Help me to understand my CD husband please. (LONG post)

[WIFE GG/SO]

I've been married to a wonderful, kind, caring, hardworking, supportive and crossdressing man for almost 20 years now. We are in our early 50's. I love him so very much. We have two adult children and four grandchildren. We have built a good life together.

He told me about the crossdressing before he married me. He was completely honest. He felt it had ruined his first two marriages and didn't want to ruin a third marriage. He agreed to certain "rules" and so did I. He has broken these rules occassionally throughout the marriage.

Mostly my rules are that NOBODY in our small town finds out. It is a small town and very conservative. A few times in our marriage I have found out that he went shopping for clothes at Walmart or Payless shoes in town, and that has been a point of contention between us. I don't want him to get caught. He has since agreed to only shop while out of town or online. As far as I know he is abiding by this promise.

His crossdressing has increased lately. Now he shaves his legs and armpits and wears women's underwear and pantyhose under his clothes for work. He does not wear a bra. I have agreed to this...just praying he doesn't get into an accident or something to be found out. (plus, I of course don't want him to have an accident for his health either!)

I am so very, very afraid that this is just getting bigger and bigger. He said that he is more content than he's ever been, that just dressing in women's underwear relieves the "urges" a lot. I'm afraid that it is making them worse. I dread the day that I find out he has been crossdressing in public. I cannot silence these fears.

One other problem...every since he started shaving his legs and armpits I've found that I cannot seem to participate sexually with him. It is a turn off for me. I've tried to talk myself out of feeling this way, but those smooth legs and arms just bother me sexually. I am attracted to manly men, and this is so feminine. I don't like it.

My question...what do I do? I find it difficult to tell him that he can't shave and paint his toenails and wear women's underclothes after I've given him my agreement to these things. It wouldn't be fair.

And the big question...I've read the answer but need to hear it again. He says he in NO WAY wants to become a woman...but I'm so scared. I'm scared he's going to tell me some morning that he wants to become a woman. Is it possible that just dressing as he is will be enough for him? I can't bring myself to go shopping with him or to see him fully dressed. I just know it would be bad for me to see. So I never have. Is that wrong of me?

I feel like such a bad wife. Like I'm not accepting him for who he is...but I just can't seem to give more ground where this is concerned. He says he's very happy with the way things stand. Will it stay this way or will he want to increase the cross dressing?

Sorry that I've rambled on so much, but I have so many fears and worries.

Thanks for any response.

Di

[Kaz]

Hey... calm down... you are in a safe place...

I am so glad you landed here because this is probably the best landing spot for you... we are a great community :hugs:

On the immediate post...I am totally shaven except for my head, which ironically does not have a lot of hair... I like it! It feels great...

I am a crossdresser... am I not gay.. no, actually quite the opposite..

I am married and have three great daughters who have all left home and are now my friends and I have 1 granddaughter..

Welcome to the forum...

[Alice B]

It is a very difficult thing to answer your questions because I for one know nothing about your relationship, other than what you write. In my marriage, once I realized that I wanted and like to cross dress I immediately told my wife. We also reached agreements about when and how, with her major concern being the same as yours. Over the years I have advanced my participation by also shaving my entire body and having painted toe nails. But I'm very careful about not exposing myself to anyone, other than those that know, which is our entire extended family, Only because they are all very open minded and I do not dress in front of them. But, to your major point. I have no desire to become a woman, but truly enjoy wearing nothing but woman's underwear, nighties to bed, etc. I would guess that your husband is the same. He is just testing the waters as far as he can and will arrive at some sort of balance. This may be his mid-life crisis. As to your sexual encounters I can only say that for him it would be a major turn on to have you caress his shaved body parts, but thast would be a major adjustment for your mental well being. Maybe some serious discussion with him and possible joint counciling might help. I doubt that he will want to step back to not shaving at this point. Once you start shaving it is very difficult to quit because of the pleasure derived from it. Good luck.

[Stephanie47]

You may want to ask him what finally caused the failure of his first two marriages. I can see where the ground rules that were established have been slowly chipped away. It seems if you give him an inch, he takes a mile. I can see that you are thinking, "OK, if I give him some more latitude, that's will satisfy him." Frankly, I personally do not think a successful marriage can exist, if one party keeps pushing his or her own agenda at the peril of the other. As a cross dresser married to an non accepting wife, I would not wave my panties in her face. You are justified in asking to revisit your acquiescence on the issues because you realize it is NOT working for YOU.

PS: Don't wait until his retirement to address these issues!

[Meghan]

Please don't view this is a negative reply...because it's not meant to me either mean or negative. People and couples outgrow agreements. It sounds like you need to talk more and worry less about hurting feelings and just talk to him.

What is the outcome you're seeking? Is it for him to agree to suppress these desires and go back to being a manly man? Are you looking for ways to be attracted to the changed him, or something in between those two extremes? Or, are you looking for a magic pill to make this all disappear?

I hope your goal is to understand what's happening from his point of view, and for him to understand and appreciate your point of view. If you are going to stay together as a team, you have to be able to trust each other and re-calibrate your relationship in ways you both can live with. Trust me, if one of you is unhappy the other will be too.

Good luck and I hope you find the clarity you are looking for.

Meghan

[goodnhose]

Hi! Just wanted to say I feel for you. I'm single so i'm fortunate that I have no real boundaries when it comes to my dressing. I know you have a lot of fear concerning your husbands dressing but one thing that strikes me is the recent sexual issue with his shaving. Tell him how it hurts you and is causing you anxiety that he's shaving. Maybe you can get him to agree to stop shaving and switch from pantyhose to tights this would give him the feel he likes, cover his leg hair and give you some of his masculinity back.

[WIFE GG/SO]

Thanks for your responses.

Am I looking for the magic pill to stop all this...yes, yes I'd LOVE that. There, I said it. But that doesn't mean that I don't love my husband and that doesn't mean that I haven't accepted this part of him. I have accepted as much as I can. I push my limits with this all the time. Sometimes I get angry (although I don't say anything to him) because it seems like I am the only one that is giving in.

I go to therapy because I suffer from severe depression. My therapist has educated me that this is not something he can just shut off. But she encourages me to negotiate rules. I have tried to do so, but he has broken the agreements that we have made. Now I find that I don't trust him. I still love him to pieces, but no trust is an issue.

Let me be clear, I DO NOT want a divorce. Even if he was found walking downtown fully dressed tomorrow and the whole town knew, I wouldn't leave him. I know that love like ours is rare, and it IS real. I'm not saying it wouldn't be damn hard to cope, but somehow, I would.

I just need to know...would many of you go back to not shaving after doing it for months? One of you posted that it would be difficult for him to stop now. That scares me. It's like this thing is alive...can't it be controlled?

THAT is indeed my question...are most of you able to control these urges? CAN you limit the activity, or is it out of your hands.

I equate it to smoking. I used to smoke for 20 years. My husband HATED, HATED, HATED the fact that I smoked. I finally agreed to quit. It was so hard to quit, and even now, 15 years later I still want a cigarette at times. Sometimes I REALLY want a cigarette, but I don't do it. I know CD'ing is probably not equal to smoking, but in a way it seems the same.

I'm just trying to be a good, supportive wife. But my therapist says I have to think of myself at times also. I have always found it difficult to do this. I believe I should be (and AM) thankful to have such a supportive, loving man. But still...things scare me. I guess I'm not making a whole lot of sense here. I thank you for reading this.

Di

[ReineD]

Hi WIFE and welcome. And no, you are not a bad wife.

I'm a genetic woman as well, and one of the hardest things to deal with is the ever changing landscape of our partners' cross-gender needs. It's not a stretch to wonder, if they keep raising the bar will they ever reach a point where they are satisfied with where they're at or does the CDing necessarily progress to the point where they will want to live full time. Like it or not, when a male crossdresses, the message is that he prefers a feminine expression to being a male.

