Why It's Beautiful To Be Trans

[Foxglove]

Hi, Everybody!

We transfolks are of course an oft-maligned group. On this very forum over the last few days three fairly nasty taunts have been thrown at us. So it goes.

And this week I had a “discussion” with one of my contacts—a perfectly decent guy in many ways, but alas! a hopelessly religious homo/transphobe who believes that TGism is a choice and a sin and that if I would just turn to Jesus, he would cure and save me. I continued talking to him because I had the feeling there was a chance I could get through to him, but in the end he just couldn’t make the breakthrough, so I gave it up.

And then there was another contact of mine who’s very knowledgeable of and sympathetic towards TGism. I don’t know what’s going on with her right now, but I think somehow she got to a place inside her where she discovered that TGism completely baffles her, and I think maybe she’s wondering whether she even really likes us at all. Or maybe she was just having a bad day.

At any rate, as we know, no cisperson, no matter how knowledgeable about TGism, is going to truly understand us. We are always other, alien to them and their experience. So how to explain to them why it’s so beautiful to be trans? I think there are two main elements at work here:

[1] Once when I was young, I walked out of a job. It was the right thing to do: the job was worse than depressing. It was soul-destroying. But as I was sitting at the bus-stop waiting for the bus home, everything was very strange. The world looked and felt very different: it had almost a fairy-tale quality to it.

A friend of mine later explained it to me: there are certain moments in your life that are “charged”. Something occurs to break down your natural defences: you stand face-to-face with life, and the world flows into you in all its fullness and richness. For better or worse, you feel more vibrant and alive. The world has really got to you.

[2] This same friend once wrote a poem about a hunchback. I didn’t understand it, so he explained it to me: we all carry a burden in life. The hunchback has an advantage of sorts. He at least knows what his burden is. It’s too obvious for him to ignore. While other people might spend years trying to figure out what their burden is, he has a headstart: he learns all about his own burden and how to live with it.

We transpeople have that same advantage: we know what our burden is—if we don’t choose to repress or deny it. But we have a further advantage in that it’s not just a burden.

We transpeople live with a certain ever-present tension. In part that tension is that which exists between us and society at large, who at the end of the day would prefer to do without us. But that tension also arises from our very nature, because gender is something that is very basic to us. Because of the conflicting signals that we get from deep within us, we are always on edge. So this tension, which is such a burden to us, also proves to be our great gift.

Why? Because it allows us, at any time of our choosing, to produce one of those charged moments that make us feel truly alive. And how do we do that? By simply being ourselves.

I’ll never forget the time, a few weeks ago, when for the first time in my life I appeared in public as myself. Those who’ve done that know the incredible buzz it gives you: such a feeling of liberation! It is a fabulous, magical experience. It’s when you reveal yourself to the world, when you drop all your defences, when you face life squarely and allow it to flow into you in all its fullness.

It’s possible to experience those charged moments in other ways: you can walk out of a job, fall in love, bring home your newborn baby for the first time, or perhaps lose someone you love. We transpeople, though, don’t have to wait for or seek out such moments. We always have the means at hand to create them. A very simple act—being yourself—that you can engage in at any time you wish—and suddenly you feel truly alive. Suddenly the world is filled with magic. Suddenly life is rich, intense, pure. Would cispeople envy us if they could understand this gift of ours?

That’s our burden, that’s our gift, and that’s why it’s beautiful to be trans.

Best wishes, Annabelle

[AmyGaleRT]

A beautiful sentiment, Annabelle. I think we do need to remember that "trans," besides meaning "transsexual" or "transgender," can also mean "transcendent." We transcend the limitations imposed upon us by birth, and reshape our images to match our inner selves by force of will. Some of us jump the wall altogether, others are content to straddle it. But how many out there would never dare even approach the wall, or even consciously realize that there is a wall?

Perhaps the Native Americans have the right of it...they refer to individuals like us as "two-spirited," and such people have often held important roles in their society.

- Amy

[Kaz]

Annabelle,

Beautifully written and a great way of looking at things. A very recent post here was from a GG asking again why do we want to wear women's clothes? Getting to that underlying premise is so hard to articulate as we come different perspectives, but sometimes (and not always) I am truly 'charged' in the experience - everything comes together and things are just right. And I agree about that experience of being 'out there'... just you, being yourself... Thank you

[ChelseaErtel]

Once I realized and accepted I was transgendered I felt like a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders and I felt freer and almost happy. Then, after I discovered I was TS and told my wife and mother, another weight was lifted and I am now happier than I have ever been. That is beautiful to me.

