little dilimma....am i right to feel this way?

[Melissa73]

a little background first. i have been crossdresssing since i was 10-11 yrs old. and always closeted, but caught many times only to have the one who caught me tell other people. Alwyas made me scared to tell people my little "hobby."

Anyways, today i was talking to my roommate, former wife, who is now gay, on the phone. She had wanted her g/f to sleep over tonight. I had told her i didnt quite feel comfortable dressed around people i dont know and id get a hotel room. She came back, said no, that they'd just stay in the her room, and that they mutually agreed to it to make everyone comfortable. But what bugged me was that my roommate was discussing my dressing with someone i didnt know! I was Angry!! and i let her know. She thought she was in the right because it would help me come out more.... BUt as i kept telling her, its about her talking about my private life. But she said i just need to come out "big and bold!!" and be myself.

But as of this minute im still angry, as i feel like my rights to tell or not to tell someone was violated!!! She didnt tell me or ask me if she could tell her g/f. ANd now i have to deal with a total stranger knowing that i crossdress. My roommate says, "well we are open minded lesbians and she won't tell. she loves drag queens!"

So am i wrong to feel violated? just wondering>>>

melissa

[Nocturnal Kaylee]

I know exactly how you feel. My girlfriend has now told more people that I'm trans than I have. She doesn't feel its wrong because these people don't care but I don't feel its fair to take control of something so big away from someone. But its pretty common knowledge that once you tell one person others will find out even if you don't want them to.

[NathalieX66]

your ex knows what's best for her. She has nothing to lose.

My High school sweetheart is lez, and has a girlfriend.

I would let it go.
Unless this is something that jeopardizes you employment, or screws up your relationship with your immediate family, I would let it go. People are dying in Syria, and I would simply like to add my old analogy of 5.4 million people a year worldwide die from smoking cigarettes, crossdressers zero.....hope this helps.
Peace & love.

[Barbara Ella]

I think you are right to feel violated, but not to get overly upset with your roommate. Given the situation, you have to expect your secret will leak out. You just need to have some serious chat time with your roommate and make her understand that it cannot happen again. I know she does not see it as a biggie, but this is much more of an internal issue than the one she deals with.

Barbara

[Beverley Sims]

I can see why you feel like this and it is perfectly right.
I like to keep my private life quiet.
On the other side there is a lifestyle of lesbians and gays jumping in and out of bed.
There is always talk of one doing this or that with someone else.
A prank being pulled on someone and so on.
These conversations are generally light banter between like souls and do not carry much credence.
Every body's doing it and it is quite normal.
Put a straight person in that position and it is backs to the wall so to speak.
Put a straight person on this board that has nothing to do with our lifestyle and he/she would be weirded out immediately.
How would he reply to someone who as just applied makeup and a bra and walking around the house in frilly panties.
Unfortunately your private life has been outed, your friend felt no guilt and your wife has another friend now.
I would not feel violated but annoyed. Take it a little lightly and tell your friend not to reveal too much to of your personal life others.
It is wrong, but keep it cool for now.
If you make too much of it, it might all blow up in your face.
As it is, at the moment, it is probably, "Who cares." :)

[Joanne f]

What's done is done so you cannot do much about that now but I understand how you feel , you shared something with a friend and they thought it might help you to be open with it when they are there , well to a certain extent it would for it is much nicer to be dressed around someone than on your own (once you get over the embarrassment bit) , so you have two choices now , take advantage of the situation but explain that you do not want to come out BIG an BOLD as she puts it as that makes it look like she is going to tell everyone, or lye low with it while she is there and hope it will defuse her enthusiasm as to getting you out more and I expect that will depend on what your other personal circumstances are as regards to job, family and other friends.

I think it would be worth you explaining to her that cross dressing and TG issues are quite a bit different to drag queens as it is more of a personal thing then she might understand how you feel .

[Kathy4ever]

I understand you being mad. It seems like she is trying to get you to come out and be yourself instead of hiding it. She she understand and let you come out at your own pace. I guess if i was you i would try and get over it and maybe dress up and interact with the girls next time.