Anyway, I'm here to tell you that there is an end point providing your husband is a crossdresser and not transsexual, which he says he isn't and I would believe him. However, the end goal for most crossdressers is to do more than just put on the clothes to stay at home. They (most) want to experience what it is like to be seen and treated as a woman by others, IF they feel they can get away with it. Your husband has already reached this point and since he feels he cannot go out in public, he is ramping it up in other areas as a form of relief.

One solution might be for your husband to dress in the next town over or if this is not possible, to join a gender support group in a nearby city and attend the meetings on a regular basis, even if it means an overnight trip. This is what my SO did for years. I have to say that this does entail body shaving, since no CDer wants tell-tale male signs when he is out in public. If you are not attracted to your husband's bare legs and arms, the only solution is for your husband to just shave once per month in anticipation of an outing, and let it grow back the rest of the time.

This may not be the ideal for either one of you, but it might be a viable compromise for now.

[Gillian Gigs]

A marriage is an ever evolving relationship, so it only stands to reason that agreements and compromises will need to be updated or changed from time to time. My wife has been very generious with my "quirks", and I greatly appreciate it. We talk about just about everything all of the time so things never really get to far out of wack. What can I say other than I like to dress with "style", womens lingerie and skirts are my "style". Open communication is important, whether it is to reassure you, or him. It doesn't matter if you see him dressed or not, the point is love and acceptance. I understand the part about being in a small town, tongues will wag whether you give them something or not. Live could be easier if you both went to another town and shopped together, no one will think twice about the two of you shopping. It is one way to ease yourself into some talking about this part of his life. As men get older, unfortunately they get more hair. If he is like me, I would be happy with hair on the top of my head, and nowhere else. So what is really the big deal, a possible compromise is for him to shave some parts and trim other spots. Sit down and talk, that is the best way to remove the fears and worries.

[Jenniferathome]

Hi Di, let me reiterate Reine's comment: you are NOT a bad wife. Quite the opposite. Your tolerance of his cross dressing is nothing short of fantastic.

Regarding the "does he want to be a woman" comment, if he is like the typical cross dresser, the answer is no. I am a cross dresser. I am a straight, married father of three. I'm "normal" (that still kills me!). I happen to shave my legs (started with biking but I liked it as well). My wife, like you, prefers harry legs. I have seen this same comment in many threads. I always found that odd than a woman would care about leg hair. Humans are funny. I never liked my body hair.

Maybe it's more your fear of his possible "transition" that is causing the sexual distance for you. Please, talk to him about this subject. You have had a great life together, don't stop now. If it bothers you, tell him. Tell him why. Ask about his interest in a transition. He'll be shocked that you ask him this by the way. Every normal cross dresser would. But everything is fair game in a relationship.

[marcy77]

You are a good wife. A bad one wouldn't have accepted it at all. If this has ruined his 2 previous marriages 20 years ago, he's been doing this a long time and he's not going to change now. I've been with my wife for 6 years now and I was honest with her as well from the begining. She actually loves my shaved body and finds it to be a great turn on. Maybe it would be easier to understand crossdressing as a hobby rather than a lifestyle. Everyone has hobbies, and everyone decides on their own how far into their hobby they want to go. I know a guy who loves football and takes the time to memorize where every quarterback in the NFL went to college. And I also know a guy who loves football that ONLY watches the Dallas Cowboys play and nothing else. How far they are into their hobby and where they will go in the future no one can know for sure, not even him. Time heals all wounds and maybe you can get used to the idea of him being more feminine than you would like. You've stuck around for 20 years, there's got to be more to him than what he likes to wear. I believe that he genuinely enjoys dressing up and if he feels that he can't do it around you then he will feel compelled to do it away from you, and if he want's to do it more often he will eventually start to look for reasons to be apart from you more often. That could be a very bad thing.

[Meghan]

It's like this thing is alive...can't it be controlled?

THAT is indeed my question...are most of you able to control these urges? CAN you limit the activity, or is it out of your hands.

I equate it to smoking. I used to smoke for 20 years. My husband HATED, HATED, HATED the fact that I smoked. I finally agreed to quit. It was so hard to quit, and even now, 15 years later I still want a cigarette at times. Sometimes I REALLY want a cigarette, but I don't do it. I know CD'ing is probably not equal to smoking, but in a way it seems the same.

I'm just trying to be a good, supportive wife. But my therapist says I have to think of myself at times also. I have always found it difficult to do this. I believe I should be (and AM) thankful to have such a supportive, loving man. But still...things scare me. I guess I'm not making a whole lot of sense here. I thank you for reading this.

Di

Your smoking analogy is probably not too far from home. I am sure, for a lot of people, there's a huge dopamine release when they dress, not unlike the reward system when it gets rewired by nicotine. My wife also smoked for years, I begged her to quit, and she relented almost a year to the day.

The problem is exactly the opposite, though. Suppressing this "thing" is unhealthy. It leads to depression and suicide for some, unrealized lives for others, and some can manage it without too much trouble. Everyone is different, but my experience is exactly what you're worried about, unfortunately...the female side of me is indeed "alive" and if I could wish it away, I would have done so long ago.

But, letting it out has it's benefits. I am increasingly organized, more social and a generally better person to be around because I am not constantly frustrated with the world. I would never go back to hairy anything. I am not sure I could even if I wanted to..."it" picked me. I spend lots of time thinking about "it" too. "It" is a blessing and a curse, but we treat it as a blessing because who wants to live a cursed existence?

You do need to put yourself first. I am sure there are many positive ways he helps you, too.

Good luck, Di, and thank you for reaching out to the community, and if you do find the magic pill, get a patent and a copyright and start your own business. You'll make a fortune.

Meghan

[Miriam-J]

It's wonderful that you've been supportive through the years, despite a few incidents and habits that can certainly be disturbing.

I'd like to take a different tack from most of the responses you've received. If you and your husband really care for one another, as certainly appears to be the case, there's plenty of room for compromise in his crossdressing. It's quite reasonable to limit certain aspects of his crossdressing so that he's still attractive to you, if you can identify the triggers that matter to you. Please don't be afraid to raise the subject of boundaries needed by each of you to keep the spark alive in your relationship.

My wife and I have had this discussion numerous times through our four years together (I told her early on in our relationship). Along the way she related to me that one of the key aspects for her is retention of my chest hair (loves to run her fingers through), so I've adapted my clothing styles accordingly - high collars and long sleeves (since bare arms look odd when one has chest hair). In turn, she's accepted that I'll shave a little lower on my neck so it can be covered up, I occasionally shave my hands, and I love to paint my toenails. I don't shave my legs either, but that's as much my own preference as hers.

So, what are the triggers that cause you to be attracted or not attracted to the guy side of your husband? Could these aspects be reasonably retained while still allowing him to dress nicely? One nice thing about being in our 50s is that age appropriate clothing tends to be fairly conservative anyway, so he should be able to accommodate your 'guy cues' reasonably well.

When we enter into a long-term relationship, and especially a marriage, we agree to do the things that help our partner to love, honor, and care for us in all ways. I'm sure your husband will have some give on these matters if you just talk about it. And you can make it even more enjoyable and intimite by joining in with him on a shopping trip for the feminine clothing that accommodates your needs.

Best of luck. Feel free to send me a private message if you'd like to discuss privately.

Miriam

[TGMarla]

Hi Wife. I love your choice of screen names. It's perfect.

In many ways, with what little I know of you, you remind me much of my own wife. I could only hope that she feels the same about me as you do to your husband. I love and cherish her, and I'm sure your hubby feels the same for you. I've always said that crossdressing is a lousy reason for a perfectly good marriage to end. I don't want my marriage to end, and I know my wife doesn't either. That's a good foundation. Yours is probably the same.

I think it's safe to say that he does not feel the same alarm about all of this that you do. People tend to make hay while the sun shines. It's impossible for me to say just where my own boundaries might wind up if and when my own barriers lift. I can say that I'd probably stretch those boundaries a bit myself if given the chance. Take the shaving, for instance. It bothers you. My wife has said, same as you, that she is very attracted to rugged "manly" men. Now, I'm not exactly wimpy, but I still don't see how she landed on me if that was her goal. :battingeyelashes: In any case, given the chance, I would shave my legs more than I do now. I don't shave my arms, but I've shaved my hands from time to time. I haven't brought myself to shave my arms or my armpits, but I admit, going sleeveless or 3/4 sleeve now and then would be nice.

