15 years of CDing has left me empty and alone

[girlygirly]

I finally realized this doesn't work for me, and that it is time to back out slowly. I've never tried to pass and haven't come out intentionally to anyone but one close female friend. So glad for that, anyone who never asked while they had a chance will probably never get that chance. Time to put the genie back in the bottle, I'm a guy and would rather live as one.

I think I can turn back, the pain and confusion of living a life I can't share has finally come to a screeching halt, though. I don't see myself purging, that would be difficult because I don't have anything truly male to wear. There will also be issues with things like underwear and such. I don't really like boxers, briefs or going commando. I was able to get where I am now, and can only hope I somehow managed to leave a trail of bread crumbs so I can find my way back

I'm just going to back away from this. There are parts I will miss greatly, but the ability to put this away will give me the confidence to go places I haven't gone in years, like on a date for instance. So much easier not to anticipate a time where I might need to tell, and it may be easier to explain a life I walked away from if I ever feel a need to.

Thanks to all who post here, I really have learned a great deal from all of you. I probably will be back to visit from time to time. I also realize that many find a way to make it all work for them, but I don't think I will ever be able to get there.

[jsunic_1978]

I have a big shoe fetish. its a lot better alternative till i meet a woman thatll understand me. I eventually started to dress and i felt the same emptyness when i hid it. since I came out, most dont assume im gay, which i am straight. I just like to dress. Dating tough is really difficult tough. I just tell right away. just get to know jeff, ill keep jen hidden. If a woman cant accept as i come out right away, then oh well. i dont expect a woman to go out with me as jen and i clearly explain that.

[MonctonGirl]

I admire your courage and hope that things work out for you.
I recommend you don't come back to visit even when stressed ( which is the likely time you would ).
Ignore those who try to justify your dressing and want you to stay - they are trying to help but
you have figured out that you will be better off being a man 100% of the time and will get what
you want because of that. Took you a while to figure it out and that seems to be right for YOU.
Just turn your back on this and never look back. It seems that's what you need to do for YOU.

Mind you, I am sure you would be welcomed if you did want to return so don't take that the wrong way. lol

PS. Perhaps men's spandex sports boxer briefs would be right for you.

Best to you, Sir.

[Angela Campbell]

ai hope it works out for you and you are happy. I wish I could do the same but I cannot because this really is me. I have fought with it for 50 years and I just decided I cannot deny who I really am. We are all different, but I understand the loneliness. Do what works for you.

[DAVIDA]

Good luck with your decision.
Just remember, no matter what you wear, it will not change who you are.:straightface:

[Karren H]

Walking away and not purging seem to be mutually exclusive.... imho.... like dieting with a big chocolate cake in the fridge?

[Beverley Sims]

I wish you luck with making the break, may it all work out well for you.

[stephNE]

I also want to wish you the best. You have my support on what ever road life takes you. Steph

[Sara Jessica]

The choices you have made with respect to how you have integrated your CD'ing into your day to day life are what leaves you empty & alone, not the CD'ing in and of itself. But there are things in your post which seem to be contradicting. You suggest no one in your life really knows about this side of you, yet you own no male clothing. Even if your choices of women's clothing have been rather androgynous, don't think others have not perceived something as being a bit off.

Regarding dating, if you haven't done this of late out of fear of eventual disclosure, then that is on you, not the CD'ing. But again, a lack of male clothing in your wardrobe might make dating a more interesting prospect to start with given your choice not to own who you are.

Perhaps you are making the right choice because what you describe in your life right now is nothing short of limbo driven by fear. Best of luck, if your desire to quit is like what many others have described, your plan not to purge is a smart one (yet it gives you an easy out to this whole thing, another contradiction IMHO).

[suzy1]

Walking away and not purging seem to be mutually exclusive.... imho.... like dieting with a big chocolate cake in the fridge?

You don’t take any prisoners do you Karren:eek:

But I have to agree with you.:straightface:

[Jenny Doolittle]

No matter what you wear, I hope you find happiness.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Girly , I wish you luck But crossdressing is like the Mafia , You just cant quit.

[Karren H]

You don’t take any prisoners do you Karren:eek:

But I have to agree with you.:straightface:

Never..... the ones I took got into the fridge and ate all my chocolate cake!

