RachelDee
11-30-2005, 07:46 PM
A few posts down i stated about how it all came out about the wanting to be female and wearing female clothes, by accident, but still my immediate family know now.
Well my dad has been rather.... well.. he hasent mentioned it since... though he seems to be acting normally around me... so thats ok. But my mum keeps bursting into tears :( when she asks me something and i start talking to her she starts filling up with tears.
She said to me today, after she mentioned once more that maybe the OCD had caused this and the feelings would probably go away, a few things that made me think more. She didnt want to tell my Dad that the therapist said it could actually be the other way round, this issue caused the OCD (either completley or at least made it worse).
Well when i told her that the therapist said its 'not the end of the world' if i wanted to change sex, she said 'Its easy for him to say, its not him is it'.
She also indicated that i might be being influanced by people online, or by websites or things im reading. Hmmm, she said its probably because i dont socialize much right now... I said that it was the other way around, I felt like this and went to find the sites. I didnt find the sites then start feeling like it. She also then thought she might have caused it, by 'molly coddling' me when i was younger... I told her that wasent what caused it and she asked me how i knew for sure... I did ask if she wanted me to bring up a few sites for her to look at but she said not at the moment.
Well I told her that there is a solution, and it shouldnt make any difference to anyone but me - ill still be Robert just the Robert i wanted to be. To which she replied, Surgery? Then she said she saw people/stories in the newpaper who used to be men and are now women, and you can tell as they still look like men mostley... she was saying what kind of life would i have? Also she said 'And you wont be able to have children either' she said she hoped i would meet someone and have Children one day... which led back to me being gay. She said if i felt like a women i must like Men then... So thats what the having children was about i guess, she thought i was going to 'hook up' with a guy and expect to have babies... :confused:
Well, i dont think i can go through this no matter how much i might want to. It's different if there was just me, but i dont think i can do that to my family - sort of kill off someone. It's like intentionally hurting them, I mean its December, and im making my mother cry FFS :mad: It can only get worse... the christmas season and she is probably thinking that she is losing her 'son'. Nice christmas gift im giving them this year :/ I feel so angry with myself at times.
I havent felt this sure about what i wanted for a long time, and i thought id finally made sense of the feelings i was having... and i have moments where i know 2010% that its the right thing to do. But the feelings of 'guilt' and 'shame' are really taking their tole on me at the moment and making me feel very mixed up again. It might be what i want but would it be really selfish to put my parents through that (and the rest of the family).
On a side-note, I seem to be having a strange reaction to all this. My tastes in things are changing... I don't mean to stereotype but i was watching a film today, and actually felt bored, it was action/fantasy. I keep finding myself 'hooked' on stupid soaps and stuff that are on TV.... and caring about what happens in them.... Maybe its my imagination but sometimes it feels like my brain just unlocked itself and is now re-re-programing itself ready for the change, dumping anything that i really dont like but i thought or convinced myself i did..... I know thats impossible but at teh moment i feel Angry one moment, sad, happy... Also since this started, I keep having the wierdest dreams. That is in 90% of them im female. Im not exagerating, infact im 'me' in the dreams except im female or dressed like one.
No one can answer this really, I mean about the 'whats best' bit its something i have to decide for myself unfortunatley. :) I just needed to write down what i felt like somewhere. Anyhow if you made it this far down, thanks for reading :thumbsup: and sticking with it lol.
EDIT:
I have been thinking that maybe it would be better for everyone if this had stayed 'buried'. Maybe i should be 'strong' and just get on with it and throw out the clothes ive bought so im not reminded.. I dunno life sucks sometimes, well often (ok mostley).
Well my dad has been rather.... well.. he hasent mentioned it since... though he seems to be acting normally around me... so thats ok. But my mum keeps bursting into tears :( when she asks me something and i start talking to her she starts filling up with tears.
She said to me today, after she mentioned once more that maybe the OCD had caused this and the feelings would probably go away, a few things that made me think more. She didnt want to tell my Dad that the therapist said it could actually be the other way round, this issue caused the OCD (either completley or at least made it worse).
Well when i told her that the therapist said its 'not the end of the world' if i wanted to change sex, she said 'Its easy for him to say, its not him is it'.
She also indicated that i might be being influanced by people online, or by websites or things im reading. Hmmm, she said its probably because i dont socialize much right now... I said that it was the other way around, I felt like this and went to find the sites. I didnt find the sites then start feeling like it. She also then thought she might have caused it, by 'molly coddling' me when i was younger... I told her that wasent what caused it and she asked me how i knew for sure... I did ask if she wanted me to bring up a few sites for her to look at but she said not at the moment.
Well I told her that there is a solution, and it shouldnt make any difference to anyone but me - ill still be Robert just the Robert i wanted to be. To which she replied, Surgery? Then she said she saw people/stories in the newpaper who used to be men and are now women, and you can tell as they still look like men mostley... she was saying what kind of life would i have? Also she said 'And you wont be able to have children either' she said she hoped i would meet someone and have Children one day... which led back to me being gay. She said if i felt like a women i must like Men then... So thats what the having children was about i guess, she thought i was going to 'hook up' with a guy and expect to have babies... :confused:
Well, i dont think i can go through this no matter how much i might want to. It's different if there was just me, but i dont think i can do that to my family - sort of kill off someone. It's like intentionally hurting them, I mean its December, and im making my mother cry FFS :mad: It can only get worse... the christmas season and she is probably thinking that she is losing her 'son'. Nice christmas gift im giving them this year :/ I feel so angry with myself at times.
I havent felt this sure about what i wanted for a long time, and i thought id finally made sense of the feelings i was having... and i have moments where i know 2010% that its the right thing to do. But the feelings of 'guilt' and 'shame' are really taking their tole on me at the moment and making me feel very mixed up again. It might be what i want but would it be really selfish to put my parents through that (and the rest of the family).
On a side-note, I seem to be having a strange reaction to all this. My tastes in things are changing... I don't mean to stereotype but i was watching a film today, and actually felt bored, it was action/fantasy. I keep finding myself 'hooked' on stupid soaps and stuff that are on TV.... and caring about what happens in them.... Maybe its my imagination but sometimes it feels like my brain just unlocked itself and is now re-re-programing itself ready for the change, dumping anything that i really dont like but i thought or convinced myself i did..... I know thats impossible but at teh moment i feel Angry one moment, sad, happy... Also since this started, I keep having the wierdest dreams. That is in 90% of them im female. Im not exagerating, infact im 'me' in the dreams except im female or dressed like one.
No one can answer this really, I mean about the 'whats best' bit its something i have to decide for myself unfortunatley. :) I just needed to write down what i felt like somewhere. Anyhow if you made it this far down, thanks for reading :thumbsup: and sticking with it lol.
EDIT:
I have been thinking that maybe it would be better for everyone if this had stayed 'buried'. Maybe i should be 'strong' and just get on with it and throw out the clothes ive bought so im not reminded.. I dunno life sucks sometimes, well often (ok mostley).