My wife knows

[TGMarla]

Well, I got careless. I was browsing the forums and my wife popped into the room. She wasn't happy. So later that evening, we had "the talk" again. Many of you know how that goes: lots of ambiguous questions that are very difficult to answer, especially to someone who has a very closed mind about all of this. She wasn't happy. But I remained calm, and tried to be an open book for her.

I got, "You like to look at men in dresses....Why?" She cannot accept that it is not a sexual thing. I'm not looking at men in dresses, etc., for a sexual turn-on. "Then what is it?" It's a hard question to answer. Crossdressers post pictures for a variety of reasons. One reason, perhaps, is to gain some acceptance and validity for their actions. Sure, sure, there's the vanity aspect of it all, but that's a little hard to explain to a wife who makes a good point when she says, "Don't you look at pictures of women in dresses? They're a hell of a lot better looking..." Total non-understanding, and on my part, an inability to adequately explain it to her. Much of my motivation for looking at "men in dresses" is to get a guage on what I can do to look better myself. Another is out of common courtesy for the ladies on this forum. I know we all try to some degree or another to look our best. Some of us are quite successful, others not so. Some have an advantage over others going in. But everybody tries. I'm no beauty queen. I try, too. I've received a lot of nice compliments from others here, which I appreciate enormously. I try to reciprocate with similar kindness.

She cannot comprehend how this doesn't border on homosexuality. After all, they're men....in dresses! When she asked about how other SO's responded, I told her that it is with a varying degree of acceptance, from outright rejection to full acceptance. I told her that some wives not only fully support their husbands crossdressing tendancies, but actually encourage them. This is a concept that she simply cannot get her mind around. I told her that she would be welcome to speak with other women about all of this, but she simply does not want to do so. Not at all.

I told her truthfully that I correspond with other crossdressers on a somewhat regular basis. When she asked what it is we talk about, I told her that it could be anything from fashion to football. One sister here shares my passion for American and world history. Things like that. She said, "Yeah, right. You're talking football...." But that is correct...sometimes. She wanted to know if other crossdressers take feminine names. I told her that yes, most do. Why? Because we manifest the feminine part of ourselves outwardly as women. Women have feminine names. Another concept that she has a great deal of difficulty with.

It got very late, and we needed to go to bed. We did not end the night as enemies, even though she was clearly upset. This morning, before she left for work, she was pleasant to me, wished me luck in my job interview (my fingers are crossed!), and kissed me goodbye. I will ask her later if she would be kind enough to continue the discussion at times. I don't want another year of brushing it under the table. But I also understand that she doesn't want anything to do with any of this. I do not need to dress up while she is downstairs watching TV. I don't mind waiting until she is away for a while. But neither do I want her thinking that I'm sneaking around behind her back. My hope is for a continuing open dialogue. There were a lot of things that she didn't ask me about, which means that there are probably a whole lot of unanswered questions she has.

All in all, it was, is, and will continue to be a very nervewracking experience. I long for even a modecum of acceptance from her, but I also understand that I likely will not get it. But I can stay hopeful.

[Tracy Lynn]

Hi Marla,

At least you and your wife are talking about it which alot of others here cannot do. Given time and more discussion maybe things will work out for you.

It must be so very difficult for someone to understand how we feel, think and act if they are not in our shoes. Very frustrating.

I hope things turn out better for you.

[Merinda]

Its a hard thing having a discussion with your wife on this topic , I had the confession / out of the closet discussion about 18 months ago even though she knew already.
We were on rocky ground throughout most of last year but things settled down this year and it seems to be tolerated these days.

My wife will sometimes make a wise crack at me in front of the kids , we all have a good laugh together .
I dont mind being made fun of within the family because to me its an acknowledgement of acceptance.

[chattaboxx]

thank you for your post, i wish in a way things could come out for me. I hide everything but like you wish it was out in the open.

They do say that some wives/girlfriends can never accept our crossdressing but I think you are lucky to have it out in the open and I hope your wife may come round

I hope everything works out, please keep us informed

Louise

[Ellaine]

Marla, :) Hope you get the job hon!

I'm sure it's the getting caught that gets you off on the wrong(er) foot.
It mudies the thought process, as she will have the shock to deal with.
You've seen all the advice so I wont ramble lol
Best of luck and patience, to you both.

