Boundries?

[Dann12]

Whats' the point of boundries? If one has recently come out to a spouse or an S/O and boundries are set, are we being realistic if things repetitivily done in the past are outside the new boundries? I've got more thaoughts on this. But I'd like to see where this goes first.

Been a member for a long time. Took a long break from online cd groups. Good to be back. Learned a few life lessons with regards to cding. Looking forward to sharing.

dann

[Barbara Ella]

Boundaries are a preliminary way to show each other that you are not afraid, but are not certain about something that is new to you. even though I have been doing things, the SO is likely not aware of them, and they could frighten/upset/confuse. It is my acceptance that while I would like to do something, I am willing to curtail myself with the hope that over time the boundaries will be less frightening to her. It comes down to trust, and love/caring, and a desire to have her mind catch up with this new life. it does not typically happen overnight.

Barbara

[Jenniferathome]

A boundary is set by the wife or girlfriend based on what they can handle,not based on what was done prior to them knowing. Boundaries are there for the spouse so they can try to understand us. Without them, more spouses would give up on us.

[AllieSF]

There are boundaries and then there are boundaries. Are they for the short term so that the SO has a chance to learn more without the CDing spouse trying to push for more based on getting the heavy weight of secrecy of their shoulders. Is it a "cross the line and I am out of here" boundary? Are they agreed to by both parties or dictated by the newly informed one? It really depends on the terms, the initial relationship and level of communication between the parties, the flexibility of each party, and whether the CDer agrees to something that they think they can honor, when in fact they probably can not. It can also be affected by whether is over the initial shock and can actually understand what the boundaries mean and can be reasonable in what they want. Too many "if's" to be able to say that they can work or are fair or not.

[Eryn]

Boundaries should be agreed upon by both partners and they should be subject to revision as the needs of the partners change. Each partner should be prepared to express their needs accordingly.

"Lines in the sand" are not a sign of a healthy relationship and should be avoided.

[Dann12]

"Lines in the sand" are not a sign of a healthy relationship and should be avoided.[/QUOTE]


Very true Eryn. I really like your statements.

@Barbara: Does curtailing certain aspects of what cding is to you become difficult at times?

[linda allen]

Boundaries do not have to be written down or formalized. They do not even have to be said. Just because my wife never said I could dress as a woman and go out on a date with a man doesn't mean it's OK or outside of the "boundaries".

In a mature, loving relationship, you should pretty well know what's OK with the other partner. If you don't, ask. And it was mentioned above, but these "boundaries" may change over time. They may change in either direction.

"Don't do anything to hurt or embarass your partner." pretty well sums it up.

[GG7irish]

If I may, boundaries are not just for crossdressing. We set boundaries in all relationships, work, dating, marriage, friendships etc.

Boundaries are for comfort, safety and general "social propriety" and what people seem to think is "normal".

When my SO came out to me, yes I have asked for boundaries it is for my comfort level, but to be fair he has boundaries for me as well ( ok so I can no longer wear faded flannel cat pjs),,,,,,,,But without boundaries our world would be unsafe, scary and crazy.

Now if boundaries you set with each other are something you both agree on and can live with it then it should work for you and each other and should not be a problem. Plus most boundaries are not poured into concrete...(perhaps santa willl bring new flannel cat pjs ).

[kimdl93]

If one agrees to limit certain behavior in deference to a spouse, I see it as a matter of trust and compromise. That doesn't mean that one can't renegotiate over time. Patience, trust and communications the keys to greater acceptance

[Rachel05]

I think there is an argument for both camps here, for me personally I have been dressing for 40 plus years and my SO of 20 plus years never knew until very recently and she is not what you would call accepting but she is tolerating a little and we have moved some way, I don't push it in her face and I try to still satisfy my need to dress whilst trying to gain slightly more acceptance from my SO

It is a tough line to walk as she is not understanding of why any man especially not hers would want to do this, so I could say tough, live with it or do like I am doing and try to keep me happy while going some way to bringing her on side

If I was to just crash on regardless then it's not going to work for me I don't think in the long run

[Cassandra Lynn]

The past is but the past, it should be discussed honestly as everything pertinent to the relationship should be.
But once it has been covered and each person knows where they stand, the couple should set some common sense boundaries that make each of them comfortable.

I agree this doesn't have to be some legalized contract, nor should it look like a set of rules.
Think of it as some simple guidelines better left unspoken.

Since Irish mentioned it, i'll give an example, she decided to stop wearing the fannels when i am staying over not so much cuz i asked her, but because it seemed the logical thing to do. Thinking about it now in fact, it does look like a boundary of sorts, although it was done without alot of discussion.
She gets to wear her cat jammies, several days a week.

[minalost]

"Don't do anything to hurt or embarass your partner." pretty well sums it up.

This basically sums up our boundries.

[Karren H]

By not wanting to know.... my wife left boundary setting to me.... and all my boundaries are set based on my marriage and my faithfulness to my wife.....

[NicoleScott]

Boundaries should be agreed upon by both partners and they should be subject to revision as the needs of the partners change. Each partner should be prepared to express their needs accordingly.

Yes. Also important: Don't agree to terms you can't keep. This applies to both parties. As Eryn said "subject to revision". This isn't done by breaking the terms of the agreement and expecting the other to just deal with it.

