stuck between confused and ??

[GabbiSophia]

I find myself not losing control but wanting to be more in control. I can't seem to figure out what I am doing. Do I just enjoy wearing the clothes? I don't think so I want a flat front my own boobs and to fit the picture in my head. Is that even posiable? I don't want to let down my kids or my wife. I wish she knew and accepted it. I live her but I love everything feminine. She doesn't even like to wear dresses but I feel whole when I do. Is there aomethig wrong here? I want to be whatever it is I shall be. Will my kids live a worse life? Can I still do my work? My line races everyday wondering when I can dress again. Then the.reflection doesn't even come close. I am at a point. Do I give it all up and be a male for my kids wife society? Walking in both worlds with one mind us crazy especially while expanding my business. I am sure others have been here?

Just were I am atm driving down the road with only one head light on.

[docrobbysherry]

Balancing business, family, friends, hobbies, private time is ALWAYS difficult, Steph. Never mind throwing in dressing!

Arranging private time to dress is one thing. Not easy for u it sounds like. However, if u r TS and have visions of coming out to everyone that's a completely different animal!

I suggest seeing a gender savy counselor for help in charting your path. Best wishes and good luck!

[josee]

Some things to think about; the urge you feel inside will never go away permanently. It can be buried for a while if you are good at stuffing your feelings like I was. It will likely only become more of an obsession. Kids are made out of the most resilient stuff and will adapt faster than most adults.
Sounds like a counseling session or two may be a good way to sort some things out.
Best of luck and welcome to the forum.

[GabbiSophia]

As that I have been dressing and purging for years yall might be right. Sheesh what a step though. I am not sure yet what it would be Luke to actually talk to someone face to face. Talk about a crazy life we lead lol. So let me ask you this since nothing is free what does it normally cost? Is there a page on here in the archives that talks about it? Jesse you hit on the head ...I can keep it Dow. But now it is 10x harder to not think about. I thought just changing my underwear in private would solve it. Lol nope!! Guess I have some major thinking to do.

[kimdl93]

Honestly, you're obsessing. My advice is to get to a therapist so that you can deal with what may be an obsessive compulsive disorder, or at least to clarify your thinking.

[GabbiSophia]

Honestly, you're obsessing. My advice is to get to a therapist so that you can deal with what may be an obsessive compulsive disorder, or at least to clarify your thinking.

Ty for the honesty ... Hmm mYbe I should take a step back them look for a therapist. I never thought I might have ocd. New way to think about it.

[ReineD]

I want a flat front my own boobs and to fit the picture in my head. Is that even posiable? I don't want to let down my kids or my wife. I wish she knew and accepted it. I live her but I love everything feminine.

I agree with seeing a therapist to sort this out with.

In the meantime, there are advantages and disadvantages to both genders, and speaking strictly about womanhood, you would be giving some things up (male privilege, equal salary). And you would need to get sufficient facial feminization surgery (FFS) to go stealth. After a transition you need to realize that if there is any hint of your male origins, people will see you as trans and not as a woman, at least according to several post-op TSs who posted this recently here, which was a surprise to me. Becoming a woman is a lot more than acquiring a flat tummy and breasts, and having long hair. Apart from how your wife and kids might take this, you'd need to cope with either transitioning on the job if you work in an environment that will accept this (and having people at work see you as trans since they will remember you as a male, and not a GG), or quitting and starting over elsewhere, all the while hoping that the rumor mill would not follow you, should you decide to go stealth.

Also if you were a woman full time, the time you spend on grooming and keeping up with the stylish clothes and accessories would diminish considerably. Trust me on this. You'd eventually do your grocery shopping in jeans and sneakers and without makeup, just like the rest of us, and you'd be another face in the crowd, just like the rest of us. It all becomes rather ordinary.