Hugs Ellaine

[Julia Cross]

Hi Marla,

It may not seem it yet, but you are at least on the right track. Even if she never fully accepts it, she knows about it and you won't need to hide it or lie about it. The fact that she is in dialogue and doesn't go to bed angry says a lot. I believe she is thinking about, even when you feel she isn't - trust me, women can hide their thoughts and emotions as well as we can. If you remain honest and never avoid the topic when asked as well are prepared to answer her questions without confusion on your part, it will show her that you accept yourself and are not ashamed of it, therefore she will view it more positively as well.

julia

[Valerie West]

The truth is, I think you have it pretty good. You have a dialogue that is not based in hate or disgust. There is hope. Has she ever seen any of your photos? You do look pretty good in the white outfit in your avatar. You are a classy lady, not trashy. The image you project is one that any of us would be proud of. You and your wife are in my prayers.
When the subject comes up around here, she's usually upset about something else entirely, and then is not a good time to come to grips that I have a basic need to wear a skirt. As a result, things are not talked about let alone handled, so they stay in my closet and I wait my turn which is oftentimes only 4 times a year. If you guys are talking, that in itself is a miracle. At least to me.
I wish you all the luck in the world.
Valerie

[Kim E]

Hey, Sis, I'm so sorry that the confrontation happened as it did. I think I know you fairly well, I know you are very sensitive of your wife's feelings and are able to communicate your thoughts in a calm and honest manner. Hopefully, the dialogue will continue and your wife, in the end, may see crossdressing in a whole new light.
I sure hope all the emails we've swapped about history and baseball didn't play a part in this. I would feel terrible, if it did.

Marla, if you need to PM or email me, you know where I am. I hope everything works out in a positive way. You're in my thoughts.

Love ~ Kim

[shea]

Marla, sorry to hear that your wifes know and not really happy about it. I guess when time goes by she'll understand you much more better and who knows have more fun time!.

[Lauren_T]

Well, I hardly have to tell you you have you work cut out for you, but at least - as we're all well aware from some of the girlses experiences - it could've been far worse...

[Dixie Darling]

Marla, just to let you know that you're not alone, you've pretty much described the way my wife reacts to the situation. She lets me know in no uncertain terms that she still thinks it's perverted, accuses me of getting turned on looking at/conversing with men who enjoy dresseing enfemme, uses crossdressing as a weapon whenever possible, and absolutely refuses to read or listen to anything further on the subject. The fact that we're born this way seems to make no difference at all and it's seen as something that we should be able to turn on and off like a light switch. Yes, it's almost impossible to describe to someone (other than another crossdresser or a truly understanding female) how we feel and what it is that drives us to want to dress. I'd venture a guess that your wife has also accused you of not being interested in women too, am I right? And when we tell 'em that there actually ARE wives out there who are accepting of their husband's NEED to do this, their attitude is something along the lines of, "Well, THEY must be weird too."

Just thought I'd chime in and let you know that you don't need to feel like you're by yourself.

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

[BrendaChristine]

I don't think her initial resistance is necessarily a bad thing. It is a bit of a shock at first for any woman I would think. But since she didn't throw you out or try to make you the "woman you want to be" in your sleep, and is talking about it, is a good sign. I think you will be ok. So how about that game last night?:)
B.

[Dayna]

Marla,

I can only hope for you that this opens a door for you and your wife.

[Stephanie Brooks]

<*sigh*>

Marla, I wish you the best. I know others have offered words of hope, and perhaps things will unfold that way. Conversely, you may as well be prepared for her to be increasingly antagonistic and intolerant toward "TGMarla". Logic may not matter; from what you posted, it doesn't matter much at the moment.

Good luck Lady, and hang in there.

*BIG WARM HUGGLES* to you!

[Kimberly]

I'm so sorry Marla - you're so supportive to this forum and its sisters... I can somewhat empathise with my father, but the discussion element just doesn't happen!

I hope that you can still remain who you want to be in some facet of your life... whether privatly or with a "to hell with it all," attitude.

Wishing you all the best xx

[Phoebe Reece]

I know this is a tough thing for you Marla, but as others have said, at least you and your wife are talking. It's when the wife refuses to talk about it that real trouble is brewing. It will take a lot of patience to get through this.

