Sisters, please help with my dilemma !

[linda.wai]

I'm in my 40s and I used to pass well in public.
I refrain from dressing en femme for most of the time as this is incompatible with my career and my family. PReviously, I only dress 1-2 times a year and mostly in a rented hotel room.
Yet, for the past 3 years, I had overseas holidays alone when I spent 4-5 days entirely en femme and it was wonderful. Then, my wife found out and I don't think I'll be able to do that any more. After the discovery, my urge to CD all but die down now. I just feel bad thinking about it.
Furthermore, as an Asian, I believe crossdressing brings me bad luck.

Therefore, in order to stop the bad luck and to lessen the urges to cross dress, I am thinking of discarding 2 suitcases of nice clothes, wigs, silicone forms, makeup, lingerie and shoes. Without these, I'm confident my luck will improve and I'll not be thnking of going on vacation soon. Yet, they are not stuff that are easy to obtain.

What's the advice you have for me? To discard or to keep?

[vikki2020]

You know the answer yourself! If you toss them out, you will just have to replace them eventually-maybe just put them away--in a storage rental, that is not that easy to get to. Then, sleep on it!

[Lorileah]

I did not know that crossdressing was bad luck. I had heard that transgendered people were looked up to and revered in some areas of the far east. I will have to say though that your own feelings of guilt are your biggest hurdle.

As far as purging, the standard answer is going to be, don't. Two very good reasons,you spent a lot of money on what you have. Why waste it? and two, you know you will do it all again. File it away if needed. But don't make yourself any more miserable. Life to too short to be miserable.

[MssHyde]

go with whats in your heart, I have purged in the past too. never could replace what I lost.

I have a room full of girly stuff, it make me feel better having around. I try not to have it the closest things on the racks.
(for my wifes sake) she puts up with it, and askes me how I would feel if she wanted to be a guy. " I tell her why would anyone want to be a guy" their clothes suck, you really can't dress up much. she seems to understand that.

[JenniferR771]

Rent a storage unit about 100 Km away. Not easy to access, not really a temptation...and still...if the need arises, you have access for those times when the urge becomes overwhelming, or perhaps tension or nervous conditions require a quiet femmy interlude.

[Ann Thomas]

The storage idea is a good one, and I would follow that advice if I were you. But, I do not agree with you thoughts about Luck. I think your luck would inprove if you were to accept and embrace your feminine side. I have had the privilege in the last few months to go out in public with crossdressers who were going out in the public for their very first time. More than one have decided to go full time, or far more than before, and their lives have blossomed, like a flower opening up to the sun. They feel more complete, whole, satisfied, and happy. I think the same would happen for you if that could work with your life.

Hugs,
Ann

[Maria in heels]

hopefully things will work out at home...being Asian as well, things most likely will settle down, and you won't be talking about it with your wife at all. Now, what about bad luck? I never heard that one....

AND, if you can put your things away somewheres for a while first, that would be best...you will only end up buying again once day ...

[SusanCACD]

Find a near-by CD fiend to store them for you!!!

[Kate Simmons]

All I know is that women's stuff is quite expensive. It can be tough on the pocket book if you toss it. It has to be your choice though Hon.:)

[carnut62]

Therefore, in order to stop the bad luck and to lessen the urges to cross dress, I am thinking of discarding 2 suitcases of nice clothes, wigs, silicone forms, makeup, lingerie and shoes. Without these, I'm confident my luck will improve and I'll not be thnking of going on vacation soon. Yet, they are not stuff that are easy to obtain.
What's the advice you have for me? To discard or to keep?

Don't discard, I still miss things I lost to purges 10 years ago :( Luck is something that happens by chance, through your actions the same can come, just believe in yourself. If you are going to stop I say just box it up and put it in storage.

[ReineD]

Furthermore, as an Asian, I believe crossdressing brings me bad luck.

...

What's the advice you have for me? To discard or to keep?

I think you should keep your stuff, even if you pack it up and store it elsewhere for the time being. Should there come a time in the future when you will want to go out and buy all new stuff, you will have saved yourself a great deal of expense.

Also, I have a question. There have been several asian members lately who have said that cross-gender expression is not readily accepted in their cultures. Yet, I am under the general impression that it is, when I see youtube videos about cafés where male staff and customers openly dress as maids or little girls, or clubs where lady-boys are sought, even down to cross-gender cos-play that I thought was popular in asian countries?

[Michelle (Oz)]

The only bad luck here would be throwing away all your expensive hard to replace femme items. Been there done that - now replaced.

[Tina B.]

Dump it, dump it all! remember, shopping can be as rewarding as dressing. And if you dump it, there is a good chance you'll be shopping before long.

