The Situation

[Phaddic]

First I would like to say hello to everyone on the forum. I am 24 and in the military. I have deployed to Afghanistan twice. I am married and have a lot of unusual things going on in my relationship and life. First my wife found out that I have a pantyhose fetish while I was deployed this past year. She "stalked" me down on a forum and we had a very tough talk the first month into deployment. She says she is supportive and understands and wants to indulge with me. The problem is when I wear she is distant and it just seems awkward. When I was growing up I snuck around wearing pantyhose and using my mothers makeup dreaming of being a woman. I now know for sure that I want to crossdress but there is this deep fealing that I want more. My father was not around a lot and I was raised by mother and older sister. I have noticed that I have some very feminine gestures and I actually love that about myself. Being in the military I am very masculine as well. I have known my wife for over 11yrs and she has be battling depression since I have known her. I really want to be with her and I love her more than anything. I have never fully dressed I just sneak whatever clothes she has in the dryer late at night. I want to fully experience crossdressing but I do not know how to approach her about it. She is very dramatic because she is depressed and I know she will over react. She accused me of being gay when she found my fetish. For the record I have no desire to be with a man. I am just looking for some advise and people I can relate to. Thanks

[Kate Simmons]

So, basically you are living two lives like I used to do. I'm sure your time for feminine expression in the military is limited although I found time to do it in a combat zone while in Nam long ago. Anything is possible if your will is strong enough. You may want to make a list of what opportunities you may have to dress and go from there. Your marriage dynamics are really a separate issue altogether however. That is something only you, yourself, can resolve.:)

[Phaddic]

I understand that my relationship is my relationship. With my wife being depressed and not fully accepting my ph fetish should I tell about crossdressing or continue to sneak around like a criminal? We are going home in 2 weeks for Christmas and I don't want to ruin that for her....ugh this is the most aggravating time ever!

[Stephanie Michelle]

I am sure there will be alot of suggestions on what to do. Some will sound good and some will sound not so good. Each of us with a wife or SO will tell you what worked or didn't work for them. You have to decide the well being of your wife. From what you said I think you should wait till after the holidays. There is enough trying times this time of year. Also I think treading lightly on the subject. My opinion I would try to bring up general info about dressing and see what she thinks before you tell her all. Good luck

[Jenniferathome]

Her reaction of you "being gay" is perfectly normal. WE cross dressers don't see the logic because, by and large, we are straight. WHEN you tell her that you are a cross dresser, she will also ask you if you want to be a woman. Don't get offended, thats a normal question too.

My advice is say nothing until after the holidays. This time of year is stressful enough for some. Then, when you tell her, make sure she is in the best mood possible. Plan this out. Practice what you re going to say to her. Have resources ready for her to investigate, like this site, TriEss, etc. In my signature is how I came out to my wife. The biggest deal for her will be the "lying" about it (in other words, not telling).

Good luck

[Phaddic]

By nature I like to joke around so I was thinking the next time she comes home with new shoes to jokingly say "and you didn't get me a pair" amd see how that goes?? We share a love for shoes and I buy her clothes often. I am honestly surprised she hasn't called me out on being very interested in her wardrobe. Also thanks for the advise so for you guys have already lifted a huge weight off my chest and I am anxious for more replies.

[kimdl93]

Honesty is the best policy. Consider for a moment that as long as you're hiding something, your wife will continue to fill in the blanks and often times with the wrong assumptions about you. So tell her the truth but do it in a way that is considerate of her and her feelings. Give her time, give her honest answers and try very hard to keep the conversation focused on addressing her feelings and yours.

Beyond that, I do have a suggestion. Depression can be a physical issue and it can even more often be the consequence of a host of mistaken beliefs and faulty thinking. Educate yourself on the subject and perhaps you can help your wife practice new ways of thinking that can really overcome depression. If you can, get a copy of "Spontaneous Happiness" by Dr. Andrew Weil. In it he writes of an 'integrative' approach to mental health, warding off mild and moderate depression with an anti-inflammatory diet, exercise and activities such as yoga and meditation, rather than antidepressants. If your wife hasn't had success with the conventional approaches to depression treatment, there's a chance that Dr Weil's approach may help.

[Jenniferathome]

By nature I like to joke around so I was thinking the next time she comes home with new shoes to jokingly say "and you didn't get me a pair" amd see how that goes??

Cross dressing is not something you can leak out or joke about because you will never know if she is taking you seriously or if some perceived positive response is way off the mark. Don't hint, don't innuendo, sit down and talk. Get it all out, one time. It will save you in the long run

[Phaddic]

Ok that makes perfect sense. I really want to tell her about CDing but I think I am going to wait and make it a new year resolution. I appreciate all the input you are all awsome people and hopefully I will not have to be jealous of all you beauties for much longer. I hope people will contine to give me advise.