It may be early yet, but you might want to bring up the concept of boundaries. Once she understands that this is something you are not able to give up, she needs to work out with you what will cause the least problems in the house with your crossdressing. Will it be strictly at home when she is not around, or only at home in another room when she is around, only when out of town, etc. You might want to print and show her the "Wives and Crossdressers' Bill of Rights". See: http://www.tri-ess.org/Wives_CDs_BofR.html

Best of luck, however you handle this.

[TGMarla]

Oh, right you are, Steph. Thanks everyone for all the kind words of support. I should point out that this is not the first time at the ol' rodeo. I've said all along here that she knew I crossdressed. It just never came up as a topic of conversation. I was careful to keep my CD related activities away from her. But I admit to having been careless. This forum can be addictive, and I stay curious as to what goes on here. Thus, I was browsing it while she was home. My fault. Perhaps subliminally, I wanted to get caught at something just to get the topic out in the open again. And no, Kim, and everyone else too, our conversations and e-mails had nothing to do with it.

I appreciate everyone's comments, especially as I know I've never conversed or corresponded with some of you. Amazing, this group! Can't help but shake my head and smile.

Valerie, I'm not sure I want her to see the pix of me in that white dress. Some of the clothes I wear are hers, so that's a bit of a violation. (Heck, she doesn't wear them...) Others, of course, are mine. But that white one....well....that's what she was wearing the night I proposed to her about 12 years ago. She discarded it for some reason, and I rescued it for myself. Too pretty to let it go, and it has sentimental value to me. But if she saw me in it....well, I just don't know.

Right now, I think she really wants this out of sight and out of mind...again. She's the first to say that like most women, she likes MANLY men. (She's also the first to say what "most" "normal" people are like.) But she's also lamented the history of utter d**k-heads she dated when she was a single woman. I'm that way too, sometimes, but I try not to be. Anyway, she thinks I need serious counselling for a variety of reasons that go clear back to my childhood. I may consider it, if for no other reason, it will give me an outlet, someplace to vent a little. Who knows? It may even help.

Thanks for the link to the "Bill of Rights", Phoebe.

Remember those ridiculous "magic" 8-balls that told your future? Mine says "The future is murky".

[Christina Nicole]

Most women will remark about other women. My wife has said, "She looks great in that," and "She has a cute figure." I have overheard other women saying the same types of things to their husbands or friends. Are we to assume that they are all lesbians since they are looking at women in dresses? Maybe you can try a context shift with your wife and show that what you are doing on-line pretty much parallels what happens so often in life that she probably doesn't even notice it anymore.

Unfortunately, TG people have been their own worst enemies in some respects. A spouse can go to any CD, TV, TG, or TS forum and find lots of posts from men who want an encounter with another man. Usually there's something in those posts about "feeling more fem", "more completely a woman", or "only when I'm dressed." A lot of CDs also spend a lot of time in gay bars and around the gay community. While the reason for this is understandable, gays aren't hostile to TGs, one of the side effects is that people like Marla's wife can point to those web sites and say "See! I told you so!"

Fortunately, on-line isn't the only resource, nor is it the best resource. There's a lot of literature out there that has good, scientific research behind it that views transgenderism in a positive or at least neutral light. Of course, if you can convince your wife to talk over these issues with you and a therapist who is familiar with GID, so much the better. Personally, I'd keep my wife away from the on-line stuff. There is as much that's problematic and counter productive as there is that is helpful.

Warmest regards
Christina Nicole.

P.S.
The second paragraph is not a value judgement. But it does reflect some of the problems that I have had and the problems of others I know who have pointed wives and girlfriends to on-line resources.

C.N.

[Julie York]

As someone without a SO I find it all a bit hard to relate to as I am a curious (and I hope intelligent) person. If my girlfriend liked to dress as a kangeroo in her spare time I'd spend hours and hours reading studying and asking, just trying to understand it. I might be shocked, amazed or disgusted but I'd damn well want to UNDERSTAND.

I would hope if I did meet someone special that she'd do the same for me if I revealed my interests.

Good luck anyway.
Did you ever think about getting her to write down every...and I mean EVERY question she can think of in a word document...and you answer them clearly in your own time?

:thumbsup:

[MisterMissy]

Wow, Marla, like, totally, I know.
I'm halfway there myself.

You're gonna do fine.

