How we overcome guilt or shame

[LelaK]

Last year on this thread, http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?160378-Guilt-the-enemy-of-the-crossdresser, someone said:

- I think the strongest emotion I have related to crossdressing and being transgendered is shame (defined by Webster's as: a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety)
- I think one of the basic premises of guilt in relation to CD'ing is that we are somehow hurting, embar[r]assing, or causing discomfort to others. Their emotional reaction, however, is their own choice. We harm no one by crossdressing. They only harm themselves.
I think I agree. I was thinking that I've never felt guilt about crossdressing, but I think I have felt shame, but only about imagining what others might think about me, if they knew I crossdressed.

I secretly took one of my sister's dresses, probably in my early teen years, and hid it in my bed and occasionally I put it on in the bathroom when mostly no one was around. One day Mother found it there in my bed and asked me in a very disapproving tone of voice and with a frown, while she showed it to me in her hand and while my sister was present, why I put it there. I had a fleeting feeling of embarrassment, but I quickly answered something like "I wanted to see how long it would take for her to notice it was missing."

Luckily, she seemed satisfied with my answer and quickly dropped the matter. If I had no shame, I don't think I would have felt embarrassment at all, so there must have been some shame, or something very similar.

I also have concern about upsetting loved ones' impressions of me. Some, like Anne Schaef, have said that's "impression management", a control issue, in which we try to control other people's impressions of us, which is delusional and illogical, or the like. I'm not sure that's exactly true, but I suppose it's close to true.

I believe it's important not to hurt anyone, as far as we're able, but maybe it's good to help others come to understand that everyone needs to take responsibility for their own over-sensitivity, which that seems to be. I'm probably over-sensitive myself in a similar way, since I tend to dislike imagining men I know crossdressing for example.

So my own desire to see others the way I'm used to seeing them seems to be almost as rigid as such desires among the general population. However, I've progressed somewhat, since I'm finding the appearances of other crossdressers on this forum, on Youtube etc acceptable and even attractive.

How have others of you overcome guilt, shame, or embarrassment over crossdressing? Are any of you truly able to accept imagining loved ones as crossdressers, or in any other unusual but harmless role? Does it help to practice imagining them in such ways?

(As an aside, the scene I described above seems to support a supposed astrological trait of mine, which says that my emotions are geared to my defense. I feel rather lucky in that respect, if it's true, as it seems to be.)

[Gillian Gigs]

I have overcome by admitting to myself that I could not change me, so the best that I could do was just accept myself, quirks and all. There are times that I do revisit this whole issue to only realize that nothing has changed, so just continue to accept. These little habits that we have on this site are not readly accepted by society on the whole, so depending on our comfort level, we usually keep it to ourselves, or those very close to us. There will always be people that will not accept others for even the most simplest of reasons, that should never stop us from accepting ourselves, quirks and all.

[Jaymees22]

Hi Lela, A friend of mine says that life is too short to feel guilty, so I make that my philosophy on guilt. I guess I do feel some shame as I wouldn't like to be found out by my friends or family. My wife knows but we're in the DADT mode, sometimes she asks though, I don't feel ashamed with her. Seeing others crossdressed here seems fine but seeing someone in the real world is another story. A co-worker of mine was transgendered and at the time it seemed strange, but now I see how brave that person is. So I think I'm progressing too. Hugs Jaymee

[Laura912]

Only in the past year of a long history of dressing, was I able to over come the impediments of guilt, shame, and embarrassment (three for three!) and enjoy this with wife's support. We got rid of my worst enemy in this...me!

[Kate Simmons]

I used to feel guilty after I dressed over the years but once I got to really know myself and my feelings, I said the hell with it. I just don't have time to feel guilty or be ashamed as it is as much a part of me as breathing. Don't get me wrong, I can dress well as a man also and enjoy it. My GF almost swoons whenever I wear a suit and tie but she also says I look great en femme. It's mostly about what we do with who we are and how we handle it. ;):battingeyelashes::)

[Jocelyn Quivers]

Spending an entire lifetime trying to accept, and sometimes still fighting what I am. Also dealing with the horrible mess it's caused in my life, I decided to go the straightfoward method in acceptance. If I'm going to accept being trans, not only will I accept it, but I will put my 100% best effort in looking my best, no half way, half a##ed slacked off dressing, it's all or nothing.

[Karren H]

Its been more than a decade since I've felt guilty..... and it wasn't an overnight revelation ..... more of a gradual acceptance that it wasn't going away so it was time to embrace it and move on no mater how I really felt about it...... and life got better... much much better....