[Diversity]

For your own sanity and peace of mind as well as for your wife's, you'll eventually need to come clean and tell her. It is the only way. I suggest picking an appropriate time when you both can discuss your mutual feelings honestly and openly. Perhaps wait until after the holidays, as there is a lot of emotion at the surface during this time of year. Good luck to you, and thank you for your service to America. Stay safe and God bless you.
Kind regards,
Di

[reb.femme]

Hi Phaddic,

Another ex-Military, I came out to my wife earlier this year using Jennifer's letter as a template. I amended it to my personal style and practiced until it just flowed the day I told her.

Agree also, leave it until the New Year to tell her and do it seriously, not jokingly. My wife accepts but as many of the posts here testify, it can run between cold and luke warm too. I hope it goes well for you, it can go either way, but at least you'll know.

Rebecca

[Phaddic]

Thank you for the advise Rebecca. I also read Jennifer's post and was thinking of doing the same. I really hope this goes well she already loves the fact that I buy her clothes maybe this will all work out between us. Whatever the outcome I know I will always have support from some amazing people.

[NicoleScott]

If you feel awkward wearing pantyhose in front of her, maybe you can negotiate some private time. And in that private time, you can begin to explore other aspects of crossdressing that interest you. However that goes, make sure you continue to be the man she married.

[Phaddic]

You know what Nicole I have never thought about that and I am going to discuss that with her tonight.

[Shelly Preston]

Welcome to the forum

Please read the link in my signature on " How to Tell Your Partner"

I am sure you will find a lot of useful information there.

[Kerigirl2009]

well if you want to tell her everything, their really is no perfect time to tell her, their are always birthdays and holidays, so only wait if you are going to be your normal happy self, if it is weighing on your mind and heart then it is going to affect your mood and she will sense that something is wrong.
Now if that is you you need to sit her down in a one on one and tell her but dont show her unless she really wants to see you. But even that may be too much so you need to use your best judgement. After you tell her, allow her time to process what she has learned about her husband and let her make the next move.
Dont do what I did and make any changes in how you dress, yes you will feel better and not have to feel like your hiding, but she may take it as you throwing it in her face, because once you tell her, you may no longer be her macho manly man, you will be the man she once knew that wants to dress like a woman.
Be careful what you wish for, I wished for acceptance 3 years 6 months and 2days ago. And let me say it was the BIGGEST mistake I have ever made. No acceptance, some tolerance,but definately no participation.
She and I are trying still, but I am not holding my breath any longer.

[LadyPilot]

Alot of really good points in this thread. All I can add is you need to make sure that neither you or your wife gets hurt by this. Your young with many years of happiness together, she needs to know that she is #1 in your world and crossdressing is second to her.

[giuseppina]

A few points I don't see mentioned here:

Leave a few days for discussion before you leave for duty. It isn't fair to your DSW to tell her and leave in a few hours or even the night before you leave.

If your DSW chooses to investigate crossdressing on the internet, 99.9% of the hits will be p*rn or intolerance in some form. That will almost certainly turn her off.

If DSW wants online support, the genetic ladies section of this forum is a good place to start from what I hear. The sites that appear to be devoted to wives' complaints about CDing are probably not a good choice.

There are some books about the wife's perspective available at amazon.com, but do tell her if you feel like surgery or hormones might be in your plans. A large number of marriages (but by no means all) of genetic lady to M2F TS break up. Some ladies can't tolerate a CD.

[Lorileah]

First , thank you for your service. I don't care what you do in your free time, you are defending the country when you are at work. Thank you.

Your wife has to be scared spitless everyday you are gone. She has a right to be. She sounds like she understands your life away from home and wants you to be happy when you can, but she was raised to fear that too. Give her time and room.

And who says you cannot be masculine and enjoy some of the softer things in life. Everyone has an escape. Enjoy yours when you can. After all you are working to allow everyone to enjoy their lives.

[Phaddic]

I think we can go ahead and close this thread.......I TOLD HER!!! Lol. I want to thank all of you for you feedback on my situation I honestly could not have done it without you all. I will be posting a thread with the details. Until then ladies.

