So many questions ❤

[LovingWife]

❤ I am a cross dressers wife. He/she came out to me, so to speak about 6 months or so after both our second marriages. When she came out I guess I wasn't shocked it just seemed to make sense in so many areas of our marriage I had been confused about. I was supportive and positive and encouraged him to be open and honest and just share it with me so i could understand and be the supportive wife he needed and i love him just as much as the day I married him if not more but as time has gone on I have more questions but I don't feel I can ask now as I don't want to alienate him or cause us marital problems or worse for him to lock her away then be sad and I just want to be as supportive as I can as no matter what as i do love him. I had a disastrous first marriage to a homophobic racist horrible man and that's just not who I am as a person I accept everyone...you treat me right I'm your friend for life!!! The only thing I asked my husband was if he went on sites...spoke to others.... cross dressers/ men etc was that we did it together so I didn't feel excluded or he was cheating or I could loose him which I feel was a reasonable request. But I know he has and I accept maybe he's trying to figure it all out too but I feel so insecure especially when there is no sex in our marriage or not as much as I would like....unrealistically I'd love it twice a day but realistically as he has a high powered stressful job so at least every second night would be acceptable!!! But sometimes a week or two can go by with nothing but maybe i want too much and i need that closeness to feel that i am safe as far as not loosing him and still the centre of his world and believe me there's more and better sex when he becomes his alter female ego so I'd support that any day for the closeness and honesty and love and happiness it brings us both. I guess I want to hear from others their experience their advice their support I can't tell another soul I'd never betray him so I come here as an anonymous woman to seek support and understanding and help to support the man/ woman I love and if I do anything or say anything wrong please forgive me it's not intended I'm just so new at all of this I'm not sure what's right or wrong... thank you xxx

[Kate Simmons]

You will find very quickly that most here will support you Hon. Ask any questions you like and don't be afraid to. We are all family here.:)

[LovingWife]

Thankyou I've felt so alone as I can't talk to anyone without betraying my husband but here I could be anyone and I'm just beside myself with doubt and fear and sadness for us both that sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy with my expectations self doubts and silly fears:(

[Kate Simmons]

It has a lot to do with very deep feelings that need to be addressed one way or the other. I do believe he loves you but most of us have had self doubts as well. That's only human nature. The CDing part is mostly about him and has nothing to do with his loving feelings for you Hon.:)

[Kathleen Ann Trees]

Wow! You are too good to be true! Everyone here hopes for such a supportive relationship. Talk to him. Tell him what you feel. And, might I suggest, because "I" would love it, ask what he needs. Make up? A new pencil skirt? Wig? Shoes? I'll bet there's something she'd like, and that'll get the conversation going.

Good Luck
Kathleen

[Karren H]

Thankyou I've felt so alone as I can't talk to anyone without betraying my husband but here I could be anyone and I'm just beside myself with doubt and fear and sadness for us both that sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy with my expectations self doubts and silly fears:(

When the secret is shared.... it pulls you into the closet with them..... and places the burden on your shoulders too...... even with two in there.... its a lonely place to be....

[LovingWife]

Thanks Kate....I know realistically this has been with him for a long time and before me and not because of me or even about me and I'm so grateful and privileged he decided to finally share it with me as he had with no other. I just always want to be enough for him I guess it's the unknown. The perks of having someone to share clothes with and go shopping with and look at gorgeous sexy guys with and admire other beautiful CDs is so wonderful but because he hasn't come out to anyone else we don't have the proper girls night out I know he longs for as much as me we don't share the true fun and excitement if it as we should for fear of being found out and short of going abroad I just don't know how to help him in this aspect of it all. For now it's fun fantasy and personal. When it does happen but do often he just buries it and doesn't share and it gets hidden like a bad secret and its not. I want this to work for both of us I want us to both be happy but I feel we are both just sad we can't satisfy and for fill ourselves let alone each other..... Does that make sense????


Wow! You are too good to be true! Everyone here hopes for such a supportive relationship. Talk to him. Tell him what you feel. And, might I suggest, because "I" would love it, ask what he needs. Make up? A new pencil skirt? Wig? Shoes? I'll bet there's something she'd like, and that'll get the conversation going.

