Dating

[angpai30]

I recently was talking to a guy which I really really liked, but is an ass. I talked to him for over a month and was finally going to meet him yesterday. So I shave everything again and go through my routine and am about to slip on the dress I'm going to wear on this date and an hour before he posts a message that says "I want to be straightforward and clear... I am married". Blech, Married? Where's the puke bucket? I don't date married men and he is the third guy that has talked ot me that is MARRIED. Why is it that all I can attract as it seems is married guys?

Angela

[Jana]

What a bummer, Angela. I'm sorry to hear that. You see, it's not you, it's THEM! Men have this pathetic need to reassure themselves all the time, which makes them act like total [insert fav expletive] in general, and around prospective dates particular. It's mean, childish and selfish, to say the least, but it's unfortunately real. So, next time you meet someone interesting, ask about his marital status upfront! Hope you are feeling ok.

[Jorja]

Thems the brakes! That is what you get into when dating. From now on, be straight forward and ask if the person is married right from the start. It can and usually does deteriorate from there. However, there is that 1 in 10,000,000,000 chance that you find the right one :) and it is oh so great when that happens.

[Tamara Croft]

They want their cake and eat it, it's not you Angela, it's them arseholes!!! You need to ask them upfront if they are married, a whole month is such a waste of your time grrr!

[sandra-leigh]

From now on, be straight forward and ask if the person is married right from the start. It can and usually does deteriorate from there.

I hit an odd situation: I never dated my now-SO. She said upfront that she was in a (long-distance) relationship, and I respected that. So we didn't date, we just spent time together as friends. But over time it became harder and harder to keep being just friends, so one day I finally said something -- and it turned out that she had fallen for me as well.

This is not a path I would recommend !! but sometimes things happen. On the other hand I would not have felt comfortable spending as much time with her if she was married.

The flip side of this: when I was much younger, I spent months in the company of a woman, with me thinking that we were dating. When I finally (politely) expressed an interest in taking it to a physical level, it turned out that she was engaged to someone back in her country, and had never thought we were dating. (I'm not clear... it might have been semi-arranged.) I felt quite hurt when I found out, and said some things I should never have said, and that was the end of the friendship. Pretty much 30 years later, I still miss her, and still wish I hadn't said what I did. (Is there a broken-heart smiley? )

[ColleenA]

Angela,
The cynical side of me says being a woman brings with it a variety of downsides . So while I agree with the others who have said, "It's not you; it's them," I have to add, "It's not just you; it is a situation too commonly experienced by women."

Colleen

[Babeba]

Did you meet him online via a profile? Maybe if you write in there that honesty and faithfulness are important to you, and you don't want anyone already married to try it on?

My short forays into online dating let me know this: nobody is the exactly the person they are online. Everyone is at least a little different than they are in person.

[KellyJameson]

For many men relationships are about sex first and foremost and I think this is how nature intended it and often when they are bored or sexually frustrated they start looking for sex outside of the marriage and women are not immune to this behavior either.

Marriage really tests peoples commitment to each other and unfortunately you were caught in someones failure to honor their commitment.

Millions of tears have been shed because of this but you are the lucky one because you are not married to him.

Keep your heart close to you until they have earned it through their words and deeds and do not be afraid to ask questions if they are not offering answers freely.

[Persephone]

One of the GG members of my social group is single following the death of her husband about two years ago and as one of her best friends I live her ups and downs in the dating world with her. So far it has been horrible. I haven't heard of any married ones yet, but there have been more than her share of last minute cancellations on the parts of guys, guys who weren't what they said they were, some who tried to stick her with the bill, you name it.

The best so far, in my mind, is the one who was supposed to meet her at a restaurant for dinner. He showed up late and suggested they do drinks instead. While he went to the restroom the waitress stopped by and said, "Just so you know, he came in and ate dinner about an hour ago."

The dating game sure looks different from this side of the fence!

All I can say is that it seems you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[docrobbysherry]

It isn't that they're "married", Kristen. It's that they r not "happily married". Unfortunately, an all too common condition these days. When they don't get what they need/want at home, they often try to get it elsewhere. And, it's NOT just men doing that these days!

[Michelle.M]

I recently was talking to a guy which I really really liked, but is an ass.