[DonnaT]

Most women will remark about other women. My wife has said, "She looks great in that," and "She has a cute figure." I have overheard other women saying the same types of things to their husbands or friends. Are we to assume that they are all lesbians since they are looking at women in dresses? Maybe you can try a context shift with your wife and show that what you are doing on-line pretty much parallels what happens so often in life that she probably doesn't even notice it anymore.

I was going to type something similar.

Even as accepting as my wife is, she refuses to join the forum and talk to the other GGs. She'll even comment that I have my online friends for support, and she has no one she can talk to. Yet, she refuses to go online with other SOs.

I don't know why.

All you can do is what you are already doing, Marla, keeping the lines of communication open. Don't push, however.

[Clarissa3d]

hey Marla,

I am so glad that your wife is tolerant, it does show she loves you regardless (to a degree). I went through a very rough time with my ex and I even went to 3 counselors to appease her. All she would tell me in a calm voice was just stop it! Then the yelling would start :(

I will keep a prayer for you that you can work out some common ground with her. Remember to give her time and room.

I know I think of all the things I should have done and didn't. Maybe if I can suggest to others it may help.

Best wishes

[Jodi Lynn]

Hi Marla,
While reading your post I was thinking that I could have writen the same one. I know I was careless when I was found out, I left a bre where she could find it. And I think I did it because I wanted her to find it. We don't talk about it much, but we have had some talks about it. Had the same questions about other girls pictures, names, e-mails, being gay, etc. Only thing different is that mine has seen pictures of Jodi. I showed here everthing, my cloths, my wig, my makeup, my yahoo account and pictures. One of the the frist thing she said about one of pictures was that's my pink sweater and diamond necklace. She knows I come to this forum and that I chat on yahoo. About a week ago the subject came up again, she asked if I was still dressing. I didn't lie this time I said yes. She asked why. I really didn't answer her. I asked her how it was hurting her. She just said that I know she doesn't like it and for that reason I shouldn't do it. One thing that was different this time was there was no yelling, no swearing, and no name calling, by eather of us. Well that was the end of that for that day, nothing else said. So, I guess we are in the same boat or at least in the same lake. GOOD LUCK with the job interview.

[Adrianne]

Hello Marla, i wish you all the luck, i hopee she will join this forum so she can learn so much from other GG, just take your time and not push her.
I hope 2006 will be a better year, the year your wife supports you.

[Jodi]

Hi Marla, Hope all goes well, and you can continue a dialogue. As for info on SO's.--Two weeks ago at Erie Gala, about 25% of the attendees (cd's) had their SO with them. There were 4 others girls who have understanding SO's that were not able to make the trip due to commitments.

If you need other info, please PM me.

Jodi

[Jenny1]

At first my fiancee was very understanding but slowly the anger filtered its way through. We got round most of our problems by reading a couple of books. One is called My husband Betty and the other My husband wears my clothes. I can't remember the authors and I can't get to the books at the moment. I can find out if you let me know.
I dont expect for one second that you could persuade your wife to read them but they explain how the wife feels in these situations. For instance their own femininity but questioned, something we have done for most of our lives but something your wife may have accepted without thought and therefore she now feels threatened. I found that understanding your partners feelings as opposed to making second guesses has really helped the pair of us. And please don't think I am suggesting you don't take your partners feeling into account as I am sure you do.

I wish you and your wife the best of luck as I am sure if she got to know you Marla, she would love what she sees!

[melissacd]

Marla,

In as much as your wife is responding in a negative way, she is at least engaging in a dialog of sorts. Given enough time and communication, assuming that she has a deep love for you, she may well come around. You present yourself in a warm, sensitive, caring, appropriate feminine fashion. As they say, time heals all and you are already farther down the track than many of us. To me it would seem a blessing and a great opportunity that she knows and is willing to discuss the matter even if she does not yet accept or understand.

Keep the conversation going, show her love and patience, be an open book, show her this is not a threat, rather it is a gift. Help her understand that this is a big part of what she fell in love with (even if she does not yet recognize that).

I will cross all my fingers and toes and hope that this works out for you.

Good Luck,

Mel

[Julia Cross]

The books are by Peggy Ed.D Rudd, and they are very good reading. I have lent them to several women who really found them useful.