[stephNE]

I don't feel guilt nor shame for myself. I do worry about my wife. I know she loves me and supports my dressing, but sometimes I worry that she might be happier with a manly man, one who never wears dresses. She has never said anything to make me have these thoughtss, so maybe its just my own insecurities.

[franlee]

I have to say that guilt has never been an issue for me. And I'm not ashamed, but that's not right either because it's a different emotion like shyness and inability to relate to the public or others for reasons beyond my control. I would not have to even consider these things if it weren't for protecting my Loved-ones from the public's reaction to my CDing. So I never had to overcome either, but I have struggled with the desire to just say to Hell with it! and do it. But the other cosiquinces and people that would be affected keep me in check.
I hate hypocrites and sometimes I feel like I'm one for not stepping up, then I remember that's not hypocracy it's discression and reason. On one other note that has been a simular issue for me, if CDing was a selfish act on my part I wouldn't hesitate to go public. I mean full blown not the outings like I have done with planning and control.

[Tara D. Rose]

To me, guilt, shame and embarrassment have separate meanings. For many years I felt all three, which lead to a very expensive purge. Now after all these years of self searching and from reading on here, I have lost the shame and the guilt, but I would still become embarrassed like if my children were to find out and confront me. The reason being because I know they would be coming from the usual social stigmatisms most commonly associated with cross-dressing , and from that misunderstanding, I would feel embarrassment, but still guilt and shame would not be there.
You can have all three or just one without the other two.
Like for instance, I’m not ashamed to belch in a restaurant, but I would be embarrassed. So today, I feel not guilt or shame anymore, but I do try not to become embarrassed by my cross dressing. So if all of society did view us like we know us on here, then I would not have embarrassment still here. I would be guilt, shame, and embarrassment free.
So right now in reality, the guilt and shame are gone, but I could still become embarrassed in certain situations.

[NathalieX66]

I overcame my guilt and self-loathing after the October 2008 stock market crash. My company laid off a bunch of it's staff, I took a pay cut, and was on the verge of losing my house because of my wracking growing debt back then. Prior to that, I was in deep denial, and have purged several times , in my attempt to cure myself.

When I went back into CD'ing after Christmas weekend 2008, it was to self medicate myself.....and it worked!.....too well. Now I dress like a woman, except for my work. It is me, that is a fact, and it will probably never change. It was a decision in life that I contemplated often, and as we all know, life is a journey not a destination, I decided to travel this road with the full understanding of what I would risk.

Sure, I save my guy jeans for runs at Home Depot, and yes I do enjoy being a man during those times, but those feelings will not last forever. that's just me.

[Ann Thomas]

I agree fully about the guilt and shame being the major part of crossdressing that so many of us have to deal with. I did as well. I think my best help came from the Choices seminar that Thelma Box runs. She was once a partner with Dr. Phil McGraw and his dad, years ago. The seminar taught me many things, and among them, to be honest and not hide for the sake of someone else's feelings. I can't be happy living my life to fulfill someone else's dreams.

That brings me to the point I'd like to make. I disagree that we are the only ones that are hurt by our crossdressing. We truly, and deeply, hurt our loved ones. It should not be intentional on our parts, and rarely is, but hurt it does cause. Years ago many of us have gotten married or into a relationship with someone, and either we did not know where this path would take us, down Pink Fog Lane, or that we even had a clue it was around the corner. So, our beloved spouses have built their lives around an image we were maintaining back then. The problem is, we CDs and TSs change, and we change into something that just may not fit our spouses image of how they wanted to grow old. Most of the time our spouses aren't Bi - they're mostly hetero, or you'd have never married (or become SOs) to begin with! So, where does that leave the spouse? Lost! In a sea of pain! You might be on a little tropical paradise surrounded by Pink Fog, but they're in a dark place, having lost the love of their life. That, my friend, is pain.

Do we, as CDs and TSs,, abandon the path we're on in order to maintain the status quo of a relationship? The answer to that is as unique as each situation. Some do abandon their inner feelings (or try to hide them.) Some reach a compromise of some sort. Others must leave the relationship, sadly. And then there's the ones that one can't simply divorce themselves from, either parents, siblings, or children. Their pain is deep, if they have built themselves a life around you being a certain person, that you no longer can be.

So, in the end, I can't agree that it only hurts ourselves.

Guilt and shame come along and torpedo me out of the blue now and then. This week was one of them. Yesterday was bad. I stayed away from the computer the last few days, because I kept having thoughts of deleting all my accounts, like here and elsewhere, and never talking about it again, just fading out of the picture. I'm glad it seems to have passed, but it took me some time to identify the source and deal with it.