Good Luck
Kathleen

We've been shopping. I work in an industry where I bring him the latest make up skin care and share with him as much as I can I keep encouraging all I can I just don't know if I always get through. :(


When the secret is shared.... it pulls you into the closet with them..... and places the burden on your shoulders too...... even with two in there.... its a lonely place to be....

Very lonely xxxx. :(

[Jana]

Hi and welcome! Open and constant communication seems to help. Share your feelings, fears and expectations with him. Listen to his. Together, and with open minds and hearts, you will find common ground and understanding. Not only regarding CDing, but in life as well. Good luck, and feel free to ask anything! :)

[Amy Fakley]

... I feel so insecure especially when there is no sex in our marriage or not as much as I would like....unrealistically I'd love it twice a day but realistically as he has a high powered stressful job so at least every second night would be acceptable!!! But sometimes a week or two can go by with nothing

WOW. do you mind if I ask how old you guys are? (ballpark, specifics not necessary).
My wife and I haven't had that kind of pace since our early 20's, and even then it' didn't last that long ... truthfully maybe a year, then we got pregnant with our first child and pretty much from then on, it slowed waaay down.

It's just a natural progression of getting older I think. Once every week or two (I think) is a relatively average pace (others may correct me) ... I'm not saying it's wrong of you to want it more than that, but it might not be a cause for concern in terms of lack of interest from your husband, etc ... you guys might just be slowing down naturally (unless of course, you guys are 23 or something :-)

Also welcome to the forum. You sound like one fantastic wife!

[bobbimo]

Hi Lovingwife.
Your at the right place and your doing the right things.
If she is shying away from your attention to he CDing then she maybe worried about whats happening also.
Many of us dont know if this is just a fun CD thing we do or if we are actually trans sexual and should be a woman.
Go slow, and have fun with this. If its more than just dressing then there are a lot girls that have made that discovery too.
Bobbi

[ChelseaErtel]

You will find other women in your same situation as well as CDers to transsexuals. You can't say anything wrong I don't believe. Just be yourself and be honest and you will help yourself as well as others. I am Transsexual with a wife I only told a month ago. I have found this site enormously helpful.

Welcome.

[Barbra P]

I believe you find that many of the members here will be happy, even eager, to try and help you and answer your questions. Most of the members on this forum are cross dressers, with a scattering of GG’s mixed in. I also believe that you will get the most support, and very possibly the most honest and helpful answers from the members of the F.A.B. (Females At Birth) forum. I say this because the members of the F.A.B. forum are wives and significant others of cross dressers and have been down the same path you are traveling now, or they are just starting the same journey you are. Either way they have a lot in common with you and are in a better position to relate to you, your questions, and your emotions.

The F.A.B. forum membership is by invitation only and first you need to be accepted as a general forum member, and for that you need ten (10) posts. Once you have your ten posts you can contact the forum and request that your request for membership be considered. I believe that most requests are honored once your request has been evaluated and the moderators are convinced you are who you say you are. LINK (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/faq.php?faq=pf#faq_gg_forum)

You might also want to check out the “Loved Ones” forum; this is not a private forum like the F.A.B. forum but I believe you do have to have the pre-requisite ten posts before you can access this forum.

[Gillian Gigs]

Welcome to our world, I hope we can help answer all of your concerns. You said that your mate has a high powered stressful job, many of us use CDing to help relieve stress. I know that stressful situations can and do make it difficult to "raise to the occasion" in the bedroom, this is an area where you can help. Incourage him to share his feelings and tell you about his day, give him opportunities to "unwind" and relax. Remember he has been living with this habit of his for many years, and his being totally comfortable with you in this area will not happen over night, it will take time. By the way have you told him this; "I accept everyone...you treat me right I'm your friend for life!!!" It wouldn't hurt to repeat it occasionally, people can forget things you know.

[Ressie]

Having similar expectations in frequency of sex is important in a relationship IMHO. There may be kinky things he wants sexually, but is afraid to talk about. If only couples could be more open about what they want in bed!

What age group are you in? Finding out the reason that your hubby dresses may be a good start since there are different reasons. You probably have lots of questions for him, but may not want to put too much pressure on him.

