Can't decide what to do

[Aloha Jayne]

The SO will be out of town this weekend, and I have a chance to go hang with some gals and get to be Jayne for a night on the town. Just little background....my SO hates Jayne and we would probably end in divorce if she found out because it violates all of the trust issues she is having such a problem with.

OTOH......It would be my first time to be out as Jayne and something I really need to do for her. And if she can't understand that, then that's her problem.

OTOH.....I really would feel guilty knowing that I am doing something she doesn't want me doing.

OTOH.....to hell with her, I can do what I want....etc.etc.etc.

Please help me decide!

[Jacqueline Winona]

The guilt will eat you up, Jayne, if the marriage is otherwise in good shape.

[WIFE GG/SO]

As the wife of a CD'er, I beg you to please TELL HER BEFORE YOU DO IT. You may have made up your mind to do it, but that doesn't mean that you have to violate her trust. If you tell her before your weekend, she won't like it, but she won't be able to feel betrayed by your lies. I'm telling you, I don't like my husband's CD'ing, but I much prefer to know what he is doing rather than having to "bust" him after the fact. You need to reassure her that you are taking steps to be careful and to not get caught. (I hope you ARE taking these steps...maybe not though?)

Just my 2 cents.

Di

EDITED TO ADD: You mentioned that you would probably get divorced if she found out. Well, I promise you, she will eventually find out. You probably can't hide forever. Do you really think she'll divorce you? I hope not.

[Miriam-J]

You know what to do already, Jayne. Listen to that voice inside you that urges caution and respect.

Miriam

[mikiSJ]

Hmmmmm

Marriage or Night Out Dressed-Up, Marriage or Night Out Dressed-Up, Marriage or Night Out Dressed-Up, Marriage or Night Out Dressed-Up, Marriage or Night Out Dressed-Up

Your decision. Make the right one!

[Jenniferathome]

?..it violates all of the trust issues she is having such a problem with.

This is the answer to your question. You have to tell her or don't do it.

[Bobbielikes]

I'm glad everyone is steering you right here. My wife doesn't know about my double life. I know her well enough to know she would leave me. That said I've broken the trust and she has yet to find out, which you would think is awesome, having your cake and eating it too. You'd be wrong. It eats at you. I end up resenting her when she is nice to me or we have loving moments. When she says I'm a great dad all I can think about is the terrible things I've done and cowardly things. I can tell you know what to do, you just need the nudge and part of you, the cowardly part, hopes one of us will say sure enjoy yourself you deserve it, the truth is you secretly want out of the relationship and want to be selfish. But you don't want it to be your fault. If you don't tell her then it will be your fault.

Good luck I hope you do what's right.

[sandra-leigh]

I can't make you Not Go, but if you go out, then please at least mitigate the trust break by going to another city where people don't know you or your wife.

[Aloha Jayne]

Oh Come On!! It's not fair! Of course I know what I should do. If I tell her, then I can't go. She hates it even if I file my nails. Much less if I go "hang out with a bunch of trannys!!!" as she puts it. But you gals were supposed to tell me it was ok, that I need this, that my inner soul is begging for this expression of myself, and etc.

Just to clarify, I would be in another town, and probably would not even dress. I just wanted to meet and hang out with some like minded sisters. But it would give her credence to the argument that I have violated her trust, and I don't want to help her win her argument.

Thanks for keeping my head straight. Maybe someday I can get to be me.

[Bobbielikes]

Jayne, happiness is not just about making yourself happy. That's just satisfaction and it doesn't last. Ultimately you get to decide what truly makes you happy. If its dressing and you SO isn't understanding then she isn't the right one for you. But if its her, then dressing can wait or be unfulfilled. I think you are doing the right thing but I think eventually you have to make that choice between Jayne and your wife... I don't envy that choice as I've yet to make it myself although in a way I choose my wife most days.

[Leah Lynn]

The girl within, is screaming, "Go, go, go!" But, it could destroy the marriage. I do, however, know the pain and bitterness that grows inside from being denied the right to exist as that girl within. And, what "Trust Issues" are violated, if you go in drab?

[Diversity]

I know my response is not what you will want to hear, but in all honesty, you must tell your wife. There is no other way around it, IF you value her above yourself - which, in a positive and lasting marriage, it is the way I believe it must be. Jayne, deep inside you know the answer. 'Man up', and tell your wife the truth. It is so much easier than living a lie. Good luck to you both.
Di

[sandra-leigh]

Oh Come On!! It's not fair!

As Lou Reed sings, "Life's good, but it's not fair at all."

[Tracii G]

Maybe if you explain how it will help you feel better about yourself to at least try it one time.
Lying to her is wrong and yes she will find out.
What if something happens while you are out say an accident or you have a run in with some tranny bashers and end up in jail.
Always be honest and up front with her she deserves it.

[Bree-asaurus]

Oh Come On!! It's not fair! Of course I know what I should do. If I tell her, then I can't go. She hates it even if I file my nails. Much less if I go "hang out with a bunch of trannys!!!" as she puts it. But you gals were supposed to tell me it was ok, that I need this, that my inner soul is begging for this expression of myself, and etc.

Just to clarify, I would be in another town, and probably would not even dress. I just wanted to meet and hang out with some like minded sisters. But it would give her credence to the argument that I have violated her trust, and I don't want to help her win her argument.

Thanks for keeping my head straight. Maybe someday I can get to be me.

She says if you crossdress, that she'll leave you? Tell her that if she's going to pull the "it's my way or the highway bull" you'll leave her.

Relationships need respect and compromise.

Are these the actions of someone who really loves you for who you are? Is she giving you the same respect you give her?

[Cheryl T]

Been there.....done that ..... TELL HER FIRST.

[Jana]

The best choice is one that does not involve lying!

[kimdl93]

Don't do it. It's something you need to resolve with your wife first

[sandra-leigh]

Ah, I thought the "trust problems" sounded familiar:


I know I will always be a crossdresser, whether I crossdress or not. A non-crossdressing crossdresser. But yes, we have discussed DADT when she isn't around. And I would be perfectly content with that arrangement. But she is afraid to leave the house now because of what is going on in her head, thinking about what I might be doing. (nothing at all for the last 8 months). It is irrational fear on her part, but that is who she is. That may change a few years from now, but I can already tell there will never be a time when she can accept this as long as she doesn't know. Which means I have to decide to give it up if I want her to be happy.

So Yes, the situation is not fair, but the situation is also not rational. Going out without telling our wife would indeed be confirming her fears, giving grounds for them, making them (semi-) rational fears instead of irrational. Your only hopes are either (A) don't go; or (B) tell her first, so that you can start establishing a climate of "I'm not doing anything behind your back".

If it requires taking someone along to be a "spy" for her, to confirm that you aren't... I don't know, buying back-alley bras?... then perhaps that is what it takes.

[linda allen]

You've gotten good advice. There's nothing I can add.

[jillleanne]

Weigh the worst case scenario and if you can truly live happily with that, then do it. Otherwise, do whatever it takes to reach the point of true happiness, which, sounds like you need to sit and talk with her. That would be a good place to start.

[Jennifer Marie P.]

Do what you feel is more comfortable for you if being Jane is what you want do it.