But even if I were to do all those things, it wouldn't mean that I'd want to transition. I'm committed to being my wife's husband. You're correct in that there is a bit of a slippery slope for some of us that leads to such things, but few of us ever get seriously down that road. Some do, and some do it later in life. But for most of us, it is not a road that we take.

I can't advise you on the under-dressing. I don't bother with under-dressing, and I have a bit of a rough time understanding it myself. But a lot of us do, and I doubt that under-dressing is something that you should be all that alarmed about.

To your question of whether this thing is alive or could be controlled - yes, it's very much alive, and for many, it wants not only to survive, but to thrive. It does take on a bit of a life of its own. That's not necessarily a bad thing, provided that it is controlled to some extent. And yes, with some effort and common sense, it can be controlled.

I've never smoked, but I can readily admit to the addiction reference. I'm about to go cold turkey. My dear wife is now working at home. And as of yet, we don't have the level of understanding that you and your husband have attained. I can only be so hopeful that after our oncoming serious discussion, she still feels for me as you still do for your husband. Until then, I pretty much have to quit "smoking".

Best of luck to you. You're correct to be concerned, since you easily see that he's pushing his boundaries on you. If I were you, and my husband was acting this way, I'd feel a little put out, too. I don't mean to be a hypocrite, but I'd have a difficult time if my wife was a crossdresser. What I excuse in myself, I fault in others, I guess. Sigh. But you may not have as much of a problem as you fear that you do. He's probably going to be just fine. I don't blame you a bit for not wanting to see him dressed, either. It doesn't make you a bad wife. It just means that you want to always have an image of him as your husband, and that's not bad at all.

But he'd probably love it if you accepted it all as normal, as much of a stretch as that may sound.

And you are making perfect sense.

[Kate Simmons]

In no way are you a "bad wife" Hon. You are just a woman who loves her husband very much. Keep doing that and my guides tell me you will both be fine.:battingeyelashes::)

[Bree Wagner]

I'll just chime in with another voice to tell you that you certainly aren't a bad wife. I bet there aren't nearly enough times you can hear that. If you were, you sure wouldn't be here trying to cope for your husband's sake.



If you are not attracted to your husband's bare legs and arms, the only solution is for your husband to just shave once per month in anticipation of an outing, and let it grow back the rest of the time.


Reine, as always, made tons of great points but since this is one I follow I'll elaborate. My wife is quite tolerant of my shaving, but she did love 'pelty' as she called my chest hair. I don't much care for my body hair, but it's an awful lot of work to get rid of it so if there's nothing coming up where I'd need it to be gone I'll let it grow. It's just a little thing to do to meet in the middle.




I equate it to smoking. I used to smoke for 20 years. My husband HATED, HATED, HATED the fact that I smoked. I finally agreed to quit. It was so hard to quit, and even now, 15 years later I still want a cigarette at times. Sometimes I REALLY want a cigarette, but I don't do it. I know CD'ing is probably not equal to smoking, but in a way it seems the same.


I've never smoked, so I can't be sure, but this seems like a great analogy to the way crossdressing is for some of us. There is way to much variety to say this applies to most or all crossdressers. For me, if I absolutely HAD to give it up for some reason I really think I could. Would I like that? No way. Would the desire still be there? Absolutely.


I'm "normal" (that still kills me!). .

I'll second that too! With all the quirks of humanity that are out there, this is probably pretty mild and 'normal.' I'm sure that doesn't make it any easier when it's personal and you are the one dealing with it. My wife often remarks that she'd be completely cool with anyone else's crossdressing, be it her best friend, someone else in the family, or just about anyone. But... with me it's challenging because of the levels on which it affects her.

Anyways, good luck Wife. Kudos to you for reaching out and doing what you can to deal with it. Your love for your husband is very clear.

All the best,
Bree

[docrobbysherry]

Wife, the good news is;
If he cares as much about u as u do him, u 2 will make it work!

The BAD news is;
As he ages, his testosterone will continue dropping and his dressing may accelerate! I didn't start dressing until I was over 50. Before then, the idea of wearing women's things never entered my mind. U can see from my pics where it's led me!

Let me add, I'm not a compulsive person. Have tried all of the following and have controlled my use of: tobacco, drugs, alcohol, TV, food, and various other addictive things. However, not only am I not able to control my dressing impulses, they seem to be accelerating lately! (I'm in my 60's now).

[Ressie]

Sounds like it's time to renegotiate with more in your favor. If he wants to bend the rules and crossdress more, you should get something that you want in exchange. Maybe he should put $100 toward your vacation every time he shaves his legs. If he must wear pantyhose under his pants every day, maybe he should in exchange do the dishes and give you a massage. Come up with your own ideas in regards to renegotiation and come to a new agreement.

[Sophia Frances]

Just my two cents:
I wish I could tell my wife. I feel like there is another woman I am cheating on my wife with....and she is me. It depresses me often, but these feelings are ones I cannot repress if I wanted to. I have for so long and I have finally decided to let "some" come out, but there isn't a day that goes by where I don't live in fear of being "outed" and what she will think.

You should NEVER put yourself second, but if you would stay with him even if he walked through the town dressed...let him do that, but tell him to not to shave his legs. Seriously, he may need that outlet for now. Tell him to shave, but grow it back...keep it hairy for a month...then shave for a month.

Compromise

[Wildaboutheels]

Based on both your posts, much is clear. You have done an awful lot of bending over and over again. And he has broken the rules and violated your trust on more than one occassion. No wonder you are worried. It also does not help that you are in an adult/adult Relationship and not parent/child where consequences [for infractions] CAN be/could be enforced. I think adults are no different than children in this regard. When they are "caught" breaking the rules, IF there are no consequences, they are quite likely to repeat the infraction or become ever bolder...

Sounds you OKd the shaving, and now are trying to get the cork back in the bottle? That sounds like a losing battle to me and even IF you were to work out a compromise of some sort, he would be prickly for at least four or five days during periods when he did not shave. It sounds like the shaving part may be the straw that broke the camels back and now he has succumbed to the pink fog, hook, line and sinker.

Although EVERYone here including the GGs are all unique, there is a constant recurring theme that appears to fit "most" of the regular Forum participants... which is FEW know where they are going and/or where they will end up and many are surprised how far they have come in their dressing. It's also a recurring theme here that ALL CDers will "evolve" and always want more which is simply NOT true but I think most will especially the ones with a "body style" that enables them to at least come close to "passing" [as a female] which seems to be #1 on the priority list for the vast majority here.

So, no one here can possibly accurately predict just how much will be enough for your husband and thus, when and/or if he will become willing to stick to any established boundaries.

You are NOT a bad wife just because you find his smooth body a sexual turnoff as much as you wish it were not. It's possible, given enough time, you could get over it. Unfortunatley, Love does not conquer all, contrary to the opinion of many here, and we all have things that simply rub us the wrong way.

The bright spot in all this is that you clearly Love him and still acknowledge that he is a good man and are willing to do most anything to preserve the marriage. I hope he is sharp enough to wake up and realize that HE needs to do some bending and make some concessions.

[kimdl93]

I understand your apprehension. There are a few CDrs who come to the point or realization that they want to greatly expand their dressing or in the rarest cases live as women. But please understand that such instances are exceedingly rare. You need to conquer your fears and take your husband at face value. After all these years he is probably in a comfortable mode.

As for the attraction to body hair, well maybe there's some appeal to smooth skin too...once you get over the assumption that hair is 'manly'.

[oh hey its anya]

Hi Di--

I want to add a couple of points that haven't been hit on.

1. is HE utilizing therapy? Is he receiving support? You are fantastically supportive, and a marriage is of course the negotiation of life together, but the 'burden of proof' is ultimately on him to understand his crossdressing and to integrate it into his life in a way that works best for both of you. Perhaps there is some underlying issue that he is not quite aware of himself.

2. I am not seeing where he is actually breaking rules yet, despite what some other people have said (except for going out to local stores...but that seemed to be resolved).