[Jenniferathome]

Congratulations on finding your way here and wanting to understand. First thing is reset your expectations. There is no answer for the "why" only lots of "it's this way for me". Second, talk to HIM. There should be no question you are afraid to ask nor any he should be afraid to answer. He may not HAVE all the answers but every crossdresser is different. Mot of us get "are you gay" and "do you want to be a woman" questions from our wives. The most common answer is no to both.

It's you and he, talk and talk often. And of course, sk any question you like,here but this forum is not a substitute for your conversations with him.

[kimdl93]

wow, that's a great post. I don't know how inhibited your husband is about his CDing...but some how you need to draw him out of the cyber world and into the real world. There are a number of problems with living too much of one's life in cyber activity. First of all, its know to be depressing. People who spend a lot of time on social networking sites are more likely to become depressed. Second, it seems its distracting him from your real life intimacy. That's something that should not continue. If you have to do it together with the on line presence, well ok, but real life intimacy should trump anything else.

I understand that he has a stressful job. Maybe drawing him out, getting him to express and experience his feminine side in the context of a low pressure, intimate manner might help. As you engage him in "trying to figure things out" perhaps that can diminish the attraction of on line activity. Perhaps a little role reversal, or if you're up to it, some girl/girl fantasy might draw him into more real life intimacy. (I know it works for me ;) )

Its interesting to me, because so many of our members are really longing for a supportive and intimate relationship with a GG. It seems your husband has just that, but isn't fully able to embrace it. Keep working on it.

[docrobbysherry]

I've been married and divorced, LW. U have some serious issues if your relationship is lacking sex and intimacy. I can't tell from your posts if your issues r CD related or not. My guess is u may have other problems, too.

It doesn't sound like your SO is as forthcoming about his dressing as he could be. That could be caused by many things. Guilt, uncertainty, confusion, wanting to explore and meet others. Maybe men. And he may even be getting turned on by his dressing in some way. Those r all reasons he may not want to share his dressing with u.

However, I really have no idea where he's coming from. No one here could until he posts his own feelings. Could u get him to do that?

[Tiffany Grace]

Thank you for sharing this thoughtful thread. Speaking only from my experience. Your hubby may need to work on feeling more comfortable in front of you regarding dressing, your patience is required. He may be dealing with his thoughts more than yours, but your initial reaction to learning about his dressing can leave a lot of residue especially if he sensed any reluctance or dislike for it on your part.

Everyone is different, and unlike one size fits all pantyhose, and every story has its own nuances. There is common ground as in everything but your spouse is an individual like everyone else who is navigating his way through many twisting and, sometimes, scary paths.

It is very very difficult for spouses who almost experience a death of the person they thought they knew, and for that you have, I am sure, all of our sympathy and support. You did not choose this but it was sprung on you. Your love and understanding will make all the difference. Love changes everything. I sincerely wish you the very best and your husband is quite blessed indeed to have you in his life.

To be fair, your spouse probably struggled to stop and wanted to be who he presented himself to be at first, but in the end we all have to be who we really and truly are if we are to live joyful and fulfilled lives.

[Phaddic]

Your situation sound lust like mine. I came out to my wife last night. With all of your concerns you sound just like my wife. If you don't mind I would like to send you a friend request and have you and my wife talk because your situation is honestly so close to ours it is scary. Also you husband is terrified right now as he has no idea what is going to happen next. Continue to love and support him and he will become a lot less stressed and more sexual at least that is how I felt. I rarely have sex more than once at any given time after I came clean and saw how she reacted I was soooo turned on we did it 3 times in one night! I wish you guys the best of luck as you begin your journey.

[LovingWife]

Thank you for the welcome mfakley. I'm just forty and my husband is late forties.... I think I'm a sex freak lol which isn't really funny its frustrating and i tend to feel rejected so much of the time, and well he is naturally slowing down maybe due to age but also due to a stressful job.

I do understand what your saying bobbimo and I guess for my husband this is as far as I know and I can only go on what he has told me but he is discovering it all too and dealing with the feelings and questions. thanks for the advice on going slow. I notice sometimes he just shuts down and she doesn't. Come out for ages then its full forward with full dress and make up we do photo sessions where I take pictures we go on line.....we share....the sex is amazing....then nothing that confuses me more and I'm scared I've said or done done something wrong?