You do need to tell your wife of your desire to dress though, so that you can have outlets for self-expression. You should join a gender support group and start going out in the mainstream, bit by bit. When you do, you will eventually discover that SAs and restaurant personnel will treat you with the same degree of curtesy no matter how you present. :)

EDIT I just noticed your question about the cost. Here's a recent thread:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?183859

But, if you are born in the wrong body, it will be worth it.

[melissaK]

Steph sweetie, for my post to you I'm quoting Reine. Go read her post again, I think she's pretty spot on, and there's A LOT more advice in her post than you might realize with only one or two read throughs.

As for Kim's observation you are obsessing, she's likely on to something. If your anxieties are sky high and mixed with panic feelings, and with your history of CDing and purging to cope with your feelings, and your recent act of finding the courage to join this forum and post in the TS section, i think it sounds like you are staving off a breakdown and realize you need help.

The forum girls can offer you a friendly ear, and cheap advice by the handfuls, but an in person counselor would likely be a lot better. This is hitting you when you are heavily invested in marriage, kids, and career, and it's a really hard painful place to be. LOTS of us are in your boat, or are just now figuring out how to get out of the boat your in. Figuring all this gender stuff out all alone is not recommended. So go read Reine's post again and her tips on finding some local face to face help.

[Traci Elizabeth]

Holy mackerel girl! Just reading your thread made my head spin. Do what?

[Badtranny]

I've been thinking lately about people who want to transition and there is something that is rarely ever talked about; The intestinal fortitude required to live through the first few years after transition. Only a fortunate few get to experience visible stealthiness and fewer still experience it right away. The process literally takes years and in the meantime you look like a, well, ...you look like a tranny. Most trans women will pass sporadically and some will NEVER pass. Real life isn't like Mrs Doubtfire where everyone is totally fooled by ridiculous looking drag. That outfit wouldn't pass if the ball was on fire. (sports analogy grunt grunt) Real life is having everybody look at you when you walk into a room, or tap their buddy on the shoulder as you walk past, or giggle when you drive up to get your latte at Fourbucks. This is every single day with no end in sight. Do you think you're gonna breeze though transition because everybody at the dance club is always raving about how good you look? Think again. Do you think a few procedures will turn you into a woman? Think again.

Apparently something about transition is perceived as romantic despite every T-girl who has done it saying it's tough. It is in fact the toughest thing you will ever do and it MAY be the most rewarding thing as well but let me tell you something, when you go full-time and change your name, it is ON like the break of dawn. How you look is how you look and there is no more hiding behind the "dude" when you just want a break from being a spectacle. You may one day be a full-time woman but before you get there you first have to endure being a full-time tranny. Those are the dues, and I don't see a way around paying 'em.

Transition is a trip and that first step is a real bitch.

[GabbiSophia]

Holy mackerel girl! Just reading your thread made my head spin. Do what?

LOL! HA I realize that now .. sorry.. Lots going on but will try to explain it better


I agree with seeing a therapist to sort this out with.

In the meantime, there are advantages and disadvantages to both genders, and speaking strictly about womanhood, you would be giving some things up (male privilege, equal salary). And you would need to get sufficient facial feminization surgery (FFS) to go stealth. After a transition you need to realize that if there is any hint of your male origins, people will see you as trans and not as a woman, at least according to several post-op TSs who posted this recently here, which was a surprise to me. Becoming a woman is a lot more than acquiring a flat tummy and breasts, and having long hair. Apart from how your wife and kids might take this, you'd need to cope with either transitioning on the job if you work in an environment that will accept this (and having people at work see you as trans since they will remember you as a male, and not a GG), or quitting and starting over elsewhere, all the while hoping that the rumor mill would not follow you, should you decide to go stealth.


thank you for great advice.... but let me slow down the head spinning and start again ..lol

I believe I started out on the worng foot here being so gushing from the get go... first time to have an outlet I guess...

[morgan51]

Melissa nailed it , I couldn't agree more I'm so there right now. Newly 24/7 and looking like a tranny imagine that ,thats just what I am.lol Hating it and yet loving it . I'm so worth it though.