What is the GOAL?

[Anne2345]

In large part, my life has been based upon setting goals, and working towards achieving those goals. In this, I am no different than anyone else. Because the truth of the matter is that we are a goal-oriented society by nature, and this orientation serves for the foundation and basis for achieving forward progress, self-fulfillment, and enlightenment.

Individually, many set goals that are consistent with the ideas, beliefs, and customs of the collective. In so doing, people find comfort in numbers, and safety in conformance. Graduating from school, obtaining employment, raising a family, and buying a house are all noteworthy, yet common and expected goals to set one’s sights on.

The thing is, not everyone is the same, and not everyone shares the same common traits and characteristics of the masses. Some of us, indeed, have very specific, individual needs, desires, and inclinations that deviate from the norm, which may be looked upon with skepticism, fear, and rejection by those who do not, or cannot, understand.

For such folk who happen to be different, the options appear at times to be rather limited. Or, if options are available, the exercising of such options may come bearing a steep price. In these instances, such folk that are different must choose between whether to take the road less travelled, or to just grin, bear it, and move on, if at all possible.

I firmly believe and know myself to be transsexual. I do not choose to be this way. I do not want to be this way. I take no pride, delight, or gratification in being transsexual. Simply put, I was born wrong, and I am not right. I have the exterior of a male, and the interior of a woman.

And this slight mix-up and unfortunate mishap of nature has turned my life upside down, all around, and inside out.

So what do I do about it?

Do I ultimately transition at the risk of losing my friends, family, and career that I have fought so hard to obtain and maintain throughout my life?

Or do I man-up, do nothing, suck it up, and take one for the team?

I know some within this forum advocate on behalf of taking a middle road, where one can exist in either world as necessary. And if, in fact, such a middle road exists, I truly envy those that are able to tread along its path, and I wish them all very well.

But the further I seem to travel down my own path, wherever it may ultimately lead, the less likely I believe there to be a middle road for me. Already I know to my very core that my body is absolutely wrong, and that my insides do not match my outsides.

So how is it possible to reconcile this abomination of a truth? Is it even possible to reconcile without going to extremes and taking head-on all of the potential risk involved?

I mean, what do I need to do?

What can I keep from doing?

What can I avoid doing?

What do I have to do?

What is my actual goal here?


curing gender dysphoria is the neccessary condition ...everything else is gravy..

Going through gender dysphoria has been the most intense, desperate, miserable, chaotic, confusing, and painful experience of my life. I would not wish gender dysphoria on anyone.

That said, I would do almost anything to be rid of it.

Make no mistake, though, it is my express goal to exorcise the demons of dysphoria from my spirit.

But . . . .


Apparently something about transition is perceived as romantic despite every T-girl who has done it saying it's tough. It is in fact the toughest thing you will ever do . . .

In my mind, there is nothing romantic about the reality of transition.

Instead, it seems to me to be a desperate, high-stakes, high-risk gamble reserved only for those who truly are no longer without choice or any other viable options. In this regard, as I view it, the potential for tragedy looms high. The likelihood of living in anonymity and simply being accepted as a real woman, by an uneducated and generally fearful society, appears low. And the probability of loss seems to me to be significant.

Accordingly, I have absolutely no doubt in my mind whatsoever that if I go the route of transition, that it will be the toughest thing I will ever do. On this basis, given my experience to date, this acknowledgement scares the total crap out of me, because simply arriving at my own current destination, which falls far, far short of transition, has been the hardest and toughest thing I have done to date. So I cannot imagine the strength, courage, and conviction (whether rooted in desperation or not) it must require to take the plunge and go through with it all. Or at least, I can’t imagine it yet . . . . :straightface:

Still, in regard to gender, my goal in life has been to stay as far away from transition as possible. I have gone to great lengths, in fact, and waged many personal battles and wars to keep such thoughts at bay. It’s funny, though, because the losses have been piling up over the past couple of years, as I have lost personal battle after personal battle after personal battle.