[TGMarla]

I think I understand how you feel, and if this is indeed a sincere endeavor for you, then I wish you success, happiness, and the very best. However, I also agree with Karren and Sara on this one.

Good luck to you.

[Cynthia Anne]

I think Karren is right here! It's like trying to back up with with the parking brake on!

[linda allen]

I finally realized this doesn't work for me, and that it is time to back out slowly.

If this is truly what you want to do, I believe you can do it and I wish you the best. Don't listen to those who say it can't be done, if you want it badly enough, you can do it. :hugs:

[Jenniferathome]

Walking away and not purging seem to be mutually exclusive.... imho.... like dieting with a big chocolate cake in the fridge?

And coming to visit this forum? An acolholic visiting his old favorite bar, just for good times sake? Doesn't make sense.

[jsunic_1978]

It all comes down to, if some of us are still single, we have to be male mode in different areas if we want to date. Since I like bi women and transgender, dating shouldn't be a problem for me when I am ready. No one likes a downer nor anyone that is unhappy. FOR 30 YEARS I. HAD AN ATTITUDE PROBLEM, BIG TIME! This is mainly because I was suppressing the real me and I have just learned this. The more I come out and dress, Jeff seems happier to, when Jeff. We have to really explore our true selves and just be our selves, be happy with our selves and number one, JUST MAKE NEW FRIENDS. I know the rest will all come together. I do wish you the best. there a lot of CDs on this site I would love to go on a date with and especially someone in transition, which is a defiant possibility I want to explore. to thy own selves be true, just keep an open heart and mind. till next time, I have all of my pretty shoes that makes me happy and a female or someone special will come in my life that will appreciate this. time and places and people will balance out as we are true to our selves.

[Ressie]

I understand what girly is feeling. Friends, family, acceptance and belonging are all important parts of being happy. The more I dress the more alienated I become from others, cause I'm also in the closet. Dressing full time while staying home can only lead to feeling completely alone. This will most likely turn to boredom, depression and could cause a bit of mental illness.

I suggest some positive thinking no matter what your decision is. You might want to try stepping out in another town to see if you feel OK around other people while dressed. If you really do quit CDing, you'll need a new hobby (habit) to replace it. Maybe try something that you always had interest in, but never got around to?

[Barbara Ella]

I do wish you all the luck you can muster. THis will not be easy, as you have a lot of time imvested into setting up your psyche. You do seem to have some contradicitons you will seriously need to work through. Please don't get upset if this change does not feel right immediately. You will need to try to give it sufficient time to have moved away from where you were. If you have doubts, you need to seriously line out what exactly did not work for you. There may be only one part of your dressing that does not satisfy you.

Luck, Barbara

[NyssaF]

and haven't come out intentionally to anyone but one close female friend. So glad for that, anyone who never asked while they had a chance will probably never get that chance. Time to put the genie back in the bottle, I'm a guy and would rather live as one.

Good luck! No one here is trying to be a jerk when we suggest that you might end up right back where you were. There are a lot of us who have lived it, and we're just sharing. I have been there myself, swearing to myself that I am done, that it was time for me to stop "playing" and be a man. I went 10 years without dressing, figuring that I had put it away forever.

However, over those 10 years I still would find myself wanting to dress, but then I'd deny that I had even thought that. I'd see a dress or skirt that really caught my attention, and would give myself a metaphorical smack on the back of the head to snap myself out of it. After a few years, I started sneaking in a read on a CD forum (before I found crossdressers.com). One night I put on one of my wife's skirts. I went a couple more years, and then I just couldn't hold it in anymore.

Support does help a lot, of course. My wife grudgingly accepts this (she knew before we got married). My three bestest friends (all women) in the world know an actively support me. Some of the pics I've posted here were taken by one of them (B), S gives me makeup advice whenever I ask. T goes to local CD meetings with me. It was scary as hell to open up about it, but the love and support I've received more than made up for that terror.

I am still closeted, though, and can only dress here at home or at the CD meetings. And I readily admit that there are times when I feel lonely. Like I say, I've been there before. I wish you lots and lots of luck. And two bits of advice: 1) Spend a lot of time thinking about who you are inside. 2) Be true to who you are inside.