Pain isn't all bad. Without it, we cannot relate to one another. Some people want to feel pain just to know they're alive.

Ann

[docrobbysherry]

Good post, Ann. I believe I could completely get rid of the guilt/shame feelings if I had no family or friends to be concerned about.

What I've done that has helped me A LOT, Lela, is hanging out with other TG dressers. They r all such lovely, remarkable, accepting folks. And, not pervs, like me!

As u can see, I'm still a work in progress!

[AnneB1nderful]

Ann C.,

I agree with you. But, not sure it's the CDing that is the true cause of pain to our loved ones. It's probably more of the lies, deceit, and denial, not necessarily to our loved ones, but to ourselves.

[LelaK]

Nathalie: I overcame my guilt and self-loathing after the October 2008 stock market crash. My company laid off a bunch of it's staff, I took a pay cut, and was on the verge of losing my house because of my wracking growing debt back then. Prior to that, I was in deep denial, and have purged several times , in my attempt to cure myself.
- When I went back into CD'ing after Christmas weekend 2008, it was to self medicate myself.....and it worked!.....too well. Now I dress like a woman, except for my work. It is me, that is a fact, and it will probably never change. It was a decision in life that I contemplated often, and as we all know, life is a journey not a destination, I decided to travel this road with the full understanding of what I would risk.
I'm sorry that anyone ever had to experience much false guilt or especially self-loathing. I have experienced false guilt a little sometimes, but I luckily saw soon that it was false. It's obvious to me that true guilt is a good thing, because it tells us when we do something wrong, so we can make amends and heal our relationships. But it's often hard to distinguish true from false guilt.

False guilt comes from imperfect upbringing, which persuades us that things are bad that are not bad. We believe it out of respect for our elders. I was taught that boys acting or looking feminine was bad, but I never believed it, though I never said so. I guess I learned not to believe everything elders say, because my parents had lots of disagreements, so I learned to disagree as well. How fortunate. I hadn't thought about that before.

Instead of loathing myself, I've tended more to loathe society for its shortcomings. Maybe that's a bit better, but I doubt if it's actually entirely healthy either, because it involves fear, which seems to be self-defeating. Fear is expectation of unbearable discomfort and it's as unrealistic to think others will bring me to that horrible destination as it is to think that I'll get there on my own.


Steph: I don't feel guilt nor shame for myself. I do worry about my wife. I know she loves me and supports my dressing, but sometimes I worry that she might be happier with a manly man, one who never wears dresses. She has never said anything to make me have these thoughtss, so maybe its just my own insecurities.
I hope your experience discussing this matter here on the forum will help you learn to discuss such concerns with your wife too. If you're sensing your wife's needs accurately, would you be willing to try to satisfy her need for a manly man part of the time, or to explore ideas with her about how to help satisfy her need, if she has such a need?

[Beverley Sims]

Never felt shame, but some guilt feelings and how to hide the malady that was me. :)

[Vanessa5]

For a long long time I felt all of those and added depression because I always felt flawed. This is goning to sound cliched' but when I found this site and realized I am not the only one who crossdressed I found it easier to accept this part of me. Then once I accepted this part of me most of the guilt and shame went away. It didn't fully go away until I came out to my wife. For 2 1/2 years living in DADT I thought I was finally free of the baggage. One night I came home from work and my wife asked "are those womens jeans? Aren't you ashamed!?". That is when those feelings came back. I have gotten back to accepting myself even if my wife won't.

[Missy]

shame is what others try to put on me like saying "shame on you" while quilt comes from with in myself for feeling bad that I am doing something wrong.
so I do not care what others think of me accept my Wife and she keep letting me know that she loves me no matter what. and as for quilt I feel that I am not doing anything wrong so why should I feel guilty for wearing what allows me to be comfy. that how I deal with Shame or Quilt

[Miriam-J]

I don't feel guilt nor shame for myself. I do worry about my wife. I know she loves me and supports my dressing, but sometimes I worry that she might be happier with a manly man, one who never wears dresses. She has never said anything to make me have these thoughtss, so maybe its just my own insecurities.
Like Steph, I do worry about my wife and the impact on our relationship. But she has been wonderfully reassuring about this, helping me to understand that, while she doesn't get any thrill from my dressing as a gal, she understands that it's all part of the package that she does love and appreciate. The aspects of my personality that drive me to crossdress also help me to be a better man, and a better man isn't necessarily more "manly". But I wouldn't know any of this if we didn't work so hard to maintain communication on the issues that are important to each and both of us.

Miriam