Thanksgiving in "MAN MODE" Ugh

[AnneB1nderful]

I’ve experienced so much over the past month. Since I decided to no longer fight, but embrace my femininity. I feel like I’ve learned more about myself in this short time than I have over the past 47 years. I’ve also learned a lot about this community (CD, TG, Homosexual, Bi-Sexual, Multi-Sexual….whatever you want to label it). I used to have a great amount of disdain (not judgment). I’ve learned that the disdain I had was not because of who or what they were, but because who and what I was trying NOT to be. I no longer have that disdain, but regard for those carrying these social stigmas.

My personality is an embodiment of both male and female traits. How I project those traits becomes my persona. Anne is my fem persona, not a different personality. My male persona projects what I call “man mode.” So, I’ve read a few posts from GGs, SOs and MTF TGs and see that many don’t understand why we crossdress. I mean they say they know we can’t help it, but why don’t all of us decide to just transition?

In another thread I mentioned that I really like being in fem mode and feel so much happier. The question keeps popping in my head, “Am I transgendered?” This Thanksgiving briefly answered that question for me.

I’ve shared previously that about 16 months ago, I gave up CDing “for good”!!! I told my entire family and asked them to help hold me accountable if I started to drift into it again. Well, this time I didn’t drift into it, but took the full immersed plunge into it. So far, I told only a select few in my family. Thus, Thanksgiving will be spent entirely in “man mode” out of respect.

About 4 months ago one of my daughters had a boyfriend that was a lazy, good-for-nothing moocher. Now, we couldn’t tell her that. He was “the greatest thing since sliced bread.” About a month ago she started seeing him for what he is, not what she wanted him to be. So, she broke up with him, but didn’t kick him out or HER house. He wouldn’t leave and started showing aggression against her and my 6-year-old chronically ill granddaughter. So, Thanksgiving morning, my daughter had enough. She raced over to my eldest daughter’s house (where I was staying) and told us that he threatened her and my granddaughter. Son-in-law and I raced over to HER house and he wouldn’t let us in. I picked the garage door lock and told him to “LEAVE NOW.” He said, “Or what? You have no right to remove me from this house.” I said, “The hell I don’t! Get the F*&# out of my daughter’s house (I never cuss, but it was necessary this time). I did whatever I could to try to get him to hit me so I could take him out. But, he was very cunning. He wouldn’t initiate physical contact. So, I called 911. While on with 911, he starts packing. Before the cops arrive, he was gone. Without getting into a long story, I was totally in “man mode” and felt really good about it. I protected my family, showed aggression, but was in total control. I believe my femininity kept me from pounding the guy’s face to the ground and possibly going to jail.

So, jerk is gone and I'm trying to enjoy the rest of my time with family. I was asked to play football. I was hesitant for 2 reasons: 1) I hadn’t played in probably 10+ years (badly broke arm in 2002. Never been same); 2) didn’t want to hurt the body I’m now trying to effeminate. Well, since I’ve been working out, I feel fine. I’m lean, I’m mean, I’m ready to play. I kept up with my 18- and 16- year old nephews. As a matter of fact, to even out the teams, I became all-time quarterback (that’s quarterback for both teams). I could not believe how good I was. Only about 3 bad passes out of probably 30 throws. 1 interception (receivers fault – haha). However, I was playing in desert sand and slipped several times skinning my knees. First thought, “Oh no. My girly legs!” Even in total ‘man mode’ I still had feminine vanity. Still had a blast.

On Sunday, my 6-year-old granddaughter (Child of same daughter that had moocher boyfriend) became deathly ill 105 + temp. My granddaughter has a very rare genetic defect and certain internal organs can shut down with little warning. So, she’s been in the hospital quite a bit since she was born. So, again, I had to be of sound mind and reason. Keeping heads cool and take care of things when others were panicking. It was scary, but she is out of the hospital today. If anyone wants more details on my granddaughter, you can PM me.

Prior to this Thanksgiving, I was really starting to lean toward being Anne full-time. But, this weekend while in ‘man-mode’ I decided, “No. I must be a man.” Not just for my family, but I also got a lot of fulfillment from being able to do such things. I need to hold on to those traditional roles men play (bread winner, protector, leader, and showing strength).

However, I came home Monday and dressed Anne. As I was applying makeup I started feeling more and more feminine. It only took about 15 minutes for makeup. Put on LBD (see http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?185328-Anne-s-LBD-(Long-Black-Dress) thread). I couldn’t believe how good I looked. I had lost more weight and looked even more feminine.

Now, I’m confused again. I really enjoy being in and get fulfillment from ‘fem mode’, but I also get satsfaction being in ‘man mode’. I do enjoy things in ‘man mode’ but don’t get the excitement. Playing football was great. But, dressing up and dancing around the house to some classic rock was so much more fun and exhilarating.

Still seeking balance…..

