Feeling Guilty

[Melissa.Lynn88]

Hi everyone, I've been a member here for a little over a year but have never posted in the section before. Over the course of that year I went from being deeply in denial and trying to convince myself that I was CD to finally admitting that there was more to all this. I've recently began seeing a therapist and pretty much right away acknowledged that I felt like I should have been female my whole life. Since I've began seeing her its becoming more and more clear that transitioning lies ahead of me. For me this has led to bit of an internal conflict that has been going on since I first came to terms that all this might be a possibility. On the one hand I'm happy to know that in the long run I'm going to do what is right for me and eventually be able to be happy with myself and be comfortable in my own body.

But the other side is this enormous feeling of guilt. I feel like I'm going to be letting a lot of people down and disappointing them that I'm not who the person they've thought I was or I was expected to be. It makes me feel like what I'm doing and feeling is wrong even though I know it's something I can't help. Have any of you ever felt like this and if you have how have dealt with it? Any advice would be much appreciated.

[kimdl93]

You aren't letting anyone down by being yourself. It's not wrong because some people don't understand.

[Kirsty_D]

You are not letting anyone down, however, you will find out very quickly who your true friends are.

As someone who started to transition earlier this year the only people I've lost is my mother and brother, my wife, wife's family, my co-workers and my friends all support me in making what is an extremely hard decision.

My mother will eventually come round, my bother and I never had much in common anyhow.

The most important thing is your quality of life and mental well being, having said that though, the old saying stands, Do not transition unless you have to!
There is a lot of fantastic girls here who will give you the best advice and ask you some hard questions, sometimes it seems harsh but this is a live changing decision and one which you can rarely step back from. Once you stand up and say "I'm transsexual" the whole world will judge you differently, but with the support here and a gender therapist it's all possible and you will emerge out the other side a stronger person.

[Traci Elizabeth]

Guilt! That's a word we all know far too well. I doubt there is a woman among us who has not felt guilt over being in the wrong body.

I think in some ways "guilt" is a good thing in that it keeps us grounded and makes us consider each step more carefully. But with time guilt fades which it must for us to live totally happy lives as we walk our journey.

Don't try to deny the guilt but at the same time don't let it define you or overcome you.

[Jana]

Melissa, I can totally relate to your post. Guilt, denial, confusion... these feelings are all too familiar. All I can say is that it gets better with time. With the help of therapy and also interaction with members of the community you'll see that there's no shame or guilt in going after your true identity. You are not letting anybody down. Plus, what's the alternative? To live a life of self-deceit just to please everyone else, but yourself? Not good. So, hang in there and good luck with your journey. I hope you know you are not alone!

[Pamela Kay]

Hi Melissa, I spent most of my life trying to make family and friends happy and not disappoint them then when the time came that I needed the same from them they weren't there.

I've been full time for about a month and a half now and out for longer than that. I can tell you that I have lost family and friends but I have also gained support from family that I wasn't that close with before and have more friends now that really support me than I had before.

There comes a time when you have to do what's best for you. If family and friends really love you for you, then they will still be there and want to know the real you.

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Melissa,

I would be surprised if any of us has escaped that guilt, but for me it is important to see it for what it really is - the last hurrah of the denial that seeks to prevent you from living your true life.

I asked myself a very similar question, but decided that I would have let those people down much more if I had taken the only alternative to transition which remained for me - suicide. At least this way, I am still there to help those people who were disappointed to learn that they didn't know me as well as they thought.

I was worried about the effect on some of those around me, but they have rallied around and expressed their support even whilst admitting (in some cases) that they do not understand.

To me, the way that you express this conflict is an indication of just what a nice person you really are, please don't let the guilt trip get you down.

[noeleena]

Hi,

Letting others down , I never saw it that way, Had i been able to explain myself 55 years ago, I would have to say how i was percived would be maybe how people wonted to see me yet would they have really seen past how a person looks, dought it, very much, . well i have friends going back 55 years & others not quite as long only a few less than that, yet they have accepted with out dought what i am, i did not have to convince any of them .

They know me as a person first & 2 nd as a woman, theres no but ,,,but,,,, or not you cant be your a b........ none of that .

This is about who i am or if you like noel to noeleena... they see past the outer side of me thats why , they accept .