[paulinescotlandcd]

I must admit I have never had, or understood, the "urge to purge". If I was you I would purge it all through Ebay and when you come to realise what a huge mistake you have made at least your Paypal account will be well in credit and it will be easier getting up and going again.

[giuseppina]

How about convincing yourself that crossdressing does not bring bad luck? This isn't unique to Asians, BTW. Is your wife completely closed to the idea of a crossdressing husband?

Perhaps you can find a place to put your things where they won't be damaged or discarded. The makeup, however, does have a shelf life, and is generally unfit for use after a while because of bacterial contamination.

[AmandaB]

I've purged and re-purchased wigs, forms, clothes, makeup, etc....not once, but twice! I estimate I've thrown away about $2500 in total but the thing that makes me the most upset is that I'll never be able to replace my favorite wig - and have spent far too much money trying to do so.

Take it from me - store it away somewhere. It reminds me of something my dad use to say - "It's better to have it and not want it, than want it and not have it".

For some reason, dressing is just something that most of us keep coming back to no matter how much we try to hide from it.

Best of Luck,
-Amanda

[DebbieL]

Many of us have our own superstitions and/or fears and/or conflicts with dressing. For Cross-dressers who are happy being men, it's a fun "hobby" and can be an emotional release. As an Asian, I would think that you would see the balance of the Yin and Yan, the masculine and feminine. In many ways, the strict gender roles, especially as expected from American men, is probably unhealthy. I understand that much of this culture is the product of fighting in wars almost every generation. Sending boys to war means that they need to learn to kill anyone when ordered to do so, which means getting rid of the softer, more compassionate "feminine" side. In early wars, it could take six months to train a soldier to run into gunfire, to kill men, women, and children. By Vietnam, the training time had been reduced to 6 weeks. This was because the President's Council on Physical Fitness had a goal of making boy ready for war, starting about 5 years old. Boys who wouldn't fight became targets of those who would, and often with the encouragement and/or supervision of the gym teacher or coach.

Of course, Northern Europeans were notorious for war, destroying civilizations, including science, medicine, and engineering. The 100 years war was just one of many. There era known as the "Dark Ages" was so named because while China, Persia, and India were thriving civilizations, the Europeans had degenerated into tribes killing each other for quick loot. It wasn't until France started giving the Vikings land, in exchange for defending the shores of what became known as Normandy that things started to get even slightly organized.

Consider the possibility that letting your feminine side out, in whatever form, is actually healthy.

If you really want to quit, get a storage locker and put the clothes in storage. consider that if your wife really loved you, and you told her how important this is to you, that she might actually show how much she loves you by sharing it with you, even taking an active role. The problem is that you have relied on lies, deception, dishonesty. There may have been a time when she would have seen your feminine side, embraced it, and even encouraged you. However, after years of pretending to be "all man", possibly trying to have her be "all woman", she may be struggling.with the discovery, resenting the years when she may have even wanted to see a more feminine side, yet couldn't access that part of you because you were so busy trying to hide it. She may have even feared that you were having an affair.

Put the clothes in storage somewhere, see a couple's counselor together, someone with experience in gender identity issues, and see if you can't create a relationship that's based on honesty, integrity, authenticity, love, and mutual acceptance. Find out what SHE wants, and work out how you can achieve that together.

The bigger concern is how you shift when you consider the possibility of never dressing again, of not being loved for who you are. If you find yourself getting self-destructive, be it drugs, alcohol, promiscuous sex, overeating, medical problems, or suicidal thoughts or actions - you need to be aware of that as quickly as possible.

[Diversity]

I would not urge you not to purge your things. You will most likely find that your urges to dress will resurface time and time again. I'd suggest putting them away for the time being (attic, basement, garage, storage facility, etc). I made the mistake of purging my things on several occasions over the years, and have regretted this, but at the same time, I enjoyed shopping once more! Cross dressing isn't 'bad luck'. It's 'GREAT FUN', (and sooooo satisfying)! :)
Di

[linda.wai]

Hi Gals, thanks for the advice.
My decision to purge boils down to 2 considerations.

1. Is crossdressing causing bad luck / karma ?

In most Asian cultures, transgendered people are considered the lowest of the lowest in social status. One would be in very bad state to become a member of the 3rd sex. Also, there is always a mystical component to transgenderism in Asian cultures with TS people associated with having power over luck. In India, the hijira have great powers to bless or curse others but they are always cursed (as a result of being transgendered).
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transgenderism_and_religion

I suppose another forum member also had similar thoughts
(see : http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?171372-Do-You-Think-Crossdressing-is-Cursed-with-Bad-Karma )

2. Is it hard to acquire all the femme stuff later ?

Most of these stuff are bought painstakingly through lots of embarassing and potentially risky attempts. Its not just the cost element.