I now recognize that I cannot continue to wage war and fight myself in the manner in which I have throughout my life. It was killing me. I wanted to die. I hated myself, and I cursed the world.

That is now all in the past, though.

The lesson learned, however, was relatively simple – one simply cannot continue to live like that over the long run. It is not sustainable.

But it may be that the alternative is not viable, either, should I risk and subsequently lose all those things I cannot bear the thought of potentially sacrificing. Either way, tragedy may rear its ugly head and bite deep with its sharp fangs. This, however, appears to be the overlaying dilemma faced by transsexuals. There are pitfalls and consequences attendant with any and every decision made or not made.

Because of this, for a plethora of reasons, the “logical” side of my being does not desire to transition. For instance, I know that I will lose my marriage and career if I transition. I also know that I could not remain in my community, the bastion of social conservatism that it is, with any realistic hope of living a "normal" life. In short, I would have to leave my home and begin life anew elsewhere.

As such, my goal is to do whatever it takes not to transition.

The thing is, though, that I keep getting dragged further and further down my path. Quite literally, I am on the eve of beginning HRT. I have my wife’s blessing, my letter, and a doc that will begin my therapy soon.

It is my hope that HRT, along with some other lifestyle modifications, will be enough, and that I will not have to go any further down whatever road I currently travel. In this regard, it is my hope that I will be able to retain my sanity, find peace within myself, and move on with life.

In essence, I suppose, my goal is primarily one of prevention, as opposed to achievement.

As with everything else, though, none of this has been easy. On the other hand, I no longer fear the future in the same debilitating manner I did before, so perhaps it’s a wash. I don’t know. But really, and if I am honest with myself, the truth is that all of the strategies, coping mechanisms, and defenses I have utilized over the years have failed miserably and have caused nothing short of deep, dark depression.

The difference now, however, is that I actually look forward to and embrace the “next step” (HRT). In contrast, I completed all preceding “steps” of progress kicking, screaming, and crying for help. This change in mindset is of no small consequence. For the first real time in my life, I feel hope that my life may actually work out after all.

But is a goal of prevention, if this is what it truly is, sustainable? Will it work? Can it work?

If not, what should the goal be?

Or am I just plain over thinking it all again as usual? :straightface:

[Debglam]

Anne,

Here are my 2 cents for what it is worth. Only you, your spouse, and your therapist can offer any concrete advice as to what you need to do. You will figure it out and I’m fairly certain that you are starting to see the path that YOU need to take. But with that said, there is time. You mentioned that your wife is OK with HRT but you are certain that you will lose her. Take it one step at a time Anne. I understand your broader situation and I get it. You may be right or you may find yourself surprised at people’s outlooks. You may start down one path and end up on another. Who knows for certain? You should be gaining some peace from the fact that you are clearly seeing the “problem” and a path to the “solution.” One step at a time is the advice I offer you. You don’t need a master plan and you don’t need to know the end result right now.

Debby

[Wildaboutheels]

Very nice, well written post Anne. As I have no guilt whatsoever, I have no earthly idea what many of you go through on a daily basis. Two things come to mind though. I think it is not always necessary to have a goal. Especially IF/when we have no idea of our eventual destination. Quite obviously, it looks like you have struggled with this for many years but one thing in your post jumps out at me, that IMO is the key.

"Simply put, I was born wrong, and I am not right. I have the exterior of a male, and the interior of a woman."

Until and unless you can banish tha word "wrong" from you way of thinking, I believe a full transition [simply based on so much of what I have read here at these Forums] is the only way you will ever have peace with YOURself. If you can't have peace with/love yourself, how much use can you really be to any/all of your loved ones? When we truly love someone, we WANT to see them happy even when it might not be something that we like or agree with? JMO

You do seem to be on a good path of one step at a time. Perhaps you can reach a point of peace w/o a full transition, in time. At least your wife is supportive.