For a few its taken time & is still takeing time , & theres no time limit nore will there be, if im called noel or no-el ..so.

its not made any difference, in my or thier case, how can you let some one down being who you are, the real person is the one thats accepted, & for who you are,

...noeleena...

[morgan51]

I can only speak for me. I felt guilt and shame over being ts for many years . That kept me from presenting as my true self and assured I'd be miserable. Pamela said it best I've experienced loss and rejection from family and friends but continue to be hopeful they will come around. The ball is truly in thier court now as I'm fully out to all. I have found support in unexpected places and from people I never thought posible and for that I am greatfull. I have learned to give others time to "sit" with the disclosure and think about it. Time makes a big difference for a few. I've been sitting with this all my life , the people I tell today haven't had any time to digest it. I owe them at least that. You are not guilty or shamefull for being you!

[ColleenA]

But the other side is this enormous feeling of guilt. I feel like I'm going to be letting a lot of people down and disappointing them that I'm not who the person they've thought I was or I was expected to be. It makes me feel like what I'm doing and feeling is wrong even though I know it's something I can't help. Have any of you ever felt like this and if you have how have dealt with it? Any advice would be much appreciated.

For too many people, it takes a long time to come to this realization: You can't live your life worrying about what other people expect of you or how they will judge you.

I'm not saying that is license to do anything you please without considering others, Melissa. But it does mean that it is more important to be honest about who you are and to be true to yourself than to live for the expectations of almost everyone else.

"Almost everyone else?" Yes, I do make one exception.

It's not your parents. Yes, they gave you life, so there is a great deal due them for that - respect, gratitude, love. But you should not be a slave to their expectations for you. Rather, you should honor the life they gave you by going out and living your life to the utmost.

It's not your children. What you owe them is to be a great parent. While there tend to be differences in how moms and dads do parent, there is nothing outside of breastfeeding that is an exclusively male or female trait re: parenting. When I was married, my wife was an immature and insecure person. She did not bond well with our kids, and I was the more involved, caring parent. This was expressed outwardly when they were teens and she moved 1,000 miles away. They were all living with me at the time and stayed with me. But the situation had been there all along.

So, who could be higher on the list of people you would be letting down?
Siblings? Grandparents? Family extended further out?
Nope. Nope. Nope.

Friends? Nope, no matter how close.

Boss or co-workers? Oh, please!

The only exception then would be a spouse. (I won't even say significant other or domestic partner because the commitment level to them is intentionally less than in marriage, though some might argue otherwise.)

Your spouse is someone you made a number of promises (implicit as well as explicit) to when you got married. That is not something to be taken lightly - but there are of plenty of threads here where you can see people agonize over this very thing, so I won't dwell on it here.

Besides, your profile doesn't say anything about being married. If you're not, I'd guess it's in part because you're from a generation where TG people have had the opportunity to confront their issues earlier and more directly. Most of us who grew up in the '60s, '70s, and even '80s had three choices about how to handle such feelings: deny, hide, or mask. And to mask such feelings, many resorted to "proving" their masculinity by getting married and/or getting into macho careers, such as military or police. I am hoping such is not the case for you.

So live life on your terms, girl.

May peace and happiness be yours,
Colleen

[Rianna Humble]

Most of us who grew up in the '60s, '70s, and even '80s had three choices about how to handle such feelings: deny, hide, or mask.

I grew up (to an extent) in the 60s and early 70s and I took all 3 of those choices, but fortunately for me it didn't lead me to get married as a man - a concept that was totally alien to me.

[Kate Simmons]

Of course we feel it Hon whether we end up transitioning or not but we learn to get past it. You have every right to be who you are and have the freedom to be. This is one reason myself and many others on here fought for this great country to ensure that. Hold your head up and move forward and never look back. Your true friends and loved ones will always support you Hon, no matter what.:)

[DeeDee1974]

Once you get everything out on the open you can get past the guilt and really start living. There's a whole new world waiting for you. You'll be surprised by the amount of people in your life who love you and accept you. You while find new people who are in your same position or people who are caring and want to accept you into their lives.

It seems scary, but the worst part is the holding back and imagining negatives that may not even exist.