[kimdl93]

In the end, this is up to you. But have you considered that there may be other factors in your life that have left you feeling lonely and empty. Perhaps you should look into some counseling to address the origins and contributors to these feelings.

[JulieK1980]

I can relate to this. The other day, I decided I wouldn't get any older.

[KellyJameson]

If the CDing stops your personal growth such as keeping you from becoming confident than I think you are wise to set it aside because it sounds like you were using it to escape life instead of discovering life and through this discovery yourself.

For many Cding is a journey inward not because they are running away from something but because they are running toward something.

It is difficult when you are doing it to know the difference between running away or running toward (inward) and probably for many it is a little of both.

Life insists on balance and when we are out of balance life punishes us with pain to push us back into balance and your words sound like the CDing was throwing your life out of balance because it was preventing you from having other experiences that you need.

Each person has a natural balance between extroversion and introversion that is comfortable for them that decides how much they want and need to be with others and how much they want and need to be alone.

For some CDing is a solitary experience but if your natural balance is toward extroversion than you will set yourself up for the pain of being out of balance because you need to be with others but want the CDing to remain in the shadows.

Much of the pain of CDing comes from society trying to suppress it causing conflict for those who want and need to spend more time with people than they are but don't because of the CDing.

In a sense CDing is having a relationship with yourself and relating to other people is having a relationship with yourself through other people so CDing and relationships are the same thing done in two different ways with the individual trapped in the vise slowly being squeezed.

Life is not so much a path but an experience that comes from walking many paths at once that we continually step on and off of so constantly are changing our experiences.

Sometimes CDing is experienced as an addiction so it comes with the fear of addiction because you feel it controls you instead of you controlling it but truly it is not really about control or addiction but simply a tool to experience life with among many tools available.

It becomes a problem than when you do not have enough tools to experience life with so have to depend on only one or two which feels like addiction so creates fear.

Go out and develop other tools to create other experiences by the greater choice you have from the larger inventory of tools available to choose from.

[linda allen]

In the end, this is up to you. But have you considered that there may be other factors in your life that have left you feeling lonely and empty. Perhaps you should look into some counseling to address the origins and contributors to these feelings.

That's the answer to the question you didn't ask, but Kim is right, there are probably other thing keeping you lonely, not just the crossdressing.

[Janelle_C]

I wish you the best of luck. When I was younger and working and raising kids I tried to push it away but it always came back.I understand the confusion of life living, male, female and the sadness of keeping it a secret. But when I push those feeling away it brings me more sadness. When I express my fem side I feel so good and happy. I'm not out so it is hard to keep my fem side a secret from those I love and care about, and someday I hope to be out. I do wish you all the happiness and peace you can find with your decision. Janelle

[babypete]

Best of luck with finding out the truth behind it all :) Keep yer chin up! Understanding who you really are inside is very important. As Kelly said if you find Cding is stopping your personal growth then you probably are wise to put it aside.

[ReluctantDebutant]

I had to stop by and give you best wishes on your endeavor. I have recently taken steps on the same journey for similar reasons. This is a hard journey we both are on and many say that it is impossible. I tend to doubt those people. I would like to impart to you a few tips that I've learned.

1. Know why you like to cross-dress. Understanding that can help you quit. It lets you know whether you need it in your life or you can find a substitute for it.

2. Remember why you want to quit constantly visualizing your goals will help you get through those times when it seemed easier to give in.

3. The biggest and best argument for cross-dressing is the quitters worst enemy. The fact that cross-dressing isn't evil, doesn't hurt anyone, and is perfectly harmless is the biggest temptation to return. Just like to a dieter that one cookie isn't going to hurt or to someone quitting smoking that one cigarette will be okay the idea of dressing up for old times sake will be ever present. You will slip. But don't let one cookie become a plate or one cigarette become pack. Always remember why you're quitting and why it is important to you.