Thank you ChelseaErtel. I look forward to reading others journeys and learning from them and finding the answers I seek in a safe environment ❤

Thank you Barbra P for your direction I will certainly look into it. As I have so may questions but a head so confused that I just don't know where to begin especially as up until now I've not thought much about how I've felt. Just my husbands feelings. So there's still so much I don't understand or how I really feel other than I love him and I need support and need to learn more to be a better wife.

[Kate Simmons]

You've definitely done nothing wrong my friend. You are just being your self ( a very loving self at that). He is dealing with a difficult part(yes, difficult part) of who he is that seems inconsistent with literal physicality. Mastering that is no easy row to hoe, believe me, I know.The closeness and the sharing with a partner is the important thing, however, sex notwithstanding. You have done that in an outstanding way. He will come around eventually because he loves you very much.

Take care:)

[LovingWife]

Thanks for the advice I will certainly repeat my words and try the help him unwind I am guilty I guess of being about my day then I'm Rushing around cooking us dinner and doing washing etc as I work full time too. I need to maybe give him more attention.

Dee3, I guess I've always been a little shy in the bed room my first marriage lasted a long time I was married very young and had no worldly experience let alone even what a sex toy was!!!! I'm all for experimenting learning and having fun now!! Lol and we have tried lots of things that I never dreamt possible so I'm thinking there's probably even lots more. I guess it's trying to keep the lines open but when he shuts down its a lock down and I just don't know how to break the lick open do I wait patiently till he is ready and it begins again.

[Kate Simmons]

My suggestion is just to continue being who you are. Good things come to those who wait eventually and you are a good person my friend.:)

[LovingWife]

Jenniferathome, Yes it is not a substitute for my husband but I'm hoping I will find the right questions to ask and the courage to ask and yes my first reaction though I kept it too my self and searched the Internet for some answers was do you want to be a woman and would you prefer a man over me? I read blogs and now I've found this forum it feed like I can finally ask or say how I feel safely.

kimdl93, I will keep working on it. I do tend to come out with things sometimes without knowing I've said something wrong....think it's called foot and mouth disease!!!! I never mean anything mean and would die if I knew he took something the wrong way but he has told me I have in the past said things to make him shut down so I try so hard to not say the wrong thing but I think I do without even knowing :(

[kimdl93]

Well, we all have that affliction. Its part of being human. We don't always know how our words may be interpreted. I do think that the lack of frequency relating to intimacy could be more than stress. Make sure he gets a check up regularly. If he's feeling some concern about his ability to perform...make it less about the final act and more about play. It will be good for both of you.

[LovingWife]

docrobbysherry, I'm not sure if its just CD issues either I think there's ore to it as well. I do t know if he would post he. He is part of another forum/live chat and even has his pics on there in full dress I think he chats to other CDers but I don't know what about I know being open to anyone other than me is not an option for him so he needs some outlet and I'm not enough....I certainly don't have the answers I can't even find the right questions yet. But I just don't want to give up I want to support him I want him to support me too.

Tiffany Grace Thank you for your words and insight and you are so right we can't hide who we truly are if we want to lead a fulfilled and happy life.....that's certainly a lot to think about. ❤

Phaddic I'm not sure how this site works just yet I just googled looked at some of the threads realized it was moderated so I'd feel safe and posted!!!! But yes I'm happy for you to add me as a friend I guess I'll figure it all out as I go along❤

Thank you all to have answered....I finally don't feel so alone....though I never have been as I know I have my husband I just want to do it right and not screw it up or make him ever feel bad and I guess I haven't given a lot of thought to how alone he may be feeling or how many questions he may have too. I guess I need to open up to give him the opportunity to open up too. If I don't answer you individually I'm sorry I do read all the posts and will continue too as it gives me support and courage to keep going I look forward to exploring other areas of the forum as well. ❤❤❤❤

[Kaz]

Hi 'loving wife'. It is a difficult name to call you even though it is a statement of who you are... give us a name to call you? It doesn't have to be your real name, just something more natural in conversations... I am Kaz... not my real name, but it works here!

The site is moderated by a mottly crew including myself.We want this to be the best place for crossdressers on the web. We have rules and first and foremost it is a support forum - though we have some fun too! Nothing dodgy, but lots of social interaction (albeit in a virtual world)..