[Sheren Kelly]

Anne,
I am with you in this paradox. When I allow myself to be femme, I want to go as far as my situation will let me (and then some) but I always find myself returning to the reality that I am not a woman and there will always be an artificiality to my presenting as one.

However I am finding less joy in male mode these days, so in a sense, I have no home.

As you discovered, finding balance will be a lifelong quest.

[Lady Catherine]

I truly enjoy being a man. But, I also really enjoy presenting as a woman. I wear whichever persona fits for the situation. I suggest you try to embrace both sides of you, and enjoy everything life has to offer.

[kimdl93]

I understand the dilemma. I have certain elements of my life that require me in male mode. The truth is I am transgendered, bot transsexual. I have the interest,need and desire to live en femme most of my life, but I accommodate the other side as needed. For now, I've found a workable balance. I don't let it trouble me.

[RenneB]

Same here.... I've tried to embrace the best of both worlds and just accept who I am. Oh I'm sure if I had known I wasn't the only one in this world born like this years ago.... yea pre-'net.. I might have taken a different path, but I'm where I am now living both lives with different friends in each and never to two should meet. It's a highly compartmentalized way of living, but it works for me....

Renne.....

[AnneB1nderful]

It's so weird. As I sit here and type, I'm dressed in a very girly attire, playing with my hair, sitting up proper, etc. I don't know what it feels like to be a woman. But, this sure feels good and feels right. At this moment, I want to be like this all the time. Even when in "man mode" I think about being in "fem mode". But, rarely, very rarely, do I think about being in "man mode" when I'm in "fem mode". I have to force myself out of "fem mode". Usually because of some duty or responsibility.

Has anyone else felt this way?

Does this fade?

Where are you now in this duality?

[AmyGaleRT]

I'm totally with you, Anne. I'm all girly myself as I type this, too. (New dress! Just showed up today! Purple floral maxi with sleeves, lace-edged collar, and a flounced hem. I love the length and the way it flows as I walk. :) )

I enjoy being Amy, but I can't abandon my male self entirely; that self is too important to a lot of things, my fiancee certainly far from least among them! But part of me does feel absolutely at home as Amy, and it's been wonderful to let myself be her on a more regular basis. I do get reluctant to let her go, though, after I've been her for awhile.

I think you and I are seeking the same thing: to balance our male and female selves into something like a whole person. But it's understandable that, after the girl inside has been suppressed for so long, she wants to come back with a vengeance. ;)

- Amy

[Angela Campbell]

Anne I understand completely. I think it is the conditioning from being raised and living so long as a male. We were taught to be a man, we were expected to be a man and spent many years learning to be a man. It is not easy to let go of something that was so ingrained. My whole life I was doing what was expected of me by my family and the world, even though the entire time I knew it wasn't right for me. The problem was I kept denying who and what I really was. Deep down I knew I was a woman inside but had to be a man for everyone else. I became good at being a man but now it is really hard to be a woman because I was never able to learn how to be a woman. I know I am a TG and would love to transition and live as a woman but that is just not the best way I can live my life, so I have decided to live as both. Sometimes I live as a girl and sometimes I play the part of a man because for me that makes more sense. Besides I have so much to learn about becoming a lady it may take the rest of my life to even get halfway there.

[Brenda79135]

I think you are probably close to being balanced now. Ask youself, 'What would I have done different if I was dressed?' The answer probably would be nothing different. Protecting your family will come no matter how you are dressed. Yes he would have seen you less of a threat. But being caught by a sleeper would have given you an edge. The saying 'Don't get between a mama bear and her cubs' comes to mind. All humans are capable of agression if pushed far enough. Youshowed you have a level head and a caring heart in stressful situations. This will be there with you no matter how you are dressed.

[Beverley Sims]

I think you have the balance about right.
Be a man for the family, when needed and for recreation be the woman that you want to be.
You do need to consider the family as no1. That was your prime aim in life some years ago.
Dressing is a great recreation.

[carhill2mn]

This "dualness" is an issue for many of us. Even though we thoroughly enjoy our time looking and acting like a woman, we do not totally abandon our male self. This can be both a blessing and a curse. As for me, I maintain my male self for the benefit of family members (a few of them 'know") and friends (who do not "know").

[AnneB1nderful]

Thanks everyone. I guess Sometimes that "pink fog" gets pretty thick and you forget about priorities and responsibilities. Your posts gave me a much needed reality check.

[Eryn]

I tend to agree. I built my life in my birth gender and I have acquired responsibilities to others in that role. I absolutely enjoy the time I am able to spend en femme but sooner or later I have to go back to fulfill my obligations.

[ChelseaErtel]

I understand and that's probably a much better outcome than my situation. I hate being in man-mode. If I could be Chelsea to the end of days I would and never regret it once. Sure, I'd protect my children. I'd hate to be on the angry side of my wife if someone messed with our children - whew look out.

I don't like my body, I hate my naughty bits and dream of having a female body to match my brain. But I'm 52 and time and family will guide me in my final outcome. If you are comfortable in both modes, then that is the best of outcomes. Enjoy both and use each to its own advantage.