So, my provisional conclusions are:
(1) Yes, it does cause bad karma. The sacrifices arising from CD already means that one is cursed. However guilt is probably a greater effect on my perceived bad luck related to CD than this bad karma. Therefore, if one lives in an open society with no psychological issues over CD, then this bad luck factor should not be a concern. However, in my case, when CD will lead to tremendous loss, CD will cause bad karma and even bad luck.
(2) No, its ok to throw them out since cost is not my main concern. The painstaking purchasing of the stuff is a concern but that might well be fun.

[heatherdress]

Linda - If you have made up your mind and believe that it is best to purge and stop crossdressing - do it. Don't ask anyone else. Do what is best for you. You should not feel bad if you are making a decision that is in your best interests.

[docrobbysherry]

Here's my reply to YOUR reply, Linda:

1. If u BELIEVE CDing brings back luck, it probably will. Even if whatever bad happens has nothing to do with dressing, you'll blame it on CDing.

2. If u believe that an alcoholic throwing away his booze, and a druggie throwing away his dope cures them both, u SHOULD throw away all your ladies things!

[Meghan]

I personally think there is a possibility for tremendous growth when starting over. Even when I think back to my last purge, for example, there are not many things I wish I had back. It's like an Everglades fire...all of the old overgrowth is burned off so new growth is possible. Sure, there will be an emotional investment to bring your wardrobe back...but you might have bought all of those new things anyway.

For example, I have no desire to ever buy breast forms because my natural breast shape had developed in a way that needs no enhancement. Why would I want to put a barrier between my nipples and the bra or garment? That barrier doesn't feel right now, but 10 years ago I would have killed (or at least paid a lot of money) for good breast forms.

Waist chinchers are a different story...

I recommend burning the forest down to see what grows back! This approach may not be the most economically viable, by the way.

Meghan

[linda.wai]

So, the answer to my question depends on whether my CD will recur and come back.
Situation A : CD will never go away and is part of that person. Nothing will get rid of CD feelings for extended periods of time.
Situation B : CD is like a habit / addiction / urge that has psychological roots. It is not something good or bad and whether its good or bad depends on the person's situation.

If Situation A is the truth, one should never purge, never throw away anything and embracing one's CD is the only sensible thing to do
If Situation B is fact, different people should have different ways forward

[Eryn]

I cannot speak to your culture, but for me coming to terms with my CDing has resulted in nothing but good luck for me!

[Jana]

All I can say is that purging is a bad idea. You'll eventually buy everything again. What you are going to do is up to you! :)

[Beverley Sims]

Yes at fourty you are like me starting to look rough at the edges again.
I think you are of Chinese extraction and some family beliefs still hold strong.
When away it is wonderful to dress as there is little chance of being found out.
You do have to resolve this with your wife, but if you don't do not despair.
Do not dispose of your clothes but keep them safe from discovery.
Unfortunately you may not be able to beat the temptation to dress again.
Try and seek help amongst the many TG TS groups that are in the Sydney area.
Look on the net, they are there.
They will help and advise you.

[paulinescotlandcd]

I think you will find in time that is was bad luck to purge. I nearly fell off my chair when I read you thought that the Cd desire might not resurface. I have never read about any CD'er who has said they dumped all their stuff and that was the end of the matter.

[kimdl93]

Hoping for luck and clinging to superstitions are futile efforts to control the uncontrollable. This isn't unique to Asian culture...every culture has some superstitions. But in the end, there are things that happen by chance and things that happen because of the choices and actions we make, or fail to make.

What you're implying is that CDing brings bad luck. Actually, hiding this from your wife lead to an accidental discovery, and judging from your story, a disapproving wife. Yes, the desire died down - because you're feeling guilty. Its not magic, its not bad luck - its bad judgement.

This denial will not magically make your life better. Your wife may be placated, but most likely you'll continue to desire to express your female side. And sooner or later give in to the desire. Then, you'll feel guilty again. This is not fate - its just poor choices.

I would suggest that instead of hoping to improve your "luck" by discarding something of value, that you look at the aspects of life that are within your control and take positive steps to improve your life. If you start making postive and proactive choices and taking action, you may find that your "luck" improves.

[Janelle_C]

I really hope you can work this out with your wife. But I can only tell you from my experience that when I purged in the past I ended up having to replace all my clothes and stuff. I purged in the past because I didn't understand what or why I was feeling. I felt bad and guilty about what I was doing. I understand now that there's nothing wrong with me it's part of who I am. I started therapy this year and it's helped me so much I can't even begin to say. I hope you can figure this out for you and your wife. Hugs Janelle