4. Try to stay away from activities and things that trigger the desire to cross-dress in you.

5. Try to do activities that take your mind off of cross-dressing.

Cross-dressing is a personal act people do it for themselves if you wish to truly cease cross-dressing then you have to remember you are doing this for yourself and only you can get you through this. Again best of luck

[jsunic_1978]

I don't know why I was so afraid to come out, but Im glad I finally did. The key is, I dont do it everywhere nor co workers know about it. I would just hang at the gun range if your into guns. (not my thing), but you get the drift. Go as a guy, to plays, coffee houses, libraries, book stores. Or go antiquing. I need to take some of this same advise also. The biggest places where well meet like minded people are in the arts. Go as a guy and the time will just happen automatically when to tell. That connection will already be made (understanding you're looking for will flourish) I wouldn't quit CDing all together. Just do all these things I just mentioned in guy mode.

[Meghan]

This one is tough, because 15 years is a good experience base.

The key thing here is that you've recognized that the current state isn't working. Your solution to that problem is an extreme one.

I was at an event on Saturday. We counted no less than 7 known MtF crossdressers there (including me) of a total of about 90 people. Of the 40 males there, 7 represents about 18% of them.

Even though it was a "kink" friendly event, the fact that 18% of the males there were known crossdressers to the community blew me away. That's a huge number.

I am learning the value (and peril) of extending my personal network of people that I reach out to. Overall it's been quite good, I am trying not to let a negative experience overshadow the many positive ones I have enjoyed since I have taken this new approach (for me).

Perhaps you are feeling unfulfilled because you need some external energy that you're not currently getting? Is there a way to expand your personal network? The message board helps, but have you truly engaged with someone on a personal basis who understands what you're about?

Just a thought...

Meghan

[StarrOfDelite]

Walking away and not purging seem to be mutually exclusive.... imho.... like dieting with a big chocolate cake in the fridge?

My grandfather quit smoking cold turkey, and carried a pack of Camels around in his coat pocket for years afterward as a reminder to resist temptation. He died at age 88, at which time he hadn't smoked for 36 years.

Re: The Original Post. I always subscribe to the notion that so long as nobody else gets hurt, and no laws are broken, that a person should follow their own dream. So, best wishes and good luck!

[Stephanie47]

When there is emptiness in life, then it seems we gravitate to that which offers some sort of fulfillment. From your post, if you truly do not have many male clothes, is there a bigger issue? I have found when my life is stressful or unfulfilling I cross dress more. I know I do not pass for a woman, and, I never will. That does not preclude dressing when I have the need. I have other things in my life going for me, family and friends.

I read so many posts of this site of men conflicted about their situations. Sometimes I wonder if cross dressing, which makes them feel comfortable, is not a method to escape reality. I under the concept of a woman trapped in a man's body. That's not me. I have no idea why my stress reliever is being en femme rather than in a bottle or illicit drugs or with 'loose' women.

I would recommend counseling. It seems you may have boxed yourself into a corner with cross dressing, rather than exploring the possibility of a reason for feeling they way you do.

I always suggest a need for balance in life. So many lives and relationships are destroyed by compulsive behavior, whether it is cross dressing or something else.

Moderation, moderation!

[becky77]

I wish you the best of luck, I fear from my own experience that it can't be denied, but I hope if it's what's best for you that it works.

[CINDYO]

if you are single then who cares, do what you want, it is really difficult for awife (if they are honest) so just remain single and have a ball only yourself to keep happy, and from what i have read here, you can never ever ever let this part of your life go. It is like being gay and denying it. It never ever leaves.. apparently

[flatlander_48]

I'm just going to back away from this. There are parts I will miss greatly, but the ability to put this away will give me the confidence to go places I haven't gone in years, like on a date for instance. So much easier not to anticipate a time where I might need to tell, and it may be easier to explain a life I walked away from if I ever feel a need to.

Everyone draws their line in the sand in a different place. It isn't good or bad; right or wrong. It is just what makes sense for that person at that point in time. So, Good Luck to you! If you change your mind at some point, we'll still be here. If not, we'll assume that all went well. Either way, it will be OK.

[Kaz]

You have had some great responses. Just think that this is not an either or... it is an acceptance of who you are, and then how you deal with it.