Julia

[jennifer easton]

Marla the girls have said every thing that has crossed my mind. bless your heart,I know how you feel, it's the deer in the head lights, and then you cuss your self for being so careless! but it has given you reason to talk agin maybe this will be the time that she will want to learn more about Marla, your in my thought and prayers.
xoxoxJennifer

[Rachel Morley]

that white dress....well....that's what she was wearing the night I proposed to her about 12 years ago. She discarded it for some reason, and I rescued it for myself. Too pretty to let it go, and it has sentimental value to me. But if she saw me in it....well, I just don't know.

Hi Marla,

I feel for you sweetie :( Is there any remote chance that perhaps maybe she might be able to understand that the sentimental value that you have towards that white dress is because of her, and that if you put your body where hers once was it somehow makes you feel closer to her? i.e you're trying to emulate the woman that you love?

I know this might sound crazy to your wife but I am am doing my best try to help. The idea of wearing each other's clothes to feel closer to one another is something that Marla and I like to think is true.

good luck

[Helana]

Marla

As others have said at least she is talking about it. For sure this is churning her up inside even if she is pretending to be calm about it. I think it is important that you take this opportunity to keep the doors open and tell her openly that this issue must be talked about over and over again so that she can reach an understanding and not let this become an open sore and ruin your relationship. Tell her how much you need and appreciate her to be open about this.

I believe that when someone refuses to let go of their prejudices it is because their prejudices are being sustained by fear - fear of the unknown, fear of homosexuality, fear of GRS, fear of public ridicule, fear of employment, fear of her own femininity etc. While you are busy answering all her questions as best as you can this is often not enough. Simply giving her information will not necessarily conquer her deep rooted fears.

She needs to confront her fears and intollerence herself. This can be done through counciling or by reading good books, however if she refuses these options then you will need to do it yourself. You need to ask her fundamental questions that will make her analyse her beliefs. Ask her questions like why is it ok for women to wear masculine clothes and not the other way around? Why is it wrong for a man to feel pretty? Dont push her for an immediate answer but ask her to think about it for a day or two and give her answer later. If you can undermine the structures which uphold her prejudices then it will dawn on her that her fears are ill-founded and she will gradually change her perceptions.

But this is a slow process so it will take a lot of patience and love on your part. You have to keep talking though, sweeping the issue under the carpet is not an option for either of you! Good luck.

[sarahjan]

My wife found out a few year ago and I didn't know what to do. I was speaking to a friend of mine who ran a dressing service and she told me to give my wife time and not to force the issue now she knew. I followed her advice and slowly overtime she care round. She also went throught the "all crossdresser are gay" bit.

Slowly she started buying Sarahjane the odd thing, then she helped buy underwear and eventually asked to meet her. Some times at Christmas there is are items under the tree for Sarahjane. She has her ups and downs getting generally she is very supportive.

Some Crossdressers once their wifes find out seem to think its time to go into freefall and try to found the feem them down their wife's throat all they do is crush a once supporting wife.

Please don't feel I am trying to preach but just give your wife time and best of luck

luv

Sarahjane

[Shannon]

Marla,
It is unfortunate that this time at the rodeo started more as 'getting caught' and confrontation rather than something you, or her, initiated. However, the way to described things, it does sound as if it was more a conversation and dialogue than argument (perhaps I'm misinterpreting things).
People are going to react the way they are going to react; it sounds as if you are being respectful of her reactions. That is important.
My ex "found out" two or three times. Then things would get swept under the rug and back into the closet, only to resurface years later, when it seemed she had forgotten all about the last time she "found out". (Caveat here is that my therapist thought my ex had little reality-contact). Perhaps you are at the point now that you may see some longer-term benefit of not letting things return to how they were without some more clarity, more resolution, that can only come about through honest dialog and open communication. If your wife isn't ready for that, it will be unfortunate. I think it is important that you can look in the mirror and know that you did the best you know how.
My thoughts will be with you.

[Holly]

Marla, I can't add much to what has already been said. You, of course, have my fullest support and best wishes. If you would allow me one thought, a person who is confident will generally cause those aound them to be confide nt in what they see and hear. Be ready to answer her questions. Go over what you would anticipate she would ask and have the answers prepared in advance. This may even be a good time for you to clarify some of the "whys" in your own mind. If nothing else, it will give you a fresh vision of yourself. You and your wife are in my prayers.