[ArleneRaquel]

Chelsea,
Thank you for an awesome post, I loved it.

[flatlander_48]

I’ve experienced so much over the past month. Since I decided to no longer fight, but embrace my femininity. I feel like I’ve learned more about myself in this short time than I have over the past 47 years. I’ve also learned a lot about this community (CD, TG, Homosexual, Bi-Sexual, Multi-Sexual….whatever you want to label it). I used to have a great amount of disdain (not judgment). I’ve learned that the disdain I had was not because of who or what they were, but because who and what I was trying NOT to be. I no longer have that disdain, but regard for those carrying these social stigmas.

These categories are not something to easily dismiss. Under one of those labels you will find that we are all in there; somewhere. We are not all the same and we come by many different paths. However, two things bind us together. In terms of the larger society, we all fall in the realm of what's called sexual minorities. It's a bit of an unfortunate title and is not completely accurate, but so far no one has come up with something better. The other thing that binds is together is the recognition of our female sides. While some of us are truly trapped in the wrong body, most of us have this dual perception of how we look at ourselves and relate to the the rest of the world.

Anyway, glad things eventually worked themselves out. And remember, we're all just trying to do the best we can...

[DebbieL]

I have a concern about the whole spirit of this thread. In each case, you took acts that required courage - not testosterone! You addressed a situation which called for taking a firm stand, and were prepared to take appropriate action to defend and protect people you cared about. This is not "girl mode" or "boy mode".

Boy mode, the "macho answer" would have been to go directly to direct physical violence, which would not have solved the problem, or threat of violence, which might have ended up backfiring. Instead you made it clear that you were willing to bring in the authorities if necessary and when it became clear that you were making a threat that you were fully prepared to carry out, your perpetrators backed down and disappeared.

I remember on one of my outings, a man saw me in a skirt and heels, and he said "You gotta have balls to do that" - I responded "No, actually, balls are a liability, and need to be put where they can't be seen, and having a short shaft helps too, since I can just flatten it. But it DOES take COURAGE to wear a short skirt in public, for me, and for EVERY WOMAN who wears one.

Courage is not measured by what's between our legs, and courageous acts are performed by women all the time, as well as by transsexuals and CDs who take a number of courageous steps as they first venture from closet to house, from house to out in public, and every step in between.

It's very sad that so many who have contributed to this thread felt that the their courage was only available to "Man Mode", when in fact, it was their courage as CDs and TGs that has taught them to take risks, take a stand, and not be intimidated by the words or rudeness of others.

[AnneB1nderful]

Years ago I had a niece that was very aggressive..to her grandmother especially....
Anyway, glad things eventually worked themselves out. And remember, we're all just trying to do the best we can...

Stephanie,

Thanks for sharing your story. Many would consider that the way we express our femininity would make us docile. Our stories prove that is NOT the case. Heaven help anyone that doesn't understand that and chooses to allow aggression to escalate. Cause gloves are coming off and won't care if I break a nail.


I have a concern about the whole spirit of this thread. In each case, you took acts that required courage - not testosterone!...

It's very sad that so many who have contributed to this thread felt that the their courage was only available to "Man Mode", when in fact, it was their courage as CDs and TGs that has taught them to take risks, take a stand, and not be intimidated by the words or rudeness of others.

Debbie,
I totally agree with everything you said. I didn't mean to imply that CDers or anyone referenced lacked courage. The only one that I meant to imply that lacked courage was me, when I was not accepting who I truly was. The theme was supposed to be how to be aggressive, yet in control. Most men can easily become aggressive, but they lose control. In man mode, I was very aggressive toward that jerk moocher. However, I believe my femininity kept it under control. Another point I tried to make was that I don't like to be aggressive, but realize I have to at times. For me, it would have been a lot harder to demonstrate aggression if I were in fem mode. But, being in man mode, I was able to do what I had to.

I really appreciate your comments. Courage is demonstrated in so many different ways. Your post shows you are a very courageous person no matter what mode you're in.

[AnneB1nderful]

These categories are not something to easily dismiss. Under one of those labels you will find that we are all in there; somewhere. We are not all the same and we come by many different paths. However, two things bind us together. In terms of the larger society, we all fall in the realm of what's called sexual minorities. It's a bit of an unfortunate title and is not completely accurate, but so far no one has come up with something better. The other thing that binds is together is the recognition of our female sides. While some of us are truly trapped in the wrong body, most of us have this dual perception of how we look at ourselves and relate to the the rest of the world.

Flatlander_48,

I'm still trying to figure this whole thing out. For me, when I'm in man mode, I'm totally a masculine. When I'm in Anne mode, I feel completely feminine. I couldn't see myself being able to show such aggression as Anne. Sometimes I feel like I'm trapped in the wrong body. I really enjoy being immersed in femininity. But, then I experience something like this Thanksgiving and I realize I have to be a man sometimes.

Thanks for your insight.