makin' it real
11-27-2012, 06:14 AM
Hi. I’ve been going through a hard time recently and want to share it with you. Writing it out may help me gain clarity, and hearing back from you might help me see things with different eyes.
Over the past several months my career has crashed and burned. First an academic program I’ve built and run over the past two years was killed by administration one week after it was approved for full launch to the public. This left me with a title but little to no work and essentially no income. Looking elsewhere, I talked with two other schools that had openings and expressed an interest. Both places told me I got the job after their months-long interview processes, and then both positions fell through within a week of them telling me yes. How utterly bizarre! Three different places say yes to my ideal positions, then all three turn around and reverse their offers within a week. I’ve never had even one place do that before. My mind couldn’t handle it, and I gave up. It hit me hard and I fell into depression, feeling helpless and hopeless, with no idea of where to go or what to do.
None of my previous coping tools helped and I felt at a loss. I severely limited my social interactions. I haven’t been able to focus my mind well enough to pray past a couple minutes or do any half-decent meditations. I haven’t even been reading, just loafing around the house doing nothing but watching YouTube videos and playing online pool. I stopped even looking for a job a couple months ago and basically put my email inboxes on auto-ignore. It got to the point where I barely left the house at all, sometimes not even opening the front door for days on end.
During this time I increased my intake of feminizing herbs from maintenance levels to growth levels. After three years of the herbal approach, I have modest hips and quite pronounced breasts, even when wearing a tight compression t-shirt under a loose shirt. I’ve become especially sensitized to, and even fearful of, people looking at my chest in guy mode. And they do. It’s not just my being hypersensitive. But that has added to my not wanting to go out, and I suspect I’ve gone both too far and not far enough in the body changes.
Combining my body insecurities with my professional collapse, I’ve been a mess.
On the plus side, I have some awesome friends and relatives. They simply would not leave me alone. They kept calling and texting and emailing, asking how I am and what I’m doing and giving me leads and encouragement and invitations to get together. It’s tough to convince myself I’m all alone and a worthless dredge when these good people keep pestering me.
And they all know about Rachel and they all still love me and support me. Still, I haven’t presented as Rachel in front of them yet. One buddy got me out for a night of beer and talk a few weeks ago. I talked more about what I’m going through and he said he didn’t care how I dressed when we get together, that I’ll always be his homie no matter what. Even though his language is from a different generation, I knew what he meant and love him for it.
And I have other support as well. A friend was recently diagnosed with diabetes after she collapsed and was hospitalized for several days from a diabetic coma. We started a rigorous diet together and get together several times a week now to eat, exercise, and meditate. She’s doing it to cure her diabetes. I’m doing it to get a girlish waist and use nutrition to help change my negative thinking. And it gets me out of the house. I fully present as Rachel with her, and have even gone outside and talked with others as Rachel with her by my side. Our last exercise time was dancing together at her house. So fun! Moving my body like that was scary! But we're going to do it again because it was such a good workout, and because it's good for me to get outside my comfort zone!
I’ve been doing weekly counseling sessions for a couple years now focusing on observing and changing my thought processes. It’s been helpful, if slow. And it has taken a month to get started with a gender counselor between the holidays and doing an intake session, but I finally have my first session with a GID counselor this Wednesday. And my therapist is a FtoM transsexual. Yay!
Now I have glimmers of hope.
It’s slow, but I am crawling out of the pit I’ve been in. My brother just bought plane tickets for me to come visit him and his wife in South Carolina for almost 2 weeks. The official reason is so I can help get his new cabin ready for them to move into, then help with the move. I’m glad to do it. The unofficial reason, but which I named and thanked him for tonight on the phone, is to help me during my time of need. And I love him for that too.
Being a guest in his house for so long makes me wonder whether I should tell him about my TG status. We were estranged for most of our adult lives because of problems with parents in our childhoods. We just started talking again a few years ago and have realized we really like each other. But I haven’t told him about my CDing or Rachel yet. Should I bring some stealth girl clothes for my own comfort? I haven't gone even a single day without women's clothes in a very long time. I don't know how I'll do without them.
Should I tell him everything as part of this time for reconnecting with my roots, my family, and with who I really am? Make full use of this opportunity to discover together with family who I am now and what my purpose is? I don’t know how he’ll take the TG stuff.
My sister will likely visit from North Carolina. I’ve been out to her for many years. She’s seen me dressed and has given me lots of clothes. But my brother’s wife is a real bible-thumper and he has deferred to her on some important issues in the past. Heck, I think I’ve only got two pieces of male underwear left, so that might answer one question right there!