"Now he shaves his legs and armpits and wears women's underwear and pantyhose under his clothes for work...I have agreed to this..."

I'm not saying this as a way to put you on the spot, but rather that this might need some unpacking--did you consent to this while you still had reservations? Or did you have a change of heart? Whatever that might be, it might be worth it to talk about it with him and explain your thought process, especially if you want him to scale back. But at the same time, he could possibly feel hurt by that as well.

3. Don't let fear paralyze you! Which is hard, I know. But you have some fears about what he MIGHT do that seem to be overwhelming you. The fears of getting 'caught' are speculative at this point. I really think that if the 'going out' issue is solidified, that seems to be a major (maybe THE major) relief of stress for you. And I think people have been pretty helpful already in describing why you should trust him when he says he doesn't want to become a woman. You are very self-aware though; and that is more than half the battle.

I hope this helps. If nothing else, I'm sure he could find help on these forums. I wish you nothing but the best.

[Jacky Aikou]

Hi WIFE (that ID gave me a good chuckle!),

I read through the thread and just thought I too would chime in to say that of course you're not a bad wife! A bad wife would be giving ultimatums while you are here trying to gain insight so you can understand your husband better and hopefully find a happy medium. And good for you for doing so!

Like your husband, I confessed about CD'ing to my wife while we were still dating. And my wife, like you, is tolerant if not totally accepting of the situation. She too prefers a hairy man! We both work, we're both in our thirties, raising a very active 20 month-old daughter. I guess at this stage of life there is so much going on, it is often quite easy to suppress the feminine part of my identity and I'll go 8 months with nary a girly thought. But then WHAMMO! fall arrives and the urge -- to shave and dress and go out and just allow myself some brief existence in public as Jacquelyn -- comes roaring back. Sometimes during these rebounds I realize I may be pushing the established boundaries and perhaps overindulging a bit. Usually it's my wife who points it out to me! She knows I can get carried away and gently but firmly reels me back in. While I may grumble a bit inside, I know our love and home is worth it and comply.
And any husband (CDer or not) knows that happy wife = happy husband. ^_^

So, WIFE, in response to your question I would say that yes, at least some of us have the ability to control the urge to CD. It probably is nearly as addictive as smoking, but -- sigh -- we have to prioritize and be rational, too. When I am pushing the limits, I am keenly aware of it and yes, feel guilty for doing so. It's usually not long after that my wife puts the smack-down on me. I think above all (just to repeat what many others here always say), you need to communicate with your husband, share your concerns and in turn, listen to his. There has to be room to compromise so that you can both reach a reasonable comfort level. And I hope you can speak up and fix things before it affects your intimacy. I practice Reine's wise idea about shaving only when needed for a monthly outing, etc. Outside of those, I just trim so that my wife isn't too bothered.

The question of whether CDing ultimately ends in transitioning and living full-time as a woman is not so clear-cut. The activity, our motivations, and intent are highly personal and different for each of us. If you fear that you will lose your husband to his escalating CD habit, though, you need to ask him about it and confirm his intentions. He may not even be aware he is stressing you out so much.

So after you've had your fill of all our stories and advice, why not go have a good heart-to-heart talk with your husband and see what he thinks.
I do hope things work out well for you. Best of luck to you both!

[giuseppina]

... He has broken these rules occassionally throughout the marriage.

Have a look in the Loved Ones section on the sticky thread Lies ... ( I don't remember the rest of the title). Chances are this figured in his previous marriages.


Mostly my rules are that NOBODY in our small town finds out. It is a small town and very conservative. A few times in our marriage I have found out that he went shopping for clothes at Walmart or Payless shoes in town, and that has been a point of contention between us. I don't want him to get caught. He has since agreed to only shop while out of town or online. As far as I know he is abiding by this promise.

Understandable, and something I practise myself. I don't want to be found out, either.


His crossdressing has increased lately. Now he shaves his legs and armpits and wears women's underwear and pantyhose under his clothes for work. He does not wear a bra. I have agreed to this...just praying he doesn't get into an accident or something to be found out. (plus, I of course don't want him to have an accident for his health either!)

A shaved body and the anxiety it generates is a common topic of discussion on this board and likely others. Most people don't notice, and of those who do, few act on their observations.

I wouldn't worry about accidents. You don't have anything about your location on your profile (sorry about snooping) so I can't say anything specific. In North America, privacy regulations prevent health care practitioners (including ambulance staff) from discussing this sort of thing. If he does get himself hurt, your DH is nowhere near the first patient to be transported to hospital in gender inappropriate clothing. Emergency personnel have seen this before.


I am so very, very afraid that this is just getting bigger and bigger. He said that he is more content than he's ever been, that just dressing in women's underwear relieves the "urges" a lot. I'm afraid that it is making them worse. I dread the day that I find out he has been crossdressing in public. I cannot silence these fears.

This is a topic of discussion for you and your DH. If you feel that you need your therapist present for support, do it while at an appointment with him/her. Chances are very small, less than one percent, that he will go for surgery. I know this doesn't help if he is one of the one percent, but less than one in one hundred crossdressers are transsexual. It's about escapism for me. Totally unrealistic, but it works for me.


One other problem...every since he started shaving his legs and armpits I've found that I cannot seem to participate sexually with him. It is a turn off for me. I've tried to talk myself out of feeling this way, but those smooth legs and arms just bother me sexually. I am attracted to manly men, and this is so feminine. I don't like it.

My question...what do I do? I find it difficult to tell him that he can't shave and paint his toenails and wear women's underclothes after I've given him my agreement to these things. It wouldn't be fair.

Well, you can tell him it isn't working for you. After all, you're entitled to change your mind. ;) ;) And, no, I'm most certainly not trying to stereotype you or anything like it.


And the big question...I've read the answer but need to hear it again. He says he in NO WAY wants to become a woman...but I'm so scared. I'm scared he's going to tell me some morning that he wants to become a woman. Is it possible that just dressing as he is will be enough for him? I can't bring myself to go shopping with him or to see him fully dressed. I just know it would be bad for me to see. So I never have. Is that wrong of me?

Well, you can ask that he be evaluated by an expert in gender identity disorder and have him provide a written report to you. In Canada, this is generally done by a psychiatrist with experience in this area. If he says he doesn't want to become a woman, that almost certainly disqualifies him from both hormones and surgery. It doesn't stop him from obtaining external prosthetic breasts and posterior, though.


I feel like such a bad wife. ...

In the absence of information to the contrary, that is pure, unadulterated bullfeathers. You are doing your best to cope with a situation most people have never encountered and are not likely to in their lifetime. Perhaps it is fair to say that it's the stigmatisation of crossdressing and the boundary stretching you find most difficult.

I see in a post below your OP you are having difficulty with depression. That is something we have in common. It appears DH is not treating you with the utmost of respect; mine is primarily about the effects of bullying. One of the effects of depression is fear magnification.

It is time, if he hasn't been already, that you and your husband go to your therapist and have a discussion about what is going on with you. From the sound of things, he needs the Riot Act read to him about the crossdressing. There are two people in your marriage. I don't think the solution is for him to stop dressing, but there has to be a balance that, based on what you wrote, I have difficulty seeing. Your DH appears to be envelopped in what we call the Pink Fog - uncontrolled dressing/feminisation once initial acceptance is given without regard to what the significant other (you) is feeling.

Your smoking analogy is a good one. The main difference for you is there are well-documented and significant health implications of smoking. There is no such health implications for crossdresser outside of someone harming him because he is a crossdresser. It's very rare, but there are hotheads that would do this in every major city in the world, and these are generally found in the seedier areas of town.

And one last point, if it hasn't been made already: For you, get your qualifying 10 posts in for admission to the private genetic ladies forum. I'm sure the members there will be glad to provide support. From what I hear (hearsay) there are both accepting and unaccepting members. For DH, ask him to open an account here as you have. I'm sure the members will read the Riot Act to him if we see fit. From what I see in this thread, I think this is appropriate.