[Sharon]

Marla,
I've read your post a few times now since you've posted it, and have refrained from answering because I really haven't anything different to add to what's already been said so well by the other members.

One thought I have is that you need to understand that your wife (probably) feels your marriage is threatened by your crossdressing. That is why the number one question is always "are you gay." This is obviously why she has made her comments on you seeming to like at men in dresses.

SO's often look, not only at the immediate fact that we enjoy wearing feminine clothing, but at where this behavior may lead. They (sometimes) think that if they allow us to fully embrace this desire, that it will inevitably lead to a desire to dress full-time or to wish to experience, in more intimate ways, other means of expressing our femininity.

I have read just about everything you have written in this forum, and I have also had the pleasure of briefly chatting with you, and I believe that your communication skills and sensitivity to other's feelings and opinions will be most valuable in getting your wife to understand your desires and appreciate the limits of your own needs.

The key is to keep communicating with her. Don't bludgeon her with it, but you should regularly attempt to speak with her about your crossdressing. Try to get her to admit her fears about it and any preconceived prejudices she may have about men who wear female clothing. Tell your wife that no matter what stories she has seen in the past concerning crossdressing, that you are not exactly like any of those people she has read about or seen on television. You are still you, no matter if she ever sees you in finery or not. All her accepting you will do is to make your marriage a more open and honest one.

Good luck to you, Marla, and I hope everything goes well. I have faith in both you and your wife that it will.

[Lotte L]

Dear Marla,

As your wife knows now::) do'nt hide and do'nt provoke. Only step by step the both of you will come closer to eachother on this subject. The discussion you discribed forces you in defence, and as we all know defence is'nt open. I know the feeling of that knot inside, it hearts. Women of cd often have that fear that they come secondplace or eaven have lost their man. We all know that is'nt so. We prefer next to our roll as loving spous also to be one of her best girlfriends. On that level your in heaven, I hope you to can reach so far toghetter.

Love,
Lotte L

[RachelDenise]

Marla, you have my hope and prayers for a good outcome. You have at least started to talk which is more than I can say for me. I can only hope that you can get some resolution to your dilemma. I'll be thinking of you and hoping that it gets better. Good luck!:)

[Stephenie]

Marla, Hope things are well with you and your wife today.

Jodi said that your inthe same boat or lake, yes I think that alot of us are and the lake is getting crowded.

[TGMarla]

Wow. What a response! I never expected so many thoughts from all of you on this, and I cannot adequately express how much I appreciate it. So, where to begin this time? Hmmm........


Is there any remote chance that perhaps maybe she might be able to understand that the sentimental value that you have towards that white dress is because of her, and that if you put your body where hers once was it somehow makes you feel closer to her? i.e you're trying to emulate the woman that you love?

Well, I'd never conciously thought of it that way, but I think that you have something there. I knew there was a reason I like that dress so much more than just because it's pretty. And I think, should it ever come to that point, that she'd actually like that response. In fact, thinking about that dress in that way makes me feel good about it. Thanks.

As for the usual books, My Husband Betty and My Husband Wears My Clothes, certainly they would be appropriate here. But I actually have never read them myself. I should do so, and I cannot expect her to read them with an open mind at this time, especially if I have not done so myself. It's an idea that will remain active, but on the shelf for the moment.

Many of you have stressed the need to keep the lines of communication open without ramming Marla down her throat. I agree completely, especially since we are now on day 2 after "The Talk, Part II" with no further communication on this topic. It's on its way back under the rug, unless I intervene with it. I have counselled others to write down their thoughts to better organize them without saying anything you will regret later. So I'm going to take my own advice. I'm going to address all her questions and fears in writing. This will also give her a reference to go back to if any of these fears resurface.

I have to mention that our marriage has not always been this bed of roses. We have had our struggles, especially over her son. He was quite a handful. I was shut out of any decision making over him very early on in our marriage. That alone caused problems. She raised him as a very good mother, but a very poor single parent. She did not place any boundaries on him, or provide any discipline for him. The result was tragic. He gravitated towards hard-core rap music, and the lifestyle it glorifies. He attacked me on three occasions over really insignificant stuff. He simply was no match for me, and I subdued him each time without hurting him. He was angry and bitter towards life and the world he lived in. He ended his own life two years ago with a gunshot to his head, shattered over the rejection of a girl, his head full of conspiracy theories that people were out to get him, fostered no doubt, by the awful stuff he listened to all the time. She has been a broken shell of herself ever since. The enormous grief she has been left with is indescribable. The last thing she needs to deal with on top of all this is a crossdressing husband who feels a little stifled in his little closet.