We had 16 of my wife's family over for Thanksgiving in addition to the day before and two days after. I loved cooking breakfast for everyone and taking care of all their needs, I have always done that for any holiday we host the family. But this year I just it just felt wonderful to let my "mothering" nature, the nurturing just flow out.

My wife is coming along and we went (she's not ready for Chelsea yet) shopping. She showed me a few things that she thought I would like and I showed her things I thought she'd like. She was looking as a purse and asked my opinion. I looked at it from how it would work for me, and I had some critical comments and said I was right and decided against it, and was glad I had practical knowledge of purses.

It's baby steps, but what I'm getting to is that while I'll never be able to gain all the female experience that a GG gets growing up, a GG doesn't have the male experience I have gained. I can live and enjoy two worlds. With time, I hope my wife will embrace Chelsea more. When that happens it will be a beautiful thing.

I believe TG'erd persons are more compassionate, more caring, more nurturing, and have deeper feelings than non-TG persons. That is beautiful.

[Angela Campbell]

I always thought it would take courage to let someone know about who and what I am, and I always feared I did not have that courage. I finally found that accepting myself did not take courage at all. It was more like a moment of exhaustion when I just let go of the amazingly difficult struggle to be something the world wanted me to be. I was just too tired to keep going on and just let go. It was a moment of weakness that lead me to the realization that I had been wasting my energy all along. I have faced the enemy and it was me. Now I have the strength to face other things since this weight has been lost. I am still not out to the world but I am on the path. I am happy with what I am.

[kimdl93]

A a couple of thoughts really resonated with me. The first is that there is beauty, not a physical beauty, but something admirable and wonderful. That beauty may be found in the feeling of liberation. And perhaps the most highly charged moment ...that moment when we come,out to ourselves and finally accept ourselves after years of hiding.

[bridget thronton]

A very nice piece (I can relate to leaving a soul crushing job - i did that twice)

[Foxglove]

Thanks to all of you for your replies. I came across something very interesting and relevant this evening. I'm currently reading a novel called "My Women Friends and the Truth about their Love Lives at this Precise Moment" by the Belgian author, Francis Dannemark. The novel is about a group of friends, and one evening while they're all together, a woman reads them a sentence that she once wrote down, though she can't now recall where it came from. It went like this:

"Can you have forgotten how sweet it is to love and be loved and, thanks to an intimate look or a tender caress, to be relieved of the burden of being nothing but yourself?"

Now these are all cispeople--and the idea is that they want to escape themselves, whereas we want to find and be ourselves. A different outlook on life, innit?

Annabelle

[TeresaL]

Thanks Annabelle. Although many or most cis genders will never understand, a few good GGs, do breakthrough with an unassuming acceptance, and not just pity.

To be able to be ourselves is indeed awesome, rewarding, and beautiful.

[Marleena]

Very nicely written Annabelle!:) I agree totally with accepting one's self. Being in denial is emotionally draining. All we can do is try to show and tell the Cisworld we really are okay.:)

[famousunknown]

We transpeople have that same advantage: we know what our burden is—if we don’t choose to repress or deny it. But we have a further advantage in that it’s not just a burden.

We transpeople live with a certain ever-present tension. In part that tension is that which exists between us and society at large, who at the end of the day would prefer to do without us. But that tension also arises from our very nature, because gender is something that is very basic to us. Because of the conflicting signals that we get from deep within us, we are always on edge. So this tension, which is such a burden to us, also proves to be our great gift.

Why? Because it allows us, at any time of our choosing, to produce one of those charged moments that make us feel truly alive. And how do we do that? By simply being ourselves.

I’ll never forget the time, a few weeks ago, when for the first time in my life I appeared in public as myself. Those who’ve done that know the incredible buzz it gives you: such a feeling of liberation! It is a fabulous, magical experience. It’s when you reveal yourself to the world, when you drop all your defenses, when you face life squarely and allow it to flow into you in all its fullness.

It’s possible to experience those charged moments in other ways: you can walk out of a job, fall in love, bring home your newborn baby for the first time, or perhaps lose someone you love. We transpeople, though, don’t have to wait for or seek out such moments. We always have the means at hand to create them. A very simple act—being yourself—that you can engage in at any time you wish—and suddenly you feel truly alive. Suddenly the world is filled with magic. Suddenly life is rich, intense, pure. Would cispeople envy us if they could understand this gift of ours?

That’s our burden, that’s our gift, and that’s why it’s beautiful to be trans.



