Valerie Nova
11-17-2012, 09:00 AM
Like most of us here, I've spent my life trying to better understand myself. I found myself wishing I was girl before I even knew what a transsexual was, and when I learned about them, I figured that I must be in that category. But of course, it wasn't that simple. People have invented a lot of different categories to describe human sexuality, but the longer I've tried to better understand myself, the more I've realized how counterproductive they are to being able to truly know yourself. Categories are a shortcut to understanding, and may be useful in some situations, but they oversimplify extremely complex issues. This can be necessary for simple-minded or intellectually incurious people, but it often leads to things like racism and other forms of discrimination that people have spent ages trying to stamp out.
To truly understand yourself and others, it's necessary to avoid lumping people into categories as much as possible. Sometimes, this can be a little awkward. For instance, instead of describing a guy as gay, say he's sexually attracted to men, or that he enjoys having sex with other men. Remember, these are not the same thing, and the latter two descriptions are much more specific and less prone to assumptions.
Initially, when I was trying to describe my sexuality in terms of categories, I figured I must be transsexual, and maybe bisexual, since I've sort of been attracted to a few different guys, but to nowhere near the extent that I'm attracted to girls. But once I stopped seeking out categories that describe me and just ditched the use of categories almost entirely, I was able to understand myself much better. For instance, I realize now that I'm not exactly transsexual. I'm perhaps right exactly in the middle between female brain and male brain. Depending on my mood, I can swing more one way or the other. When I'm feeling confident and in control of my life, I feel more male. When I'm feeling helpless or controlled, my female side comes out more. I can see things differently "as a woman" or "as a man" and compare the two ways of seeing things depending on how my male or female sides feel about something. Of course, my female side doesn't have an opinion on things like birth control and gender discrimination, because those are things I never had to deal with, but there are plenty of other situations where men and women see things differently. Anyway, I've also realized that although my male side is totally straight, my female side is more bisexual and is attracted to both males and females. I've come to the realization that it's possible for me to feel sexual attraction to a guy, at least on rare occasions, but only if I think about it from a female perspective. Like, in order to feel any degree of sexual attraction to a guy, I first have to think of myself as a girl. Weird, huh? But I suppose it makes sense. Also, I have to express my female side with some regularity, or it starts to intrude on my day-to-day thinking. Like, I'll see women, and start wishing I had her boobs, or her complexion, or her legs. All normal thoughts for women, but really frustrating thoughts to be popping into a guy's head. Expressing my female side usually consists of a degree of dressing up and taking pictures of myself, and doing my makeup. Clothes shopping too, if the occasion warrants it. If I do this enough that it's not as exciting anymore, eventually those female thoughts of longing to be pretty lose some of their intensity. Dressing up isn't an end, or really even the means to an end. It's just the only thing that seems to placate my feminine side so that I can start seeing the world without those frequently-useless female thoughts intruding on my life as much. So, since I enjoy it, and serves some useful outlet for my female side, it's more of a hobby for me. I enjoy assembling outfits, finding great items at thrift stores, and understanding and practicing women's fashion. But I've realized that it's not because I'm really a woman on the inside or anything like that, it's just a part of my personality that I have to deal with in whatever way works for me. As far as my romantic relationships, they've all been pretty good, and with girls a bit younger than myself. I find myself having a similar fashion sense as many girls I know, at least when it comes to women's clothing. When many guys have to give examples of women's clothes they find attractive, they'll often give description reminiscent of strippers or prostitutes, but I always thought that looked trashy. I'm sure I'm not the only guy that thinks this way, but I'm sure less than half do. Once my girlfriend at the time asked what women's clothes I thought were sexy and I gave some response involving cap sleeves and various neck patterns, then mentioned sheath dresses and pencil skirts. She was rather surprised by my answer. Still, I think the fact that I have somewhat of an intuitive understanding of how women think, that many guys don't have, I've never had much trouble understanding girls. Always a good thing. Plus, I intuitively treat my girlfriends as equals, and would be really uncomfortable in any other sort of relationship.
You've probably noticed that this description of myself is far longer than any that would involve assigning me to various categories. And that is the point. This is deliberately about not taking any intellectual shortcuts. You'll notice that in this description of myself, I didn't assign myself to any categories, nor did I try to. And what would be the point? Would there be any use to assigning myself to some category like "transgendered" or "bisexual"? I don't think so, and they're far more liable to cause misunderstandings.
By the way, if you found yourself thinking "genderqueer" when reading my description of my sexuality, you've just proven my point that categories are useless by mentally assigning me to the most useless category of all.