[sweetgal]

I wish my wife cared enough about my cd'ing to find a site like this and reach out to others. I'm jealous.

[AnneB1nderful]

Hello WIFE.

My wife is the only person I've ever been with. The only person I've ever loved. I thought that love was strong enough. Love does conquer all. But love can't work thru bitterness and hatred. I'm not saying you are bitter or hate your husband. But, it's obvious you HATE him wanting to be feminine. It loathes you. I understand. I acted similarly as your husband. My wife expected to be married to a "man" for better or for worse. In sickness and in health. She said, I'm no longer married to a man, so I don't need to hold to that vow. What's weird to me, is that she was drawn to TV programs and other men that acted, dressed feminine. But, she HATED it in me. She said, "If I stay with you, I might as well be a lesbian." She grew so bitter toward my actions, that love faded and eventually she lost all respect for me. Even though I've tried everything looking for a magic pill, therapy, religion, and I was preparing for hypnotherapy. My wife couldn't wait any longer. She found someone else and left 16 months ago. At that time I swore I would never CD again. I believed my wife leaving after 27 years to another man's arms was the last straw. Even if she were to never come back, I'm done. And for 15 months, I was sure I'd never CD again. Well, look where I am. I fought this for over 40 years. I'm done fighting myself. I'm totally heterosexual. Only attracted to women. However, I really, really feel good about dressing and acting feminine. I can't explain. It brings fulfillment. Here are other things that bring fulfillment: My wife did, my children do, my grandchildren do, etc. But, CDing is something internal. All those are external. To this day, I still love my wife. I really have no desire to be with anyone else. But reality is, she can't handle what I do.

My humble suggestion is to try not to HATE this crossdressing thing. I know you're trying. That's why you're here. But, your husband probably will not be able to stop crossdressing. If you can't stop HATING it, then, I'm sorry to say, your marriage will probably end where mine did.

I sincerely pray you both can talk openly and work this out. Perhaps even use a therapist or counselor as a mediator to keep emotions from getting out of hand during discussions.

[MonctonGirl]

All the body builders remove all their body hair too. They are supposed to me "manly" men.
So maybe looking at it that way would help.

Better than hair growing outta his ears, right? lol

[Diversity]

Hi Di,
It is good that you have voiced your feelings with this forum. I think you are wonderful for being so accepting of your husband, and in the very way you write, it reflects how much you love him. Based on this, I would like to suggest that you both discuss the 'rules' you both agreed to in the past. Listen to one another and after listening, perhaps you will find that the boundaries need to be modified (in one direction or the other), after you both have expressed your points of view and feelings. Sounds to me that your previous discussions worked so far, so open and honest communications may be just the thing you both need to do again.
Successful marriages are built upon such communications, as I am sure you are already aware. I wish I could be more helpful. Good luck!
Di

[AnneB1nderful]

My humble suggestion is to try not to HATE this crossdressing thing. I know you're trying. That's why you're here. But, your husband probably will not be able to stop crossdressing. If you can't stop HATING it, then, I'm sorry to say, your marriage will probably end where mine did.

Something I forgot to mention. I tried to HATE crossdressing. I really gave it my best effort. It ruined my marriage. But, maybe it's not as bad as WE make it out to be. Let's say I have a mole on the side of my nose (well I actually do). So, I hate it so much, I cut it off. It grows back bigger. I cut it off again. It grows back even bigger. Now, I ask others, they say it looks like a beautiful birth mark. I still HATE it and cut it off again. And it grows back bigger. No matter how many times I try to HATE it and cut it off, it keeps coming back bigger and more noticeable. My genetic code put it there. So, why not accept it and allow it to be that beauty mark as others see it? Can you try to accept your husband's crossdressing as a beauty mark or will you always see it as a big ugly mole?

[Jana]

Dear Di, welcome to the forum. Here are my comments:


And the big question...I've read the answer but need to hear it again. He says he in NO WAY wants to become a woman...but I'm so scared. I'm scared he's going to tell me some morning that he wants to become a woman. Is it possible that just dressing as he is will be enough for him?

This is probably not what you want to hear, but both scenarios are possible.


I can't bring myself to go shopping with him or to see him fully dressed. I just know it would be bad for me to see. So I never have. Is that wrong of me?

I don't think so. You support it, but choose not to participate. There's nothing wrong with that. It's healthy to respect your limits. My wife knows, and does not participate. In fact, I don't think I'd be even comfortable being dressed in front of her.


I feel like such a bad wife. Like I'm not accepting him for who he is...but I just can't seem to give more ground where this is concerned. He says he's very happy with the way things stand. Will it stay this way or will he want to increase the cross dressing?

Again, hard to say. This is very personal. Sometimes the feelings of gender dysphoria may increase with time. Maybe this is something he always wanted, but felt he couldn't have until now. Maybe not. I prefer not to speculate any further. It's important that you talk to your husband in an open and honest fashion, and do it frequently. State your expectations, listen to his. See where you guys stand.

[Jessica86]

I've been married to a wonderful, kind, caring, hardworking, supportive and crossdressing man for almost 20 years now. We are in our early 50's. I love him so very much. We have two adult children and four grandchildren. We have built a good life together.


The only quote that matters here. Why 20 years....and all of a sudden....it's a problem? I'll be the first to spin this. You say he has changed...yet...he is "keeping the promises so far." Sounds like you are changing, now curious after 20 years of knowing.


I can see where the ground rules that were established have been slowly chipped away. It seems if you give him an inch, he takes a mile.

She said he followed after she approached.......(sigh)

So many times I see these kinds of posts. Yes, I'm a young guy, but have probably dressed longer than most 40 year olds. 21 years this year and I'm 26. The part I don't get again....is the 20 years. Why have you not been concerned in the past? I'm not taking sides, but when you say he has followed the promises he made....that kinda....sums it up. What is happening that changed you?

[Moxie]

As a wife struggling with her husband's dressing, I can readily say that I become LESS comfortable and more alarmed as time passes. This is not easing for me, and everyone here knows this from my endless questions, lol. (yes, it's DoorMat here :))

Anyway, WIFE, I wanted to say hi and that I hope somewhere in this story you are thinking about how you feel. I know you say you'll NEVER leave your husband but why? Are you not worthy of fulfillment too? Your husband is happily chasing his bliss at any opportunity, so why not you? There is nothing wrong with wanting a manly man. I LOATHE the shaved look and my H has suffered the sexless consequences of this side of his 'hobby'. But to ask me to turn OFF my heterosexual desires for a man, hair and all, is like asking him to turn off his crossdressing. Neither is fair, even with compromise, because ultimately someone always feels unhappy.

I sadly have no answers for this side of things.

But, I'm doing my best to learn all I can about my H's dressing from this very helpful forum, and should I finally give up and decide that yes, my need for a masculine man, protector, husband and partner is stronger than my already pushed acceptance, then I WILL put myself first and move on so we can both be fulfilled. Because your needs are not shallow or irrevelant, WIFE, any more than his need to express a feminine side. Though, I'll admit the eternal romantic in me does adore the love and commitment you express for your husband and I really wish he had the ability to put this CD thing away and just be the man you desire. If only it were that simple :(

I am not much help, I know, but I will say PLEASE take care of you. You matter too!!

[WIFE GG/SO]

In no way are you a "bad wife" Hon. You are just a woman who loves her husband very much. Keep doing that and my guides tell me you will both be fine.:battingeyelashes::)

Kate, what do you mean your guides? Is that a CD reference that I don't understand? I'm confused.

Di

[Kate Simmons]

Kate, what do you mean your guides? Is that a CD reference that I don't understand? I'm confused.

DiHi Di, By guides, I mean my spiritual guides. Once I balanced my feelings, my spirituality became part and parcel of that. I realized that my CDing was just the tip of the iceberg when it came to understanding things. Anyway, I get communications and impressions regarding a great many things but I take it as a matter of fact thing these days and if something is important enough, pass it on to my friends.:)

[WIFE GG/SO]

Wow, I'm overwhelmed by all of the responses...thank you. Just to clarify a few things:

Yes we've been together for twenty years, and for most of that time, his crossdressing consisted of his dressing while I was out of the house. He didn't shave, he didn't wear woman's underwear and nylons underneath his every day wear. Now, just recently he started shaving and wearing the undies and nylons every day. Oh and he paints his toenails too. To me this seemed like an escalation of great proportions. We've talked about it, and he says that this moderate dressing is enough for him, and that he is satisfied and happy with things as they now are. I am afraid that is a temporary thing.