[Amy A]

She most likely believes that she's helping you in some way. I can understand why you are angry and why she might think it's fine, but at the end of the day it's your life and you should be able to set the pace of any emergence into the world.

Try to let go of the anger, perhaps even spend the evening with her and her girlfriend (the cat is out of the bag there so unless it really does make you very uncomfortable you might as well enjoy it) but at some point sit down with your room-mate and explain your position calmly and clearly so it doesn't happen again. Her motives were most likely pure and not intended to harm you in any way so try to keep that in mind.

[Nichola]

By the sound of it, I don't think she had any bad intentions but I understand how you feel, it's very personal. Maybe talk to her some more & clear the air.

[Melissa73]

ty for all the responses.... I did cool down later and telephoned her from work (she had called me at work). i explained why i was sooo upset, having experienced being caught as a young kid, and how they would tell someone! But also that unlike her, i didnt want to come out big! And that i did have too watch how i came ouyt due to work.... After all i explained that crossdressers don't have the legel protection that gays have on the job (i know some places).

Anyways, i told her, that she's gonna have to earn my trust back! ANd she said she understood... but we will see.
melissa

[kimdl93]

True, she might have at least given you a heads up, but I think you're being a bit overly sensitive. Your room mate in this case is your ex. The person she told is her most intimate friend. Who else can she talk to? And it's better to be open about it than to maintain a pretense when guests are over.

You'll feel less violated if you make up your mind to be more open. You can't be caught if you're not hiding!

[Sara Jessica]

This is quite the tangled web, almost could be the stuff of a sitcom script if there was a way to extract some sort of humor out of the whole thing.

I think there are two ways to look at it. Yeah, I get it about the disclosure to others thing. But have communicated to her an expectation that she harbor your "secret"? That leads to the other side of the coin, that you being her roommate is part of the fabric of her life. It is her home too and why couldn't she choose to have friends over when she wishes without having to worry about whether or not you are running around in a dress? For that reason, perhaps she has told others as well, just so they wouldn't be surprised by the sight of you.

That said...


...Anyways, today i was talking to my roommate, former wife, who is now gay, on the phone. She had wanted her g/f to sleep over tonight. I had told her i didnt quite feel comfortable dressed around people i dont know and id get a hotel room.

I'm trying to understand why a hotel room was even a consideration. You couldn't choose NOT to dress for one evening, or confine it to your bedroom???

[Kate Simmons]

The thing is you never know and can't control is what others tell others about you. The best secret is one that is left untold. This goes way back to the 1960's when Green Lantern(in Green Lantern comics) told a woman at a social event after she asked who he really was: "If I told you it would be our secret and a secret known to two is no longer a secret." Never tell anyone anything about yourself that you don't want someone else to know.:)

[GondorRachel]

To be fair, you just told everyone here that shes gay. So, similar (not necessarily the same) feelings could be felt on her end. Not condoning what she did, just pointing it out.

[NicoleScott]

To be fair, you just told everyone here that shes gay.

It's not the same, because 1) Melissa did not identify (by name) the person she told us was gay, and 2) the gay person may be openly gay (we don't know).
It was wrong. It was saying "I know what's better for you than you do".
Melissa, you were violated, and either get an apology and assurrances it won't happen again, or change living arrangements.

[Sally24]

You are in the right but that's not really worth much. Try to stress to her that it's your decision to be more out or bold or whatever. She should follow your lead on that.

[Rogina B]

You do have a unique living situation..I think she was[is] following the outing philosophy that the G and L community is used to.You should nicely explain that coming out that way isn't your plan..

[kathtx]

On the other side there is a lifestyle of lesbians and gays jumping in and out of bed.


???????

I really hope you're not suggesting that lesbians and gays are more (or less) promiscuous than straight people.

[carhill2mn]

No, I don't think that you are "wrong". It is usually considered good form to not tell someone else unless permission has been given.

[Celeste]

Yes,you are right to be mad ,I would be livid.She made an assumption and broke your confidentiality.I would seek an apology and then a new roomate.