[Lucy Lou]

I know how it feels to be lonely. But becky, you look wonderful in your pic. Which I know is not apt to this thread but it had to be said. Being lonely is a part of what we all go through. But you cannot change what you are. If it makes you feel good dressing then do it. It is worth it. Best wishes. Lucy

I hope you can do it, but my honest opinion, from someone who has tried so many times to put it away, i think it will come back. There is a real head screw up cross dressing but it is something that if you have to do it you will.

Sorry for not telling you that it is OK to stop because I think that you will probably come back. Be what you think you have to be but, if you come back it is OK. Lots of love Lucy

[drushin703]

Good luck to you Girley. I can't say I know how you feel because I don't/ I have never tried to quit crossdressing and, god forbid, never want to get to a point
in this lonely life where I want to. But time on this planet is short so make the best of your personal situation while you have the chance. For me personally
I have too much invested to turn back now; too much emotion, too much money, too much secrecy, (too little nail polish remover left), too many unworn outfits,
too many five inch heels to learn to walk in and way too many present and future good times to look foward to. But if quiting brings you happiness and
greater interpersonal relationships, you are so brave to really want it.

Just keep in mind, the grass isn't always greener, sex with women is overrated and genies rarely go back in bottles....lol, dana

[Kyla]

...you cannot change what you are.

I agree. You're probably just going to wind up in a relationship with a women and you're going to be living a lie because those desires are still going to be there.

[Jamie Ann]

I finally realized this doesn't work for me, and that it is time to back out slowly. I've never tried to pass and haven't come out intentionally to anyone but one close female friend. So glad for that, anyone who never asked while they had a chance will probably never get that chance. Time to put the genie back in the bottle, I'm a guy and would rather live as one.

I think I can turn back. The pain and confusion of living a life I can't share has finally come to a screeching halt, though. I don't see myself purging, that would be difficult because I don't have anything truly male to wear. There will also be issues with things like underwear and such. I don't really like boxers, briefs or going commando. I was able to get where I am now, and can only hope I somehow managed to leave a trail of bread crumbs so I can find my way back.

Your title, “15 years of CDing has left me empty and alone” (a negative commentary on crossdressing), suggests to me that you may have an agenda. I wish anyone well in finding themselves and living authentically. If I have misunderstood your attitude, then I apologize. But I have to say that I question whether anyone who has crossdressed for 15 years is going to suddently decide that the feelings are gone and that they will not ever return to crossdressing. There is a growing body of scienctific evidence that “feelings” about one’s gender identity are rooted in neurology. You cannot change your neurological structure — the pattern of high and low density areas of you brain — simply by making a decision. The obvious question is whether you have been faking it for 15 years or whether you are engaging in wishful thinking now. You have some additional questions to answer. You should at the very least think about them more than you have.

I hope that you will respond to my doubts. There are right-wing religious and political groups that would say much what you have said. Are they right, or are you in a temporary period where social pressures mean more than being yourself?

[ReineD]

Your title, “15 years of CDing has left me empty and alone” (a negative commentary on crossdressing), suggests to me that you may have an agenda.

It's odd, I got a different impression from the OP's words. There was an absence of detail, but I took it that the OP isolated in order to dress, which in turn caused a lonely existence. I've read countless threads here from CDers whose worlds eventually shrink. The circle of friends diminish, they cease to find pleasure in other, non-CDing activities, their social lives become non-existant, all because they do not know how to achieve balance and put it all into perspective. This has got to be old after awhile. And I'm not talking about transsexuals here, strictly CDers.

[JohnnieCD]

I have to agree...CDing without real support is a lonely way through life...been tired of the loneliness myself...totally understand.
Hiding just sucks, coming out and the unknowns are horrifying....

Clothes don't make the man or woman....they get you by...but when you think about it....what is REALLY important at the end of the day?

[Carrie R]

I understand, but even without my CDing I am terrible at social activities. I work, go to church, and sleep and that is about it. Should be able to afford to get out more soon, but still I just don't know how to meet women. Shyness stinks. Better than I used to be I suppose, I lurked here for years before joining.

[NitaCD]

My feelings exactly! Kaz, I think your one sentance post has got it exactly right. It's not an either or question. We must accept who we are before we can even think about how to deal with it.

