Acceptance by SO will be slow, treasure the small steps.

[Barbara Ella]

I have posted about watching the little things before, like my wife missing my underarm hair when I first shaved ( with her knowledge). She just missed running her fingers through the hairs...go figure.

She has had a tough time emotionally dealing with the dressing, even though she supports the concept, and me finding myself intellectually.

She knows I underdress, nothing visible. I dislike my male socks, so bought some women's black crew socks. When we did the wash, she questioned me if they were women's socks and I told her yes, I liked them better. She liked them, and bought more of the same for her use. She then suggested we have a communal sock drawer for our mutual use. So we have been wearing the same socks for the past two weeks.

This is on the surface a very small thing, but it is a recognition by her that i dress, and have a female presence. She sees what I wear daily, and shares them with me. Trivial in the overall transgender mystery, but it is such a big step for her, and makes me feel closer, and confirms the thought that over time acceptance will get better.

So do not despair, just be patient, and do not push too hard, but do not give up the search for the inner peace that is there.

Barbara

[Diversity]

I am going through the same thing as you with my wife. Being patient is the best way to be, as I would not want to hurt my wife in any way. I am letting time take it's course and in the meantime, I am enjoying dressing when the opportunity presents itself - even if it is for short intervals at random times during the day and night.
Good luck!
Di

[Meghan]

I have posted about watching the little things before, like my wife missing my underarm hair when I first shaved ( with her knowledge). She just missed running her fingers through the hairs...go figure.

She has had a tough time emotionally dealing with the dressing, even though she supports the concept, and me finding myself intellectually.

She knows I underdress, nothing visible. I dislike my male socks, so bought some women's black crew socks. When we did the wash, she questioned me if they were women's socks and I told her yes, I liked them better. She liked them, and bought more of the same for her use. She then suggested we have a communal sock drawer for our mutual use. So we have been wearing the same socks for the past two weeks.

This is on the surface a very small thing, but it is a recognition by her that i dress, and have a female presence. She sees what I wear daily, and shares them with me. Trivial in the overall transgender mystery, but it is such a big step for her, and makes me feel closer, and confirms the thought that over time acceptance will get better.

So do not despair, just be patient, and do not push too hard, but do not give up the search for the inner peace that is there.

Barbara

Thank you so much for this post, Barbara. I feel like I wrote it, I do have the same feelings of loss and disruption too. My wife used to love pulling on my underarm hairs to get my attention (lol, yeah, it's true). She knows I at least underdress and there hasn't been a day in the last 4 months when my toes were not some color other than nude.

So while there is a true sense of loss, at least for me, there is also a sense of growth. She like me is embracing her femininity like I have never seen before, plus there are brand new ways for her to push my buttons...buttons that either didn't exist, or she didn't know about 6 months ago.

Your message of restraint is pretty remarkable. It's a great reminder that this is a journey, not an event, and that being patient brings tangible rewards to the spirit and the partnership.

Thank you again, and I will be sending her this post tonight. She doesn't post here, but I am sure she will be glad to read this.

Meghan

[Meghan]

I am going through the same thing as you with my wife. Being patient is the best way to be, as I would not want to hurt my wife in any way. I am letting time take it's course and in the meantime, I am enjoying dressing when the opportunity presents itself - even if it is for short intervals at random times during the day and night.
Good luck!
Di

Exactly. Whenever the chance presents itself. Sometimes I really want to dress and jump at the chance, sometimes my wife insists I let it out. Some of the most rewarding events come when I am reluctant but push into Meghan anyway.

And for the record, trouser socks are a godsend. I hated male grab dress socks, and throwing them out forever was one of the highlights of my experience so far. The slippery, silky feel against my shoes works for me in a zillion different ways. I have literally rearranged my lunch schedule because I "get" to wear trouser socks.

No, I am not suggesting any of this is rational...

Meghan

[DebbieL]

Barbara,
It sounds like you might even have one of those wives who WANTS to feminize you. She has expressed awareness, and when you have been honest with her, she has been supportive.

One of the biggest problems with making the disclosure later in the marriage is that it's a bit like telling you your a mob boss or a CIA Agent. She may have wondered about many things, and there may have been things she liked about your life together, but once she knew where they were coming from, she had to deal with a person with a double life. She has to decide, she want to know about the other person? On the one hand, she may find that she loves you even more, and wants to have Barbara be a part of her life, even a lover. On the flip side, if she decides she doesn't like Barbara, she risks losing you.

Do YOU know who you are? Are you a CD, Transgendered, or Transsexual? Is Barbara just a name for the character you play when you get dressed up, or is Barbara the name you gave the girl trapped in the man's body? These are questions you need to sort out for yourself, as well as with her.

In my first marriage, I told my wife after we moved in together but before we got married. She had fallen in love with me and we were at the very early stages, so she was very accepting - at first. But soon she was more interested in how she could use it to gain power over me, to get things she wanted, and to frustrate me. She wanted money, power, and security, but she didn't want sex. She wanted control of her situation, but on her terms. Eventually she found that keeping me frustrated gave her the greatest control.

After the divorce, I started going out and met a woman who wanted to date Debbie, decided I wasn't a good match, but she introduced me to her daughter, then later to a friend who had been living with a transsexual in transition. This woman loved Debbie and couldn't wait to see me dressed. I had started therapy and Lifestyle changes toward transition and she was very supportive. It ended when a former boyfriend asked her to marry her, promised to adopt her children, and give her 50% of a patent worth at least $5 million (it's now used in nearly every power supply used for laptops, netbooks, and tablets.

Today, my second wife loves Debbie as much as Rex, and realizes that there are two different personalities. Rex is more of a clown and makes her laugh a lot, but he's also a Nerd and Egg-head, who knows way too much about way too much. Debbie is sexy, sweet, loving, compassionate, much neater (my SO loves it when Debbie cleans the house or does the Laundry or washes the dishes), and when I'm fully dressed as Debbie and we are out and talking together, there is authenticity, integrity, compassion, kindness, genuine interest.

Wife #2 doesn't want me to transition, but she's OK with me dressing and even HRT. She's more worried that I might have to deal with consequences I can't handle. She also doesn't want Debbie coming to family events. That's fair. Over the last few years, nearly all of the boy-clothes I own have been gifts from her family, or at least the shirts and pants. What's most important to me is that she loves both of us. I would like to transition, but even if I did, I'd like to keep Rex's smarts and humor.

[Beverley Sims]

Just last night I was going to the post office dressed, I had been out gardening and had on shorts and a low cut top .
She said to me are you going out dressed like that? No you're not! I was a little perplexed until she said, cover yourself up put on a skirt and another top at least.
So I did and I went out to collect the mail. :)

[SandraV]

I would like to think one day we will both learn to make peace with this part of me...

[kimdl93]

As you and your wife demonsrate, patience, openness and good will are the keys to gaining acceptance.

[Tina B.]

Nice post Barbara, I think it will help a lot of girls just coming out to their wives. I am one of the lucky ones thats wife accepted me as is the day I told her. but I know not everyone is that lucky, for some it takes time, and you need to give it to her.

[MsRenee]

Baby steps are the way to go girl. That way you both will learn as you move along in life. Open comminacation is the key so keep that line open and youll both will have and understanding of things to come.
Renee

[NyssaF]

Baby steps, definitely. Don't try to rush her, don't try to force her to accept things she doesn't want to. She'll let you know when she's ready for more.