I read the thread and think you are amazing. Your open-mindedness is astonishing. Please interact with us as you are a real asset for many of us, especially other wives, partners and loved ones on the forum.

All I want to say at this stage is that we (DC folk) mostly find it very hard to cope with. Your husband is no exception. You may be positive and supportive, but he is weighed down by years of feelings of guilt and all sorts. My wife knows but we can't discuss it. She doesn't want to, but to be honest... neither do I. I don't know where to start. I know that whatever I say will upset her as I will get the words wrong, etc... and the last thing I want is for this to damage things. I am the same person I always was. I just now realise after many years that this is not going away and this is how it is.

Being here is NOT betraying him! You are amazing... I am happy to share all of my experiences if it will help and so will most people here.

By the way... you can delete 'friends' if you have second thoughts... it is not a commitment, just an acknowledgement of a kindred spirit!

My advice... join the FAB forum... You may need 15 posts ... one more should do it!

[Barbara Ella]

LovingWife, you have all the makings of a wonderful person anyone here would love to know. And now that you are a member, and posting, WE DO!!. you can do no wrong here. SOmethings we might not understand, but that is not a wrong. If a subject is off limits, the moderators will let us know, slap our wrists, and put us in a time out (the mods do a great job keeping this site suitable for discussion by all)

You have a ton of questions, and hour husband does also. At times our minds are so crowded with so many issues, with work thrown on top, that we forget that we are part of a team that needs some time also. My wife is a talker, so i cannot tune her out, or I will miss the thought, and then I do get yelled at for not listening...lol. I realized I was a crossdresser onlly 15 months age, and came out to the wife 3 months later, this after 41 years of marriage (I am 66 now). Her mind has been in turmoil ever since, as finding this out so late in life has resulted in a lot of things happening at an accelerated pace, and it does frighten both of us. Where it will go, and how far is the biggie question that we do try to talk about, but not nearly enough. You cannot talk with him about her, nearly enough. It sounds like you do things together, and that is so wonderful. We have ingrained in our psyche the thought that what we do is frowned upon by society, and this unfortunately bleeds over into our daily life, even with totally supportive spouses such as yourself. That unfortunately can lead to quiet periods of introspection about why I do something that is wrong to do. (I do not believe that, but it is there). He is not intentionally ignoring you, but often gets lost in the maze, or as some call it, the rabbit hole we choose to go down.

Do not ignore your needs and life and friends. If you keep talking and reiterating your support, his barriers will weaken over time and he will let you in more It is just very hard.

I wish you the best, and know you will enjoy your time here, and he really should join here. I know it would help him open up more, as this site is absolutely the best at getting people to open up and talk about their issues because no one is judged, just welcomed.

Barbara

[LovingWife]

Thanks Kaz for your kind words and encouragement....it's funny how you say you don't want to talk about it with your wife because you will get your words wrong....that made me cry because I always get my words wrong all the time and what's in my heart just never comes out of my mouth right!!!! If only my heart could speak!!! So how do I change my name to make it easier? I'm thinking maybe Lucy will do❤ I have to get ready for work I think this will be my second home for a while as I find my feet to ultimately find myself and help my husband find his true self or a way we can live where we can both be totally happy ......I don't give up easy and I will fight for what I love but in saying that I need the strength to know when I've done everything above and beyond and there's no other avenue I need to be happy too I just want it to be my husband❤

bobbimo and bobbimo Thankyou for your awesome insight and caring reply I relate to so much of what you have said and am grateful we are young enough to explore and accept things for how they are....well I can but I know hubby has a difficult time with some aspects of it though I try to tell him he has no need to but that's his journey and time to deal with I can't tell him how to do it when I'm learning too. I just know there's no right or wrong with the CDing it's a part of who he is and to be honest I live her too...she is fun an awesome shopper has fantastic taste and my best friend along with my husband it is just finding common ground bring open honest and feeling safe to ask the hard questions and sharing our needs wants desires and admitting where it ends up can we survive it go through with it .....the head spins constantly. I just feel if we can get the CDing sorted the rest will fall into place.....I just hope I'm right with every fibre of my being❤

[Eryn]

Hi there Loving!

One point that I don't think has been touched upon is that while you are getting used to concept that your husband has a feminine side you also have to realize that your husband is getting used to the fact that he can share his feminine side with you. Both of these need time.