[Diversity]

Hi Girlygirly,
I am happy for you in that you appear to have gained significantly through this forum, and you have come to a realization as to who you really are. This is what it is all about for all of us on this forum. We are all here, I believe, to learn about our inner self. You are indeed fortunate to have seemingly found out about you. I wish you well on your return journey, and hope you continue to find the inner peace within, along the way.
Kind regards,
Di

[Robbin_Sinclair]

The part about having just too many things to wear hits home. Beyond community theater my first experience with the concept of truly dressing up and feeling as a woman was buying a pair of running shoes, of all things. I wanted a shoe that was small and very light. Footlocker had it...in many colors. I bought the black one with those little quarter socks.

That was the tipping point. The manly presence in me always compelled me to buy manly long socks. Wearing those little light shoes and the socks changed my whole conception of how I walked and felt. I played around in my head how it really felt to be a woman. I thought about my gait and how the shadow looked. It took me back Day One. Now I remember the family joke about how my mother bought me ballet slippers when I was born. A Something long forgotten. I've always been a little different, haven't you...Robbin?

What will happen? Not sure, but now I just know that wearing that stuff is a thrill in a time of my life when there aren't many out there for me. I agonize about the wait for my two new clothing orders (and the god awful bill) coming in the mail. My first real bra. First real heels. Little things in the bra. Such a newbe am I.

Our town is too small for counseling. That's too bad. xr

Good luck to you Girley. I can't say I know how you feel because I don't/ I have never tried to quit crossdressing and, god forbid, never want to get to a point
in this lonely life where I want to. But time on this planet is short so make the best of your personal situation while you have the chance. For me personally
I have too much invested to turn back now; too much emotion, too much money, too much secrecy, (too little nail polish remover left), too many unworn outfits,
too many five inch heels to learn to walk in and way too many present and future good times to look foward to. But if quiting brings you happiness and
greater interpersonal relationships, you are so brave to really want it.

Just keep in mind, the grass isn't always greener, sex with women is overrated and genies rarely go back in bottles....lol, dana

[Jamie Ann]

The problem with blaming crossdressing for one's loneliness is that we all have the option of going out and seeing others. If we can do that while crossdressed, that is wonderful. If we can't find others to socialize with us when we are crossdressed, then we can always go to work and be productive, go to concerts, go to church, go help at the Salvation Army or other charities, go to the health club, etc., etc. Clearly, people can get depressed for understandable reasons (loss of a loved one or whatever); and perhaps it is human nature to blame some scapegoat for how one feels. But my impression is that most of those who say, in effect, "Crossdressing has ruined my life!" are either in a temporary funk and will get over it in a few days or are coming from some group or organization that doesn't like crossdressing. The American Family Association (AFA), for instance, writes about transgender persons as if they are akin to pedophiles and schizophrenics. Unfortunately, those groups are out there. I have seen posts on this website that have the same usernames as regulars at http://healingcd.wordpress.com/, a religiously based anti-crossdressing site that rests on the premise that God detests anyone who messes with gender.

At the very least, contributors here (if they are going to make negative comments about what this site supposedly is about) should be very specific about why they are feeling bad and how they think that stems from crossdressing. Then others might be able to offer constructive suggestions. Last but not least, crossdressers always have the option of joining crossdresser support groups, which exist in any fairly large city in the US and probably in countries around the world. Monthly meetings give them the opportunity to crossdress and to share ideas with others who are sympathetic. There is no need to be lonely.

[jsunic_1978]

PATR TIME GIG AT A RESTAURANT.. Even if its just weekends. IT'S THE BEST SOCIAL ATMOSPHERE IN GUY MODE. For those of us that do go out dressed cross dressed, a clothing store will be the best gig. I have yet to see a male associate at a woman's clothing store, but dressed, lets apply :) they don't have to know if were straight, gay etc..

I don't see why we would want to stop dressing, especially we are not bad people nor pedophiles (most of us) Often, females I encounter encourage this. Dating however, well, in reality, in guy mode, we have to go to areas where we haven't cross dressed. Most importantly is to get right with our selves for whom of us that are still single. dressing in public. is helping me overcome my shyness. that circle and network of supporting friends has to be built first.