[rachaelsloane]

Anne,
Debby has said much of what I would so I won't repeat her words. My two cents is, plans are just that, plans and nothing says you have to adhere to them. If you choose to start HRT, so be it, but know that that plan can be changed at a later date.
Just know that you have many friends here and we'll support you no matter which path you decide to take.
R

[kimdl93]

A wise friend of mine advised that I walk the walk and not worry about outcomes.

[Jorja]

What is the goal? The goal is to eliminate gender dysphoria from your life. To become an actual functioning, walking, talking human being who is finally at peace with herself. In your own words, “Going through gender dysphoria has been the most intense, desperate, miserable, chaotic, confusing, and painful experience of my life. I would not wish gender dysphoria on anyone. That said, I would do almost anything to be rid of it.” To my knowledge, there is only one viable option to finally rid yourself of the gender dysphoria. To move forward. To start counseling with a therapist, to start HRT and see what effect it has on you. As for the rest, the surgeries, they can wait for now.

Sure there are risks. To your health, to your personal life, and to your professional life. Nobody said it was a perfect solution. It is a desperate, high-stakes, high-risk gamble reserved only for those who truly are no longer without choice or any other viable options. Guess what? From your previous postings, you no longer have choices or any other viable options. You have tried them all, haven’t you?

I want you to look around this forum. See the people that have had success after transition. There are quite a few of us. We may not all be millionaires but we are not sitting out on the curb begging for food either (we may be if the economy doesn’t pick up). A few have successfully transitioned in place on the job. Why couldn’t you? Some of us have started our own business and are doing good. Why can’t you too? To go further than this forum, some are doctors, writers, lawyers, ministers, models, actresses, scientist, film makers, restaurant owners, therapist and even beauty shop owners. Just because we transitioned didn't mean our lives stopped and were tossed in a corner in a heap.

Yes, transition is one of the roughest things a person can go through. But, What if it makes you so happy with yourself that you allow that happiness to show in your face and actions? What if a new person blossoms and has the attitude that they can’t be stopped no matter what? What if you allow other people to see the new you as you should be? You can do whatever it is your heart desires. It is not easy by any means but it can be done.

You can continue to sit on the couch and do nothing to help yourself, or you can get up and do something about it and start living life. That is the goal.

[Tammy V]

if you ever begin to transition you will most likely ask yourself why were you fighting it so hard, be relieved to be moving forward in your journey and wondering why you were analyzing it so closely with an electron microscope. :)

[Anne2345]

Admittedly, my post was just a wee bit on the long side, and most undoubtedly a jumbled mass of confusing thoughts and words. But y'all should know by now that's simply my modus operandi. I can't help it sometimes, and it is a failing of mine.

Regardless, based upon the responses thus far, I feel compelled to clarify my current position and state of mind - I'm all good with it. I am excited about the prospect of HRT, and that I will begin it in the immediate near future. I am relieved and ecstatic over my wife's support of me. I feel a hope now that I have not felt in a long, long time, if ever. I am really looking forward to this. I have fought this my entire life. I can no longer fight it like before. I have no desire to fight it like before.

I removed thoughts, ideas, and possibilities entirely off the table before. I no longer do that. I see things through clearer eyes. Sure, I have much work ahead of me, but I actually feel good about myself. And I have felt such since I affirmatively and decisively made the decision several months back to actively pursue and being HRT. It feels right, and it is right.

So please do not confuse my jumbled mass of words with despondency, desperation, or depression. I currently feel the best I have felt in years. I embrace this. I need this. I want this.


To my knowledge, there is only one viable option to finally rid yourself of the gender dysphoria. To move forward. To start counseling with a therapist, to start HRT and see what effect it has on you.

I am doing exactly this. I started counseling on these issues on a weekly and bi-weekly basis in July 2011. Yeah. I'm a hard sell. I have a thick skull. It takes time to pound reason and the obvious through my fearful and addled brain. But, given enough time and effort, I do experience the occassional breakthrough or two here and there.