CDers have honed the self-protective instinct of secrecy to a fine edge. We instinctively keep our feminine side to ourselves and it can be difficult to talk about it even after we've admitted it to a loved one.

Be patient and things will work out. It may take weeks or months for the two of you to get used to your new modes of understanding.

As far as intimacy is concerned, you may find that knowing about your husband's feminine side will achieve more intimacy. If he has been stressed over you finding out about his CDing that stress will be relieved and that might well help things.

[bridget thronton]

Welcome and enjoy your time with us

[AmyGaleRT]

LovingWife, I don't know if my experience might be relevant to you, but I'll gladly share what I know.

The night I told my fiancee, I did so with the utmost reluctance, and only because we were facing a seemingly-greater threat (related to her health and the medicine she needs, but it turned out not to be a real problem after all...but that's another story). She describes the experience of dragging the truth out of me as "like pulling teeth from a crocodile." Once it did and she told me, basically, "So what? I don't have a problem with it," everything tumbled out in a rush, as I was finally able to let it go. She never wavered in her acceptance.

Eventually, I said to her, "About the only thing left I could do is dress for you." She said, "If you wanna." I dug out some of my clothes and changed into Amy, complete with hair and jewelry (no makeup right then though). I warned her before I walked in, and she told me to come in so she could see me. Her first reaction was, "You look more feminine than I do." She was quite supportive and complimentary on my fashion selections. It turned into an impromptu "fashion show," as I ducked back into the bathroom to change dresses, jewelry, and shoes several times. She continued being complimentary throughout. The same thing happened when I modeled some of my nightgowns for her some days later. (She won't let me sleep in them, but she has no trouble with me wearing them around the house to relax, much as she herself does.) I think it was this attitude of hers that broke down any discomfort I might have with dressing in front of her, and today I have no trouble appearing as Amy in front of her. (She sometimes prefers it...she says I'm more agreeable in Amy-mode. :) )

Acceptance, support, love, and good communication...that seems to be what I appreciate from my fiancee the most. I believe you're at least trying on all those fronts, and succeeding a fair bit at most. Know that you are a rare gem, the SO of a CD that does accept it.

You might also encourage him to join this site. He may have his own questions or concerns from his viewpoint. We can help with that. (Or he may just want to share pictures of that new dress he got. We handle that, too. :D )

- Amy

[LovingWife]

bobbimo and AmyGaleRT ❤Thankyou for your story....my husband wears woman's under garments every day and sometimes will wear one of my sexy nighties to bed....I don't mind sharing...he has great taste and I've been known to steal his clothes too I'd like him to join this site but I don't want him to feel betrayed by me either so it may take time for me to convince myself but then I who knows!! Thanks again

[Beverley Sims]

Yes and you have asked them with feeling.
Does she know you are on this site, do you know if she is here, what you should do is get together and discuss the internet and what it has to offer.
I would suggest this is one of the more softer and level headed sites with less extreme views than some.You are right, relations can be exceptional between partners when dressed and if you can manage it you may find it rewarding. Some wives can not come to grips with it at all.
Keep asking and there are already a lot of views here and mine is just one of them.

[NyssaF]

I just want to do it right and not screw it up or make him ever feel bad and I guess I haven't given a lot of thought to how alone he may be feeling or how many questions he may have too. I guess I need to open up to give him the opportunity to open up too.

As a few people have already said, cross-dressing can be confusing for us cross-dressers, too. And tough to come to terms with. A lot - maybe all? - of us have gone through at least one period where we throw away all of our fem stuff and swear we're never going to cross dress again, because it's too weird or it makes us too weird. We almost always come back, however.

One thing I would recommend reinforcing to your husband is that it is okay for him to accept this about himself. Remind him that there is nothing wrong with him, and that he doesn't be ashamed of who he is. That's huge, something which he'll be much happier about once he can accept himself.

[Vickie_CDTV]

One of the most important things you can do, perhaps the most important, is that you tell him that you love him the way he is. Some of us suffer with having a very poor self image and he may not believe that it is possible you to love him because he is a crossdresser.

[LovingWife]

NyssaF You are so right and I will.

Vickie_CDTV I tell him ten times a day in texts in person that I love him but maybe I need to say I love him just the way he is maybe that's what he needs to here x