Oh if only we lived in a big city like Chicago or New York...than things would probably be easier for him to express himself.

I've thought about bringing him to my therapist to discuss things...but so far I think we are doing ok on our own. As long as he is always honest with me up front. I cannot stand the lies this sometimes creates. That is a hard pill to swallow.

I'm not worried at all about divorce. We all have things about the other that we don't like. I'm overweight, and I know he doesn't like that (neither do I), but he still loves me. I look at it as something like that...he CD's...I still love him for the wonderful man that he is.

This man has helped me and been with me through my cancer, through the deepest depression where I had to be hospitalized two times for suicidal thoughts. He loves me. He stands by me even though I'm not well. I would never, ever through that away.

I need to come to terms with his crossdressing. I need to accept him for who he is...but with some ground rules for his safety and our family's safety and reputation. I hope that isn't a bad desire on my part. I really don't want our friends and neighbors to know about his CD'ing.

I hope this clarifys some things, and thank you all so much for your posts. It helps a lot. I will look into getting my ten posts in order to join the wife's forum on here...thanks for that suggestion.

Di

[WIFE GG/SO]

Hi Di, By guides, I mean my spiritual guides. Once I balanced my feelings, my spirituality became part and parcel of that. I realized that my CDing was just the tip of the iceberg when it came to understanding things. Anyway, I get communications and impressions regarding a great many things but I take it as a matter of fact thing these days and if something is important enough, pass it on to my friends.:)

Oh this facinates me Kate. So they say we (hubby and I) will be ok? Any details? Sorry if I'm pushing, but I've never met anyone who had spiritual guides before. :)

Di

[Annette Todd]

From my perspective as a cd...

I don't understand how the expression of a feminie side is something that is bad. The man you married, Di and also to you Moxie, is a man and I would generalize to be more of a sensitive nature. I personally feel that many if not most "manly men" have no perspective, or care to have, of the more sensitive natures of women. Di, you said that your husband told you in the very beginning of his fem side. That should be a very telling fact because many crossdressers have a very hard time even beginning to bring up the subject, much less discuss it openly with their SO.

One question I would ask, albeit rhetorical, is who are you worried about being "out" him or you? I understand the issues involved with small town conservative life. I grew up in a very small town and currently live in a small conservative city. I cannot say that I am yet comfortable "presenting" myself fully fem. But I do wear nail polish all the time, shaped eyebrows and long hair that I am continuing to let grow. So I display outward signals. Back on point... which one of you is more in the closet and afraid of being outed?

I, like your husband also shave legs and arm pits as well as arms, chest and tummy. I hate the feel of the stubble as it grows and really dislike being overgrown with body hair. Do you shave your legs Di? If so why don't you let your leg hair grow? Could it be you like the feel of smooth legs or dislike having hairy legs? Shaving body does not change the personality. Did you fall in love with your CD husband because of his having body hair. If so I would tend to think that is a very shallow view of your husband.

I am not an effeminate male so it is very difficult to consider that I would actually pass as female. Neither do I identify myself with most of the "manly men".

I guess that in short, if you accepted your husband with his strengths and shortcomings (I don't consider CD a shortcoming), rather than trying to control and manipulate you may consider fully accepting the person you married. This is something I would say to anyone without regard to the sex they were born. Accepting someone only in part or rejecting them on the basis of some idiosyncratic aspect of their personality could be considered hypocrisy or bigotry.

If you love your husband, then love him for who he is and accept who he is rather than trying to manipulate because you fear what the general public thinks.

Wishing you the best

[BRANDYJ]

Hi Wife, So glad you came here for help with your husband's dressing. My thoughts on this:

For most of your life together, you had kids at home. Your husband was limited on how often he could dress not wanting your kids to find out. You, the kids and other things in life were more important. These are good things. Secondly, he may be going through MEN-opause. I know I did. Men do go through something similar to what women go through with menopause. This includes hormonal changes too. Have you ever noticed that most elderly men have very little leg hair? This MEN-opause is why many CD's seem to escalate their need or frequency to dress. I read this in a study years ago, that many CD's needs to dress becomes stronger as they age. It's all part of life.

I would not be to concerned with it. Your husband is fine. But I hope you can come to terms with it and maybe, just maybe even figure out ways to enjoy it with him...For not only his, but for your sake too.

[Annette Todd]

my need for a masculine man, protector, husband and partner is stronger than my already pushed acceptance,

How does being a "manly man" equate to protector, husband and partner? Did you not marry him because of the person he is rather than the external cover?

Please don't consider this rude as I only intend to pose a rhetorical question for you to ponder.

Cheers

[NicoleScott]

It's great that he came out to you before you married, and that he is a good man with whom you have a very good marriage. And it's good that the two of you negotiated some rules regarding the extent and exposure of his crossdressing. The first rule of negotiating is to never agree to terms that you can't keep. The problem, as I see it, is that he broke the rules. He violated rules that he previously agreed to.
Maybe it's time for a serious talk, re-negotiating the boundaries and privileges, and remind him that he needs to stick to what he agrees to.

[Stephanie Michelle]

Hi Wife,

Lots of good responses here. But no matter advise, good or bad, we are not in your situation. Even if it could have be written by many wives or GFs. What works for others doesn't mean it will work for you. You can read all the responses and take what you think will work for you and your husband. But in the end its all about you two. We don't know all the dynamics of your relationship, and on this type forum shouldn't. That should be left for a professional therapist. You both need to talk open and honestly then renegotiate the agreement to where you both are comfortable. It might change again in a year or two. This is a ever changing life. My GF (been dating 18 months) had known from the 3rd month. She is cool with it and actually likes it as long as it is within reason. She even is prompting me to go out, which had been only driving at night and a couple of Halloween parties several years ago. So you need to talk to your husband and ask what he wants or sees where this is going and then you have a better idea where this is going and then you can make a decision weather you can handle this. If you have gone this far I am sure you will be just fine in the future. Keep the faith and COMMUNICATE!

Stephanie Michelle

[ClosetED]

You are not a bad wife - you are more accepting than many. CDing is a spectrum and this forum has a wide range. The self-identified transsexuals who plan on transitioning have their own area, but some here are considering it. So don't take one person's view as speaking for all - many will give opinions and you should note how often one view is expressed. I for one, as I think most that post here, do not plan on transitioning, are not interested in attracting men. My wife has known for years but I kept it to a minimal level. I am also at the early 50's mark and either stress level or natural MENopause has made the urge greater. So why does your spouse want to go further? Can he talk about why? Why did he want to shave his legs more recently? Would bleaching them to less noticeable be enough rather than the feel of the smooth skin (which upsets you). You have not seem him dressed as that would break your image of him as manly. Yet he has been you protector, supporter, lover for years and through many trying times. Is that not proof of being a good man/person? It is your (normal according to society) perception that a man has to look and act a certain way that may be the issue. Certainly many male models doing underwear or swimwear ads are shaven chest and legs. Are they feminine? It is situational of how that is perceived. Is he doing more underdressing to feel more privately feminine as he is not getting any acceptance from anyone but himself? Would support from this forum be useful - yes. Would you being his best female friend while dressed in the privacy of home fulfill his needs? It is probably best to keep the dressing out of the bedroom as that would make you feel more uncomfortable. Would having that kind of acceptance let him back off the shaving? Have a talk with him.

[Jenniferathome]

I can't bring myself to go shopping with him or to see him fully dressed. I just know it would be bad for me to see. So I never have.

Hi Di, I wanted to touch on this subject because my wife went through this phase as well. Her fear when I came out to her was if she saw me dressed, would she always "see" me that way even when not dressed? So, she didn't see me. I did make a transformation video and offered to let her see it at her convenience. One day we watched it together. The great thing about a video is that if she felt she was seeing too much, she could stop it. She didn't. A few months later she saw me "live." Since then, she has seen me many times and it does not phase her at all. If you have a similar fear, remember that we fear the unknown more than the known.