Just because we transitioned didn't mean our lives stopped and were tossed in a corner in a heap.

Please forgive me. It was not my intent to suggest such a thing. Poor wording on my part. Regardless, there is a reason why I am here, along with all the others just like me. We see the success stories such as you, and all of the others who offer and share their respective experience and wisdom. There is much to learn from failure, and there is much to learn from success. I did not mean to insinuate that those who transitioned are tossed into a corner in a heap. And I did not mean to suggest that every story is a failure. Like I said, I wouldn't be here if I believed as much. You and the others have my utmost respect and admiration . . . . :)


You can continue to sit on the couch and do nothing to help yourself, or you can get up and do something about it and start living life. That is the goal.

I could not agree more. It just took me a long time to arrive at this conclusion. As I mentioned before, I am doing something about it. For the first real time in my life, I am doing something about it!!!


if you ever begin to transition you will most likely ask yourself why were you fighting it so hard, be relieved to be moving forward in your journey and wondering why you were analyzing it so closely with an electron microscope. :)

Lol! Yeah. Me and my stupid electron microscope. I'm going to donate it to Goodwill tomorrow . . . . :)

[melissaK]

I love your post Anne. It's about me right? Well I guess not, but a lot of its close. I think you know I'm on HRT only going on something like 5-6 years now. It felt great. It still feels great. I have breasts and no guilt about it - it feels that right.

I like metaphors - the logician in me viewed starting HRT without electrolosis and without RLE as a way to slow pedal the transition bike without falling over. I still fell over. The abject pain of not fully transitioning crept back in and brought the black hole of depression and suicidal despair with it. Truth is it was worse than ever and I've never hurt so bad or felt such despair.

Perhaps it'll be different for you. Perhaps the time you buy while slow pedaling will be worth it to you.

I'm sick of the pain. I can't survive it anymore. So real deal transition is my fate and now my goal.

I'm not sure how I'm getting from here to there and I'm not sure what the journeys going to be like, but I'm going to find out. And the journey is damned likely to hurt in its own right - losing my wife looks likely and that will leave a hole like I've never experienced. My job? I'll need to reinvent myself. And then there's all the other stuff. But yep, that's my goal.

[noeleena]

Hi,

Haveing goals or things you can look at & say id like to do that . i never had issues about doing, i enjoyed doing things that i set out to do. done most of them & quite happy in so doing ,

Now there are other things im doing just not a goal any more or needed,

I spos youll be thinking what about being a woman hmmm thats different, i had no say there, how i was born was set so no changes there, there were many many changes along the way of cause, just not this change from male to female, know thats whats implyed,

Well you know im intersex, so what could i change, nothing really i did not see a female in a male body if thats ment,

i missed out on some miner details like wheres my womb & why cant i have my baby my hormones & other should have worked details were not to be, yet does not stop me from being female or a woman. from birth just different thats all.

& no i did not get a masive headache thinking about the what ifs or could be's it was im a mixed person so have a life get on with it as i was told, so i have, my saveing grace is im happy who i am even with my disadvantages hey i do have other advantages, so ill work on the best i have & after that what does it really matter, i have a neat life, content happy & know who i am. i dont need a ...goal.... im liveing it,

...noeleena...

[KellyJameson]

The problem Anne is some of us have so much damn femininity inside us that a "boy body" just will not contain it so you go through life feeling like you are choking on your own heart that wants to be free.

And the problem is femininity has absolutely no meaning as I use it in relation to cis-gendered women but it is the only word I can think of to name the feeling of what was trying to get out that made me resent my body

Gender dysphoria is a train wreck and we are all just passengers but everyone accuses us of being the engineer (as if we have any say in it)

The Matrix is a good movie because it is a waking from a perceived truth and into the truth of reality.

