additional pressure upon this young person if you were to approach him. Better to take some time and maintain some distance. Maybe he will lose interest. Maybe you will find other venues to dress and find support. Discuss this with your wife and the leader of the support group. Be cautious. Be patient. I do not see any shame but rather care for your family and this young man. Maybe, with time, you will become a mentor for him, but why risk so much right now? Find another group further away. It's worth the drive.

[Lorileah]

What happens tomorrow? You have a little fender bender, you going to quit driving? You stumble downstairs, you going to quit going downstairs? You find out Santa isn't real, you going to not have Christmas? (not saying Santa isn't real..just what if).

Do you see the lack of logic here? Did you really believe that you would never meet someone you knew? Especially if as you say you live is a small town. You are so willing to be miserable because something MIGHT happen. You went for support but yo are not willing to give support. You afraid of your stepson? The same guy whose best friend is TG, finding out?

OK so you join a new group and your uncle shows up one night....new group and your neighbor, new group and your pastor. When do you stop? Someone will find out someday but there is a way that will minimalise the damage you seem to expect ( I have never seen it happen but your mind has built it up so), Own it. It is YOU Own it, take charge, You have the ability to chose coming out before someone else does it to you, Proactive, not Reactive,

Or you could wuss out the rest of your life, worrying about something that won't happen or even if it does it won't be as bad as all the anxiety.

Your choice, hiding behind the cupboard while the rest of the mice feast. Isn't a support group supposed to build you up to accept your self? You don't accept yourself. Maybe not going back is a good thing since you don't seem to be getting any confidence, Maybe you just go fo the cookies. Yeahm better to go back into hiding that seems to work,

[MindyJ]

Hello Melody, Interesting twist in what could be just a hum-drum existance. When I learn the secret CD-handshake, I will let everyone know so we can introduce ourselves to each other in private. Imagine where the writers of TV shows and books could do with this. Stay cool. I would like to say that I would try to talk to the guy/gal. You never know, you may become BFF's.

[Michelle 51]

Hi Melody.....
There is a lot of good advice here but you have to put yourself first.You need to live your life and protect it.This youing person needs suport and is going to the group and will get it regardless of where you fit in .You have everything to lose unless your considering coming out to your family.If you are than start with this young person and let the chips fall where they may but if you need to stay in the closet because of job or family or whatever tread carefully.A couple of beers between friends and loose lips start sharing secrets and your out .Sorry to be negative but it is what it is.

[S. Lisa Smith]

I'm in the be careful, talk to your wife and then the leader of the group camp. I'm sorry that this happened and I hope that this will all work out for you!!