[Lorileah]

OK, but we want to hear what happens next :)

[heatherdress]

Dear Phaddic - Thanks for your service and I wish you well if you are deploying. Stay safe. Focus on your duties. There is plenty of time for personal interests later. Do not try to pursue crossdressing if you are in any dangerous environment. That would be risky and stupid. If you wife battles depression, make sure she gets help while you are deployed. The military takes psychological health problems seriously and she will get help as your spouse. Glad you spoke to your wife about your desires but don't push it. Go slow. Now is not the time. Once again, you have the rest of your life ahead of you. Enjoy your two weeks leave and God bless you.

[Phaddic]

I started a my first thread a few days ago regarding coming out to my wife and just looking for general information. So first I want to thank everyone for the support. I couldn't have done it without you.
Ok so I had a good bit of time to be on my phone and this site, the more posts I read the more I began thinking tat it isn't fair for her nor myself to keep these secrets. So I went home put on some tights and shorts and had a huge boost of self confidence. My wife and I a actually talked for an hour about our days, Christmas, and just whatever came up (this does not happen often especially if I am in tights) This only built on the confidence that I already had.
After drinking for a few hours and had a good buzz going, I couldn't stop looking at her. She asked a few times "what?" I would just say "nothing". After talking for a while we started some foreplay and well you know how that ends. It was around 11pm when we headed for bed. She got in the bed before me and had the lights off, I walked in set my alarms and said "get me some shorts" she replied "you know where they are at" I laughed. With a dim glow from my computer screen I opened her drawer and grabbed a pair of here sleep shorts. I slipped them on over my tights and crawled into bed.
She was rubbing on my legs so I knew she wanted to have sex again. As I cuddled close I whispered "I am wearing your shorts" she replied "?really?" and began to feel me up looking for her shorts. She found them then asked "do you like to wear my clothes?" I replied "not just your clothes it's all women's clothes. " since we were slightly intoxicated she replied "do you think I am surprised? I caught you wearing my tights and you left my shoes out a few weeks ago. " she began with the onslaught of the usual questions, are you gay, do you want to be a woman, do you want to have a vagina? I answered all her questions calmly and encouraged her to ask more. She sat in silence for a minute and asked "you like to wear my dresses?" I said yes. She then replied with "ok put one on" I was absolutely shocked. None the less we both got up, turned the lights on and went into the closet.
Once in the closet she asked me which one was my favorite, I pulled it out and she told me to put it on. I did and she cracked a few jokes but I said "look, this is me, either you love me or hate me" she told me that she still loved me. I took her dress off and started to put her shorts back on when she pulled me to her and started kissing me. We had sex again and went to sleep.
The following day she texted me that she loved me and I didn't really hear much else until I got home. After getting home I asked her no that we at sober how does she feel about it. She replied that she still feels the same. I again went and put some tights on and came back out and watched tv with her and ate dinner. We headed for bed and I told her that she could ask me anything at any time and to not feel like she can't talk to me about it. She was she just doesn't understand how this is going to work into our daily lives. I told her that I don't either because I have never done this. She also was thinking that I wanted to have sex with her while I was dressed which I don't. I told her its not a sexual thing. It's just a desire that I have and I don't know why.
All in all I believe that we are going to be ok and I believe that will accept me for me. I look forward to the future and I feel a million time closer to her. If anyone has any questions about my story please feel free to ask.

[Bodhi]

Your wife sounds great.

[Shari]

It was a difficult read, but what a read it was.
Phaddic, you are one lucky girl. Give that sweet wife of yours a kiss for me.

[reb.femme]

Hi Phaddic,

So far so good, but it will almost certainly blow hot and cold from here on in. Just be prepared for that.
Take it slow, talk as you are doing and hopefully it all turns out for the best.

Rebecca

[Phaddic]

I apologize for the lack of organization. Not all of us completed high school :( Which is how I ended up in the Army.

[AnneB1nderful]

So very glad it's working out for you. I did something similar years ago and had quite a different outcome. Big difference - I dressed to the nines - big mistake. Hope for you to have continued success!

P.S. This forum is so awesome, we'll even teach you the grammar you may have missed in school. ;)

[Phaddic]

Lol thanks Ann. I totally understand the paragraph thing. I hate reading big dumps of text as well. As for you dressing to the nines to come out, I can so see how that would be overwhelming.

[franlee]

Congradulations on a great and sucessful "coming out" it was about as honest and straight forward as any thing of importance can or should be. The truth you revealed to her and followed through with was text book answers and the way I did too. The only concen I had concerns about and you addressed it later was the drinking. But it worked out for you and that is all that counts. I hope you two have a wonderful and fufilling future together because there appears to be a strong bond and trust along with love in your marriage. Again I congradulate you!
One last bit, I bet in the near future you will want to have sex while dressed though. And there is nothing wrong with that either as long as you two agree. I have found it to open new and bigger areas to explore such as role-reversal and play. And they both have a lesson in the game if you get into it. But if not you are still in a wonderful place in your life. So go have fun!