Finding the truth of reality is a b...h with a capital B and anyone that needs to do it is going to pay in blood, sweat ,tears and money

Searching for the truth is work and the only reason anybody does it is because they are in pain. Also anybody that has spent time searching for the truth knows it always brings more pain before there is any relief so not only is it work but somewhere you have to find the courage to intentionally walk into the fire.

Transitioning is about destruction as well as creation to the degree that you transition. This is different but similar for everyone and I agree with others who have said to only do the minimum of what you need to do.

But that is the paradox because you will not know what the minimum is until the "doing" takes place so it is stepping onto a path without being sure where or when you will be able to step off.

The injustice is we did not take the first step onto this path, it was decided for us but we have to walk it.

Sometimes I think about my life in wonder because it is a miracle that I have survived it but I'm still glad to have "it" and have lived "it" and would not change a thing.

I've noticed that "normal" people seem to be missing something inside them that I have because of this "difference" so it comes with a high cost but once you reach that point where you are at peace it really is a beautiful experience.

There is something to be said for being a woman who has lived in the body of a man and than completed the journey because you are able to understand men and women in ways few can so you stand outside of everything so hold everything in the palm of your hand.

You still live outside of everyone but it is not because they do not include you but because you know things they do not and never could.

I will aways feel like a spy when I'm with either sex because both are foreign to me by what the world has taught me "about both" from "being both" in "fact and fiction".

There is a great divide between the genders like opposing armies from different lands so on some level they are always sleeping with the enemy in relationships and I have belonged to both armies so I feel like a traitor and comrade to each army simultanously.

I suppose I will never feel like I will belong anywhere but I'm so comfortable belonging to myself that I find this is OK.

Being transsexual is surreal but I would not have it any other way.

The happiness that is allowed to others is not easily experienced but something even more valuable has been given to me which I can only think to call "enlightenment" but not because I went searching for it but because it was forced on me by design.

I think nature creates us for a reason and maybe it is to help the cis-genders live with being cis-gendered.

[KellyJameson]

By the way you look beautiful in your Avatar and your taste in clothes is much better than mine.

[josee]

Gender dysphoria is a train wreck and we are all just passengers but everyone accuses us of being the engineer (as if we have any say in it).

Kelly this sentence sums up GD so well for me, I used it for my signature. Great post by the way.

Anne, you are doing the right thing I think. It has sort of been my plan to take it one step at a time see how that feels and go from there. I have a loose long range plan in my mind but take it day by day. Who knows what will happen tomorrow? Let's live in the moment and maybe even enjoy the trip?!

[DebbieL]

Many of us struggle with this very question for years, even decades.

For myself, I have always known that if I could be assured of a desirable outcome, and didn't have to deal with to many horrible consequences, I would have transitioned 40 years ago if it had been possible.

Unfortunately, there ARE consequences, parents can reject you, wives can divorce you, lose visitation, lose your job, even be arrested for being in public, or going to the restroom.

A desirable outcome wasn't always a forgone conclusion either. I heard about Christine Jorgensen when I was 10, and wanted what she had, but that was more like castration, rather than the SRS we know today. In 1970s, Sulka looked like a woman in close-ups, but didn't have a clitoris Shannon had to be fully conscious when they tried to give her a functional clitoris. Today, operations which provide the capability for sexual satisfaction are pretty much standard practice.

Only 2 years ago, it was standard practice to try to get the patient to accept their birth gender, in December of 2011, it was considered unethical to do so.

When considering transition, there is resistance and consequences almost every step of the way. For most, none of the process is covered. Sometimes you can get a diagnosis of depression that will get the insurance to pay for it, but it's still dicey at best. Hair removal, from face, legs, arms, and elsewhere, can be expensive, time consuming, and painful. And when you start dressing to blend, you don't get that positive feedback of looking and feeling hotter than the other ''real girls".

Even after transition, there are consequences - do you go into stealth mode, trying to keep your male history secret, or do you let people know and risk rejection?