Anyway, that’s where I am now, and what’s rattling around in my head today. Any thoughts, comments, or suggestions?
~Rachel
Over the past several months my career has crashed and burned. First an academic program I’ve built and run over the past two years was killed by administration one week after it was approved for full launch to the public. This left me with a title but little to no work and essentially no income. Looking elsewhere, I talked with two other schools that had openings and expressed an interest. Both places told me I got the job after their months-long interview processes, and then both positions fell through within a week of them telling me yes. How utterly bizarre! Three different places say yes to my ideal positions, then all three turn around and reverse their offers within a week. I’ve never had even one place do that before. My mind couldn’t handle it, and I gave up. It hit me hard and I fell into depression, feeling helpless and hopeless, with no idea of where to go or what to do.
None of my previous coping tools helped and I felt at a loss. I severely limited my social interactions. I haven’t been able to focus my mind well enough to pray past a couple minutes or do any half-decent meditations. I haven’t even been reading, just loafing around the house doing nothing but watching YouTube videos and playing online pool. I stopped even looking for a job a couple months ago and basically put my email inboxes on auto-ignore. It got to the point where I barely left the house at all, sometimes not even opening the front door for days on end.
During this time I increased my intake of feminizing herbs from maintenance levels to growth levels. After three years of the herbal approach, I have modest hips and quite pronounced breasts, even when wearing a tight compression t-shirt under a loose shirt. I’ve become especially sensitized to, and even fearful of, people looking at my chest in guy mode. And they do. It’s not just my being hypersensitive. But that has added to my not wanting to go out, and I suspect I’ve gone both too far and not far enough in the body changes.
Combining my body insecurities with my professional collapse, I’ve been a mess.
On the plus side, I have some awesome friends and relatives. They simply would not leave me alone. They kept calling and texting and emailing, asking how I am and what I’m doing and giving me leads and encouragement and invitations to get together. It’s tough to convince myself I’m all alone and a worthless dredge when these good people keep pestering me.
And they all know about Rachel and they all still love me and support me. Still, I haven’t presented as Rachel in front of them yet. One buddy got me out for a night of beer and talk a few weeks ago. I talked more about what I’m going through and he said he didn’t care how I dressed when we get together, that I’ll always be his homie no matter what. Even though his language is from a different generation, I knew what he meant and love him for it.
And I have other support as well. A friend was recently diagnosed with diabetes after she collapsed and was hospitalized for several days from a diabetic coma. We started a rigorous diet together and get together several times a week now to eat, exercise, and meditate. She’s doing it to cure her diabetes. I’m doing it to get a girlish waist and use nutrition to help change my negative thinking. And it gets me out of the house. I fully present as Rachel with her, and have even gone outside and talked with others as Rachel with her by my side. Our last exercise time was dancing together at her house. So fun! Moving my body like that was scary! But we're going to do it again because it was such a good workout, and because it's good for me to get outside my comfort zone!
I’ve been doing weekly counseling sessions for a couple years now focusing on observing and changing my thought processes. It’s been helpful, if slow. And it has taken a month to get started with a gender counselor between the holidays and doing an intake session, but I finally have my first session with a GID counselor this Wednesday. And my therapist is a FtoM transsexual. Yay!
Now I have glimmers of hope.
It’s slow, but I am crawling out of the pit I’ve been in. My brother just bought plane tickets for me to come visit him and his wife in South Carolina for almost 2 weeks. The official reason is so I can help get his new cabin ready for them to move into, then help with the move. I’m glad to do it. The unofficial reason, but which I named and thanked him for tonight on the phone, is to help me during my time of need. And I love him for that too.
Being a guest in his house for so long makes me wonder whether I should tell him about my TG status. We were estranged for most of our adult lives because of problems with parents in our childhoods. We just started talking again a few years ago and have realized we really like each other. But I haven’t told him about my CDing or Rachel yet. Should I bring some stealth girl clothes for my own comfort? I haven't gone even a single day without women's clothes in a very long time. I don't know how I'll do without them.
Should I tell him everything as part of this time for reconnecting with my roots, my family, and with who I really am? Make full use of this opportunity to discover together with family who I am now and what my purpose is? I don’t know how he’ll take the TG stuff.
My sister will likely visit from North Carolina. I’ve been out to her for many years. She’s seen me dressed and has given me lots of clothes. But my brother’s wife is a real bible-thumper and he has deferred to her on some important issues in the past. Heck, I think I’ve only got two pieces of male underwear left, so that might answer one question right there!
Anyway, that’s where I am now, and what’s rattling around in my head today. Any thoughts, comments, or suggestions?
~Rachel