So the "deep love" thing might not be there, or at least not strong enough to sustain us through this should I press the issue. Maybe that's not a bad thing, though, as we have come close to divorce a few times before. I love her very much, but then, I feel love for many people who are not my wife. I think I will get counselling, too. You are all very wonderful and supportive, but someone professional may be of help here. Obviously there are a lot of issues to confront.

Please keep up with any more input you may have. I read them all, and I appreciate you all. If I do not respond directly to you, please take no offense. I am reading your posts, and I thank you for your input. I will also continue to respond on this forum as I have before. I'm in the soup right now, but I'm not going away.

[Julia Cross]

WOW, Marla, thank you for sharing something so personal I am truly saddened to hear your story. After reading your last post, it is obvious there is much more at play here. I really believe counselling would help here and is indeed necessary. You and her have many issues to overcome and a professional would be extremely useful in helping here.

It sounds like she is still dealing with some real grief and has strong opinions of what she expects and thinks is normal. Perhaps now is not the time to push the dressing issue. If you really feel it is time, then you need to determine how important your marriage is comapred to your need to express your true self. only you know this answer but counselling would help in sorting through the many feelings you are likey going through.

I went to counselling as my marriage failed, she went as well. It made me feel better and cleared my head.

I sound like a wonderful, caring person. Please take care of yourself. My thoughts are with you.

julia

[Charlene Marie]

Marla, congradulations, sounds like this discusion was overdo. I got similar questions when I told my wife, but we worked it all out. You have been patient with her and I commend you for that. You love her and she loves you, and with that I'm sure you can come to a better understanding of this thing we just have to do. Good Luck to you both.

[Keri]

When you stated that you gal is the first to say that, like most women, she likes MANLY men, it struck me as so relevant to my own situation. My lady has stated so so often that, if she'd wanted to marry a gal, she'd have been a lesbian. I've tried to point out the benefits of NOT being wed to a wham-bam-thank-you-mam type of guy, but she's not buying.

I wish you well with your wife. I've been maried 30+ years and, while we've had our differences - especially over me being "into" feminine apparel - our differences never outweighed our compassion for each other "in sickness or in health, ... in drab or enfemme, ... 'till death do us part."

[Marla]

You are very lucky to now have a dialogue. If my wife finds out it would be a divorce(middle class values and all that crap) Im not sure I would care at this point
good luck hon!!

[DanaJ]

Marla - :hugs: wow babe, I feel for you. I offer my wishes for it to all work out for the best, and I think writing down you thoughts is a good idea. Good luck, if you need to talk I am only a YM away :)

[uknowhoo]

Marla, sweetie, I too am saddened to hear of your situation. I can relate to alot of it myself. I don't have much to add that hasn't been said already. Just know that you are in the thoughts and prayers of hundreds of your sisters here. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I know it's been of great value to many dealing with similar situations. All the best. Tammi

[Kaitlyn Michele]

marla

nothing i can add but i'll be rooting for a good outcome for you guys!

i am going thru it to in a different way and we are 9 months into my revealing the crossdressing side of me..we are not doing well at this point but you never know..
the most i get from my wife is that it bothers her, she cant understand it and its a huge turn off..she wont talk about it really at all

anyway

all the best to you

michele

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

Marla, I'm sorry to hear about some of the additional details. I'm not one to rush people off to counseling, but it sounds like it might be beneficial in this situation given the other issues going on. It sounds like your wife has let the dead bury the living, and while it's understandable that she would grieve terribly, it doesn't sounds like she's in a healthy place. And given where she's at, counseling for yourself might be good to help you figure out how to cope with that, as well as address the other issues you've alluded to.

We're of course willing to listen and help, but a professional will have knowledge and tools that we don't.

[Deborah]

Hiya TGMarla. I hope everything goes well for you.