The fact that you have gone as far as you have, doing the early stages, going out, getting therapists, HRT, and identity letters, tells me that you really want to go at least to the point where you are able to live your life as a woman. I suspect that you will probably at least to SRS, and at that point you may eventually make the choice to go for the SRS.

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Anne, what a beautifully well written and carefully thought out opening post :hugs:

It used to be that people thought there were only two possibilities - transition or do nothing. Fortunately, medical science and our understanding have moved on from there. Whilst I can offer no guarantees for anyone, I sincerely hope that changing your hormone balance will allow you to temper your Gender Dysphoria sufficiently to find peace and be able to continue being married to your wife whom you love so deeply and who evidently loves you too.

It is fairly likely that you are over-thinking - many of us do!

Despite what some people might think, those of us who are transitioning (such as me) or who have transitioned, do not regard that as a universal panacea. You have expressed very well a number of down-sides which suggest to me that full transition at this point in time probably is not the best course for you. Unfortunately, I cannot say whether this will always be true or not.

I'm not sure whether your goal is prevention or containment - I guess that depends on your perspective. The first word might fit if your perspective is that of transition. I think the second word fits if your perspective is that of your Gender Dysphoria.

Jorja is right that the only way to be permanently rid of gender dysphoria is to align your body to your being, but that is not necessarily the right thing for you right now.

Some people have to learn to live with a chronic condition, but by making certain adjustments can live as close to a normal life as is possible. I hope that this proves to be the case for you regarding your dysphoria.

[stefan37]

Anne

I believe you will find hormones to quickly quench the burning anxiety and demons that are constantly present as we go about our lives. In my case all anxiety I had disappeared completely within 3 days of starting hrt. My hope is they will do the same for you, take the edge off while you walk this path. there are no rule books. There are guidelines and experiences of others that can help you to avoid the pitfalls you describe. Yes there will be Painful losses and nothing hits harder than the stark enormity than the realization that your wife may not be comfortable living with you as you change and the guilt and sadness that our condition is directly responsible for the end of a loving stable relationship. Realizing that transitioning crushes the dreams that others had for their future. That said you must be cognizant of your own inner peace. You must realize that your physical and mental health need to be addressed if you want the demons of gd gone.
Hormones for me have provided such a positive influence on my mental health combined with electrolysis confirm the decision to transition to be the right one. I have been on hormones approx 6 months and my life overall has never been better. I have a more positive attitude, my friends and family remark they have never seen me so calm and happy.
My hope is you will find the same relief from hormones to take the edge off.

As far as goals go you can set them as high or as low as you want. Take it one step at a time until you feel your comfort level has been reached and go from there.

I will say you should start to budget and start electrolysis as soon as possible. It will take much longer than you think and cost at least twice that. When i feel I am making no progress the biweekly sessions give me comfort I am doing something towards reaching inner peace. You made mention in a previous thread about impatience and I know the feeling came form a time of anguish. Well patience is the one trait you WILL have to develop. I know it will be difficult and the pain will be sometimes be intense even after starting hormones but impatience will not allow the process to get any speedier.

Only you can determine how much you are willing to sacrifice to please others or how much pain and loss can you bear to feel complete and achieve inner peace. Be warned that inner peace may not be accompanied by happiness, at least in the short term. But given time the loss of demons constantly nagging your every waking moment will be gone and happiness will be the result.

[Jorja]

Glad to hear you are finally moving forward, Anne. I hope you will find the happiness and peace of mind that has eluded you.

[Barbara Ella]

Dear Anne. A wonderful, insightful thread. My common thread is that it is non productive to spend a lot of time worrying about what may or may not be in the future. It takes way too much concentration just to make sure you are enjoying the today in your life. If what you want to do feels good, keep doing it until it doesn't. I think you are about to start a period of enjoyment, at least that is my wish.

Barbara

[Kerstin]

Beyond all the lengthy introspection is a simple choice: Do this, or do that. I used to indulge in a lot of "what if" and "who am I", and clearly it's important to have a degree of confidence that we're doing the right thing, but in the end I realised all that procrastination and cyclical self questioning became nothing more than a delaying tactic to prevent myself from arriving at answers I didn't want to accept or deal with.

