Roots

[Nigella]

This topic was highlighted as I was responding to something. I consider myself to be forutunate, why may you ask?

My acceptance of being transexual came after the putting together all the pieces of who I was, all the little clues and then the realisation that I was not a crossdresser, everything that I had done and was doing pointed to me being transexual, a light bulb moment.

Up to that point I led my life as I saw fit, dealing with things as and when with not a care in the world regarding my gender. For me my roots were, and to a certain extent still are in crossdressing in that I can understand some of the "anquish" a crossdresser feels. I never had that feeling of being the wrong gender until much later in life.

Having said all that, I cannot begin to fully understand the anquish a "lifetime" transexual felt growing up in the wrong body.

How's about those who wish to, share some of their trials and tribulations they have faced in their journey to correct natures mistakes.

There is no right or wrong to this, just a way of expressing the differences that exist even within the TS community.

[Traci Elizabeth]

WOW! That is a difficult task. For many such as myself who has known since early childhood, my journey has involved a lot of abuse: physical, mental, and sexual. It was not until one of my Psychiatrists made this statement to me that I was able to move forward with my transition: "Traci you did not become a transsexual because you were abused. You were abused because you were transsexual." As simple as those words were, it was an epiphany for me.

From that moment on, I gave myself the emotional green light to start my physical transformation journey to be "whole, complete, and congruent.

[KimberlyAU]

Nigella.


Your explanation of your story is so similar to mine. My light bulb moment was just a few days ago. Seems dare I say "typical' of someone my age

Group Four: Moderate Intensity Transsexual
Gender Identity: Feel female but able to supress until age 30-50. Increasing dichotomy with age. I am 51 and this fits
Gender Role: Try macho lifestyle to compensate. Increasing depression and anxiety over time. Never comfortable as males.
Eroticism: Genital if fantasizing self as female. Low libido.
Biological feminization: Requested late or intermittent.
Conflicts: Guilt, loss + fear of passing. Fear of rejection. Confused sexual orientation.

[morgan51]

Traci; I can so relate to your post I knew when I was 4 I needed to transition told my parents as much and was chastized for the rest of my childhood for it. My therapist helped me as well She said the same thing I'm not guilty of anything and don't need anyones permission to be me! The abuse is on them and continues today. I have to just stay away they are poison. I too have the emotional green light. Well said. M.

[melissaK]

Gosh Nigella.

At age 4 or 5 I got in trouble because me and the neighbor girl raided her mom's make-up and did each others faces. I was sooo happy but my granddads face when he saw me told me I had screwed up big time. But at age 4 or 5, you have no names for anything like crossdresser of transgender, you barely known boys and girls.

At age 9-10 (third grade) ALL my friends were the girls. Hopscotch, jump rope, passing notes, filing our nails, was my life. Until teachers banned me from playing with the girls anymore. It was a REALLY bad day in my life. But again, I didn't yet understand gender roles were determined by what was between my legs, and not something I was free to decide.

At age 13 I saw Christine Jorgenson's 1967 autobiography in a paper back on a revolving book rack at the local drugstore. I read the book jacket - she had been a man and had become a woman! OMG! I KNEW right then and there that was me, that's what I wanted. But I was confused, Christine liked men, I knew I didn't like men. I was confused. Then I also heard my classmates making fun - all of them. I put my grandpa, my teachers and my classmates messages together and went underground with my feelings. I've been a mental head case ever since. Smart, but a head case none the less.

At about age 23, now a full fledged head case with dissociative issues trashing my emotional self understanding, I was wearing girl jeans, girl t shirts and had 2' long hair, and a mustache. Any rock bad woulda claimed me if I had any musical ability at all. So at some party I met my first lesbian couple. They were fighting. The big tall dyke lesbian came over to me, put her arm around me and gave me a big squeeze and said, "you know, I could almost go for a "guy" like you" . . .. I melted. Seriously. I knew that's what I wanted, to be in a lesbian relationship. But her girlfriend who was looking at me with daggers made it clear she was off limits. So, I never said a word to anyone about how I felt.

So, lots of repression, denial, and dissociative behavior and I stumbled into a 14 year marriage playing the guy role. After divorceing, my ex came out as of all things, a lesbian. :doh:

So, being the head case slow learner, I am in my 3rd marriage, going on 20 years now. A wonderful wife, who knew I had gender issues going in.

But "coming out" TS is a life shaking event for all of us. And thats were I am. Trying to do this gently.

Thanks for the lead in Nigella.