And you kept talking to him and agreed to meet him because . . . ?


Why is it that all I can attract as it seems is married guys?

This is not rocket science.

It's not a question of the men whom you attract, but rather the choices you make. Just don't talk to jerks anymore! And if he's a jerk there's no need to bother with asking if he's married, because you'll simply move on, right?

And odds are his wife thinks he's a jerk, too.

[Traci Elizabeth]

It has nothing to do with you. There are just a lot of "ass holes" married men out there cheating on their wives. Heck look at on most recent CIA director.

[MeganHenry]

Ask more questions sweetie! Clarify, verify and then reverify...

[angpai30]

Thank you everyone for your sound dating advice!! ^^

Angela

[Melissa A.]

Silly girl. Don't you know trans women are required to be grateful for any attention? It's in both the chasers handbook, and the married gay man's denial guide. Exactly who do you think you are Missy, asking for respect or honesty???

I applaud you for not settling. Yay. :-)

Yes, I have been gone a long, long time, for those who remember. I hope all are well!

[Nicole Erin]

And you kept talking to him and agreed to meet him because . . . ?

This is not rocket science.
It's not a question of the men whom you attract, but rather the choices you make. Just don't talk to jerks anymore! And if he's a jerk there's no need to bother with asking if he's married, because you'll simply move on, right?
And odds are his wife thinks he's a jerk, too.

Kristen cannot really know if the guy is a jerk until getting to know him somewhat. It's not something people advertise right away.

The dating scene is kind of a pain especially after about age 25.
Most men are not wanting to commit to anything anyways. Especially men older than about 30. At that point they are dis-illusioned that they can have any woman they want cause well, "men age like wine", right? Not unless they have plenty of cash to go with it.

Don't feel bad for real, cause during even a first date - the woman will clean up to look pretty, smell pretty, wear something nice... and she is lucky if the man bothers even putting on a clean shirt. That and he might have to ask his wife's or mother's permission to go out/have someone over (depending on who he lives with).

[Michelle.M]

Kristen cannot really know if the guy is a jerk until getting to know him somewhat. It's not something people advertise right away.

Really? Apparently it is! See her comment:


I recently was talking to a guy which I really really liked, but is an ass.

Bottom line, she knew enough about him to have reason to pass on this special offer but didn't. We just sabotage our own social lives by dating incompatible (or in this case, substandard) people when we know better.

[Kathryn Martin]

I have such a disconnect between " a guy which I really liked" and "but is an ass". Was that in hindsight or did you know this before you agreed to a date?

Married? I would venture to guess that 75% of men and women going online to hook up are looking for sex and are in committed relationships or married. So you have to expect that especially dating sites are filled with people that are interested to see if the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.

Married? Some people are still married but have been separated sometimes for a long time. I think "living with my wife/husband" is really the issue and even that sometimes does not really describes things absolutely in this economic situation.

I still have to come back to the disconnect. How did you find a jerk attractive? or am I missing something?


I recently was talking to a guy which I really really liked, but is an ass. I talked to him for over a month and was finally going to meet him yesterday. So I shave everything again and go through my routine and am about to slip on the dress I'm going to wear on this date and an hour before he posts a message that says "I want to be straightforward and clear... I am married". Blech, Married? Where's the puke bucket? I don't date married men and he is the third guy that has talked ot me that is MARRIED. Why is it that all I can attract as it seems is married guys?

Angela

[angpai30]

I posted to this thread, but a few of my posts have not shown up. I found out an hour before our date that he was married and the worst part is, is that he is cheating on his wife and that is why I called him an ass. In general he was a real sweetheart and looked past all my baggage and stupidity!! LOL!! But it broke my heart when I found out that he was married because I really thought that he was being genuine in his conversations with me only to find out later that he is still married? What the freak... how could you try something like that with me? I want to slap him and I need a shoulder to cry on. My heart hurts.

Angela

[Raquel June]

Why is it that all I can attract as it seems is married guys?

That sucks, but it could be worse! A married guy cheating on his wife is pretty standard. What's really degrading is when someone acts nice but ends up wanting you to be his dirty secret and doesn't have the balls to take you on a real date. Some men -- and women -- can really make you feel like a novelty/fetish/freak.