Good luck

[psion128]

I am a CD'er and I have a interest in only women. I'm just thinking that your SO just wants limits taken off and to stop being in the closet. Personally, I think he needs to realize that no all communities will accept you for being yourself. He needs to keep things in perspective and not go all out like some of the others here.

That is my 2cents. I hope it helps.

[bobbimo]

Several weeks ago there was a thread called "whats the point of Crossdresers.com"
This thread from Wife, is exactly what we are all about.
Just reading the wonderful help, and the posts back from Wife are amazing.
The comments from the GG's and CD's bring tears to my eyes. Really!
So I thank you ALL for being such a fabulous bunch of friends. I am honored to be here and have your wisdom at my fingertips.
AND Wife, your doing the right things.
Bobbi

[Barbara Ella]

Di, you have found out what a wonderful caring group of people make up this forum. As a CD, I really care about your well being, and so appreciate your writing here, as any information gives me more insight into the dilema my wife has with this. Background, we were married 41 years before I told my wife. That was just a year ago, and was only 3 months after I realized I was a crossdresser. I began at 65. So the developments have come very fast over the past year, unlike most who develop their situation over many many years. that has fed her uncertainty. When I told my wife, she laughed at me (thinking I was joking, since I was a manly man). But when she saw the look of fear in my eyes, she cried, and continued to cry for three weeks, while learning about crossdressing. she then adopted an attitude of complete support and participation. We did everything together (never dressed in public). We/I feel that my dressing in front of her eventually overloaded her emotional fears of where this might go, and she could not handle it, and reverted to a DADT. She still supported my intellectually, and wanted me to find out who I was to be happy. During this time I did dress and go out in public a few times, which I believe stemmed from doing so much so fast with her, that I felt alone. After 4 months or so, she realized DADT is a terrible way to go, and we are now in a discussion phase. She cannot see me dressed, but supports my dressing when she is not home, and accepts non visible underdressing. I do shave, with her blessing, but she was very sad when the armpit hair went (go figure). She gives me gift cards to use at our local mall, and knows I go out to buy female clothing, but only as a man. Main rule is never leave the house dressed, and never go out in our town dressed, and never let anyone know I am a crossdresser. She says i can drive, get a room, and go out in another town if I want. I have not yet, because that makes me feel very alone, I think.

My wife is very conflicted about all this, much as you are. She is uncertain where this might end up. given the very shortened time frame, it weighs very heavily on her mind. At 66 now, there is no transition or living as female, regardless of my inner development now, but she cannot grasp this totally. Her support, however has not waivered, and I love her for this. Sorry for the long exposition, but just wanted you to know that others feel like you, and in no way does this make for a bad wife. It really makes for a very caring, loving wife, that just has limits...understandable, and totally acceptable.

Do not withdraw from discussing and setting limits that are comfortable to both parties. You may never be comfortable with this, that is fine. you may never see him dressed, that is fine. He may push boundaries, chastise him, don't necessarily redefine them. You must reach a stage where you can live with a man, who is still manly except in your mental image, the hardest image to change. A dresser for so long usually knows where their limits are (I still have no clue) so discuss them, and listen and take to heart. If he is trying new things, he is likely just as confused as you.

I wish you the best of luck as you work through this.

Barbara

[~Joanne~]

Wife, here is my two cents, and as two cents it may not be worth much....

1. I do not feel you are a bad wife at all. You are seeking the answers you need to help get pass your fears and that's more than what a lot of women will do. As Moxie suggested, they would just jump ship, so that says a lot about the person that you are.

2. While your road is clearly not an easy one, your SO's isn't either. He was up front about his CDing BEFORE you got married so for him to say that He has no desires to go further, You should take him at his word. After 20 years of marriage, has he ever gone further? His desires to dress more may have picked up a bit but all in all he has been a man of his word.

Now, going "further" means different things to different folks. I doubt he wants to transition BUT being out and about even once almost always leads to more adventures out. Is this necessarily bad? NO.

While you worry about his safety, yours, and your children's, there are alternatives ways for his needs to be filled and yours too. Other cities or towns could be viable for outings and maybe going to meetings and such once a month isn't a bad idea. This way your SO gets out and you don't have to worry as much as you do in your small hometown.

EDIT: I just wanted to add that I understand your fears because of what "Society" may or may not think but have you really looked at the society we live in lately?

3. As for shaving, It's part of CDing. For some it's more important than for others. I don't see where the problem is in this.

I know a lot of women don't shave their legs during the winter months. Ever stop to think what an SO thinks or feels about it? for most, the answer is NO, it's their body and they will do as they please without any regards for the other. so why is it that we don't have the same rights? To Me shaving should be a non issue but I do understand your concerns. It could be a "tell tale" if anyone notices but most don't and has been proven time and time again.


4. Getting 10 posts and joining the Fab forum may be some use to you but you have to keep in mind that most of the wives there don't understand this any more than you do, save a few (sorry names escape me at this moment).

In my opinion, it seems like the place where wives go to voice their discontent with the whole thing rather than find answers. Truth is, no one really has answers. Not even the professionals. You may find a better understanding, but not clear cut answer because CDing is different from girl to girl and each girl has a different "need" the same as each "wife" has a better understanding.

I will say this, Reine is the most level headed GG I have seen on the forum.There are others but She has lived with this for a period of time and has a very good understanding about all of this. You may not like her answers from time to time but she will certainly not BS you or try to convince you of untruths.

All in all communication is the key, to ever understand what Your SO needs are or how far your SO will be going is by talking about all of this with them. I wish you the best of luck.

[kendra_gurl]

He told me about the crossdressing before he married me. He was completely honest. He felt it had ruined his first two marriages and didn't want to ruin a third marriage. He agreed to certain "rules" and so did I. He has broken these rules occassionally throughout the marriage.



Wife : After being togeather for 20 years do not feel like you are walking on egg shells about this. He has been there and done that with his previous wives and heard it all before. Just talk to him openly and honestly about how his actions are making you feel. Then listen to his responces and think about if they have merit.

Most disputes between couples come down to either misunderstanding ones opinion about an issue or not knowing there is even a problem. In 20 years you have had things come up that at the time were far more serious than this. How did you deal with those?

If either of you are not the sort of persons who can openly discuss your true feelings in a calm manner then do it with your therapist present.

The important part is to TALK TO HIM because what we here say will not change anything untill the two of you do.

[Alice B]

To totally go back to not shaving is not in the cards for me and from what I've read here it is the same for most others. That said, there are times when I may go up to 3-4 weeks without shaving due to travels. But, I've learned that no one notices are cares about shaved legs or arms. I have shaved legs on the golf course, on dive trips, etc. No one notices or cares as it is becoming main stream in our society. There are now many ads for male's to have their body waxed and presented as desireable for their female counter parts. As I said in my earlier post, I doubt that he will want to go back to having body hair. Once it is removed the feelings are too intense to ignore. The compairison to quiting smoking sounds logical, but the mechanics are quite different. One is physical in its root and then emotional, while the other is totally emotional in its root, with some physical reaction.

[Lorileah]

You are not a bad wife. A bad wife would have left her husband hanging or had made an ultimatum toward him.

How to address the rest. Fears are hard to ignore, they also tend to grow when fed. But most fears are totally ungrounded.

The small town thing, I understand. Not because being a CD is wrong, but because people who are ignorant are hard to convince otherwise. Small town people tend to feed fears, a lot. They believe anything they read that helps feed those fears. You know your husband as well as many in your town. They know he is a good person. But fear has made you question that. You know that the rest will question it. So until you can find a good way to let the people of your town know that your husband is still the same good person he always was, you have to move slowly.

As far as his purchases, when wasthe last time you bought men's briefs at Walmart? Is it allowed for a woman to shop for male things but wrong for a man to shop for women's? I bought my wife and GF clothes all the time. Nothing to it. The salespeople don't even care. They have their own agenda (usually money and quitting time).