Ok, I’m going to be honest here
I have NEVER understood when people call this a “gift” or say we’re “blessed”. How can a condition that causes so much pain, guilt, shame, self-loathing, etc. possibly be a GIFT?
This is not a “gift” to me, I feel more like I have some kind of mental illness, but I’m not crazy in the rest of my life.
Yea, Yea, I know what the responses will be - “just accept yourself” blah, blah. I’ve read it all before over and over. Yes, people are individuals and have their own circumstances in life, that’s a given. But, either I simply “don’t get it” or everyone else who says “it’s beautiful to be trans” is demented. Can someone explain it to me without all the flowery prose? Sure, I can purge, and turn my back and say “the hell with all of this”, but here’s the kicker…it’s still in my head. Short of getting inside my head surgically and changing the wiring, I can’t shake it, no matter what. Am I the only one who’s this messed up? And yes, I can understand why suicide is prevalent in the T community. I’m not saying I’m considering it, but I really do understand it.

[Marleena]

Ok, I’m going to be honest here
I have NEVER understood when people call this a “gift” or say we’re “blessed”. How can a condition that causes so much pain, guilt, shame, self-loathing, etc. possibly be a GIFT?
This is not a “gift” to me, I feel more like I have some kind of mental illness, but I’m not crazy in the rest of my life.
Yea, Yea, I know what the responses will be - “just accept yourself” blah, blah. I’ve read it all before over and over. Yes, people are individuals and have their own circumstances in life, that’s a given. But, either I simply “don’t get it” or everyone else who says “it’s beautiful to be trans” is demented. Can someone explain it to me without all the flowery prose? Sure, I can purge, and turn my back and say “the hell with all of this”, but here’s the kicker…it’s still in my head. Short of getting inside my head surgically and changing the wiring, I can’t shake it, no matter what. Am I the only one who’s this messed up? And yes, I can understand why suicide is prevalent in the T community. I’m not saying I’m considering it, but I really do understand it.

Famousunknown I know you're having a tough time with this. You only only have 2 choices, accept or fight it. It's genetic/biological in origin, it happens in the womb. If you deny it you live with the depression, anger, etc. There is no cure, it is what it is... ask any therapist. It could be worse you could deal with being TS like I am.

[Foxglove]

But, either I simply don't get it; or everyone else who says it's beautiful to be trans is demented. Can someone explain it to me without all the flowery prose?


A very simple act—being yourself—that you can engage in at any time you wish—and suddenly you feel truly alive. Suddenly the world is filled with magic. Suddenly life is rich, intense, pure.

This is your answer, Famousunknown. When you accept yourself, when you start being yourself, it's a fabulous feeling. The weight falls from your shoulders. A feeling of total liberation. When you experience that, you want more and more and more of it. I wish I'd experienced it a long time ago.

I know you're having a tough time now. A lot of us have been there. Try and hang in there.

Best wishes, Annabelle

[famousunknown]

Famousunknown I know you're having a tough time with this. You only only have 2 choices, accept or fight it. It's genetic/biological in origin, it happens in the womb. If you deny it you live with the depression, anger, etc. There is no cure, it is what it is... ask any therapist. It could be worse you could deal with being TS like I am.

Marleena, that's the thing that really scares the hell out of me, I don't know that I'm not TS. In fact, I don't really know where I am in this whole "T" thing right now. You say it's genetic/biological in origin. I wonder if a traumatic experience at an early age could implant something into a person for the rest of their life? The human mind is a complex thing.


This is your answer, Famousunknown. When you accept yourself, when you start being yourself, it's a fabulous feeling. The weight falls from your shoulders. A feeling of total liberation. When you experience that, you want more and more and more of it. I wish I'd experienced it a long time ago.

"When you accept yourself"...well sure...but how do I get there?
What pill do I take to get there?

[Marleena]

Marleena, that's the thing that really scares the hell out of me, I don't know that I'm not TS. In fact, I don't really know where I am in this whole "T" thing right now. You say it's genetic/biological in origin. I wonder if a traumatic experience at an early age could implant something into a person for the rest of their life? The human mind is a complex thing.


Possible, it really is time you find a gender therapist. They can help you find the answers for you. One thing for sure based on your own posts it won't go away. You really need to deal with it.

[TeresaL]

Some point along the way, you will have an epiphany, whereby you will know.
Annabelle and Marleena said it right. This IS a birth effect, but you are apparently only seeing it as birth defect.

Marleena isn't making up the brain gender / cross gender mixup in the womb. You can study it for yourself by reading plenty of papers from Benjamin Harris and Anne Vitalis, of whom each will provide 100s of scientific studies and references. American Medical Association, American Psychological Association, and American Psychiatry Association address transgender causes also. I use the term "transgender" to encompass all of us with any degree of gender proclivity, whether lite CD or pre-op TS.