[angpai30]

So then my initial question has turned to "Would you date a married individual"? I received a few P.M.'s from this thread stating that they date married men on a non sexual basis, but then for me there would be the guilt of knowing that I dated them and have a potential of ruining their marriage. It is more of an issue of morality for me to date some one unmarried who could support me and want a relationship instead of having me as a squeeze on the side that their spouse doesn't know about. Would it be considered moral to go on a date with a man that's married on a non-sexual basis and become friends?

Angela

[sandra-leigh]

Would it be considered moral to go on a date with a man that's married on a non-sexual basis and become friends?

What does "date" imply to you in circumstances such as those?

I have had coffee or dinner with married people; all it "meant" was talking about common interests, catching up on each others' lives, enjoying the food. I don't consider any of those to be "dating", as there was no intention of forming some kind of partnership or sexual relationship.

[Babeba]

I think it would depend on how married they are... Someone has posted that some marriages are in name only due to divorces or separations taking a long time. Is that the situation? Is there any way to independently verify that, if a potential date claims that is the case?

[Kathryn Martin]

I am not entirely sure how you bring morality into this discussion. Don't forget that he is the one who is married. So either his marriage is on the brink or he is a skank that likes it on the side (but that is entirely my opinion). In another case I once met a man who, as a result of severe medical issues that his wife had had not had sex for years and years and just got to the point where he needed intimacy. Is that immoral? We so often make assumption about things.

Ask him if his wife knows, maybe she does, what then?

Your question about the morality as posed by you raises serious issues about your motivation though. If for instance you have a friend who is married and you have lunch how could that be immoral. If however you were to go on a friendly lunch date with your jerky suitor then I would wonder about what the real motive behind doing this is. do you want to know whether he is "sponge" worthy to use the vernacular of Elaine from Seinfeld? - worthy of a breach of your own morality?

It takes two to tango and as long as you can look in the mirror in the morning maybe external morality factors be damned.

[Jorja]

I guess I am just an old fashioned girl. If he is married, he is off limits. I learned my lesson a long time ago. Now it is one of the first questions I ask. If they lie to me and I find out, I will personally call the wife and let her know he is out cheating on her. In the case Kathryn gives, "as a result of severe medical issues that his wife had had not had sex for years and years and just got to the point where he needed intimacy", arrange for her to meet me in person and give me her permission. I'll consider it then. Unless they are single or divorced, they aren't getting anything more than conversation. There are too many singles out there to even mess with the married ones.

[sandra-leigh]

]but then for me there would be the guilt of knowing that I dated them and have a potential of ruining their marriage.

I for one understand that. I had a youthful indiscretion that contributed to a divorce. It was not a good thing I did.

When I started spending time with my now S.O., she was in a long distance relationship. So I never dated her: I just spent time with her as friends.... falling for her but refusing to say anything or act on it. Until finally the long distance relationship was dead.


I guess I am just an old fashioned girl. If he is married, he is off limits.

To clarify, Jorja, does that include those who are formally separated, living apart, waiting through the required legal period before a standard divorce can be filed? (In Canada, to get a divorce without waiting through 1 year requires a court case to prove circumstances such as bigamy or fraud or abuse; after a year of separation, divorce by mutual consent is a relatively simple process.)

Just asking, as I know people on both sides of that, some feeling that if the marriage is over to that extent, then dating is fair, and others feeling that until the divorce is granted that introducing a third party interferes with the possibility of reconciliation.

[Jorja]

To clarify, Jorja, does that include those who are formally separated, living apart, waiting through the required legal period before a standard divorce can be filed? (In Canada, to get a divorce without waiting through 1 year requires a court case to prove circumstances such as bigamy or fraud or abuse; after a year of separation, divorce by mutual consent is a relatively simple process.)

Just asking, as I know people on both sides of that, some feeling that if the marriage is over to that extent, then dating is fair, and others feeling that until the divorce is granted that introducing a third party interferes with the possibility of reconciliation.

To clarify, Sandra, Yes that include those who are formally separated, living apart, waiting through the required legal period before a standard divorce can be filed. A person is married until ALL legal proceedings are complete. Clear enough? Think what you want but it has not hurt my sexual life in any way for over 30 years. I have more suitors than I can possibly handle with this policy. If they want instant gratification, let them go someplace else and get it.