[Gerrijerry]

So many here can relate to what you are saying. I total understand and what has already been said covers your feelings. Seeing a therapist is very important to get thru all the feelings. Don't stop going until you truly feel you know what you path will be. As for family and friends. understanding and excepting will be a very difficult thing for each person. They will have there own feelings about you and may or may not accept you. Please try to remember on this type of issue you have to be selfish and do what is correct for you. I personally went into deep depression before I followed the path that was correct for me. I found out that my wife supported me and family for the most part and most friends also. The most important thing that happened was I wake up each day happy being me.

[Melissa.Lynn88]

Thanks for the input everyone. It's nice to hear that I'm not the only one to have this feeling. I know in the long run I have to live for myself first. I'm not doing anyone any favors if I'm miserable. It's just really hard to break the mentality of trying to please everyone. This is especially true of my parents. My whole life I've tried to be perfect and not disappoint them. They honestly are the only one's at this point who I care about in this whole situation. I feel like somehow me being who I am is going to let them down and that I'm not going to make them proud.

[ColleenA]

... my parents ... They honestly are the only ones at this point who I care about in this whole situation. I feel like somehow me being who I am is going to let them down and that I'm not going to make them proud.

Though it seems most pronounced during our teenage years, the paradox for just about everyone is resolving the conflict between how our parents want us to turn out and how we are determined to turn out.



I know in the long run I have to live for myself first. I'm not doing anyone any favors if I'm miserable.

And do realize, Melissa, that when you say "anyone," that includes you. :)

Colleen

[Diversity]

Hi Melissa,
I have not had to deal with this issue, but being objective, I can say that your first priority is to yourself. You need to take care of you! Your friends will understand and accept you. Those that don't - well why bother? I want to wish you good luck in your transition, and will send my thoughts and prayers your way.
Di

[melissaK]

Melissa sweetie, winning parental approval is a driving force for many of us. But you're all grown up now.

Your parents gave you the genes they gave you and they had no choice in it. When they conceived you, they promised to love the child they were conceiving regardless of the genetic combination they created. If you grow up, aren't in jail, become self-sufficient, still love them and honor the good deeds they managed to do in their lives, then you've already upheld your end of the parent-child relationship.

Most people need some time to learn about the true nature of cross-genderedness, and to learn it's not a "free-will" choice for us. If our parents, siblings, spouses or friends never give themselves permission to learn the true nature of crossgenderedness, and they hold it against us, it's not our fault.

Now, if you learn the true nature about yourself, and afterwards you lie to others about yourself, then "Lucy, you've got some 'splainin to do!"

Even then, the only one who should really care about being lied to about your sexual presentation would be a spouse who wanted and expected a particular type of sexual performance as part of the deal. Then, you really lied about what you could deliver and the guilt shoe might fit and you oughta feel bad about yourself. (Note: if you find out about yourself during a marriage, it's just that you both were mistaken about facts when you got married, and no guilt applies.)

This is all of course just my humble opinions.

[Jorja]

First, I think you need to understand why you have these feelings of guilt and fear of disappointment. From day one, we are judged by our external sex organs. As you pop out, the doctor will say, it’s a boy or a girl! From that moment on, we are expected to conform to what society says a male or female should be. You are conditioned from that very first appearance into this world.

To this point, you have years of this conditioning. Boys don’t cry. My boy is going to be the star of the football team! No, little girls wear dresses, not boys! Boys play with cars and trucks, girls play with dolls! It goes on and on. Guess what? Nobody asked us how we felt about being a boy or girl. If we tried to tell them on our own, they would just laugh at us or scold us. They would hope it is just a phase. As we get older the scolds come more often and sharper. Even to the point of physical, verbal, and emotional abuse.

As for the disappointment, once again mom and dad have big plans for you. My boy is going to be a doctor. My daughter is going to be a lawyer (enter your own occupation). The problem is, you want to be a street sweeper. They are disappointed in you. You are not living up to your ability. You are throwing away your life……. Yada, yada, yada.

So the day comes we turn 21 years old and become legal and responsible for our own actions. We muster up the courage to tell our family and friends we are going to transition to a female/male. In most families it goes over like a lead balloon. Your parents will naturally follow the long-established patterns of dealing with you saying no, scolding, or threatening punishment. These first reactions could even extend to vowing to cut you out of their will, or threatening to withdraw their love in some way. However, if you are prepared for the worst, then these threats will not work. You are standing on your own feet. No matter what the cost, you will have made a major step toward being in control of your life and yourself. When they realize that they can no longer control your life, they will most often relent and accept you as you are. It may take them a little while to come to terms with the changes in your relationship. Give them all the time they need. Remember that you needed time to be able to gain the courage to confront the issue yourself. Offer them time to think about it. When they are ready and willing to discuss the issue further, be available to do so.