Anyway, I challenge anyone who's interested to try describing or coming to terms with their own sexuality without falling into the trap of assigning themselves to categories. Describe yourself in terms of your thought patterns, likes and dislikes, emotions, etc. Also, I'm not counting "male" and "female" as being categories that you shouldn't try to assign yourself to, because the distinction between the two sexes is the entire basis for human sexuality. So yes, categories like "male" and "female" are appropriate, but these categories aren't human inventions like other categories often used to describe human sexuality.
To truly understand yourself and others, it's necessary to avoid lumping people into categories as much as possible. Sometimes, this can be a little awkward. For instance, instead of describing a guy as gay, say he's sexually attracted to men, or that he enjoys having sex with other men. Remember, these are not the same thing, and the latter two descriptions are much more specific and less prone to assumptions.
Initially, when I was trying to describe my sexuality in terms of categories, I figured I must be transsexual, and maybe bisexual, since I've sort of been attracted to a few different guys, but to nowhere near the extent that I'm attracted to girls. But once I stopped seeking out categories that describe me and just ditched the use of categories almost entirely, I was able to understand myself much better. For instance, I realize now that I'm not exactly transsexual. I'm perhaps right exactly in the middle between female brain and male brain. Depending on my mood, I can swing more one way or the other. When I'm feeling confident and in control of my life, I feel more male. When I'm feeling helpless or controlled, my female side comes out more. I can see things differently "as a woman" or "as a man" and compare the two ways of seeing things depending on how my male or female sides feel about something. Of course, my female side doesn't have an opinion on things like birth control and gender discrimination, because those are things I never had to deal with, but there are plenty of other situations where men and women see things differently. Anyway, I've also realized that although my male side is totally straight, my female side is more bisexual and is attracted to both males and females. I've come to the realization that it's possible for me to feel sexual attraction to a guy, at least on rare occasions, but only if I think about it from a female perspective. Like, in order to feel any degree of sexual attraction to a guy, I first have to think of myself as a girl. Weird, huh? But I suppose it makes sense. Also, I have to express my female side with some regularity, or it starts to intrude on my day-to-day thinking. Like, I'll see women, and start wishing I had her boobs, or her complexion, or her legs. All normal thoughts for women, but really frustrating thoughts to be popping into a guy's head. Expressing my female side usually consists of a degree of dressing up and taking pictures of myself, and doing my makeup. Clothes shopping too, if the occasion warrants it. If I do this enough that it's not as exciting anymore, eventually those female thoughts of longing to be pretty lose some of their intensity. Dressing up isn't an end, or really even the means to an end. It's just the only thing that seems to placate my feminine side so that I can start seeing the world without those frequently-useless female thoughts intruding on my life as much. So, since I enjoy it, and serves some useful outlet for my female side, it's more of a hobby for me. I enjoy assembling outfits, finding great items at thrift stores, and understanding and practicing women's fashion. But I've realized that it's not because I'm really a woman on the inside or anything like that, it's just a part of my personality that I have to deal with in whatever way works for me. As far as my romantic relationships, they've all been pretty good, and with girls a bit younger than myself. I find myself having a similar fashion sense as many girls I know, at least when it comes to women's clothing. When many guys have to give examples of women's clothes they find attractive, they'll often give description reminiscent of strippers or prostitutes, but I always thought that looked trashy. I'm sure I'm not the only guy that thinks this way, but I'm sure less than half do. Once my girlfriend at the time asked what women's clothes I thought were sexy and I gave some response involving cap sleeves and various neck patterns, then mentioned sheath dresses and pencil skirts. She was rather surprised by my answer. Still, I think the fact that I have somewhat of an intuitive understanding of how women think, that many guys don't have, I've never had much trouble understanding girls. Always a good thing. Plus, I intuitively treat my girlfriends as equals, and would be really uncomfortable in any other sort of relationship.
You've probably noticed that this description of myself is far longer than any that would involve assigning me to various categories. And that is the point. This is deliberately about not taking any intellectual shortcuts. You'll notice that in this description of myself, I didn't assign myself to any categories, nor did I try to. And what would be the point? Would there be any use to assigning myself to some category like "transgendered" or "bisexual"? I don't think so, and they're far more liable to cause misunderstandings.
By the way, if you found yourself thinking "genderqueer" when reading my description of my sexuality, you've just proven my point that categories are useless by mentally assigning me to the most useless category of all.
Anyway, I challenge anyone who's interested to try describing or coming to terms with their own sexuality without falling into the trap of assigning themselves to categories. Describe yourself in terms of your thought patterns, likes and dislikes, emotions, etc. Also, I'm not counting "male" and "female" as being categories that you shouldn't try to assign yourself to, because the distinction between the two sexes is the entire basis for human sexuality. So yes, categories like "male" and "female" are appropriate, but these categories aren't human inventions like other categories often used to describe human sexuality.