[Babeba]

I guess I am just an old fashioned girl. If he is married, he is off limits. I learned my lesson a long time ago. Now it is one of the first questions I ask. If they lie to me and I find out, I will personally call the wife and let her know he is out cheating on her. In the case Kathryn gives, "as a result of severe medical issues that his wife had had not had sex for years and years and just got to the point where he needed intimacy", arrange for her to meet me in person and give me her permission. I'll consider it then. Unless they are single or divorced, they aren't getting anything more than conversation. There are too many singles out there to even mess with the married ones.

I'm friends with a couple like that. They're quite satisfied with that arrangement, in fact the wife has veto power over anyone her husband sleeps with.

[Jorja]

I'm friends with a couple like that. They're quite satisfied with that arrangement, in fact the wife has veto power over anyone her husband sleeps with.

I have had one relationship like this. It was quite enjoyable. The wife and I actually became great friends. She would even tell me the little things that turned him on.

[Raquel June]

I have had one relationship like this. It was quite enjoyable. The wife and I actually became great friends. She would even tell me the little things that turned him on.

That sure sounds messed up, though. Unless the wife got in an accident and became a quadriplegic on a ventilator, then she should be trying to be the one to turn him on and he should be OK with that, even if she's not as good at it as she used to be.

I was in a relationship where my girlfriend was much more turned on by the idea of watching me with somebody else than actually being with her, and it was pretty depressing.

[angpai30]

I agree Jorja because I just can't bring myself to even accept an invitation to date from someone whoes married. I

And ick... Kissing frogs? Can I skip this part and jump onto vefting my prince rifht away?!?! =)

Angela

[Jorja]

That sure sounds messed up, though. Unless the wife got in an accident and became a quadriplegic on a ventilator, then she should be trying to be the one to turn him on and he should be OK with that, even if she's not as good at it as she used to be.

I was in a relationship where my girlfriend was much more turned on by the idea of watching me with somebody else than actually being with her, and it was pretty depressing.

With the couple I was involved with, she was in an equestrian accident and paralyzed from the neck down. She wanted her man to have some type of sex life and wanted to know who he was seeing. I got the job so to speak. It was not creepy nor boring at all.

[angpai30]

I guess something like that would be OK if push came to shove and I could see myself doing something like that Jorja!!

Angela

[Traci Elizabeth]

Think what you want but it has not hurt my sexual life in any way for over 30 years. I have more suitors than I can possibly handle with this policy. If they want instant gratification, let them go someplace else and get it.


You have had suitors for over 30 years and no marriage? That seems odd in and of itself. Yes, I know some chose to remain single the rest of their lives.

To others, it seems like some of you are talking "swinging" - no way no how. I would never want to be in a swinging situation. That's just for pure sex and perverted sex. I don't answer that door under any circumstances.

[Jorja]

With the couple I was involved with, she was in an equestrian accident and paralyzed from the neck down. She wanted her man to have some type of sex life and wanted to know who he was seeing. I got the job so to speak. It was not creepy nor boring at all.


You have had suitors for over 30 years and no marriage? That seems odd in and of itself. Yes, I know some chose to remain single the rest of their lives.
To others, it seems like some of you are talking "swinging" - no way no how. I would never want to be in a swinging situation. That's just for pure sex and perverted sex. I don't answer that door under any circumstances.

I was married to a wonderful man for 15 years. He passed away 4 years ago due a heart condition he did not know he had.

I am not now nor have I ever been a swinger. I provided a solution to both a wife and her husband in a time of need.

[Raquel June]

With the couple I was involved with, she was in an equestrian accident and paralyzed from the neck down. She wanted her man to have some type of sex life and wanted to know who he was seeing. I got the job so to speak. It was not creepy nor boring at all.

Whoa. You win. Not creepy or messed up at all.

But if that was a Lifetime movie, I would roll my eyes and say it was too contrived :)

[Jorja]

But if that was a Lifetime movie, I would roll my eyes and say it was too contrived :)

And now you know the difference between Hollywood and real life. :)