[ArleneRaquel]

You can only live in the now, it Cding feels good, do it, if it doesn't stop. I plan to live the rest of my life as a female, but who knows, tomorrow I may dispise living this way, I doubt it, but if I do I will stop. Right now the idea of not being ArleneRaquel repels me, but after all tommorow is another day.

[morgan51]

What a well written post Anne I only wish you peace and self discovery. I fought this dysphoria for years it finally wore me out and down. I wanted to die but was too cowardly to kill myself so I took the next best path. I'm sooooo happy I chose life its getting better every day and my outlook on life improves with each little milestone I do or reach. Electro does seem to go on forever. It is so worth it. I'm all fuzzy right now waiting for an electrologist on monday. I'm back on hormones 5 months now after an 18 month hiatus. I'm truly loosing all relationships near and dear to me family wife daughter all caught up un hating what I have to do. I have managed to keep a relatioship with one brother a couple cousins and a good friendship with my wife I am thankfull for this. My aa family has been fairly accepting and welcoming. My work continues to prosper and do well I'm self employed so don't ned to worry about being fired. I liked your comment about your community being a bastion of conservatism mine too. I do worry about customers stoping calling but so far that has not happened and even has increased b/c of curiosity. In the end they just want service at a fair price and done professionally. I try to keep that in perspective. Doesn't mean all are accepting but it does mean I can be me right where I grew up and have a successful life.That isn't coming without pain difficulty and loss. I'd not trade it off for staying in the turmoil I was in. I'm happy and don't want to die today and I'll take that!

[ChelseaErtel]

I am in the same exact dilemma. I'm living two lives, one me which is female and one male which is my body that I hate. I am very lucky that my workplace is so accepting. They even have a formal program for transitioning transsexuals.

My wife knows now (since Nov 1) and we are working things out. I don't want to push her, but I very much want to transition. I'd start today if I could. I've seen two therapist and they both agree I'm transsexual. That is the easy part. The first hard part is figuring out my future with my wife. We had our first intimate relations last night and it was very nice. I enjoyed pleasing her, but not the normal manly way, I kept my naught bits tucked away as always. This was a very big step for both of us. It was the first time since she knew I was really a woman and the first time I loved her as a woman. I hope that as time goes she will accept me and allow me to transition - that is agree to let me transition and stay married.

Boy, those are tough goals. We love each other deeply and I hope it will be strong enough for us to stay together. I know eventually I will HAVE to transition. Like you, perhaps HRT will be enough. Even though I hate the thought of surgery, getting rid of my man parts and being as close to a woman in their anatomy as possible is a daily dream. if they could give me a uterus and ovaries I take them. My wife still thinks that once a month I get a little ill. So far she's not far off. I had about four days of feeling down and slightly ill the middle of the last three months. Who knows, kind of a funny coincidence (Had blood work done and all the tests - I'm fine).

I know I'm a woman. I know I want to transition. I know it will be painful and hard and not the dream that some think it is. I may not pass all of the time and I don't care. I am who I am and I am not going to hide. Accept me or not, it's your loss.

But, I do so love my wife and she love's me. It couldn't get any more tragic than that. Shakespeare could have written one hell of a tragedy about this.

I'm wordy too, sorry. Just know you are not alone. When you are down, come here and find comfort. I was a little down this morning and reading your post made me feel better. Thank you.

Love, Chelsea

[JohnH]

I guess I will not make the total transition to a woman. I am acquiring the shape of a genetic woman with the fat distribution and soft skin, along with breasts, changes I am really thrilled about. However, I have no desire for SRS and I would like to retain my masculine bass voice in speaking and singing. The M2F HRT is quite OK with my wife and she recognizes that I am a lot happier with the HRT even though she does tease me about my breasts - e.g. "titty boy".

John