[Lady Catherine]

Wow! You are very lucky to have a woman like that. Just a heads up, in about a week she may have some more questions and possibly seem a bit irritated. Just relax and be patient and answer her questions honestly and everything will be OK. Congratulations on a successful coming out. Peace.

[TheCommoner]

I came out to my girlfriend (now wife) about a year into our relationship that I wanted to try wearing women's clothing more. We had met each other and had explored other aspects of ourselves with each other, so she was very accepting. Now I dress up occasionally and go out to places in my area (I live in Alexandria, VA., so Freddies Beach Bar is good).

She has been very supportive and in some instances has pushed me to do things I would normally never have done. For example, I participated in the Annual High Heel race we have in D.C. every year.

Sometimes its a matter of finding the right person, and sometimes its just luck. For me, I am lucky to have someone supportive, and I recognize how important that is.

[RADER]

Phaddic;
I came out to my wife In a similar way; We where still dating when I saw a TV show
where a girl was wearing a pretty dress. I said something like "I wish I had a dress like that"
A few weeks later, at a BBQ at my house, she asked my if I had any dresses. O' I only have a
few skirts and tops. Go and put one on, I want to see you in one. Well I did, and we where
married about 6 months later. That was 19+ years ago, and we still love each other.
Just go slow with the dressing, let her get use to it, and see that you are not freaking her out.
If she is as receptive as it appears, treat her very special, because she is one in a Million.
Rader

[Phaddic]

I am going to take it really slow. She knows that I enjoy wearing tights so I wear frequently. I have never dressed before so I don't know how I am going to get her used to me being dressed. What I would like is for her to want to help me explore my feminine side but only time will tell how all of this new information will work out.

[Barbara Ella]

You have certainly gotten it started right, and I think you are on the right approach to take it slow. Go at her pace. My wife was so willing at first that I dressed around her to the nines also. It burned her out, and she cannot see me dressed now. Knowing you like it, and being reminded with the tights, she will eventually want to see you dressed, let her bring it up, and keep the dressing for yourself right now. You have a great time ahead of you.

Barbara

[Alice B]

I think the key is that you were honest and kept the communication open. Education has nothing to do with it. Open, honest discussion is what is important and you handeled it like a pro.

[Phaddic]

Barbra that is exactly what I was thinking I am glad to see that you are offering that advise.

[Phaddic]

Alice, thank you I thought about this for sooo long before I told her. Honestly I could not have done it with out the help from all you awesome ladies on this forum!!

[Bree Wagner]

Phaddic,

Congratulations on getting the courage to tell your wife and, even more so, for getting a positive response. You've already got a lot of great advice about taking it slow and keeping the comm lines open. Doing that (and loving your wife!) could make all the difference. Good luck on your journey and thanks for your service.

-Bree

[Maria 60]

That's great must be like you lifted a building off your shoulders. Take it slow and it sounds like your going to be ok. Always feels good when I read a happy post.

[Beverley Sims]

I am sure you have heard it all before, don't rush let her suggest things and try and follow for a while, do not take the lead.
Do not talk about yourself and let her do the asking.
All the best to you.

[~Joanne~]

Your story sounds a lot like mine, My GF knew I wore pantyhose a lot before she found out how deep the rabbit hole went so it didn't come to be too much of a surprise. Of coarse, your telling her was a lot better than mine, I got pulled over while out and dressed and was basically forced to spill the beans. Only to find out later that I didn't have to but it's best that it's out there as you will find in the coming weeks and such :)

The best advice is to take things slowly. Dress as you did before telling her, in private. if she wants you dressed, she will ask. While My GF has never had anything to say bad about it, I feel as if I am in a self imposed DADT. and don't have a problem with it as I have PLENTY of dress time. Pushing things, as unfortunately Barb found out, may get old really fast. Give her time to take it all in and adjust, as with My GF, she ended up asking "when was the last time you looked girly?" which I found amusing :)

[Bonnie84]

I wish y'all both luck as y'all explore together. I too first dressed when in the service...[insert Navy joke here]. Obviously I couldn't do much as there was no way to explain the frilly stuff in my sea bag or wall locker.

I told my fiance a few months ago. I just let it sink in a bit. She's been the one to bring it up. My toes have been painted for the last two or three months straight with the exception of the four days my folks were in town. Sure I would like a little more than what I'm getting, but I want her to be comfortable too.

Again good luck to you, and stay safe.