Many parents go through a grieving process for the relationship that they are losing. Your parents may find it very hard to accept the change. They've been used to the old ways longer than you have. They may greet the news with silence, a form of denial, or may simply decline to talk about it any further. On the other hand, your folks may surprise you and be far more receptive and supportive than you expect. There are those rare parents who have built their parent/child relationship on unconditional love (we'll love you no matter what), rather than conditional love (we'll love you if you live up to our expectations).

You should be aware of the possibility that your parents may not be in total control of their own lives or selves. Your parents may fear what the neighbors, relatives, and friends will think of them because of your situation. Your parents may need to build their own self-esteem and take control of their own lives, just as you've had to do with yours.

Keep your options open. Few parents are willing to lose contact with their children, and in time they will come around to accepting the changes in you and the changes in your relationship with them. Remember, change is always difficult, particularly where emotions are involved. It requires giving up familiar ways of doing things. Even if the old ways didn't work and weren't honest, they were comfortable, like an old pair of slippers. You may have a twinge of sadness at throwing away these "old slippers". But the old ways must go, to make way for new ones. Sometimes, the scary part is that you may not know what the new ways of relating to your parents are yet, and since you know the old ways so well, it may feel safer and less risky to keep them.

Once an open dialog is started with parents, it is easy to keep it that way. The benefits can be enormous. You can begin to relate to each other as real human beings. You learn new things about each other and you may find a depth of love and feeling that you never knew was there.

Transition is not a game or some wild hair brained idea. It is a serious life changing, life saving situation. Do Not Do It if you do not need to. You have to be prepared at this point to lose everything and everybody in your life. If you want, you can try to win them back at a later time but now it is all about you fixing yourself. If you cannot cope with these losses, transition may not be the correct path you.

You have to do what is best for you. Use your therapist and support system to help get you through the rough times.

[melissaK]

Hey MelissaLynn, I think Jorja's last post is one of the best overall statements of parent/trans child issues I've ever read. (We really ought to ask Nigella to consider making a sticky note archive for it.).

I dont want to hi-jack this thread into a different topic, but my only "trivial" quarrel with Jorjas post is her disclaimer at the end, "don't transition unless you need to." That disclaimer is too short and sweet and the subject of knowing when you need to transition is far more complicated. I didn't have enough sense to know "when" to stop resisting and to proceed with transitioning and I paid a huge price for it in the inevitable break-down. I know Jorja knows that knowing when you need to transition is complex and personal, (she's a veteran with all the transgender issues) and I suspect she was just tacking on some cautionary closing comments.

Oh I guess there's a second topic too. You're on your own at 18, not 21. I doubt any of us really belong out on our own until all prefrontal cortex growth stops, ages 21-25, but US law says otherwise at present.

[Jorja]

I dont want to hi-jack this thread into a different topic, but my only "trivial" quarrel with Jorjas post is her disclaimer at the end, "don't transition unless you need to." That disclaimer is too short and sweet and the subject of knowing when you need to transition is far more complicated.

Oh I guess there's a second topic too. You're on your own at 18, not 21. I doubt any of us really belong out on our own until all prefrontal cortex growth stops, ages 21-25, but US law says otherwise at present.

Yes, my statement about “Do Not transition unless you need to” is to short and sweet. There are many things that need to go into that decision and me not being a thearpist, cannot give proper advice. I feel that with help from your thearpist and the level of GID you have should be what is important here.

This being an international forum, I do not know the laws in every country. I chose 21 because a person is usually considered on their own at 21 through out the world.

[Rianna Humble]

I have to support Jorja's point. Transition is not something to be undertaken lightly.

If you can handle the Gender Dysphoria without going through all the grief of transition, do so.

If you are not prepared to face the potential loss of everything and everyone, including losing your parents' esteem, then don't just think twice but think five, six or seven times about whether transition is right for you at this point in your life. In the long run, you might not lose everybody and everything, but you need to be prepared to face this loss in case it happens.