Annabelle mentioned that cis genders will never understand it if they keep close minded. Being society programmed as we all are, it may be that you trying to think in society's terms. But please, be more open to the medical and psychological data.

[Cassandra Lynn]

"When you accept yourself"...well sure...but how do I get there?
What pill do I take to get there?

It usually takes a whole lot of pain to get to the point of utter acceptance, at least that is what it took for me.

I was standing at the abyss, and continuing on in the insanity that i was living, would have only brought death or an asylum.

If you've never heard of this definition for insanity here ya go........
continuing to do the same things over and over again expecting different results.

A drug and alcohol counselor in a treatment center was the first person i ever told about my true nature, and it was the single best thing i ever did.

I was reborn that night.

Sorry for veering off topic Annabelle, and that was a lovely thread, thank you very much.

[Foxglove]

Sorry for veering off topic Annabelle, and that was a lovely thread, thank you very much.

Thanks and no problem. FamousUnknown is obviously in difficulties here, and if we can do anything to help, by all means let's do it, on or off topic.

As a matter of fact, I'm about to start a new thread based on one comment made in this thread. I know, I know, I talk a lot, but I think this other idea of mine might be appropriate.

Best wishes, Annabelle

[Tashee]

pure magic. brilliant.

[Jana]

I’ll never forget the time, a few weeks ago, when for the first time in my life I appeared in public as myself. Those who’ve done that know the incredible buzz it gives you: such a feeling of liberation! It is a fabulous, magical experience.

I remember it as if it were yesterday. The peace I felt that day, despite the huge adrenaline rush, is hard to describe. For the first time in my life everything made sense! :)

[ReineD]

"When you accept yourself"...well sure...but how do I get there?
What pill do I take to get there?

By finding one important person in your life who will accept and support all of who you are. It only takes one person. The rest is just deciding how much of your cross-gender expression you will show to what groups of people. And eventually you will find your niche.

[Annaliese]

I have a hard time putting my thoughts into word, I love when someone else can, Thank you and Hugs

[GabbiSophia]

Annabell ..just wow.. you summed it up perfectly. Then inner turmoil makes us so much stronger when we cam take it by the horn. Well said!!!

[famousunknown]

By finding one important person in your life who will accept and support all of who you are. It only takes one person. The rest is just deciding how much of your cross-gender expression you will show to what groups of people. And eventually you will find your niche.

I already have that. In fact, she accepts it more than I ever have. I still don't accept it, don't want it, don't want to acknowledge it, don't want any part of it, yet...it's there. I want it to disappear forever and be gone. I want to be normal.

[Marleena]

I already have that. In fact, she accepts it more than I ever have. I still don't accept it, don't want it, don't want to acknowledge it, don't want any part of it, yet...it's there. I want it to disappear forever and be gone. I want to be normal.

All the more reason to seek out a gender therapist! You'll get answers to your turmoil. Good luck.

[ReineD]

I already have that. In fact, she accepts it more than I ever have. I still don't accept it, don't want it, don't want to acknowledge it, don't want any part of it, yet...it's there. I want it to disappear forever and be gone. I want to be normal.

Oh sorry, I misread. I took it that you wanted to find a way to be a peace with it, because you were single and concerned about not finding an accepting partner.

If you want it to disappear forever and be gone, it will eventually I guess. Honestly, if you hate it each time you dress then I can't see you dressing in misery the rest of your lifetime, unless you're a glutton for punishment. :p

The alternative is to allow yourself to express femininity when you feel you need to, and forget about it the rest of the time. My SO had several periods of not dressing at all in past years, and one lasted almost an entire year. He just didn't feel like it and this happens to a lot of people here. People in this forum say that CDers can never stop, but some do. I know someone who lives in my town (the husband of a friend) who hasn't CDed in over 3 years, and this was his decision. His wife and grown children are supportive, as is his church community and many of our friends. He was "semi" out to everyone. Actually, about 10 years ago she thought she wanted to transition. I don't know why he stopped. He had been dressing with his wife's full support for 15-20 years. Then one day he grew a beard and that was it.

Just follow your heart and stop beating yourself up when you do. lol

[LeannL]

Annabelle,
Great piece expressing our true nature. Thanks.

Famousunknown,
I would suggest that you see a therapist as there appears to be something else that is preventing you from accepting yourself as you are. Maybe it is just the fact that society as a whole still doesn't accept us. Maybe it is that your religion doesn't accept us. For me, it was the fact that I was first worried that God would not accept me, then angry that he made me this way, then worried that I was a societal outcast. When I realized that God made me this way for a still unknown reason yet he still made me this way and therefore accepted me, I came to a calmness that others have described. I accepted myself even as I seek to understand why I was put on this earth this way. I don't care about society anymore. I do care that I don't hurt my loved ones so I try to be careful what I do but to the rest of society, I just don't give a hoot.