The personal issues are something you have to decide how you will handle. But let's put a different angle on it. Say that tomorrow you decided to change your hair color. Maybe your husband loves blondes but you think you need to be a redhead. Would you accept his not wanting to be with you over that? Maybe he sulks for a few days but soon he gets used to the look, maybe even likes it. Let's get closer to the issue here. What if for some reason you decided to NOT shave your legs? Does that make you more masculine? Not really. He may not like that but he loves you so he says "OK". Yes you have preferences, we all do, but small things are not something to allow to destroy your marriage. Nail polish? It is a color on your nails. It doesn't make you any different. Smooth legs? It is a preference, some people don't even have the option. Hair color, type of clothing, makeup. Nothing that changes your man from a good person to a bad person. Hard to change your preferences, so don't but maybe easier to accept the changes as growing. One concern I have is you are now in your 50's, beyond middle age. You have a lot of changes that will be coming your way in the next few years. You will become a different person visually, of which you have little control. He will also. That hairy masculine male you married will soon start to be less masculine and more androgynous. So will you. It is totally what you see, not who you are that changes. Seems petty doesn't it to decide that physical characteristics are more important than love. Take it from someone who has lost people recently, the snoring, the little idiosyncrasies, the nail polish, they are nothing. You need to enjoy each other while you can. It is the spirit and soul you love. The rest is trappings. You said he was happier. That in itself is worth a lot right?

Don't try and change yourself overnight. Take time, but it may be easier if you look beyond the physical, the pantyhose the nail polish, and see the person. You may have been attracted to him physically but you know you love him spiritually

[Brianna612]

In my experience I have learned that when I have been forced to refrain from dressing either from my parents, my x-wife, or my own fears I was very irritable, would fly off the handle over the smallest things, and a whole lot of other disruptive activities. I was not a happy person at all. When I am dressing I am a very different person. I am very relaxed, easy going, fun loving and a very happy person. No one will ever force me to refrain from dressing again. I am just a better person when I am dressing. That being said as with most CD's I am a man, I love being a man and do not want to be a woman. I was loyal to my x-wife and am loyal to my two girls and my SO. I Love them all and wouldn't want to lose them.

You are not a bad wife. The fact that you are trying to understand your husband is proof of that. My x-wife of 10 years told me either her or CDing, nothing in-between. I would say that compromise is in order and a good marriage consoler with knowledge of gender identity issues would be a big help for both of you. There are CDing groups in your area that your husband could join. All of these could be helpful.
You both can be happy and safe.

[Jessica86]

I need to come to terms with his crossdressing. I need to accept him for who he is...but with some ground rules for his safety and our family's safety and reputation.

Di

How is his reputation at risk? Safety? I'm still going to say there is something else to this. I'm a cop. I go out. I'm married. I really don't feel like this risks my safety or my reputation. If found out, I will just tell the truth. My wife supports me and that is all that matters to me. I bet he feels the same way no matter what the boundaries are....if he's been keeping promises for 20 years.....

[SnowPrincess]

Lorileah,

This is one of the most cogent statements to a wife that I have read. I wish there were some way that I could get my wife to read it. Great job!!

Snow Princess

[Meghan]

But to ask me to turn OFF my heterosexual desires for a man, hair and all, is like asking him to turn off his crossdressing. Neither is fair, even with compromise, because ultimately someone always feels unhappy.

This is one of the best points of view I have read. Neither is more fair than the other.

I would argue that it takes more than body hair to be strong. Strength is embodied in many ways that span all genders. I absolutely love watching my female cat stand her ground against our other two bigger, stronger male cats. They are stronger than she is, physically, but she is a persistent b*tch...and I love seeing her not take any bleep from the boys.

Still, I don't want to discount the importance of physical attraction. It's not even a remote priority for me, but most people need to be physically attracted to someone else before anything beyond being friends is possible.

Human behavior is fascinating.

Meghan

[Davena Doll]

I love big hairy men too. As far as age goes I would think he would of already have trans..ferd but he has not. He still loves you "I'm guessing". Plus Payless does not have size 12 or 14 he should know that.

[Rebecca W.]

I wish my wife cared enough about my cd'ing to find a site like this and reach out to others. I'm jealous.

I have to agree with Sweetgal,
You have reached out to a wonderful group of people that are so caring and open on expressing their thoughts and feelings towards others on here. There will be some intense conversations and that is a perfect way to release your bottled up emotions. I am a totally different person in regards to cross dressing and how I approach it now. I too cross dress on a sort of hot and cold cycle. I can go months without the dressing, but I always have the desire to do so. I have opened up to many nice people on here and some of what I have said has opened up bottled feelings from their past.

Please open up to us and if your husband has not yet joined the forum, please ask him to do that for you. We are all on here to listen to what other people have to say or to just voice our suppressed feelings. That in my view is the right direction to healing wounds and to be able to embrace all of the complex issues involved in cross dressing. I can never give it up like smoking, I have really tried to the point of causing severe emotional issues. Denial is a real emotion wrecker, I know that for a fact.

What I believe is a real tough area is how to create a sort of fine-line between cross dressing and the so-called manly man. I used to go into a real denial phase just by shaving my legs. I had felt that by doing such a thing I had removed some of my manly traits. Now, I shave as I please and it has a health benefit too, I can find those sneaky little ticks during the summer in second!

I feel that you have given your husband some healthy limits on being a CD. I would suggest that you try to embrace his need to fully dress and take a nice vacation far from home to let it all out on an as needed basis. Suppressing somebody, just like when you were young usually makes you want do it more. In the end it could cause more damage to the relationship than to let it come out more often.

You have your needs too and you have every right to ask for them. I have found that if I CD on a regular basis, it tempers the need to go from nothing to something a little too wild for my taste. Under dressing is going to moderate his feminine side as this is what I do on a regular basis now. I do desire to go out and dress as a woman in public. That is going to happen because I keep suppressing those thoughts and feelings and it is clouding my thoughts everyday now until I do it.
It took me decades just to post a simple picture of my lower half.

On a funny note, try not shaving your legs for a while and see what reaction you get from him. I wish you all the best on your relationship with your husband and if you need to voice your concerns, please post it on here or PM one of us. You will be surprised on the results of doing so.

Thank you for listening to me today and I hope that I offered some good advice.
Hugs,

[Celeste]

Hi Wife,It seems you are doing all the right things on your end.It's easy to see from your post that you are flexible and have extended yourself as far a you feel you can.I think it's time for him to extend the same.For me,the fact that you are loosing sexual interest ,and the rules have changed warrants a full conversation.No ultimatums need be given,but he should be sensitive to where all of this has left you and be willing to make compromises to help and reassure you.I feel he may have lost sight that this entire deal was a compromise for you from the beginning.So lets get that talk going,I would start by mentioning what you said in your initial post...about how you would never leave him even if he were to come out.Then lead up to how you feel different sexually now.Tell him you feel your loosing touch and you want to fix this because you care deeply.

[Dena]

I just need to know...would many of you go back to not shaving after doing it for months? One of you posted that it would be difficult for him to stop now. That scares me. It's like this thing is alive...can't it be controlled?

THAT is indeed my question...are most of you able to control these urges? CAN you limit the activity, or is it out of your hands.

I'm 50 so we're close in age, for me, I had pretty much explored my crossdressing by the time I met my wife. I had a complete female wardrobe, makeup and wigs.
A fairly good grasp on colors and styles of clothing, and makeup application.

I had been out somewhat often. There was even a local bar that accepted crossdressers, but I really didn't go out all that much. I enjoy being a guy and doing guy stuff
(except I find watching sports boring)!

There was a full moon on the night I was born... By the time I met my wife I had grown weary of fighting my body hair. I have industrial strength stubble when I shave my chest,
worse 5 o'clock shadow than my face! As a result I don't shave much anymore. I also don't dress much anymore except I only wear panties, and sleep in nightgowns. I also have some silk pj's for lounge wear. I also find something comforting about wearing a bra, which I do not understand.

So yes, it can be controlled.