[Barbara Ella]

Dann, yes, boundaries can be difficult. If both parties are honest about what they can or cannot deal with, it becomes easier to know that you are acting responsibly, and for the most part happily. Right now my wife is worried about neighbors etc. finding out, and one boundary is no one finds out. That is an easy one. But it means no leaving the house dressed and driving through the neighborhood, and no going out in out town. I can drive to another town, get a hotel, change, and go out all i want. Difficult, but not impossible, and if I really need to do it, I can. It is all in the balance of what is given up and what is gained.

Barbara

[Stephanie47]

I see a lot of participants on this site who are so self absorbed in their cross dressing, they seem to forget they are in a relationship with another person. I'll limit that comment to those who are married. Being married should create a life long partnership, which requires negotiations and renegotiation to be successful.

When I say self absorbed in their cross dressing, it is not a criticism of cross dressing. It is a criticism of the act of self absorption. I've witnessed it time again over everything. The guy goes fishing or golfing with male friends all the time, ignoring his wife. He tricks out his pickup truck or muscles car, draining the bank account while the wife wears threadbare clothing.

Boundaries are established to maintain an orderly marriage. It encourages mutual respect. It encourages tolerance. Boundaries recognize the needs of each partner. When the marital scale is weighed too far in favor of one partner, it is destined to fail, whether or not a piece of paper terminates the relationship.

My wife does not want to participate in any aspect of my cross dressing. So be it.

She also told me a long time ago, "If you want to go fishing, go, but, don't expect me to clean it when you bring it home!"

[Gillian Gigs]

Boundries are kind of like "parley" in the Pirates of the Caribbean, they not supposed to be rules,(lines in the sand), but general guide lines to protect both parties from any extremes.
Quote; "But without boundaries our world would be unsafe, scary and crazy". Both of you need to feel safe, sane, and unafraid.

[Beverley Sims]

My boundaries were set years ago when I got married.
We love and respect each other and I have no desire to be unfaithful to her.
That being said I am allowed to look at other women and remark on them and their fashions and demeanor. If they try to hit on me and kiss me it all remains a friendly banter and they do get reminded that is my wife standing over there.

[Ameli]

When my wife and I set boundaries, I find it helpful that we say "this is my boundary... at this time". Boundary setting allows my wife some control. I'm sure it's tough when you don't have any control on something that affects you so much.

Ameli

[JamieG]

As said above, boundaries need to be agreed on by both people. We set boundaries so that our wives are forewarned about the possible consequences of our crossdressing, especially those that might have impact on them. If a couple can agree to boundaries and the CDer is able to keep within them, that is also a way to re-earn some of the trust that might have been lost due to keeping an important long-standing secret from their wife. When this happens, then it may be possible to move the boundaries, but only with full discussion and agreement by both parties.

One final note: if you have needs that you can't forego and that she cannot possibly tolerate, then the two of you should make plans to go your separate ways.

[cathie pantyhose]

Our boundries are simple. I'm not to dress when the wife or kids are home and although she is not thrilled that I enjoy dressing fem she knows and we keep it at arms length. We have a finished basement that is all mine. For that I accept the boundries.

[Alice B]

I do not see boundries as lines in the sand. They are a method for your SO to learn and adjust to something that seems as very threating to the relationship. They are also a means for you to learn to respect the fears of your SO. If reasonable boundries are set and followed there will be a good chance that things will loosen up over time. This was the case in my marriage and over several years I have gained a vast amount of freedom to express myself. If you or the SO do not accept or follow the boundries then the relationship is in for serious trouble and hard decisions will have to be made. Sitting down, having open discussion and setting reasonable boundries for both parties is a major step in the right direction.

[Joanne f]

I do not like to call them boundaries when it comes to relationships but more of agreements and most relationships have some sort of agreements that most unselfish people are willing to agree with or it becomes a one sided relationship and these agreements can define who you are and what you are willing to accept or put up with in life and we all have boundaries that we would not like other people to exceed so why is it so difficult to accept a wife's/so boundaries when it comes to cross dressing as I am sure that a lot have some sort of boundaries as regards to clothing that they would not want their wife/so to wear out and agreements can be altered when you show some respect for the other person .

[franlee]

I don't have the restrictions of boundries as most of you are refering to. I never asked her for pemission and and I don't specify set boundries for her either. We are both comfortable in who the other is and have confidence in eachother's judgement and there-by making all the boundries a moot point. Besides if they were any set of precieved by either of us they wouldn't be restrictive anyway just comon-sense. We disscussed what I like to do and what I would be doing from the start and that was good enough for both of us. She voiced her concerns and we discussed them and we realized there was no need for any "boundries to be set." It has been that way with all my wives. And never a problem from my CDing, and made it a good enviroment for their pretisapation and trust.

[RADER]

A long time ago, I set my own boundaries. With me being a large guy, with nothing
even remotely petite, I told my wife I would not go out of the "Closet"
She was agreeing with this as her request was not to embarrass her by going out
and be "Spotted" in womans clothes. I am very well known in our small community,
and very active in my Veteran's Groups. So I live with the boundaries, it just works
for the two of us; As I can dress anytime around the house I want.
Rader

[TheCommoner]

I think my boundaries are continually evolving and changing depending on my life situation at the moment. I dress up and go out occassionally, but only periodically. I have a lot of fun and then I go back to my drab time.