So please seek some help. Self-loathing is not good for anyone. You deserve a happier existence.

Leann

[Angela Campbell]

I already have that. In fact, she accepts it more than I ever have. I still don't accept it, don't want it, don't want to acknowledge it, don't want any part of it, yet...it's there. I want it to disappear forever and be gone. I want to be normal.

I can understand this emotion. For most of my life I wanted to be "normal" too. I knew from a very young age I wanted to be a girl, and was raised to think this is not normal, so I hid it. I finally came to the conclusion that I just can't hide something from myself. I can lie to myself, but I know the truth. The only thing that made it better for me was to just admit to myself that I am this way whether or not I want to be.

[Amy Fakley]

I want it to disappear forever and be gone. I want to be normal.

I know this feeling so well ... I spent all of my youth and most of my adult life so far, vigorously pursuing this goal of making it go away and trying to be normal.
It's only in the last few years that I've come to accept that for me, I might as well be trying to wash the white off rice. It took a lot of failed attempts for me to come to that point ... more or less 20 years or so of them. That was a lot of wasted time, and a lot of needless self-imposed angst.

Look, everyone's different. Nearly everyone here is going to tell you that you can't stop, that it will always come back and that the sooner you accept this aspect of yourself the better. That advice reflects the experiences of the people giving it, and by and large this is a self selected group of people for whom crossdressing is a "white on rice" kind of thing. There are people for whom this is not true. Maybe you're one of them?

Life is short, but it is also long enough to try more than one approach. If you honestly hate this, and don't want it to come back, then give it a try ... try walking away from it. If you come back to it ... well ... there you go.

The main thing is not to hate on yourself either way. You just are what you are. /there is no objectively "right" way to be a human, you know? If you're not hurting anyone else by dressing, and it makes you happy, and you want to keep doing it in spite of yourself ... maybe it's ok to give yourself permission to just do that and be happy 'eh? Also if you're really really unhappy ... see a councilor, these people have seen it all, they won't be shocked, and they can help you down the road to finding some peace.

[angpai30]

[QUOTE=almostalady;3030552 It was more like a moment of exhaustion when I just let go of the amazingly difficult struggle to be something the world wanted me to be. I was just too tired to keep going on and just let go. It was a moment of weakness that lead me to the realization that I had been wasting my energy all along. I have faced the enemy and it was me. Now I have the strength to face other things since this weight has been lost.

This has hit the nail on the spot for me. I was so tired of hiding everything, hiding myself. One who hides themselves aren't living a full life, but only a half a life because they don't allow them to experience the fullness and richness of life; sitting there hoping for acceptance from others, hoping that the world will one day accept us for who we are, hoping and waiting for that day to come. I was half dead when I started to transition... I was deathly afraid of anyone finding out about "me" and the precautions that I took were far above and beyond scale. Two days ago one of my Co-Workers told me that I was really different so different that she considered me a girly girl and told me that I really don't do dude well. She asked me how I was able to all the sudden switch from acting like a man to acting like a girl so fast. I told her that I was "acting" as a man and I always had "am I acting like a man" in my thoughts at all times. Once I let that go the girl in me started to pour out and my natural instincts started to kick in. She was amazed that me being a girly girl was so instinctive she started to realize how exhausting it was for me to be who I "was" then. The weight of watching body movements and watching how I talked and interacted with others was a point of stress for me. She gave me a big hug and said she was glad that Angela is here now and that my other self was just not very fun or at all manly even when trying to watch myself. She laughed and I started crying that someone actually understands what I, what we all are going through and dealing with.

Angela

[Julogden]

An absolutely wonderful posting! Thank you for sharing it with us. The resulting discussion is most enlightening.

Carol

[Fiona K]

Nice sentiments.

But the terminally God-bothering will never "get it" without being who we are. I tired to do the whole Jesus thing (I was completely hooked and ecstatically evangelical), I joined the Army Reserves and I got married........ none of these things "cured" me of my "choice".

The superstitious (like my Pastor Brother-in-law and Sister) who believe in some external entity that is omnipresent, omniscient and all powerful but then gives away free will (and wonders why it all goes to pot), will never understand us.





And this week I had a “discussion” with one of my contacts—a perfectly decent guy in many ways, but alas! a hopelessly religious homo/transphobe who believes that TGism is a choice and a sin and that if I would just turn to Jesus, he would cure and save me. I continued talking to him because I had the feeling there was a chance I could get through to him, but in the end he just couldn’t make the breakthrough, so I gave it up.