I think my dressing is also an alternative along with my shoe fetish as women's clothing and shoes are objects to be enjoyed sexually. Even for most traditional people, if one is just stuck in a rut, then nothing really gets accomplished.

[Cheryl T]

Thanks to all who post here, I really have learned a great deal from all of you. I probably will be back to visit from time to time. I also realize that many find a way to make it all work for them, but I don't think I will ever be able to get there.

How many times I said that over the years...and here I am, finally out, going out and loving life again.
15 years?? Try 55 years...45 before I accepted myself and realized this is who I am and not what I do....

Good luck...

[jsunic_1978]

im STARTING TO SHOP AT THE FEMALE STORES AS A GUY ALSO, stores i usually go en fem. I think ill have a couple of offers really soon as just new friends at least.

[bimini1]

I dunno. When one is really really fed up with something walking away from it may not be as hard as you think. Your mind changes at that point. You can tell yourself you want to quit something but in a state of self delusion. But if it's real you won't do that. You'll just walk away and not look back.

I was a druggie for 25 years. I had tried to give it up plenty of times to no avail. Then it happened almost unconsciously. I certainly wasn't trying to quit when I did. Just woke up one morning and was out walking the dog when my mind changed. Then another day went by. That was 5 years ago.

Now I'm not equating CD with addiction by no means. Because I have tried to give it up as well. I thought it went with the dope because usually they were done in tandem. But the dope stopped and the cross gender behavior remained.

[jsunic_1978]

I finally put on my big boy pants, hoped in my car and socialized in a different area, the same area where I usually cross dress. i was jeff I HAD A BLAST. most of what we precieve is just that, state of mind. If the area may be on the clicky end. sounds like people dont know about you're dressing, which can be causing your discomfort. dont make the mistake by letting too many people know that already know you well. develop some social life in a different area, just put it out there, you just may be surprised. Go to a more deverse area where even the neighborhood pubs do not mind and also find it to be a plus with different walks of like and just appreciate GOOD PEOPLE.

[girlygirly]

It's odd, I got a different impression from the OP's words. There was an absence of detail, but I took it that the OP isolated in order to dress, which in turn caused a lonely existence. I've read countless threads here from CDers whose worlds eventually shrink. The circle of friends diminish, they cease to find pleasure in other, non-CDing activities, their social lives become non-existant, all because they do not know how to achieve balance and put it all into perspective. This has got to be old after awhile. And I'm not talking about transsexuals here, strictly CDers.
Very well said, although I have been able to keep the circle of friends from shrinking a great deal, as well as meeting some new friends over the years. But the amount of time spent with friends does shrink a little, and there are many things I would enjoy doing with a friend , but also like to do in girl mode. As I said in my original post I never have tried to pass, although I have made the effort and realized I can't. Even so, when I'm in girl mode the envelope is pushed much further than I'm comfortable sharing with friends.

It has been a challenging couple of weeks. I've been going through clothes and determining what can remain in my wardrobe, and the thought of shopping in the mens section has not entered the equation yet. I guess I could probably find a place where I can satisfy my yearnings for both genders, and that is probably where this is headed. Less to explain, and also the ability to retain something which actually is much more accepted than it used to be. At the same time I'm content keeping it at a level where half of me isn't constantly hiding in the shadows.

Thanks to all who have expressed words of support and understanding. I realize many here understand where I am coming from, and it makes life a little easier to know this isn't all in my head.

[jsunic_1978]

Don't stop all together. I don"t pass all that well, but it diesnt matter. most of the time, im in guy mode and I wear womens jeans and uggs, NO BIG DEAL. Im happier :) women are attracted to confidnence and self happiness. Its just friendly smiles back and forth and hellos, but its a start. just focus only on making friends. Im in the same boat. I finally realized, its all about self happiness and that attracts.

[jsunic_1978]

everyone has at least ONE reeal friend. thats all it matters. they may not approve, but they are still a real friend that still sais, hey, lets go out to eat, etc etc. thats A TRUE FRIEND. we just need to embrace that and look for people we have never meat and put it out there. SURPRISE... mosty new people we meet are like minded. As we are just our selves now and express our selves, we are our true selves now and will make MORE GOOD FRIENDS