[Melissa73]

well ty u all for the advice. as of tonight we talked briefly again. I told her about getting advice from u girls and I can see her point of view (once i cooled off and listened to her) and she saw my point of view. And part of me says maybe it was for the best, however i did stress that even though i didnt plan to come out blodly, and that i perfer to "blend in" when out.... as in underdressing for now....maybe i wont ever come out like she did. maybe i will. I dont know! But i told her the coming out process is personal for each one, and everyone should have the right to how...

melissa

[Sara Jessica]

...however i did stress that even though i didnt plan to come out blodly, and that i perfer to "blend in" when out.... as in underdressing for now....maybe i wont ever come out like she did. maybe i will. I dont know!

Don't kid yourself. You are not blending in by any stretch of the imagination when you're out and happen to be underdressing. You are just as closeted as you are when behind closed doors. And when all is said and done, your roommate is being forced to share your closet with you. I still have a hard time understanding how this is a practical living situation.

[LaraPeterson]

This is troublesome on so many levels. The part that jumps out to me with all kinds of red flags is why is our ex-wife your roommate? If it's a financial thing, do something different. It's a little selfish on your part to room with her, know her as you have, and expect her not to tell her current SO. I understand your anger, and even your feeling violated, but that's exactly what I would expect in such an arrangement.

It's all part of the lgbt, bglt, glbt, bacon, lettuce, and tomato thing. Mixed up lifestyles--I have one--bring more challenges than we can imagine, handle or overcome. Adjust and move on.

[Melissa73]

(I'm trying to understand why a hotel room was even a consideration. You couldn't choose NOT to dress for one evening, or confine it to your bedroom???)

to respond, this my attempt to make her feel comfortable to bring her gf to the house for the night and me to dress ...;later she offered to stay in her room but i didnt feel that was right either and volunteered to not dress at all so she'd be comfortable. (i now realize, that despite the disagreement over telling her g/f, both my roommate and i were both trying to be considerate of one anther. (i guess thats y we are still friends!!!)

melissa

[Chickhe]

When you live with someone else there is reduced privacy. Get over your anger and just make sure they understand why you want it to be private. Otherwise, I would say, if you live with lesbians, take advantage of it and tag along with them...they have a point, you will have more fun if you just get over your fear and get out... you can always make a plausible cover story that you did it for fun just to humor them one night when you drank too much... that is, if you need to deny anything later...

[DanaR]

Feelings are neither right or wrong, just the way we feel. Maybe your ex is just pushing you a little to come out a little, like she seems to have done. It sounds like her and her GF would be good friends to have if you ever wanted to go out.

[DebbieL]

a little background first. i have been crossdresssing since i was 10-11 yrs old. and always closeted, but caught many times only to have the one who caught me tell other people. Always made me scared to tell people my little "hobby."

Yes, I can identify. I remember being brutalized several times for being a "Sissy", I was hospitalized several times because of it. Many of my asthma attacks were aggravated by the stress of the bullying by the majority of the boys, attacks so severe that I would end up in the emergency room, and in the hospital for 2 weeks.


Anyways, today i was talking to my roommate, former wife, who is now gay, on the phone. She had wanted her g/f to sleep over tonight. I had told her i didnt quite feel comfortable dressed around people i dont know and id get a hotel room. She came back, said no, that they'd just stay in the her room, and that they mutually agreed to it to make everyone comfortable. But what bugged me was that my roommate was discussing my dressing with someone i didnt know! I was Angry!! and i let her know.

My wife told a few of her friends, and told her mother, and was surprised when they were supportive of ME!. She did try to blackmail me, threatening to tell my fundamentalist Christian grandfather about my "Inner Girl" - who didn't have a name at that point. My grandmother already knew, and the last time I saw her, she asked if I was a boy or a girl. She had known since I was about 7.


She thought she was in the right because it would help me come out more.... BUt as i kept telling her, its about her talking about my private life. But she said i just need to come out "big and bold!!" and be myself.

Actually, she's probably right. She knows exactly what it feels like to try and keep your innermost desires a secret, to try and live a lie. Your ex-wife still cares about you very much and would love to see you happy and free. Maybe with some help she could help you pass, and you could begin to create a network of friends who know and love Melissa. She knows how much it hurts to not know whether people who like you would like you if they knew about your little "secret" - for her it was being a lesbian, for you it's being Transgendered. She's suffered in her way in her years of growing up too.