If you can find balance in your life without transition at this moment, then that is the best thing to do. You will know when you have to transition, that is when it will be the right time for you to transition. As I have said before "don't transition unless you need to, but if you do need to transition then don't let anything hold you back"

[I Am Paula]

Guilt and denial over feeling like I was living a lie, to myself, and my friends and family, led me down a very self distructive path, alcoholism being the worst. I tried so hard to be a guy, I wore plaid, I tried sports, I tried being a macho asshole, all of which just furthered my depression, and caused a catch-22 downward spiral. With the help of councilling I discovered that the ONLY solution to it all was to give in to my feelings, and let Celeste out. The guilt was actually killing me. Please Melissa, follow a path that makes you happy and complete first. Those who choose to support you are the ones that you need to cling to, and those that don't may have to fall by the wayside, no matter how hard that seems. -Celeste

[melissaK]

Rianna, I wish it was so easy to "know" when transitioning is necessary. Too many of us, including myself, knew we are TS but we put off deciding the time to transition is now, and we ran into major mental health complications in the form of suicide attempts, disabling depression, complete emotional breakdowns, and in my case severe dissociation.

All of this is because we don't recognize when we "have" to transition. Nobody should have to go through these events just to know they "have" to start transitioning.

IMHO anyone who thinks they might be TS needs to work at being very self aware and verify they are TS with help of a professional, and to then work at accepting the fact transition in some fashion is likely inevitable. The idea they will "know" all by themselves will not apply in all cases.

[Rianna Humble]

Neither Jorja nor I said or even implied that you have to know all by yourself. On more than one occasion each of us has recommended to someone that they seek professional help from a therapist with a good reputation for helping people with gender dysphoria.

The fact is that you will know when the time is right because you will be prepared to give up everything you ever had, everyone you ever loved and every prospect of a bright future you ever promised yourself for that one goal of aligning your reality to the truth of who you are.

Transition is not a fashionable thing to do, nor is it something to be undertaken on a whim - which is why Charles Kane failed.

I am certainly not about to get into a competition to see whose depression was worse, but as long as anything/person matters to you more than the end point of transition then you need to look to that person or thing. For that period of time, you (generic you not specific you) should not transition because your need is to look after the person or thing that is more important than your own transition.

I admire TS folk who can find balance and who can keep their Gender Dysphoria under sufficient control to carry on whilst putting another person's needs above their own.

[Melissa.Lynn88]

Jorja, I really appreciate your response. A lot of what you said describes how my relationship has been with my parents. I have thought long and hard about all the possible outcomes that could come with this, including losing them all together. It's been hard to accept that possibility but I know I'm ready to face it if need be. However, like you said most parents won't want to lose contact with their children. I know my parents love me and will likely continue to do so. The hardest part for me I think is going to be the adjustment period with them. It will be a grieving process like you said because what we've been use to and comfortable with will be gone. That right there is really what is difficult on me because I hate seeing my parents upset and whats harder is knowing my situation is what caused them to be upset.

But I honestly know this is something I have to deal with. I know transitioning is not something to be taken lightly. But I've given this a lot of thought and put myself through a lot of mental anguish trying to convince myself I wasn't TS. I know that's not the case though, at this point in my life I see transition as an inevitability. If it didn't happen now and I tried to suppress it more, I know years down the road it will just become an issue again and then I have to deal with the depression of knowing I've wasted more of my life. I just can't do that to myself and that's why I know ultimately this is the right decision.

[melissaK]

Well said Rianna. You and Jorja are two of the sites best, most consistent contributors. My comments are truly meant only as small contributions and clarifications and I hope no one took my comments as criticizing the good content of both your posts. I cut and pasted Jorja's post into my own reference directory because I liked it that much. :)

[StephanieC]

I don't know if I've felt guilt. I am aware that my realization may have changed whereas others see me as I was and assumed I would always be. For me, perhaps, "duty" was a more apt description.

Another word I've only recently begun to explore: "happiness". Last year was the first time I had heard (from my therapist) that I had a right to be happy and I should not let the feeling of others deter me from seeking "happiness". Until then, I assumed "happiness" was something that may or may not happen in fleeting moments.

I'm glad to see you've begun to post. Sharing to help you discover yourself and decide your path.

Good luck

-stephani