Watch out for that Deep love that you mentioned. Sometimes it's there and you don't know it. Then if you get divorced you realize your mistake to late.
Just ask my ex-wife.:rolleyes:

[VickySTG]

Marla let your wife see this it might help.

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showpost.php?p=257719&postcount=4

[TGMarla]

Thank you, ladies. I appreciate the input. Things aren't as cold as I'd have imagined. I've PM'd some of you, and talked and messaged others. I am grateful for all the support. You know, considering the fact that I only joined this forum in early October, it's amazing to me the level of support that has been given to me. Thank you, everyone.

My wife and I aren't fighting about anything. She's not exactly acting really close to me, but it could be a lot worse. I mean a very lot worse. So I'm hopeful that this is a good sign.

Marlena, I could not agree with your response more. You rock. I'm going to look into counselling in the next week. Perhaps I can kick the ol' closet door open, learn to deal with the whole suicide thing a bit better, help my wife, and still be able to be who I am all at the same time.

I really had never planned to discuss my wife's son's suicide here on this forum. It really has nothing to do with crossdressing, except that he was a member of my family, and I crossdress. He was originally the one who caught me (red-handed wearing a lovely yellow skirt and matching short-sleeved sweater) and spilled this information to my wife. He then told his cousin, and his cousin probably told everyone he knew, including every member of my wife's family he could get his hot little hands on. My extended family, however, has never treated me with anything less than complete dignity and class. Props to them. So when my wife and I had our little talk the other night, it really wasn't "part 2", it was actually "part 3". But when her son spilled it to everyone, I panicked, came up with a halfway decent lie, and used it as an excuse. It wasn't until just over a year ago that I was fully honest and forthright with her. And I was that way with her this time, too. As uncomfortable as it is, honesty really is what's best, especially when talking with your loved ones.

[sherri]

RE: slipping things back under the rug, Sharon's advice seems spot on to me.

One thought - I've had a rather forceful personality and agenda most of my life, something I've worked on changing the last few years. Being forceful may work for Donald Trump, but not so well for me. My point is, the more patient I am, the more room I give other people to shape our relationships, the better things seem to go. This doesn't mean that I'm totally passive, or that I have abandoned my own principles or desires, but that I have developed gentler ways of influence. Doing the Ghandi, kind of.

[Katie Ashe]

Hi sweetie. Outside of PM'ing. I want to say, your right on track with your wife, be honest and upfront. Try to be the open book, that is a good thing. My wife had a hard time at first too. What I didn't tell you was she was happy to find out I was the other girl, and that I wasn't cheating. At that point she shifted to... I'm ok with this, lets talk.

To everyone, whom has SO'ers. We know it tough living in a closet, scared, in denial, etc... what ever your reason maybe. But know this... Your not alone. Being here for eachother is the best medicine, truely.

Marla your Avatar is truely very nice :thumbsup:

[Stephenie]

Hope things are going better now. For me they are still in flux. From she ahtes it to it is what is wrong with the world and it's my fault.

Hang in there we're all pulling for you.

[Danii]

Hi Marla, Just wanted to lend support to you and let you know I was thinking about your situation and hope all works out for you. Looks like you have been given alot of good advice so hang in there.

Dani :angel:

[Sarahgurl371]

Marla, sorry I been away for a while. Sorry I didn't get to respond to your need for some help as quickly as you have done with mine.

IMO, you are certainlly capable of explaining this to her, All your posts are so very well thought out, and so well organized. You truly feel like a wonderful person to me, it seems to eminate from your writing. I hope this all works out for the best. If times get tough, remember to Love yourself above all else. You are worth it!

My wife still won't come here. Despite all the anxiety and stress this is causing, some peole just don't want to open up thier eyes. I guess thats ok, cuz I don't want to close mine.

As far as counseling, it was good for me. It helped to bounce some things off a professional. Just be sure and pick the right one, they are human as well.

Again, as others have stated, sorry about your step son. I hope that your wife, and you, can / have grieve appropraitely, and then get on with her / your lives.

One word of caution though, it seems as though she may be the type who holds on to the past and cannot let go. My wife is this way, and it has caused tremendous problems with regards to resolving my Tg stuff, and our marital issues. Counseling may be a very good idea for her. Sometimes loving somebody is pushing them when they cannot move. Maybe she could greatly benefit in the quality of her life from therapy. just a thought.

PM if you feel that will help.


God Bless