You probably should talk to a counselor or therapist, someone who has experience with gender identity issues. You need to sort out for yourself. If you're just a transvestite, content to put on pretty clothes and stay at home, and never be known or loved as your feminine self, then you don't ever need to come out. On the other hand, if you are transgendered, or transsexual, then you have part of you, maybe a very important part of you, that is literally living in a prison of your own making. It takes courage to step out of that prison. The door is open, you could step out of the cage at any time, but your own fear makes you a prisoner. Your wife would like to see you set free, and would like to see you loved and accepted for who you really are.

I suspect that your wife knows you better than you know yourself in many ways. She knows how important this is for you, she knows how much you want to be able to dress, she knows that you want more than anything to find "Melissa's True Love".

When I finally told my AA/NA sponsor the full extent of my transgender identity, how much I had wanted to be a girl my whole life, I had written it all down, it took 2 nights to go through all of it. Then he told me "So when are we going to meet YOU". He asked me if I had a name for my female self. He gave me a week to pick one. I told him I would go to the Halloween party dressed as a girl, to which he responded "That's a start, make sure you have something for the following days (Saturday and Sunday) as well". I had to admit that I was terrified. I made a maid's uniform myself, using bridal satin and chiffon, with a Ruffler on my 1910 Singer Trundle Sewing machine. I wore it to the Halloween party at the office, then to the Halloween party that night (where I won best costume), and on Saturday, I went to an AA meeting at 10 PM wearing a skirt, heels, and a satin blouse, with a leather jacket. It was the best thing I ever could have done.

The most interesting thing was that on Saturday, when I wore the street clothes to the meeting, women realized that I was "one of the girls" and many women started becoming much friendlier, treating me like one of them. I was invited to a women's meeting, but I had to come as Debbie, and to a gay meeting where I was welcome to come as Debbie, and to a young people's meeting where I should come as Debbie. I got invited to Biker meetings, and became one of the girls at those meetings. We started going out for coffee more, and DEBBIE suddenly had more friends than Rex ever had, or wanted. Soon I had men and women asking me to sponsor them, and before long I had 10 people I was taking through the steps at the same time, often 4-5 of us would go to coffee and actually do the work.

For me, coming out was the best thing ever to happen to me, and even though I have had to go through the "coming out" process a few times, I am always glad after I do. The last time I went to a new group in a new town as Debbie, they didn't realize I was a guy. When I showed up at a meeting the following week as Rex, they wanted to know if I had a sister. When I shared about being transgendered, they asked if they could call me Debbie even though I was in "boy mode". I realized that it really did fit, and even when I go to the meeting as Rex because of schedule constraints, I'm eagerly greeted and hugged by men and women who are happy to see Debbie again.


But as of this minute i'm still angry, as i feel like my rights to tell or not to tell someone was violated!!! She didnt tell me or ask me if she could tell her g/f. ANd now i have to deal with a total stranger knowing that i crossdress. My roommate says, "well we are open minded lesbians and she won't tell. she loves drag queens!"

Keep in mind that she was telling her lover, someone she loves as much as you, someone she trusted with her own secret of being a lesbian. She had probably probed and tested and checked for several weeks before deciding to tell her, and probably made sure that her lover could keep it confidential. The fact that she assumed that you were a "Drag Queen" indicates that she probably doesn't understand the difference between the various forms of transgender identities. Some Drag Queens are transgendered, but many are just doing it for fun and profit.


So am i wrong to feel violated? just wondering>>>

No, nobody like having their covers pulled. You didn't tell all your friends that your wife was a lesbian (did you?). It's natural to be afraid that the gossip will spread, that you will have to go through the pain and torment that you have experienced the other times your secret was discovered and revealed. Forgive her. Her heart is in the right place, she really wants what's best for you, and you probably should find someone who can support you in coming out. You probably are transsexual and it may be the very best thing she could possibly do for you to help you discover that you can be loved and accepted.


melissa